Chapter 34

Christian

"Good morning, Christian. I don't think it's any secret that you've had a busy weekend," Flynn begins sardonically.

Don't fucking remind me. "Yes."

"Did you think about giving me a call?"

"I was doing damage control."

"And how did that go?"

"The situation is contained." I quick recount the details of how the footage came to be and how Ana took it. "The bastard is being charged, but more than likely he'll get off with goddamn probation and a fine, so I'm suing him for good measure."

"Do you have any insight into the connection to Ana? Or why exactly now?"

"Not really. Ana thinks the name sounds familiar, but she hasn't come up with anything." I run my hands through my hair, frustrated. "He asked for a meeting with me when he was served, but I'm not giving him the time of day. If he wants to confess, he can tell my lawyers. Otherwise, I'm content with taking everything he has and never thinking about him again."

Flynn nods, a furrow between his brows. "I can understand wanting to keep your distance."

He seems like he wants to say more, but I'm more than ready to stop talking about this. "Can we shift gears?" I'm met with another nod, this time in acknowledgement. "Ana has agreed to counseling. I need a list of recommendations from you so we can make an appointment as soon as possible." I'm not pressing my luck waiting for some other shit to hit the fan.

"Oh, yes, I can certainly get that for you. Tell me, what are your goals in counseling?"

"To fix things with Ana completely." What the fuck else would they be?

"What will that look like?"

"Moving back in, being a family again, being happy again. Back to how it was before."

"Before? When you both refused to talk about your feelings and hid things from each other? And what about Ana's new ventures? That's likely going to be different than a 9 to 5 job working in publishing. Can we explore what that might look like?"

Oh, here we fucking go. "I want to show Ana that she can talk to me about her feelings, and I really don't care what she wants to do as long as we're together."

"You say that now, but haven't you always had a bit of a vested interest in whatever Ana gets up to? You've admitted to having fears that her newfound notoriety will attract new suitors. How will you handle that if she continues down this path?" I don't answer immediately, trying to contend with the bombardment of images in my head of Ana with other men. "Not only that, but how will you begin to prioritize your needs with Ana?"

That brings all thoughts to a screeching halt. "What are you talking about? Ana meets all of my needs."

"Ana wouldn't communicate with you. You overheard things about her life that highly disturbed you, but she never actually told you herself. How are you going to advocate for yourself in your relationship and make your needs clear? In this case, the need is to be able to trust that Ana will look to you as an emotional support and someone that she can trust, that she won't internalize her emotions and retreat into herself. In turn, can you really be that person for her, if she begins to open up? Will you be able to handle the negative emotions without internalizing blame?"

"I…" Fuck. "I want to." It's the best I can do right now.

He nods. "I know. I just want us to try to anticipate some of the things that may come up. Suppose Ana wants to, say, go on tour. Her music is highly successful, that wouldn't be out of the realm of possibility. What can you do to support her and communicate your own needs, if you mutually decide to give your relationship another try?"

Big fucking if. I shake my head against the naysaying voice. "I would… go with her if I could, or it could be how it was when I traveled. Phone calls, FaceTime, emails."

"And what if her career was taking up more time than you wanted it to?"

"Where the fuck are going with this?"

He smirks. "What I'm getting at is, there's a fine line between communicating that you want to see her more and guilting her for or forbidding her from doing what she wants." My hackles immediately rise and Flynn raises a placating hand. "Don't act as though you wouldn't be tempted to do that, Christian. I've known you quite a long time. Let's play this out. What would you say to her if you felt like you weren't seeing enough of her due to her career?"

"I'd say she was needed at home."

"Hmm, that sounds like guilt. And it's a bit rich coming from you after your year-long retreat. Let's try… state your needs, then propose a compromise in the form of a question."

Fucking hell. "I'd say I missed her and I wanted to see her more, and… ask if there was any way we could see more of each other."

"That's good. I think it's important that we give you the communication tools to handle things that may come up in joint therapy that might be… less than pleasant for you to hear. And I want to make it clear that this doesn't always result in a reconciliation."

"There is no other option, John."

"So, if Ana decides she still wants to end the marriage, you're going to try to force her to stay?"

"I'll always be trying to get her back."

"Or you can recognize that you are capable of love and carry that forward into a potential next relationship?"

I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to control the onslaught of emotion just from imagining a world where Ana and I aren't together, permanently. "There's no other option for me," I repeat wearily.

"Well… perhaps we'll cross that bridge if we come to it."

"Christian, are you on your way?" Mia's voice demands over the car speakers.

"I'm pulling in, Mia."

It's Teddy's fifth birthday and to no one's surprise, Mia decided that he needed a proper event for it. Ana invited a bunch of his little friends from preschool and Mia is baking him a huge chocolate peanut butter cake. I've been enlisted to greet parents as they drop kids off. Just fucking swell.

I note that my parents' as well as Kate and Elliot's vehicles are already here as I walk into the house and follow my nose to the kitchen, where Mia is in the midst of making frosting. "Oh, there you are. The kids are going to be arriving soon, so it's time to be on your A-game!"

"Where's Ana?"

"I don't know, somewhere around here."

"Daddy!" Teddy comes running in and I catch him just as jumps on me.

"Happy birthday, Teddy bear. Five years old! You're going to be taller than Mommy soon," I say as I hug him to me. I can't actually believe how quickly the last five years have gone. It feels like just yesterday that we brought him home.

"Really?" he asks excitedly. "Come on, come see what Grandma and Grandpa got me!"

He drags me by the hand out to the yard, where an electric, child-sized car is sitting. Kate, Grace, and Carrick are all setting places at a long outdoor table. Phoebe is sitting at one of the chairs, playing with a cloth napkin. I walk over and pick her up to give her a kiss.

"Oh, hello, darling!" Grace says cheerfully.

"Can I drive it now, Grandma?" Teddy is practically bouncing out of his skin.

"We have to read all the instructions first, angel, and your friends are arriving soon! How about later?"

"Fine," he pouts. He walks back into the house with his shoulders slightly slumped. I chuckle and follow him, taking Phoebe with me. I find him in the kitchen with Mia. Elliot has also found his way in here, and they're both sticking their noses into the frosting bowl.

"Hey, bro," Elliot greets. He joins me on my side of the kitchen. "Long time no talk. How are things?"

I think back to the events just of the last week, and a self-deprecating laugh leaves my lips. "Just peachy. You?"

"Yeah… swell." Something is off in the tone of his voice, enough to make me glance over. His usual easy smile seems more forced than usual.

"Everything okay?" I ask suspiciously.

He looks at Phoebe, who is sufficiently distracted watching Mia and Teddy across the room, then clears his throat and lowers his voice. "Let's just say, you're not the only one having marriage problems."

Whoa. "You and Kate?"

"It's just like, the light has gone out of it. It's like we don't even know each other anymore. I asked her if we could take a break… she ignored me for like a week, I felt like shit for springing it on her, then she came back around a couple days ago asking if we could try counseling."

"And?"

"And… I don't know."

"What don't you know? Do you love her?"

"Of course I love her. But I don't want either of us to be miserable."

"Take it from me. If you love her, don't shoot yourself in the foot. Maybe all you need is a tune-up."

"Jeez. I thought you didn't even like Kate. Honestly, that's part of the strain. I feel like you both constantly want to kill each other and I don't want to choose."

"I don't have to like her. I'm not married to her. Plus, we have a… newfound understanding. We both love Ana and we can agree on that."

He raises his eyebrows. "Damn. You've become wise in the last couple months. Okay, I'll give counseling a good think. How are things on the Ana front, anyway?"

"We're also going to begin counseling. We're talking about choosing one tonight, actually."

"Hey, that's great, man. Do you think… well, there were all those pictures of you guys making out. That seemed promising. Do you think there's any hope?"

"I refuse to consider the other option, so there has to be."

"Auntie Mia," Teddy whines, breaking through our conversation bubble. "Where's Mommy?"

"I don't know, honey," Mia says distractedly. "Christian, can you look around for her? We're running out of time."

Elliot gives me a shit-eating grin and slaps my shoulder. "Sounds like an ideal job for him, sis."

Gone is laid-back Mia. Hostess Mia is in the house. "Sure." I hand Phoebe over to Elliot, ignoring the excited nerves flowing through me just at the prospect of seeing Ana, and head upstairs to begin my search.

I note that the door to our bedroom looks as undisturbed as ever, so I don't bother to go in there, and I'm relieved that I don't have to. I don't think I can bear to see it like that again. I continue down the hall, peeking my head into doors, until finally I reach one of the more remote rooms and notice that the door is slightly ajar.

I push it open and see Ana sitting again the wall, with her legs pulled up to her chest, her arms wrapped around them, and her face hidden. She reacts to the sound of the door, her head snapping up, and I see tear tracks down her face.

"Ana? What's wrong?" I'm across the room in an instant, kneeling in front of her.

She laughs and shakes her head. "Nothing's wrong. I just can't believe he's five already. I've been wanting to cry all day, but I don't want to take away from his mood with my dramatics."

I'm instantly relieved that nothing is seriously wrong, and I sit against the wall next to her, wrapping an arm around her. "I know. I can't believe it myself. How has it been five years already?"

She sniffles and leans her head against my shoulder. The simple act makes my insides turn to mush and I'm surprised that I don't melt into the floor. Very smooth, Grey. "I love watching him grow up, but I wish time would slow down. Five sounds so much older than four, and now he's going to start kindergarten in the fall. I think I've been in denial up until today, honestly. My little baby."

I stroke up and down her arm and lean my head on top of hers. To my delight, she doesn't tense at all. "He'll always be our little baby. He's turned out to be quite the mama's boy."

"Oh please, he adores you. All day it's Daddy this, Daddy that." She sighs. "We got so lucky with him. I can't believe he gets to be ours."

"I wonder every day what the fuck I did to deserve both of them," I answer honestly. I finally take a look around the room. This used to be a generic guest room, but now it's covered in potted plants. "What is all this?"

She wipes her eyes and sits up. "Oh, Teddy and I started gardening last summer. He loves it. These are some new plants for us to add to the collection. I've been hiding them in here so he doesn't find them."

I plaster on a smile, but this revelation hits me like a ton of bricks. I had no idea that Teddy or Ana liked gardening, because this happened between them during the summer that I wasn't around. It feels like everywhere I turn, another reminder of my mistakes is on full display.

"We should get downstairs," she continues, seeming oblivious. "I can do guest-greeting duty if you want. There should be enough people to watch all the kids."

Nope, I'm here to be whatever you need me to be. Forever. If that means talking to shitty parents, sign me the fuck up. "I've got it. You stick to your original plan."

She gazes at me for a second, then gives me a half smile. "Okay. Don't say I didn't offer to save you. You're not exactly the most sociable, Mr. Grey."

I stand up and hold my hand out to her. "I am today, apparently," I mutter. She laughs, and I feel ten feet tall like I always do when I have anything to do with that sound. She takes my hand and hoists herself off the ground, then to my surprise, pulls me into a hug.

We don't say anything, I just hold her and my hand finds its way up to her hair. Stroking it seems to calm both of us. Finally, she pulls back and looks at me with a resigned smile. "Well, let's get this show on the road."

"Say bye, Teddy. Thank you for coming!" Ana waves pleasantly as the last car pulls away.

A few hours of screaming children and inane conversation with vapid parents later, that's a wrap on the party. The highlights of the day included Teddy being presented with his new plants and getting to witness the pure joy on his face, being instructed to sit next to him while he held my hand and blew out his candles, his first time trying his new car, though that tested the limits of my blood pressure, and now, as the parade of flirtatious mothers is leaving the premises.

"Come on, my darling, time to get ready for bed," Ana says softly.

"Can Daddy do it?" he asks, yawning.

She looks at me and I smile and shrug. "Yes." She says with a smile, kneeling down in front of him. "Happy birthday, sweetie. I hope you had a good day. I love you so much. Sleep tight, okay?"

He walks into her arms. "It was the best day, Mommy. I love you," he mumbles into her shoulder.

We make quick work of bath time, enjoy a few stories, and then he insists on saying goodnight to Phoebe as Ana is putting her to bed. Finally, he's tucked into his covers.

"Did you have a good birthday?" I ask him.

"Yes," he says sleepily. "Hey, Daddy?"

"Yes?"

He yawns and hugs his blanket to him. "I was hoping for my birthday that you and Mommy would live together again. Maybe when I turn six?"

I feel like I've been punched in the chest as he mumbles this into his covers. It takes me a few seconds to formulate a response. "I hope someday, sweetheart."

"You and Mommy used to smile and kiss each other all the time. And then it was just Mommy. Did you not like us anymore?"

The lump in my throat threatens to choke me. "I love all three of you so much. I felt like maybe you and Mommy and your sister would be better off if I went away for a while, but I was wrong. Sometimes mommies and daddies make mistakes, too. Can you forgive me?"

He blinks open his eyes and looks at me. "Yeah, it's okay, Daddy. We all really missed you, though. Please don't go away again."

I brush the curls off of his forehead and plant a kiss on it. "Never. I can't stay away from you. I missed you too much, it was no fun at all."

He sighs quietly. "Good. Love you, Daddy."

"I love you, Teddy bear." I'll show you every day of your life from now on. I wait until his breathing changes, signaling that he's asleep, and then slip out into the hallway. I make a stop in Phoebe's room to check on her, then go downstairs to find Ana.

She's sitting at the bar in the kitchen, flipping through her phone. She looks up when I walk in. "Are you okay?"

I must not be filtering my disturbance at the conversation I just had with Teddy very well. I debate blowing her off, but in the interest of communication and co-parenting, I decide to be honest. "Teddy has some interesting things to say."

She sets her phone down. "Like what?"

"He asked if when he turns six, you and I could live together again. And he asked if I was gone because I didn't like you all." My voice is small and there's a heavy undercurrent to it.

She holds out her hand, inviting me to come over, and takes mine when I sit on the stool next to her. "I get that, too… he's old enough that he remembers when we all lived together. He wants his family back." A tear spills over her cheek. "I wish we could give that to him. He deserves it."

"Ana… we can try, can't we?" I feel vulnerable, exposed.

She pointedly avoids my gaze, looking at our intertwined hands. "Did Flynn give you a list?"

It's impossible not to notice her avoidance of the question, which gives me a sinking feeling in my gut. "Yes."

"Mine, too. Let's compare?" I pull mine out of my pocket and she gets up and exits the room, returning with a slip of paper.

We slide the papers side by side and glance over the names. There's only one in common. "Eric Hughes."

She nods slowly. "What do you think?"

"I can have Andrea get us in with him, if you're ready." Please be ready.

She finally meets my eyes. Hers are clear, but guarded. "I'm ready." She takes in a slow breath, looking down again. "I do want to try… but…"

"This is enough, Ana." I wipe away the tears with my thumb. Truly, the fact that we're doing this together at all is more than I dared to hope for. "It's enough. I love you."

She looks up at me again and the walls have dropped. Her eyes are glassy with tears. "I love you, too. No matter how this ends. That will always be true."

We lean against each other, side by side, almost unconsciously. Her scent and her warmth overwhelms my senses, feeling like home as it always does. The future is uncertain, but for now, this is enough.

A/N: Vaccine #2 was no joke. I got alllll the side effects. But I finally feel like a human again. Let me know your thoughts on this chapter!

Also, I can't believe I forgot to say this, but I heard that this story got a WIP honor in the Facebook groups. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! I love that we're on this journey together!