I don't usually comment on guest reviews in the main story, but I wanted to address this one. By the way, I'm 0% offended by this, I think it's a valid point: "I can't believe how everyone is jumping on the "Christian is being so supportive" bandwagon. Did you all forget that he ABANDONED HIS FAMILY for a year? Or is everything OK now because he is being supportive so Ana needs to get over it? God people, grow a spine"

Ana hasn't gotten over it, and as we'll see more clearly in the coming chapter, she's not even thinking about getting back together yet. She's still just trying to muddle through her feelings, while salvaging some relationship with Christian because of their kids/shared situation with the media/etc. Also, if Christian had abandoned the family to be unfaithful or purposefully and overtly abusive, I would say their relationship has no hope and it should end. However, we know that it's because of his unresolved trauma, and we know that he's working on it. I think that's a really important distinction, and I don't think people are irredeemable, once they're held accountable for and have taken the steps to change their behavior.

Another author's note at the end! Happy reading.

Chapter 33

Ana

"Well, you seem like you've had a busy week. I heard you on the radio this morning."

I squirm a little as I settle into Catherine's comfy couch. I don't think I'll ever get used to that. "Yeah… it's been a lot."

"How so?"

"Well... did you happen to hear anything about me on the news this weekend?"

She smiles sheepishly. "This time, yes. It was a little unavoidable. Tell me what that was like."

"I heard about... the video... in the middle of the night when I was in New York. Christian called and I just told him I wanted a divorce immediately and there was no need for counseling. Now, I feel awful about how I reacted. I wouldn't even listen to him, I just couldn't process what I saw. It didn't even enter my mind that something like that could be faked, even though he came right out the gate saying that it wasn't real. I just thought he was lying."

"Well, you're in a very unique situation. I'd venture to say that most people wouldn't believe something like that was faked, especially in an emotional moment. What changed your mind?"

"Ezra's sister is an ethical hacker and she told him she thought it was fake. Then all the retractions started coming out. Then Christian's head of IT met me at the airport to try and explain. At that point, there were too many holes in the story, and I realized I majorly jumped the gun."

"I'm sensing a lot of guilt around that."

"Well, yeah. I feel like I left him high and dry. It seemed like he'd been trying so hard with us, which is why the video was extra shocking, and no one believed him initially. I feel like… I'm supposed to be different. I'm supposed to be on his side."

"But you've admitted to finding it difficult to trust him after his past behavior. Is this not a valid feeling? How would you feel if a friend of yours had this experience?"

I squirm again. "I think it's understandable in that case. And yes, I still don't trust that he's not going to hurt me again. But… Christian is a special case. He always has been. He's not… there are things about him that have shaped him that I should have considered before reacting so quickly."

"I'm not sure I'm following."

I take a deep breath. I've been skirting around these issues for session after session, but I think it's time I gave her a clearer picture. "The short version is, Christian was adopted by the Greys when he was four. Before that, he lived with his birth mother, who was a sex worker and suffered from addiction. She was neglectful, and her… employer was physically abusive. He was young, but he remembers it. Because of his early life, he grew up with a fear of being touched… haphephobia, I think the technical term is, and he struggled with feeling undeserving of the life he was given when he was adopted."

She takes notes, her pen flying across the paper and her face grave. "I see. That is very difficult to think about, an innocent child grappling with those feelings."

I nod. And the real bomb hasn't even been dropped yet. "There's one more big thing… have you heard of Elena Lincoln?"

She cocks her head to the side. "The name sounds familiar, but I can't place it."

"She was arrested a few years ago for child pornography and sexual abuse of minors. Christian was one of her victims, but that never became public, thanks to the Greys' connections. She was a family friend and… seduced him, convinced him there was a way for a hormonal teenager with a fear of being touched to get a physical release with her, when he was fifteen. She introduced him to what she called BDSM."

Her eyebrows raise a fraction, and she makes another note. "I notice your phrasing, 'what she called BDSM.' If I'm not mistaken, the motto of the BDSM community is safe, sane, and consensual. It sounds like what happened to Christian as a young boy was none of those things, most of all not consensual, as he was under the age of consent."

"Right."

"And did he continue in his version of BDSM after the abuse ended?"

"Yes. She trained him to be a Dominant."

She pauses. "You've never mentioned that you're a submissive."

"I'm not. Originally, when we met, that's what he wanted me as, but… it wasn't me. I really only did it because I wanted to be with him. Then when he went too far, I realized we were incompatible and I left him."

"What do you mean, he went too far?" she says, her tone cautious.

"I asked him to show me how bad the punishments can get, and he hit me with a belt. I didn't safeword because I was in the moment and I forgot about it, but also… I was trying to be what he wanted. I thought he wanted that. But when it was done, I felt so… angry. Hurt, betrayed. I didn't even want to be near him. Later, when he came to check on me, I'd calmed down, and I told him I had fallen in love with him. As you know, he didn't handle hearing that very well, and we went our separate ways."

"Until he reached out to you and asked you to try a different relationship."

"Yes."

She taps her pen against her chin a few times, lost in thought. "It sounds to me like he was using BDSM as a way to have physical relationships without getting too close to anyone. However, as you've mentioned, that is not what BDSM is. The closeness, trust, even love between a Dominant and a submissive is a hallmark of the lifestyle. Christian made it clear from the beginning that he was not interested in any of those things?"

"Yes."

"Because that's what his abuser made him believe the lifestyle is," she surmises.

"Yes, he's told me as much before. When we got married, we still had some elements of… kinky fuckery, for lack of a better term." My cheeks burn, but I brazen through. "He had always defended Elena's presence in his life, up until I got pregnant. Then I guess the reality check of having his own child on the way made him realize that what she did was wrong. After that, we did some of our own research into BDSM, and we learned about the intimacy and love it can contain. I would say that our relationship, while not what we called a Dom/sub situation, tended more in that direction after that."

"So, there was no more physical abuse?"

I flinch at her bluntness, but in the instance of the belt incident, I know she's right. "No. He would get uncomfortable if he even left marks on me. I really didn't mind, but he didn't like it. He was always very careful with me after that… physically."

She pauses and makes a note. "I feel as though you just used 'physically' as a qualifier. Was he… reckless with you in other ways?"

I feel as though I'm in a confessional. Most of these things, I've never discussed with another human being, some of them not even with Christian. Some of them I've shoved down so deep, I didn't even know there was anything to talk about anymore, but now that I've started, it's hard to stop. "There have been a few instances where he's tried to… punish me. Like a Dom would to a sub, except we supposedly didn't have any rules. He just… there were certain things he didn't like it when I did, so he'd… take it out on me in other ways. Not through force, but things like orgasm denial, or the silent treatment."

"So, I'm hearing that he had a set of 'rules' for you in his head, and if you crossed those lines he'd drawn, he punished you without your consent, as you didn't have that kind of agreed upon relationship."

I nod slowly, her words sinking in. "Yes. And I wasn't okay with it, and I let him know that."

"You've described your marriage prior to the events that led you to separate as happy, correct?"

"Overall, yes. These things I'm talking about now, the punishments, those were in the early days. When I brought them up to him, he didn't even seem to realize that's what he was doing. Like… he was just on autopilot, trying to control everything around him so he felt safe. He once described to me that his need for control met a need that wasn't satisfied in his formative years. When he put it like that, I understood it, but… I didn't want to be controlled. That's part of the reason I left him, originally. I thought he needed someone to dominate completely and that wasn't me."

"So, what was different? Do you feel that his need for control lessened later on in your relationship, in what you would describe as the happy times?"

"I think so. It seemed that as time passed and we were together for longer, he started to feel safer. He knew I loved him, or so he told me, and I think there was a sense of security. We'd still clash from time to time, but we were able to talk it out much better. Until… he completely withdrew. And then there was no talking."

She nods slowly. "So, to go back to your guilt in how you handled the situation this weekend… this is rooted in the fact that you know he is a victim of abuse, he carries long-term trauma, and I'm surmising, has abandonment issues. You feel you should give him the benefit of the doubt because of his past."

"Yes, to an extent. And now, I've agreed to try counseling. I feel like… with everything we've gone through, the least I can do is try counseling before we call it quits, even if I can't stay married to him in the end. Which reminds me, I'd like some recommendations from you, if that's possible."

She nods in acknowledgement. "At this moment, where is your head going into it? Do you expect to remain married?"

I pause. "I can't wrap my head around… feeling safe, emotionally, feeling like I could trust him with my heart again after all of this. But at the same time, I feel like I owe it to him and myself to at least try. I love him, there's no denying that. I lose my fucking mind when I'm around him, even now. And I recognize the possibility that maybe we're not irredeemable. It's just… hard to imagine now."

She sets the notebook down on her lap. "Can I share a thought?" I nod. "I'm hearing that early in your relationship, you felt like you were responsible for his happiness. I want to make sure to affirm to you that if this is the case, you're not responsible for his feelings, he is. At the same time, he's not responsible for your feelings. Correct me if this sounds wrong, but I get the feeling that some of the breakdown here could have come from this notion. The way you describe it, it sounds like you walked on eggshells around him trying to be quote, unquote enough for him. Does that sound accurate?"

Goddamn. "Yes," I quietly admit.

"Do you feel now that you can express your feelings to him, or is there any kind of filter?"

"There's a filter. But isn't that normal?"

"I don't know about normal, but I'm not sure it's healthy for a long-term relationship. What kinds of things do you keep to yourself?"

"My negative feelings, mostly."

"Can you give me an example?"

"I mean... a big one would be after our daughter was born. I really struggled, much more than I did after our son. But I never mentioned it to him because… well, a lot of reasons."

"It might be helpful to give those reasons a name."

"I felt so… empty and hopeless. I cried almost every day. I could barely eat. And at the same time, I felt like shit because I should have been happy. I had a new baby. I loved her so much. I had no reason to be unhappy, and I felt like I was failing my baby. So... I didn't want to tell him because I didn't want him to think less of me. But I also didn't want him to feel… helpless, like I did. He had a habit of internalizing any negative emotions I had and blaming himself for them."

She nods. "Is there any part of you that feels like that was self-protective, too?"

"What do you mean?"

"Maybe unconsciously, you didn't want to feel responsible for comforting him on top of dealing with your own feelings."

To my surprise, that lands and seems to fit. "Maybe. Consciously, though, I really just wanted to spare him. He already had concerns about being a father. He didn't need all my shit, too."

"So, you had no one to talk to about it?"

And I'm back to squirming. "I told my sister-in-law about it when she found out she was pregnant with her second child and asked me about having two. She was surprised I didn't mention it to Christian."

"Have you heard of postpartum depression?"

"Yes…"

"I can't give you a firm diagnosis since it's in hindsight, but you sound like a classic case. You didn't need a reason, Ana. It was likely a chemical imbalance. Nothing you could control. Did you mention it to your OB?"

"No. Physically, I was fine. It didn't seem relevant."

She nods, seeming troubled. "We're about out of time, but I want to revisit this… isolation behavior of yours. I noticed it when you described the last year without your husband, but I'm sensing it again in your days as a new mother. Given your remarks early in the session, I also feel compelled to let you know that if you feel unsafe around your husband at any time, you should call a crisis center or get to a safe house."

I shake my head. "No... he's not like that. I understand why you'd say that, but... if you knew him, you'd know how ridiculous that idea was. He's nuts about my physical safety. It was a one-off, brought on by me basically demanding it and then not safewording like I should have. I promise, there's nothing more to it."

She smiles and nods. "I just want you to know all your options. I trust your judgement. Same time later in the week?" I take a deep breath and nod. "Good. Now let me get you those names."

I leave the building with a piece of paper in my hand and a spinning head, feeling some cocktail of emotions that I couldn't begin to name. As uncomfortable as it is, though, I know it's long past time I dug up these feelings. I've spent so long being numb, now I'm feeling everything at once. Maybe one day, I can meet myself somewhere in the middle.

The whole week following, my restless mind keeps returning to Kate. Her late-night texts with no follow-up once the truth came out, her outburst at gala, her and Elliot by the boathouse, her despondence at Mother's Day brunch. She hasn't called or texted me, and normally she would have apologized by now. Kate can be downright volatile, yes, but at the very least, she knows when she's wrong and she'll own up to it.

Something is not adding up.

I call her office in the middle of the day, knowing that when she's in a mood like this, she might not take my call on her phone. And I will be getting answers.

"Seattle Times, how can I help you?"

"Hi, could you transfer me to Kate Grey? This is Anastasia Grey."

"Oh, hi, Mrs. Grey. Kate actually called in sick today, can I take a message?"

Alarm bells start going off in my head. Kate never calls in sick, even if she really should. I don't think she's missed a day of work at the Times since she started, besides maternity leave. "No, thank you anyway. Have a nice day."

Teddy wanted to spend the day with his grandmother on her day off, so I scoop up Phoebe and get her into her car seat. "Come on, my love. Let's go see Aunt Kate."

I pull up in front of her house, noting that her car is visible in the garage. Securing Phoebe on my hip, I ring the doorbell once, twice, then a third time, about thirty seconds in between. Finally, Kate pulls open the door. Her eyes are red-rimmed and her nose is running. Ava is behind her, holding onto her leg. "Aunt Ana! Fifi!" she squeals.

"Ana?" Kate asks, squinting her eyes in the daylight. The house is shadowy, and from what I can see, most of the curtains are drawn.

"Kate? What is going on?" I can count on one hand the number of times I've seen her like this.

Her lip starts to tremble and she lets out a quiet whimper. Instinctively, I pull her into a hug. "Let me take care of Phoebe and Ava, and then we'll make some tea and talk. Okay?"

She nods silently, going off in the direction of the kitchen like she's on autopilot. I put on a smile. "Hi, Ava! How does a tea party outside sound?"

As I'm in the yard setting up their blanket and tea set, I see Kate out of the corner of my eye come outside with two mugs in one hand and Henry in the other. Soon, the girls are fully distracted pretending they're princesses taking etiquette lessons, sipping tea with their pinkies up, and I go and sit on the deck with Kate. Henry is in her lap, already nodding off. Looks like we'll have privacy.

She holds out a mug and I accept. "I called your office and they said you called in sick. I just… you haven't been yourself at all lately. I know something is going on. You don't have to tell me exactly what it is if you don't feel comfortable, but I need you to know that I'm here to listen if you need that."

She wipes the tears rolling down her cheeks with the sleeve of her sweatshirt. "Elliot wants to take a break," she says flatly.

"He… what?"

"He said that he feels like I've changed, that we're just not on the same page anymore, and he wants to take a break to evaluate some things."

I reach out and take her hand. "Oh, Kate…"

"You know, I always felt like I got the better brother. Sure, Christian is hot and rich, but Elliot is sweet and charming and… safe. No offense, but Christian seems like more trouble than he's worth. But here I am, wondering what the fuck went wrong in my marriage while your husband is booking meetings with me at my office just to show how serious he is about fixing things with you and tell me his side of the story, with no prompting. He just opens up, totally sincere and vulnerable, and I'm just… I'm so angry. It's so unfair."

My mind is reeling from this new information. "Wait, what? What are you talking about? He came to your office?"

"Yeah, a few weeks ago. Then, lo and behold, I thought all was right with the world when that video came out. Suddenly, it made sense. Trusting him at his word felt too dangerous. Until it was fake. And then I was left thinking what the fuck again." She squeezes my hand and looks over at me. "I'm sorry. I've been awful to you. I've been so wrapped up in my own self-pity and I took it out on you. Honestly, Christian is really doing the work from what I can tell, and I just couldn't deal with the fact that you two seemed on the up and up while my life is falling apart. It's disgusting, but it's true."

"Kate… we're not on the up and up, not really. I'm just trying to have some relationship with him for the kids, and… well, it's not easy ignoring him. I still love him so much, and yeah, I keep losing my head and kissing him like an idiot, but I don't know if I can ever be married to him again. I mean, he left me alone for a year. How am I supposed to trust him again after that?"

"You said you're going to counseling?" I nod. "Just… hear him out. I never thought I'd be saying this, but… it's so much more complicated than it seems. And there just might be a way out of this for both of you. I can't tell you what he said, that's up to him, but… just trust me." She wipes another tear away. "I've been such a rotten friend. Can you ever forgive me?"

I file away her cryptic statement for consideration later. "Oh, Kate, of course I can. We do crazy things when we're feeling crazy things, I know all about that. But what about you and Elliot? What did he say, and what did you say?"

She sniffles. "He told me about a week ago that he thinks we should take some time away. I just… walked out of the room. I completely shut down. I've barely seen him besides at the gala and at brunch on Sunday. He gave me a gift that day and told me he's sorry for springing that on me and he really wants to talk about this, and I still just haven't been able to. I can't hear him say he wants to split up. I love him so much, Ana."

"Hey." I grab her other hand and wait until she makes eye contact with me. "You'll always be in this limbo if you don't talk about it. Trust me, I made that mistake for about a month. It feels self-protective, but really, it's keeping you stagnant. I know Elliot, and I know he loves hard, just like you. Maybe all you two need is some help. What if you just talked to him, and if he still feels that way, asked him to try counseling?"

She squeezes her eyes shut and looks down. "I'm so scared."

"I know. God, I feel like I'm scared all the time now. But it's better than being stuck. At least if you're moving through the fear, you're going somewhere."

She takes a deep, shaky breath. "We do need to talk," she whispers.

I nod slowly. "When does he get home?"

"Probably between 5:00 and 6:00."

"I say you let me take Ava and Henry and you go take a long bath, put on a nice outfit, something that makes you feel powerful, and talk to him tonight. Whatever he says, I'll be there for you."

She stares off into the distance, just taking slow, deep breaths, until she finally nods. "Okay. I'll call you tomorrow." She looks down at me with glassy, tear-filled eyes again. "I don't know what would have happened today if you hadn't come over. Thank you so much. You're the best friend I could ever hope for, Ana. I'm so sorry I've been so shitty."

I smile. "As long as you're not shitty more often than you are, I'll still love you." We both laugh and, with renewed determination from our heart-to-heart, Kate hands Henry over to me and marches into the house.

He starts to blink his eyes open once he's passed over. I smile at him and kiss his little head. "Come on, Henry. Let's go get the girls. Mommy has work to do."

A/N: So, we got some insight into Ana's thoughts regarding Christian, and some feelings she's been keeping to herself. I really encourage you to think about not only what Ana says in therapy, but what she doesn't say. What she leaves out that you and I might think she should talk about. And we found out what's going on with Kate. Turns out she's just been taking her feelings out on everyone else. What are your thoughts on everything?

Not sure when the next one will be up. I'm getting my second COVID vaccine tomorrow so it depends whether or not the side effects wipe me out. Please get vaccinated if you are able!