According to my friend this chapter contains the saddest thing I've ever written in this fanfic which is kind of a surprise after 80k.

It was so fucking cold when Louie opened his eyes. Of fucking course. He was falling again.

"Alright BITCH what else do I have to lose? I GET IT! Everything is temporary! Boyd is breakable and I can't cope without him- you took my husband, my sobriety, my sanity. What else do I have to lose?"

"Yourself." He hung right over the water, the fate he'd been hurtling toward all this time was finally here and he only saw his own face reflected back at him. Beautiful. Cruel.

"What do you want?" Louie asked.

"What do you want?" Mirror Louie responded.

"I want Boyd," Louie said instantly.

"It's been a day, pathetic. You're pathetic."

"So I have nothing left to lose," Louie said, "because I'm already nothing without him. So come on. Let me fall."

"Why do you love death more than death do us part?" The water taunted, the image changing to Boyd's.

"Why can't you fucking take care of yourself, Louie?" His husband demanded, "That's all you had to do and you're here. You're falling."

"No," Louie sobbed, "You were supposed to catch me."

"You don't even want to be caught. If you loved me you wouldn't be falling. If you loved me you wouldn't be failing."

"No, no, no, I'm sorry, Boyd, I'm sorry-" And then he hit water. Or rather, water hit him.

Louie was shivering, Gyro standing over him with a now empty cup in his hand.

"You were scaring the cat," Gyro said, matter-of-fact.

"I'm sorry," Louie muttered, barely taking the time to wipe the water off his face before he was grabbing a robe and heading out onto the front porch. A little too late in the morning for a sunrise, it was probably closer to lunchtime. The perfect time for a smoke.

"Smoking is bad for the baby," Gyro said, coming and sitting next to Louie.

In a moment of complete confusion and distress, Louie glanced down at his stomach, "What baby?"

"You. Look at this." Gyro didn't make Louie extinguish the cigarette but he did roughly shove a pad of sketch paper. Louie stared down at the paper and blinked back tears. It was a sketch of the Jailbird. Like the one who had broken his husband.

Louie sighed, "Yep. This is our perp."

"No, this is our plan. You said it to Huey, you think this was targeted, well it probably was. Superheroes and supervillains just make everything a thousand times more difficult, things happen for a reason in this business. But I was in your office-" Louie wasn't even surprised, "-and I saw your beta armor. Do you want to upgrade?"

"Do I want to… What are you talking about?"

"I know a responsible adult would tell you not to get vigilante justice for Boyd."

"But?"

"But I'm not a responsible adult."

"Okay," Louie agreed, "Let's fuck shit up."

Dewey dropped by around dinner with some food, looking concerned.

"Hey, bro, have you eaten today?"

"I ate breakfast. I took my pills. I drank water. Anything else?"

"Have you stopped to breathe?" Dewey asked.

"I'm breathing," Louie said, "And I'll eat your lasagna or whatever."

Dewey sighed, "I know you, Louie. When you get overwhelmed you don't tend to slow down and take care of yourself." Louie flinched.

Why can't you fucking take care of yourself, Louie? That's all you had to do.

Louie hugged himself, "I'm fine, Dewey. Thanks for the food, and for checking in. I love you. Say hi to the turtles, okay? Tell them I love them."

Dewey looked heartbroken. He remembered the version of Louie who wouldn't even open the door to let people in, who ended every conversation with I love you not because he couldn't keep the words to himself but because he didn't know if there would be another chance to say it. He looked at Louie now and he saw the husk of a man who had begun believing once more that any day could be his last.

"Hey, Louie? It's going to get better. It's going to be okay."

"Okay," Louie agreed numbly, taking the lasagna and forcing the door closed on his brother.

"How soon do you think you can have those upgrades done?" Louie asked.

"A couple of days? We'll need to do testing, come up with a plan of attack… Do you have any leads?"

"Not yet, but I know where to look."

Louie didn't sleep that night, making a nest in his office out of old files, following his own paper trail on everyone who had ever worked on the Jailbird Initiative. Scientists and Jailbirds alike, anyone could be behind the attack. He managed to narrow down the list however, that guy was dead, that guy was critically injured, imprisoned, had a semi-stable job as a barber, imprisoned, another death-

Okay. So that left mostly scientists. And the one that had the most firepower, the likeliest candidate for being able to bring Jailbird back to life bigger and better than ever?

Satoshi Kojima. Brilliant scientist with military training. One of Louie's best who was unable to adapt Louie's new alignment (chaotic good instead of neutral evil). Louie seemed to remember screaming as Satoshi was dragged from the premises. Oh gods. Louie had fired a man whose wife just died instead of like, getting him therapy.

"I'm fucked up," Louie announced to Gyro, emerging from the office with no idea what time it was. He knew he'd been eating breakfast and taking his pills in the order they'd been showing up in his little pillbox but he really didn't keep track of time past that. The little pill box said it had been four days since Boyd was injured. Louie hadn't really slept for three of them, only comforted by the fact that Boyd would be awake in his arms again soon.

"Yeah, you are." He hadn't expected to see Huey there, essentially glowering at him.

Louie looked between Gyro and Huey and then walked out the door, lighting up on the front porch. Huey followed him out.

"I thought you quit smoking. I thought you said you could quit any time."

"Maybe I lied about quitting," Louie said, "Maybe I lied about being able to do anything without Boyd."

"Oh no, no, no." Huey's eyes were red, "We're not doing that, buddy. You're not going to blame your addiction on Boyd; he didn't make you start smoking in high school."

"I'm not addicted. I'm fine," Louie said, crushing the cigarette and burning his hand.

Huey scoffed, "You look like you haven't slept in days, Louie. You look like the only thing keeping you going is nicotine and self-loathing."

"So I'm a failure! Why are you surprised?"

Huey looked even more frustrated, "You always do this, Louie! Any time something bad happens you retreat to the conclusion that it must be your fault, that you're a bad person, and that the gods are trying to punish you. Sometimes bad things happen. Have you ever considered that you just need help? That you haven't failed, just relapsed? You're not as worthless as you think you are and I won't watch you destroy yourself because you've put all your self-worth into another person again." Huey was saying all of these things in a very angry way so it took Louie a minute for the words to sink in.

"Did you just come here to yell at me?" Louie asked, blinking away tears.

"No, I came here to yell at Gyro for trying to bring Jailbird back online, I thought you were in therapy right now."

"I didn't go."

"Obviously."

"We'll take your critiques into consideration. I'll see you later, Hue. Thanks for the wake-up call." He tossed Huey his half-empty pack of cigarettes, he had another in his drawer, and went inside.

That night when he dreamed Huey's voice was added to the chorus of people calling him pathetic. The loudest was still his own.

"Are you ready?" Gyro asked, two days later.

"Mm."

"Are you awake?" Gyro asked.

"Yeah, no, I'm fine. I had coffee this morning."

Gyro paused, "That's not really… Nevermind. Just try it on."

Louie shimmied the Jailbird armor over his clothes, "It's a little tight-"

"Not my fault, I just adapted what was already there." Louie frowned, not liking that his old clothes were tight. You couldn't have shit in Duckburg.

"It's a little heavy," Louie added.

"Do you want to protect yourself from this toddler on a power trip or not?" Gyro asked.

"Right. I can handle this."

"Raise your hand," Gyro said, holding his own hand out in front of him in a fist, "Now open your fist, and that's how you'd trigger the weapon system if it was online right now."

"But can't this dude absorb and redirect energy?"

"Mm, I thought about that. So, reinforcements. You should be able to take a beating in this one."

"Great," Louie said, thinking about his family and how excited they would be to find out that Louie could now take a beating.

"Can I make a suggestion?" Louie asked.

"I suppose."

"Can you build in a holster for a gun?"

"You have a fully operational weapons system now."

"Right, and when that fails, I'll have a gun."

"Why do you think my tech will fail?" Gyro asked, crossing his arms.

Louie glanced toward the dining room where Boyd had been shut down for almost a week, "I just know how to shoot a gun, Gyro. I want to make sure I have backup if I need it."

Gyro looked down, "I can do that. But I've been thinking, as well, maybe you should have backup. Maybe we should call in another hero before we charge in, guns blazing."

"No, no one else in this family is going to get hurt on behalf of me," Louie said.

Gyro opened his mouth to protest and then changed his mind, "I just have a few more upgrades to make, then. I'll add a holster."

"Thanks, Gyro. I'll do whatever I need to. I'll make this okay."

Louie took off the armor and Gyro took over again, Louie going into the bathroom to wash his face. He didn't recognize his own damn face in the mirror and- that was a relief, actually. His nightmares had been so heavy lately, familiar faces taunting him, pulling him apart. His friends and siblings and husband all piling up pressure on top of him. He gripped the counter, the voices in his head freaking the fuck out. He felt a little dizzy, exhausted, and frustrated.

"Louie?" Gyro knocked on the door.

"I'm fine."

"Uh-huh, didn't ask. Boyd's awake."