"Hae Soo-ssi…Are you all right?"
The doctor's concerned question ripped Soo from her trance and she nodded instinctively, despite the fact that she was everything except 'all right' at the moment. Like on the night she had recovered her memories of Goryeo, her chest was so tight she could hardly breathe, her head was pounding and she could feel the blood pulsating in her ears.
The entire past two hours—or maybe it had been three—were a blur. The phone call she had received at Wang So's house, the drive to the doctor's office, the vivid flash-back to a thousand years ago at the moment she came face-to-face with Choi Ji Mong, her Eonni's letter—
Soo hadn't been able to make it past the first couple of lines before she broke down in tears. Ji Mong had read the rest to her, and she had listened—attentively—yet somehow her mind seemed unable to comprehend the meaning of the words.
The letter had told her about Myung Hee's son, about Wook's attempts on their lives, and how Wang So had saved her life the second time. It told her the truth about the 'Spy Queen of Seoul', and explained her Eonni's reason for leaving. Then it had spoken about Goryeo, the Fourth Prince, King Gwangjong, the Princes, about Myung Hee's own memories and the fact that she knew Soo remembered as well. It had cautioned her not to let her memories interfere with anyone's life in this time, yet it had also implored her to be patient with Wang So because he needed Hae Soo in his life, and it had promised that he would eventually remember as well.
No! If he remembers how I broke my promise to never leave him...how could he ever forgive me?...I betrayed him!...I left him when he needed me the most... mianhaeyo, Pyeha...yongseohaejwo…
Soo clutched her chest and gasped, trying to fight off a sudden wave of nausea.
"Hae Soo-ssi, breathe!...Look at me! Breathe!...In and out, slowly...In...and out!"
Ji Mong's calm voice somewhat eased her distress, and she managed to cast him a faint, thankful smile.
"There, that's better…Just breathe!" he continued soothingly. "I know this was a lot to take in, but at least you have already overcome the ordeal of recovering your memories of Goryeo. For Lady Hae it was so much worse, as she had to deal with the loss of her child on the same day she regained her memories. If she wasn't so much stronger in this lifetime than she was back then, she may not have survived."
"Her child…this boy," Soo spoke up timidly, "the letter didn't say what happened to him...only that Wook tried to kill him. Is he okay?"
Ji Mong grimaced uncomfortably and hesitated.
"I'm sorry! I didn't mean to put you on the spot. I understand if you can't tell me," Soo quickly recanted. "Eonni didn't mention it in her letter, so I guess she doesn't want me to know. "
"No, it's not that at all," he assured her bleakly. "Lady Hae didn't mention it, because at this time she doesn't know if her son will survive."
Soo's eyes widened and she clutched a hand over her mouth, but didn't interrupt.
"He was critically injured when our teams apprehended the person who murdered Wang Mu and his family, and caused Wang Yo's accident," Ji Mong disclosed. "There were some complications that seriously damaged his heart, and Kyung Jae…that's her son's name…has been in a coma for the past two weeks. He will require a heart transplant, but his blood type is 0-negative, and the chances of finding an 0-negative donor are slim to none."
"Oh, no!" Soo muttered from behind her hand, and squinted her eyes tightly shut to keep the tears in check. All this time, Eonni, and you never said a word about it. How could you deal with so much heartbreak all by yourself?
"She is a strong woman in this lifetime," Ji Mong stated broodingly, making it seem to Soo as if he had read her mind.
"But there is still a limit to how much even the strongest person can endure," she pointed out. "And if she remembered our lives in Goryeo…" She stopped there and buried her face into her hands. How could she even look at me without hating me? I betrayed her too! I should have at least apologized to her after I remembered. What a horrible, disgusting person I was…I am! Jeongmal mianhaeyo, Eonni…
"Lady Hae is one of the few lucky people I know, who has memories of another lifetime, but managed to only retain the happy ones," Ji Mong remarked glumly. "Oh, how many times I have wished I could do the same."
"Do you remember everything from our time in Goryeo?" Soo queried guardedly.
"Yes, and from dozens of other lifetimes."
"Dozens?" She looked up at him with wide eyes.
"I'm a time-traveler, and as such it is my duty to remember," he explained. "I am only allowed to observe...never interfere, even when I know that current events will negatively affect the future."
"Have you been to the future too?"
"Which future?" he smiled wistfully. "This current future, or the previous future?"
"No, the future future...you know, like a thousand years from now."
"But a thousand years from now is not just future...it is past as well."
"Huh?"
"Future is a relative term, Hae Soo-ssi," Ji Mong clarified. "You had asked me back in Goryeo if I was from the future. It was a difficult question to answer because, yes, I was from the future at that time, but I was also from the past."
"The past...you mean from before Goryeo?"
"Yes, before..."
"We lived before the tenth century too? Wang So-nim and I?"
"Yes!" He sighed. "You two seem to have an especially hard time fulfilling your destiny. Other people and unfortunate circumstances keep getting in the way."
"Our...destiny?" Soo stared at him incredulously.
"Yes!" Ji Mong nodded solemnly. "Everyone...every soul has its destiny, which must eventually be fulfilled."
"So we get to do it over and over again in different times and different lives, until we finally get it right?"
"Not quite, because there is a limit on how many tries you get before you are considered a lost soul."
"L...lo...lost soul?" Soo stammered, her eyes widening in alarm. "How...how...many do we get?"
"How many tries?" Ji Mong pensively swayed his head. "I don't know! It varies, depending on what you do with each opportunity."
"Meaning what?" she frowned indignantly.
"Meaning how much of an effort you make, if you're still even trying to find your soul's mate...and yes, this is where the term soul mate comes from."
"But what happens if only one of us is trying?"
"Then it depends on how hard you are trying to claim your soul mate...that is IF you have found him. Sometimes the wrong souls end up together, and only one of them realizes it, but is unable to prevent it."
"What...happens then?" Soo felt her throat tighten at the question.
"Then..." he shrugged dejectedly. "Then it ends in tragedy like Prince Eun and Park Soon Deok."
"They weren't meant to be together? But Soon Deok loved him so very much?"
"It doesn't matter how much one person loves another...or thinks they love the other...if their souls don't...No! For Wang Eun and Soon Deok, their destinies do not match. If you have noticed, the timelines and circumstances of their births are different in their current lives..."
"Will that help them to get it right this time?"
"I hope so. Park Soon Deok seems to be on the right path. As for Wang Eun...we'll have to wait and see."
"Do you know who their soul mates are?"
"I do not, but there are signs for each soul, whenever it gets closer or farther away from its mate."
"Oh, like the 'hot and cold' game?" Soo asked with a timid smile.
"Yes, something like that, I guess," he chuckled softly at her analogy. "Only much more serious than a mere game."
"But why did I get sent back to Goryeo, to replace the real Hae Soo of that time?"
"You, Hae Soo-ssi, were not the person who was sent back to Goryeo...It was Go Ha Jin..."
"Go Ha Jin?" Soo frowned, looking confused. "Who is Go Ha Jin?"
"Before the accident and your coma, you were Go Ha Jin," Ji Mong explained patiently, "and you were sent to Goryeo as Hae Soo, because the real Hae Soo of that time was not strong enough. She would not have been able to give the Fourth Prince what he needed. She would not have been strong enough to stand beside him and help him the way you were able to."
"Wait!" she interrupted him again. "I don't understand this! If I was this Go Ha Jin, then how did I come back as Hae Soo, and what happened to the Go Ha Jin of this time?"
Ji Mong smiled sadly. "The Go Ha Jin of this time ceased to exist at the moment Hae Soo arrived in Goryeo and changed the timeline of events. As history changed in Goryeo because of Hae Soo, it also changed in this time. If you had returned to this time as Go Ha Jin, it would have made it nearly impossible for Wang So to find you again."
"Because he would have been searching for Hae Soo," she mused, nodding to herself, then looked at him in apprehension. "But are you really sure that Wang So-nim and I are soul mates?...That we're not just both on the wrong track too?"
Ji Mong locked his gaze with her wide eyes. "What do you think, Hae Soo-ssi? What do you feel, deep down in your soul? What did you feel when you were with him in Goryeo?"
Soo pensively stared down at her hands, intertwining her fingers to stop them from fidgeting with the folds of her skirt. "I love him...with all my heart! I loved him as the Fourth Prince...I just realized too late back then how much I loved him...and I love him even more now..."
"But...?" Ji Mong pulled up an inquisitive eyebrow.
"But it always feels like we're just not meant to be together...It was like this back then, and it's the same again now. It feels like the harder we try to be together, the more bad things happen...especially to Wang So-nim...Like he is getting punished for trying to be with me...getting punished for loving me and I...I..." She sobbed and swallowed hard, trying to rid herself of the lump that was suddenly stuck in her throat. "I don't want him to suffer because of me. I don't want him to keep getting hurt because of me...like Yeon Hwa, cutting his face again because of me. I can't...I..." Her voice trailed off and she desolately shook her head.
Ji Mong placed a comforting hand on her arm. "I understand!... But have you ever thought about how much he suffered without you?"
"Did you have to bring that up?" Soo scowled irately. "I feel bad enough, thinking back on how I abandoned him in Goryeo when he needed me the most. How I broke my promise to him and to myself, that I would stay by his side and help him become a good and fair King. How I left without even telling him that I was pregnant with his child. I just ran away and left him to fend for himself, only thinking of my own feelings and never even considering his..."
"You did what you thought was right for yourself and your unborn child," Ji Mong softly interrupted her rant. "And Pyeha understood your reasons and also accepted them...no matter how much it hurt him. He never blamed you for leaving when you did, but I know he always wished you would have accepted his offer to take you away from the palace before everything got out of hand."
"I often wish that too now," Soo muttered, wiping her eyes. "But if I had left with him then...what would have happened? Who would have become the next King of Goryeo? Who would have become Gwangjong?"
Ji Mong shrugged. "Who knows? Perhaps Wang Wook, or perhaps even Wang Eun..."
"Eunie?" Soo's eyes widened in shock and a cold shiver crept along her spine. "You mean Eunie wouldn't have died if I had left with the Fourth Prince when he first asked me? Oh, NO! That's..."
"Now don't start blaming yourself for that too," Ji Mong cut her off. "It's not what I meant!...Wang Eun may have still been killed, perhaps even in a much worse way than the dignified, merciful death he died thanks to Wang So."
But So could have been spared the agony of having had to kill his younger brother, Soo thought, despite knowing that, whether as the 4th Prince of Goryeo or as the Wang So in the 21st century, he would do anything in his power to protect his brothers— regardless of any consequences for himself, as already proven by the recent events.
"But what about Soon Deok?"
"As I told you...her soul was misguided and on the wrong path when she insisted on marrying Prince Eun."
"What about Yeon Hwa?" Soo blurted out before she could stop herself.
Ji Mong raised an unimpressed eyebrow. "What about her?...Don't tell me you are actually worried about her soul?"
"I'm not!" she declared firmly. "It's just that she keeps chasing after Wang So-nim. She did it back in Goryeo, and she is...was still doing it now. Like she is convinced that he is her soul mate."
"Trust me," Ji Mong smiled softly, "even if that is what Yeon Hwa believes, then she could not be more wrong. She and Wang So were never...and will never meant to be together..."
"But they were married and had five children together in Goryeo," Soo interjected.
"Yes, but only because there was no other choice left for Wang So at that time. As King, he needed an heir to the throne. Their first son was sickly, the second one lived only a short time, and after the other three all turned out to be princesses..."
"Three strikes, and you're out," Soo muttered under her breath.
Ji Mong forced himself to keep a grin in check. "Something like that," he answered evenly. "And Gwangjong was never close with any of the children he fathered for Yeon Hwa. Matter of fact," he smiled longingly, "your Seol was the only child that ever received true affection from the King...even though, to keep her safe, he could never openly acknowledge her as his daughter."
At the mention of their daughter, Soo broke down once more and Ji Mong wrapped a comforting arm around her shoulder as she started sobbing. He met her! He met our daughter, and he loved her! He loved our daughter and he protected her!
Soo suddenly stopped crying and looked up at him. "But how would you know?...I thought you left the palace too?"
"I did," Ji Mong nodded. "I left the palace, but I didn't leave Goryeo until after the death of Gwangjong. And just because I kept my distance does not mean that I didn't keep watch over him."
"You saw them together...Wang So-nim and our daughter?"
"On many occasions, and..."
"Was she happy?" Soo interrupted him eagerly. "Did you watch her grow up?...What did she look like?...Did she get married and had kids of her own?"
"Yes, yes, beautiful like you, yes and yes, three of them," he answered her string of questions with a smile, then added softly, "And if there was anything back then that eased the King's burden after he lost you, it was your Seol."
Soo merely nodded as she again felt her throat close up when she tried to answer. Happy, beautiful, and she got married and had children...we had grandchildren...three grandchildren! I need to ask Jung...no, I can't! I can't talk to anyone else about this, unless I'm sure they also remember!
"Did you get to meet our grandchildren too?" she asked Ji Mong instead.
"I did!" he confirmed. "Your granddaughter was born only six months before Gwangjong's death, so unfortunately he had little time to get to know her. But your twin grandsons..."
Soo's jaw dropped. "Twins?"
"Yes, they were two years old when I first met them, and they were the spitting image of their grandfather at that age."
"You remember what Wang So-nim looked like when he was two years old?"
"Of course, I do!" Ji Mong stated matter-of-factly. "I am...was... fourteen years older than he, and grew up with his oldest brother, Wang Mu."
Soo's eyes widened again at this newest revelation—another piece of their history that she hadn't been previously aware of.
"And not only do I remember what he looked like at that age," Ji Mong continued when Soo remained speechless for the moment, "I also remember the happy and lively toddler, who never ran out of questions to pester his Hyeongdeul with." He chuckled lightly at the memory, but then suddenly his smile faltered.
"What?" Soo asked apprehensively, noticing the change in his expression.
"Nothing!" he replied, wiping a hand across his face.
"You are not a very good liar either, Ji Mong-ssi," she assessed. "Just tell me... Please?"
Ji Mong looked at her with pain-filled eyes. "Sometimes I truly wish I wouldn't remember," he admitted, "or at least not remember everything...I wish I could be like Lady Hae and remember only the good times and forget...or block out...all the bad. I wish I could simply wipe all the bad and painful memories from my mind."
"Like what?" Soo's voice was barely above a whisper.
"Like the way that beautiful child changed after his mother..." He cut himself off, but not in time.
"His mother?" Soo gasped. "Wang So-nim's mother?...Do you mean Queen Yoo in Goryeo, or Yoo Shin Myeong in this life?"
"What's the difference?" Ji Mong growled. "You saw what kind of person she was back then, and you're seeing what kind of person she is now. You saw what she was capable of back then, and..."
"His scar...Wang So-nim's scar...back then...History repeated itself," Soo mouthed barely audible, cringing when another shiver traveled down her spine.
"It did," Ji Mong confirmed, "and it will continue to do so, unless..."
"Unless we change the way things are going!" Soo declared firmly, and jumped to her feet with a sudden look of determination in her eyes.
Ji Mong curiously squinted up at her. "What do you have in mind?"
"Well," she challengingly propped her hands against her waist, "for one, I will not let Wang So-nim push me away...not even under the pretense that it's 'for my own good'! And for two, I will not back out again! I will not go back on my promise again...ever! No matter what happens, no matter how bad things get! No matter..."
"You could die again," he cautioned somberly.
"So what?" Soo shrugged. "I died last time too! I died heartbroken and miserable, thinking he hated me. Yes, I had Jung and he comforted me, but it still felt like I was dying all alone without him there. If I have to die again, then this time I want to die in his arms, and no matter how horrible a death it may be, I want to die looking into his eyes and knowing that he loves me. And even if that's selfish of me and unimaginably cruel to him, I could die peacefully that way, without any regrets."
"Are you sure?"
"I am!"
Ji Mong nodded thoughtfully. "Then you should tell him exactly how you feel. Just keep in mind," he cautioned, "that unlike you, Wang So may not have regained his memories from Goryeo yet, so be careful with what you say."
"I will! I promise!" Soo assured him solemnly. "Does anyone else remember? Do you know?"
"No one, except you and Wang So, was supposed to remember...not even Lady Hae. But, as in her case, traumatic events can sometimes trigger the recollection. As for the others...I can't be sure."
"Eunie made a weird remark that, from the first time he met me, it felt like he had already known me for a very long time," Soo disclosed pensively. "It kind of worried me at the time, but I don't think he..." She stopped there when Ji Mong's phone chimed.
"Excuse me for just a moment," he muttered contritely, snatched the phone from the table before she could catch a glimpse at the caller ID, and rushed out of the room.
Soo grimaced uneasy, biting her lower lip. Whoever the caller was, judging by the doctor's expression he didn't expect it to be good news. What else could go wrong today? Oh, I don't even want to know! But what do I do now? Eonni left, Wook is on the run from the law…where do I go? I hadn't even thought about that yet. I can't just stay in their house…
"I apologize, Hae Soo-ssi," Ji Mong interrupted her thought as he returned. "There is an urgent matter I need to attend to..."
"That's okay," she quickly assured him. "I've already taken up too much of your time. Thank you, Ji Mong-ssi!" She bowed courteously and turned to leave.
"Wait!" he held her back momentarily, handing her a small package. "This is yours too, from Lady Hae. Use it wisely."
"What is it?" Soo frowned warily as she turned it over in her hands.
"You'll see," he smiled wistfully and ushered her out of the office.
A/N: Just a reminder (before I get "yelled at" by the critics) that this is FICTION, and solely my own interpretations as to how things progressed in Goryeo (i.e. in regard to any children and grandchildren of Gwangjong), and the reason why Hae Soo did not return to her own time in history as Go Ha Jin.