When I opened to door to Grimmauld Place at two in the morning, I noticed the lights were still on. I resigned myself to fate, knowing full well that Sirius and Remus would be waiting up to scold me.

As I walked down to the kitchen, I didn't hear voices or movement. In fact, it was completely silent. When I reached the door and pushed it open, I opened my mouth to begin the apology tour, but promptly shut it when I saw who sat before me.

"Hello, Miss Malfoy. Did you have a nice evening?"

I closed my eyes and fell back against the doorframe. Of all people, this had to be worse than a scolding from Remus and Sirius.

"Good evening, Professor Dumbledore."

"Ah, I think 'good morning' would be more proper, as it is half past two," he replied. His eyes twinkled behind the half-moon glasses, but I could tell he was angry. Whatever was coming my way was going to worse than anything I expected.

"Professor, I know I have no excuse- "

"Miss Malfoy, you don't need to make your excuses to me. Sirius and Remus are fast asleep, and while you did not tell anyone about this evening's excursion into London, I do have my ways of knowing where you are. Members of the Order, myself included, kept a close eye on you this evening. I must say that Julius Gray character runs a rather interesting pub. If only I'd known it existed before tonight."

I chuckled a tiny bit. Maybe Dumbledore's lecture wouldn't be so bad.

"Nevertheless, Miss Malfoy, I meant it when you didn't have to make your excuses to me. I've brought someone with me who…may need more convincing that you should be forgiven for your indiscretion."

"Who might that be?" I asked.

"Me," a voice said behind me.

I turned around and my stomach dropped. My skin turned from warm to bone-chillingly cold and I saw stars behind my eyes. This wouldn't be nearly as bad as a lecture from Dumbledore – this would be far worse.

"Tonks, I'm so, so sorry."

"Albus, can you leave us?" she snapped. Dumbledore nodded and stood up to go, leaving Tonks and I alone. Before this moment, I thought that disappointing Dumbledore would be the worst thing I could do. Now, with Tonks standing before me, face and hair a fiery red, I knew I'd had it all wrong.

"I'm not sitting down because I'm not staying," she continued. "Imagine my surprise when Dumbledore shows up in my living room saying he needs me to do a secret, special mission tonight. Mission being keeping an eye on my cousin because she didn't tell anyone she was going out with her friends and was out until the wee hours of the morning without a guard!"

"Tonks, I know it looks bad- "

"Cass, I love you, but I don't think you do!" she exclaimed, her face hardening with each word. "I can smell the firewhiskey on your clothes. How do I know you didn't let our location slip out between drinks?"

"Tonks, I swear to you I didn't, I promise- "

"Can you prove that?" she snapped.

I stared at her, taken aback. I never thought Tonks would ever openly distrust me like this, but we'd never had a fight, or even argument, of this magnitude. I wandered into the kitchen and opened the cupboard where I kept all household potions. I grabbed a tiny green vial and uncorked it, turning back to face my cousin.

"I can prove it," I said, holding up the vial to toast. "Ask me again, will you?

"Cass, I know you know how to resist that stuff!"

"Tonks, I can choose when I want to shield my mind. Considering the altered mental state I'm in now, I'm in no place to be practicing Occlumency. Ask me."

"Did you reveal our location or any information about the Order of the Phoenix to your friends?" she asked, the tone of her voice lower and sterner in complete Auror mode.

I pressed the vial of Veritaserum to my lips and downed the entire thing, the ice-cold liquid coursing through my veins. Suddenly, my throat and brain felt ice cold. I could feel the effects kicking in just as quickly as I'd swallowed.

"I did not," I said, my voice sounding faraway and detached from my body. "I revealed nothing about the Order of the Phoenix to my friends tonight."

"Did you say anything about the whereabouts of Sirius Black?"

"I did not."

"And did you reveal anything about the operations of the Order of the Phoenix, any of your missions, or the missions of others in our organization?"

"I did not."

Tonks stared at me again, gave a short nod, and retreated toward the door. I followed her like a puppy begging for its owner's forgiveness, knowing that I probably wasn't going to get it.

"Tonks, I really am sorry. I know it was stupid and reckless and I…it was a mistake, and I won't do it again, I swear."

She loosened her grip on the doorknob, then turned to face me.

"You're lucky Dumbledore asked me and not anybody else," she said, her voice low and almost menacing. "They would've thrown you out on your arse the minute you walked through that door and you'd be back where I found you."

"You're right! I would be! Which is why- "

"Which is why this stays between Dumbledore, you, and I. He told Sirius and Remus that you'd be out and that someone would be with you, so you don't have to deal with them. I'm not going to tell Moody either and get you thrown out of the Order and out of this house," she said, closing her eyes exasperatedly. "But the sneaking out, the going out without guards? It has to stop, Cass. You can't keep doing this and expect everything to not descend into chaos when you do. Sturgis is still stuck in Azkaban, and as much as you don't want to admit it, that could just as easily be you, if you keep breaking the rules – rules that we all put in place to keep you safe! Not to mention the fact that, at the end of the day, Kingsley and Emmeline and Hestia and Dumbledore, and even I, have better things to do than babysit you every weekend!"

"I know, but I can't help the fact that- "

"For Merlin's sake, you can't blame everything on you being a teenager!" she exploded. "I was in Auror training when I was your age! I was focused and serious, and there was no impending war back then. Things are different now, and I know you'd like to think Dumbledore made you join up, but you said yes. You're the one who made the choice. You don't get to pick and choose which bits of the Order you want to participate in. You've got to be all in, Cass. Otherwise…"

Her voice faltered. Her lip trembled, and immediately I wanted the decrepit floors of Grimmauld Place to open and swallow me whole. I could handle disappointing Dumbledore, or even Remus and Sirius, but I couldn't live with disappointing my cousin and sister.

"Tonks- "

"Goodnight, Cass," she said flatly, before opening the door and slipping out. Before I could run out after her, I hear the whoosh! of disapparating, and my cousin was gone. Instead, I leaned against the door (rotting wood be damned), sank to the ground, and cried.

Dear Freddie,

How are you? This is the third letter I've sent – I'm not sure if you got the last two, but just wanted to know if you're doing alright. I've been thinking about our day in Hogsmeade and…well, I just want you to tell me if you're okay. Even the two words 'I'm alive' would suffice. You're sort of scaring me.

I love you.

C.I.M

Time passed slowly.

I didn't see Clo or Francis since our night out, Tonks and I still weren't speaking, and I hadn't heard from Fred in weeks. I went to work, came home, and confined myself to the house as much as possible. I was punishing myself for what had happened between Tonks and I, and no matter how hard I tried to rationalize or justify my rule breaking, I always ended up feeling like I deserved everything I got.

My last letter to Fred had gone unnoticed and without a response. While I was certain there was some sort of crackdown going on at Hogwarts (that horrid Defense professor, Dolores Umbridge, had been given the title of 'Hogwarts High Inquisitor,' whatever the bloody hell that meant), I was even more alarmed due to his strange behavior during the day in Hogsmeade.

From what I understood from Sirius, who'd spoken to the three of them recently, Harry, Ron, and Hermione's secret Defense society was just getting started. It was about thirty students strong – across Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, and Hufflepuff – and were being taught defensive spells under the tutelage of Harry himself. I was impressed, but a touch worried for their safety in case they were found out. That Umbridge woman sounded like she loved discipline in all its horrid forms.

I also couldn't help but feel like I had to choose between my friends and my duties to the Order. Amid my overthinking and rationalizations, I tried to tell myself that surely other members of the Order had friend and social lives, that surely not every waking moment was dedicated to the anti-Voldemort cause. Then, I remembered that Moody lived alone, Dumbledore and Snape were off teaching, Tonks never really had any friends but me, and everyone else was a grown-up with a family. No one else was out drinking in pubs and dancing the night away with their friends. Maybe I needed to zero in on the movement and forget about friends for a while.

But every time I heard laughter on the streets of Diagon Alley, I was reminded of the joyous laughter of my friends. Clo, with her intermingling of English and French when she spoke, her inability to be fazed by anything, and her obvious ability to make anyone in her orbit feel special, followed me everywhere. I missed her laughter and her desire to live life to the fullest with the people she loved most.

And Francis. Francis, the platonic soulmate, the kindred spirit, the one who understood what it was like to live the pureblood life and what it meant to escape it. The one other person I knew who also wanted to break free of their dangerous family legacy. Francis understood my life in ways that other people didn't, and our bond was already stronger than the average young adult friendship. I smelled both Clotilde and Francis in the Amortentia that night because my love for both was just as strong, just as life-changing, as my love for Fred. It was a different kind of love, but it was equally valid.

Nevertheless, I had to stay away. I couldn't let myself fall into a false sense of security. I couldn't let myself believe for another minute that I was normal, that everything was going to be fine. The longer I denied the truth, the worse off I'd be. I wasn't normal, nothing about me was normal, and I needed to take my role in the resistance more seriously.

After an afternoon of bottling Pepper-Up Potions and counting lavender sprigs in the back of Mulpepper's, I heard the door open and the bell chime happily. The sound of boots click-clacking across the floor sounded like they were getting closer to the curtain.

"I'll be right with you!" I called, putting stoppers in the bottles and smoothing my robes, trying to be presentable for whoever had come in.

"Ah, so she is alive!" I heard Francis call from the other side of the curtain.

"Of course she is, Frans," Clo replied coldly. "Cass, we know you're back there."

I closed my eyes and exhaled slowly. I really didn't want to face my friends, but I knew I had to. I stepped out from behind the curtains and gave my friends a polite, professional smile. I hated it, but it had to be done.

"What can I do for you both?" I asked brightly.

"Oh, cut that rubbish," Francis said, rolling their eyes and tapping their pointed-toe boot. "You've been avoiding us for weeks! What's going on with you?"

I shrugged. I couldn't tell them anything. I didn't even have a lie prepared.

"Nothing," I said casually. "Just been dealing with some family stuff, that's all."

"Well, are you alright?" Clo asked gently, coming around to the counter. "We're sorry if we got you in trouble for staying out late. Probably for the best to stay away from the Gray Room for a while, no?"

"Probably for you, Clo," Francis muttered jokingly. "Julius won't stop asking about you."

Clo giggled and rolled her eyes. I let an involuntary laugh escape my lips at Francis's dry comment.

"No, it's my fault," I said. "My cousins just worry about my when I don't come home. I'm the youngest, and I forgot to tell them I'd be out all day and all night. The fault is all mine, believe me."

"Very well, Cass, but that doesn't explain why you've been avoiding us," Clo continued. "How's Fred? Is he alright?"

"I dunno," I said sharply, sharper than I intended. "I haven't heard from him since the day we went out."

Clo turned around and exchanged a troubled glance with Francis. That was nearly three weeks ago; they didn't even know Fred and they knew that spelled trouble.

"Well, whatever's going on with you, you can tell us," Clo finally said, placing her diamond and rose quartz ring-adorned hands on my shoulders. "Or you don't have to tell us anything, and we can all just exist in silence, not speaking, but just being together. But only during the day, of course. That way, your cousins don't panic."

"We do worry about you, you know," Francis chimed in. "You've gone through a lot; getting kicked out, new job, leaving school, grieving friends…you've been to hell and back, mate. At least let us come with you if you make another trip, yeah?"

I smiled sadly at them both. Even though I told myself I needed to push them away, I knew the right thing to do was let my friends in. None of this was their fault; I just needed to figure my shit out. And if I needed to figure my shit out, having friends by my side would probably make things better, not worse.

"Yeah, alright," I said finally, giving Clo a hug with one arm and beckoning to Francis with the other, so that the three of us were enveloped in a group hug in the middle of the shop, the sound of youthful laughter and smell of mint, leather, and juniper berries emanating from all around us.

Halloween had always been my favorite holiday.

During my school days, I tried to explain the origins of Halloween to my peers – how it had been heavily influenced by the pagan sabbat of Samhain, which was celebrated by Irish, Scottish, and other Celtic peoples – but it never took. Nevertheless, I always enjoyed Halloween at Hogwarts the most; the Halloween feast, the ceiling of the Great Hall bewitched to appear pitch black and star-filled, the endless amounts of food, and the parties that happened in each individual common room the weekends before and after.

I remembered my first Halloween at Hogwarts like it was yesterday. I experienced the same sensory overload wandering into the Great Hall for the feast as I did when I set foot in the Quidditch World Cup campground; it was like learning about magic all over again. My second and third years were mostly the same, spending them breaking wishbones and reading the spookiest stories from Beedle the Bard with Belle and Jermaine. It became tradition that we would gather in my room, eat sweets from Belle's parents, and take turns reading 'The Tale of the Three Brothers' late into the night.

Fourth year was the only year we didn't do anything. In the middle of the feast, our Defense professor came running into the Great Hall, wailing and waving his arms wildly, proclaiming that a mountain troll had entered the castle. We were all shuffled back to our common rooms and dormitories for the rest of the night. Fifth year was the first year I went to the common room party, and sixth year was the year I snuck out to the Ravenclaw common room party with Belle, Jermaine, and Cedric so that I could spend time with Daniel. One week after Halloween 1993, Daniel and I went to the lake and had our very first kiss.

It seemed strange to me that only a year ago, I was sitting in the Great Hall, waiting for the Goblet of Fire to spit out either mine or Cedric's name. I remembered the fuzzy feeling in my fingers and toes, how Daniel and I weren't speaking, how Fred's eyes were trained on me from across the crowded room. Then, Cedric's name was called, and everything changed forever. One week after Halloween 1994, Fred and I went on our first date, and my whole life was turned upside-down.

I wondered what sort of mayhem Fred and George were up to tonight, if they were up to any mayhem at all. Judging by the hold this Umbridge woman had on the students and staff at Hogwarts, fun of all sorts had probably been outlawed by now. I couldn't stop thinking about him, though; what he was doing, who he was with, and if he was okay. Not hearing from him in weeks didn't sit right with me, especially not after his strange behavior in Hogsmeade. I snatched another piece of parchment from my desk in my room and sat down to write, my knuckles white as I gripped the quill tighter with every word I wrote.

Freddie,

You're still scaring me, and not just because it's Halloween. I know it's seventh year and things are busy, but you don't seem like you're having a very normal seventh year. I won't push you, but at least just tell me if you're okay. If you're not, tell me you have someone you can talk to at school.

Please write back. I love you.

Cass

I read the letter over and over but ended up scribbling out everything and started over a few more times. I wasn't usually at a loss or words when it came to Fred, but nothing about these circumstances was usual. I picked up the quill one more time and furiously wrote out a final message, a message that I would be sending tonight no matter what.

Freddie,

You're scaring me. I don't know what's going on, and I'm not going to push you, but please just tell me you're okay. I'm worried about you and I miss you.

Please write back. I don't care if it's ten words or ten million. Please just write.

I love you.

Cass

With shaking hands, I tied the letter hastily to Lyra's foot and sent her on her way. Amid my worry, I did what I always did when I felt like I need to hear a message or receive some form of clarity: I pulled out my cards.

This tarot deck was different from my blue-and-white crisscross patterned deck I'd nicked from a charity shop last summer; it had been a gift from Tonks for my eighteenth birthday. Even taking the deck out of its green velvet bag and running my fingers over the black and gold cards made me miss her.

"Alright, what do I need to hear this Halloween night," I muttered, shuffling the cards at lightning speed. I kept my mind focused on the question, trying to bring myself peace with the movement of my hands over the cards. Finally, I drew a card off the top of the deck. It floated out of my hand and into the air before me, positioned in front of my left eye. From left to right; past, present, future. What did I need to hear?

Oh, it's going to be that kind of reading, I see," I muttered as I faced The Tower before me. The lightning-struck tower was almost always a bad omen, one of the worst in the deck; chaos and fallout were a huge part of my past, and this deck knew it. Good, bad, or indifferent, upheaval and intense change were a massive part of my existence, whether I liked it or not.

I drew another card, which floated from my fingertips and next to The Tower. I groaned. The Nine of Swords told me that something was keeping me up at night – something that I'd done wrong – and that I knew it. In order to make things right, I needed to look inward, do a bit of soul searching, then right my wrongs before it was too late.

Finally, the future card. What was coming to me? I prayed it would be something positive, but I didn't have high hopes. The third and final card floated up from my fingertips once more and stayed suspended in the air next to the Nine of Swords. When I saw it, I dropped my head into my hands and groaned again.

The Three of Swords. The piercing pain of heartbreak, grief, and hurt. In this position in the spread, I was told that the kind of pain I thought I was finally getting over would be making a reappearance in my life. My thoughts immediately turned to Fred, how my heart ached for him and how his silence scared me and broke my heart. I hated feeling so powerless and weak, weeping over a boy, but Fred was more than that, and while the stormy scene depicted offered hope that the clouds would lift one day, it didn't feel like that day was coming anytime soon.

After staring at the cards for far too long, I lost it.

"FUCK!" I screamed again, grabbing for the cards and accidentally throwing the whole deck in the air, just as I had after Cedric died. Then, just as it had after Cedric died, the door flew open. For one foolish, fleeting moment, I thought it would be Fred.

"BLOODY HELL!" Tonks bellowed as she attempted to dodge the cards hurdling at her head. I shot up from the bed and ran over to where she stood and attempted to pick the cards up off the ground. I wasn't expecting to see her tonight, much less see her waltzing into my room after weeks of us not talking.

"Watch where you throw those," she muttered. "Could've taken my bloody head off."

"I didn't think anyone would be coming in," I shot back, now on my hands and knees picking up the cards. "What are you doing here?"

"Remus let me in," she said, joining me on the floor to help clean up the cards. "Came to talk to you, actually."

I stopped in my tracks, picking up my head to look my cousin in the face.

"What did you need to talk to me about?" I asked. "I'm sure you could ask Sirius or Remus and they could tell you whatever you need to know."

"You know, for someone as perceptive as you, you're being rather thick on purpose," she snapped. "I wasn't expecting you to be here, but I came over to see you. In case you haven't noticed, we've never gone this long without speaking."

"Right, well, we've never had a row that lasted weeks, have we?" I snapped back. "And besides, I've sworn off nights out, in the best interest of the Order. I don't really go anywhere except to work and back here."

Tonks opened her mouth to speak, then closed it promptly. I didn't say that to make her feel guilty or anything. It was merely a fact.

"I didn't say that stuff to make you drop your friends," she said quietly, dropping to her knees to help me pick up the cards. "I said it because we all have our parts to play in this, and I think you need to take playing yours a bit more seriously, don't you?"

I nodded. I knew Tonks she was right, but I wasn't sure she would believe me if I admitted that.

"I know," I finally said. "I know I do. I guess I just…wanted to feel normal for one night. Clo and Francis make me feel normal. Having friends who aren't in some sort of grave danger feels normal to me, and when I'm with them I'm not afraid. Everything feels alright and I- "

"You just want everything to be perfect?" Tonks finished, cocking a pink, pierced eyebrow. "Usually when you want things to be perfect, Cass, all hell breaks loose. This certainly isn't any different."

Silence.

"But" she continued slowly. "I can understand it. I get wanting to feel normal. I'm what, twenty-three? Believe me, Cass, I think I understand wanting to be normal more than you think. But I chose all of this. I chose to be an Auror, to join the Order, to dedicate myself to this cause. And I know Dumbledore did play his part in getting you to join up…but you chose, too. And you and I both have to live with that."

"I know all about living with the choices I make, Tonks," I said finally. "I chose to live on the street, rather than sit in the manor and be the perfect pureblood daughter my mother wanted. I could've chosen to go along with the disgusting things she and my father taught me and marry my cousins and be a bigot all my life for the sake of not rocking the boat, but I chose not to. A lot of this wasn't chosen for me, but I chose that. And I've lived with that choice since long before I met you."

"I know that!" she exclaimed, propping herself up and sitting against the wall across from me. "So, what's wrong? I can tell when something's up with you, and I know there's more than our row going on in that head of yours."

I sighed, leaning my head back against the wall opposite my cousin. I closed my eyes slowly, fighting back the tears that welled up behind my lids.

"I haven't heard from Fred in weeks," I whispered. Her eyes widened, fear rising in her face.

"When I saw him in Hogsmeade, he was acting strange, and I could've sworn he had this…this horrid, angry scar on his hand. It looked like someone had carved something into the skin over and over, and when I tried ask him what was wrong, he wouldn't say a thing. And then we saw my brother and he almost made Fred cry – and believe me, that never happens. I'm just…I'm so worried about him, Tonks. Not even worried, I'm scared. I don't' know what's going on and what he's doing or if he's okay, and I wish…I just wish…- "

Before I knew it, the tears were streaming down my face and I couldn't stop them. I felt weak and angry at myself again for crying over a boy, but Fred wasn't just any boy. As much as I didn't want to admit it, I would've moved heaven and earth for even a ten-word letter from him right now. I hadn't told anyone that until now.

Tonks scooted over to me and wrapped her arms around me in a tight hug, consoling me while I cried. I leaned my head on her shoulder and sobbed.

"I'm sorry!" I cried over and over. "I'm sorry I broke your trust and I'm sorry I haven't done what I'm supposed to. I'm sorry for all of it, Tonks, I really am."

"Shhhh, it's okay," she whispered. "I know you're sorry, and I forgive you. Everything's going to be alright, alright?"

I nodded and let my cousin hug me while I continued to cry on the floor, the relief and fear still mixing in my mind until I didn't know who or what I was crying for anymore.

Sometimes, I really hated Halloween.