A/N: TW: Suicide.

Ok, so full disclosure. I have some personal experiences with suicide. A close family member had several serious attempts when I was a kid. And many years later I attempted it myself while going through a major crisis. I barely survived and it took me a long time to recover. Today I'm healthy and happy.

I worked really hard on this chapter because I wanted to do it justice. It's a terrible, awful and terrifying place to be, both as a loved one and for the person going through it.

I did use some of my own emotional experiences to write this, while still trying to avoid too much OOC. So please be respectful and kind in your reviews.

I'd also like to add that if you're struggling with dark and painful thoughts: Things WILL get better. And it's ALWAYS better to ask for help than to go through it alone. You are NOT a burden.

And if you have ever lost someone to suicide: It was NOT your fault and there wasn't anything you could've done. I know it really doesn't feel like that, and it can take a long time for those feelings to go away. Please talk to someone if you're struggling with this, or any other kind of pain.

Ok, back to the story.

These five songs were on repeat while writing this chapter:

Anouk - Lost

A Great Big World - Say Something

Coldplay - Fix You

Freya Ridings - Lost Without You

Calum Scott - You Are The Reason

It was the way she didn't eat like before. Never emptying her plate, never saying she was hungry, or full. She didn't want to go out to eat anymore, and more often than not, she skipped both breakfast and lunch.

It was the way she overslept three times in two weeks. After decades of almost always being on time, up and ready to go. Even in the aftermath of Lewis when the nightmares haunted her almost every night.

It was the way she moved, more slowly, almost like she was carrying something heavy. She had stopped moving her hands around when she talked. The sometimes playful, sometimes stressful fidgeting was gone.

It was the way she suddenly struggled to reach climax when they were in bed together. The few times they actually had sex. Her body would react to Amanda's touch, but at a certain point it was like she gave up, and it usually ended with a short kiss and a "guess I'm just too tired".

It was the way she would buy her morning coffee, but barely touch it. An avid coffee drinker for years, completely addicted to her multiple hits of caffeine in the morning to get her started. Now the cup would stand on her desk, cold and still full at 1 pm.

It was the way she would fall asleep on the couch, even with the living room bustling with energized kids. And too tired to move herself from the couch to the bed when it was getting late. Ending with Amanda placing a blanket over her, run her fingers through her hair a few times before she went to bed alone.

It was the way she would offer to give Frannie a short walk, only to be gone for more than two hours. No music on her ears, and sometimes not at all dressed for whatever weather New York City was giving them that day. Sometimes her lips would have a shade of blue to them when she finally locked herself in.

It was the way her smile never reached her eyes anymore. That bright, beautiful smile that caught the attention of anyone who got the privilege to see it. It was gone. Somehow, the few times she did smile, it only made her look even more sad.

And tired.

She had looked tired for months.

Amanda had seen it, but she hadn't been able to fully understand or acknowledge it. She had been too scared, or too stubborn. She wanted, needed them to be ok. She had told herself over and over again that Olivia was dealing with it. She was still in therapy. She was working again. She was alive.

How… how could I miss this? Why didn't I realize just how close she was to her breaking point?

"Come on, Liv. Pick up the goddamn phone." Amanda muttered under her breath as her grip on the steering wheel tightened.

She had no logical reason for knowing that Olivia had gone to the cabin. But that's where she was headed because it was the only place she could think of.

She should've called someone. Told someone to get there faster than she could. But for some reason she didn't.

It has to be me.

If Olivia was already dead, Amanda needed to be the one to find her. If she was still alive, she needed to be the one to keep her alive.

It didn't make any sense, and yet somehow, it kinda did.

When she finally pulled up to the house it didn't have the warm and welcoming feel to it that she had come to love. The cabin looked hostile and threatening. Like it hadn't seen any life for years.

But Olivia's car was parked outside.

The slightest hint of cautious hope made its way into Amanda's pounding chest.

She has to be inside. There's no plan B if she's not.

Amanda breathed a quick sigh of relief when the door opened without resistance.

She's here.

"Liv?"

She didn't notice her at first, the room was so dark she could barely make out the furniture. She fumbled around for a switch and only when the room was partly lit up by the lamp next to the couch, did she see her, sitting at the end of the dining table.

Alive.

She's alive.

"Liv?"

Amanda moved carefully towards her, noticing the nearly empty glass of red wine placed in front of her. And what looked like a small pile of envelopes. Letters.

Goodbyes.

"Liv, look at me."

But she didn't. Olivia kept her head lowered and her eyes trained on her lap, where the detective instinctively knew she was holding her gun.

"You need to leave." Her voice was surprisingly steady. It did nothing to calm Amanda's nerves.

"No, I can't. You know that."

"Amanda, please."

"Why? Because you're gonna kill yourself and you don't want to traumatize me by making me watch?"

She didn't answer at first, just kept looking down at her hands.

And the gun.

"Yes." It was barely a whisper but Amanda felt like Olivia was screaming it to her face.

"Put the gun on the table, Liv."

"Can't do that."

"Why?"

No answer.

"Please, just talk to me. I'm here. I'm here and I'm not leaving."

"I don't want you here!" She looked up then and for a moment Amanda forgot to breathe. Her usually brown and kind eyes, so full of life, were almost black, and completely lifeless.

"Well, I'm afraid you're stuck with me now." Amanda said, ignoring the way Olivia's stare made her feel terrified and sick to her stomach. She carefully pulled out a chair on the other side of the table and sat down across from her.

"Talk, Liv. That's all I'm asking you to do."

Amanda's heart shattered when she saw a single tear run down Olivia's cheek.

"I want you to take care of Noah. And I want you to take the sergeant's exam. And I want you to tell the kids that I loved them, more than anything. Like I loved you."

Loved. Not love. She's talking like she's already dead.

"I know your reasons for moving to New York might've been painful, but I'm so happy you did. I'm so happy I met you."

"Liv..."

"You did everything right, Amanda. Do you hear me? None of this is your fault. This is just... I can't do it anymore."

"But I'm here!" Amanda yelled as she slammed her flat hands against the table, her voice suddenly full of desperation. "I'm here and I'll be here and I'll do whatever it takes. What about Noah, huh? And the girls? What. About. ME?!" Her voice cracked and she was trembling with fear, rage, and a pain she couldn't compare to anything she had ever felt before.

"I'm sorry."

"Then don't do it! Don't leave me. Don't leave us! You have to fight this, Liv. I know you can. I know you."

"I can't! I can't do it anymore, Amanda!" Olivia cried her words out as one hand came up and landed on her chest. "It hurts. It always hurts."

Amanda got up from her chair and walked a few steps closer to the brunette. She just wanted to pull her into her arms. Make it all stop.

"I know. I know that it hurts. You've been through more than anyone should ever have to go through. And you're exhausted, I get it. I see it."

"Then let me go."

"No." The blonde shook her head. "That's the one thing I can't do."

"Please. I'm so tired."

"Then... Then sleep! Rest! If you wanna lie in bed all day for the rest of your life, do that. No one would blame you, least of all me. But I need you alive, Liv. The kids need you alive."

"Why?"

"Why?" The detective through her arms out and she sounded like Olivia had just asked a question with a million obvious answers.

"Why do you need me to live when I... I can't even take care of myself anymore."

"Because I love you!" Amanda cried as she stepped a little closer. "Because you're the woman I'm gonna spend the rest of my life with, no matter what kind of life it'll be. Because Noah, Jesse and Billie needs their mom."

She wiped away her tears and sat down on the chair next to Olivia. Almost close enough to grab the gun.

"Because you... only you can read to the kids and get so into it you sound like you're in a goddamn play. You shake your head like you're angry instead of scrunching your nose like a normal person when you eat something you don't like. You have really weird taste in music, and great taste in art. You give the best massages, and you're really, really funny when you've had two glasses of wine and your humor gets all dark and twisted. You made us camp in the living room for three freakin' days because the kids didn't want to sleep in their beds. Because you always smell like you just stepped out of the shower, even after a ten hour work day. And even through one of the worst years of my life, you've made me happier than I've ever been. No one else could've done that. No one."

"What if I can't do any of that anymore?"

"As long as you're alive. I don't care. I don't care, Liv. Not if you're still here. I need you to be here. Don't go. Don't leave me."

They were both crying now.

"Amanda..."

"I won't let you. I can't. I just can't. Don't do this to me. I promise, promise, that things will get better. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you'll get through this, Liv. Trust me. Please, trust me."

As she kept talking, she slowly moved her hand under the table. Olivia lowered her head again and watched as Amanda's hand came closer to the gun in her lap.

"Look at me, Liv. Just look at me."

And then, with their eyes locked again, while holding her breath, her hand wrapped around the gun and she pulled her arm back, dropped the gun to the floor and kicked it across the floor.

Olivia kept staring at her, with tired eyes at first, but then her eyes widened with what looked like shock or disbelief.

It looked like she was gasping for air, but she didn't make a sound.

"I'm gonna be sick."

"Ok, ok, come here." She grabbed her arm and practically lifted her up from the chair. They barely made it to the kitchen sink before red wine came pouring out from Olivia's mouth and nose.

Amanda held her hair and rubbed the small of her back while resting her forehead against her shoulder. "It's ok. Just let it out."

"I'm sorry." Olivia said in between gasps and what had now turned into an uncomfortable string of dry heaves.

"You have nothing to be sorry about. You're in pain. Unimaginable pain. And I'm here."

And then, Olivia cried. Louder and more violently then she had ever cried. With vomit in her hair and on her sweater, she slumped down on the floor with Amanda's arms wrapped around her.

"I'm here."

At first, Olivia was rigid and tense in Amanda's arms, the pain in her body leaving her through loud and heart wrenching sobs. But eventually the blonde could feel how she slowly and gradually let herself relax against her, and the sobs turned into short gasps and after a while, just heavy and uneven breaths.

"You still with me?" Amanda asked when the brunette became almost completely silent in her embrace.

"Mhm."

"Tell me what you need. We can sit here, drive around, take a shower, whatever you need."

"Shower."

"Ok. Let's get up."

"Wait, can you get me some water first?"

She wants to shower and she's asking for water. Ok. She's alive. For now.

When they were both undressed and inside the shower, Amanda gently wrapped her arms around her waist and for several minutes they just stood under the hot running water.

"What happens now?" Olivia asked suddenly and she sounded so uncharacteristically childlike.

Always in charge, in control, always having an answer.

What happens now.

It was a testament to the simple fact that Olivia had hit her rock bottom, and Amanda found that it almost felt like a relief. A bittersweet, long awaited relief.

"Whatever you need."

"I'm leaving SVU." The words came out slowly and it sounded almost like she was confused by her own admission.

"I know." Amanda said with a gentle voice.

Because she did. If she was being honest with herself, she had known for a long time. Seen it in her tired eyes when Tucker died, when covid hit, when Elliot came back, when they were flying home from Rome, and especially after what happened with Wheatley.

Olivia Benson was done with SVU.

"Amanda?"

"Hm?"

"Can I ask you something?"

"You can ask me anything." Amanda said before kissing her shoulder.

"Do you still want to marry me?"

It was almost as painful as seeing her sitting at the dining table with a gun in her lap. Almost as painful as reading that note on the bed.

She grabbed Olivia's arms and turned her around.

"Yes." Her grip on the brunette's arms tightened. "Yes, Olivia. Of course."

"But I... How could you want to after-"

"Sickness and health, isn't that what they say when people get married? I'm not going anywhere just because you're in pain. I'm not going anywhere. Ok?"

"Ok."

"Ok."

An hour later, Olivia was sleeping on the couch with her legs in Amanda's lap.

The blonde kept moving her eyes from her girlfriend to the gun on the floor.

"Just don't look at it." Amanda had said when they walked into the living room. "I'll take care of it." And now that Olivia was finally asleep she had some cleaning up to do.

First, she grabbed the gun, walked outside, removed the bullets and placed it in Jesse's backpack before locking the car. It was a terrible place to hide it, and she made a mental note to buy Jesse a new backpack when they got back to the city.

But it won't be the first place she looks. If, God forbid, anything happens.

Then, standing on the deck where she could keep an eye on Olivia, still asleep on the couch, she called Sienna.

"Sienna, hey, did I wake you?"

"No, I've been so worried. Is everything ok?"

"For now. Listen, I'm up at the cabin, the one in Piseco. I'm here with Liv and she... She's sick."

"Do you need me to call anyone?"

"No, but can you get the kids to school in the morning and then I'll ask Carisi to pick them up. I don't think we can leave for a while."

"How bad is it?"

Amanda sensed that Sienna understood. That she knew that Olivia wasn't just sick with the flu or a stomach bug.

"Bad. But she's sleeping now, she's safe. And look, the kids... They've been through so much and I don't want them to worry. Just tell them we had to work. I know it's terrible to have to pretend everything is fine, but-"

"Amanda, I get it. Don't worry."

"I don't tell you often enough how much I appreciate you. We both do. Really."

After hanging up she looked down at the background photo on her phone. Olivia, the kids and Frannie, all covered in mud, grinning from ear to ear, standing right where she was standing now.

There had been so much life that day. So much uninterrupted happiness. Even with everything being so new and a little scary, it still felt like that was the first time she had gotten a sense of what it meant to have a real family.

To be surrounded by people who loved you unconditionally.

And as she looked at the picture and the smile on Olivia's face, she realized that she must've felt the same way. If only for a moment.

She raised her head and looked through the glass. Her eyes locked on the sleeping woman.

You'll smile like that again, Liv. I promise.

A/N: Phew. I hope everyone is ok.