Chapter 36

June 1, 1996 - June 2, 1996

Eric was sitting up against the headboard and Sookie was straddling him, riding his dick. She was so hot and wet, and she smelled absolutely incredible. He was sucking on her nipples, and she was moaning his name and grinding her clit on his pubic bone as she rocked against him. He was getting close to cumming, but he didn't want it to be over too quickly. He licked her neck, and then sucked hard on the pulse point.

"Bite me, Eric. I want to bite you, too."

Her sweet blood filled his mouth, and it had been so long since he'd tasted her. It was even more delicious than he remembered. She bit his shoulder, and he came.

He grabbed a couple of Kleenex off the bedside table and got himself cleaned up a little. He thought about another shower, but he'd already had one that day, and if he showered every time he jerked off, he would almost never get out. Plus, he always jerked off in the shower, too.

He opened her end of the bond, and his cock was immediately hard again. She was so fucking horny, and was getting close to cumming, too. And he had no way to know if she was with someone or alone. And if she was alone, was she fantasizing about him the way he always did about her?

He knew he needed to close the bond. How mad she would be if she knew. But he missed her so much, and he missed feeling her arousal all mixed up with his. This was the closest he'd come to having sex in a couple of months. He promised himself (and her) that he wouldn't touch himself until the bond was closed. But when she came, so did he. He was so ashamed of himself, he couldn't even get it up to be jealous. He didn't really believe she was with anyone else, anyway, and he would not fly off the handle after making another assumption. He would try to find out from Pam. And he decided that he needed another shower after all.

…

Sookie got out of the shower feeling pretty much as frustrated as she had before she got in. She missed Eric, and it was getting worse with time rather than better. The more time that went by, the less angry she was, and the more she wanted to be with him again. She felt like a goddamn fool. But if this wasn't enough to make her fall out of love with him, then what would? She hoped that she didn't ever have to find out.

She had been having more and more fantasies about him. She told herself that it she was just hormonal, and that she thought of him because he was the only one she'd had sex with, but she knew that was just bullshit. She wanted him. She'd only had sex for a short period of time, but it was a whole lot of really good sex. And, if she were being honest with herself, she wanted more of it. A lot more. With Eric.

And she didn't want to do this all alone anymore. She missed Pam, and even Godric. None of her friends had babies, and they just had nothing in common anymore. She and Gran still weren't the same. She just couldn't let it go that Gran had to be hypnotized to stop being ashamed of her. And she kind of felt like a burden besides. Basically, it was just her and Leif, all the time. She was so lonely. And Eric was the best friend she'd ever had, other than Pam. They had so much history together. And it hurt so much to lose him. And if she forgave him, she would have them both back.

She was also so tired. She tried to ask for as little help as possible from Gran; she had raised her own babies, and then her grandbabies, too. What Sookie could really use was a partner. Someone else to tag in, especially through the night. It wasn't like he'd be losing any sleep.

But she was still so upset that he'd done that to her. Hurt her in such a personal way, out of spite. It felt like he'd torn her heart out at the time, and it still hadn't recovered. The anger had bled away, but the sadness and disappointment and the real physical pain of his betrayal were still there. And she still sometimes saw him with Dawn in her head when she closed her eyes.

But she also sometimes saw herself with him. And he was kind and gentle and caring and he loved her. So much. She had felt it, and she wanted to feel it again.

Pam had mentioned that tensions were high between Eric and Bill for some reason, and had asked if they could have the visitation here instead starting tomorrow. She'd said yes, in a moment of weakness. Even though she knew that Pam was trying to get them back together.

Part of her wanted to get in the same room with him again. She thought that would help her to know for sure. The rest of her thought that that was just an excuse to see him and lose her resolve and forgive him so that she could have him back. Her head was so messed up and she hated it and wished so hard that they could go back to the way things were before, when she didn't know what he was capable of. And she really hated that she had just gotten off to a fantasy about them having sex tomorrow night.

…

When they pulled into Sookie's driveway instead of Compton's the next night, Eric froze. "What are we doing here?"

"Things weren't working out with Bill. Sookie has offered her house as an alternative. You will be on your best behaviour."

Eric swallowed. "Of course."

He was freaking out inside. And without thinking, he opened the bond to see how she felt, and immediately felt like a complete dick. But he thought there was a little anticipation mixed in with all of that trepidation.

Pam said, "Eric, if you do anything to make her uncomfortable, I will eat you alive. Do not corner her or follow her around or try to make her talk to you if she doesn't want to. Use your goddamn manners."

He nodded. He didn't know if he'd be able to talk anyway. He wanted to kill Godric for not giving him a chance to prepare, but he was kind of grateful at the same time. He would have worried about it and dreaded it and driven himself (and Pam) crazy. He hoped he looked ok. He smoothed his hair back with his hands. It was in a ponytail and he kind of wished he'd worn it down, even if it fell into the baby's face.

Sookie opened the door and walked out onto the porch. No point in pretending to be nonchalant around vampires when she was shaking and her heart was beating a million miles a minute. No to mention the bond she was sure he opened sometimes. And, if she were being honest with herself, she knew that she'd do it, too, if she had the chance.

She crossed her arms tight over her chest. She was scared to death that she would say or do something stupid. And even more scared that he would. She didn't think she could take it if he did. This was such a terrible idea. She never should have agreed to it, but it was too late now.

And when he got out of the car and their eyes met, she had to make herself stay put and not run to him. And she remembered not quite a year ago, jumping into his arms on this very porch. She'd held on tight and he'd spun her around, and she had been perfectly happy. The night everything had changed. She hadn't really been truly happy since.

He just stood there and looked at her. Finally, she had to look away, and he followed Godric and Pam up onto the porch. Pam kissed her cheek and went inside, and Godric did the same. Eric stopped in front of her and she looked up at him.

"Leif is inside. It's nice to see you, Eric."

"It's so good to see you, too. I want you to know how sorry I am."

She cut him off before he could say anything else. "I know. I'm not ready to talk about that. I didn't rescind your invitation. Go on in and see your son."

"Thank you. And thank you for doing this."

He leaned down to kiss her cheek, like Godric and Pam had, but she pulled away and tightened her arms. He straightened back up and went inside. A minute or two later, after she'd gotten herself back under control, she followed him.

When she got into the living room, Eric was sitting with Pam on the couch holding Leif. It hurt far more than she had expected it to. A physical reminder of just exactly how much she had lost. And how incredibly hurt she still was. Her eyes filled with tears and she excused herself and went right back outside again. She headed for the cemetery.

She hadn't sat in her spot against her parents' gravestone in months. Not since Eric was taken by Godric. She wrapped her arms around her knees and let herself cry. Those two weeks she'd spent with Eric had been kind of both the best and worst days of her life. They had fundamentally changed her, maybe almost as much as they had changed Eric.

At least now she knew. There was no way she could just move forward with him. Not yet, anyway. It still hurt way too much to just let it go. Unfortunately, it also hurt too much to let him go. And she couldn't keep him from his son. She felt like she was pretty much doomed to be miserable for the rest of her life, unable to move forward with him or without him. Seeing him all the time, and hating both him and herself. But loving him, too. And, even if she did get over what he did eventually, she knew that he wasn't going to be able to wait for her forever. But maybe that was for the best. Maybe she would be able to let him go if he let her go first.

She felt a void coming from the direction of her house, and she hoped it was Pam. She wasn't really up to talking to Godric, and she didn't think she'd be able to take seeing Eric again just yet.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to disturb you. I was just out for a walk."

She sniffled and wiped her eyes with the backs of her hands, trying to get herself under control a little bit. "That's ok, Bill. It's a free country and a public place."

He leaned up against his own headstone, and she felt a pang. She had always thought of that as Eric's. But she supposed that Bill had more of a claim to it. His name was on it, after all.

He asked, "Are you alright? Is there anything I can do to help?"

"No. You have already been a big help, letting Eric see Leif at your house. I know it meant a lot to him to have a chance to see his son. It meant a lot to me, too, so thank you."

"I don't mean to intrude, but you've had a change of heart about using your home for the visits. Are you and Eric getting back together?"

She shrugged. "I'm really not sure. I hope so, someday, but I guess we're just going to have to wait and see how things go."

"If it doesn't work out, I would like very much to take you out on a date. No expectations."

She tensed up. Her baby was barely two months old, and she was very obviously just crying over Eric. Maybe Bill thought himself charming, but his timing was for shit. And he was really old. She thought it was creepy when regular middle-aged men hit on her, let alone ones who looked middle-aged but had been born a good 80 years before her grandmother. The temperature of her voice went down several degrees.

"I'm sorry, Bill, but I am a long way from moving on. My priority is my son right now, and it will be for quite some time."

His voice had cooled a little as well. "I have all the time in the world. If you change your mind, you know where to find me. I hope your evening improves."

He straightened up and kept walking toward his house. She followed his void until it was out of range.

A couple of minutes later, she said, "The coast is clear. You can come out now."

Pam walked into view with a mischievous grin on her face.

"Cut it out. It isn't funny."

"Well, it's at least a little funny."

"He's creepy, Pam. Creepy and old."

Pam pretended to be offended. "He's younger than I am!"

"Well, he looks old, too. How much did you hear?"

"I heard the part about you wanting to get back together with Eric."

Sookie sighed. "I said I hope so. And I do. But I'm a long way from ready, and I might not ever be. He hurt me too much, Pam. I can't even look at him without seeing him with Dawn or all of those girls."

"He is incredibly sorry, Sookie. About all of it. He knows how selfish he's been. He wanted so badly to follow you tonight, but he stayed put. He is determined to put your needs and Leif's before his own."

"Well, I guess better late than never. But I hear people's thoughts all the time, Pam. Abusers will say anything to get their way. And sometimes they'll even stick to their word for a little while. But all the pretty talk in the world doesn't mean a whole lot when they just go right back to beating their wives and kids the next time they get drunk. Mama sure as hell promised me she'd never hurt me again at least a dozen times. But she slapped me across the face while I still had a cast on my arm from when she broke it so bad I needed surgery. She probably would have done more, but she died before I got my cast off.

"I don't think Eric would hit me, although he did grab my arm and bruise me after he was turned. And that was over a misunderstanding, too. And he sure as hell hurt me with Hadley and Dawn. I would feel like the world's biggest fool if I took him back and he did some other terrible thing in anger. What if he decided that the best way to hurt me is through Leif? I would never have thought him capable of such a thing, but God knows I didn't think him capable of what he's already done."

"He isn't just paying lip service. And Godric would never let him make promises he didn't keep."

"I don't need Godric punishing him for being a bad boyfriend and father. I need Eric to be a better person, even if he isn't really a person any longer."

"He already is better, Sookie. He's been a pain in my ass, but he has been committed to doing the right thing. And not just because he thinks it will win you back."

"I want to forgive him, Pam. I want to move past this so much. But I don't know how I'm going to be able to do it."

"He has grown so much. He has been completely devoted to you and Leif for weeks."

"I have been completely devoted to him for years. I've never even kissed anyone else. He didn't regret doing what he did until he found out that I was innocent. It didn't even occur to him that it might not be true, even though I've never wanted anyone but him. He thought that I deserved to be punished for cheating on him, all while he was having a 9 month long sex party."

"You need more time."

"Yes. And space. And I don't know how much of either one."

"Let's go back. His time is almost up. We can sit on the swing, if you like."

When the door opened a few minutes later, Sookie's stomach clenched. Godric came out first, followed by Eric, holding the baby. He leaned down to place Leif into her arms, and his face brushed her hair and she heard him inhale.

She was sure he had done it on purpose, holding onto the baby so that he could get close enough to touch her. Just like she'd left the baby in the bassinet when they'd arrived so she could keep her distance. Touching him again hurt. And as much as she hated herself for it, she leaned into his touch a little, under the guise of a safe transition. And she sniffed him, too.

She had to swallow twice before she could talk. "I guess I'll see you next week."

"Yeah." He stroked the baby's cheek with this thumb. "Bye, Leif."

He looked up and met Sookie's eyes, and he had hope for the first time in months. Maybe since December. She wasn't closed off. There was a softness there. At the same time, it killed him to see her so sad and hurt.

He wanted badly to touch her again, but he knew it would be a mistake. It was really hard not to give in to his urges - and he had so many of them when it came to her - but it was getting easier to keep his rational side in control. So he didn't stroke her cheek, too, or even apologize again. He just gave her a half smile and said that he'd see her soon. And when she looked relieved, he knew it was the right decision. She even smiled back, a little.

On the way home, Pam said, "You owe me, kid. I said way more nice things about you than I'm comfortable with."

"Pamela. I told you not to meddle." But Godric didn't sound mad at all.

Eric closed his eyes and opened Sookie's end of the bond. She felt a little sad and a whole lot confused. He figured that was better than the other way around. The rest was just too mixed up to make any sense of. But she wasn't feeling hate, or even much anger.

Later that night, when he finally got some time alone again, he thought about sitting on Sookie's couch. The smell of her clung to everything in the room. He could still smell sex on the cushions. He remembered wanting to kiss her on that couch when they'd watched scary movies together dozens of times over the years, but he didn't because she was way too young. He remembered her sucking his cock there, looking up at him, staring him right in the eyes as she gave him the best blow job of his life. Even though she couldn't even say blow job without blushing. He remembered sucking on her clit there, and then taking her hard from behind. He remembered her telling him she loved him there and he stroked himself to completion.