"God, you must be so sick of me cryin' on your shoulder," Louis said after he had finally cried himself out.

"Bullshit, Lou. You've only done it twice. And this is important. I'm not givin' up this easy, in case you wanted to know."

"Why? Why are you doin' this for me?" Louis was bewildered.

"Because I care about you. I keep tellin' you that."

"Can we go home now?" asked Louis, eyes red and bloodshot. Harry felt miserable about this whole thing. If there was any way he could make everything alright for Louis again, he'd do just about anything to achieve it.

"I need to research. We won't do it today, but I need to get online in a library or somewhere, and find out if there are any other avenues open to us."

"I'm wiped," said Louis as soon as they got home. "I know we didn't really do anythin,' but the stress of bein' told we can't get the foster records has me knackered."

"I know. Go to bed or just kick back, and I'll just do the most important of the chores and join you in a couple of hours."

Louis felt too guilty to do that. "I'll just end up thinkin,' and I don't wanna do any more of that. It'll serve me better to keep busy."

And with that he headed out to the pastures to see if any of the animals looked to need attention. Harry saw how his movements were little stiff, his shoulders tight, and he had an air of quiet desperation about him as he looked the cattle over from head to tail, and it tugged at Harry's heart. Louis was trying so hard to carry on normally when he was a wreck on the inside, and there wasn't a single thing Harry could do for him.

"They teased me in the foster home because I was afraid of the dark," Louis admitted to him a little later on as they ate lunch. "Some of the younger kids had nightlights by their beds, and I wanted one. I was older than a lot of them, and they laughed at me because of it. They said I was a sissy. And the butterfly. Remember how I mentioned a colorful butterfly?"

Harry nodded his encouragement.

"Well, I think my mother must have loved butterflies, because I get a strange feelin' every time I see one, even now. It feels nostalgic, and I want to go back in time so I can remember it all."

"I think you were too young to remember a whole lot."

"Yeah, probably. But I hope more comes back to me. There isn't a whole lot left to remember, but what is left is the most crucial – to me, you know?"

"Of course. Anyone would want to know about their parents and family. Especially in this situation," Harry added. "I know how imperative it is to you."

"I'm glad you understand, Haz. I had to have known it, I would think, during the time I was in England."

"Like I said, you were very young."

"And that's what's most frustratin'! The most important shit I need to know happened when I was too young to remember It, so even if all me memories come back, that probably won't."

"I know, but we'll research, and keep buggin' that foster home until we find a solution, and get those foster records in our hot little hands," Harry rubbed his palms together along with an impish look, and that lightened Louis up a bit.

Louis had so much on his mind that all Harry initiated that night was cuddling. He respected that Louis needed time to digest the fact that they'd actually found the foster home, which had to be numbing, and that they needed to remain stalwart in their quest.

The next day they got things done as quickly as possible, and then headed to town, Harry intent on going to the library. In doing so, he found out about the UK Action for Children. The organization was focused on foster children, and making sure their needs were met and their voices were heard, but Harry was hoping they could also help Louis in his journey to get his records. It might be way off target to contact them, but it was a start, a place to begin. He was able to acquire their telephone number, and then he and Louis called them from inside the truck.

Just as he had feared, Harry talked to someone who explained that they didn't have any authority to obtain or release records from the foster system. A little more pleading, and Harry was convinced that they either didn't have the jurisdiction, or they were unwilling to cooperate. He suspected it was the former.

After that, it was back to the library. Louis, who had partially emerged from his state of shock, participated in looking up and finding books that they checked out in order to study in the evenings at home. They were bound and determined to find out exactly what their rights were, and how to exercise them. Harry wasn't ready to accept the fact that the foster home could in no way help them.

That evening after a shower and dinner, they were sitting on the couch, each reading a book about foster care. Some of them, unfortunately, were a little outdated. In addition to that, it seemed that each foster home had its own set of rules about records. And sadly, most of the information they found involved only adoption, not foster records. Louis had never been adopted, only fostered.

"If I'd been properly adopted, it seems this would have been easier," he said to Harry after they'd gone through the pile of books, still not having found anything about how to proceed.

"I'm goin' to town again in two days and I'm gonna call that foster home again," Harry said resolutely "I'll keep on their asses until they direct me to someone who can help us."

"You're . . . you're amazin,'" Louis said, flustered and stammering with emotion. He moved a little closer to Harry, putting the book he was holding on the coffee table. He entwined their ankles, and that made Harry smile. It always did.

Harry laid his hand on Louis' thigh, gently patting. Louis turned to look at him. There was heat in
Harry's gaze as his eyes flicked to Louis.'

He was already sporting a semi. Harry wanted to see Louis fall apart again. He hoped this wasn't too soon. He knew Louis was preoccupied with the foster records. He didn't want to do anything without full passion on both ends. Most of all, he didn't want Louis feeling pressured when his thoughts were elsewhere.

"I had no clue how dauntin' this whole thing would be," Louis said. "I think we need a break. We've been readin' for over two hours."

Harry took Louis' hand, and took note of how rough it was. Louis never wore gloves – not even when working with the horses. Every cowboy knew you should protect your hands should the horse try to bolt and you were holding the lead rope. Louis was so stoic. And stubborn. He didn't always follow the rules, preferring to control his own destiny in just the way he wanted to.

"What're we gonna name the ranch?" Harry asked, trying to catch Louis off-guard. He loved the challenge of doing that because it wasn't easy to do.

Louis took it in stride.

"How about Folly Ranch?"

"Who, the lunatic?" They were referring to Harry's buckskin mare, the one with the show-stopping bloodlines and a flightly – to put it nicely – temperament.

"I told you, she's not a lunatic. She's just . . . a mare."

"Lou, you and I both know that mares are hormonal and fussy, but Folly carries it to extremes."

Louis had liked Folly from the beginning because he saw her as an opinionated unique challenge. He liked her unpredictibility. Maybe, Harry thought, because Louis' own personality was similar.

"Okay then, Maverick Ranch? Comet Ranch? Dominic Ranch?"

"Why does it have to be a horse's name?" Harry eyes shimmered with mirth as he got a good feel of one of Louis' biceps. Just their ankles touching still wasn't enough for him.

"Okay then. H&L Ranch. Is that better?" Louis was only kidding; ribbing Harry. But Harry paused, contemplation drawing a few temporary lines on his forehead.

"Hey, that's not bad. H&L Ranch," he said, as if to himself, letting the sound of it slide off his tongue.

"Haz, I was only jokin,'" Louis chuckled.

"No, Lou. I mean, really . . . I like it."

Louis' chest felt like it was expanding, like a virtual balloon. He actually liked it? He hadn't been serious at all when he'd made the suggestion, but Harry's reaction gave him, for the first time, some real, concrete hope that just maybe it was possible they'd be sticking together. It was still hard to wrap his head around it. But the fact was, there had been no straight talk about a forever for them. Only vague hints.

"Wait now . . . you can't just name the ranch H&L, in case sommat . . . might not . . . happen," he choked out.

"It's already happened. For me, anyway. I thought you felt the same. If you aren't comfortable with it, we can name it sommat else." Harry's demeanor reflected disappointment.

"No, no. I like it too. But I guess we need to communicate about it."

"Well, you're pretty damn sure you don't have a significant other . . ." Harry's voice trailed off feebly, and it sounded insecure.

Louis jumped in quickly, afraid Harry would think he wasn't serious about their relationship.

Their relationship that they'd never really discussed. But they'd only just recently become intimate, so even though they'd lived together for six months, they had just reached this point, and hadn't talked about it to the depth Louis felt that they needed. He didn't want to just go day to day without knowing exactly where he stood.

"I am, but there's sommat we can do. We can ask Mr. Hoffman if I had . . . anyone special while I was there. He would know if anyone would. We can call him instead of goin' over there, because it's kinda an embarrassin' thing to ask someone."

"Yeah, I know I'm kinda jumpin' ahead here, but bein' . . . close with someone like I have with you, well, Louis, I don't take that lightly," Harry admitted, shifting his weight and breaking their eye contact.

"I don't either! But if there's even a tiny chance I was . . . with someone while I was employed at Stockholm Ranch . . . well, that would tell us pretty much what we want to know."

Harry's whole manner seemed to be changing before Louis' eyes. Maybe Louis' hadn't worded it right. He realized it hadn't sounded exactly crystal clear.

"I don't get you. Before, you didn't even want to discuss it. Now you're actin' just the opposite." Harry looked a little annoyed as well as hurt.

"You're the one who has always brought it up!" Louis was beginning to feel a flicker of anger burning his insides. He wished it was the other kind of flame that Harry so easily stoked in him.

Louis was right. Now that it came down to it, Harry was terrified. He turned on his heel and slammed out the door and into the night. Since Louis had always been the one to storm out, he didn't quite know how to handle this.

Why was Harry suddenly so bothered by the subject? Should he go after him? Or did Harry prefer to be left alone? Louis couldn't, of course, not follow him. Harry had gone after him more than once, after all.

He found him in the barn. The light was on, so he didn't have to do any searching. Harry was sitting on an overturned bucket, chin in hand and staring straight ahead, looking despondent, to say the least.

"Haz," Louis said gently, so as not to startle him. He did anyway. Harry nearly fell off the bucket. Louis stepped to the side of him, close. Almost close enough for his sweats to make contact with Harry's cheek.

"Harry, please remember you've brought this up yourself many times. I bring it up once, and you get all bummed out, or whatever you are."

Harry's face was so transparent. It told Louis how torn up he was.

"Because we're close to findin' out now, and you seemed eager to call Mr. Hoffman."

Louis let the shock show in his expression. "Eager? No, never! If I seemed eager, it was only to find out there wasn't anyone." He was trying to reason with Harry, who was being totally unreasonable.

"I'm mad at you and I need you to leave," Harry mumbled. Louis hoped he meant he wanted him to leave the barn, not the ranch.

"No, Harry. We need to talk. Now that things have gotten a lot more . . . intense, we have to communicate."

"I don't think you wanna stay here." Harry's face was pinched and red, almost as if he were ready to go into a rage.

"Where did that come from?" Louis was swiftly becoming exasperated. Harry was being completely irrational, and he knew he should leave the barn and go back into the house. But, for some reason, Louis decided to push things.

"You know that's not true! I've told you - how many times? That I want to stay here. That I feel like this is home. Don't be unfair."

Harry was acting like a jealous lover. But what was so ridiculous was that he couldn't possibly be jealous, because there was no one to be jealous of.

Louis did a half turn to face the rear of the barn, trying to get a grip on himself.

"And what if there was someone? Will you just pack up and leave?" Harry demanded.

"No! I'd . . . I'd explain it to the other person, and tell them why I want to stay with you," Louis realized, after he'd finished the sentence and turned to face Harry again, that he was talking to an empty space. Harry had left, and Louis didn't know if he'd heard any of what he'd said.

Alright, apparently Harry did need space, away from him. If he didn't find Harry in the house, he would just wait . . .

Harry wasn't in the house, and Louis waffled between his options. Going out in the dark was unlikely to result in him finding Harry. Staying in the house, which had seemed the best idea a minute ago, now seemed absurd.

There were wild animals out there. He'd seen them through their bedroom window at night. There were coyotes, bobcats, javelina, and who knew what else? Probably mountain lions too.

"Harry!" Louis yelled from the front porch. "Come back inside!" There was no answer, but Louis hadn't expected one.

This was outrageous! Harry had brought up the possibility of Louis having a boyfriend so many times, yet today Louis just mentioned calling Mr. Hoffman to find out if he'd been with someone when he'd lived and worked there, and Harry had come undone. It wasn't right. He was the one who should be angry! He wanted to shake Harry until his teeth rattled.

He thought about taking the truck to look for Harry in the immediate vicinity, but Harry had never let him drive because he didn't have a Driver's license. Well, he did now! But he didn't have permission to drive the truck, and that was what ultimately stopped him. If he went out to search on a horse, even with a flashlight, the dangers would still be just as real.

But Harry was out there all alone.

Louis paced the same way Harry had before he'd gone after Louis on that stormy day six months ago. He paced the entire house, Monkey following in his tracks, sensing something was wrong. Then it dawned on Louis. Monkey! Monkey, with his superior nose, could probably find Harry quickly. So Louis put him on a leash so he wouldn't get too far ahead, and they exited the door.

"Find Harry, Monkey!" Louis said in an excited voice to motivate the dog. That was all it took. Monkey sniffed the air and the ground a few times, then started off with a hopeful Louis in tow.

God it was dark out here! Pitch black, not just merely dark. Louis couldn't see a thing ahead of him, but Monkey never faltered or slowed his pace. He trotted staunchly, and Louis knew without a doubt that he was tracking Harry down.

Twenty minutes later, Monkey's tail began to wave furiously, and Louis knew the dog had found him. Louis almost smashed into Harry before realizing Monkey had stopped.

"Thank God for Monkey!" Louis said happily, hoping Harry's mood had improved. It hadn't.

"Damn it to hell, Louis! I told you to fuckin' stay away from me!" Harry was close enough for Louis to see the fire in his eyes. The indignation was prominent.

"Harry, no! We have to talk," Louis pleaded.

"I told you no, I need to be alone."

"It's so fuckin' dark out here, Harry. I'm worried about your safety."

"I'm a grown ass man! Do you think you need to baby me?" Wow, Harry was taking things personally now. Almost as if he felt Louis was insulting him.

"But I care about you!" Louis protested.

"Not if you won't honor my wishes! Now leave me alone!" with this, Harry shoved Louis so hard that he fell down in the dirt. Louis leapt to his feet almost before he hit the ground.

"I'm not leavin' you out here!" he countered loudly.

"You don't think for me! You don't boss me 'round!" Harry looked like he was agitated enough to do some real harm. That was when Harry shoved him again, harder this time. When Louis hit the ground the second time, it was a little harder to spring to his feet immediately. But when he did, he jumped right at Harry, hoping he was aiming accurately in the dark.

He was spot-on. His body hit Harry's full-force, and they both slammed to the ground. A wrestling match ensued, Louis trying to subdue Harry, and Harry attacking with a hard, strong determination Louis didn't know he had in him.

At the same time, Harry was blown away by Louis' physical strength. Of course, he knew he was strong, but Louis was almost overtaking him skillfully and steadily, giving Harry the impression that this was only an inconvenience for him. Harry was somehow on top, not knowing how he'd gotten there in the tussle.

Louis was so smoothy and proficiently gaining on him that Harry was fairly sure he'd be on top of him, conquering him and holding him down in a matter of seconds if he didn't do something fast to protect his pride.

"I'll beat the shit outta you if you don't stop!" Harry cried.

Louis suddenly went limp, the exact opposite of what Harry expected. There was no fight in him. Just resignation.

"Go ahead," said Louis with a distinct lackluster voice. "If that's what you need to do, have at it."