A/N: Finally, finally, finally. Their first couple's therapy session. We've ALL been waiting!

Chapter 35

Ana

It's no surprise that Christian was able to get an appointment with Dr. Eric Hughes within a week of calling. The last name Grey will do that. We've spoken here and there, but I haven't actually seen him since last week, the night of Teddy's party. It hasn't been entirely intentional, as I've had album things to do, but I admit that avoiding him has been helpful in coping with my nerves for the first session. Plus, I honestly feel overwhelmed with the amount of interaction we've had lately. When I'm around him, it's hard to control my feelings, and I've already taken things further than I should. Time and time again. Keep your lips to yourself.

I discussed my jitters with Catherine, and we decided that the most important goal for me to aim for in these sessions is honesty. No more half-truths, no more blowing off questions, no more sugar-coating. If Christian and I have any hope of salvaging any sort of relationship, the truth has to be out there.

I don't know exactly why the thought of being honest with my husband makes me sweat bullets, but here we are.

I've been trying to give the reasons for my nerves a name, a Catherine-ism that is rubbing off on me. I've been able to nail down that it probably has a lot to do with the fact that even though I don't expect us to get back together, there is some part of me, and maybe a pretty large part, that wishes we could. But am I more afraid that my assumption that we're beyond help is confirmed, or that we might give it another shot, and I potentially get hurt again?

I have reached no concrete conclusions there. All I know is that as I walk into the office building the morning of our first appointment, I feel like a colony of butterflies is living in my stomach. Then again, we only have about four weeks left in our separation agreement, so it's now or never.

The elevator climbs and I find the office room number all on autopilot, arriving with two minutes to spare. I hit the brakes when I walk in and see Christian sitting in the waiting room. Why is this a surprise? You're literally here together!

He gives me a smile, and if I'm not mistaken, it's a nervous one. "Hi."

"Hi." I debate whether to sit next to him or across the room, but fuck it, we're still married on paper, so I take the chair beside him.

He tentatively reaches out and takes my hand, which actually brings me comfort. I give his a squeeze to let him know it's okay. "How are you feeling?" he asks.

I snort a laugh. "In general or about this?"

He smirks. "Both."

"Nervous on every level. You?"

"Me too."

Just then, a door opens, and a man and a woman exit the office area. They both look serene and have small smiles on their faces. Wow. Will that be us?

The woman gives us a glance, which turns into a gape as she seems to recognize us. "Holy shit," she mutters under her breath.

She gives the man a light smack and he looks at us, then rolls his eyes and leads her towards the door. "They're just people, Abby," he mutters.

Christian and I exchange a glance as they leave the waiting area and share a snicker. "Keep your eyes in your head, Abby," he whispers. I'm still laughing as the same door they just came from reopens and a well-dressed man, probably in his early to mid-forties, steps out with a warm smile.

"Mr. and Mrs. Grey?" he asks.

We both nod and he gestures for us to enter. The office is all in neutral colors, mostly grey. Fitting. It evokes a light, calming aura. We take a seat on the black leather couch. I keep some space in between us, but we're not on completely opposite sides.

He takes a seat across from us, bringing a relatively thick folder with him. "Welcome. I'm Dr. Hughes, but please feel free to call me Eric. May I ask how each of you would like to be addressed?"

He looks at me first. "Ana is fine."

"Christian."

He smiles and makes a note. "Very well, thank you. Before we officially begin, I want to explain to you the approach that I take when working with couples. If you have any questions as we go, feel free to jump in." He looks at us for confirmation and again, we both nod. "My goal is to observe and help you understand how you interact and communicate with each other, navigate conflicts and any tensions, and help you decide what kind of relationship is best for you going forward. I have write-ups on you from both of your therapists, which helps me to understand you as individuals, and after this first session, I will schedule one individual session with each of you to go over that in more detail. But as a whole, the client here is the relationship. The goal is not to change either of you or decide who's right or wrong, but to simply explore and hopefully land in a healthier place at the end of this. Of course, this requires open and honest communication, and I hope that you think of this as a safe space to share your thoughts. This is a neutral ground. Finally, congratulations on taking this step. Just by being here, you have communicated the message to each other that your relationship is worth this time and effort. Any questions, or are we ready to begin?"

He looks to Christian first this time. "I'm ready."

And then me. "No questions."

"Wonderful. Now, I'd like to start by hearing from each of you what you think your relationship needs work on, as it is today. Imagine that the relationship is a third entity sitting in the room with us. Christian, why don't we start with you?"

He clears his throat. "I think that… our relationship needs a stronger foundation. Better communication and trust, so that we can move forward."

Eric nods and jots something down. "And you, Ana?"

I'm a bit surprised by the eloquence of Christian's answer, but I try to be straightforward with mine. "I think that we need to re-evaluate what type of relationship is best for us in the present."

Another note in the notepad. "Now, I'd like for you each to name your goals out of this. These may change, but it helps me see where we are at baseline. Ana?"

"My goal is to reach whatever outcome is healthiest for us, whether that means divorcing or trying again."

"Christian?"

I glance over at him and he seems paler than usual. "My goal is to rebuild our marriage to a better place than it was before."

"Right. Thank you for sharing those. Now, from your files, I have some idea of your history as a couple, but I'd like to get some background in your own words. Christian, can you tell me how you met?"

"Ana interviewed me for her university's student newspaper."

"Ana, what was your first impression of Christian?"

"I thought he was intimidating and arrogant, but interesting." There's a beat of silence as Eric takes down a note. "And really, really hot," I add quietly.

This successfully gets a smile out of Christian, which I'm glad for after the stark differences in our goal-setting. "Thank you, Ana," Eric chuckles. "Christian, what was your first impression of Ana?"

"I found her intriguing, more so than anyone else I'd ever met, witty, and beautiful inside and out. And… more than a little frustrating."

"And Christian, can you describe how your relationship eventually became romantic?"

"As you're undoubtedly aware from your file on me, I was a Dominant. I initially wanted Ana as a submissive. I had never had romantic feelings for another person, but from the beginning, my feelings for her were different, before I even knew what it meant." I see in my periphery that he runs a hand through his hair. "It took her leaving me to realize that I was in love with her."

"And how long were you together before she left?"

"A few weeks."

"Ana, can you explain why you left Christian?"

My chest feels heavy at the memory of that time. Not unlike other recent memories… "I felt that I couldn't give him what he needed and that I was only hurting myself trying to. And I was in love with him, and I didn't believe it was mutual."

"And tell me, how did you come to reconcile?"

"He sent me an email asking if I needed a ride to an event. I said yes. We went to dinner and he said that he wanted us to try a… traditional relationship."

"Christian, what made you arrive at that conclusion?"

"I missed her terribly. I spoke with my therapist and he helped me to realize that if I wanted her in my life, I had to make sacrifices." I flinch at his terminology.

"So, you saw this new relationship with Ana as a sacrifice?"

"No!" He quickly turns towards me, but I keep my gaze in my lap. "No, I just meant that I'd never tried it any other way and I didn't know what I was doing, so I was stepping out of my comfort zone. But even having a shot at being with her was worth it."

"Thank you for clarifying, Christian. Ana, what did you make of this change?"

"Um… I remember being puzzled at how quickly he changed his mind, but I tried not to think about it too much because I really wanted it."

"You avoided thinking about it because…?"

"I guess I just decided to live in the moment and hope for the best."

He nods in acknowledgement. "Christian, how did this new type of relationship make you feel?"

"I worried about doing it wrong, but… it felt so natural. I wanted her with me all the time. I never questioned that it was the right decision for me. She brought me to life." I feel tears forming in my eyes and I try to manifest them away. Not in the first session. Good God.

"And it was noted in both of your files that your romantic relationship didn't last very long before it progressed to marriage. Christian, what made you decide to propose?"

"I loved her. I wanted her by my side forever. I knew it would never change. So, I didn't see a reason to wait."

I feel bitterness stirring inside of me at his words. If he wanted you so much, why did he leave you?

"Ana, how did you take this?"

"I…" I draw in a slow breath. This will go nowhere unless you're honest. "I felt the same way, but I had concerns."

"Such as?"

"We hardly knew each other. I still felt like… like it had an expiration date. It just… it made no sense that he picked me. I wondered when he would realize that. And I only wanted to get married once, so I wanted to get it right."

"Was there ever a point where you felt like your fears that this union was premature were confirmed?"

Oh, great. Go ahead and ask the one I don't want to answer. "Once." I can feel Christian tense all the way on the other side of the couch. It's like the air around us changes.

"Do you feel comfortable naming the time?"

Be honest. Be honest. Be honest. "When I found out I was pregnant for the first time."

Christian releases an exhale like someone punched him in the chest. I close my eyes, but I fear that I'm losing the battle with my tears.

"Christian, do you have any idea why Ana would say that?"

There's a few beats of silence and I hear him take a few deep breaths. "I reacted despicably to the news that we were becoming parents."

"Ana… could you describe your memory of this event?"

"How is this helpful?" I blurt. We're not even a full session in and this is already hurting us both.

"I'm getting the feeling that this is a taboo topic. Perhaps getting it out in the open will make room for healing. Christian, is this okay with you?"

I finally take a glance at him. His eyes are closed, and when he opens them, he looks at me, his expression raw. "Yes. I should know."

"Please, if you're comfortable, Ana, describe this time."

I sigh heavily. "I found out while I was at work. My assistant had been rescheduling appointments with my gynecologist for a few weeks and didn't tell me. I ran into her, she told me of my missed appointments, we went back to her office, she did a test, and it was positive. I was on the birth control shot and it had apparently either failed or run out early."

"How did you feel about this news?"

"I was monumentally freaked out, but… hopeful. And I was a complete goner when I saw the first sonogram." This memory warms my heart. I still have it framed.

"And what happened when you told Christian?"

I keep my gaze locked on my hands folded in my lap. "I worried all day about telling him. We had discussed kids, but… barely. And only in the abstract. It was assumed that it would be years in the future. I guess that my poker face wasn't very good, because he could tell something was wrong, and when he finally demanded to know, I told him. He… asked how I could forget my shot, how I could be so stupid… said he wasn't ready to be a father… then said 'fuck this' and left."

"Christian, do you feel this matches your memory of the event?"

"Yes," he says in a small voice.

"What was happening in your mind at that moment?"

"Blind panic. I was so afraid that I would fuck up any child I had for life. I thought I at least had a few years to adjust to the idea and maybe try to prevent that from happening. I wished I could take it all back almost the moment I left, but it felt like there was no going back."

"And this pregnancy… did you decide to continue it?"

He looks back and forth between us, his gaze finally landing on me. "He just turned five," I supply.

"Ah. Are there any other children?" He looks to Christian.

"We also have a two-and-a-half-year-old daughter."

"So, describe to me how you reached a resolution. Ana?"

"Um… I was kidnapped."

For the first time, Eric's polite mask shifts and his eyebrows raise. "Forgive me. There mention of an abduction and assault in your file, Ana, but I didn't realize it was in the midst of this conflict. Christian, is Ana correct that that's what made you change your mind about the child?"

"Not exactly. I had begun to come around to it before… that happened." He seems to choke on his words. "We were barely speaking, and it was unbearable. I missed her, and I wanted to believe that we could get through anything. Plus, we had months to figure it out. It was a shock, but… I thought maybe we could all figure it out together, as a little family."

At this statement, I officially lose the battle with my tears. I try to flick them away before anyone notices. "You seem to have been under a different impression, Ana. Did you feel that Christian wanted the child?"

I sniffle quietly. "Yes, but…" I struggle with how to phrase my thoughts as my subconscious continues to scream the word 'honesty' at me.

"Take your time, Ana," Eric says gently.

I take a deep, calming breath. "I felt like I trapped him. We'd known each other for a total of four months before we were married and having a baby. He went from never wanting a romantic relationship to the full picket fence in less than six months. It was so fast, and now if he ever wanted to leave me, it had just become a lot more complicated. And that's not how I imagined I would feel when I thought about having my first child with my husband. I didn't blame him for reacting like that, I still don't, I just… I hated feeling like an obligation. It felt like after the kidnapping, he was almost forced into accepting all of it."

There's silence except for the scratching of Eric's pen. "Christian, would you like to respond to that?"

"Ana," he says softly. I look up at him, and he's gazing at me sincerely. I can see pain in the tightness around his eyes. "You didn't trap me. You saved me. You weren't an obligation; you were a privilege, a gift. Both of you. You fulfilled dreams I never dared to have. Even if you hadn't been kidnapped, I would have stayed with you. No matter the timing, I know now that he was meant to be ours. You have every right not to forgive me for my first reaction to hearing what should have been the best news of my life, but… did I make you feel like an obligation? Even after we got home?"

His voice is tight, betraying his pain. The tears start back up again, and I don't bother to wipe them. "No, you didn't make me feel like that, Christian. It was nothing you did. I mean, I could tell you were scared, but so was I. I do forgive you for your reaction, I did a long time ago, I just… I couldn't forget it. I never understood why out of all the women you've been with, you picked me. I guess this version of the story made sense in my head. I couldn't imagine that you would voluntarily choose me."

"Ana," he gasps. "You are the best decision I've ever made. I would choose you every day, again and again. I don't even know if I can say that it was a decision, because once I had you, there was no other option."

But there was. We lived it for a year.

The intrusive voice shatters the moment. "If there was no other option, would we even be here?" The words are out before I can think better of them, the heartache and confusion of the cognitive dissonance between his words and his actions taking over. I close my eyes again before I can witness his reaction.

"Ana, Christian," Eric interjects. "Let's take a step back. It seems that we're entering new territory. We've gone over some of the history of the beginning of your relationship, which clearly had some conflicts, but you made it this far. Let's… return to the present. Ana, could you tell me what brought you two to seek counseling at this time?"

I keep my eyes closed and my hand finds its way up to my forehead, rubbing at the budding headache. "Christian spent about a year absent from our lives. Our being me and our children."

"Absent how?"

"Physically… emotionally."

"Christian, is this your experience?"

"Yes. But to me, we're here so I can fully explain and begin to make amends for that time."

"I see." He glances at the clock. "We are just about out of time for this session. I say for the individual sessions, we dive into this further with each of you, then meet back up to discuss what needs to be discussed as a couple. I will contact both of you for your availability. Any questions or final thoughts?"

We're both silent for about five seconds. "Well, then, I thank you for your honesty and vulnerability today, both of you. I look forward to seeing you again." He stands at the door as we leave and gives us each a cordial smile and nod. I exit first and practically sprint to the door.

Moving quickly feels good after the assault of buried emotions that hit me like a wrecking ball during that very long hour. I've just made it to the elevator when I hear hurried footsteps behind me. "Ana!"

Christian has already caught up to me. Was that even any effort? Damn him and his Herculean stamina. He searches my face for a few seconds with frenzied eyes, then almost imperceptibly sighs. "Where's Sawyer?"

"Downstairs."

He purses his lips. "It worries me when you're unattended."

"I'm not. He's downstairs."

"You were in the hall and elevator alone," he snaps.

"Really? This is what you want to do right now? Can we save the fighting for in there?"

His eyes widen momentarily, then his face falls. "We weren't fighting. We were communicating."

"That's how we communicate. We either fight, or we just don't."

The elevator finally dings its arrival and opens to reveal a completely empty car. Jesus Christ. This is all I need right now. We both step in and I purposefully put several feet of distance between us.

I can feel his gaze on me, but where it used to feel heated, it just feels imploring now. "Ana…"

"Don't," I plead. "I'm sorry. I don't want to argue. That was just a lot."

"It was a lot," he murmurs.

"I told myself I'd be honest, but honesty really fucking hurts. I don't want to hurt you."

"Ana." His voice is soft but firm. I look over and he's holding out a hand. I stare at it for a few seconds, then cave and place mine in his. He rubs circles on the back of it with his thumb. "It hurts me more to be in the dark. I need your honesty, no matter how brutal it is. We need this."

His words compel me to look at him. I can't help but feel like there are more layers to that comment than we just covered in the last hour, and it makes me uneasy. Meanwhile, the same familiar voice is whispering in my ear. He won't like you if you're honest. It's too much. You're too much.

The elevator finally arrives in the lobby, where both Sawyer and Taylor are seated. They both rise as they see us. I just want to get out of here, and I start to walk towards Sawyer as Christian interjects.

"Taylor, Sawyer, give us a moment."

Oh, great. They both mumble a 'yes, sir' and discreetly move down the hall in the direction of the parking garage.

I whirl around and face him. "I thought I wasn't supposed to be unattended?"

"You're not. You're with me."

Funny, because I feel alone when I'm with you. "You're not a CPO."

"Try me. I'll kill anyone who tries to get near you."

I laugh in surprise, but honestly, I doubt he's joking. "I have to go somewhere. What is it?"

His face goes from playful to vulnerable in an instant. "Please don't quit."

"What?"

"Our joint therapy. Please don't quit. I can fix this, please let me try."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why would I quit?"

"You said that it hurt," he whispers.

I'm suddenly filled with guilt. At first, I wonder how he could think I would just walk away, but the reality is, I've been sending him mixed messages and acting on impulse for weeks. Kiss and run. No wonder he doesn't know which way is up. "It does. It will. But you're right, we need it. Even if we don't stay together, our kids deserve two parents who can be in a room together. We need to get all this out if we want to be able to do that with no ghosts." He looks at me with wide eyes, seeming frozen to the spot, so I continue. "Christian… you can't believe that this is entirely your fault. It takes two to tango. This isn't just up to you to fix. No matter what I say in the heat of the moment, I know that I failed you in a lot of ways too. I must have." He opens his mouth and I step forward and grab his hand. "Don't deny it. You're very strong, I know, but you're not strong enough to have all of this on your shoulders. I won't quit. We're doing this."

He lets out a long exhale, and I think he was holding his breath. "We're doing this," he repeats.

I give the hand I'm still holding a squeeze. "Come on. Attend me to the parking lot."

He finally laughs and shakes his head. "You are as smart-mouthed as ever, Miss Steele." He keeps my hand as we start to follow in the direction Sawyer and Taylor had gone. "Please never lose it," he adds quietly.

"No chance of that, Mr. Grey."

A/N: A lot of you have asked if I'm a psychologist. I'm not. I've taken some advanced psychology classes for fun and also had therapy, so I know some of what happens there. I have to do more research for Flynn and Christian cause I've never had his approach done on me. I just try my best to be realistic, but please don't take this as therapy.

Same thing, I did research on couples counseling and I tried to replicate what I believe an initial session for them would be. It wasn't that easy because most of the articles I read said that conflicts were things like dividing chores, balancing work and family, learning how to communicate their needs... no mention of year-long mental health crises and emotional constipation. So, that's why their initial session might have seemed like it escalated quickly. Their problems aren't simple.

It was kind of cathartic to write this after all these chapters of secrets between them. And it's only the beginning. I'd say if you're going to share your thoughts on any chapter, this is an important one. Thank you for reading, as always.