"The Lord is my light and my salvation- whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life- of whom shall I be afraid?"

Psalm 27:1

Soda held the bottle over his breakfast plate and squeezed, maple syrup flowing out.

Pony sat beside his middle brother, watching the syrup form the curve of a smile on his pancake, followed by dots for eyes and a mouth. "We can't have a boring breakfast, even when it is a normal color, can we?"

Soda moved the bottle to the top of the pancake, creating swirls of syrup along the edges. "Of course we can't. I'm here."

"That pancake looks like Steve."

"Huh?"

"His hair has swirls like that."

Soda chuckled, as he put the bottle of syrup down and began to eat. "He'd be flattered you see it that way, Pone."

Darry entered the kitchen, feet moving quickly to put together a lunch and a thermos of iced water. "I need you to do some laundry today, Pony."

Pony cut up the pancake on the plate in front of him. "Okay, Dar. No problem."

Soda reached for another plate and put a pancake on it, holding it out to Darry. "Here, Dar. Have some breakfast. I can't have you climbin' up on roofs while you're hungry."

Darry took the plate from Soda, slowing down to eat with his brothers at the table. "You got that right, little buddy. I'm feeling rushed cause I didn't get up on time. I think the heat's makin' me extra tired."

Soda's eyes flashed with concern, as his fork swirled a piece of pancake around in the syrup. "I wish I could help."

Darry added syrup to his plate, then began to cut his pancake up. "You do help. You go to work. It's not like you can stop me from feeling tired when it's part of my job."

Pony watched the exchange between his brothers, Soda's expression making him join the conversation. "Yeah, Soda. It's just cause it gets so hot out here in the summer. Speaking of that, what are we going to do for the Fourth of July?"

Soda grinned at the thought of the summer holiday, as he took another bite of pancake. "I don't know, Pone. Go see fireworks on the strip, I guess. Just like every year. They're always real pretty."

Darry couldn't stop his own grin, as he saw the brightness in Soda's eyes. "The thought of fireworks sure makes you light up, little buddy."

Soda looked out the kitchen window, picturing images of fire and sparks. "Yeah, it does cause tomorrow night, we're going to light up the sky."

"Hey, Stevie, do you think God likes fireworks?"

Steve chuckled, as he let the hood slam shut on a Honda, the wonder in Soda's voice amusing him as much as the question. "I don't know, man. I can't see why not. It's just fire and colorful explosions."

Soda made his way over from the gas pumps to the open garage door. "Yeah. I guess I just thought of it cause they go up in the sky, so it's like everybody's lookin' right where God is."

"Well, we'll just have to watch them tomorrow night and ask him what he thinks about it, won't we?"

"Yeah. I guess we will."

"You going with your brothers to the strip then?"

"Probably. Pony was askin' about that this morning."

"The kid wants to spend time with you."

"He does." Soda smiled then, some confidence colliding with his soul. "Can you blame him, Stevie? I'm the best."

Steve laughed, as he cleaned up the garage. "No. I can't blame him. You really are the best, and you damn well better keep remembering how true that is."

"If it's not an engagement ring, then what is it?"

"Just like a promise ring. A gift of love without any strings attached."

"I don't know, Penny. I mean, it's sweet. Of course it is. But you said it's the same ring Soda proposed to you with right after you found out you were pregnant."

"That doesn't mean he's expecting me to marry him right now, Kathy. It just means we love each other."

"Do you think it'll stay that way though?"

"I do. Or I hope so anyway. I hope we have the kind of love that can last forever."

"Hi, Sodapop. I was going to come by your house if I didn't see you soon."

Soda kept his hands in the pockets of his jeans, as he stepped through the door Samuel had opened for him. "Um, yeah. I could see why you'd want to. I mean, it's kind of a big deal what's happening. And I didn't expect Penny to make her mind up so fast."

Samuel led Soda to the living room, both men sitting down on the couch together. "I didn't either, to be honest. She asked me some questions about Matthew, then said she'd decided for sure."

"I guess I wanted to tell you I'm glad, you know? Cause I don't think I could ever be okay with my kid being totally away from me. But I'm still sad. I tried not to be, but I am anyway."

"That's okay. I'm not asking you to act like you're anything you aren't. I know it's painful."

"I really do love Penny."

"I know that too. I can see it."

"So I want to support her, and I want her to be able to do everything she's supposed to."

"Of course."

"And a baby's just not part of the plan right now. She's not ready to be a mom, and I can't be a dad all by myself."

Samuel watched Soda's face, noticing that his eyes seemed to be staring off into a distance only he himself could see. "Are you still with me, Sodapop?"

"Steve said I'm grieving. Cause I'm losing what I wanted first."

"That makes sense."

"I still want to marry Penny someday. I probably wouldn't be a great husband now anyway."

"You're only eighteen, and you've been through a lot of trials."

"I wouldn't be a great dad either. But I'd want to be."

Samuel took both of Soda's hands into his own, as he leaned to catch his gaze. "Again, you're only eighteen. You're a great person, even if you aren't ready to be a parent. It doesn't mean anything about your character."

"I asked Jesus to forgive me. I prayed like you said for him to come into my heart."

"That's good. It means you're a child of God. You're a believer who has eternal life in Heaven with him."

Soda's eyes blinked, as he focused on Samuel's face. "So it's like I'm his kid."

"Yes. He loves you and, and he did even before you were born."

"I love my kid, and it's not born yet."

"I know you do. That's why you've been feeling so much lately and why you want to make the right choices."

"You and Vivian will love the baby just like it's your own, won't you?"

Samuel squeezed both of Soda's hands that he continued to hold. "Yes, Sodapop. I promise we'll love this child just as much as if we were the ones to bring him or her into the world."

"It's not that I think you won't. I just needed to ask. I needed to hear it."

"I know. And you can always ask me anything you want. That's true now, and it'll still be true after the baby's born. I want you to be open with me whenever there's something on your mind."

"So, um, what happens next then? I mean, I know the baby won't be here for six more months."

"Right. So I want us all to sit down together again soon and do some planning. Vivian and I will help with Penny's medical bills, and I've looked up the names and numbers of lawyers who know much more about all of this than any of us do."

"Oh. I hadn't even thought of that. I bet Penny has though cause it makes sense."

Samuel released Soda's hands, as he sat back against the couch. "We want to make sure the adoption is completely legal when that time does come."

"Yeah."

"Are you okay now? You looked like you were hardly here with me a few minutes ago."

"I think so. That happens sometimes when I feel real overwhelmed. I scared Steve once cause I got so still. He was sitting there telling me to breathe, and I felt like I was falling into my thoughts. I had a hard time snappin' out of it."

"It seemed like you were just saying whatever came into your head for a while there, so I can see how that would be the case."

"Yeah. There's a lot going on in my mind. And even besides that, I still have real scary thoughts sometimes. Like the ones I told you about before."

"You mean about hurting yourself or dying?"

"Yeah. I mean those. Do you think God understands them? I mean, I know you've had feelings like that too, so you get it. But what about him?"

"Of course he understands them. I think he understands any thoughts or feelings we're capable of having to the greatest depths. There's nothing in the world he can't comprehend."

"Well, I know that cause he's God. So he knows the most about everything. But what I meant is does he get upset about us having those kinds of feelings? I guess I got to thinking about it cause Steve told me about Elijah in the Bible and how he prayed to die."

"Did you think God seemed upset with him?"

"No. Not at all. Cause he helped him. It just would sort of make sense, you know? God gives us life, so wouldn't he not like us wanting to die?"

"He doesn't like it because he doesn't want us to hurt. Just like I told you last weekend. But that doesn't mean he's placing blame and not having compassion for us within that darkness. God knows judgment isn't the answer there, and he's not angry at us for struggling. Not any more than the people who love us are."

"My little brother was angry at me. We're good now, but he was."

"Why was he angry?"

"Cause he was scared and takin' it really hard that I could have the feelings I did."

"Because he loves you."

"Yeah. Sometimes, I felt like he didn't love me cause of this. But if he didn't, there'd be nothing to get upset about."

"Of course. He's your little brother, and he loves you. But he's human, so he's influenced by emotions, and his perspective might shift based on his own circumstances. He still loves you even then. That doesn't change, but the way he shows it might. Human love is flawed, and we make mistakes. But God doesn't. Nothing about him is flawed, and his love is always perfect."

"What do you mean you're giving it back? What did I do wrong?"

Penny pressed the velvet box into Soda's palm, the ring he'd given her tucked inside it. "You didn't do anything wrong. I've just been thinking, and I believe we should wait on making any kind of commitment."

Soda opened up the box and looked at the red jeweled ring he'd intended as a gift. "But I just want you to have it, Penny. I wasn't asking you to make a commitment."

"You said you gave it to me because you want to propose someday. That's you making a commitment, even though you didn't ask me to. I love you, but I don't think it's the time for promises."

"Hey, Kid. Did Soda come home yet?"

Pony looked up from the novel he was reading to see Steve's head poking out the back door. "His car's here, ain't it?"

Steve held the door open, as he saw Pony's eyes move back down to the book. "Yeah. But sometimes, he walks wherever he's going. So I was checkin' first."

Pony turned a page, then noticed Steve was still standing there. "He's in his room. I think something's going on with Penny, but he won't tell me about it."

"You mean besides her being pregnant?"

"Yeah. Or maybe it's something to do with that. I don't know."

"I might have a guess."

"I figured."

Steve started to walk away, then paused for a moment. "Hey, Pony?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't take it personally or anything, all right? It's been really hard for Soda to talk about Penny and the baby lately. He's not trying to keep stuff from you."

"Yeah. I know that. I'm not taking it personally."

"Good. I'm going to go talk to Soda now, Kid. I'll see you later."

"Does he still want her to keep the baby? Is that it?"

"That's some of it, but I guess you could say it's more complicated than that."

"He wanted to raise Sandy's baby that wasn't even his."

"Exactly. So you can imagine how he feels about this one."

"Yeah. No wonder it's hard to talk about. But I'm trying to have what you told me."

"What I told you?"

"Empathy. You said I needed to learn to have it."

"Yeah. I remember."

"So I am. I'm putting myself in Soda's shoes and respecting what he gives me. Like Darry said, it's his choice. So I'm stepping back and letting him make it."

"Good for you, Pony. I'm proud of you for being so mature. I don't know if that sounds weird coming from me or not, but it's not like I care about that anymore. I just care about being real and making sure Soda's okay."

"It doesn't sound weird, Steve."

"Well, I'm really going to go talk to Soda now. Stay tuff, Kid, and whatever else you do, hang onto that empathy."

"Hey, Stevie. You don't gotta come in here lookin' like that. I'm okay."

Steve closed Soda's bedroom door behind him, as he saw his best friend with the open shoebox next to him, a photo album in his lap. "Just need some reminders?"

Soda touched the picture of Penny in her graduation gown, his finger tracing her face. "Something like that. Penny gave the ring back to me."

Steve sat down with Soda, a hand naturally going to rest on his shoulder. "She did? Why?"

"Cause she feels like me giving it to her meant I was still making a commitment, and she thinks we shouldn't do that right now."

"She didn't break up with you, did she?"

"No. I guess she just doesn't want to be so serious or talk about the idea of marriage at all."

"How do you feel about that?"

"I don't blame her. She's got six more months of pregnancy to go through and college. So it's pretty far in the future. I put the ring back in my mom's jewelry box, so I don't have to look at it anymore."

"That might be for the best, buddy. You don't want to be on one page, while Penny's on another."

"Yeah. And I think she's kind of right too, you know? I wanted her to have the ring as a gift, but it's still like this symbol to me. It means I love her, and it also means I want to marry her one day. That's what I think of when I see it."

"It's just cause it's a ring, man, and they're usually for getting engaged."

Soda closed the photo album and put it back in the shoebox, the index cards and Steve's letter beside it, as he set the lid on top. "Yeah. I know. So that's probably what it makes Penny think of too."

"You sure you're okay?"

"Yeah, Stevie. I'm sure. I just felt disappointed when she gave it back. I asked her what I did wrong."

"You didn't do anything wrong. And like I said before, she's not rejecting you. Can I ask you a question though, man? If you don't want to answer, just tell me, and I'll drop it."

"Okay. What is it?"

"Could the ring being your mom's have anything to do with this?"

"Anything to do with what?"

"I just mean the way you feel about it and wanting Penny to have it."

"Oh. I don't know. Maybe. I told Darry once that the baby being adopted made me think of how me and Pony could've been taken away. Cause both mean going somewhere else, as different as they are. So it's like stuff gets connected in my head, even when it shouldn't fit together."

"I understand, buddy, and I wouldn't say it shouldn't fit together. It does because they're all things you've been through that made you have similar feelings. It makes sense for you to connect them, and I think it's good that you can see how to do that."

"I'm connecting the past and the present."

"Yeah. Exactly."

Soda looked down at his arm, lightly brushing his fingernails over the skin. "I haven't done it anymore, Stevie."

"You haven't done what anymore?"

"Made myself bleed. I didn't do it again after what you told me the last time."

Steve squeezed the shoulder where his hand still rested, his eyes closing for a moment at the memory of Soda's blood that had seeped from self-inflicted scratches. "I'm glad, brother. Cause that means you've only been coping in ways that are healthy. It's the best thing you can do for yourself."

Soda put a hand on Steve's shoulder as well, giving him a grin that he hoped could assure his best friend of his current stability. "Yeah. I didn't think of it like that, but it sure does. Even when my mind's gone to a scary place, I haven't hurt myself to get away from it. Or tried to say the feelings weren't there, like I did before."

Steve attempted to blink away the tears that were quickly forming in his eyes, as his mind carried him back to the first weeks of Soda's recovery following the shooting. "Yeah. You've done great, man. Everything just hit you so fast then, buddy. So I hope you don't ever look back and blame yourself for reacting like you did with the flashbacks or any of it."

Soda heard the shake in Steve's voice, as he watched the rapid blinking of his blue eyes. "It's okay if you cry, Stevie. I know it hurts to think about that stuff. And I ain't blamin' myself for how I tried to deal at first. You're right about everything hitting me so fast. Just like you said, I fell right into the dark cause it was so hard to talk, and I didn't know what I was supposed to do."

Steve moved his hand to Soda's back, pressing his face into his best friend's shoulder, voice thick when he spoke. "I know it's okay if I cry. I just don't want to."

Soda let out a light chuckle, as he felt a tear soak into his shirt sleeve and wrapped an arm around Steve. "I sure know what that's like. But like you told me, cryin' is part of healing, and you wouldn't be doing it if you didn't need to. I even said the same thing to Darry the other night cause he really needed to cry. More than that, I think he needed me to be the one there for him when he did."

"It's really something for Superman to let you see him be vulnerable."

"Yeah. I was real glad to listen to him and comfort him too." Soda kept his arm around Steve, as he heard him sniffling. "Funny how it works, ain't it?"

"How what works?"

"Your trauma became mine, and mine became yours. I think we've both cried more for each other than for ourselves."

"That reminds me of something Pony said when I came over after your appointment with Dr. Morgan."

"It does?"

"Yeah. Cause he apologized for what he said about you and me not really being brothers, and we talked a little bit about what being brothers means."

"I'm glad he apologized to you for that."

"He didn't have to, but so am I." Steve's head remained on Soda's shoulder, his eyes still wet with tears. "Then, he said being brothers means you're so much a part of each other's lives that there's no way to separate them. He's right. That's exactly how me and you are. It's why we share our traumas."

Soda rested his head on Steve's, the skin on his cheek brushing against his best friend's hair, as his eyes moved to the box that was near them. "I need to show Pony."

"You need to show him what?"

"The box. So he can see more of my recovery and understand what kind of stuff helps me."

Steve lifted his head from Soda's shoulder, using the heel of one hand to wipe away the remaining tears. "Yeah, you should do that, man. I think he really wants to be more involved, you know?"

"Yeah. I can sure dig that. I still need to tell him about the adoption too."

"I can see why it'd be kind of hard to talk to your little brother about something like that, and you've been going through so much just to come to terms with it."

"I have, and it makes me scared of what'll happen when the baby's actually born."

"Don't go there yet, buddy. You'll burn that bridge when you get to it. You've gotta stay in the present, and keep talking the way you were just now."

"What way was I talkin', Stevie?"

"I mean what you just said about Pony and showing him the box. The way you talked about your recovery is you owning it. I love hearing that, brother. Because you're not just talking about help and healing, you're claiming it. You're stepping forward and making recovery yours."

"So what do you think, buddy? You're going to have a little brother or sister, one who's here on earth with us. And I promise he or she is going to know all about you. Life is bringing us a new blessing, but you'll never be forgotten."

"Hey, Pone, come here. I want to show you something."

Pony followed the sound of Soda's voice down the hall, going from his own bedroom doorway to that of his middle brother. "What is it, Soda?"

Soda waved Pony into the room, as he took a seat on his bed. "I want to show you what Dr. Morgan had me do."

Pony joined Soda on the bed, noticing the gray shoebox that was near the pillow. "What's in there?"

Soda moved the box so that it was between himself and Pony, as he took off the lid. "Dr. Morgan gave me this a few sessions ago, so I could write stuff on the cards and put pictures in the albums."

Pony saw the stack of index cards and touched the top one, as he spread them apart to see more of the words written on the blue lines. "Some of these look like Steve's handwriting."

"Cause it is. He helped me with these and with the pictures."

Pony read a couple of the cards: You're a big brother, a little brother, and a best friend. You're wanted and needed just because you're Sodapop. You need care and love to help you heal inside, and we're here to be that for you. "So why did she want you to do this?"

"To help me when I'm havin' a tough time. Especially when I have the suicidal thoughts. Cause she knows how much it means for me to have something physical, and she knows words from people I love mean a lot too."

Pony picked up one of the photo albums and peeked inside, spotting a picture of himself, then one of Darry, both taken recently. "Why these?"

"Cause they're of you guys. And they're little moments that count, like I told you before."

Pony noticed the folded sheet of paper that was tucked underneath the index cards, recognizing the writing he could see. "Isn't that the letter Steve wrote you out on the porch? I saw him that day."

"Yeah. It is. He thought to write it, so I'd have something else to put in here."

"I remember he was so focused on writing that, like what he had to say was really important."

"Cause it is important, and it helped me to read it."

Pony stared at the letter for a moment, his gaze then moving back to the index cards and their words of affirmation and encouragement. This gives me an idea, he thought. I know something I want to do for you. I know a way I can help.

"I think it'll be glorious, Stevie."

Steve flipped the DX's sign to 'closed,' as he replied to Soda. "If I weren't so glad to hear you talk like that, I'd say you need to get out more, buddy."

Soda lifted himself onto the counter, his mind reflecting, as his feet dangled just above the floor where he'd bled less than four months prior. "I don't know what it is. I just feel like tonight is going to be sort of miraculous."