A/N - I always wanted to see bloopers from NCIS but they're not very common. So, here are some as if the story were filmed instead. Enjoy!
BLOOPER REEL
CHAPTER 1
The guard recognized McGee as his pseudonym, Thom E. Gemcity, and allowed them into the club. The slow, repetitive thump of the club music filled their ears as they passed through the door. The club glowed with dark blue light from the walls and square columns while spotlights and strobe lights flashed and moved with the music. The rectangular space was large and open with grated metal stairs leading up to catwalks on the second floor. The center of the floor was occupied by a stage that could be seen from both upstairs and down.
McGee quickly moved his arm behind Lee down to her waist and cast a glare to his left at a couple of men who were eyeing her. When he looked back at the stage, Riley had the woman pinned against the stripper pole. His pants were unbuttoned but they stayed in place on his hips.
Without warning, Riley's foot stepped on the woman's sheer robe on the floor, and he slipped backwards and crashed down on the stage. The crowd of extras on the ground floor broke out laughing the lights came back on, and Riley cackled as his face turned red.
CHAPTER 2
Loud rock music started from Abby's stereo, snapping both men out of their reverie. Riley gave McGee another quick, nervous smile and turned to Abby's workstation. McGee logged into the computer next to him and watched as he opened up a remote drive.
"Alright," Riley started, "what kind of map do we want? Traditional Risk?Or do we want a more modernized map?"
"Let's go risky," McGee blurted out, then his eyes shot open when he realized what he said. "TRADITIONAL! Dammit!"
Riley sputtered into a snicker. "I was gonna say, I don't think we're supposed to get it on until later, but I'm good with now!"
McGee rolled his eyes and tried to unscrew the grin from his face as he got back into position again.
CHAPTER 4
Riley hooked his finger around Tim's chin and lifted his face. He then nuzzled their noses together and whispered, "You're beautiful."
Their lips met slowly and gently this time. Riley's hand slid down Tim's damp t-shirt and slipped under the hem. His hands felt cool now and the contact tickled Tim's skin, causing Tim to giggle into their kiss. They both smiled as their bodies pressed together. Riley started to peel Tim's shirt from his body. Tim dropped his jacket and started pulling at Riley's shirt, though it got stuck trying to go over Riley's head.
"I'm stuck!" Riley called.
Tim started chuckling and pulled harder as some of the camera crew started sniggering.
"I think this is what they wanted, Tim," Riley added with a sensual tone and a gyrating of his hips while still stuck in the soaked shirt. "Oh yeah, PULL MY SHIRT!"
CHAPTER 6
As they sat, Tim was able to get a better look at Riley. He was wearing the usual black FBI suit, though his tie was absent and his shirt was mostly unbuttoned. He looked pale and there were dark circles and bags under his eyes. His black hair was slightly disheveled and his stubble had grown out like he hadn't shaved in days.
"Jeez, Riley, you look…" Tim paused to stop himself from sounding insulting.
"Like shit?" Riley completed for him. He smiled weakly and chuckled, "Believe me, I know."
The waitress came over with two mugs and a pot of coffee, intuitively seeing that both men needed it. She took the rest of their order and smiled as they each took healthy sips of coffee.
"Mmmh… thank all that is holy and caffeinated," Riley moaned quietly.
Tim chortled as he set down his cup. "What happened to you? Did you get beat up again?"
Riley counted on his fingers as he recalled his week. "Let's see, partially botched mission Monday morning which really wasn't my fault, which led to a dressing down by my boss and being taken out of the field. Then… I forget…"
Tim smiled. "It's something about a server," he reminded.
"Right, right, the server under attack, 72 hour hackers, and a partridge in a pear tree," Riley tiredly huffed. "Hey, you think they'd let me add that in?"
CHAPTER 7
McGee took the USB drive and connected it to the laptop, then pressed Enter.
The screen suddenly lit up white with a large power symbol in black in the center of the screen. Underneath the symbol read "0MN1 OSv3.0" in small type.
McGee's jaw dropped. "Abby… this is…"
The screen then flashed and ran its boot sequence.
AUTHENTICATION FAILED
SELF-DESTRUCT COMMENCING
McGee's eyes went wide. "Self-destruct?!"
Abby shrieked, "McGee, get back! It's gonna french-fry!"
McGee managed to swipe the USB drive out of the port just before a shower of sparks and thick black smoke erupted from the keyboard. Abby yanked him back by the collar and pulled them both away, but the sparks abruptly stopped as they hid behind the counter. Abby peeked around the corner curiously, then over to McGee who raised an eyebrow.
"That was a lot less dramatic than I thought it was supposed to be," she commented.
They slowly rose up from hiding and eyed the device suspiciously. Suddenly, flames shot out of the laptop with a blast of keyboard keys, and the two both yelped as they leapt back down into cover.
CHAPTER 10
Tim's eyes narrowed and his smile slimmed to a cool smirk as he swiveled around in his chair to face Riley. "Really? I'd like to see what you call a dirty trick."
"No you do-on't," Riley warned in a sing-song voice, some spirit returning to his demeanor. "My dirty tricks are mean. Don't let the glasses fool you, I'm not a goody-two-shoes agent."
Tim felt that Riley's warning was only enticing him further into a trap, but he didn't care. Computers were his world, and now was the time to be bold. He leaned forward and replied, "Sounds like somebody's got more bark than bite."
"Oh-ho…" Riley cooed and quickly sat upright. "Ok, ok. Care to make it interesting?"
"What did you have in mind?" Tim asked, cocking his eyebrow up in curiosity.
Riley stood up and rounded Tim's bookshelf, quickly searching across the titles. Tim watched and waited as Riley looked around in confusion. Riley ran down the line of books and frowned.
"Did… did we take it out already?" he stammered as an embarrassed smile crossed his face.
Tim's jaw sank. "Wait, it's not there?"
"No!" Riley chuckled. "The book's not here!"
"Here!" one of the crew called from the bedroom.
Riley laughed and retrieved the book, then shoved it back into place and whisked around to his seat. "Alright," he breathed as he calmed himself.
Tim straightened his face. "Take two."
CHAPTER 12
McGee toyed with the zipper of his NCIS jacket trying to adjust to the cool breeze coming in through the fleet sedan's open window. They sat in a dark corner of a large parking lot surrounding a strip mall in Temple Hills. Primarily a residential area, Temple Hills sat just below a strip of the Capital Beltway's outer loop but was also marked at its northern tip by large warehouses, scrap yards, and strip malls. McGee and Tony waited patiently while watching their prize, the missing silver Honda waiting at a rental dealership.
The silence was deafening as McGee waited, growing more and more nervous as the silence proceeded.
"Tony," he whispered. "Line. Line!"
Tony froze and his eyes widened, and he tried to keep his mouth as still as possible as he muttered, "Not mine…"
"Yes!" McGee hissed louder. "'I wonder if we're too late?'"
"Oh…" Tony breathed. "Should we start over?"
McGee tried not to smile. "Start what over? We're just sitting here."
CHAPTER 12
Tony, McGee, and Ziva each stood watching the crew prepare the grounds outside of the warehouse. They each held a cup of coffee and tried not to shiver. Tony looked down into the camera.
"Setting up the fourth take," he explained. "Something's up with the blood packs. They're supposed to blow up in sequence as Riley shoots them, but they all keep going off at once."
Ziva chuckled and pointed over to one of the black vans. "I don't think Riley's gonna make it through this one."
Riley lay on top of the van with his head drooping backwards over the side, looking thoroughly exhausted. Gibbs crept over just underneath his head and wafted his own steaming coffee cup by Riley's nose.
Tony grimaced. "No movement even for coffee? I think he might be dead."
CHAPTER 14
Another snore from the bedroom startled Tim and alarmed Riley, whose expression and voice dropped.
"You're… not alone?" Riley asked quietly as he looked cautiously up at Tim.
"No, no, it's not like that," Tim chuckled. "Ziva kinda… slept over."
Riley looked even more confused. "Wait, Ziva? She's the one on your tea- oh! Are you…?"
"No, no," Tim smiled and motioned him towards the bedroom door. "She just stayed over."
Riley quietly followed Tim as they tiptoed to the bedroom door, and his jaw dropped when he saw Ziva on the bed and heard her rip out another loud snore.
*HHNGGGGGCCCCCCKK*
"Oh my god!" he quietly laughed with amazement. "Is… is she actually asleep? Because I can totally believe that she snores like that."
Ziva lifted one of her hands and shot her middle finger straight up at him while maintaining a sleeping expression on her face.
Tim grinned. "Oh yeah. I caught the last space shuttle launch, and they couldn't hear the engines over her snoring."
Ziva flung her other hand over and flipped both of men off vigorously while she hacked out another snore.
CHAPTER 16
Tim's mouth was locked open in shock as he looked at Riley. "You said it was a cabin, not a friggin' mansion!"
"It's not that big," Riley replied humbly as he led them inside.
The rear patio was accessible from the driveway and had what seemed to be the "front" door, as well as a cast-iron fire pit surrounded by tarp-covered furniture. Riley flipped down one of the keys on his keychain to unlock the door, though the key wouldn't budge. He rolled his eyes and flicked a second one down and tried that one, but that one didn't work either.
"Erm," he mumbled. "I don't think the doors were actually supposed to be locked."
Tim reached around and tried opening the door, but the door remained locked.
Riley snickered. "Okay, it is not my fault this time!"
CHAPTER 19
McGee panted and grunted painfully as his left forearm and the right side of his neck throbbed from the mauling. He felt dizzy as he tried to stand up, but Ziva rushed out of the house to him. She paused when she saw Jay laying down on the ground with the bloodied gunshot wound in his torso, and her eyes widened when she saw McGee's injuries. Tony and Gibbs weren't far behind, each having similar reactions to the scene. McGee felt lightheaded and shakily holstered his gun with his right arm, then stumbled forwards into Ziva.
"McGee!" she yelped and quickly ducked under his shoulder to support him.
Gibbs moved forward and put a hand under his other shoulder, careful not to touch his forearm. "Sit him down," he ordered to Tony and pointed to a patio chair.
Ziva bent down to keep a close watch on Jay while Gibbs called for Ducky. Then Jay suddenly stood up, trotted over to one of the mulch gardens on the side of the house, and unceremoniously lifted his leg to relieve himself.
Giggles broke out amongst the team and the crew.
"Good boy," Ziva called as she snapped her fingers to bring Jay back.
CHAPTER 21
Tim still hadn't heard from Riley while he was on his way home. Jay waited dutifully for him inside the apartment, but Tim rushed past him into the kitchen to check his answering machine in case Riley left a message there. His heart rose into his throat when he saw one message flashing on the machine, and he laughed giddily when he saw it. Jay tilted his head to the side at his master's odd behavior and squeaked.
"Just a second, Jay. I have to hear this, then we'll go outside."
He took a deep breath and pressed the 'Play' button.
"YOU HAVE ONE NEW MESSAGE. FIRST MESSAGE: SATURDAY, 4:25 PM"
A female, almost electronic voice came on, "We've been trying to reach you concerning your vehicle's extended warranty. You should've received a notice in the mail about your car's extended warranty eligibility. Since we've not gotten a response, we're giving you a final courtesy call before we close out your file. Press 2 to be removed and placed on our do-not-call list. To speak to someone about possibly extending or reinstating your vehicle's warranty, press 1 to speak with a warranty specialist."
Tim slapped his palm to his forehead so hard that the sound reverberated around the apartment.
CHAPTER 22
Ducky yawned as he walked down the stairs to the morgue. He hadn't forced himself to be too awake since he knew there was no backlog of paperwork from their empty on-call weekend, and he enjoyed having an easy and fresh start to his Monday. As the doors slid open to the unlit morgue, he immediately noticed a body wrapped in a translucent tarp laying on one of the examination tables. As his eyes adjusted, he saw Gibbs sitting silently in the opposite corner with his pistol resting in his hand and camouflage paint on his face, his eyes watching over the body with a grave stare now illuminated by the stairway lights. Ducky's mouth hung in worried surprise as he flipped the lights and began taking off his coat and hat.
"Jethro, what happened?" Ducky asked in a low but urgent tone.
Gibbs squinted as he tried to adjust to the light, then stood up stiffly and holstered his gun. "An OMNI assassin just tried to kill Abby."
Ducky's heart dropped. "Is she alright-"
*BURP*
Both men's eyes quickly darted to the dead body.
The man inside the tarp whispered, "Sorry…"
CHAPTER 26
The sun shone uncomfortably bright in Hall's blurry eyes and a light breeze carrying a strange odor swept across her face. She heard a hissing sound and saw a short-looking man dressed all-black in a cargo pants, a black leather jacket with blue stripes across the shoulders, leather gloves and a full-face motorcycle helmet crouched down and spraying paint on the floor of the garage. Riley looked up at her. Even with the helmet, Hall could feel the cold from his look. He stood up and walked over to her.
Her eyes shot open when she saw the rest of what he painted, and she started hyperventilating. She didn't want to be afraid, but she pieced together what was happening and couldn't help it. That's when she looked down at her hands and saw that they were bound with Ethernet cables, not zip-ties or handcuffs. She also saw a trail of several networking cables bundled together leading from around her neck to a concrete barrier. Her body shook and she felt warm wetness running down her leg. But she wouldn't beg for her life. She refused. Whoever sent this killer wouldn't get the satisfaction.
Riley studied her, then pulled Hall's phone out of his pocket and took a picture of her with it. After putting it away, he bent down to her face. Through the helmet, a firm and chilling voice growled, "This is for Tim and Abby, you bitch."
He turned away and started to slide into the driver's seat of the car, but his helmet bumped into the top of the door frame and wouldn't fit. He tried to squeeze further inside, but the helmet was too large for him to get through at that spot. Hall inched an eyebrow up as she watched him lean halfway out of the car. He pressed the buttons on the door to move the seat backwards and down so he could fit the helmet, but the electric motors inched the seat back almost glacially.
CHAPTER 26
Hall and Riley stood in one of the far corners of the garage's roof deck while crews bustled around the parked Mercedes. They both sipped at bottles of water, and while Riley pulled off his heavy black leather jacket, Hall looked at the backstage crewmember.
"They have to do this shot twice, once with the side angles and with Riley riding away, and this one where they get the explosion from overhead," she explained. "But two explosions also mean two Mercedes, and…" her expression dropped, and her voice cracked, "… it's just a really nice car, and I hate watching this, but I can't turn away."
"They are really nice," Riley agreed. "I got to ride in one from the bottom of the garage all the way to the top. It was really smooth."
Hall gently smacked his arm. "Shut up. I may be one of the villains here, but blowing up two of these beauties is just plain cruel."
CHAPTER 28
McGee nodded to Gibbs but replied for all of them, "Understood." He looked out the window and hauntingly felt hidden eyes on him. It would normally send a chill up his spine, but something felt different in the way he thought they were being watched. He slipped the curtains shut, leaving just enough room for Tony and Abby to see him from the car.
King watched delightedly as McGee closed the curtains and Gibbs sat down, still with the gun drawn. "Well, since you've been so thorough in your investigations, I guess you've figured out what OMNI really is?"
He stretched out his leg and placed it on the coffee table to relax, but the coffee table collapsed underneath, its legs and center breaking unjustly under the simple weight of his leg.
Gibbs shut his eyes and tried holding in a chuckle while McGee's head tipped back with laughter.
King shook his head and grunted, "I guess that was supposed to wait until later."
CHAPTER 32
Riley gingerly set the dolly back upright with the box's main flap facing the desk, then unhooked his delivery pad and turned to the secretary who stood behind the box.
McGee took note of the guards' positions and whispered into his mic, "Okay Ziva, you have one guard directly in front, another 45 degrees to your right. Riley is behind you with the secretary. Three… two… one… NOW!"
Ziva lunged through the cardboard flaps and out of the box, but immediately slammed into the guard in front of her before she could aim. The two yelped in shock as they each staggered back, with Riley catching Ziva while sniggering. Ziva smiled while painfully rubbing her nose.
"Ow," she whined.
CHAPTER 35
The hospital room was dimly lit by the light from the hallway. The bed had been set to a near-upright position, but Riley was still firmly asleep in it. Tim was sitting with Abby as they discussed the aftermath of the data center shootout.
"I don't blame you," he smiled. "What about Gibbs? Have you seen him?"
Abby shook her head. "Just for a second. I gave him a hard drive with the entire Operative List. He's taking it back to Shepard now. Seriously though, the list was huge. It takes up the entire hard drive."
He nodded. "Did Gibbs talk to Fornell, too?"
"No idea," she shrugged. "But I'm not worried about him. I think we all know who's gonna be in the most trouble when the real questions start."
Tim grimaced and looked worriedly over at Riley, then back to Abby. "I know."
They both waited silently for a moment, both looking at Riley expectantly. Tim chortled quietly and exchanged humorous glances with Abby.
"Riley?" Tim whispered.
Abby hissed, "Riley, it's your line."
There was still silence from the bed.
Tim raised an eyebrow. "Did… did he actually fall asleep?!"
Abby simultaneously clapped both of her hands together and shouted out, "RILEY!"
Riley was startled awake and bolted upright from the bed with a yelp.