For days I missed classes and starved myself in my dormitory. My heart never stopped pounding as I thought of the unsuspecting and innocent students and teachers at Hogwarts that didn't know what was coming. My sense of morality was in a vicious battle against my sense of loyalty to Draco, and I slowly retreated inside of my body in a paralyzed state.
Harry especially had occupied my mind greatly. His care and protection for me was clearly one sided if I didn't find a way to either stop Draco from allowing the Death Eaters to storm the castle, or if I didn't warn him. But what to do was the greatest question of all and I froze up entirely, swatting away Hilda when she tried to confront me with worry about what was so wrong.
Draco had made it ferociously clear that he would do whatever it took to appease the dark lord at the risk that his family would otherwise be harmed. But there was so much trauma and deep regret from what he felt he was being forced to do that I couldn't help but allow a small thread of hope to blossom in my heart. I desired more than anything to believe that his mind could be changed before he did something horribly unforgivable.
It was without a doubt that he was searching for me constantly. I'd on more than one occasion throw up from the sheer pain of the scalding Bequeathment mark on my neck. If he was feeling even a fraction of the heartbreak that I was feeling than it was understandable, but I wasn't ready to see him.
Finally, days later on Thursday afternoon Hilda ripped my blankets clean off of my frail body and I curled up in a tiny ball in my night slip to protest. I turned my face into the pillow but it did nothing to stop her from literally rolling me off of the bed.
"That's it!" She cried loudly as I grimaced from my elbow hitting the wooden flooring, "If you don't get up today, I'm going to Snape and having you sent to the infirmary, Frenchness." She leered down at me from where her hands were on her hips. She was wearing a tight green turtle neck and black jeans and massive black skull earrings that triggered me.
I hung my head down submissively and let my tangled hair cover my eyes. "Did you not hear me?" She barked at me, kicking my leg with her boot. All I could think of was how helpless Hilda was to the oncoming attack in mere weeks.
"Let her rot if she wants to rot," Pansy said from her bed where she was oddly staring at herself in a hand mirror.
"I don' want to get up. Please, leave me," I spoke like a zombie, my voice cracking from not being used for so long. She yanked me to my feet by my upper arm and I wobbled and clung to the bed post from the sudden dizziness that ensued from being dehydrated and starved.
"Do you have any idea how annoying it has been listening to Draco cry all day in the common room? What happened between you two? Did you break up?" She urged me, poking me in the shoulder to try and engage me. "I haven't been able to see my own boyfriend because he's so busy comforting yours, who won't leave the common room because he's too busy waiting for you to come out."
"It's so cringey, I'm tempted to just offer him a blowjob to cheer him up," Pansy lazily injected. When I glared at her for the vulgarity she just shrugged her shoulders and sarcastically quipped, "Kidding, relax." I narrowed my eyes at her with the distinct expectation that she was not.
Hilda snarled, pointing her long black nail at Pansy, "Not today Parkinson."
She turned back to me with authority, "We're getting you showered, dressed, and down to fucking dinner. You look like a corpse, and you smell like one too. I meant at least you don't have to worry about wedding weight, but this is just too much." I was too weak to argue, knowing that I truly could not go much longer. I did just that, showered and brushed my hair out, and put on white sweatpants and a light blue hoodie that read Beauxbatons across the front in gold hand lettering. I put on slippers which may not have been a wise choice as they were indeed slippery and I was gaunt, but I preferred the idea of ease and comfort.
When we came out into the common room Draco nearly leapt out of the couch that he was crammed into with Blaise, spilling Blaise's tea all over him rudely. Hilda protectively put her arm around my shoulders as I backed up towards the stairs again. "Why don't you just talk to him, babe?" she lightly suggested.
He appeared equally as thin as I did, and his eyes were so red and puffy he looked like he hadn't slept for days. He approached us with his hands in his sweatpants and a puppy dog expression. Blaise had also stood and was shooting Hilda a concerned glance while trying to wipe liquid from his trousers.
"Talk to me Madeleine, I can't take it," he begged in a groggy voice. My lip trembled and I had to look at the ceiling to control the searing heartbreak that ensued with the ruined look on his face.
Hilda looked appropriately confused between the two of us, "If you two have broken up than just cut it out already. Your both miserable. Unless Malfoy, if you've done something to hurt my Frenchness..."
He reached his hands up to a steeple, pleading with me, and ignored Hilda, "Please. I've been thinking a lot, and I just want to talk."
"I don't," I hoarsely whispered, still staring at the dungeon ceiling to maintain my composure. After what he had told me in the courtyard I no longer felt like I knew him. I was outraged by the decisions he had been making and the fact that he was a Death Eater never felt more real.
He reached forward at me and I backed behind Hilda. "You look so sick," he muttered, and I could see he was moments away from crying again. Blaise rolled his eyes in impatience behind Draco, his arms crossed. To any stranger entering the room it would be easy to assume he'd opted to publicly pee his pants from the tea stain.
"Yeah, well you're no looker yourself. The girl isn't interested, Malfoy, so we'll be going." Hilda aggressively decided. She guided me around him and he sobbed, dropping his face into his hands. Several other students in the common room groaned in aggravation, probably having lost all patience for it.
Blaise huffed as we passed him, "Can you get us something to eat? Looks like I'm stuck here all day again." Hilda nodded and then we were gone.
I felt like a floating head the entire way to the dining hall. Having to look around the castle walls and the happy faces of my peers, knowing what was planned for just a few weeks away, had me positively crawling with guilt. I didn't feel like I had the right to be there, or to be eating the food.
At the dining table we sat away from the age group we normally ate with. Hilda ran her fingers through my long wavy hair and forced me to eat. I immediately picked at chocolate cake to entertain her, as it was comforting and provided instant gratification.
"Are you going to explain what's going on?" She queried, violently stabbing into a sausage.
I hardly had a moment to reply when a hand clamped down on my shoulder and I spun, pulling my hood down from my head. Cedric Diggory had floated silently up behind us, "Madeleine! I heard you were out sick. We missed you in charms class."
Hilda raised her eyebrows at the mystery acquaintance she probably didn't know I had. I cleared my throat and turned to him fully, "Oui. Not doing so well."
He nodded his head, his handsome face was suddenly sympathetic. His eyes roamed over my hoodie in interest, "Nice. Representing your uh, home turf. Say, how sick are you still feeling? Would you um, want to come to that party tonight?"
"She would love to," Hilda nodded her head eagerly, "As long as there's room for me too." She winked at him and I sent her a puzzled look. Now was definitely not the time to be partying, I was clearly distraught.
"Wicked, I'll see you two ladies there." He shook my shoulder before removing his hand and walking away. I watched the blur of his golden robes in exhaustion. He met up with several other athletic Hufflepuffs who peered around him at me with eagerness.
By the time we'd reached back to the Slytherin common room I was dragging my feet in protest, but Hilda would simply not let me say no for an answer. I knew I was going to be terrible company all night and I hadn't the slightest idea why she would want to go with me.
We walked rapidly through the common area where Draco just stopped writing whatever he was scribbling down onto a piece of parchment and stared at me longingly. His long hair was sticking up at random angles and his pointy nose was rosy on the end from crying. Blaise reached his hand back over the couch to props Hilda as we passed.
She paused and leaned around him to kiss his cheek and drop food at the side table, "Going to a party tonight, babe. I'll see you later in your bed though."
"Party? What party?" Draco darkly asked, his eyes flickered to me at the speed of light. I could see panic and jealousy rising in his expression. He was so ridiculously controlling and insecure sometimes. The ink on the end of his quill started dripping onto his parchment.
Hilda laughed cruelly at him, "It's a secret. Don't wait up."
He looked at me utterly devastated, and I opened my mouth to respond to his sudden hyperventilation but Hilda dragged me from the room by my wrist.
"We're drugging ourselves, we are going to get dressed up, and then when you're good and relaxed you can explain this breakup to me," she said without flinching. She ran to my wardrobe and hastily started shoving dresses aside. She pulled out a really expensive red dress that was exceptionally tight with long sleeves. I yanked it over my head agonizingly slowly. It was meshed in several areas, providing glimpses of my skin underneath. There were roses embroidered onto the cups where my breasts would go bra-less below.
I sat on the floor while she re-brushed my hair and then plunked in front of me to do makeup. "Here, chug away, princess." She made a mocking face of Malfoy as she doled us both out euphoria potions and I laughed gently.
"We aren't broken up," I said in a dollish voice, "At least, I don' think so. I don' know, it depends on what 'e is planning to do next."
Hilda was opening and closing makeup containers and I winced at how dramatic she might be going with my face. I didn't typically wear fake lashes for house parties or wear red lipstick. "He certainly thinks you are. Either way, you need to still marry him for fucks sake, what a mess," she replied.
I took the large euphoria potion and choked as it burned menacingly. She followed suit, and it was not long before we were in unrealistically in fantastic moods. She dressed herself in a black dress that was extremely revealing and then she grabbed her flask and we were giggling all the way down the stairs. My face was flushed and my heart was pounding with so much excitement I'd completely forgotten about Draco.
He was now pacing in front of the fire, nervously ranting to Goyle and Blaise who by this point had his head lolled backwards off the couch entirely in boredom. Goyle was awkwardly nodding with a vacant expression as if he were deaf but still trying to fake hearing Malfoy.
Draco snapped up and ran over to us as Hilda tried to take off like a bullet to avoid him. "Madeleine wait!" he called in a shrill panic and I begrudgingly turned to him with my arms crossed.
His eyes wandered down my entire body with unmasked horror. "You look, stunning. Who's this for?" He had a piece of folded parchment in his fingers and I knew what was coming.
I held out my palm upwards rolling my eyes and he hesitantly placed the letter in my hand. "Considering you refuse to speak with me..." he said with sad eyes.
"I will read it later," I said in a strained voice, shoving it into my bag roughly. Relief seemed to flood his annoyingly anxious demeanor.
"You can't go to that Hufflepuff party. We have discussed this matter." His voice darkened to a familiar tone as he continued speaking and Hilda reached forward and shoved him backwards.
"She'll go wherever she pleases. She's not your pet."
He sneered at her, his eyes danced between us from where he was looming over us. He was in a vulnerable bargaining position with me and in no place to be acting his typical imposing self. His eyebrows raised in desperation as he turned back to me, "You know why Cedric invited you, don't be foolish."
"Maybe 'e just wants to be my friend," I quipped back, and with that I'd spun on my high heel and left the room, knowing full well that he did not want my friendship. We walked across the dungeon level elated and giddy to the wall of the Hufflepuff dormitory.
I held up my finger to read the note as Hilda banged on the wall uselessly. We'd have to wait for a Hufflepuff to come our way to get let in.
I unraveled the expensive parchment to see the note that he'd clearly been writing earlier. Three blots of ink were in the corner, splattered onto the shiny Malfoy Crest.
I won't do it, not if it means losing you.
I will find another way.
You have my word.
My heart fluttered maddeningly and I reached up to fan my face with the parchment. If I hadn't taken a euphoria drug I would've started crying instantly.
"HellO?" Hilda was calling out in irritation to no one in particular with both of her hands flat on the wall before the wine barrels that were in front of it. Finally a weary looking Hufflepuff girl approached the wall, evidently not planning to join the party. She reluctantly allowed us entry after Hilda threatened to douse her in the alcohol from the flask.
Inside, the party was much less obnoxious than any Slytherin gathering I'd been to. There was gently lilting music and an assortment of odd games happening around the room. The perfectly round common area was bright and golden despite being so late into the night, filled with plants and fluffy furniture. Large clusters of alcohol sat on every table's surface and we quickly deduced that despite the nature of the party seeming to be calm, the participants were still quite inebriated.
My mind was fogged from reading the note, and I was completely elsewhere thinking of his words. I suddenly had an overpowering urge to run back to him and make up, if what he claimed was true. If he was willing to take the chance on not committing such a heinous act despite the risks, than I could not stay mad or disgusted. Perhaps we could help save the school.
"She's just distracted - Madeleine! Quite being rude," Hilda was tugging on my sleeve. I turned my face to see that Cedric Diggory and two other very tall boys had walked up to us while I had been entirely zoned out.
"Look at those golden eyes, such a beauty," Cedric lifted his fingers to graze my chin, not wasting a second on flirting with me.
"She's in high demand, our little Veela," Hilda said, leaning a bent arm on my shoulder. "I can hardly keep up with the drama."
Cedric sipped generously from his cup, "Where's my invitation? I'd take a bit of that drama." His eyes were all over me hungrily and I smiled only faintly.
The evening went from being a slow build to a sudden drop off. I wasn't typically one for blacking out, but the lack of eating and drinking coupled with sleep fatigue and the drinking games shocked me with a complete and utter memory collapse.
I sat up straight in a room that was arguably too warm for sleeping quarters. The curtains were drawn around the bed and someone's arm was lazily slung across me. I was thankfully still in my dress from the night before, with what now felt like a hoodie on top.
A light appeared on the end of a wand and I found myself staring into Cedric's eyes with instant regret. My heart dropped several elevators in my chest as I realized I'd slept in his bed. "What-what time es et? What 'appened?" I asked pathetically, trying to banish the splitting pain in my head.
Cedric sighed and rubbed his face, and I noticed that he was shirtless next to me. "It is...about four in the morning. Don't worry, nothing happened. Your friend took the couch downstairs so I brought you up here. Didn't want you to sleep on the floor." He gave me a slight, sideways grin, "You're welcome to stay until the sun comes up."
I baulked, knowing exactly what he meant. I removed his arm from around my waist in abhorrence of what I'd allowed to occur. "Th-thank you, for your kindness. I 'ave to go," I said, nearly tripping out of his curtains. I grabbed my shoes from the floor and fled the shared quarters before anymore of them awoke. With my heart screaming in my rib cage I started yanking on Hilda's arm downstairs.
She was passed out cold on the large beige couch in front of the fireplace, surrounded by mugs filled with questionable substances. Her hair was messy and her flask was wrapped up in her arms like some fucked up idea of a teddy bear. "Get up! We 'ave to go!" I shrieked.
She eventually obliged, groaning dramatically as she peeled herself from the safety of the leather. The journey back to the Slytherin common room was blurry and slow as we were both still very drunk and tired. The entire time I was helping her walk in my arms I was praying that Snape wasn't prowling around for any reason.
In the common room I was washed by relief that Draco was no where to be seen. It was abandoned. At the steps to the girl's quarters I stopped abruptly and Hilda nearly faceplanted with the halt in motion. "What are you wearing?" she burped in my face, swaying in my grip.
"You 'ave to go to bed. Can you make et?" I asked in a frenzied, piercing tone.
She leaned away from me with a deep, drunken frown, "And where might you be going?"
"To Draco's bed. I 'ave to talk to 'im," I said, tugging the gigantic Hufflepuff sweater over my head. I turned and tossed it with force into the green fire and it flared momentarily as it consumed the fabric.
"Ugh, the whiplash. You two are toxic," Hilda waved me away and started climbing the stairs haphazardly. She wasn't wrong, but she also didn't understand the kind of pressure we were under having to deal with Death Eaters. I waited until she had disappeared around the bend, assuming she was fine to complete the ascension on her own. I pattered across the common room in my bare feet, leaving my high heels on the girl's stairs. I took the stairs in large jumps and stopped to catch my breath at his door.
The last time I had been in that dorm it had arguably been a humiliating experience. I chose bravery and quietly opened the door and clicked it shut behind me. The room was pitch black and smelled like teenage boys. All of their dark green curtains were thankfully shut and the roaring sound of snoring echoed around the stone hexagonal space.
I ran to his bed on my tip toes and fumbled through the curtains. He moaned in confusion as I pulled at his covers and his hands came down to pin my wrists as he peered at me in the dim lighting of the Moonstone on his bare chest. "Madeleine?" he asked, blinking and searching at me.
"Can I sleep wit' you?" I asked in a petite voice. I was worried about how much I smelled like booz and smoke, but there was no way that I could wait any longer to speak to him. He nodded in confusion and I pawed at the covers to get underneath. I clung to him tightly, lifting my leg between his and my arm around his toned chest.
He dug his arms around me and I could tell that he was finally awake and interpreting the situation. He was shaky as he pulled me into him. "Why are you here?" he asked breathily in the darkness. The anticipation in his voice was unparalleled.
My fingers toyed with the Moonstone glowing against his skin. It had darkened very slightly to an unusual pale purple hue. As I stared at the incredibly rare and precious stone it occurred to me that it had been absorbing negative energies from him, as it was the very nature of the stone to do so. It's properties were known to be quite powerful and Moonstone was often sought out to heal the lost, angry or wicked. Because of this, it had quickly become extraordinarily limited. Perhaps it would explain how soft his disposition had become since wearing it - something I was acutely aware would only be considered a distraction to his mission by his father and the dark lord.
He cut through my thoughts, "Did you read my note?"
"I did," I said, squeezing him tighter. "Thank you, for changing your mind."
He sighed heavily and I felt his arm come up to his face before me, "I don't have a solution for it yet. And where were you all night?"
I bit my lip and felt my entire body wash with a freezing cold fear. I waited far too long to answer as the dread built to a horrid degree and he silently held me. "Did something happen?" he asked in an anguished voice. His fingers were gripping my shoulder tightly and the nails were digging into my skin.
"I fell asleep at de party. Nothing 'appened," I replied. My eyes were wide in the darkness and my eyebrows furrowed chaotically. I was hoping he would drop it but he didn't.
"I went there, you know," he said quietly and my blood rushed to my ears. "I didn't see you anywhere at midnight. Fawley was passed out in the common room. Don't lie to me. You slept with Diggory didn't you?"
I nudged my face into his neck with my heart slamming in my chest like a basketball being tossed at a concrete wall. I had technically slept with him, just not had sex. I'd been carried upstairs without my knowledge, but the whole affair was a nightmare at best. "Draco..," I squeaked out and swallowed to clear my throat.
"You did?" I could hear his voice cracking, his chest started heaving violently. The poor boy didn't deserve to cry anymore after spending days doing so.
I finally found my voice as my face became hot and prickly, "'e carried me to 'is bed. I didn't - I didn't know. I woke up and ran away. Nothing 'appened but sleep."
"I can't take this anymore," he panted, his hand still over his eyes. His tears were rolling down onto my forehead, and I quickly became cognizant that he could end up suicidal from the pressure he was under. Sympathy blossomed in my heart, knowing that many of the boys at Hogwarts were unfairly competing with him for my interest. This was happening on top of serious stress to perform as a Death Eater and make life-altering decisions.
I decided that I could do my best to avoid even a single incident occurring from then on out. "I will listen to you next time. I can keep my 'ead down until we are married and through dis war," I said, running my hand up his neck into his hair.
He leaned his head into mine, "I need you to. For my own sanity." We nudged closely together and his tears slowly stopped, his breathing relaxed as I drew my fingers over his skin to calm him everywhere. He pressed his nose into mine and pulled his hand through my hair, and we both slept better than we had in nearly a week in each other's arms.