PLEASE READ FIRST: Alright, let's talk for a moment before you continue on. I hope that by now you all realize that this isn't going to be a happy story. Unfortunately, since I'm keeping this matching canon, there's not a happy ending for these two. I know. I know how attached some of you have gotten to them. Trust me, I am too, but I always knew how I was going to end it.

That's why I got convinced to write a version where they do have a happy ending. Not only will I add in the "alternate! ending" someone asked me for a while back (when they found out about the actual ending) to this fic, but I'm already working on a version of this where Eric and Amelia get and stay together. It's based on the idea that Eric chooses to stay in Erudite.

I hope you continue this but I understand if you don't and choose to wait for a happier version. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask either in the comments or on my tumblr at asirensrage. Thank you all.

Chapter Thirty-Seven

It is a list of twenty that she has given me. It is not surprising that she would trust this many. Erudite exalts its leader. What is surprising is that Catherine is not on here. The fact that Jeanine does not trust Catherine is alarming. I cannot tell if it is a simple lack of trust or if there is something more at play. Jeanine enjoys testing people. I am simply unsure if this is for me or Catherine. I will have to tread carefully.

The first on the list is Gregory. A simple task. I head inside and set out to find those required. The sooner this is over, the better.

I am halfway through the list and thoroughly done with dealing with any more Erudites. The fawning is expected but after the tenth attempt of thanking me and promising to do the level of work our illustrious leader expects, I am drained. I do not understand how none of them see the issue or the confirmation bias behind all of her lectures so far. The problem is that I am too close and have that intimate knowledge of what Jeanine is trying to do whereas they are blinded by the genius she allows them to see.

My desire to be finished with them is fruitless. I find myself making my way towards the initiates in the library. I am tempted to ignore them all and find my mother in the archives but I cannot. I do not have the time.

There is a small grouping at one of the tables and in it is the Prior boy. It works well to my favour that I will not be singling him out. I pause as they talk amongst themselves. I catch snippets of conversation, asking questions and as it delves into an argument over the proper way to annotate, one of them notices me.

"Miss. Elswood!" the girl squeaks.

"Initiates," I greet with a nod. They scramble quickly to try and look presentable, as if they have not been in the library for hours. "What are you working on?"

"We were just looking into project ideas," one of the boys say. "Ideas we had."

"And?" I prompt.

"Well, we haven't fully decided," the Prior boy says. "I am thinking of examining the socioeconomic effects that the factionless have on the factions."

My eyebrows rose. I did not expect that. "Interesting. What prompted that?"

"Well…" he shrugged, "I come from Abnegation where we do our best to help the factionless, but I always wondered why they need our help and why we can't have a better system of doling out resources to everyone."

We cannot have a better system simply because that would involve more power to Abnegation and Jeanine will never allow it. I cannot say that though. Instead, I simply ask him a question.

"What's your name?"

He visibly swallows. "Caleb Prior."

I nod as if I did not already know. "And the rest of you?" They introduce themselves one by one. "Well, keep working at it. As long as you're willing to put the effort in, you'll succeed."

There is a chorus of thank-yous before I leave them.

I feel unsettled in a way that I am not sure will diminish. Initiates are full of hope for their faction. It feels strange to know that I was once like them. There is an innocence there that I can never hope to obtain again. I have torn myself apart in trying to save myself. It is a wonder that there is anything left.

Catherine is behind my old desk when I reach Jeanine's office. She looks up at me as I get close.

"Jeanine is not here."

"I know," I say. "She's in her lab. I am here for you."

Catherine's eyes narrow. "Shouldn't you be indulging yourself with the Dauntless?"

I ignore her. "Jeanine has tasked me with informing you that you are to contact Communications and write a new speech for her. She expects you to work with them and complete it on your own. You will submit it for her approval as soon as you are finished."

Her jaw clenches and I can practically see her desire to refuse. "And why hasn't she requested this herself?"

"Logic would dictate that she has better things to do," I say dryly. It is not appreciated. Catherine manages to hold back whatever retort I can see that she wants to say. "I trust you do not need micromanagement in this endeavour."

"I will succeed," she says, barely holding back her snide tone. "Go back to whoring yourself for the Dauntless."

My patience with her snaps. "Watch what you say to me," I warn.

She smiles. "Afraid of the truth?"

I lean forward, palm resting on the desk between us. "If there was a grain of truth to it, I would submit myself to Candor. You may be elevated to my former position, but do not forget Catherine that I am Jeanine's right hand. I am more use to her now than you will ever be. The last person who dared speak to me that way was torn from his position as Head Educator. Do you wish to follow?"

"No," she finally grinds out. It looks as if it pains her to do so.

"Then do not test me. You will not like the results."

My anger fuels me as I leave the office. It must show in some way, despite all my efforts to maintain my composure because others move quickly out of my way. I try to calm myself. The rumours have been there since the beginning of working with Dauntless, and I should not allow Catherine of all people push me to the edge. She has attempted to torment me from the very moment I was chosen. It is not a surprise. I should have left the moment I was finished informing her of her project but she baits well. I know better than to fall for it.

The panic in my chest does not settle. I cannot allow that to happen again. I need to be able to think efficiently and quickly. I need to be able to control myself no matter what is being said. It is vital to my survival.

That does not stop it from grating though. Everything I have done so far to maintain this position, this safety, is going to drown me if I do not find a way to cope. I cannot rely on Eric for distraction, though he does it well. Every moment with him only makes this far more difficult to bear. I cannot lose myself within him or in Jeanine's instructions. If I do, I will be left with nothing. I do not have a choice though. Not now.

"Have you been sleeping?"

"Hello Eric," I say dryly as I get out of the car. He is waiting for me as usual.

"You look terrible." He holds open the door for me and lays his hand on the small of my back, guiding me. Thankfully, no one is around.

"My appearance is not your concern." I focus on my feet, trying to ensure I do not miss a step. Eric walks on the side where the path drops off. It is a small mercy I am grateful for.

"Everything about you is my concern until I get those two nights."

My jaw clenches automatically. Despite his insistence for two nights, I know it will not end there. "If it has not become clear to you, I do not have the time as of now. I am trying to do my job, Eric."

"I will not be denied, Amelia," he says. "We have a deal."

"I am trying," I snap. I take a deep, ignoring the way he is looking at me. He is amused at my anger. "Can we please get on with it?" I motion ahead of me.

He does not reply. It does nothing to relieve the tension, merely adds to it.

Finally, we arrive at the room. He slides open the metal door and ushers me in. The room is dark and my heart leaps into my throat as he slams the door behind me. The light comes on suddenly. The room is filled with open space and a platform is raised in the middle. I mentally calculate the number of outlets in the room and start mapping how it will be set up.

Eric's arm is around my waist before I even realize he's behind me. I freeze and he pulls my back into his chest.

"Eric…"

The arm that is not around my waist grabs my jaw tightly. "No."

"St-" I cannot speak. I pray he does not leave bruises.

"You can't keep pushing it off, Amelia." He releases his grip on my jaw and moves to hold my neck instead. "You owe me."

"I know," I grind out. "It is not that simple, Eric. No matter how much you want it to be."

"We will make it be," he says. He moves and I feel his lips against my ear. "Don't toy with me, Amelia."

"I'm not!" I nearly plead. "I simply do not have time. Jeanine has me running various projects and tasks alongside this one. I cannot deny the leader of my faction simply because you request me." I take a deep breath, trying to calm the pounding of my heart. I do not know what is worse. The fear that Eric will eventually kill me if I keep denying him or the desire to succumb to him. He is a dangerous temptation.

"I'll deal with her," he says before his hand moves and his mouth is on my neck.

My eyes snap open. I did not realize they had fallen shut as I let myself be swayed by him. "You cannot kill her!"

I feel the vibrations of his low chuckle through my back.

"Is that what you think?" his voice is low. He lets go and turns me swiftly. I have to grab onto him to keep myself from stumbling. "For her pet, you have no idea what she has planned for you, do you?"

My heart leaps into my throat and I try not to show the fear that races through me. "What do you mean?"

He smirks. "Jeanine has plans for all of us. We're all just pawns to her. Even you."

I try to swallow but my throat has gone dry. I know this. If anyone is aware of Jeanine's machinations, it is me. "I am aware of my position," I say. Anger builds in response to the fact that he is trying to scare me. "If anyone forgets, it is you."

"Trust me," he grabs the back of my neck and yanks me back into him. "I haven't." His mouth is on mine before I can stop him. His lips move against mine. I am lost in the feeling of him. Of his hand burying itself in my hair, his arm around my waist and the way his teeth are biting at my lips, demanding entrance.

I grip the lapel of his jacket, unsure if I want him closer or to push him away. He bites harder, leaving me to gasp into his mouth and allowing him to take advantage of the reaction. He takes control of the kiss as if there could be any other way. Every moment spent with Eric has been fighting for control and space.

"-lia," Eric murmurs as we break the kiss.

I cannot look at him, not when he bears that tone on his voice. There is slight awe in it and what feels like a dark promise. I rest my forehead on his chest. Just for a moment. It is almost as if I can pretend that none of this is happening. That the arms around me do not belong to a murderous leader of another faction and that I am not a subject in one of their experiments, even if they do not know it.

Tears build up suddenly in my eyes. I close them tightly, trying to will them back. I cannot stop my shoulder from shaking slightly though as I try to stop myself from sobbing. I cannot allow myself to cry. Not here.

"Amelia?" I hear Eric ask.

I shake my head, unwilling to look at him until I have stopped. This cannot be happening. I will not break apart.

His arms move from around me and I feel them grab my arms. He pushes me away from him and stares down at me. I look up only to see the alarm on his face. It looks so out of place I cannot help but let out a small, choked laugh.

"Sorry," I say, wiping my eyes quickly. "I am tired and the stress...I have not been sleeping well," I admit. He frowns slightly at that. "It is no excuse, I know. I am Erudite. I am better than this." He still looks as if he does not know what to do.

"It's fine," I say. I take a deep breath, trying to gain back control of my emotions. I clear my throat and move back. Eric lets me go. I look around. "I'll have the computers prepared and sent as soon as they are ready. Jeanine has approved a list of twenty. They will start arriving with the computers to help set them up."

"Amelia."

"It's fine," I repeat at his tone. "Once we have that running, we'll start preparing the rest of what we will need." I make a note on my tablet for the next steps. "I will send you notice when we are ready," I say. "And I will try to clear my schedule." I cannot promise it though. "If there is nothing else…?"

Eric is still thrown from my tears because he does not argue. He leads me back outside and allows me to get back into the car waiting for me. I can feel his stare on me until we are out of sight.

My bed is a welcome sight when I finally make it home. The panic of having cried in front of Eric has yet to ease. I cannot trust what he will do with it and I cannot help but feel as though he will hold it against me in some fashion.

I feel almost as if I can still smell him, despite having my sheets changed and cleaned. It should not be possible for his scent to linger. Days have passed since he was here. I try to ignore it, to gain a comfortable position before I let the exhaustion finally claim me.

My dreams are strange and I am woken by the sound of someone in my home. There is no precedence for this. It is generally frowned upon to break into someone's home. I grab my tablet that is next to my bed. Not only do I have experience in using it as a weapon if needed, but I will be able to contact Dauntless for help. They police the factions. If there is a factionless in my home, they will not remain there for long.

I move closer and peer around the door only to stop once I see who it is. I should have known.

"What are you doing in my home?" I snap.

Eric turns as if he knew I was awake this entire time. "I brought you something."

"At this hour?" I glance at the time. I have been sleeping for only three hours. It is not nearly enough. "How did you get in here?"

"Do you want to see what I brought or not?" he asks.

I cannot help but scowl back at him. "What is it?"

He hands me a small, oddly familiar box. I glance at him warily before taking it. He has never given me anything before. At least, nothing that was not a sexual act. He leans back against my counter, arms crossed on his chest as he watches me.

I open the box slowly. It takes me a moment before I realize what it is. "Is this...you brought me cake?"

He shrugs. "You appreciated it last time."

I blink at him before remembering he meant the dinner he had welcomed himself to at my parents. "Thank you." I close the box up and move to put it in the fridge.

"You're not eating it now?"

"I just woke up, Eric. I want to go back to bed. I appreciate the gesture, but it is not time for cake. I will have it tomorrow." I turn to face him, unsure of his presence now. "Are you staying…?"

It is his turn to scowl now. "I can't. I have duties to fulfil and initiates to train." He rolls his eyes at that.

"Oh. Okay."

"Disappointed?" he asks with a slight smirk.

"At being able to sleep? No." I lead the way to the door to my apartment. Eric's hand lands on it before I can open it. I turn, confused.

His hand touches my cheek before he leans down and kisses me. It is not as hard as I am used to, not as demanding. It is slow, almost teasing. He pulls away first and I open my eyes. I did not even realize I had closed them.

"One more month," he says softly before he opens the door himself and leaves. I stare after him. What did he mean by that? I head back to my bed, still confused. I am not awake enough to deal with his games.

The days seem to blur together in a fashion that I cannot comprehend. I am aware that I spoke to people, that arrangements are made and work is completed. My tablet keeps track of it all, but I cannot recall whom I spoke to. I feel as though I have been constantly moving even when I am standing still. My head has not stopped aching.

I am aware that I have not gotten optimal sleep levels nor have I been eating as much as I should. I simply haven't had the time and before I know it, the day is over and I am left floundering wondering where the time went. Then as I try, I cannot sleep.

It does not help that I am uneasy in my apartment. It feels as though someone has been there when I am not. There is nothing out of place, aside from the few things Eric has left, but I cannot stop the lingering awareness that something is not right. I try to ignore it. It is likely the knowledge that Eric has maintained access to my home without my knowledge or consent. I will have to speak to him when we return to Dauntless.

The unease and the pain in my head have not left. Instead, they are accompanied by nausea and the feeling that I am overheated. I have been trying to ignore it. I cannot be ill. I do not have the time to be. The shipments for the computers are prepared and ready for transfer. I have monitored the initiates, though I cannot recall speaking to any of them. This is dangerous. I cannot control what I say or how I react if I am not aware of having a conversation.

The world around me sways for a moment. I blink hard, trying to make it stop.

"Ms. Elswood...are you alright?"

I look up to see one of the technicians staring at me. "I am fine, thank you. Is everything ready?"

He nods, still looking slightly concerned. "The others are in the car. We are waiting for you."

"Of course," I nod. I do not remember them moving to leave. "Let us go."

The technician shadows me until I am in the supply truck. Thankfully it is the same driver who usually accompanies me. They do not say anything as my eyes close on the way. My stomach rolls at the movement. I inhale slowly, trying to calm the qualmishness.

It takes ages before we arrive. Eric awaits us with others to help offload the supplies.

"Amelia," he greets. I nod back. For once I am grateful for his help to exit the cab of the truck. I do not have to worry about falling off of it when his hands are on my waist. He says something else but it doesn't register. I feel as if everything is off-kilter. Thankfully, I am able to focus long enough for the supplies to be accounted for.

Eric leads the way and the rest of the Erudites do their best not to look alarmed by the faction we are entering. I try to hold my head high, to be the example I need to be. I hear their whispers behind me but they do not register. It is taking everything in me to keep moving. As we get to the room, the others start working. They know what Jeanine demands of them and I have sent them all the schematics of the room previously.

I pause as I watch them work. I feel Eric move to stand next to me but for once I am not concerned about his presence.

"They look at you in awe," he says. The room is starting to spin again. "Do you think they know..." I don't hear whatever he says. The edges of my sight are starting to go black.

"Eric?" I reach for him but I am falling before I can stop myself. I feel something grab me even though my sight goes black.

"Amelia!" I hear people calling my name. Everything fades.

[tbc]