Chapter 34

April 14, 1996

Godric was coming to pick up the baby for Eric's first visitation, and Sookie was packing him a bag and trying to hold herself together. They would only be gone for a couple of hours, but she hated having him away from her at all. Especially now that she had lost so much.

She knew that the baby would be safe with Godric, but there was still something incredibly disconcerting about sending your baby off with a couple of vampires. And it kind of made her feel like a bad person to think so. She had never had any qualms about having Godric near the baby before, at least before her life had completely fallen apart. And Lord knows he could have overpowered her without even trying if he'd wanted to hurt the baby, regardless. Then again, she didn't even like leaving him alone with Gran. She would have felt a lot better if she could go and supervise herself, but seeing Eric again would just hurt too much. And she didn't trust herself around him. She didn't know if she was lonely enough and broken enough and weak enough and if she still loved him enough to do something stupid. Like take him back.

She hated that she made sure to dress the baby in his cutest outfit. And that she hoped her smell on his blanket and the bottle of breast milk drove Eric crazy. So maybe she had been wrong when she told him that she didn't want to hurt him. At least a little bit.

It would have been so much easier if Eric had just decided to let Leif go and not be involved, but she was glad he hadn't. And she really hoped that that was all for Leif's sake, but she was pretty sure part of her wanted to keep him close for her own sake, too.

She still felt guilty about keeping so much from him. About the baby, especially. But not enough to offset the betrayal that she felt. Not even close. And she didn't think that Eric felt as violated as she did. As dirty.

She wasn't thrilled about seeing Godric, either, but Pam was going to keep her company while he and the baby were gone, so she would deal with it. It was worth seeing him to get an evening with Pam. She'd only seen her a couple of times in the past week. As long as she didn't have to see Eric, she was good.

Bill Compton was letting Godric and Eric have the visitation at his house across the cemetery. It was nearby in case of an emergency, and Eric wouldn't have to risk being seen out and about in Bon Temps, or waste time with the baby travelling back and forth to Shreveport.

…

"I want to go to Sookie's when we pick up the baby."

Godric sighed. "Eric, I already told you no. I will drop you off at Bill Compton's and then bring Leif to you."

"I'll stay in the car."

Pam walked into the den, where Godric and Eric were sitting, and slapped Eric on the back of the head.

"Do you want her to appreciate your willingness to do as she asked, or do you want to be the creepy controlling ex who stalks her and makes her terrified to leave the house at night?"

Eric glared at her. "Fine. I'll wait at Compton's." Eric hated the idea of going there at all. He still kind of wanted to kill Compton for going to Sookie's in the first place. He was the one that had totally fucked up Eric's life. And Godric. Why hadn't he come a few days earlier? Or at least called and told Eric that he was coming to get him? Why hadn't Sookie told him about the baby?

Eric had spent the rest of the night he had arrived from Texas chained in silver. The next night, he had basically torn his room apart when Godric wouldn't let him go to her and beg forgiveness. The night after that, he had managed to give Clancy, his relief babysitter, the slip, and was halfway to Bon Temps - and Dawn for more rough sex - when he turned around and went back to the house on his own. Since then, he had switched to bagged blood and was basically spending all of his time locked in his room. Pam was driving him crazy because she was pissed off that she was stuck at home babysitting him, and she was taking out her anger on him. And he was jealous as fuck that she was seeing Sookie sometimes. She always made sure that he smelled Sookie all over her when she got back, too. And, of course, no matter how mad it made him, he was thankful to have that much of her, and made excuses to get close to Pam so that he could smell her.

He didn't really even particularly want to meet the baby; the news about it had come out of nowhere, and he basically felt no connection to it at all. But he hoped that taking an interest would make a good impression on Sookie. He didn't know if it was possible to win her back, but he was sure as hell going to try. The bond was still there, even when it was closed, and he felt lost without her. Incomplete.

Despite what she'd asked, he had opened her end of the bond. More than once. He hated himself for it every time, but he just couldn't seem to help himself. He tried to imagine what she was doing, based on how she was feeling. She was almost always sad. She loved the baby very much. Or, at least that's who he assumed it was. She was angry a lot. She was very lonely, and often felt completely defeated. She was almost happy when Pam was visiting, which made him even more jealous. Every time he opened the bond, he promised himself that he would never do it again. But he was weak, and he always did.

One time, late at night, she was obviously dreaming, and the way her emotions flitted from one feeling to another was oddly compelling. When she started getting aroused, he was so fucking tempted to keep the bond open and jerk off. It would almost have been like being with her again. But he closed the bond and took a cold shower instead. Of course, he still jerked off after, but he would have anyway.

He had a much better handle on his sexual urges now, those incidents he didn't want to think about notwithstanding, and a few weeks of abstinence wouldn't kill him. Or even a few months, if he had to. He needed to prove to Sookie that he could be worthy of her. Of course, if he never got to see her, she wouldn't even know about it.

They all drove to Bon Temps, and Godric took Eric in to meet Bill Compton. Pam ran through the cemetery to Sookie's house rather than wait. Eric desperately wanted to follow her.

Godric left to get the baby, and Eric sat on the couch across the room from Bill. He was sure he was glaring, but he didn't much care.

…

Gran was out with some of her church friends, and Sookie was so glad to see Pam when she walked through the door. Pam kissed Sookie's cheek and sat next to her on the couch. She looked at the baby. "He's grown a bit. And he doesn't look quite so scrawny."

Sookie smiled. "Thank you, Pam. That's high praise coming from you."

"Godric will be here shortly. He's just getting Eric settled in."

Sookie had promised herself that she wouldn't ask about Eric. She bit her lip and looked down at Leif.

"The baby will be fine, Sookie."

"I know."

"Godric is making me babysit Eric all the time, and it's driving me crazy. He refuses to leave the house, and I'm bored stiff. And I have grown accustomed to having you around."

Sookie smiled again. "You miss me." She really wanted to know more about Eric not leaving the house, but she wasn't going to take the bait.

"I suppose. Now, shouldn't you feed the baby before Godric arrives?"

Sookie snorted. "You have a one track mind, Pam. He just ate."

"Well, I'm sorry I missed it."

"I'll bet."

Godric knocked on the door and then walked in. Sookie shot him a dirty look when he entered the room. "If anything happens to him, I'm holding you responsible. And just remember that I've killed a 2000 year old vampire before. And I know where you rest."

"He will be fine, Sookie. Eric has made great strides in control."

"Oh, yeah. I could really tell. He was totally in control when he was choking Dawn as a message to me a couple of weeks ago."

She had gone from zero to one hundred as soon as Godric had walked into the room. She had known that she was sad and grieving again, but she never would have guessed how fucking angry she really was. And she was pissed.

"Sookie, you have no idea how sorry he is."

"And you have no idea how sorry I am that I ever listened to you. I have lost everything except Leif. And now I've lost my fucking job, too, because there's no way I can keep working for you. Especially knowing I'll run into him."

"You are on maternity leave for the time being."

"I'm not a fucking charity case, Godric."

"And I am not a charity. Your contract states that you are entitled to one year of leave after the birth of a child, with your full pay."

She narrowed her eyes at him. "That was not in the contract that I signed."

He shrugged. "I say that it was. And I'm sure that your copy includes it as well. You can always call Desmond to check. Now, can I please take Leif to meet his father?"

She had wanted so much to see Eric hold Leif for the first time. She had imagined it a million times when she was pregnant and for the first few days after. The completion of their family. It was one more thing that she'd lost.

She kissed the baby, and then handed him over to Godric. "I hate you."

He sighed. "Sookie, I was only trying to keep you and the baby safe."

"Was it worth it? Ruining my life, just in case? Tearing my family apart? Knowing it all could have been for nothing?"

"Yes. I think that it was."

She put Leif's bottle in the diaper bag and handed it to Godric. "I wish that I could tell you to get the hell out of my house. You have two hours. Get him back on time."

…

Bill was definitely the vampire who had been at Sookie's. He recognized his scent. Eric's fangs ran down and he found that he still wanted to kill Bill Compton very much. But he had to play nice for now.

"So, you and Miss Stackhouse are no longer seeing each other."

Bill Compton was definitely going to be finally dead someday, if he had anything to do about it.

"For now. But we're still bonded. She's still mine."

The corner of Bill's lip twitched. "Well, I guess we'll see."

Eric narrowed his eyes at Bill. "You stay away from her. She's mine. And she's only seventeen years old."

"Yes. And somehow you managed to impregnate her, nearly drain her, from what I understand, and then you left her to raise the baby alone. Maybe someone a little older would do a better job of taking care of her in the manner that she deserves."

A few months ago, Eric would have attacked for sure, and Bill would have probably killed him. He could control himself better now. He could bide his time. But he didn't dare open his mouth again, and he had to hold onto his control with white knuckles.

Godric walked through the door holding Leif, and Eric basically forgot all about Bill. Godric walked to the couch and laid the baby in Eric's arms.

At first, all he could smell was Sookie. The baby was covered in her scent. He'd smelled it as soon as Godric had walked in, and Eric lifted the baby up and sniffed his head.

Sookie's scent was there, so strong, on top. It clung to his clothes, his hair, his skin, and his blanket. And Eric savored it. But there were other scents, too - Godric, the baby's soap, Sookie's Gran, the laundry detergent Sookie used, milk (which smelled sweet and delicious and it was obvious that it had come from Sookie), and the baby's own smell, which was hints of Sookie and what was, apparently, what he had smelled like as a human. He still carried a touch of his old scent, and when he closed his eyes and really concentrated, he was able to catch how the baby's scent matched his own.

The baby was his. His and Sookie's. Leif carried his blood. He was solid. Strong. His eyes were open, and he was looking at Eric, and Eric could see the intelligence in his eyes. He had the beginnings of a personality. He was beautiful. He looked just like Sookie. Eric's eyes filled with blood, and he pricked his finger on his fang and put it in the baby's mouth. Leif started to suckle. "You're mine."

Godric said, "Bill? Would you mind giving us the room?"

"Of course not. I'll just go out for a stroll. It's a beautiful evening."

Eric stared at his son for the whole two hours. He breathed in the scent of him. He fed the baby his bottle when he cried, and managed to taste a drop. It made him tear up again. It also made him hard, and he remembered the taste on his tongue and imagined her letting him suckle when he jerked off later that night. He changed the baby's diaper, and even after that, he found that he wanted to see the baby again. He could feel his blood inside him, and felt better knowing that he would be able to find Leif if anything happened to him. He kissed the baby's head and handed him back to Godric.

"Do you think she'll ever let me see her again?"

"I hope so. But she is very hurt. And very angry at both of us."

"She'll at least speak to you."

"Yes. But she blames herself when it comes to you. I think she'll have a much harder time forgiving me. She has always been angry with me. And now she feels that she has proof that I was wrong all along, and forced her to do the wrong thing against her better judgement."

"I agree with her."

Bill came back in, and Godric left to take the baby back to Sookie's.

"Your ex-girlfriend is very well. She really does smell delicious, doesn't she? Can you still remember how she tastes, or has it been too long?"

Eric's fangs snapped down, and he was so close to losing control. He stood up and walked outside and up the driveway to wait for Godric on Hummingbird Road. He did not walk down the driveway to Sookie's house. But he tried so hard to catch a hint of her scent on the wind.

…

As soon as Godric left with Leif, Sookie broke down again. Pam held her while she cried. Eventually, Sookie calmed down enough to talk.

"I am so sick of feeling like this. I don't know what to do. How can I ever be happy when my life is constantly falling apart?"

"It will take time, Sookie. Soon things will calm down, and you will be able to heal."

"I'll still have to deal with them for the next eighteen years. And I'm too weak to even see Eric."

"I think that you have been very strong. "

"Hmpf. I don't feel strong. I feel like a fragile broken little girl."

There was another knock on the door, and Sookie sensed the void of a vampire brain on the other side. She really didn't have the patience to deal with whatever this was now. She opened the door to Bill Compton.

"Good evening. I was out for a stroll and decided to drop by."

"Oh. It's nice to see you, Bill." It wasn't, particularly, but she was brought up to be polite.

"Thank you. And it's always a pleasure to see you. I decided to give Eric and your child some privacy. He gave the baby a drop of his blood, and I didn't want to encroach on anything else that was so personal in nature." He looked past Sookie. Pam had just walked into view. "Pam. I didn't realize you were here tonight."

Sookie clenched her jaw. She could see through Bill a mile away. And she had expected nothing less from Eric, although she sure as hell would have appreciated being asked first. "Well, I hope you have a lovely stroll, Bill." She slammed the door in his face and turned to Pam.

"I don't mean to sound like a bigot, but as far as I can tell, every other vampire but you is a complete asshole."

"Sookie! How could you? I am far more of an asshole than Godric, and you know it."

Sookie almost grinned at Pam. Pam considered it a victory. She said, "Let's give each other pedicures. I'll go get the polish."

Pam kept Sookie busy and distracted for the whole two hours, and Sookie was even surprised at the time when Godric arrived back with the baby. She took him right away, and held him tight. He smelled like Eric, and it hurt her heart. "It went well?"

"Yes. Very well. Eric appreciates your willingness to let him have a relationship with his son."

"I would have appreciated being asked about the blood."

Godric sighed. Fucking Bill Compton. "I am sorry. It happened so quickly…"

"I expected it, Godric. You should have, too."

"You're right. I should have."

Sookie turned to Pam. Godric had obviously been dismissed. "Thank you. For everything."

"It was my pleasure. Let's do it again next week." Pam kissed Sookie and then the baby on their heads and sailed out. Godric hung back.

"Sookie, I want you to know that I am so sorry about what happened. My intention was only to keep you safe."

"You think I don't know that? I don't care, Godric. Every time I close my eyes, I see him with her. The man I love, hurting her to hurt me. He was supposed to come home so we could be a family. Instead, I have to do it all alone. Because of you keeping us apart. Because I lied to him, because you told me that I had to, and that it was the right thing to do. I shouldn't have listened. That was on me. But you can be damn sure I'm never listening to you again. Get out of my house. Your invitation has been rescinded."

She followed him to the door as he was pushed out. "Pam will bring the baby out to you next week."

She slammed the door in a vampire's face for the second time that night. And locked it for good measure.