During Volume 13 Chapter 8

In hindsight, I was irrationally calm.

Diligent workers, the backing of Hayama Hayato, I told myself, what more could I ask for?

Yet, the cheerfulness that Isshiki exhibited would constantly be spoiled by her strained smile.

Every minute counted, and crucial seconds were devoted to overcome the obstacle before us. Unsurprisingly, however, the opposing side would hardly budge, even as preparations accumulated sky-high.

The thought of needing to abandon everything at this point furrowed our brows.

Yet, standing alone from everyone else, I remained calm.

I was not a gifted, charismatic leader trying to be a good example to her followers. I did not have a backup plan in my deck.

It was because I ended up trusting that he would do it.

The crucial factor that I lacked, and neglecting it in favour of nourishing the meat of the prom, that decision was almost unconscious.

We were competing. I could barely imagine what he would be trying to do. Yet, that was no barrier. Once again, I held the most twisted form of faith.

It was something that I thought might happen, even though I had tried to prevent it. That's why the result would have been the same in either case.

Yes, such a conclusion was guaranteed. I was sure of it. Perhaps that was why I was irrationally calm.

Regardless of my actions, all had fallen into my hands. That was what he had wanted.

I was able to finally end everything.

I received a mail from Isshiki early in the morning. At first, I had whimsically thought that it was surprising for an irresponsible girl like her to be able to wake up at six-o-clock. However, those thoughts were dashed from my mind the instant I read her curt message.

Check LINE right now. And other stuff. For real, it's bad.

It was expected that this form of communication encouraged shorter sentences and informal fragments, but Isshiki's message told me almost nothing. However, her sense of urgency was real. She wouldn't speak like this to me as a joke. Something was serious enough that she purposely avoided biasing my first impressions.

I went to social media sites — not on my phone but on my laptop — and opened several web browser windows. Isshiki didn't need tell me what to search. The SNS algorithms took care of that for me.

Soubu High School Prom: Saikou Project

The sheer ridiculousness of the name caught me off-guard. It was not something that any of us had come up with. Actually, wasn't there a pun? It was as if the entity behind the name was begging the reader to give consideration and pay attention to an apparently supreme project.

I browsed through the posts and viewed their website. It presented a prom that was far different from what we, as the student council, had been planning. While we were toning down on the extravagance, this prom turned it up by several notches.

The content was extreme. The kind of dresses that the girls wore in the photos were similar to those in our original video, which the parents vehemently rejected. However, that was the least surprising part. More surprisingly, there was a swimsuit photoshoot, taking the lasciviousness up further. Their faces were conveniently hidden from view, but the people that were in the shoot were so gorgeous that they looked like they were professional models.

Flashiness showered each and every post. The ecstasy and reckless abandon stood out like red lights.

Everything was taken too far. Everything was crafted as if attention was what they sought out more than anything else.

"Hikigaya-kun…"

That name automatically left my lips. There was no doubt about who the one behind this was.

I continued scrolling through all the posts, amazed at the amount of effort put into each one.

"Yukino-chan, if you don't hurry up, you're going to be late for school."

I whipped my head around. Standing close to the door of my room was my older sister Haruno. She was leaning against the wall, smiling chillingly at me. I wondered how long she had been standing there for.

"What's Senpai thinking, putting out that kind of proposal?" grumbled Isshiki, "Is he absolutely insane?"

Isshiki sat cross-armed on the other side of my desk. In response to her questions, I could only let loose a sigh.

The entire student council had congregated quite quickly after the end of classes, and they immediately confronted Isshiki and me about the social media posts. It was an appropriate reaction, given the dire situation that we were in. They were, understandably, concerned about what would happen to us now. Unfortunately, there was not much that we could do, either to reassure them or to turn the tables back to where they were. That was why Isshiki had told them to get back to work, unless they really wanted to face failure. No one could argue with that.

Thus, the student council room became enveloped by the sort of frenzy exhibited by a cornered animal, rabidly thrashing around to survive.

"It's so bad. It's like the exact opposite of what we were working for. Is he trying to get it all cancelled?" exclaimed Isshiki.

"I believe that you are somewhat on the right track," I spoke, "Hikigaya-kun has been doing this kind of thing for a long time."

Everyone saw the world through their own polarized lenses. Hikigaya's lenses consisted of cruel practicality.

Through his methods, he had brought us face-to-face with the greyness of the world.

There were things that tasted awful, that were not suitable for human consumption. Not everyone had the talent to cook, even if they desired for it.

People constantly formed relationships that were brittle, and they could be easily broken if perturbed. Even if one participated with the crowd of bullies, there may come a day that one may become the bullied.

Victory was not always in everyone's best interests. One may be forced to carry out their duties against their will.

Yet, even malformed cookies could carry the weight of one's emotions.

Yet, something that could easily be broken could also be remolded into something better.

Yet, being forced to move was better than remaining at a standstill.

For Hikigaya Hachiman, something had to given up for something else to be given life.

"Hikigaya-kun's plan was designed to be the black sheep that grabbed the attention of the parents. They would focus their fire on his plan, rather than ours," I spoke.

After getting past my initial surprise, that became apparent to me. He had set himself up to fail, so that our own plan would succeed.

"…Then why be so roundabout? That competition the two of you are having, wouldn't it have been better to just cooperate?" asked Isshiki with a furrowed brow.

"Perhaps… But this is what we're used to anyway," I said, smiling weakly.

"I don't get it," spoke Isshiki, looking concerned, "You guys are way too troublesome."

She shrugged her shoulders, implying that she gave up thinking about it. I silently apologized to her. Our relationship was not normal by any means.

"This is how it is, so there's no reason for us to change course," I said reassuringly, "Actually, weren't you going to fill out that form today and hand it in to the teachers?"

"What's that? Wait, oh right! Oh no, there's still so much to do—"

Isshiki hurriedly bolted from her seat. She fled back to her desk at a breakneck pace.

Yes, our role was to continue preparing for the prom. We were the main dish. Hikigaya's proposal was just an unsavoury appetizer.

In the end, we were supported from the shadows. Somewhere, Hikigaya was bearing the brunt of it all.

Nothing had changed. Not a single thing was different.

I tried to put in some more work, but my mind was distracted. I wouldn't get anything done at this rate.

Without telling Isshiki, I slipped out of the student council room. She was hard at work, and she hardly even noticed the door opening. I apologized to her in my heart.

Rationally, I should have informed Isshiki that I would be leaving. Yet, for some reason, I wanted to sneak out in secret. I didn't feel hesitant at all. On the contrary, I felt that Isshiki could handle what was left.

I didn't strictly have a destination in mind. I only wanted to go to a place where I could straighten out my jumbled thoughts, wherever that place may be. Yet, when I stepped into familiar corridors, my feet took me to the staff room.

I looked around the staff room, but Hiratsuka-sensei was absent. It was a little unusual. Perhaps she had some business to take care of? I asked another teacher, and they were able to provide me the usual keys.

I left the staff room, and I headed to that familiar unused classroom. I unlocked the door and stepped in.

The evening sun slit through the closed blinds, drawing orange towers on the floor.

Around the periphery of the classroom, desks and boxes were stacked neatly. Because of that, the centre of the room was mostly bare. What was present in the centre was a long table. At one end of the table were two chairs — one at its direct anterior and one at its lateral side. At the other end of the table, at its posterior, was a lone chair spaced at the maximum possible distance from the anterior chair.

Upon a single desk by the window was an electric kettle, a clay tea pot, and three cups, sitting unused. There was a simple teacup atop a saucer, which I had brought for myself. There was a mug with an illustration of a puppy. Finally, there was a mug that had the design of Pan-san.

I approached the tea set and lightly wiped the pot and cups with a towel, cleaning them of any bit of dust.

When I was satisfied, I walked over to the windows. I drew back the blinds, letting the evening sun illuminate the room fully. I opened the windows. A tranquil gale entered the room, rustling my hair and refreshing my senses.

It had been a while since I had returned to the Service Club room. I hadn't unlocked that door since I had decided to help Isshiki with the prom. I, as club president, used my privileges to put a stop to our club activities.

I could have chosen to take a break at the courtyard. I could have decided to wander the halls for a while. Yet, I was drawn to this place. Nostalgia, guilt, homesickness, I couldn't come up with a concrete reason why I was here. All I knew was that the breeze from the opened window put me at ease.

I gazed out the window. I took in the sights — the school fields, the fences around the school, and the city beyond. The setting sun illuminated the scene with a healthy orange glow. Even at this time, the sun was still incredibly bright. Afterimages phased in and out of the corner of my vision whenever the edge of my vision encountered the sun. The sun had burned the sights into my eyes.

I waited here, and I continued to gaze at the scenery. In this room of several beginnings, I continued to wait for something.

Eventually, the door slowly opened. The visitor stepped inside.

A gust of wind from the window ruffled his slightly unkempt hair. His eyes, reminiscent of a stilled fish, were focused piercingly on me. He was frowning, not in displeasure, but with stoic purposefulness.

—Hkigaya Hachiman's entrance took my breath away for a moment.

Somehow, I had expected him to come find me. I was surprised that I found it so natural.

I let myself be distracted only for that moment. I pulled myself together.

"Hello," I greeted.

"…Yeah," he curtly returned.

I shut the window. The wind, pleasant as it was, unfortunately served as a minor distraction. With the window closed, the sounds of fluttering curtains and blinds ceased.

I turned to Hikigaya. He was still standing in front of the door.

"Do you need something from here?" I asked.

"No, I was told to contact you about work," he replied.

I apologetically spoke, "I see, I'm sorry you had to go out of your way to come here."

He approached his usual seat at the other end of the table, where he had always sat. He gestured to me to take a seat too.

"You don't have to worry about it. It doesn't take that much time and effort," he nonchalantly spoke.

I sighed. I knew that he was not being entirely truthful. Just because he seemed composed now did not mean he did not spend countless hours making those social media posts and creating that website. In the end, he had probably ended up working twice as hard as me.

I approached the table and took my usual seat. Across the table, Hikigaya sat with his front casually facing the wall, rather than the centre of the table. However, his head was facing my direction with a serious expression.

"About the prom, ultimately your revised plan was safely approved. It looks like caregivers against the idea will be persuaded and will have to come to terms with it."

He spoke with such matter-of-factness that he showed no signs of hesitation. He delivered those lines as if he had carefully rehearsed it beforehand.

Everything had already been resolved by Hikigaya.

"That's why… It's my loss," he finished.

"Yes… It's your win," I spoke.

Another sigh left my lips, leaving my lungs feeling empty and cold. In the end, I was the useless one again. I couldn't consider myself the victor at all.

"…Why?" he questioned.

I replied, "It ended up this way because of your methods again. In essence, it's your win."

To someone else, perhaps Isshiki, they would evaluate the winner as the one whose plan ultimately passed. Yet, that was not at the heart of our competition.

Our competition was, more precisely, about who could prove that they had the better methods and who would be able to properly bring the prom to fruition. Although we both worked towards that goal, Hikigaya's actions were by far the more definitive ones.

"…Even so, you foresaw this," he anxiously spoke, "Didn't you know my methods by now? That makes you the winner."

He was surely referring to the fact that his plan was the stalking horse. It was plain to see. His insistence was borne of the fact that he had intentionally set his plan up to fail.

Yet, that plan itself would have ended up in failure if it stopped at just that. It wasn't enough on its own.

"It wasn't certain. As long as the prom itself was being opposed, then your plan wouldn't work… But I figured that if it was you, you'd be able to do something about it."

Somewhere, where I couldn't see, it was likely that his own plan was thrown to the ground. He was dealing with my mother, after all. Yet, every time, when we had reached the end of our rope, Hikigaya would always pull off something miraculous. Perhaps it was not always satisfactory — his victories were bittersweet more often than not. Yet he would always be the one to take action when everyone else was at a standstill.

Hikigaya wryly smiled and spoke, "That's some heavy trust… I'm surprised."

"I was also surprised," I said, "I just naturally thought in that way. I depended on you so much that I thought like that…"

I had barged out of the student council room not because I was overly stressed about the condition of the prom. No, I was agonized by the thoughts of my own ineptitude.

Despite my efforts, I had ended up relying on Hikigaya again. Hikigaya's words, spoken in jest, were nonetheless true. In him, I held the worst kind of trust. I did nothing to solve the issue of the parents being against the prom itself. Instead, I tried to appease them with compromises. Without even thinking about it, I had trusted that Hikigaya would solve that problem. Confidence, action, satisfaction — I abdicated far too much to Hikigaya. For those reasons, this was the worst possible form of trust.

Gravely frowning, Hikigaya spoke, "…Even if that's the case, it doesn't change the fact that it's your win. The condition for victory was to make the prom a reality using the person's own methods, was it not? What made it happen was your plan, your methods."

He shook his head, remaining insistent to the end. His reasoning was sound and overly so. Should we have prioritized the prom itself, it would have been obvious that Hikigaya was the one that contributed the most. However, he was prioritizing the competition between us.

I could continue to argue with him, but it was not likely that he would relent.

"…You're okay with it being my win?" I muttered.

He was not the kind of person who stuck strictly to the written rules; he was more likely to seek for loopholes. That's why, I believed that he desired to let me win. Perhaps he had been planning for this from the start.

In response to me, he nodded three times.

"Then… The match is hereby over. Will you listen to what I have to say?" I asked him.

I was a competitive person. I loved winning by my own hands. Because of that, I hated this hollow victory that Hikigaya had thrust in my hand.

Yet, now that this was in my hands, I had to utilize it.

"No, it won't be that way," he retorted, "It's true that it's your win this time. But that doesn't mean you've won the entire competition."

Unlike what I had been expecting, he seemed shaken. Perhaps Hikigaya had desired the competition itself more than its reward.

It was my turn to be insistent.

"In regards to the conditions for victory, winning this match means winning the competition, and the other person must listen to what the winner says… I'm sure I said that," I replied.

Back then, I had fast-forwarded that conclusion, bringing it to the end of our current and final competition, because I had a goal in mind. With that reward, I could ask Hikigaya to bring about what I wanted.

"…That was just a figure of speech, a difference in opinion."

Surpassing surprise, Hikigaya became anxious, even impatient. Perhaps this was a symptom of the other side of codependency, when the one enabling the dependency has their control slip.

"Then… You decide," I spoke.

I realized that I had forgotten something, because I was so focused on myself. Codependency included more than one person. I wanted to break this twisted relationship, but what about Hikigaya?

"I can't make the decision… That's the same as me deciding the winner arbitrarily. Yuigahama is also in this match. And it's judged with Hiratsuka-sensei's own discretion and bias. And, and—"

He rambled on and on. He gave countless reasons, which were barely distinguishable from excuses. By now, I had become familiar with this kind of behaviour. After all, it was not unlike what I, myself, would do.

He couldn't come to a conclusion. As I had thought, he wanted to keep our competition going, to persist in this broken relationship. He thought that it was still necessary.

"…I'll be honest. It was fun," I interrupted him.

He stopped speaking mid-sentence. He looked at me with a stunned expression.

"It was my first time. I was happy. The time we spent together was comfortable. I'd never argued and fought as we did… nor cried in front of others," I spoke.

I divulged to him about myself. I needed to tell him. I had intended to stop within a few sentences, but after the plug was pulled out, I could no longer stop.

Something warm came out of my eyes and flowed down my cheeks. As if speaking a confession, I continued.

"I was so nervous even when we went out together, and I was unsure of what to do because it was my first time."

I remembered the time when we went shopping together to choose gifts for Yuigahama's birthday. I tried to act headstrong, even though I was confused. I was sure that I treated him worse than I should have. I still have the Pan-san that he had acquired for me. I was incredibly happy, and also so incredibly embarrassed.

That was but the first of several other outings we had together. Being pulled along was so fun. Little by little, we became closer.

Unfortunately, I had become so absorbed that I became complacent.

"I didn't even know it was okay to rely on someone. That's why it all went wrong somewhere…"

I had always done everything alone. When Hikigaya and Yuigahama extended their hands, it was the first time that I had ever grasped any. Yet, because of my inexperience, I continued holding on to them even when it was inappropriate. I relied on them for far too much. Because of that, I twisted everything up like twine.

"This imitation-like relationship is wrong. It's definitely different to what you desired."

It couldn't be called genuine at all. If this relationship continued, Hikigaya would drift further and further away from what he had truly desired. I was sure that Hikigaya realized this as well.

The reason why he continued with this brokenness was because of me, because of a wish that I had stupidly made at the top of that rollercoaster. That's why, I needed to release him.

"I'm okay. I'm… okay now. I was saved by you."

I was still a mess. I couldn't stand up to my sister, let alone my mother. I always made mistakes, and I could still not solve a single problem. The only thing that had changed was that I had stopped deluding myself. I no longer believed that I could shoulder such burdens without shattering.

Even so, it was Hikigaya that helped me lift that veil, to let Yukinoshita Yukino face her disgusting self for the first time. For that, I was saved by him.

Finally, I will break this codependency, even if it will hurt us both.

Facing Hikigaya, I spoke, "That's why, this match and this relationship, we'll end it with this."

That was my choice. This was the one and only solution that was possible for me. This was the result of a girl so weak that she couldn't hold a single thing. Severance was the only thing that this pathetic girl could do.

Hikigaya sighed with the depth of an ocean. He hung his head, hiding his expression. He brooded over his answer. He dwelled on it for a while.

Behind me, the setting sun began to retreat behind the horizon. Its penetrating light became dimmer. With less illumination, the room seemed to lose lustre.

Then, Hikigaya made his decision. He raised his head.

"Alright… It's my loss," he spoke emptily.

With his agreement, the conclusion had been reached. There was but one final act to perform before drawing the curtains.

"I'll listen to whatever you say," said a defeated Hikigaya, "What should I do? …If it's something that I can do, I'll grant you whatever you want."

The loser of the competition shall do whatever the winner requests of them. That condition was proposed by Hiratsuka-sensei. We had both agreed to it, so neither of us could refuse this final responsibility.

Since the beginning of our final match, I had already decided what I would ask of Hikigaya, should I win.

"Please grant Yuigahama-san's wish," I requested.

I hadn't done a single thing for Yuigahama in return for all of the kindness that she had blessed me with. She deserved to have her wish granted.

I also believed that Hikigaya will find what he is seeking for at Yuigahama's side.

Hikigaya looked at me with trembling eyes. Even though he was usually acted aloofly, right now, he seemed like he could burst into tears.

"Are you fine with that as your request?" he asked me.

He tried, one last time, to give me a way out. However, I simply closed my eyes and nodded.

"Yes, this is my request," I assured him.

"…Alright."

Opening my eyes, I saw Hikigaya breaking into a defeated smile. The heavy yolk that was on his shoulders, he had given it up. That's why, he will absolutely fulfill my request.

He no longer had a reason to linger. Hikigaya wasn't one to mind club activities in the first place. There wasn't a reason for him to be at the Service Club anymore.

The choice was made.

I watched him slowly stand up from the chair. My eyes followed after his face. I tilted my head upwards.

He took a step away from the table. He pushed his chair in, and he turned around, showing his back to me.

He moved to the door and opened it. Without a single farewell, he stepped out of the room.

He turned — but only the side of his body, in order to reach for the door knob. Then, the door was shut, forever obscuring his form.

My body burned even though the surface of the table was devoid of heat.

Only because of the painful searing in my chest, like acid dissolving my heart, could I begin to believe that the answer I made was the correct one — but I would never be sure.

Even after it ended, there was a lingering yearning. Even if there was a sham, that desire was still there.

I was sure of it now. That desire stayed in spite of the ending, like embers remaining after a fire. I considered it precious. Yet, I dared not give it a name. That one genuine thing, I left it alone, in a place where I would not perturb it.

I stood up from my chair. I headed to the door.

With key in hand, I needed to lock it behind me.