Chapter 35: Sophie

A/N: So apparently when I tell you that life is getting busy, I somehow end up finding the time to write, while when I promise a new chapter soon, everything else seems to get in the way. I can't explain it, but I'll just go with it for now! I supposed I could spread out the chapters that I write when I'm more productive to cover the days I'm busier, but I have no patience. LOL

Maura: June, Present Day

As consciousness returned through the haze of sleep, the first thing Maura noticed was how normal waking up tangled up with Jane felt – like they'd been doing it for years. The second thing she noticed was that Jane was clearly awake and deep in thought. Maura hadn't yet opened her eyes – she wanted to enjoy the comfort for a few more moments – but she could feel Jane's fingers fidgeting with the sheet covering them.

Maura opened her eyes but didn't lift her head; she gently threaded her fingers through Jane's to stop her fidgeting, but stopping Jane's fidgeting didn't stop Maura's growing anxiety about what was causing the fidgeting.

"Are you anxious about the adoption?" Maura whispered, voicing her biggest fear. "Because if you're not ready, it's okay Jane. We can wait; we can…"

"What?!" Jane said quickly, shifting Maura so that she could meet her eyes. "Of course not! Why would you…what made you think that?"

"You seem nervous," Maura admitted. "You're fidgeting. I know adopting Sophie is a big deal – a lifelong commitment. I'd understand if you needed more time."

Maura could feel Jane searching her face. It made her feel both seen and exposed at the same time. She realized that in the nearly seven years that she had been gone, no one had looked at her this deeply for this long. She had always known that she had missed Jane – that she had missed Jane's touch, that she had missed how well Jane knew her, that she had missed feeling understood – but she hadn't realized how much she missed the little things. In the nine days she had been home, she had rediscovered so many things that she had missed without even realizing it – things she had taken for granted before but never would again.

When Jane's eyes narrowed in concern, Maura realized that she had been quiet for too long. "No! I don't need more time," she said quickly.

"Okay," Jane said slowly, "but you hesitated."

Maura couldn't stop the loving smile that took over her face. She moved closer to Jane so that they were still face-to-face but Maura could wrap her arms around Jane and hold her close. "I did but not at all for the reason you think. I was so lost in thought about how much I took the little things for granted before everything happened. Sometimes, it just hits me at weird times. I always knew I missed you, but there are some things I didn't even realize I had missed," Maura tried to explain.

Jane gave Maura a soft kiss before responding, "I actually completely understand what you mean. I took the little things for granted, too. It's not just that. Yes, I took too much for granted, but I think there were also so many little things that you used to do for me that I didn't even realize."

Maura just nodded because Jane was right; there were so many things she hadn't even realized that they did to take care of each other – for each other.

"But to answer your original question, I was in no way reconsidered or worried about adopting Sophie. I want to adopt her. I want to adopt her so much that I can't even figure out the right words to tell you how much. What I was thinking about was whether or not we should bring Harper. On the one hand, I kinda want all the kids there because it's a special day, but on the other hand, I'm a little worried that Sophie being adopted but not Harper will be confusing for both of them. I talked to Emma and Finn last night before bed, so I know that they understand at least the basics. I honestly hadn't realized that we hadn't really talked to Harper and Sophie about it though."

Maura chewed on her bottom lip as she thought about what Jane was saying. She had put a lot of thought into what was best for Sophie, and she was completely convinced that Jane adopting Sophie was by far the best option. She was also sure that waiting was what was best for Emma and Finn. Not only was the situation more emotionally complicated for them, but because they were older, they could better understand and contribute to the decision. Sophie and Harper were at an awkward age where they weren't old enough to provide consent, but they were old enough that they wanted (and needed) to understand at least on some level. Of course, the full complications of their situation were too much for Sophie and Harper to understand, but they did understand what a parent was.

"I don't…I don't know," Maura admitted.

"Yeah, neither do I," Jane added with a humorless laugh just as the alarm went off on her phone. "We have to get up. Think about it while we get Emma and Finn out the door, and I'll do the same. We can make a decision at that point."

Maura nodded as Jane started to get out of bed. She was halfway out before she turned back to reassure Maura. "Even if we end up making the wrong choice about how we talk to them about this or whether we bring Harper, we're still making the right decision about the adoption, and that's what's more important in the long run. We'll figure out the rest, even if we have to do a little clean up, okay?" Jane said gently.

Maura let out a breath she didn't know she was holding before nodding again and following Jane out of bed. Jane was right of course. They were never going to get everything right, but the legal protection that the formal adoption extended to Sophie was the most important thing right now. They would try their best with everything else, and hopefully, one day the girls would understand that they only wanted what was best for all four of them.

Maura and Jane didn't try to talk about it again while helping Emma and Finn get ready for school, nor did Maura come to a decision about what she thought was best. However, they forgot to take into account the fact that the kids talked to each other – something Maura was definitely not used to.

It was only seconds after Jane closed the door behind her to walk Emma and Finn to the bus stop that Sophie brought the topic up herself.

"Mommy?" Sophie's sweet voice called out tentatively.

"Yes, sweetie," Maura replied, sitting down in front of both Sophie and Harper to give them her full attention.

"What's adapting?" Sophie asked, and both Sophie and Harper's eyes were glued on Maura, who was very confused by Sophie's question.

"Well, adapting is the process of an organism – that means a living thing like a person or an animal – changing to better fit their environment," Maura explained as simply as she could, still unsure why Sophie was asking about adaption.

Sophie stared blankly at Maura for a few minutes before she teared up. "I don't know how to change," she whined.

"What?" Maura asked, even more confused. Sophie crawled into her lap as she sniffled. She wasn't crying hard or having a full-blown melt-down, but she was definitely still distressed.

Harper scrunched her face as she added, "Emma and Finn said that Sophie's getting adapted..ad-ah…ado…wait what's the word?"

"Oh, you're asking about adoption," Maura said, happy that she finally understood what the girls were asking about. Maura shifted Sophie in her lap so that she could look her in the face.

"Is that, like, an animal?" Harper asked. "Is Sophie getting a pet like we have Olaf?"

"I want one!" Sophie said quickly, perking up.

"No, it's not," Maura clarified. "Adoption is not an animal; it's a process. Yes, Sophie, you are getting adopted today. It just means that Jane is going to officially be your mom, too. I'm still your mom. That will never change, but now Jane will also be your mom."

"Oh!" Harper sat up in excitement as she made the connection to the stories she had heard about Emma and Finn her whole life. "Like mama is Emma and Finn's mom by choice!"

"Yes, exactly!" Maura said with a smile.

"But you said that Jane was already my family by choice," Sophie said.

"Yes, she is," Maura said firmly. "Today we are just going to make that official, which means that we have to tell some people that Jane is your family by choice. It doesn't change anything here at home, okay? And I know that you don't fully understand. But what you need to know is that I love you and will be your mommy forever, and Jane loves you and will be your mama forever. Today, we just get to tell some other people that Jane is your mama forever."

"Are we gonna tell them that you're my mommy forever, too?" Harper asked, her voice full of hope. Maura felt tears burning in the corners of her eyes as the weight of Harper's question hit her.

Maura took a deep breath and shoved her own emotions back down so that she could focus on Harper. "We will do that one day, but not today. That doesn't mean I'm not your mommy forever because I am. I love you so much, and I will always be your mommy, too. Mama and I will always be your and your sisters' moms, okay. But we have to pick another day to make it official – to tell people that I'm your mommy forever. Today is the day that we tell people that mama is Sophie's mama forever, but you will have your own day when we tell people that I'm your mommy forever."

"It's a secret?" Harper asked sadly.

"No, that's not what I meant," Maura said quickly. "It's not a secret. You can tell anyone and everyone that I am your mommy forever because I am so proud to be your, Sophie, Emma, and Finn's mommy, okay? Being your mommy – being mommy to all four of you – that's my favorite thing in the entire world."

"Even me?" Harper asked; some of her happiness had returned, but she clearly still recognized that she was different from her sisters.

"Absolutely!" Maura said with as much conviction as she could because it was true. She loved being mommy to all four girls. "What's going to happen today doesn't change anything about how much I love you or how much mama loves Sophie. It's just something that we have to do to make sure that everyone knows that we're family by choice. Sophie being adopted first doesn't mean that mama loves Sophie more than I love you. It's just that sometimes Sophie will get to go first, and sometimes you will get to go first. For example, you're a few months older than Sophie so you will get to learn how to drive first."

"I don't want to drive," Harper said flatly.

Maura chuckled. "Okay, but you will when you're older," Maura replied, and she couldn't help adding in her head 'and I'm going to remind you both of this conversation when Sophie's upset that Harper gets to drive first.' And that thought made her irrationally happy because thinking about the girls together that far into the future – that thought meant everything to Maura.

"Okay, um, so we are going to go tell people that Jane is my mama by choice, today, and then tomorrow we are going to go tell them that you're Harper's mommy by choice?" Sophie asked as she tried to work through the conversation.

"Well, not tomorrow, but otherwise, you are right," Maura said. "We're going to go tell people that Jane is your mama by choice today, and on a different day, we will go tell them that I'm Harper's mommy by choice. It just won't be tomorrow. I don't know what day it will happen though."

Maura paused while the two girls thought about what Maura was telling them. Eventually, Maura asked, "How do you guys feel about that?"

"Okay," Harper replied slowly. "I'm happy that we get to tell people that mama is Sophie's mama too, but I wish we could tell them that you're my mommy by choice too."

"I do, too," Maura said honestly. "But you understand that it doesn't change how much I love you, right?"

"Yeah," Harper replied.

"Soph, how do you feel?" Maura asked.

Sophie shrugged before answering, "Happy, I think." Although, she didn't sound completely certain.

"Are you happy and confused or happy and sad or happy and angry?" Maura suggested.

"Happy and com-foosed," Sophie answered confidently.

Maura laughed lightly. "Okay, well, that's okay. You will understand more as you get older. I'm just happy that you're happy about this, too."

"I can come though, right?" Harper asked suddenly. "Even though we can't tell them that you're my mommy by choice too, I can still come when you tell them that mama is Sophie's mama by choice, right?"

Maura smiled. Apparently, Harper was going to decide for them because there was no way that Maura was going to say no to that request. "Yes, sweetie. I think that Sophie will love having you there, too. Right, Soph?" Maura asked, giving Sophie a playful squeeze.

Sophie nodded but didn't have a chance to respond as they heard the front door open. Harper was off the couch and Sophie was off Maura's lap, both running towards Jane before Maura had even processed that Jane was back.

"Jane! Jane! Jane!" Sophie squealed excitedly as she launched herself into Jane's arms along with Harper. "We get to tell people that you're my mama, too!"

Jane smiled at Sophie and gave both girls a hug before looking over their heads at Maura, who returned her smile.

"We were just talking about what is going to happen today," Maura explained, hoping that Jane wouldn't be upset that they had the conversation without her – although, she knew Jane would understand that Sophie and Harper started the conversation. "I explained that today we are going to tell people that you are Sophie's mama forever in order to make it official, and…"

"And then we're going to go a different day to tell them that mommy's my mommy by choice, too!" Harper excitedly interrupted. "But I wish we could do me and mommy today, too" she added a little more quietly. "It doesn't change how much mommy loves me, though," Harper said, her excitement returning.

Maura gave Jane a chaste kiss as she joined the three of them by the front door.

"That's right, note," Jane replied, returning her attention to Harper. "And you'll get your day, I promise."

Harper nodded before adding, "But I still get to come today!"

Jane nodded as she continued to smile down at Harper and Sophie. "Yeah, you can come, but you both need to let me and mommy get ready if we're going to get there on time for my and Sophie's appointment." Turning her attention to Maura, she suggested, "Do you want to go first?"

And Maura did go first. As she left the bedroom fully ready for the day, she glanced over the railing, seeing Jane, Harper, and Sophie playing. She paused for a moment to watch them, stepping behind the wall so that they wouldn't notice her.

"Okay, mama," Harper said. "You go in the hallway. Imma be Elsa and Sophie you're Anna. I'm going to make snow piles like this." Harper flung her hands out in front of her, imitating Elsa from the movie Frozen. "Soph, you jump from pile to pile, and you gotta say 'Faster, Elsa! Faster!' and then when I hit you, you fall like this," Harper continued her instructions, this time dropping to the ground dramatically before scrambling up and continuing, "And then I call for mama, and mama you gotta come running and say 'Elsa, what have you done?' 'Kay?"

Jane chuckled but agreed to Harper's instructions. Maura continued to watch as the girls acted out their scene from the movie. She had to hide her laughter as Jane played along, dramatically acting out the role of the parents, but the truth was, it warmed her heart to watch Jane playing with their daughters. She smiled as Sophie giggled the entire time she was supposed to be pretending to be frozen and Harper kept shushing her (with zero success). As silly as the game itself was, the entire scene made Maura so incredibly happy. It was all she ever wanted for all of her kids – a happy, loving family.

Maura: January Two and a Half Years Ago

Maura stood half hidden in the doorway to Sophie's room. The little girl was sleeping soundly for her mid-afternoon nap. Maura had taken the day off. It was Sophie's first birthday, and Maura wanted to make sure that her daughter got the celebration she deserved. She had decorated the house the previous evening after Sophie went to sleep. She had made bunny pancakes for breakfast (which of course just became a sticky mess), adding a birthday hat to the bunny for a celebratory touch, and she had tried to make a big deal about telling Sophie that it was her birthday.

Sophie had enjoyed the pancakes, and she had looked around at the colorful decorations for a few minutes, but ultimately, she didn't really understand nor care that it was her birthday.

A few tears escaped and ran down Maura's cheeks as she continued to watch her daughter sleep. She knew that at this age, Sophie didn't really care about her birthday celebration. However, it still broke her heart that Sophie didn't have family here to celebrate with her. Maybe she wouldn't understand a birthday party, but she would understand having family to spend the day with. She would understand playing with her sisters and hypothetical cousins, and Maura hated that she couldn't give her daughter that.

Maura had purchased a small cake for after dinner. She wanted to take the always adorable "cake smash" pictures that every parent seemed to take of their kid eating their first birthday cake, but she knew that with no one else there to share the cake, most of it would end up in the trash.

After meeting Jane and the Rizzolis, Maura had gotten used to the idea that her future children would have the family birthday celebrations that she had always wanted as a child, but that was no longer the case. Sophie didn't have the family that Maura wished she had – well, maybe she had the family Maura wanted her to have, but she didn't know they existed, and they didn't know she existed – and that seemed unlikely to change in the future. Maura, of course, would always make sure that she was present and active in her daughter's life; she just wished that she could give her more – that she could give her a family.

Jane: June, Present Day

Jane didn't expect the tears that freely flowed down her face as the family court judge banged his gavel and declared her Sophie's mom, and there seemed to be nothing she could do to stop them. They continued to flow as she pulled Sophie into a massive hug, they continued to flow as Harper inserted herself into their embrace, and they continued to flow as Maura wrapped her arms around her and whispered her own teary, "thank you," into Jane's ear.

They were still pouring out, making it difficult to read the paper, as she signed the adoption paperwork, and they were still coming when they took a few pictures.

Jane had known that today would be special. She had known that adopting Sophie would mean a lot to her. She had not known that she would lose complete control over her emotions.

Sophie and Harper did not go down easily for their afternoon naps. Both of them were still riding their emotional high that had come from the adoption proceedings. Between the pre-nap fight and her own emotional roller coaster this morning, Jane was exhausted by the time the girls were asleep.

"I love you so much," Maura whispered as she sat on the couch next to Jane, giving her a soft kiss on the cheek before she wrapped her arms around Jane completely and cuddled into her side.

"I love you, too," Jane said quietly. "And Sophie. I love you both so much. I feel so incredibly lucky."

"I do, too," Maura replied. "This is all I've ever wanted for my kids. I wanted them to have lots of people who love them."

"And they do," Jane added.

"Yes, they do, but I think they are luckiest to have you loving them, just like I am."

"We could argue about this all day, but I will always win," Jane teased. "I am absolutely the luckiest out of all of us."

Maura gave Jane a playful pinch to the side as she chuckled. Jane was right; they would never agree on this one. "I guess we'll have to agree to disagree," she said.

"Fiiinnneee" Jane huffed out playfully, feigning annoyance, as she wrapped herself further around Maura.

They stayed like that, all wrapped up together on the couch, in comfortable silence for a while. Maura was the first one to break the silence. "I felt terrible disappointing Harper today," she admitted softly.

"I know, but she's fine. I'll bet you money that when it's Harper's turn, Sophie will be all annoyed that her adoption is already done. Kids just like to be the center of attention. I could tell by the tone of her voice that she was more upset about that than she was about the actual adoption. She doesn't understand what that means. To her, what really matters is that you love her, and she knows that you do. If I thought otherwise, I would tell you," Jane said honestly.

"Okay, I do understand that. I still felt like I was letting her down."

"I've actually been wondering how much Sophie and Harper will actually remember any of this. I mean, I don't have many memories before I was five or so, but I do have a couple of very specific memories from when I was three and four. Like is all of this significant enough that they'll remember it, or is it just going to seem like they've always been together," Jane pondered out loud.

"I don't know," Maura said. "Probably a little of both, but I guess we won't really know until they're older. It's an interesting thought though."

"Yeah," Jane replied, somewhat absentmindedly.

"I'm sorry I talked to them without you this morning," Maura added.

"Why? It seemed to go well. You don't need my permission to talk to any of our kids about anything you want."

"I know, but some conversations should probably involve both of us. This seemed like one of those conversations, but they brought it up. I couldn't just avoid it, and I didn't really want to either."

"Yeah, I heard that Emma and Finn told them," Jane said, "which is probably something we should have realized was going to happen after I talked to them."

"Actually, that is definitely something I'm going to have to get used to. It's weird that they have this whole other source of information – okay, that sounds weird. My point is, I'm not used to Sophie really getting information from anyone other than me. I mean, of course, she would come home from daycare with stories and random things, but that's different. It's one thing for her to get information from you or another adult in the family – we can just talk about it after. I'm not explaining this well at all, but…" Maura trailed off.

"I think I sort of understand what you're saying. I never really thought about it that way, but the bond between siblings is so unique. I think that's what you're really talking about. Most of my memories from my childhood also involve my brothers. I mean, we definitely had our own relationships with each other completely separate from our parents. And I started with two, so I'm used to it with the kids. Emma and Finn always had a bond that I wasn't really a part of, and they have it now with Harper, too. But you didn't grow up with siblings and you aren't used to raising siblings, either."

"Yes, that's actually exactly what I'm talking about. I want that for Sophie, of course, but it does add a weird extra element to parenting," Maura added with a laugh.

"Yeah, just wait until they're older," Jane quipped. "Then, they'll really start conspiring against us."

"Conspiring?" Maura laughed.

"Absolutely," Jane replied, joining in Maura's laughter. "We're in trouble."

"Yes, we are, but also so so lucky," Maura added as she shifted in Jane's arms to give Jane a loving kiss. They stopped before it could go any further, and Maura continued, "I was also surprised by your reaction this morning."

"Ha, so was I," Jane replied, attempting to mock annoyance, but the smile that made her entire face glow gave her away.

"It was sweet," Maura said.

Jane scrunched her face in displeasure. "It was kinda embarrassing," she whined.

"I still think it was sweet," Maura repeated. "I love that you were so moved by the adoption. I could tell that it meant a lot to you."

"It did. It does," Jane said firmly. "I just didn't expect the never-ending tears."

Deciding not to press Jane on the issue, Maura gave Jane a gentle kiss on the cheek before resting her head against her chest again. "Well, today made me so happy," she said quietly.

"Me too," Jane replied. "More than you know."