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I know I already included The Best Day and Last Kiss, but I wanted to include it again, just make us sad all over again.
Take another second to mentally prepare, this is a sad one. Enjoy!
EPOV
We decided to move Bella to the cottage, if Bella woke it would be incredible overwhelming, I figured a familiar environment would be best.
I watched Bella the whole night. Not once did I take my eyes off of her, she was so still, her breathing was incredibly shallow. As cliched as it sounded, Bella was a fighter, I wanted to believe that she could overcome this last obstacle, and once she did we would have an eternity together, but there was that voice in the back of my head that incessantly reminded me that Bella could only survive so much, she had very little force left to give. I'd promised her I would try to have faith, so I did my best, but Bella was the optimist. She was the light balancing my darkness.
The harsh reality was I didn't know how to hope without her.
The sun was rising, and I knew we would have to deliver the tragic news to Charlie. I hadn't hunted in weeks, so I looked as terrible as I felt, the bags under my eyes now had a purplish hue to them, but I wouldn't hunt unless I was hunting with Bella.
Carlisle and Alice walked into the cottage to begin this horrid process.
I selfishly refused to leave Bella right now, so Alice had decided she would break the news to Charlie that I had awoken to find Bella gone. I wouldn't have to face Charlie until later today. Carlisle would take care of the logistics of a death certificate, and other similar issues seeing as I was in no condition to be meticulous. I would see Charlie once we could say Bella was in the morgue undergoing an autopsy. I felt the overwhelming pain at even the thought of Bella undergoing an autopsy.
I was once again talking Alice through what she would say to Charlie, "I woke up and she was already gone. Carlisle called an ambulance, but it was too late." My voice broke a bit, I kept my eyes on Bella and stroked her hair out of her face. "I stayed with her until they took her for an autopsy. She didn't want us to see her like that, so don't let him go to the hospital, Alice."
I never once let go of Bella's hand. I rested my forehead against our joint hands.
"I got it, Edward, don't worry yourself. Everything will be okay. She'll be okay," Alice assured me for the dozenth time. I couldn't help but notice that she was trying to block me from her thoughts. Bella had once told me that ignorance was bliss, but I didn't feel like I completely understood that until now. I was trying to cling to the hope that she would wake up and we would live happily ever after. Even if I didn't deserve that, surely Bella did. Bella deserved more than this tragic ending.
Alice squeezed my shoulder and then left.
"Carlisle, she's too still. I can't smell the morphine in her system anymore. Maybe something went wrong," I started to panic.
"She'll be okay, son. She's counting on you now," Carlisle's thoughts were as sincere as his words. He truly believed that Bella would be okay. "I'd like to believe she can hear you, talk to her, you'll bring her back to you like you did once before."
I nodded, and he left. I was alone with Bella. It wasn't even a week ago that I was in this very same position with Bella, and she woke up that time. What if this time we weren't so lucky? I tried to push that thought out of my head. Bella asked me to have faith, and so I would at least try.
"Bella, love, I hope you can hear me," I began, "When you wake, we'll go somewhere, anywhere in the world. We can go on a real honeymoon. I've been keeping that a surprise, but I know you'll enjoy it. We can go to the Lake District, go see the Windermere Peaks. From what Carlisle told me, they are beautiful. We could live there if you'd like, I'm not sure how sunny it is, but we'll figure it out. Just make it through this, alright? Just be okay, and I'll follow you anywhere. We'll do anything you'd like, perhaps we'll go see the some of the Wonders of the World, I think you'd like that. I just want to do it with you, Bella. I know I promised you, but the outside world holds no interest for me without you." I kept talking to her about our plans for the future. It wasn't until Carlisle came back, that I'd even realized how long it had been.
"You need to go see Charlie, Renee is less than an hour out. Alice and Jasper will pick her up and take her to Charlie's. She doesn't know yet. Alice will tell her as well." Carlisle placed his hand on my shoulder. "Esme and I will watch her."
Esme came in right behind him, she was almost as concerned as I was. She felt incredibly guilty about last night. When Bella started throwing up, it was like Esme went into shock. I had assured her that neither I nor Bella were upset with her.
It was incredibly difficult leaving Bella, but I'd promised her we would take care of everything. I grabbed her journal, remembering the slightest and last comfort she could offer them. I rewrote Bella's words over again, so we could have our own copy here, and then I was off.
CPOV
It was incredibly difficult to watch Bella, who was now my daughter as much as Rose and Alice were, like this. I had been modulating my thoughts around Edward. I truly believed that Bella would come back from this, but even I couldn't help but worry. Esme had been equally distraught watching Bella vomit blood. We would remember that moment of pure unbridled fear for the rest of eternity.
"Bella? I hope you can hear me. Esme and I are with you now. Edward is taking care of Charlie and Renee. You're always so concerned and considerate of everyone else, but please try not to worry about that. Focus on coming back to us, to your family. You haven't seen the changes that you've caused, but the rest of us can. You brought everyone in this family such joy. You've given Esme and I a new daughter. You've given Emmett and Jasper a new little sister. Alice found a best friend in you, and even Rose has accepted you into our family. But most of all, Edward, you've changed him, Bella. He's a better man just having known you. That first hospital stay, I could see how tired you were, how hard you were fighting. I know Edward hates those cliches, but it's the truth, Bella. I know you're trying your hardest, Bella. I can't ask anything more than that."
EPOV
I drove as fast as I could to Charlie's house, knowing Alice wouldn't leave until I'd arrived. It wasn't hard to pretend I was mourning Bella, if anything had gone wrong I would be mourning her. The bags under my eyes only highlighted my misery. The door was unlocked when I got to Charlie's front door.
I opened the door to find Charlie sitting on his recliner, his elbows on his knees, head in his hands, his breathing uneven.
"Charlie-," I let my voice break this time. I had been trying to tamp down my emotions, but I loosened my grasp on them slightly. He looked up at me, his eyes were bloodshot, and it looked like he had aged a decade in the last 24 hours. I took a deep breath, I knew my throat wasn't closing but it certainly felt like it was. If I could cry, there would be tears streaming down my face. "I'm so sorry." It didn't feel sufficient, but it was all I could offer him. Alice was in the corner, the despair clear on her face and in her thoughts.
Charlie got up, and unexpectedly he pulled me into an embrace, "Me too, kid. Me too." His voice was filled with pain. We stayed like that while Alice made her way around us.
"Renee will be landing soon. Jasper and I will pick her up," Alice whispered, so only I could hear her. I nodded.
I slowly broke away from Charlie, and led him to sit down. Alice quietly made her way out the door, squeezing Charlie's and my shoulder as she left. We sat in silence, knowing there were no words to be said. All of Charlie's thoughts were of Bella. It wasn't until Renee came in that my silence was broken. I heard her thoughts from a fair distance. I could hear the panic and denial in her thoughts.
'I don't believe it. I don't believe it…' That was all I heard from Renee's thoughts as she walked in the house. It wasn't until she saw the despondence that marred mine and Charlie's faces that she understood. A choked sob came from Renee. Alice held her from crumpling down to the floor. I walked over to Renee, and embraced her. It wasn't something I normally would do, but these were extenuating circumstances.
"I'm so sorry," I echoed the words I had just said to Charlie to Renee. She didn't say anything, her sobs that bordered on screams filled the room's silence. It took a while for her to calm down. Once her sobs quieted, I guided her to the couch, next to Charlie. We stayed quiet for a while. Renee's thoughts were all memories of Bella. I decided I should be the one to break her silence.
"She wanted me to give you two this," I swallowed down the knot in my throat. I opened the journal and took out the page that was intended for them.
The Best Day
I'm five years old, it's getting cold, I've got my big coat on
I hear your laugh and look up smiling at you, I run and run
Past the pumpkin patch and the tractor rides, look now, the sky is gold
I hug your legs and fall asleep on the way home
I don't know why all the trees change in the fall
But I know you're not scared of anything at all
Don't know if Snow White's house is near or far away
But I know I had the best day with you today
I'm thirteen now and don't know how my friends could be so mean
I come home crying and you hold me tight and grab the keys
And we drive and drive until we found a town far enough away
And we talk and window shop 'til I've forgotten all their names
I don't know who I'm gonna talk to now at school
But I know I'm laughing on the car ride home with you
Don't know how long it's gonna take to feel okay
But I know I had the best day with you today
I have an excellent father, his strength is making me stronger
God smiles on my mother and father, inside and out, they're better than I am
I grew up in a pretty house and I had space to run
And I had the best days with you
There is a video I found from back when I was three
You set up a paint set in the kitchen and you're talking to me
It's the age of princesses and pirate ships and the seven dwarfs
And Daddy's smart and you're the prettiest lady in the whole wide world
And now I know why the all the trees change in the fall
I know you were on my side even when I was wrong
And I love you for giving me your eyes
For staying back and watching me try to shine
And I didn't know if you knew, so I'm takin' this chance to say
That I had the best days with you everyday
There was something written on the back, that I hadn't noticed.
I love you, Mom and Dad. Forever and always, Bella.
"She was incredibly talented, it took months of asking to let me see what she wrote. She wanted you two to have this, a little piece of her was how she put it."
Renee took it first, reading the poem, as Bella once called it. After she was done, she flipped the page, and tears began rolling down her face. Then she passed it to Charlie, who had a similar reaction.
"I remember that day, she had just finished Chemo, she was bald, but couldn't stand wearing a wig, and she went to school like that. She came home almost in tears that day, so we drove as far as we could until she felt better," Renee recalled through her tears. She was playing the memory in her thoughts. Despite my previous annoyance with Renee, I could see that she did the best she could. Bella was right, they had balanced each other out. When the world got too heavy for a young Bella, Renee lightened it with her buoyant and carefree disposition.
"She loved you two so much," my voice wavered. I once again cleared my throat, "She wrote dozens, I can show you one if you'd like?" It felt odd sharing when Bella had sworn me to secrecy, but I knew her well enough to know that if it made her parents feel the slightest bit better, she wouldn't care. I decided to show them one of her more recent works, but one that wasn't as heavy. I showed them Long Live, considering it was one of Bella's lighter works.
"She never showed us anything she wrote, ever. She loved you so much, Edward. You made her the happiest I had ever seen her," Renee said through her tears.
I couldn't bring myself to say anything, so I sat there, my head hung.
"We should go see her," Renee said, breaking the silence. Her voice rough from the grief. "She's all alone," her sobs broke through again
"She," I cleared my throat once more, I knew it wasn't actually necessary, but it felt like there was a knot in my throat, like the emotions were threatening to suffocate me, "She asked that we not see her like that. She said that, that wasn't her anymore." I didn't bother trying to keep my voice even. Renee leaned her head against Charlie's shoulder, their hands joined together. I could see the whites of their knuckles. They were clinging to each other, they would always be tied together by the love and loss of Bella.
"She was fine last night, she was talking, laughing, how can she just be gone?" Charlie's voice was a mix of grief, sadness, anger, and so many other unidentifiable emotions.
"I don't know." That was the only answer I could give for now. "I need to go to the hospital, to find out what happened. My father is there now."
They just nodded, I knew I wasn't holding their attention anymore, but I said, "I'll be back tomorrow to discuss arrangements." I flinched at the word.
Renee stood up to hug me once more, but Charlie stayed seated, looking lost in his train of thought. 'Bella. Funeral?' I could still just barely make out Charlie's thoughts. I was walking out the door when I heard Renee's very loud thoughts, 'I'll never be okay again'. I turned back to face them.
"When she was in the hospital, she made Charlie and I promise that we would go on and live life to the fullest. That we would try to be happy without her. I'd think she would have made you make the same promise, Renee." She didn't say anything, but she looked up and nodded at me. I walked out of the door, it took me a minute to leave Charlie's driveway, seeing Bella was all I wanted to do right now.
I drove to our house and ran to our cottage as quickly as possible. Esme, Alice, Jasper and Emmett were sitting beside Bella.
"Carlisle had to take care of some things," Alice answered before I could even ask. All of their thoughts were worries for Bella, each of them worried about what losing Bella would do to me, and they were right to worry about that. But they all loved Bella, because of of the person she is, how she entered our unusual family with such grace and easy, how she won each of them over almost instantly. Bella made everything so easy. They all loved her immensely.
Even the usually light-hearted Emmett, offered no playful remarks or thoughts. I heard Bella's heart beating very slowly, it was struggling, I tried not to think about the probability of Bella's heart giving out before the grueling transformation was finished. Instead, I focused on my siblings. Jasper was filled with shame and remorse for what had occurred yesterday.
Jasper's thoughts were filled with regret. When Bella had started throwing up blood, Jasper restrained himself with the help of Emmett and Alice, I could hear from his thoughts that he felt the tinge of betrayal from Bella at his reaction.
I knew Bella well enough to know she would not hold it against him. Jasper, however, could felt an immense shame at his actions. I couldn't deny that I was still a little upset with him too. It angered me that he had been so ready to lunge at Bella, but then I thought about it. If Bella wouldn't hold it against him, then how could I? Before I wouldn't have even thought twice about getting angry, and now here I was pausing to think before losing my temper. It was just another testament to how Bella had changed me, how she brought out the best of me, my true better half.
"Jasper, please stop beating yourself up. You know she wouldn't hold it against you."
"What I did was unforgivable. I lunged at someone who I thought of as a sister, Edward. I lunged at your mate. I'm surprised you haven't torn off my head, and then buried it. It would take much longer to put myself back together. She thought she could trust me and I betrayed her," Jasper's voice was sharp and curt, but Jasper's thoughts were filled with regret and remorse.
"Did you even touch her, Jasper?"
He shook his head.
"If you truly wanted to, you could have fought Emmett off. While I don't approve of what you did, I saw you Jasper. Once you felt the inkling of betrayal from her, you snapped out of it. She knows you struggle, Jasper. Neither her nor I could hold that against you. If you truly feel you must, then apologize to her. Carlisle believes that she can hear us."
He nodded. While I didn't want to leave her, Alice and I gave Jasper some room to talk to Bella alone.
JPOV
I hadn't felt this much shame since I had left the South. I still couldn't believe my own actions. I practically lunged at Bella while she was dying.
It was completely unforgivable, and now she was here, we weren't even sure if she was going to make it. If she didn't her last memory of her so-called brother would be me ready to attack her. I had visited her many times when she was in the hospital, and though I couldn't stay long, I still controlled myself. It all happened so quickly, and there was so much of Bella's blood everywhere, I didn't even stop to think about what I was doing. Of course, Emmett grabbed me before I could even try to do anything. I felt the overwhelming protectiveness he had for Bella. It was shameful that he felt he had to protect her from my nefarious actions. Edward was right though, I could have easily broken from Emmett's hold, but I didn't. That didn't matter, it was still despicable. As soon as I felt the betrayal coming from her, I regained control over myself, but the damage was done. Bella was dying, and I had done nothing to help her.
I sat next to her, her heart was so slow, and already struggling under the immense pressure.
"Bella, I can't tell you how sorry I am for what happened. Please know that I didn't mean it. It was too much, but there is no excuse. I am so sorry. If it makes you feel better, you could probably tear my head off with the newborn strength you're going to have. Just please wake up, I want to apologize when you can actually respond to me, so you can tell me to go to hell or tear my arm off. Just please know, I meant everything I said, even if you wake up and hate me, you'll always be a little sister to me. I'm so sorry, Bella."
EPOV
"Thank you, Edward. He's been pretty hard on himself," Alice said once we made it out of hearing distance.
"Don't thank me, thank Bella. She made me a better man. If it weren't for her, I probably would have attacked Jasper," I spoke honestly.
"Thank you anyway."
I was back in the cottage very quickly afterward.
Once it was just Bella and I, I knew I couldn't muster enough strength to talk to her, to be hopeful for her. I decided to play for her, she always enjoyed that.
I couldn't decide what to play, it felt wrong to play our songs without Bella here. I started playing something new, I hoped she couldn't hear the sorrow and melancholy in the notes, but it was the only thing that I could bring myself to play. One I finished composing, I felt wretched again. Perhaps I had been wrong, high school was not a purgatory in which I had been exiled, maybe this was. The waiting, the not knowing, it felt as though it was suffocating me.
It would be a cruel fate, knowing Bella, loving Bella, and then after knowing that love like this could exist, having it forcibly wrenched from my fingers. That would be my own personal hell. It was almost too much to bear. I only suffered this for Bella. That was it, she was only thing giving me a purpose in life.
She had asked me to continue on if she didn't make it, but I don't think she completely understood the way in which she had changed me, or the permanence of those changes. We were frozen in the state at which we were changed, very little could change us, and on the rare occasion something did, it was a permanent mark. If I continued, I'd live the rest of eternity being haunted by Bella. I'd be haunted by the sound of her laugh, the way she slightly threw her head back when she was really laughing, the way she spoke, the love we shared, how she would stop breathing when we kissed for too long, her scent, her poetic words, everything would be branded into me for the rest of eternity.
Even though it felt wrong without her here, I began to compose to Bella's newest songs, as a way to feel her presence. I knew she had written more in the hospital, but I wanted her next to me when I read those for the first time. I started chronologically. It was interesting to see how Bella went back and forth, she had the same conflict I had when we first met: Run, Bella. Stay, Bella. Only hers was: Run, Edward, run. Stay, Edward, stay.
Forbidden to remember, terrified to forget; it was a hard line to walk. But we did, from the beginning we walked a fragile line, a tightrope on which the two of us balanced, one wrong move, a single misstep and it would take us both down.
Last Kiss stopped the flow of composition. The pure agony at reading her words, the insurmountable grief was crushing me again:
Last Kiss
I still remember the look on your face
Lit through the darkness at 1:58
The words that you whispered for just us to know
You told me you loved me
So why would I go away?
Away
I do recall now the smell of the rain
Fresh on the pavement, I ran off the plane
That May 9th, the beat of my heart
It jumps through my shirt
I can still feel your arms
But now I'll go
Sit on the floor wearing your clothes
All that I know is I don't know
I never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips
I do remember the swing of your step
The life of the party, you're showing off again
And I roll my eyes and then you'd pull me in
I'm not much for dancing but for you I did
Because I love your handshake, meeting my father
I love how you walk with your hands in your pockets
How you'd kiss me when I was in the middle of saying something
There's not a day I won't miss those rude interruptions
And I'll go
Sit on the floor wearing your clothes
All that I know is I don't know
Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips
So I'll watch your life in pictures like you used to watch me sleep
And I'll feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe
And if I could I'd keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are
Hope it's nice where you are
And I hope the sun shines and it's a beautiful day
And something reminds you you wish I had stayed
You can plan for a change in the weather and time
But I never plan on me changing my mind
So I'll go
Sit on the floor wearing your clothes
All that I know is I don't know
Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips
Just like our last kiss
Forever the name on my lips
Forever the name on my lips
Just like our last...
Each line cut me deeper and deeper.
I went back to her. I needed her presence. I needed her, but I'd settle for just being close to her body for now.
"Bella, even thinking that we had our last kiss, I think death by a thousand cuts would be more tolerable. You asked me to have faith, so Bella, we have not and will never have a last kiss." I brushed my hand through her splayed out hair. I could see the tiny scars that scattered down her arm fading. The bruises from the most recent IVs and blood draws were disappearing. The frailness that she had developed was fading. There was an ache that she was going through this pain, but I started to feel a slight hope that she would be okay.
"When you held out your hand, and I took it without stopping to make sense of what I was doing. For the first time in almost a century, I felt hope, I'm going to keep hoping, but it's so much harder without you here, my love."
"I love you so much, Bella. So much it hurts, I hope you're okay. I know that's a moronic thing to say because you're most likely not, but there isn't much else I can think of. Of course, only you could make a vampire's thoughts pause like this. I feel almost indifferent to everything that isn't you. Don't worry though, everything is being taken care of. I'd just like us to keep hoping together."
I continued to talk to her about what our future would entail, in an foolish attempt to incentive her to come back, even when I knew she had no control over such matters. The sun was rising again, it wouldn't be long before someone came and got me.
Soon, I heard Alice's thoughts approaching.
"Edward, you need to go to Charlie's," she paused. 'To make the arrangements,' she finished in her thoughts.
"I know that Alice," I snapped. Alice didn't even flinch at my forcefulness. "I'm sorry, this is very difficult," I paused. "Can you show me? What you've seen, I want to see."
I had changed my mind, ignorance was not bliss, the unknown was weighing heavily on me at this point.
"Edward," she sighed, but nodded after a second. I saw images flashing through Alice's mind. There were two distinct paths, Bella completing her transformation but never waking for her soul had departed, the other seemed like a fantasy, Bella waking as an immortal, looking incredible, us running together in the woods.
The wave of emotions flooded through me, I worried that she would not wake, but the thought that she could still wake and us being together for eternity made me almost beyond ecstatic. My mind kept reminding me that there were two paths, two very different futures. One of eternal misery, one of boundless happiness.
"Edward, you should go. I'll watch over her," Alice insisted, "Oh, take Bella's journal, I think it comforts Renee."
As I grabbed Bella's journal, I started to wonder if Alice had seen anything Bella had written.
'I haven't seen any of it, Edward.' Of course Alice would see that I was about to ask. I turned back to Bella, once again stroking her head.
"I hope you don't mind, love. I won't share too much, but your parents did say how talented you were yesterday. I love you, I'll be back soon," I whispered in Bella's ear.
APOV
As soon as Edward left I felt the distress start to creep in again. Carlisle had told me that he believed that she could hear us, that talking to her could give her a distraction from the pain she most certainly was going through. I knew Japer felt incredibly guilty about what happened with Bella yesterday, I had tried to tell him that Bella would understand, but he wouldn't hear it. He had gone off to hunt alone while I was watching Bella. I wasn't completely sure if Edward was being honest about him not being upset with Jasper or not, but right now my focus was Bella. I would watch her as intently as Edward had.
"Hi, Bella. It feels a little silly talking to you when you can't give me your usually sarcastic remarks, but I just have to say. I will be so upset with you, if you don't make it through this. I knew before I met you that we were going to be good friends, but I didn't know how you would become like a sister to me. Don't worry, I'm not going to get all sappy on you, I'm sure Edward has got that covered. I just want you to know that I've had a lot of fun with you the last few months, and once you wake up I'm going to dress you to my hearts content. I had so much fun filling up this closet for you, but once you're back I'm going to show you how to utilize it properly." I kept ranting and brushing out her hair until Jasper and Emmett were about to walk in.
EPOV
And fairly quickly, I was right in front of Charlie's house. I heard both of their thoughts, they were both sitting in the living room in silence. I decided to knock on the door. Charlie answered, the exhaustion and the grief on his face were just as bad, if not worse, than the day before.