The next day Carla was determined to get out a bit more, she had felt like she had been cooped up indoors in the later stages of her pregnancy so now that Esme was here she wanted out. Carla was holding her baby as she paced the room trying to settle her, the first day was easy, Esme was perfect but now a few days in and she was questioning whether she was cut out for this. Peter had definitely seen a change in her, she was fiercely protective of her child even refusing to let Simon have a hold of his sister constantly afraid that her baby would come to harm. She was trying to prove a point and Peter knew that from the off but he didnt really know how to stop this behaviour of hers as it might damage the bond mother and child had made so he really was in a difficult situation.
"Hey, yes, you are so cute" she rubs her nose against the baby's nose causing Esme's face to change shape "What are we going to do today then poppet? Are we going to go outside for a walk to get into a nice routine? Yes we are, yes we are"
"Carla" Peter smiles entering the room, she smiles up at him before Michelle came into view "I was thinking maybe you could go to lunch with Michelle"
"Peter" she sighs dramatically rolling her eyes "It's sweet of you but I need to be here with Esme because she might need to be fed"
"Ok then how about I bring lunch to you both here, I'll have Esme whilst you and Michelle sit in front of the firepit, I'll get you a takeaway"
"I'm good ta" she smiles cooing over her baby, Peter sighs and shares a sideways glance to Michelle who cottoned on rather quickly
"Ok, then how about you bring Esme-"
"It'll be too cold for her"
"Not if you have this" she smiles pulling out a present from her bag "I was gonna give it to you on Christmas but...you were otherwise engaged"
"Yes I was, wasn't I poppet?" Carla kisses her baby on the nose as her little hands reach up to her face and Carla kisses each of them "All because you wanted to come early eh?"
"So what do you say?" Michelle questions taking the sling out, Carla hums and nods "Good, now Peter can get us lunch"
"Anything in particular ladies?" he smirks as Michelle helps attach the sling to Carla's body
"Uh surprise us" Carla smirks kissing her husband softly on the lips before tapping his cheek, she heads downstairs with Michelle and into the garden, she turns on the firepit "Right then"
"So how are you?" Michelle asks tentatively, Carla hums slightly and nods
"Good yeah, happy she's my world and I love her so much"
"She's literally the spit of you, I can't believe how much she's changed in just four days" Michelle shakes her head in disbelief, Carla chuckles and kisses her daughter on the head as she looks at Michelle "She's a curious little thing"
"I know she's obsessed with lights like I just catch her staring at my phone when I'm on it and she's on my chest" Carla chuckles "It's surprising really she's only a few days old and you wouldn't think she would be interested would you?"
"I guess not" Michelle chuckles holding Esme's hand, her niece yawns "Oh she's so cute, you're making me broody little lady"
"Hey, maybe you and Ciaran-"
"Shut it" Michelle silences her, Carla just giggles and bites her lip before shaking her head "Peter was worried about you"
"Was he?" she frowns knowing this was news to her, she was surprised he didnt confide in her about the way he was feeling
"Yeah, he was worried about you being a little too overprotective of Esme," she says, Carla nods slowly "You look tired"
"Well, thats an astute observation Michelle" she rolls her eyes before sighing "Look whatever Peter thinks, he's barking up the wrong tree ok? I'm fine, Esme's fine Michelle and I'm just protecting my baby because she's so precious and I love her, I didnt get to do that with...my last pregnancy and I have a baby now I want to be a good mum and protect her from all the bad things"
"I just think Peter's feeling a little left out thats all" Michelle says gently, Carla frowns as she genuinely thought he was ok with it
"Well, he was the one with the whole natural approach as well when it came down to her he agreed with what I said about it when I suggested it..." Carla trails off "Exclusively breastfed no bottles or anything, no dummies that sort of thing"
"Babe you can see how it's hard on him" Michelle laments feeling sorry for her friends' husband "It's good for Esme to have that connection with her daddy"
"And she does have a connection with him-"
"When was the last time he held her and had proper snuggles?" Michelle questions, Carla sighs and bites her lip as the tears flood her eyes, Michelle was right she really was hogging her daughter and pushing Peter away no matter how unintentionally "Oh babe I didnt mean to make you upset"
"It's just hormones"
"And you don't need to make that excuse with me either" she smiles slightly "Speak to me"
"I just...I don't know how I feel" she admits "All I know is that I love her so much but then I question whether I do and my mind plays tricks on me"
"Then let Peter take some of the strain" she whispers squeezing Carla's hand "And whenever you need a baby sitter I'll be here you know that if you want some time out with Peter"
"Like I wake up every day to either her crying or needing me and I love that she depends on me as not a lot of people do you know, she's my daughter and I love her but when I hold her I feel so much love and then the times I'm away from her I have a chance to look at myself, look at my body and then I feel lost again because I look so different"
"She will always love you, Carla, you're her mum sweetheart" Michelle whispers softly not making it known that Peter was standing at the patio doors listening intently to their conversation as he needed to hear this "And those feelings you have you're not the only one babe, you'll get your figure back and you'll look bloody beautiful like you always do, even now you're glowing but you need to give your body time to adapt to normality again it's gone through something huge, having a baby is huge and it's totally normal to feel different about yourself, I know I did after having Ryan, after Ruairi"
"I just dont want Peter or anyone else to hold her that much because when I hold her all those feelings about myself go away you know, she's the proof as to why my body is like that and when I don't have her in my arms I feel ugly"
"Come here" Michelle whispers shifting onto the sun lounger Carla was lying on, she tries her best not to squish Esme who was sleeping peacefully in her sling as she hugged her friend who cries into her shoulder
"Everything ok?" Peter questions as Carla groans in annoyance pinching the bridge of her nose
"You were listening weren't you?" she questions glaring at her husband who sighs and nods "Was this some sort of plan between you two then?"
"No Carla, we just wanted to help," Peter says as Carla gets off the sun lounger and shakes her head "Come on love don't push me away-"
"I don't want to speak to you I'm going out"
"Carla please" he starts but it was too late, she was out the door with Esme in her sling and the nappy bag on her shoulder "Now what?"
"I don't know but we need to stop this mindset before it festers into more" Michelle says, Peter nods slowly biting his lip before sighing
Carla was on her way to the only place where she felt as if she wouldn't be judged; Roy's. She entered the café and Roy immediately smiled at her before taking a closer look at her dishevelled state so he invited her upstairs and Nina smiled at her before biting her lip at the baby she was holding. Luckily for Carla Esme remained asleep and she was able to just relax a bit without being judged by anyone here. Nina and Roy were the least judgemental types and Peter but right now she really did see Peter as the enemy in her head which worried her immensely as she really didnt want to feel like this now. Nina placed a cup of coffee down on the coffee table and didnt interfere because she knew this was Carla's safe place and that had to be respected.
"Do you want to hold her?" Carla offers even though it felt so wrong, Nina smiles and nods slowly allowing Carla to place her daughter in Nina's awaiting arms "What do you think?"
"I dont know really" Nina contemplates looking down at the small child "I mean don't get me wrong she's pretty cute but babies, they look kind of...alien-ish"
"Oh cheers" Carla scoffs going into the nappy bag and checking to see what she had "Surprised you're not into that sort of thing"
"Thats so narrowminded" she scowls, Carla smirks shaking her head and taking the baby back "So what brings you here then considering you have a perfectly well established flat not too far away"
"You know I'm teasing" Carla smiles looking at Esme who begins to cry, she takes her off Nina and holds her close to her chest before allowing her to feed, Roy enters the room with Peter causing Carla to roll her eyes and collect her bag, she tries to leave but Peter doesn't let her "I just want space"
"Carla, we need to speak," he says looking at her in the eyes, in a way he was willing her not to cause a scene here "Please?"
"I'll just go in here," Nina says as Carla glares at her but she bites her lip and goes into her room, Carla sighs and sits on the armchair, Peter sits on the sofa
"I just want to understand"
"You heard it all" she states with a glare "You should know what I mean"
"Baby, I really just want to help"
"Then why didnt you tell me how you felt?"
"I tried," he says because it was true, she was the one who kept pushing him away trying to be the superior parent "But you were the one who kept pushing baby, can't you see how this may hurt me?"
"I do" she laments "But...she's my little girl and I need to protect her"
"And thats great Carla" he whispers sitting on the arm of the armchair "But its also healthy to have a break baby, it's also healthy to do other things and let me have her for a bit to give you some time alone, you dont have to do this alone I'm here and I want to be hands-on"
"Sorry," she says quietly, he hushes her and runs his fingers through her hair causing her to bite her lip "I just wanted to prove that I can do this, I didnt want people seeing me as useless"
"Why would they think that?"
"Because I haven't exactly come across as maternal have I in the past?" she hums looking down at Esme "I just don't want people thinking I'm not cut out for this"
"You're allowed to feel sad baby, this is totally normal we knew this might happen remember? I just don't want the lack of sleep and the obsession with Esme to make you ill so can you please just let me have her so you can take a breather"
"I dont know" she responds shiftily looking down at her daughter who had continued to nurse "I don't want to leave her, she's my baby and that feels wrong if I leave her"
"Look at me" he whispers tilting her face up to him, he kisses her softly on the lips "Let's just try twenty minutes, why dont we go back to the house, Michelle's still there and you two can go for a little walk around the streets to get your moving and I'll have Esme, she will be fine because she's just been fed"
"Ok" she responds hesitantly as she winds her daughter "I just...if I don't like it can I come back? Michelle won't force me?"
"No she won't and yes you can come back if it makes you feel unhappy," he says, she nods feeling a bit better about things so he takes the changing bag and puts it on his shoulder before leading her out to the car after they said thank you to Roy...
Carla headed home and Michelle was waiting for her, she left Esme with Peter and kissed her on the head, she really didnt want to leave her daughter but Peter was right she needed to be separated from her at some point so she went out with Michelle on a walk on the promise they wouldn't talk about Esme. As soon as she got back in Peter was in the nursery, Michelle left to go back to the pub as she was staying with Johnny and Jenny, she saw her husband rocking in the rocking chair with Esme against his chest in only a nappy with a couple of blankets draped over her as it was pretty cold, she sat down on the gym ball that they were storing in there and watched her husband sleep with their daughter.
"God Carla!" Peter gasps causing Esme to wake up and pull a face before falling asleep again "Are you trying to frighten me half to death?!"
"Sorry" she drops her gaze and bites her lip, he sighs and beckons her over, she sits on the arm of the rocking chair "Is she ok?"
"Yeah she's fine" he smiles as Esme yawns before sneezing "Oh dear"
"Silly girl" Carla coos stroking a finger across her daughter's cheek but now it just didnt feel right because of all that Peter said "She looks comfortable there, I'll leave you to it-"
"Carla wait" he sighs noticing the sadness in her voice, he gets up and takes her hand and leads her into the bedroom, they sit on the bed and he places Esme on the bed so that they could look at her "I didnt mean to upset you"
"Well you did" she responds bluntly taking one of the blankets and wrapping Esme up in it so she wasn't cold "You don't trust me not to get ill do you?"
"I just want to make sure you're ok because I love you and I love Esme" he confirms, she sighs and bites her lip "I also want to make sure you're not putting too much pressure on yourself to reduce the likelihood of you getting ill"
"Ok," she says sadly allowing her daughter to rest against her chest, she begins to cry "Oh I know sweetheart, mummy's heart is racing isnt it?"
"Is it?" he questions brushing a strand of hair away from her face "I'll tell you what we'll do, we're going to have a lazy afternoon and we're just going to cuddle, Esme can join in, Misty can as well and we'll just have a family snuggle day to see if we can calm you down"
"I'd like that" she smiles as Peter nods kissing Carla on the forehead, she snuggles against the pillows that were propped against the headboard, Peter puts his arm around her shoulder and tickles Esme's chin with the other causing Carla to giggle
"Stop it" she laughs slightly, Peter grins and continues to do it as Esme's face was changing shape "She looks like an old man when you do that, her face goes all wrinkly"
"Carla" he chuckles kissing her on the side of the head, she giggles and kisses her daughter gently on the forehead "Right what movie are we watching?"
"As long as it nothing too gory" she pulls a face as Esme opens her eyes to look at her father before yawning
"Oh hello" he chuckles stroking his daughter's cheek, she yawns again "Go to sleep then poppet if you're tired"
"Here," Carla says taking Peter's hand and placing it on Esme's head "She likes a head massage"
"Of course she does, just like her mother" Peter rolls his eyes and begins to run his fingers over his daughter's hair, she yawns again but her eyes remain open "Stop trying to fight your tiredness sweetheart"
"She's going to miss out if she sleeps, thats what she's thinking" Carla smiles as Esme finally relents and closes her eyes, Carla places her finger in her daughter's hand and kisses her one last time before moving her over to the bassinet so she could curl up beside Peter "I'm sorry"
"You don't need to apologise" he chuckles slightly and kisses her on the head, she shifts onto his lap "I just want you to realise that you dont need to prove anything to anyone"
"Yeah and I need to realise that and all" she sighs shaking her head, he kisses her on the lips and her hand immediately cups his cheek as they prolong their kiss "We shouldn't...we should wait until I get cleared by the doctor even though I would love to"
"I know" he rests his forehead against hers as they bite their lips before giggling "I'm happy that you're feeling better though"
"Yeah I think I just need to take a step back and go with the flow instead of trying to change the flow if you get what I mean"
"I understand" he smiles, she giggles and fiddles with his ears "Now let's watch this film before the child wakes up yeah?"
"Good idea"