Disclaimer: All rights belong to the creators and writers of Julie and the Phantoms (2020). I take no credit, and I do not mean to break any copyright rules. This is simply a work of fiction made for enjoyment. No money is being made.
Rating: K+
Author's Note: *hides* sorry for the long wait...next chapter will be up next week, I promise!
Chapter 36
Getting up in the morning and going to school is a lot easier than Julie would have thought.
There's something about having a strict, unchanging schedule that keeps the human body going even when the mind and heart are left behind. Julie rises, heads downstairs for a bowl of cereal, brushes her teeth, and dresses without having a conscious thought. She doesn't even notice that she's put on the sweatshirt she borrowed from Alex and the beanie she borrowed from Luke all those weeks ago until she catches a glimpse of herself in the mirror. Her chest constricts, and she quickly looks away.
Her father seems surprised to see her ready to go to school, but he doesn't say anything. He simply squeezes her shoulder tightly and kisses her on the forehead before she walks out to the bus stop. Reggie and Carlos come with her, both unusually silent.
Julie can feel that she's on the edge. She felt this way when her mother died. Any little reminder might push her over and she knows she very well could end up in the office, sobbing. She's been there before. Still, she has to face the day. Hiding from the truth doesn't change it.
Sooner or later she'll have to move on. It's the way of life.
She claims her usual spot on the bus, and Reggie sits next to Carlos. The sight of that soothes her pain a little; at least they have each other.
When Flynn gets on the bus, she immediately pulls Julie into a hug. Julie holds her tightly, not wanting to let go. Thankfully Flynn doesn't ask any questions or make Julie talk about it.
"How did it go with your parents?" Julie asks when they pull away.
"They're a little upset, but it's not too bad. I didn't get in trouble other than getting a long lecture about responsibility and communication and all. Honestly, I think they're secretly pleased because they think Carrie and I made up and we're friends again."
"You did spend three days in the same building as her and neither of you are dead. If that's not at least somewhat making up, I don't know what is."
Flynn smiles. "True. I think things are going to be very different between us now."
Julie is organizing her lock and bookbag when Carrie approaches her. She's still wearing make-up and has her hair done, but her outfit is more casual than usual and she's not walking all high and mighty.
"Hey, Carrie. How are you doing?"
She gives Julie a side-eye look that Julie remembers from her childhood all too well. "How do you think?"
"That's fair," Julie admits. "How is Willie?"
"About the same. At least he has the distraction of discovering the modern world. He found an old skateboard in our garage and he's been spending a lot of time outside. All the house managers love him."
The one minute bell rings, and Carrie pushes away from the lockers. "Stop by sometime," she says. "It's a big house."
Julie's first few classes are miserable. Rumors have spread like wildfire, both about Trevor Wilson's sudden disappearance and that Julie, the boys, Nick, Carrie, and Flynn were with him before his disappearance and only half of them came back. The other students aren't even subtle about it; they talk about it when they're sitting right next to Julie. She does her best to tune it out, but she can't quite shut their voices out.
Even her teachers are giving her strange looks. It's a nightmare. Julie doesn't have the energy to pretend that everything is normal, which she knows only makes things worse. Whenever a student walks up to her, looking like they're about to ask her something, she gives them a tired glare and they quickly turn around.
She hates how vulnerable she feels. The only class she truly feels okay in is dance class, where she has both Nick and Flynn's support. They don't talk about what happened, but no one approaches them or tries to confirm any of the rumors. If anything, people avoid them like they're dangerous.
In music class, Mrs. Harrison calls Julie up for an on-the-spot playing quiz. Julie slowly walks to the piano and lifts the keylid. She stares at the piano keys. In her mind, all she can think about is Caleb forcing the boys to play for him and pained expressions on their faces. She yanks her hands back from the ivory keys and stands quickly.
"I'm - I'm sorry," she says, her voice shaking. "I can't."
She turns and flees. She finds an abandoned hallway and slides to the floor, sticking her head between her knees and breathing deeply. The pain doesn't pass, but the panic does.
In history class, they watch a movie. Julie is so out of it that she couldn't even say what movie it is, but it's about a group of soldiers deployed overseas on a nearly impossible mission. Most of them die and the remaining ones bring back folded flags for the spouses of their perished brothers-in-arms. Julie doesn't even realize she's crying until Nick leans over and offers her a mini-pack of tissues. She takes them gratefully and then buries herself deeper into Alex's hoodie.
Julie hustles to the bus stop after school, wanting to get away from all the strange looks people keep sending her. She watches as Flynn walks slowly towards her, her phone pressed to her ear and a strange look on her face.
The call is done by the time she reaches Julie, but the expression on her face hasn't changed.
"What is it?" Julie asks.
Flynn hesitates. "That was Andi Parker."
The name sounds familiar. It takes Julie a few seconds to recall where she's heard it before. "The agent from Destiny Management?"
Flynn nods. "Remember how Panic! At The Disco is playing the Orpheum this weekend?"
"Yeah."
"Well, apparently the lead singer from their opening band got in an accident and they had to cancel. The Orpheum reached out to her to find a replacement. She called us to see if we were available."
A week ago, Julie would have been unable to contain her excitement. Now, she can only feel bitterness at the irony of life.
Flynn sees the sour expression on her face and she reaches out. "Julie, don't be like that. You can still do it. This is a huge opportunity that you may never get again."
"I don't know if you forgot, Flynn, but I don't have a band anymore. Caleb stole them."
"You don't need a band to perform, Julie. But you have to do this."
She shakes her off. "No, I don't. And I don't see why I should. How can I ever play music again when all I can think about is Luke and Alex being forced to play for Caleb for all eternity or however long he decides to keep them?"
"Because they brought music back to you and they wouldn't want you to quit." Flynn motions with her arms, her voice passionate. "Julie, can't you see it? This is fate. The boys were supposed to play at the Orpheum the night they disappeared into the game. They never got the chance to do it. I think you're meant to play at the Orpheum, to finish what they never got to. If you can't do it for yourself, then do it for them."
Julie crosses her arms and turns away. She doesn't want to admit that Flynn is right. Luke and Alex didn't sacrifice themselves for her to waste her life mourning over them. If they ever found out she passed up on this opportunity, they'd be furious and disappointed with her.
"Let me think about it," she grudgingly says.
Flynn nods. "I told Andi I'll call her back tomorrow."
When Julie gets home, she heads straight to the studio. It's not just that playing music reminds her of the boys' suffering; it's the knowledge, deep down, that if she plays this gig without them, she'll be truly acknowledging that they're gone. She had them for such a short time before they were stolen from her. She isn't ready to let them go yet.
Julie finds Luke's songbook on the top of the piano. She sits on the couch - the couch that Luke loved so much for no real reason - and pages through it. She sees the jagged edge where she ripped out "Unsaid Emily" to give to his mom. She leafs through pages of songs that Trevor Wilson stole. She passes "Bright" and remembers the first time they played together. She pauses on "Edge of Great," the first song with both her and Luke's handwriting, and remembers their spectacular first performance as a band. When she sees "Finally Free" she can almost hear their laughter fill the studio as they struggled to read Luke's handwriting and botched up the words beyond sense.
The memories all start flooding in, good and bad alike, but mostly good. She remembers the boys who filled the void in her heart and brought music back to her. She remembers how they filled the studio with the same warmth that her mom did.
It all comes crashing down as Julie realizes that she'll never reclaim that feeling again. No one can ever replace what she's lost and she has no desire to even try.
If she plays the Orpheum, it will be the last time she plays.
A wave of grief and sorrow washes over her. The pain she's been avoiding slams into her and she doubles over, holding herself together. She cries the way Carrie did on the day they returned - loud, racking sobs that threaten to tear her apart from the inside out.
She hears the garage door open and she feels the couch sink on either side as she's joined by two others. She doesn't bother to look up through the haze of her tears; she knows without looking at that it's Reggie and Carlos.
They wrap their arms around her, helping to hold her together while she falls apart. Old and new grief alike wells up. She's not just mourning Luke and Alex or her mom, she's mourning over the life that could have been. There's so much she wanted to do with them. There's so much they could have done, so much that almost happened. Now it's all ashes drifting in the wind and once again she's the one left behind.
By the time the sobs fade away, Julie feels like a different person. She feels like the last vestiges of innocence have been wiped away. She's lost more in her sixteen years of life than most people have that are twice her age. There's a new weight to her shoulders, one that can't be removed, can only be adapted to.
By the time her dad calls them in the house for dinner, Julie has recovered herself. She's as exhausted and emotionally drained as when she exited the game, but this time there's an aura of peace and acceptance around her. Once again, her life is changing dramatically and nothing will ever be the same. But Julie's been through this before. Julie's walked through the fire and come out on the other end. She can do it again. She will do it again.
And this time she hasn't quite lost everything. She still has Reggie, and Willie, and her friendships with Nick and Carrie are stronger than before. She may be losing a lot, but she's also gained so much.
Her dad must sense her change in mood, because he dares a few questions about the game. Julie answers them as best as she can. Talking about the game is the easiest thing for her right now.
After they eat, her dad pulls her aside. "It's been a really tough year, Julie," he says. "We've lost a lot. If you feel like you need it, I can call Dr. Tanner and get you an appointment."
Julie shakes her head. "Thanks, Dad, but I think I'm going to be okay."
He reaches over and tucks a stray strand of hair behind her ear. "Are you sure, mija? I know how close you and - "
"I'll be okay," she repeats, cutting him off before he can finish.
She heads out to the studio and collects Luke's songbook. She brings it up to her room and sits on her bed, opening up a blank page. She clicks on the recording app on her phone and selects an untitled recording. On one of their songwriting days, she and Luke had created a melody but didn't have time to write lyrics for it. She plays that melody now.
The first time she listens to it, all she does is listen. She closes her eyes and listens to Luke's voice as he suggests something. In the recording, she laughs and shoots back a sarcastic comment before beginning to play. Luke jumps in with his guitar partway through the song.
It takes Julie a few minutes to compose herself again after it ends. She breathes deeply and wipes away the tear tracing its way down her face before sitting up straight and grabbing a pen. She plays the melody again, this time words coming to her mind.
She starts writing them down. A few words she crosses out and replaces as she goes over it again, but eventually she sits back and skims over what she's written. It's a good song, the kind of song only she and Luke could have written together.
It's the perfect song to play for the Orpheum. It's the perfect song to dedicate to the people she's lost. It mixes her grief and her determination together. It celebrates the past while moving forward.
At the very top, she scrawls the title: Stand Tall.