Kali blinked her eyes blearily, trying to recall where she was in the soothing silence of her room. There were no rumbling growls of irritable soldiers, no scraping of metal as the army loaded up their carts upon carts of weapons. She felt the familiar softness and breathed in the clean linen smell of her castle bedroom - not the musty smell of old paper and candle wax. She uncurled herself to stretch so that she laid on her back and rubbed at her eyes with the palms of her hands. How long had she slept? It was a dreamless sleep, and had felt like the first decent night's rest she'd gotten in years. She tried to recall the events of the impossibly long day before….or maybe two days before if the stiffness of her body was any indication of the passage of time.
After a brief rundown of the formations of the army, their battle tactics, and overwhelming numbers, Kali handed over the dagger to Zelda, happy to be rid of the cursed thing. To her surprise, the princess called upon Kiden to assist with the research of the artifact. Something about testing the properties of the metal but at that point Kali couldn't make herself pay too close attention. She was really struggling to even keep her eyelids from drooping. As the meeting room cleared, a few of the sages issued a 'welcome back' or 'good work'. Ruto was the last of the sages to pass her by, and the zora only paused before her. Her eyes still held that searching gleam as she stood before her.
Kali felt that perhaps she was expecting another apology, and it wasn't difficult tobe sincere as she said, "I really am sorry about your people. There was nothing I could do if I wanted to be able to work from the inside and get the information to help you all. I tried to reduce the damage done as much as I could without being suspicious."
Ruto's clenched fists flexed and then relaxed at her sides. She sighed, sounding perhaps as tired as Kali as she muttered, "I believe you."
Kali blinked. She hadn't expected her to respond with anything but blameless incontempt. Ruto went on, "I have made mistakes before. Stupid mistakes." she huffed a humorless laugh with a significant look in Link's direction where he chuckled next to Darunia, "And grave ones too. They are not easy to forgive."
Kali nodded once. It was not a difficult concept to understand for her now. Some glimmer of guilt must have shown in her eyes as she looked away because Ruto said quietly, "Mistakes are part of being alive, part of being the stupid, stubborn girl I know you to be. Even you can find it in yourself to forgive those mistakes. Or you can let them eat you alive."
She pressed her lips together, willed herself to not relieve all of her mistakes upon Ruto right then and there - felt the overwhelming weight of those mistakes settle on her shoulders like a mountain. They just kept piling up and up and up. When she looked up, Ruto was watching Link with a longing that Kali knew all too well. But it was there one moment, and then gone as Ruto flashed her a dazzling smirk, "But don't think I'll forgive you for loving him. I loved him first."
With that parting comment, Ruto winked and slipped from the room - leaving Kali with a burning hot face.
Galena was thrown into a fit the second she laid eyes on the condition Kali was in. Link had been the escort to her room, and was promptly shooed away. She could barely form full sentences as she addressed each awful part of her appearance, "Your skin! All this sand...and ugh...blood again. Your hair is….it'll take ages. And those dark circles…." the old maid tittered as she went through the motions of restoring her to what Galena deemed to be "presentable condition".
By the time she was done, her skin stung and was flushed with the effort of scrubbing, her hair was wet and smooth - Galena had even trimmed it a bit. Kali had been visibly nodding off as Galena ran a brush through her drying hair at the vanity. By then, Galena must have felt bad enough for her that she led her to bed because Kali didn't remember getting there.
There was a knock at her door, and with a wave of her hand the lock clicked, the door opened. It was the first day that she didn't have to pretend to be someone else entirely, and right then, her real self was feeling quite lazy. She propped herself up on an elbow to see a slightly surprised Link standing at her door, a tray of food in hand. He laughed softly as he took in her rumpled appearance, still wrapped in her coverlets. "I'm not sure if I should be impressed by that exceptional use of your power or if I should scold you for still being in bed." he joked as he settled on the edge of her bed, placing the tray on the covers.
At the smell of the food her stomach rumbled noisily, and she sat up, her cheeks warm. "How long was I out?" she asked reaching for the food.
Link flopped onto his side, using a pillow to prop his head as he faced her, watching her eat. "Two days. I was starting to worry that you were sick. You looked feverish when I brought you back to your room." he explained, and she blushed again, nearly choking on a small berry she had been intending on eating - remembering that it was Ruto's words that made her skin flushed with embarrassment.
"No, I think I was just exhausted I think." Kali said quickly before promptly stuffing a flaky roll covered in butter in her mouth.
Link didn't miss the prompt matter-of-factness of her response and he raised a single brow at her. But she only went on eating, avoiding eye contact with him. What was wrong with her? Shouldn't she be happy that he was here? That they were together again? She was safe, so why did she feel like her belly was filled with painfully twisting worms?
She suddenly was not all that hungry at all. She'd spent months pushing her own feelings aside, and was in the habit of not examining her emotions too closely for fear of making a mistake and being discovered. So it was difficult for her to make herself look now as she stuffed a piece of apple into her mouth. It might as well have been sand on her tongue.
But if Link noticed that something was amiss within her, as he usually did, he didn't say anything. She wasn't sure how to act, how to react to his presence, his easy going nature, had it really been that easy to be herself around him before? At that thought she realized exactly what was wrong with her. She'd spent so long pretending to be this awful protege to the evil sorcerer that she wasn't sure what was left of the real her. She'd apparently paused in her eating because Link spoke up, and the timing of it made her sure it was not coincidental. "Want to do some training today? I'm sure you're rusty and we are still at war." His tone was casual, even a little mocking in that joking sort of way he used to challenge her.
The date of the quartile pulled at a corner of her lip, and he grinned wider at her attempt to suppress the smile. It was so strange to feel the sincerity of the grin, the uncontrollable pull of it. "Is that a yes?" he asked, his eyes glittering with mischief.
"Fine, fine,"she conceded with a soft laugh, and moved from the bed, nudging him playfully without remembering that she decided to do so. The thoughtlessness of it startled her a little. "Now get out so I can change."
Link looked relieved at her playfulness, but something still writhed in her stomach. Because at that point she couldn't decide if she were pretending to be herself so that he wouldn't worry, or if these were things she as a real person genuinely would do.
He strode to the door and she was sure he didn't fail to notice how she pushed her still half full tray of food to the side to get ready.
Kali changed into a maroon sleeveless tunic that went over a thin, cream linen shirt and a pair of brown leggings. Upon searching the drawers, she paused at the contents of one of them. They had kept her leather armor; her arm bracers with her gloves, her kidney belt, her sword belt, her leather boots. They really had wanted her to come back to their side, and they were sure she still knew how to fight - or perhaps were only hopeful that she did. She wondered who would have taught her if she really had lost her memories - probably Link. He was the only one left who understood how she functioned during training now. She rolled up the sleeves of her cream undershirt and strapped the bracers to her arms and recalled a time when she always needed Impa's help with the buckles. A knot tightened in her throat as she did the same with the kidney belt, the sword belt, when she slipped her feet into the soft, worn leather of her boots.
She ran a brush through her hair and worked to braid it down her back - not the severe twist secured with hair pins that she was used to under Pallas's care. He had always liked her to look as regal, as doll-like as possible - to present her as his queen of sorts. But when she beheld herself in her full body mirror, she looked like….just a girl. A girl who might be ready for a brand new adventure. She looked more like herself, and even the small ritual of dressing in the clothing she preferred over the tight, black, backless dresses gave her the illusion of settling back into her own skin a bit. This girl was not a character she had to play, she was not the creature hewn from crafty lies and deceptions. She was a girl who was only trying her best to save this realm and the people she had come to care deeply for. She drew in a deep, bracing breath as she met her own eyes. She only wished that her soul would settle back into itself as well. She pressed her lips into a fine line as she resolved herself to try to push those thoughts aside and strode for the door
It was an unusually cool day for the summer, and Kali could smell the impending threat of rain in the air. She could see it in the way the leaves on the trees turned over slightly, showing the paler green underbellies of them. She wasn't sure if she always loved the charged feeling of the air before a storm, because she couldn't recall where that love had originated in her endless gaps in memory, but it made her feel a little steadier to at least know she enjoyed something. Link caught her gazing at the gray sky as he walked back to her, hands full of wooden swords and shields. "Yeah, we might not have long today. Unless you want to train in the rain. I suppose it could be a good exercise." He chuckled.
He held out a sword and shield for her to take, and the heft of it in her grip felt oddly, comfortingly familiar. It had been months since she'd even laid hands on a practice weapon since she hadn't felt the risk to be worth it to try and practice in secret at Pallas's fortress. But she was suddenly sure that her muscles still remembered as her stance shifted. All those hours of painful, exhausting training were not easily forgotten. She was glad to know Impa hadn't wasted her time.
So Link led her through a warm up. He tried to joke with her, to make small talk but the worms of fear and concern that lived in her gut began to squirm again. She wasn't as responsive as she might have been before she vanished, not as care-free, not as quick to grin at the boy that faced her. Guilt of not being that girl began to swell in her mind, making it her brain feel like it was packed with cotton. She caught him shooting her increasingly concerned glances, but he still did not ask what bothered her.
He led her through striking drills, and indeed her muscles did remember the movements - even if perhaps her form was a little more sloppy than she would have liked. She tried to bring her focus to the training, to the soothing burn of exerting her muscles, to the jarring feeling of her sword colliding with his as they sparred. But she couldn't pull her rattled mind away from her actions, her reactions, to who she was at her core. She didn't know who that was, and she was just….training. Shouldn't this freak her out more? Was she pretending to like Link? To care about what he thought? Had she actually become a girl made to pretend until her feelings were real?
Each time her thoughts drifted she was punished with a sharp strike to her shoulder, her thigh, her side. She would grimace each time, and rub at the now sore spot and Link would pause, looking apologetic. But it wasn't his fault. Eventually she got so frustrated that she straightened from her fighting stance and scrubbed at her face and hair. Link stood facing her, still in his fighter's stance - waiting patiently for her. She felt the first drops of rain begin to fall, startling coolness against her hot skin, and the sword and shield dropped from her hands onto the ground below with a dull thud. She couldn't train like this.
At that, Link straightened and he stepped to place his sword and shield back where they belonged on the rack behind him. When he turned to face her again, his blue eyes searched her face, trying to detect what was wrong. He no doubt could tell it wasn't just the training. Still, she was sure even he wouldn't guess that something this monumentallly stupid was stopping her from performing to the best of her ability. Because it really was a huge obstacle. She felt like she had no foundation, no security when she second guessed everything she did. He drew closer to her, and the rain was coming in slow, steady drops now. He was only a step away from her now, and he stared at her, concern drawing his lips into a thin line, setting his sharp jaw. "We should get out of the rain," Kali said quietly, sounding more defeated than she meant to let on.
"Not till you tell me what's on your mind." Link said softly, and she saw his hand reaching for her - to cup her cheek she thought.
But just as she felt the slight brush of his fingers, she jerked away. She wasn't used to being touched anymore, and….it scared her. "Please...Don't." she muttered, sounding choked with frustration.
She couldn't meet his eyes, but his hand dropped to his side. "I won't be able to guess this time, I think." Link said, attempting to sound light hearted in the comment but she felt the worry that weighed it down. It was a question that wasn't actually a question.
"Probably not," she said sullenly, "Because I'm so different now."
He used to be so good at guessing the direction of her thoughts, of detecting her emotions but….it had been months. She was sure that she still cared deeply for him, remembering that kiss they shared in the cave and how unbelievably good it had felt to just let herself have that single moment - to allow herself to fulfill that need to be with him for even a few scarce minutes. But was it possible for him to still care for the girl that she no longer was? The idea of getting an answer to that particular question terrified her.
"You feel you're drastically different?" Link asked, not sounding upset or even annoyed - only like he was trying to sort through her thoughts.
Her last bit of control snapped and she sighed hard, throwing up her hands in frustration, "Yes, Link. I am different. I am so different that I don't even know if I am pretending to be myself or if I am actually myself or...or…" An exasperated groan interrupted her rushed, rambling words, "Ugh, I don't even know who I am anymore! So how can I expect you to guess? How can I expect you to care like….like you did before? How can I know that I'm not setting myself up for even more heartbreak?" She turned from him, crossing her arms over her body...a defensive position, as if she were trying to hold herself together.
She felt the prick of tears in her eyes, the hard thump of her heart in every part of her body as she added, "I'm scared."
She knew those two words would draw him back to the conversation they had before the sealing, before Impa's death when she told him that her feelings for him scared her. They still scared her, but not quite in the same way. Kiden was not the issue this time. It was her.
She didn't hear Link move behind her, so she assumed he remained where he stood. She only heard the increasing pace of the rain as it began to drizzle harder. She felt the rivulets of the cool water stream from her now soaked hair down her neck. She shivered. When he spoke, his voice was still gentle, "You're scared...of me?"
Kali shook her head, her arms around herself tightening, "No, not at all. I'm scared of me. I'm scared of...of...if my feelings are real, and if they are then once you see how much I've changed...that your feelings might change too."
"You really believe you're not the same by any right?" Link asked again, and his voice was harder now. Maybe she was only making him angry.
"I...I don't know." she muttered, her throat tightening until the words were barely audible through the rain. She was about to cry, like the miserable coward she was.
"Kali, look at me." Link said firmly.
She didn't. She couldn't make herself do it. She only stood, her back hunched with defeat as she held tight to herself.
"Look at me." He repeated, and she took a shaky breath, dread washing over her like the cold rinse of the rain before she turned.
And she yelped indignantly as some sort of cold, messy substance assaulted her face. She staggered back, blinked her eyes several times in quick succession, trying to register what had just happened. She touched her face, and her fingers came away coated with thick, smooth gobs of….mud? Her eyes found his face, and he was grinning at her, his hands also covered with mud. Her mouth dropped open with shock.
"Did you just... sling mud at me?!" she squawked.
"Yep," His blue eyes glittered with a challenge as he leaned down to scroop up another handful of mud, smoothed by the pouring rain.
Her mouth worked to form several questions at once as she swiped at the mud on her face, but even she was surprised when a startled, disbelieving laugh escaped her lips. Before she knew it, her hand had already grasped a handful of mud and was thrown messily in his direction. It struck the front of his tunic, and his grin widened with glee. All thoughts of her identity crisis, and his feelings, and her feelings were wiped from her mind as he returned the handful of mud at her and she ducked out of the way, and their mud war began in earnest.
Sounds of their roaring laughter filled the air, breaking through the pattering cascade of the rain as they dipped and dodged, and lobbed wads of chunky mud at each other. Eventually their war switched from a game of range, to a game of hand to hand combat. Their fingers grasped at each other, struggling to get a good hand hold but their clothes and skin were slick with the sludge. Their boots slipped and slid in the mess they were making of the training courtyard. Their hands clutched each other as their eyes met, her smile so wide and so unfamiliar that it hurt her cheekbones. Link's eyes shone with mischief and joy as he pushed at her, trying to throw her off balance. So instead of pushing back, she used his momentum to pull him toward her and she embraced him in a bear hug. Then she promptly wrestled him to the muddy ground, where he yelped with surprise. She mounted him and pinned his hands to the ground. "Got ya!" she proclaimed, breathing hard.
He howled with laughter, and panted just as heavily. "Alright, alright. You got me. You win."
With that, she gave a whoop of victory as she threw her fists in the air and then collapsed with a slap on the ground next to him. Mud...was everywhere. It was in their hair, it caked like a thick paste onto their clothing and skin, and they were both soaked to the bone. She closed her eyes and tried to catch her breath, savoring the soothing wash of the rain on her face.
"You're not as changed as you think," Link said, sounding breathless.
"What?" she gasped, opening her eyes and turning her head to see him.
He was propped up on one elbow next to her, watching her with blue eyes that still shone with the joy of their little 'fight'. "You know what this reminds me of?" he asked, sounding amused.
She squinted at his face, trying her best to follow the seemingly random change in conversation, "What?" she asked again, stupidly.
"It reminds me of when I pushed you into Lake Hylia." he chuckled, as he reached to brush mud from her cheek.
Kali remembered that. The little shit had actually pushed her into the lake and laughed at her stunned expression. "So I pulled you in right with me." she laughed breathlessly.
"That girl is still there, right here somewhere." Link said after a long pause, and his fingertip touched the spot on her chest where her heart should be, "I just saw her. I saw her in that moment of surprise when I threw mud at you, I saw her when your smile spread wide and you reached for a handful yourself without even a second thought."
She suddenly became very aware of the thump of her quickening pulse in her chest, she felt it right down to her fingertips as he spoke. Her throat closed so she was unable to respond before he went on.
"That girl that hasn't changed was there in the way you threw up your hands in frustration just now." He chuckled softly, resting the whole of his palm against her heart. She knew he could feel the rapid beat of it this way, but she didn't care. "I see her all the time, Kali. Of course you're different now, but you're not as dramatically changed as you assume. Don't second guess that part of you."
Her throat finally loosened enough for her to mutter, "And...you don't mind? The parts that have changed?"
Both of Link's brows raised quizzically at her question, "Do I mind? What do you think I'm expecting?"
Kali blushed hotly and averted her gaze, her mind going to exactly the person she would define as perfection, as unchanging as a frozen, beautiful glacier. She muttered something too low for him to hear.
He only tilted his head, prompting her to speak louder she groaned and absolutely hated how petty her words sounded as she said "Princess Zelda. I expect you to expect…..Princess Zelda."
He did not laugh at her pettiness, at her insecurity. He only shook his head and pushed his soaked, dirty hair from his forehead as he responded, "Kali, I know how Zelda may seem to you. But she is a princess. Even she has changed since I met her. We were children after all, and...Even now, her coldness seems to have faded a little bit with you around. I guess it's that fire in you." He grinned wide and his fingers found her ribs, digging in so that she flinched, and the giggle that escaped her….she hadn't giggled like that since - well….she couldn't remember.
Link laughed along with her - not in a cruel or patronizing sort of way, as she had grown used to with Pallas - but it was the sound of pure, unrelenting joy, "Kali, you have no idea how much I have actually enjoyed seeing you change since you arrived in Hyrule. You've changed in many good ways too since I met you."
His hand trailed up her chest to cup her cheek, his hand slick with rain and gobs of mud. She didn't care about that either. "People change. It's part of being alive. I want to be there with you when you need me for the bad changes. I want to see you grow from the good ones." He kept his eyes on her own, and she was rapidly blinking droplets of rain from her eyes. Or maybe those were tears. She wasn't sure anymore.
"And...what about the bad changes that have already happened?" Kali said, her voice trembling. It must have been tears.
His thumb stroked her cheek soothingly once again, and he leaned forward. For a long moment, she was embarrassed to think that maybe he was about to kiss her - her cheeks aflame with the realization that she wanted him to kiss her. She watched him with wide eyes, and then felt the warm pressure of his forehead against hers. His eyes took up the whole of her vision, soft and as blue and unending as the sea. "You've been through more than you deserve. You need to heal. I have seen darkness dig into your heart, and I accept it. I accept all of it, the good and the bad. I want you to be as happy as I can make you. I….I want you."
She felt like she'd been kicked in the gut, the breath seemed to have been sucked from her lungs at his words. But at the same time, the impossible weight of everything that had been on her shoulders shifted a little, lessening. Had her uneasy feelings of how much she'd changed rested that heavy on her? Had she really held her concern of how he felt about her that highly?
Of course she had. And it had always been Link, anyway. It had been him since she'd fallen unconscious in that forest, it had been him at Lake Hylia, Lon Lon Ranch, Castle Town, the Lost Woods, even the castle when nobody was supposed to be there for her. It would always be Link from then on, she knew suddenly. And Link must have sensed something shift within her because she felt the tension between them tighten like a pulled bowstring. She suddenly became very aware of her own body as well as the warmth and steadiness of his as he leaned half over her, holding her face in his hand, his forehead pressed to her's. She placed her hands tentatively on his chest, her heart beating like a war drum. She felt like he was holding his breath as he watched her, she couldn't feel the warmth of it on her face despite their closeness. His jaw set in a way she knew meant he was thinking very hard about something. Then suddenly knew precisely what he was thinking when color entered his cheeks and his head tilted only slightly - a silent question.
It was the easiest answer she had to give as she cocked her head slightly so that her mouth fit perfectly to his. He released that held breath slowly in a long sigh through his nose, and she savored the warmth of it. Her fingers tightened on the front of his shirt as his hand at her cheek moved to cup the back of her neck, pulling her tighter to him. His kiss was always a thousand sensations at once. It was the rattling boom of a firework, the first burst of warm sunshine after a long winter, it was the feeling of diving from the top of a waterfall into an ocean as blue as his eyes. She was falling and exploding and shining all at once when their lips met. For once, every thought of Pallas and her identity crisis and Hyrule, all of it faded into nothingness for the lips of this wonderful, good, heroic boy. His lips were so soft, and the kiss was not tainted with desperation as she feared it might have been - though she couldn't recall why. It wasn't rushed. Every movement of their lips against each other was intentional, gentle, it meant so much more than just a kiss. And she felt that kiss all the way down her body to the very tips of her toes.
When they parted, their breaths were heavy and she found herself blinking several times to try and re-orient herself in the world. He had actually sent the world around her spinning in the way he kissed her. He was grinning down at her, as if suppressing a laugh. She was already giggling softly at that look before even knowing why. "What?" She asked.
"Galena is going to have a fit." He was laughing more loudly now, but his eyes were alight with….something.
She couldn't identify it as he rolled onto his back with a wet thump, still laughing as he watched the sky. Whatever that feeling was in him must have been contagious because it bubbled uncontrollably in her chest and released in the form of roaring, stomach aching, tear inducing laughter.
He brought out something in her that it seemed nobody else had managed. He made her feel like she used to before the world - even her original one - threatened to crush her beneath its boot. He made her feel like anything was possible, like they could play in the mud or push each other into a lake like children and nothing else could possibly matter. He made her feel like she could be daring, and challenged her to be better all the time. He made her feel like all that darkness inside would eventually subside a little, and if she needed to feel those emotions out...then it was ok. He freed her in so many ways that she couldn't even begin to comprehend it all. She knew suddenly, as their eyes met, the light in them dancing with delight, that she would do anything to make him happy, to make him laugh like this again. She would do anything to keep him safe and whole.
By the time they were able to catch their breath, they were rolled onto their sides on the ground, facing each other. The cascade of rain had washed a good amount of mud from their front, and they watched each other, still grinning like a couple of lovesick children. Their hands seeking each other out to clutch their fingers tight as she spoke without thought, "I want you too. I will always want you."
Link's expression was unmoved at first, as if it took a second for the words to land home. But when they did, his expression was stunned - lit with shock, then happiness, then heartbreaking relief. He closed his eyes as if to savor that moment, as if solidifying those words into his memory forever.
In response, Link only leaned forward to kiss her again, and again, and again.
Author's notes: I will admit, I've been struggling with how to transition smoothly into the next part of the story - and this week has been extremely busy for me so I hope ya'll enjoy some of this fluff combined with Kali's identity crisis as she struggles to fit back into her "normal" life. I will be traveling this weekend and also I'll be taking a trip from the 14th-19th to Louisiana (as I am newly vaccinated)
So I will be attempting to write another chapter for yall before we leave, but I'm unsure I can promise one. If not, I will be back on the writing as soon as I am back ^_^
Send thoughts and prayers for poor Galena - she's been a real MVP throughout this story LOL
If yall wanna keep up with my trip and stuff go ahead and follow me on instagram (kali .monsterr with no space cause i guess this format doesnt like my username ) or twitter (KaliMonsterrrr)