Chapter XXXIII Part 1: Hiding and Seeking

Sleep didn't do much for Ren. It only took him mere moments to surrender consciousness after practically collapsing onto his bed. Still, he woke up Saturday morning with a body full of leaden bones sinking him deeper into his blankets. But knowing this exhaustion wasn't any physical distress, he willed his arms to sluggishly lift his body from his mattress. He first noticed his coat and blazer on the floor, their appearance indicating how he tossed them so randomly the moment he walked in. They also reminded him how he had been drained of the will to even shower last night, making him scowl down at his uniform's wrinkled shirt and pants that he still wore. He then looked over at the other bed on the other side of the room. It looked untouched.

There was still no sign of Hao's return when Ren finished his shower. And their dorm was still empty even after he returned from breakfast. The young Tao wasn't in the least concerned with where his roommate was, but he was wary about having to see him again whenever he does get back—even more so knowing it can't be avoided. Being aware of that inevitability also meant he had to accept the fact that they shared a project that still needed to be finished. And as much as Ren felt inclined to ignore it, he was most of all aware of his idle time.

This was the first time in months since he was spending a weekend alone without any plans to go anywhere or see anyone—namely a certain blunette. And he needed a distraction from that text he still hasn't responded to. It's not that he didn't want to respond. He knew he should, he knew even more that they needed to talk after what he came back from yesterday. He just didn't know what to say. He didn't know where they'd end up at the end of that conversation. And he needed a distraction from that blaring awareness. And right now, all he had were his notes.

Common symbolic meanings of the dahlia include commitment and lasting bond. However, there are also negative symbolic meanings that include dishonesty and betrayal.

It was like being slapped across the face by an invisible hand. Except with words instead. They weren't his words but part of one of the sites he printed out at the library. He never believed in messages coming from any divine higher power and he wasn't about to start believing it now, especially if it came from the Internet. But that right there hit right into home if not too damn close to it. Even if it were purely coincidence, Ren couldn't stop himself from feeling like there was something at work. It worked on his nerves like sandpaper rubbing away the last bit of his patience.

He was driven by the impulse to get out of that dorm. He had to get out. Seeing Hao again may be inevitable but that didn't mean Ren owed him the courtesy to just wait for him. He needed to go somewhere he could breathe, somewhere he could think straight. He needed to get somewhere that wasn't this school. The urgency of that need pressed even harder against his brain as he sat among his chattering peers on the bus. He couldn't find Horokeu among them.

Ren's feet stopped the second he got out of the train station, taken over by what he stepped out into. The school overwhelmed him in its isolating entrapment but here, he was exposed to an open compass. He could go anywhere. It was an entirely different sort of isolation. Nothing like the one he just escaped from. There was always somewhere to go when he was with Horokeu. Now that free rein left him stranded with nowhere to go. But he had to go somewhere.

And he did. To the only place he could be alone, the only place he knew he won't be chased out by the loneliness. When he opened the door he was greeted by the usual dim emptiness. The house was nowhere near the size of the Tao manor back in China but it still held within it the familiar chilling quiet, the same one that can only come from an empty home. He wondered if he wasn't supposed to think it wasn't awful, if he was supposed to sense a sort of comfort in it.

Ren didn't even notice the rain until lightning lit up the darkened sky right before thunder demanded his acknowledgment. And for the first time the pouring shower against the world outside the windows reached Ren's ears and cocooned him in deeper contemplation. He didn't know how much time passed but he knew he couldn't stay here forever. He knows he can't keep avoiding him. But his mind was a blank piece of paper crumpled up into a ball. Too many creases and folds needed to be smoothed out before he could even begin to draw out a plan on the blank sheet. Somehow he had to figure out how he can make the best out of the mess he was. Because sure, he can tell Horokeu about what Hao did, how what he saw at the greenhouse was all a scheme played out for whatever sick amusement that he still didn't care to understand. But then what? What does he say after that? What would Horokeu say? Does that actually change his mind about what he said to Ren before leaving him there? Will anything change?

The sky shattered again in a loud flash, but that wasn't why Ren jolted in his chair. He picked up his phone and peered at its lit up screen. His breath caught in his throat but he shoved the rising panic down, along with the immediate impulse to decline the call.

"...Hello?"

"Ren?" Seeing his name on the screen wasn't enough to prepare him—hearing Horokeu's voice in his ear made his heart stumble. "Sorry. I tried going to your dorm but Hao was the only one there."

"Yeah," Ren nodded while wondering why the other apologized. "I'm at my sister's."

"Ok, good." Ren chewed the inside of his cheek. He didn't think Horokeu would actually try to look for him. He didn't expect him to still try to reach out when Ren couldn't even respond to a text. If he knew the blunette would come to him, he would have prepared himself to suggest another place to meet him. Somewhere else they can talk in discretion. Because while his current location should be ideal, he can't forget how they kept each other company the last couple of times they were here... Wait, what did he mean by 'good'?

The doorbell made Ren jump. Only a few seconds went by while his thoughts were rambling to figure out where else he could meet Horokeu. The bell's uncanny timing gave him reason to be hesitant about getting up from his seat. But for that same reason he couldn't ignore it.

"...Hey." Horokeu's smile was stiff with uncertainty. "Sorry for just showing up like this." Ren probably should have been prepared but he wasn't. He didn't know what to call the sensation that came with seeing the Ainu standing there when he opened the door.

"How'd you know I'd be here?"

"I don't know, I just guessed...It was all I could think of." Ren nodded to Horokeu's honesty while holding back the heat creeping to his cheeks. He wondered if this was how Horokeu felt when he found him at the greenhouse when the blunette thought no one would. Like Horokeu had revealed his hiding place to Ren, Ren had already given away where he would go to hide from the world.

The sky lit up again, pulling the two out of their subtle moment with a bright clash. Ren blinked at Horokeu, his eyes shifting their amber focus to his blue locks that drooped heavily with dampness. He then realized the clear beads clinging to his face and rolling down from his head wasn't sweat. His careful survey continued to move down to his clothes, observing the dark spots where the rain hit. Which was just about all of it. And then he wondered how he didn't notice the absence of an umbrella. Ren clicked his tongue and grabbed Horokeu's elbow, ignoring the startled sound the blunette made as he was yanked inside.

"You came here walking in the rain?" Ren hissed while closing and locking the door, not bothering to hold back the irritation in his tone.

"Hey, the rain happened out of nowhere." Horokeu argued back but Ren scowled at his wet nose.

"Why didn't you use a taxi?"

"I just wanted to walk this time." Horokeu shrugged, not intending to mention that the walk was so he can give himself enough time to prepare for when he sees Ren. "It was nice out at first. Or what, did you see the rain coming?"

"...Come on, baka Horo." Ren sighed, only slightly aware of how obvious it was that he just didn't want to admit that the answer was a 'no'. Horokeu just chuckled and followed him down the hall until the smaller male brought him to the laundry room. Ren opened the dryer and was careful not to let his eyes avert from the machine as pieces of clothes were tossed in one by one, making him all the more aware of the body below the discarded layers. And when the garments stopped coming he moved in front of the machine, facing his back to the stripped boy.

"Go wait while I get you a towel and something to wear." Ren said while closing the lid, the buttons beeping as he punched in the settings.

"Thanks." Horokeu said and Ren listened to his bare feet step out of the room. The younger teen loosed a barely audible breath when the footsteps faded down the hall. He prayed that his face wasn't flushed, that his heart would stop being so loud by the time he found something for the other.

"Were you drinking?" The question from down the hall caused Ren to go still for a split second. He stepped out of the laundry room and his slow strides came to a stop at the dining room. He leaned into the threshold, hiding his cringe behind his monotone front. The blunette was standing next to the dining table, holding something Ren forgot about when he was surprised by his visit. Horokeu looked at the silent other, and set the wine glass back down on the table where Ren knew he found it. He could already tell from where he stood that it lured the blunette's curiosity here instead of the living room where he assumed the Ainu would've gone to wait for him like he asked. But he left the wine glass out in the open where he could see it, where he'd find it to catch his eye and beckon for him. Ren eyed the thin sheen of burgundy still coated on the inner surface of the empty glass, knowing Horokeu couldn't ignore it either, and then slid his gaze back to the waiting blunette. The Ainu just waited for an answer to his question, the midnight gazing back curious but nowhere near judging. It still made Ren wonder why he allowed himself to be so careless.

"...Remember that time when you asked if there's any beer?"

"You mean that time you made a stupid big deal about me drinking?" Ren rolled his eyes at Horokeu's sarcasm.

"My sister doesn't care much for beer. But she has a wine cellar."

"So that gives you an excuse to be a hypocrite?"

Today was an exception. Ren wanted to say but instead, he pretended he didn't even hear the question. After all, he didn't want Horokeu to next ask him why today was an exception. Because Ren didn't want to admit that he wanted the wine to help him. He didn't want to tell him that he hoped the wine would relax him enough to make it easier to talk to the blunette. He wasn't getting anywhere trying to figure out a conversation that wasn't even starting because he kept avoiding it. So he wanted the wine to at least help him find the nerve to call him. Horokeu beat him to it but only after he had seek help from one of his sister's bottles. And now he didn't know if it was the wine that was getting his skin so warm—or seeing Horokeu stripped down to just his boxer shorts.

Ren didn't say anything as he walked over to the blue-haired boy. His lithe arms reached out to hold the taller male's face in his hands and pulled it closer to his. Horokeu's slightly agape lips weren't given a chance to say anything as they were overlapped by the other's mouth. Horokeu blinked at the kiss he was not prepared for but closed his eyes and easily returned it like a sort of reflex to the familiarity.

While their lips rubbed against each other, Ren moved his hands down to Horokeu's shoulders and gave a slight push, and the blunette felt the chair behind him. Horokeu didn't fight the command as his head already started fogging up from the heat their lips were building. He dropped into the chair, and opened his eyes again as that broke their kiss. He didn't know what he was seeing in those heavily lidded cat-like eyes lazily staring down on him. But Ren held his unsure onyx gaze like he was binding him to the chair. Distracting him while he moved in closer, and lowered himself to sit straddled down on the Ainu's lap.

While his alluring gaze still held Horokeu, his arms slid around his neck to lean in. Horokeu's eyes fluttered closed as Ren tilt his head ever so slightly, the same reflex opening his mouth to allow the younger one's tongue to slip in. Hands cool and damp from the rain swept under Ren's vest and the smaller one shuddered against them as they pressed on his back. Ren slid his hands down Horokeu's neck, grazed his nails down his chest, and reached even lower until he was tracing the hem of the blunette's boxers.

"Ren." Amber eyes snapped open when Horokeu pulled out of the kiss to say his name. Almost at the same time, his hands moved from his back to grab his hands, swiftly pulling them away before they could reach in below the only garment he was wearing. The addressed male blinked at him. All the confusion compressed into one word.

"...What?"

"M-Maybe we should... wait." The hesitating stammer only added to the confusion.

"Wait for what?"

"You know..." Horokeu's eyes shifted to the side at the empty wine glass on the table and carefully added, "until you sober up."

"I didn't drink that much." Ren snapped but frowned when Horokeu let out a small laugh.

"I'm just saying, you're really into it today." Ren tried not to let his frown deepen. While a series of events on a certain night during and after a party was crossing through Horokeu's mind, Ren was taken back to just one much more recent event.

So it's not ok if I'm a little into it but you're ok with that slut getting all over you.

Maybe it was the position they were in, how it was so similar to what he witnessed at that greenhouse. And reminding him the particular scene also reminded him of what it caused internally and now it was once again vying through his veins and churning everything inside. It was like choking on a thick, ugly smoke rising from a poisonous flame he didn't put out quite completely. But Ren didn't gag or even seethe at the biting resentment. In fact, nothing seemed to pass over his calm features as he remained sitting in Horokeu's lap. Horokeu took that as a sign that he can release his wrists. Ren didn't say anything. He just took Horokeu's face into his hands and kissed him again. But this time he made sure it was soft, deep, lasting. He made sure it was convincing enough that Horokeu would want to savor it. And as if that made him forget what he just suggested seconds ago, he placed his hands at Ren's sides and let them slide down. They stopped at his bottom and cupped the cheeks. Ren had to be the one to break the kiss this time. His amber eyes shifted to take one short glance at the belt on the table. Horokeu didn't miss it and looked at it too. It was the one from the Ainu's jeans that are currently being dried.

"You wanna try something?" As he remained leaned in, Ren spoke from a distance that made every word felt in a flutter of breath on Horokeku's lips. "Or do you still want to wait?"