Hi everyone, thanks so much for your wonderful comments, I was blown away by just how many people commented on my last little cliff hanger update ... so here's a nice long one for you... This one was really hard to write and I dunno if i did it enough justice, so please feel free to let me know. The next few updates are going to be big things happening and I wanna thank Lise and Abbie for listening to my crazy ideas and helping develop some other plots so I dont tire of writing... Any ideaas of what might be happening yet?! Or do I need to drop more hints? Love to you all, have a FAB weekend
"What! Oh, Trevor…" her heart was racing. She could tell that he was crying, he was not okay. She needed to be with him. "Where are you, baby?" she asked.
"I'm at home, I need to go there, to the rehab… I need to go be with her Mom."
"Wait, don't go anywhere. I'll call Lucy and I'm coming straight home, you're not driving there on your own. I'll drive you."
"Its okay-"
"I'm serious, Trevor, I'm coming now, don't you dare go anywhere," there was no way in the world she wanted him to drive all the way across town on his own in the bereft state that she could tell already consumed him.
Olivia hung up with him and darted down the hall to the two detectives working. Both looked up, noticing the alarm on her face.
"Guys, I have to go there's been an emergency, I have to go be with Trevor – I'm not sure when I'll be back, Fin- can you hold all this down?"
"Sure Liv, is everything okay?" Fin asked.
"Do you need a ride?" Elliot fired at her, noticing how panic-stricken she seemed to be.
"It'll be fine but… I need to be with Trevor and thanks El, but it'll probably be faster if I leg it," she replied. "I've got my phone," she called over her shoulder, "I'll call later."
She grabbed her bag and walked as quickly as possible 24 blocks and then left another 12. She was exhausted by the time she got inside, but Trevor was waiting as he said he promised he would.
"Oh my goodness, sweetheart come here…" she made her way to the dining table where he was sitting in his suit, too ashamed of his grief to look at her. She took a seat on his lap and wrapped her arms around his thick body and felt him embrace her back. "Its okay Trev, you're allowed to feel devastated, you just lost the mother of your child – the woman you tried to save over and over and over…"
"I was so awful to her," he murmured, resting his head on Liv's shoulder. "I was horrible to her when we went to see her."
Liv remembered her fleeting thoughts of discussions that lead her to ask Helena if she'd had suicidal thoughts.
"Its okay, Trevor," she whispered, "you were frustrated, she told you some pretty awful things, you're only human – this isn't because of you."
She felt him heave a sigh, too bereft to actually cry. As much as he wanted the relief, the tears wouldn't flood.
"I knew this would happen," he said, "I had a feeling in my gut that she would do something stupid if I took Eloise, Elly was the only thing keeping her propped up and … the things she said to me when we were alone, I should have known, Liv."
Olivia felt guilty too.
She rubbed his back and hugged him tight and let him talk, she knew from dealing with victims, there was no way to make them feel better during that initial period of finding out bad news.
"We need to go…" he said suddenly.
"Give me a moment, I just have to call Lucy," she told him, "why don't you go and grab me a coat and I'll call her."
He nodded in agreement. He kissed her forehead. "Thanks for coming home, Olivia… it means a lot to me"
"Thanks for calling me and telling me you needed me," she said sincerely. She gave him one last squeeze. "This is a huge loss, Trevor, but it's going to be okay, we will get through it together with El."
His jaw was set in a firm line. He nodded again, as if it suddenly hit him that he was going to have to find someway to explain to his daughter that she was never going to see her Mom again.
He made his way with heavy footsteps up the stairs to what was about to become their room after the weekend. Olivia and Noah were organized to move their belongings to his town house.
Olivia fetched her phone from her bag and organized Lucy to get the kids from school and bring them home. She had another casual appointment with a client's child at 6pm so Lucy's mother offered to come and stay with the kids until either Lucy was due back or until they arrived back.
The woman Noah had grown to love as his Grandma Nessa was an absolute gift, Olivia thought.
She grabbed a little bag and threw a couple of bottles of water in it and some granola bars, something to put in their stomachs. She knew Trevor wasn't going to be hungry, but she her mother instinct took over which always kept her prepared with snacks.
He met her at the door. She put her shoes back on and watched him slip on his own. They went downstairs to the car garage so they could get his car. After a brief argument that Olivia won, he handed her the keys and they set off to the treatment center where he had agreed to meet Helena's mother and the senior staff for a debrief on what had actually happened.
He was still unclear as to how it was even possible for her to have acquired the ability to take her own life when she was supposed to be under high dependency care.
Helena's mother found comfort in an unlikely stranger with Olivia and Trevor could see the maternal shift between them – probably from Olivia's years of experience of working with victims and family's of victims.
She comforted her and said all the right things that a mother needed to hear while they waited to meet with a hospital executive.
Once inside the meeting room, Olivia sat between Trevor and Helena's mother, directly across from a man in a suit who clearly didn't want to be having this conversation.
Trevor introduced them all to him before sitting down himself. He was all about business, sterile and not showing any emotion which Olivia worried about, but she was sure it was a front.
"Mr & Mrs, Langan, Ms. Coombs, I am so deeply sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how you must be feeling right now."
"No, you can't." Trevor replied curtly. "You can skip all the formalities, I don't mean to be rude, but I have a daughter at home that I have to explain this to and get home to, so I'd rather you just tell us the details of what and how this happened."
"I'm sure you appreciate that we cannot unfortunately have our staff sitting with our patients around the clock – that just wouldn't be feasible-" he started but Trevor wasn't taking it, he cut him off.
"For the money I was paying for this center and for the assessment of high dependency, I do beg to differ." Olivia reached for Trevor's hand, sensing his anger mounting beside her. He gave his hand a shake, shaking away from her touch.
She tried very hard not to take it personal.
"Mr. Langan-" the executive began, his voice dropping an octave – empathetic.
"No," he shook his head, irate, "we're not doing this," Trevor cut him off, "what happened, how did my ex-wife take her life? How did it happen?" he demanded to know.
"I regret to inform you that-"
"No!" said Mira, Helena's mother quickly, "No, I don't want to know,"
"Why don't we step out?" Olivia asked Mira gently. She was shaking and crying and Olivia was concerned that it was going to be far too much for her. It would have helped after the shock to have worn off for her to find out her daughter's fate in a much gentler way.
She said nothing and guided the older woman, Eloise's grandmother, outside while Trevor received the information that he wanted to know.
He didn't want to talk about it, he didn't want to think about it. He just wanted to go home and try to figure out what to tell his daughter. He wanted to punch a hole in the wall, his furiousness and grief twisted together like a rotting vine and he desperately didn't want to do the wrong thing by Olivia.
They'd driven mostly in silence for almost a half of an hour; Trevor not wanting to let his mood rub off on to her, trying hard to keep his anger from billowing out and polluting the goodness between them.
"You hungry?" he wondered, realizing that he was famished. He hadn't eaten and had turned down Olivia's granola bars but now he was ready to put something in his stomach.
"I guess," she replied, having been sitting in silence, not trying to hold his hand or be affectionate with him – she'd tried hard back at the rehab to show him affection in different ways and each time he flinched away or didn't reciprocate and it made her feel a little rejected.
"I'll just stop at shake shack," he said, pulling off the highway to the fast food restaurant.
"This is no way to be losing weight…" she managed to joke.
It was the first time he looked at her as they pulled up to the drive-thru line. He regarded her with a surprised expression. "I don't want you to lose weight," he said gently, softening. It was as though he forgot what he was dealing with for a moment – a sobering moment from the grief.
He felt bad – he hoped that she hadn't been dieting for his benefit. "You're perfect as you are, I love you as you are," he told her, placing a hand on her shoulder. When she turned to look at him, realizing he had taken her throw-away comment a little too seriously, he leaned in and kissed her lips. "Don't deprive yourself of the food you want to eat, Olivia, please."
"I was kind of kidding," she replied, her tone matching his. She wasn't actively dieting but she did find herself questioning herself each time a staff member brought in cookies to share or whether or not she'd buy potato chips over rice cakes. She knew it was built in to her female genetics, to always worry about weight or other body concerns that most females could relate to.
"Kidding or not," he replied, "it still stands…"
"Thanks Trev."
It was as though her involuntary moment of vulnerability had made him realize that she was there. He wanted to be angry with her because she was there. It wasn't her fault and he felt like an asshole for almost making a decision to be rude to her.
"What would you like?" he asked her, burying his thoughts as they neared the order window.
Olivia thought for a second, "I guess just a single cheeseburger, thanks…"
"Fries?" he asked.
She gave him a small smile, "I'll just steal some of yours."
He chuckled finally and it relieved a little tension that was taking up space throughout his entire body.
They got to the window and Trevor put through an order. Once they got their food he parked the car in the parking lot leaving the engine running for the heater.
Olivia wasn't sure how to act or how to be, so she said nothing and unwrapped her burger and began to eat. Trevor did too and for the first time ever, the silence between them felt awkward.
The thought made her want to cry, she wondered if Helena's death was going to be a make-or-break type of situation. The more she thought about it, the more the stronger the urge to cry. She felt stupid, she wasn't normally this emotional. Despite the feeling, death was a big deal and she knew that Trevor had his work cut out for him – and it wasn't the time to make him placate her.
"Liv, what's wrong?" Trevor asked, glancing at her, realizing that she was crying, ignoring her tears, continuing to eat with a slightly glazed-over expression. It was alarming to him that she seemed to be so lost in her own thought that she hadn't noticed her own emotions.
She looked at him, stunned for a second, as if his inkling had been right – as if she wasn't aware of her tears. He put down his burger and wiped his hands with a napkin, his guilt growing.
It wasn't enough that he felt hugely responsible for Helena's death, but Olivia was upset too, and he was almost certain it was due to his cold behavior since they'd arrived at the rehab center.
She managed a strange laugh that confused him a little. "Its stupid, I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm emotional."
He fell silent for a moment.
There were many reasons for her to be emotional, he'd seen her cry with her victims for their disappointment with a court verdict, or simply bearing witness to their accounts of what had taken place during their assaults. Olivia Benson was a compassionate woman sometimes to her own detriment, but he could never fault her for it, it was one of the reasons why she had been so easy to fall in love with.
"Liv, I'm sorry if I've been…." he searched for the right words, "a bit of a jerk."
She wiped her eyes with the back of one of her hands. "You haven't, you're just… you're angry and sad, I understand."
"I know but it's nothing to do with you – I guess we just react by being a bit cruel to the people we know who aren't going to walk away… I just feel so much confliction tonight and I'm heartbroken for my daughter."
"I know…" she replied softly. She put her burger down as well, but they were both almost finished. "I am so sad for you… but I understand if you need some space."
"I don't want space, the last thing I need is space from you. You're the only thing that's holding me together right now, Olivia, just… be patient with me, I'm still in shock," he admitted, a vulnerability to his tone that she could feel the warmth from.
"Okay." She agreed.
"Are you crying because of something I did or didn't do? Or is it just the situation?" he asked, "or is it because of the comment I made just back there?" he nodded at the drive-thru.
"I am in no position to be demanding attention from you, Trev, but I can't help it, I tried to comfort you and you shook me off, I just wanted to be there for you and … it just seemed like you don't want to know about me."
He nodded slowly, taking it in.
"So that's why I am happy to give you space, I can take Noah home tonight and you can have a night with Eloise… maybe moving in right now might not be-" she hated that she was even suggesting it but feared more that he would agree.
As quickly as the words fell off her tongue, he'd already had an answer on the tip of his own.
"No," he said firmly, "no, I don't want to cancel you moving in Liv, I don't want to be alone, I don't want you to give me space, I want you with me and I'm sorry if I acted like I didn't … I'm just processing. Your presence is everything. If you weren't with me, I would have acted in a way that I wouldn't be proud of. I wanted to yell and scream and tear that place apart, but… you're a very special kind of calming presence… I wouldn't have been able to do what you did for Mira…"
Olivia wiped another tear from her face, now she was crying with relief. "I don't know what's wrong with me, I'm so sensitive lately," she managed a laugh, "I'm sorry Trev, I don't want to be selfish."
"You're the last person I would ever accuse of being selfish, baby," he said gently, reaching over to stroke her hair.
She managed a smile. He thumbed away the tears that were beginning to dry up. "Please don't cry… I hate that I've made you upset. I'm sorry."
"Its okay," she sniffed, "I'm sorry too…" he kissed her forehead. "I'm sorry that this happened for you and Eloise and that you have to break the news to her, I can't imagine—"
"I think I'll wait to tell Eloise…." He let his voice trail off. "I think I need to be able to …" he paused, "I dunno, I don't even know what to do."
"My heart, I can help you navigate that conversation," she offered, "I don't mean to be there physically when you do tell her, but I've had some training in … how to speak to children around death… if you want my help, but you might have your own-"
"I'll definitely take whatever help you can give me," he said quickly. "This is going to be .. unchartered territory for me."
He picked up his burger and finished it off. Olivia did the same. Once he was done, he started on the large fries he'd bought so they could share. He realized he hadn't had a drink all afternoon so he picked up his coke and took a huge mouthful of the ice cold mix.
He offered it to Olivia, "here, drink something…" he held out the drink to her.
She gave him a smile and took it, sucking up a couple of mouthfuls.
It had been a long night but when they arrived back they found Lucy on the couch with Eloise who was whimpering in her arms. She was wrapped in a blanket and Lucy was trying to calm her tears.
"I'm really sorry," she looked up at them both, "she really just wouldn't settle tonight..."
"No, its okay, she could be picking up on the vibes…" Trevor murmured. Olivia had explained what had happened by text, not wanting the kids to overhear anything. "Hey baby, Daddy's home…" he spoke softly, his tone calm and gentle.
Lucy stood up, holding Eloise in her arms. Trevor held his hands out and took his daughter. "I want Mommy," she sobbed.
"I know you miss Mommy," he told her softly and Olivia could hear the pain in his voice. "But Mommy can't be with us right now, okay, so it's just Livvy and Daddy…" he began walking away, he stopped for a moment, turning back to them, "thank you Lucy," he took his little one upstairs.
"How are you guys doing?" Lucy asked, sensing that Trevor wanted a moment in private.
"We are alright, thanks kiddo… Trevor is…" she shook her head and shrugged, "I don't know, truthfully, just shell-shocked and devastated for Eloise."
Lucy nodded understandingly. "Let me know if you guys need any help with anything, my Mom said she had a really nice time with the kid."
Olivia grinned at the young woman. "Thanks Lucy, we appreciate you and your Mom so much… are you staying tonight or…? You are very welcome to, it's kind of late."
"No, I actually have met someone too," she smiled. "So, I am going to see her in a bit, but I wanted to clean up the kitchen before I go."
"Don't be silly, leave the kitchen, we can manage. I'll call you a car, go see your girl." Olivia was happy for Lucy too, she wanted only happiness for the young woman who did such an amazing job at taking care of her kids.
"Are you sure, Liv?" she asked, not convinced.
"Yes, I'm sure honey, off you go, go see your girl." She plucked out her phone and ordered her a car from her app.
"If you're sure…" Lucy went to the door and grabbed her overnight bag. "Thanks Olivia and thank you for thinking of me for the work with Eloise and Trevor, it's nice to be working full time with you guys, I really value my time with Noah and I'm falling in love with Eloise too…"
Olivia smiled at her and gave her a hug. "I hope you never leave us, Lucy, it will be a sad day if you decide to do something different. But we hope you'll still be a part of our family anyway."
They shared a smile. It wasn't often Lucy got a sentimental side of Olivia, but she knew that it was because of Trevor, she was softened and more relaxed and less worried about everything else going on around her.
"I know this might be the wrong moment to say so, but I just wanted to say that I'm so glad you have Trevor, he is so wonderful and you are absolutely glowing at the moment."
Olivia smiled at her. "Thanks, Luce, when you feel ready, I'd love to meet your girlfriend, we'll all have dinner. I'd also love for Trevor to meet your Mom."
She smiled at that. She gave Olivia another quick hug and left for her waiting car.
Olivia found Trevor in their bedroom with Eloise, holding her in his arms. Tears streaming down his cheeks as he ran his fingers through Eloise's fine hair as she slept peacefully.
Olivia felt a pang of distress hit her to see his pain. "My heart…" she murmured quietly, closing the door behind her. She made her way over to his side of the bed. He tried to sniff and wipe his tears away but it was no use.
"I'm sorry—"
"No," she shook her head, "don't you dare be sorry, Trevor. I am here, I am not going anywhere and I am certainly never going to judge your grief."
"I know she's my ex-" he started, but Olivia cut him off again.
"It doesn't matter that she was your ex, you were married to her for a long time and she is the mother of your child – three months ago you both were friends, you cared about one another, you are allowed to be devastated by the loss, my heart." She slid on to the bed beside him and rested her head on his shoulder and glanced at the sleeping child.
"Look at her, look how peaceful she is, how the fuck am I supposed to do this?" he asked, his voice breaking and more tears began to fall. "Olivia, how am I going to tell my daughter that she won't ever get to see her mother again?"
Olivia's eyes welled up and spilled over. She wrapped her arms around him as best as she could with him holding Eloise. She had nothing to say because she didn't know the answer. She felt his body begin to wrack with the onslaught of sobs that he desperately tried to control so as not to wake his daughter.
Olivia got up quickly and took Eloise from his arms and took her to bed, tucking her in. She went back to find Trevor trying to calm himself down. She climbed on to bed, climbing over his legs and straddling his hips. She wrapped her arms around him, guiding his head to her shoulder. She felt his arms wrap around her lower back, his embrace tight and firm, his hands gripped her sides with a different kind of need than she was used to – there was no chance he was letting go in a hurry.
Olivia encircled her arms around his neck and held him while he came undone – all the threads that were broken apart and frayed at the ends unraveled and he gave up trying to hold it all together himself. He wanted to be strong and masculine and get through it with an iron heart, but he couldn't, not when Olivia was so warm and compassionate and allowed him the vulnerability he needed to express his despair and shock and … sense of loss.
She let him sob until the heat emanating from his body from his tears and labored breathing became too much for her to sit with. She broke away, allowing a cool shift of air to hit both of their faces. His eyes were wet with water and his cheeks were stained and she tried not to think about how beautiful and vulnerable he looked as she took his cheeks in her palms, thumbing away the fresh tears that escaped but were almost drying up.
He avoided her eyes, feeling a little ashamed for becoming so upset. "My heart," she whispered, "I know it doesn't feel like it, but it's going to be okay. We're going to get through it and Eloise is going to be okay."
He nodded, his body still trembling. "Okay," he whispered back.
She stroked his face, "I can talk to the psychologist at work, we will work out a plan for the best way to give the news to Eloise. We can organize for her to do some play therapy, whatever makes it easier for her – we are fortunate enough to have these resources so we might as well use them…"
"She cries for Helena almost every day, how is she going to go when I tell her she'll never see her Mom again?" he asked, genuinely sad at the thought.
"There will be no easy way to answer those questions, Trevor, that's an honest reality, but we will do our best. I will be with you if you need me to be and we can only explain it as best as we can."
"What about Noah? He will obviously find out."
"I can talk to Noah, don't worry about him, he will be fine."
She kissed his cheek. "Look at me, Trev…" she commanded softly.
He averted his eyes and glanced at her, her eyes burned in to his with concern creasing the corners of her eyes. The warmth within them hit him and he was overcome with how much he loved her and appreciated her.
"It'll be okay. You need to process this, but it'll be okay."
He nodded again, hanging on to every word that came from her mouth.
"Why don't you have a shower and wash this day off of you and I'll go get you a glass of whisky and you can try your best to just slow it all down and have a good rest."
"Thanks…" he murmured. His arms slowly releasing from around her.
She went to move off of him but instead he pulled her toward him and kissed her lips. "Thank you, Olivia," he said softly again. She gave him an empathetic smile.
"You don't have to thank me…" she replied.
He pulled her back toward him and kissed her again. "I love you, I dunno what I'd do without you." She wasn't entirely sure what was happening, but he kissed her a third time, this time longer than the others.
His lips were soft and moist against hers. She took his face in her hands and let him kiss her – leaning in to whatever it was that he needed from her in the moment.
He pulled away slowly, recapturing her mouth a few times before he broke away from her. She expected him to get up, to go to the shower but he didn't. Instead he reached for the hem of her t-shirt and lifted it up, pulling it over her head.
"Trev-" she stopped him, placing a hand on her chest. "Are you sure this is what you want right now?" she asked him.
"I want you," he replied, his voice hushed. "I need you," he added. She was uncertain if he was just trying to forget, and maybe he was – maybe that was okay too.
When she made no attempt at protesting, he pulled her forward, her hips against his as he tossed her shirt aside and took off his own. Her lips met his for more kisses while his hands found the back of her bra, unclipping her and doing away with it, enjoying the skin-to-skin contact that he couldn't explain why he needed it so much.
Before she knew it, she was on her back with his body covering hers – they urgently tore at each other's clothes. His hands searched her body, covering her breasts and sliding down south to ready her. He blanked his mind and concentrated on just how much he loved his girlfriend, how much he owed to her and how he wanted to always make her happy and try so much harder than he'd ever tried with anyone before.
He slipped his hand down the front of her underwear. He was careful to not be too rough despite how badly he wanted to bury himself within her. He stroked her slowly and consistently until he watched her eyes close with desire and he began to feel her become aroused. "Okay?" he murmured.
She nodded quickly. He covered her mouth with his as he felt her hips responding to his fingers exploring her. She rocked her pelvis against his hand so he picked up his speed and moved deeper within her.
She whimpered with pleasure, reaching to stroke his hard member. He wasn't interested in doing anything except making love to her with the urgent feelings that had taken over his emotions. He grabbed her hand, pulling it away from him. He grabbed her thighs and guided himself in to her core. He let his eyes fall closed as he felt the warmth of her as he submerged within her. He let out a sigh of pleasure, relief, something but it felt right and natural and the only place he wanted to be.
He moved quickly and urgently inside of her, burying his face in her neck, planting kisses over her rhythmically as he moved in and out of her, thrusting and allowing her to get used to him before he moved deeply or put too much force behind his movements. He knew her well enough to read her body – when her hips began to roll against his he knew it was time to go deeper.
He thrusted hard inside of her over and over, her fingers digging in to the skin of his back, her hips jolting in surprise each time.
Olivia closed her eyes tightly and tried not to wince as she felt him hit a spot inside her so deeply that it hurt. She knew there was so much pent up emotion inside of him that he was getting carried away, she waited for him to slow down, but he just seemed to be getting faster and deeper. "Trevor," she gasped out loud, the sound of her voice cut through his grunt.
"Trev—" she said again, "it hurts," she told blurted out.
"Fuck, sorry," he apologized, pulling out of her for the moment, "I'm so sorry," he said again."
"Its okay," she lifted her head to kiss his mouth, "just … not as hard," she said softly. "Don't stop though," she added with a chuckle.
He kissed her back, feeling terrible. He continued to move carefully within her. "You can go faster, just… not… so deep."
He took her direction on board and continued to thrust faster as asked until he could tell she was enjoying it again. Knowing he had hurt her was almost enough for him to lose his erection, but she assured him she was fine, he blocked it out along with everything else and concentrated on her body beginning to tense which usually sent him close to the edge. He picked up speed and felt her thighs quivering beneath him, a pool of wetness between them both – it was enough, he thought as an orgasm ripped through him, his warmth filling her up.
He was out of breath and laid down beside her. He grabbed for her, pulling her close to him. He kissed her lips, "I'm so sorry for hurting you," he apologized, stroking her hair, "I got a bit carried away."
"It's okay love," she replied, giving him a small smile. "Don't worry about it, I'm fine."
"I know but…" he sighed, he kissed her, "I'm should have been more careful with you."
"Don't worry about it, let's just have a shower…" she suggested. Truthfully, it wasn't a big deal, she knew he was taking all of his frustrations and sadness and feelings out during the act, she wasn't all that surprised he got carried away.
He got up off of the bed and glanced over at her, his eyes widening in shock. "Olivia, you're bleeding," he said, "oh my goodness, I'm so sorry." She sat up and glanced at the blood. It wasn't a lot, just a little but still she was thrown; confused.
"Its okay," she said, "don't freak out," she thought for a few moments trying to work out when her last period had been. Since her last birthday her periods were infrequent and things were starting to slow down. It was possibly her period coming by to visit, a wave and a smile and disappearing again as it did.
"I did that… Fuck, Liv, does it hurt?"
"Trevor stop!" she snapped, "its fine, I promise, stop freaking out. It's a tiny bit of blood, I feel fine, it could just be my period, it'd certainly explain why I'm so friggin' sensitive in that area and weird in the stomach."
He took her hand and helped her up off the bed. "Fuck, we just bought those bed covers too," she muttered, annoyed.
They got in to the shower. Trevor fortunately was a little calmer. He slipped his arms around her after she washed herself off. "You okay?" she asked him.
"Yeah, I'm okay, are you?" he wondered.
She chuckled. "Yes, I promise, I'm fine. I think its just my period, it just rarely happens these days so its always a surprise."
"Wait, how do you not know when your period is roughly due?" he wanted to know, confused. Olivia almost laughed if he wasn't so genuinely clueless about the whole thing. "Doesn't it come like clockwork?"
She bit her lip to keep from smiling. "No babe, not when you get to my age, I've reached the full stop of my child rearing age," she told him, "it's happening far less than ever now and I'd say that with all of my other symptoms lately, I've be hitting the big M."
"M?" he rose an eyebrow.
"Menopause," she replied. "You know, I'll start to slow down, I'll be too old for sex…" she teased him.
"Never," he winked, "but seriously, it seems a little early, you're only 44… how does that happen so young?"
"It all starts happening around 45-50ish," she shrugged, "my Mom got it at 43 so I guess it's genetic that its maybe a bit premature, I dunno."
"What are the other symptoms?" he asked.
"Feeling very hot all of a sudden, feeling more tired than usual – which could be just the fact that I now have a sweet three-year-old keeping me on my toes," she smiled at him, "but still, I sweat a lot at night, I can't decide if I've been moody or not," she joked.
"No, you're never moody, I love that about you." He smiled.
She smiled back, "I guess I just got the period lottery tonight, sorry about that."
He shrugged, "don't be sorry, I don't mind." He kissed her. He gave her a little smile. "I've never had sex with someone on their period before," he looked bashful, his cheeks reddening.
She laughed. "Really? You were married for so long, how does that never happen?"
He shrugged, able to smile. "I guess she really didn't want to know about me during that time of the mouth,"
Olivia laughed, "It sounds a little bit like you probably weren't fully comfortable with it either—"
He hid a smile; she knew there was a tiny element of immaturity within him that she found sweet. "Maybe. I mean, just seems messy…"
She laughed. "Don't worry, I'm not suggesting we hit it every time I'm on my period…"
"This is honestly the most I've ever spoken to someone about their period," he started to laugh.
"Oh boy," Olivia rolled her eyes, "you really are old fashioned in that respect aren't you?"
He chuckled, "Maybe… but it doesn't really bother me with you, I feel comfortable to talk about anything with you, I hope you know that."
She smiled at him. "Sweet, you're growing up," she winked. He laughed and pulled her against him by her ass to kiss her, pushing her wet hair out of her face. "But how long will we need to wait til we have sex again?" he wondered.
She chuckled, "Usually about 5 days, but I'm not a spring chicken anymore so maybe less, we'll see…"
"Or… if it's urgent, it can be whenever, right?" he asked gingerly.
Olivia started to laugh, "I guess if you have a sex emergency, then sure we can talk about it."
They rinsed off and Olivia went downstairs in her pajamas to get a spare pad from her bag and to get them both a drink.
Once she was more comfortable she came back to bed and sat up with him as he watched TV for a little while.
"I think you should take the day off work tomorrow," she advised him.
"Why?" he wondered. "I have things to do…"
"I know, but you should take the day and spend it with Eloise, just the two of you – take her to the park or the zoo or something fun, just work on building a strong sense of trust between the both of you."
"You don't think she trusts me?" he asked, confused.
"Not as much as she did with her Mom, there's something so inherent between a mother and a child – but father's just have to do that extra bit to foster the same relationship. Eloise dotes on you, but right now it's still a little bit of a novelty. She needs to know that you're never going to leave her, that she can always get comfort in you when her Mom isn't there…"
He thought about it for a few moments and finally nodded. "Maybe I can try to talk to her, I guess it's hard because I don't know what of my conversation she'll remember in one hour let alone years down the track."
Olivia smiled. "Granted she probably won't remember conversations verbatim, but she will remember things if you keep instilling them in to her, tell her how much you love her constantly, how much Daddy is with her, how she can always ask you questions or give her as many cuddles as she needs – the more you tell her, the more she'll believe it and that relationship will strengthen."
He nodded again. He sighed. "How do you know all this?"
She gave him a smile as she sipped the whisky, "I've had a lot of time to think…"
He kissed her forehead. "You're smarter than me…" he replied resolutely. "Okay, I'll take her to the aquarium tomorrow, she really likes fish at the moment," he was able to laugh.
Olivia laughed too. "Yeah, what's with that? One is obsessed with locomotives and the other sea life… we're in for a treat."
"Daddy when I get older can I have this fish?" Eloise pointed to a giant hammerhead shark that floated above them. He chuckled.
"Maybe when you're a lot older, but for now we can't have it, where would we even put it?" he asked her balancing her on his hip.
Eloise giggled. "In Noah's bedroom!"
He chuckled. "Why would you want it in Noah's bedroom, wouldn't you want it in your bedroom?" he asked.
"Nooooo it might eat me while I sleep," she replied as if it was perfectly okay that the shark ate her new housemate.
Trevor threw his head back and laughed. "What? You think it would be okay if Noah got eaten up by the shark?!" he asked, incredulously, laughing with his daughter who got a burst of giggles.
"Noooo, don't be silly, Daddy!"
They walked through the the aquarium, Eloise became animated when she saw all of the schools of tropical fish, filling up the overhead tanks with blazes of vibrant color.
"Daddy, why isn't Livvy and Noah with us? Don't they like fishies?" she asked as she looked overhead at the fish swimming around them, momentarily stealing her attention.
"I just thought it would be nice to spend sometime together and have a daddy-daughter day, is that okay?"
She nodded and smiled at him, her tiny left dimple showing. He kissed her temple. "Good," he replied. "When we leave here Daddy is going to buy you a special treat, what do you think?"
"I like treats!" she exclaimed, "Do we get a special treat for Noah and Livvy, too?" she asked sweetly.
"If you like, you can pick out something for Noah and Livvy," he replied as they were drawing to the end of their visit.
"Daddy, I want to have that fishy," Eloise pointed shyly at the tropical blue, green and yellow stuffie. They stood in the gift shop and Trevor allowed her to choose something. It was super soft, almost pillow-like. He smiled and picked it up off the shelf. "This one?" he asked.
She nodded. He handed it to her. "It's all yours, sweetheart," he added.
She smiled at it. He was glad that Eloise had been brought up not to always ask for things. She'd learned very quickly the less she asked, the more he and Helena were inclined to treat her to new toys or something of her choosing. He noticed Noah was also less inclined to ask for things when they went out too, he was glad it was something he and Olivia didn't really have to discuss.
It was one thing he had been adamant about when his daughter had been born – he would not bring up an entitled child. She needed to know the value of things and he knew he had to get a lot stricter with certain rules that he'd previously been lax about since he was just a weekend Dad.
When he thought about it, it bothered him the Sean spent more time with Eloise than he did and she was calling him Daddy. Losing him had to have had some kind of impact, but the fact that the man ran from them both the first sign of struggles in the relationship was just proof that he was undeserving of his daughter's love.
He didn't know how anyone could look his child in her beautiful eyes and walk away without regard for her wellbeing. He was angry that Sean didn't even bother himself to contact him to let him know Eloise was at risk.
"Daddy can we get the other one for Noah?" Eloise asked.
Trevor nodded, "Aww Elly, that's such a sweet idea, you are so kind to think of Noah…" he smiled at her and kissed her. He picked the opposite colored fish beside the shelf. "Are you going to pick a name for your fishy?" he asked her.
Eloise looked at it for a moment and looked at her Dad with her big eyes that replicated his own and grinned, showing her little tiny baby teeth and nodded enthusiastically. "Yes! I'm going to name him Barry!"
"Barry!?" Trevor laughed, "why do you want to name him Barry?"
She shrugged, "I like it."
Trevor was amused, "Okay, let's go pay for Barry and Noah's new friend."
Trevor took his daughter next to McDonald's for her favorite Happy Meal. He was glad he had listened to Olivia – it was nice to spend time with her, reminding himself that she was already forming in to her own person with her own characteristics and ideas, he needed to get to know her and foster her personality, not just exist as her father.
He watched her happily eat her fries with a smile on his face. He plucked out his phone and did something he wasn't usually a fan of. "Hey sweetie, look at Daddy," he prompted her. Eloise looked up at her father and noticed the camera poised to take a photo. "If you like, you can smile. I'm going to send this photo to Livvy."
Eloise grinned, mid-bite of her fries.
Trevor snapped the picture and laughed. "Very nice," he complimented her. He added a message, "Hi baby, we're just eating lunch. I'm having such a good day, we've been to the Aquarium, she wanted me to get her a hammerhead shark but it would have to live in Noah's room? How is your day going. Love you so much xxx"
"Honey, what do you want to do after you eat lunch?" he asked his daughter, setting the phone down on the table, helping himself to one of her nuggets.
"Ummm," she thought about it for a moment, "I wanna go see Mommy!"
Trevor winced, feeling a pang of pain hit him. "Honey we can't see Mommy," he told her regretfully. "Not today, I'm sorry."
"Why not, Daddy? I haven't seen Mommy for a long long time, I miss her. Is she still sick?" she wondered.
He considered whether or not it was the right time to tell her. She stared up at him with curiosity, the grin from moments earlier long forgotten.
"Yeah," he swallowed the words as they slowly came to surface. "Yeah, she's still a little sick," he nodded. He realized he couldn't do it, he couldn't break her heart in the middle of her favorite place to eat and he wasn't sure he was emotionally equipped to tell her without Olivia by his side or at least close by.
"When will she be better?" she asked him, breaking through his thoughts with her soft voice.
"I'm not sure, my sweetheart," he murmured, reaching over to smooth his daughter's face. "But you have me," he told her, "I'm here with you and as much as Mommy misses you, she'd be happy you're here with your Daddy."
He watched her lower lip quiver and he felt helpless. He reached over and smoothed her little cheeks with his forefingers. "Eloise, its okay sweetheart, I know you miss Mom, it's okay to be sad about that. I won't be mad if you get upset sometimes."
He watched her sweet face crumple with tears. He stood up and plucked her up from the other side of the booth and held her against his body. He struggled to bag up the rest of her nuggets and fries. "Come on, we've had such a big day, why don't we go home and we can have a rest and watch a movie, huh?"
"Yeah…" she agreed, her voice tearful as she laid her head on his shoulder. He carried her home and by the time he walked in the door she was asleep.
He laid her down on the couch and put a blanket over her. He put her left-over lunch on the counter and went upstairs to get changed in to some sweats and a t-shirt, hoping Liv wouldn't get home too late.
He checked his phone to see if she'd managed to respond. "She looks like she's having such a great day with her wonderful Dad. It's a slow day and I'm glad, I think I'm coming down with something, I have felt rotten all morning, almost puked up my coffee and I'm so tired… shouldn't have stayed up so late."
Trevor furrowed his brow, concerned for her. "Olivia come home, I'll make you some soup and you can get in to bed, you need to take care of yourself and listen to your body."
A few minutes later as he settled in to the couch beside his daughter and turned the TV on, Liv responded. "Sonny is trying to pull rank and send me home. He's a good kid, I'll be home soon. Are you home? I'll get Lucy to get Noah from school."
Trevor replied, "Don't worry, if you're home I'll go and pick him up. Make sure you come home, Olivia, come home and go to bed."
He put his phone down and set an alarm for 3pm
Olivia got inside and closed the door quietly just in case Eloise was having her afternoon nap. The house was quiet save for the television. She found them both in the living room asleep on the couch. She went upstairs and got changed from her work clothes and texted Lucy to see if she was able to grab Noah from school.
Lucy was still scheduled to come and watch the kids in the afternoon for a few hours and go through Noah's homework and play some games educational games with Eloise.
Olivia changed in to her most comfortable rose pink satin pajama pants, warm house slippers and one of Trevor's t-shirts.
She had brought up the contents of her stomach just after lunch and figured that she'd come down with a touch of gastro. She was so exhausted that she didn't make it back downstairs. She wanted to go and give Trevor a cuddle on the couch but the exhaustion felt like she'd hit a wall. She slid in to the inviting bed and pulled the covers over her and fell asleep as quickly as her eyes closed.
Trevor woke up to his alarm and quickly turned it off before Eloise woke up. He texted Liv to see how far away she was as he stumbled sleepily in to the kitchen and dining area. He noticed Liv's handbag on the counter. He didn't hear her come in. He gave a yawn and went upstairs to see where she was and found her in bed asleep, curled up beneath the blankets looking a little pale.
He took a seat on the edge and rubbed his eyes. "Liv…" he whispered softly, placing his hand on her arm, giving her a gentle shake. "Sweetheart," he was concerned that she wasn't well.
She opened her eyes, staring at him for a second, trying to gain her bearings for a second. It was daylight – she was still in bed, Trevor—next to her. She thought for a moment she had slept until the following day. She went to sit up when she was hit with a spell of dizziness.
"Its okay, just… rest. Are you doing okay?" he asked, watching her sink back down.
She nodded, "Yeah…. Just feel off, I'll be fine."
"Stay in bed, I'm just about to go get Noah from school."
"Oh, no," Liv shook her head, "Don't worry, I texted with Lucy when I saw you sleeping—she's getting him and bringing him back here to do his homework and do some fun tutoring with Elly…" she explained.
"Okay, thanks for organizing that, baby…" he kissed her warm forehead. "Are you sure you don't have a fever or something?" he wanted to know.
"I dunno, I'm just so friggin' tired," she sighed.
"Is it because of your period?" he wondered.
She shrugged, "Maybe hormones, my period is barely happening anyway," she replied, "its as good as gone already."
"Sorry that you're not feeling so crash hot, you stay in bed and I'll make us some soup for dinner."
"Thanks babe," she murmured, managing a tired smile. He stroked her hair from her face and leaned over to kiss her.
"Just take it easy, okay?" he told her with seriousness, "you're doing too much, if you're too tired to take on everything, let me know, I'll understand."
She shook her head, "its not that, I dunno, I'm just run down, I've felt like this for a week or so, I'm pretty sure I've been on that weird cusp of coming down with something ever since the week we got back from Connecticut."
"Okay sweetie," he kissed her again. "I love you, I really hope you feel better soon, I hate that I can't make it better."
Olivia loved him so much. "You know what?" she began, a tiny bit of pep to her.
"What?" he asked, his eyes searching her make-up free face.
"It has been years since I've had someone take care of me when I've been feeling under-the-weather and I am just grateful to be able to whine to someone," she gave a half-laugh in spite of herself, "so if that's all you can give to me, a set of ears, I will take it."
He chuckled at how sweet she was. "I can loan you more than a set of ears to complain to. I will take care of you until you're better, you can rely on me Liv, you know that, no matter what, I'll take care of the responsibilities until you feel well enough. I know you'd do the same for me."
She sighed with contentment, happy to have such a supportive man. "I love you," she smiled at him.
"I love you too," he replied. "I'll be downstairs, send me a text if you need anything okay?"
"Thank you." He kissed her forehead and left her to go back to sleep. And she did, immediately. She fell asleep and slept soundly and solidly until Trevor woke her up for dinner.
"Daddy is Livvy sick like Mommy?" Eloise asked from her high chair. Noah glanced at Trevor, alarmed. He knew Eloise hadn't seen her Mom for weeks. "Does that mean I won't get to see my Mommy?" he fired the question at his father.
"No, no, your Mom is okay, she's just very tired and she thinks she ate something bad, bud, it's okay. She's just upstairs sleeping." Trevor assured him. He turned to Eloise, "honey, Mom is a different sick to Livvy," he replied, "Mommy is too sick to look after you right now," he told her, wondering for how long he was going to be able to keep up the jig for.
Trevor turned to Lucy and shared a weak smile with her. He knew that she was aware of what was going on. "Lucy, do you think you could help the kids with dinner while I go and take some food up to Olivia?" he asked her.
"Of course."
"Thanks, they've both already had a glass of water so maybe no drinks til they finish up and help yourself to dinner too," he added.
"Oh, its fine I'll eat later."
"Don't be shy," he said with more ease, "mi casa es su casa."
They both laughed.
More spotting, Olivia rolled her eyes. She thought she was done but started to believe it was from how rough Trevor had got with her. Even though she had hit the change in her life, her elusive periods were not that light.
She was still a little tender which she found to be weird.
"Sweetie, are you in the bathroom?" Trevor called out.
"Yeah, I'll be a sec," she called out. She finished up and washed her hands and emerged from the bathroom to find Trevor with a little bed table she'd seen him use while working late at night in the bedroom. "Oh, my god," she murmured with a tired smile, "you are so sweet…"
He smiled back at her. He loved how much she appreciated him. He didn't ever mind doing things for her because it was always met with her unadulterated appreciation.
"Back in to bed," he ordered her, pulling back the covers. "Eat your soup and there's more if you need it."
She got back in and let him fuss over her, fluffing her pillows behind her, as she eased back against the bed head. She chuckled at him, "its okay honey, I am feeling a lot better after my big sleep…"
"I don't care," he replied, "you're on bed rest. I hope you're not planning on going to work tomorrow-"
"I'm going to work tomorrow if I feel better," she replied, "I need to…"
He decided not to say anything, instead he sat beside her, helping her with the table over her lap. She thanked him. "How did it go with Eloise today?" she asked him curiously, taking a mouthful of the soup.
It was delicious. She let her eyes close and a smile cross her lips. "Jeez, you really are a dream, you can cook, clean, parent, take care of business, take care of your girl…"
He chuckled. "Is it okay?" he asked.
"Its amazing, perfect for the cold night," she replied. "Sorry, tell me, how did the day go."
He sat beside her and shrugged. "She was so cute at the Aquarium, she was really fascinated by the tropical fish, a guy who worked there came and explained about some of the ones she liked the most which was really nice of him. She got to go and hold some star-fish and hold a baby turtle in her hand…" he told her.
Olivia realized he was just going through the motions, not really getting beneath the surface of how he felt spending the day with her knowing that her mother was no longer with them. "And then I heard endless reasons as to why she should have a turtle as a pet," he flashed her a smile.
"And what else?" she prompted him.
Trevor knew what she was getting at.
"I dunno, honestly honey we were eating lunch and I realized that you were right, I got the luxury of being a Disneyland Dad for the most part, you know… being the fun place she got to come and I would spoil her to some degree because I didn't get to spend much time with her. I need to just get to know my daughter, she's turning in to a little person and she has such a great little character. I need her to know I'll never walk away from her…"
Olivia nodded slowly.
"I realized that she loves color and vibrant things. She really thrives on physical contact and her imagination is spectacular…" he found himself grinning. "I know its silly, but I feel happy that I realized those things that I've never paid attention to before."
Olivia smiled. "See, this is what is going to happen – the more time you spend with her, the deeper that capacity to love her will be, it's totally all-consuming and you will see elements of yourself reflecting back at you sometimes that honestly, might not be cute," she laughed, "but mostly the more you connect with her on those levels, the more she will trust and want you over anyone else."
"I want her to want you too, Liv, is that okay?" he asked, "I know you are not her mother, the same way as I'm not Noah's Dad, but I want her to be able to turn to you too in those moments where she needs comfort. I suspect you're more warm and nurturing than I am."
Olivia smiled, honored that he wanted her to be such a deep-rooted part of his daughter's life. "Of course it's okay. I am sure the same way that you will, my capacity to love Eloise will grow exponentially as she and I connect deeper and I understand her personality and she understands mine… and also, I think you underestimate just how warm and nurturing you are," she added, "do you know that you're honest-to-goodness the only 100% unconditional safe space that I've ever
had?"
He glanced at her, a little dumbfounded, shocked by her admission; also honored. "Number 1, I'm honored and number 2, I'm sorry that its taken this long for you to have that."
"Thanks," she smiled. "But its just a testament to how open-hearted you are."
"Thanks baby, that means a lot to me coming from you."
They shared a smile. "I bought her a stuffie," he told her, "A tropical fish and she insisted that we get Noah one too, so we did and they've been playing with them together all afternoon, it's so sweet… she wanted to get one for you too, but I said that you didn't need one…"
"That's so sweet," Olivia replied. "They've had what, like two fights between them?" he asked.
"Three if you include the when Noah got upset because he thought I was taking the day off to spend with you and Eloise today." Olivia laughed.
Trevor laughed too. "I've realized everything has got to be equal, if she gets something, he has to, vice versa…."
"But its nice that they're thinking of one another without the prompting, we need to really reinforce that," she added.
"I agree.." he paused, "I dunno how long I can put off telling her about Helena. After lunch I asked her what she wanted to do and she said she wanted to see her Mommy and when I tried to explain why she couldn't she got so upset… she cried all the way home—it wasn't tantrum crying either, it was just… sad whimpering and it's fucking heart breaking."
"You should tell her, Trev…" she said softly, "I know it's going to be one of the hardest things you're going to ever do, but you have to tell her and you might have to keep reminding her because she is still so little, she might not fully grasp what all of it means."
She could see that Trevor was becoming visibly upset thinking about it. "How?" he asked softly, "How am I going to do this, Liv?" he asked, clearing his throat.
"You're going to reach in deep inside of you and you're going to find that strength honey," she told him, reaching out to cover his hand with hers. "I love you and I can be there with you if you want."
He nodded. "Thanks Liv… I think I'm gonna need you there…" he paused, "anyway, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bum you out."
"Don't be silly, babe," she replied, "why don't you sit here while I finish and I'll come downstairs and hang out with you and the kids in front of the TV and we have some quiet time."
"That actually sounds pretty amazing. Glass of red or is your tummy still a bit off?" he asked.
"I don't know, I'll just see how it all goes down, for now I'll just stick to water or tea."
"Okay, are you all good if I have a quick shower?" he asked her. He needed a moment to try to collect his thoughts.
"Of course I am. Is Lucy still here?" she asked.
"Yeah, she's eating dinner with the kids," he replied, kissing her forehead.
"What's happened, baby?" Trevor asked his daughter. It was just after 7; she was tired, he thought.
"Mommy, Eloise climbed on the counter from the chair to get the ice cream out and Lucy caught her and said no and Eloise cried," Noah tattled.
"And I bet you had nothing to do with that, right?" she asked rhetorically not believing that Noah hadn't put her up to it.
"That's right…" he nodded.
"Noah," Olivia warned him as Trevor crouched down to meet his daughter's level. "What did I tell you about lies. Eloise is very little and she could have been hurt and you know better." She turned to Lucy, "thanks for coming Lucy, sorry it's been a bit crazy today."
"That's alright, are you feeling better?" she asked her boss.
"Yeah mostly." Olivia replied. She glanced at Trevor who was trying to reason with his daughter but she was only becoming more worked up. She started screaming for her Mom and stamping her feet on the spot.
She felt for her boyfriend who stopped trying to discipline her. He drew her body toward him and cuddled her. "Mommy isn't here, I'm here, baby, Daddy is here and Livvy and Noah and Lucy, but Mommy is sick-"
She wasn't listening. He picked her up and glanced at Liv with a look of brokenness that made her breath catch in her throat. "Lucy, do you think I could ask you a huge favor?" she noticed her son looking on at Eloise and Trevor with concern.
"Mommy," he tugged at Trevor's robe that she was wearing for warmth, "why can't Eloise see her Mommy, she really wants to see her."
Olivia put her arm around him and kissed his forehead.
"Of course Liv, what do you need?" Lucy asked.
"Noah," Olivia turned to her son, "I need you to go upstairs and get your coat and come back here." He seemed confused but he did what he was told.
"Could you please take Noah to get some dessert, I think we need to have a chat with Eloise." Olivia knew that if she left it to Trevor it was quite possible Eloise wouldn't be finding out about her mother until her 18th birthday. She understood why he was stalling, but she knew it would only harm his daughter in the long run.
"Sure Liv, why don't you send me a message when you think we should come back, we can have a play on the jungle gym at McDonalds or something," she suggested with an empathetic smile.
"Thanks…" Noah came back with his jacket and put it on. He turned to Liv, "where are you going?" he wondered, thinking they were both leaving. It was hard to hear him over Eloise's intermittent loud fitful sobs.
"No where, Lucy is just taking Noah out for a little awhile…" she replied pointedly.
She watched Trevor's shoulder's slump as he turned away taking his daughter to the living room. She turned to Noah and kissed his cheek. "Honey, you're gonna hang out with Lucy for a little while okay?"
"Will you be here when I get back?" he asked, "Trevor said you were sick…" he pouted, "I don't want you to go like Elly's Mommy," he added.
"Sweet boy, I'm not going anywhere, I feel much better tonight. I promise." She gave him a hug and kissed his forehead. "Love you."
She saw them out the door and drew in a deep breath and headed out to the living room where Trevor was with Eloise, her tears had calmed down to whimpering sobs, the kind he had told her about. "I know what you're gonna say," he began as she came in to the room, "but I don't know that right now-"
"Trev," she said gently, sitting down beside him on the edge of the chaise corner, stroking Eloise's soft curls. "No time is going to be good… the longer you wait the harder its going to be…"
He stared at Olivia for a few moments. She saw his eyes filling up but he blinked the clear film of water away. "I can't…" he said in a whisper.
She nodded at him slowly. "You can… you have to." She convinced him with her eyes. He nodded too, almost hypnotically; he knew she was right, he was just putting off the inevitable. No psychologist advice, no parental books or books on grief could help with the pain that it made him feel.
With air that felt too heavy and thick to squeeze from his lungs he drew his three-year-old daughter away from his body. "Honey, it's time to calm down okay?" he said softly, "Daddy and Livvy want to talk to you about Mommy," he told her, "but I need you to be calm."
Eloise looked at Olivia and then back at Trevor, her hair messy and in her face. Olivia gave the little girl a smile and pushed her hair from her face. "Hi sweetie," she greeted her. "You're a little upset tonight aren't you?" she asked her.
Eloise nodded. So did Olivia, agreeing with her. "Yeah, I can see how sad you are, but that's okay, sometimes I get sad and I miss my Mommy too," she told her.
As Eloise's attention was piqued, Olivia continued, "I have an idea, why don't we go up to the bathroom and grab a cloth to wipe your face and then we can go to your room and you can show Daddy and I the toy that you like the most that reminds you of your Mom – or maybe you have something special that Mommy gave you." Her tone was soft and calming and Eloise seemed to respond to it well.
She sniffed and agreed. "After that, we'll come back downstairs here with Daddy and have a big girl talk…"
"Okay."
"Okay, come on…"
She turned back to Trevor. "You can do this," she said sincerely.
He nodded.
He knew which of Eloise's toys she would choose and it was only confirmed when she came down the stairs holding the ratty old cuddle cloth that she'd had since she was a baby. Every night before bed Helena would tuck it beneath her arm and kiss Eloise and the cuddle cloth goodnight. It was a ritual he had to go through with her as well.
He had a tissue box on the couch and eased himself down on to the floor. He leaned against the back of the couch and waited for Olivia to do the same.
"Come take a seat over here with Daddy," he told his daughter. He took her hand and she chose to sit on Olivia's legs instead, facing her father and looking at them expectantly. "Honey, Daddy and Livvy want to speak to you about something serious, okay?"
She nodded.
"It's a big, brave girl talk," Olivia told her gently, "but it might be upsetting and you might like to cry and maybe Daddy or Livvy might cry too but that's okay."
"I don't want you to cry," Eloise replied softly.
Trevor was already choked up. "Daddy is definitely going cry," he said with a little chuckle.
"Its okay Daddy," Eloise said softly, repeating Olivia.
He stifled a sob at his daughter's sweetness. He managed to hold it back. He drew in a deep breath. "We need to talk about Mommy…"
He felt his daughter's eyes fall over him, looking at him. "Mommy got very sick. Remember when Daddy came to pick you up and Mommy was in bed and she couldn't get up so then we went on a holiday for Daddy's birthday?"
She nodded. "Mommy was realllly sick," she agreed.
"That's right, she was really sick," he agreed. He avoided his child's eyes for a moment. "Mommy went to the hospital to try to get better and the doctors tried to help her but she was very sick."
"Is she better now?" Eloise asked, "Call her Daddy, call her and ask her if we can visit."
"I can't call her, baby," Trevor said softly choking on his own words.
"Why not?" she asked, staring back in to his eyes, innocent and sweet and not fully understanding the gravity what he was trying to get at. "Your Mommy—" he paused, trying to compose himself, but his throat had all but closed; "Eloise, Mom was so sick—" he tried again, his voice broke and he felt the tears slide down his cheeks.
"Don't cry Daddy," she said in a whisper. Olivia wiped her own tears that managed to escape the corners of her eyes.
"I can't—" he said to Liv, "I can't—I'm sorry-" she put her hand on his wrist.
"Eloise," she began, "Daddy's very sad about what he has to tell you, but we both love you so much."
She turned to Trevor. She waited for him but he shook his head. "Eloise," Olivia sniffed, "your Mommy was too sick and she tried her best to get better for you because she loved you more than…." Her own voice began to waver, "more than you can ever know, but she was too sick…"
Her big eyes blinked blithely at Olivia and she knew that despite this child's age, she got it. "I can't see Mommy?" she asked, her voice so small that it Trevor could barely hold it in anymore.
"Mommy's gone with God…" he told her softly, "we can't see her anymore."
"Never ever?" Eloise asked and Olivia knew that she was on the cusp of beginning to cry again.
"I'm sorry my sweet heart," Trevor shook his head, "I wish I could fix this for you but I can't, Mommy was too sick so she had to go with God but she loved you so much."
He glanced at his daughter who's eyes were quick to fill with tears ands pill over. "How will I see her?" she asked, breaking in to a tearful sob.
"You can't see her," Trevor told her honestly, "I wish there was something that I could do…"
Olivia smoothed the child's wet cheeks. "Who's gonna be my Mommy now?" she asked with alarm, her face crumpling as the reality set in.
It was enough for Olivia's eyes to spill over.
Olivia scooted closer to Trevor having never witnessed him looking so broken before. "I'm not your Mommy," Liv continued stroking the child's hair, "but I will always be here for you to do some of the things that Mommy did for you, I promise…." She told her.
Trevor sniffed, "And Daddy will always be here, I'll never leave you, Elly, I promise you never have to worry about me going anywhere."
Trevor scooped his daughter from Olivia's lap and felt Eloise wrapped herself around her him while Liv put an arm around him, stroking his hair while he comforted his daughter, silently crying; tears streaking down both of their cheeks.
It hurt her more than she could have ever expected to see her man in pain.
It all felt a little too brutal for them but they had no choice but to wait for Eloise to go to sleep so that they could have a conversation with Noah too. Olivia wanted to wait just a little bit longer to have a conversation about death with her son, but she figured that it had to happen.
Trevor lay his daughter down in bed and they met Noah in his room as he was getting in to his pajamas.
"Mommy why are you sad?" he asked her watching her brush some tears from her cheeks. She couldn't seem to turn off the steady flowing tap of water from her eyes. Trevor had managed to hold his back but his face was filled with a tension she wasn't used to seeing.
"Mommy and Trevor have just had some sad news, honey and we need to talk to you about it…"
He looked a little concerned. She asked Noah to scoot aside so she could sit down and lifted his soft, warm little body in to her lap. She kissed him atop of his curls. She knew this conversation was going to strip back one of the layers of his sweet-baby-like innocence that she was desperately trying to hold on to.
"Remember earlier when we told you and Eloise that her Mommy has been very sick?" Olivia asked him. He looked up and nodded.
"Eloise's Mommy was too sick and she didn't get better…" her voice trailed off.
"Did she die?" he asked so innocently that both Trevor and Olivia were both shocked by the bluntness of the question. He clearly didn't understand the gravity of his words.
"Yes," Trevor nodded, "do you understand what that means?"
Noah pouted and glanced at Trevor. "It means she won't get to see her Mommy again." He looked back to his own Mom who brushed fresh tears from her cheeks. "Its okay Mommy," he hugged Olivia. "Don't be sad, Eloise can share you with me so she won't have to go without a Mommy."
Olivia let a sob escape the back of her throat, moved by how sweet her little boy was. Trevor brushed away a few of his own tears and encircled his arm around them both, planting a kiss on Noah's temple for his kindness and one for Olivia because of just how empathetic she was.
When Noah drew away he looked at Trevor, "Trev are you sad like Mommy?" he asked him.
"Yeah bud, I'm very sad. Eloise's Mommy was very special to me for a long time too. We were very good friends," he explained. "So I'm sad."
Noah extended his arms out to Trevor, wanting to give him a cuddle too. Trevor managed a smile, wondering when and how it was that he had fallen in love with Noah as unconditionally as he had with Olivia. There was nothing he wouldn't have done for him. Noah hugged him tightly.
Trevor glanced Olivia and circled his arm around Noah. "Thank you for my cuddle, bud," he said softly.
"I love you, Trev," Noah replied.
"I love you too…" he replied, breaking their embrace.
He looked at his Mom who had momentarily managed to stop crying for the moment.
"I know Mommy doesn't like it," he began, "but you are like my Daddy, Trev, but I just don't call you that—but Mommy says in my mind I can think whatever I like but I can't say it-"
"Noah, that's not-" Olivia began with a sigh but just decided to let it go. She hated it when he used her words against her.
Trevor hid a smirk knowing that Olivia's words had come back to bite her in the ass. "I love you like I'd love a son too, buddy," Trevor replied, "but for now—"
"You're my friend Trevor," Noah finished off his sentence as if he were 14 and not 6.
Olivia gave it no attention, she knew Trevor was pushing for more too, but she wasn't ready. "Honey, it's time for bed," she announced, "but I want you to be extra kind to Eloise, okay? We need to all look after each other."
"Okay Mommy, I will give Elly a big hug tomorrow."
"I'm sure she would love that," Trevor smiled. Olivia tucked him in and kissed him goodnight. She let Trev say goodnight too.