It's a double chapter weekend. Part 2 of 2;
Disclaimer: This first chapter contains mature/explicit content. As I said in the prior chapter's author's note, I do not intend to change the rating of this story because of one or two chapters. Instead, my plan is to include a disclaimer for these rare occasions.
Kate didn't remember the conversation that followed as she said her quick goodbyes to Evan or the way she negotiated attempts to grab her attention from passersby and old acquaintances. All she remembered was the growing anticipation and disorientation that guided her through the crowd back toward the desolate hall that would take her to the bank of elevators and her waiting girlfriend.
After what felt like far too long she peeled herself away, she rounded the corner and saw Sophie leaning casually against the wall next to an open elevator. She was just as stunning and jaw-dropping as she had been minutes earlier. She stalled for a moment, watching Sophie bring Kate's unfinished whisky to her lips and take a casual sip as she waited for Kate to join her. She glanced over and caught sight of Kate and offered a quick smile. It was enough to make Kate practically melt with anticipation.
The elevator ride could not have been more nerve wracking. The moment the doors closed on the couple Sophie's lips and hands were on Kate. There was an unexpected energy and desire behind the way Sophie's fingers slid around Kate's waist. Maybe that desire had been there all along and Kate was only now just letting herself see it, but in either case, she couldn't quite relax into it. She'd been with… a fair number of women. It wasn't necessarily a secret that Kate had been explorative before she met Sophie, but never once had she been hesitant or felt the reservations she did now. For as much as she'd built this moment up in her mind, the last thing she wanted was to ruin it.
"Is this ok?" Sophie asked, pulling away from Kate. She may not have known exactly what was cooking in Kate's brain, but she knew her well enough to know her touch was reserved and her mind was not wholly in the moment. "If it's not, we-we can go back. We can-"
"What? No, no, I…" Kate faltered, wanting to reassure Sophie that this was exactly what she wanted. This may be all she'd ever wanted. And more than anything, she wanted Sophie to know that. She had spent months dreaming about this moment. She wanted everything about this moment to be perfect.
"Kate, I..." Sophie said softly, her voice trembling with her own nerves. It was a hesitant excitement. "I love you, and I… I want this."
The elevator slowed to a stop and Kate felt the weight of the moment hit her. She wanted this, too. She nodded, mute from a wave of anxiety and arousal. Sophie's hand found hers and gave her a small squeeze.
"Cool," Sophie said softly, and Kate felt the edges of her lips curve upward. She couldn't imagine loving this woman anymore than she already did, yet somehow she'd just hit a new level.
The steps of anticipation from the elevator down the hall and to the door were a blur. Kate felt the plastic card between her trembling fingers as she slotted it into the holder. It was her one anchor to reality; everything else felt like a dream.
The door opened, casting the hall's fluorescent light into the dimly lit space. Kate's eyes didn't need to adjust because she already wasn't seeing clearly. They entered. Kate heard the click of the door behind her. A lamp left on next to the bed was the lone illumination. Nothing else caught her attention because her eyes were solely on Sophie and the soft shadows cast by the lone bulb.
Kate's heart was racing. Her face felt flush. Her brain might as well have been lobotomized for how effectively it formulated thoughts. Fortunately for her meager courage, Sophie was the first to react. Her hands slid around Kate as their lips reconnected. It was only then that Kate felt the first part of her surrender to the excitement of the moment.
A minute was lost to this. It was a minute of transition where Kate's anxiety faded and her desires crept to the surface. Her hands grew impatient, wanting more of Sophie's skin under them.
"Is this ok?" Kate asked against Sophie's lips, her fingers playing at the edges of Sophie's shirt. The words felt strange. They lived together. They'd worked out together. Kate had experienced an underdressed Sophie Moore on more occasions than she could recall, but it was a permission she still wanted. A small nod of approval was all it took for Kate's hands to glide the top up her torso, bunching the fabric as she went before finally slipping it over Sophie's head and discarding it behind her.
"You are," she began, her voice heavy with want and her hands trembling a fraction of an inch over the newly exposed skin. "You are just so-"
Sophie cut Kate off with her lips, sending any of Kate's remaining functioning brain cells into chaos. Kate had tasted Sophie's lips more times than she could count. Every time felt like the first, and tonight was no different. The electricity that followed swept through Kate's body and, for the first time, she didn't push it down. She let the arousal build inside her as she felt Sophie's hands pull at her with a similarly impatient eagerness.
Kate's lips trailed down Sophie's jawline before wandering a path down her neck to her shoulder. Her hands gripped lightly against Sophie's skin, revelling in the moment. Kate let her left hand slide up to Sophie's bra, cautiously cupping her breast. When her lips felt Sophie's soft moan vibrate through her throat, she took it as permission to slide her thumb over the fabric. This elicited another soft moan and Kate found herself fighting not to unclasp it entirely and expose the soft, tender skin beneath.
For as much as Kate wanted to tear every piece of fabric away, the last thing she wanted was to rush this moment.
This didn't last long as Sophie's hand brought Kate's lips back to hers, and Kate felt the tug of Sophie's hands pulling Kate closer. There was a longing to the way Sophie kissed Kate that sent her mind reeling with heated want. Her bottom lip was captured between Sophie's teeth, and Kate found herself pressing Sophie back until the wall met her, pinning her to it with her own body.
Sophie's hands clutched at Kate's shirt, her fingers slipping beneath and running up her back, sending a chill across Kate's skin before they slid back down to Kate's waist. They remained there, nervously playing at the hem of the shirt.
Kate pulled back from Sophie, her breath heavy, and her eyes trained on the brown orbs in front of her. "If this… Soph, we can stop-"
"No," Sophie said simply, her hands catching up with the moment as she mimicked Kate's actions from earlier and pulled the shirt fabric up and over Kate's head. "I don't want to stop."
A smile of relief and pride broke over Kate's face before a shudder from Sophie's hands gripping at Kate's newly exposed skin sent her right back toward Sophie's lips.
This back and forth ultimately led them blindly toward the bed. Kate fell first, and Sophie immediately followed. She lowered herself down, recapturing her lips as Kate's hands found their way back to Sophie. Her fingers wandered, playing at the edges of Sophie's bra before they located the clasp in the back. She paused, letting a moment pass in silent communication before she released the clasp, letting the straps fall. Sophie's breasts fell, exposed and pressed themselves against Kate, renewing the hunger already clawing its way to the surface.
Kate's hands gripped at Sophie's side and, in one single move, rolled, placing herself above Sophie. A small sound of surprise vibrated against Kate's lips, and she felt a smirk of satisfaction at how quickly Sophie recovered. It was only now that Kate felt her confidence return. The uncertainty and hesitation from earlier paled in comparison to her need to touch, to taste Sophie.
Kate's fingers slid to the skin-tight pants. To her surprise, Sophie's hand slipped past to the fastener first. Kate pulled back, a playful smirk appraising her girlfriend. A blush warmed Sophie's cheeks.
"What?"
"I love you," Kate grinned, offering a quick kiss before crawling backwards to stand at the edge of the bed. Before Sophie could ask, her intentions became clear: Kate's fingers hooked at the edges of Sophie's pants, making quick work by sliding them down Sophie's legs. She hungrily eyed her girlfriend, taking her slow, patient time tossing the pants aside before removing her own.
The uncertainty of the moment began to fade as Kate returned to the bed. Her warmth and presence was a comfort in this new form of intimacy. It wasn't that Sophie was afraid; it was that she was nervous about this unknown, and Kate seemed to understand that. At each step she offered a quick smile or soft words of reassurance. Each of these took away the part of Sophie that was caught up in her head and brought her back to the moment; to each touch.
It was only when Kate was certain Sophie's internal whispers of hesitation were gone that she slipped her hand between Sophie's legs. Her touch slipped over Sophie's panties and onto the wetted fabric. A soft moan of unexpected pleasure filled the room.
"Sophie Moore," Kate muttered into Sophie's ear, sending a chill down her spine. "What am I going to do with you?"
Sophie didn't answer. She didn't know how. She was lost to the light strokes that were sending her heart-rate higher; that were catching her breath in her throat; that were sending her hips thrusting for more.
That's when Kate's hand slipped past the fabric.
Sophie inhaled sharply as she felt Kate's finger fill her. Kate's lips suppressed another moan caught in Sophie's throat. Her hands gripped at Kate. It was a feeling Sophie never knew she needed.
It was also a feeling that ended too soon. Her confusion was unable to break past Kate's lips, but she quickly understood when she felt Kate's fingers curl onto the remaining fabric and slip it down her legs. Kate broke away to pull them free, leaving Sophie completely exposed and aching to be touched. It wasn't a sensation she'd ever experienced, and that only made her crave it more.
Kate leaned down and recaptured Sophie's lips in a soft kiss before slowly tracing a path down her body. She paused at Sophie's breast, running a tongue over the hardened nipple which elicited another surprise moan from Sophie's lips. Kate lingered for a moment, the arousal of hearing Sophie gripped with pleasure motivating her fingers to lightly tease Sophie's other nipple, pinching and rolling it between her forefinger and thumb.
Just when Sophie didn't think the sensations could build, she felt Kate's other hand return between her legs and a finger slide its way inside her. Kate felt Sophie inhale sharply as her body arched in response, and she quickly repeated the gesture with a second finger. It was this that resulted in the first uncontrolled groan of pleasure, and it was music to Kate's ears.
When Sophie's breath hitched uncontrollably, Kate took the opportunity to continue her path down Sophie's body, letting her lips and tongue leave a slow, wet trail as her fingers developed a constant rhythm that sent Sophie's hips subconsciously grinding against her.
"Wait, no," Sophie said, ripped from the moment by a self-conscious, unspoken fear. "Y-you don't have to-"
"Soph," Kate began, climbing back to meet Sophie's gaze and letting her free hand fall reassuringly against Sophie's cheek. "I have spent the past two years wanting to taste you," Kate said, her voice dripping with want. "Let me."
She waited for the words and silent question to land, and Sophie felt a surge of arousal she'd never known before. She nodded back, her voice lost as she absorbed the trust and love held in Kate's gaze.
Kate then leaned in and brushed her lips softly against Sophie's, giving her a moment to step away from her worry and surrender to the warmth of Kate's touch. She fell quickly, free-falling into the pleasure radiating down her body. There was a growing anticipation as Kate retraced her path and burned a trail across Sophie's skin and down her body. All reservations from earlier were suspended by the simmering desire building toward release.
Her breath hitched as Kate's lips brushed the inside of her thigh, slowly acquainting herself to every inch of uncovered skin. A fresh shiver of anticipation rolled through Sophie's body. It was at that moment Kate's tongue lost its patience, replacing where her thumb had been pressing teasingly, and Sophie's world exploded into sensations she didn't know existed. Her hips thrust up in uncontrollable want only to feel the resistance of Kate's hands already expertly placed to grip at her thighs.
Kate took her time, teasing out what made Sophie tick. It was only after a small whimper escaped Sophie's lips that Kate's curiosity turned into intention. She slipped her fingers back inside Sophie, and another soft moan was all the inspiration Kate needed.
Sophie felt every second grow toward some unknown. It was unfamiliar. Kate's name slipped past her lips. Once. Then twice. The pleasure built. It reached for every nerve in her body. She moaned. Then thrust. She didn't want it to stop. Her fingers found Kate's head. She clutched at her hair. Kate didn't stop. Everything expanded. It contracted. Sophie didn't understand, and she didn't want to understand. She just wanted to feel.
And she did. Moments later a wave pulsed through her and everything that had been building crashed back into her. She didn't remember moaning. She didn't remember thrusting. She wouldn't have remembered her name. All she remembered was the neverending feeling of release.
Sophie felt her body come back to earth and her lungs gulp down one deep breath after another. Reality returned: first the dim of the lights, then the softness of the bed, then the warmth of Kate. She felt her shift from between her legs, creating an absence that had filled her moments before. She blinked up. Kate offered a mischievous smirk, her lips glistening and her unruly hair sticking out from every which way.
Before either of them could say anything, Sophie pulled Kate to her lips. She happily obliged, letting Sophie's tongue taste herself as she plunged into a breathlessly passionate kiss. Kate grinned as her chest heaved for air when Sophie pulled away and fell back onto the mattress.
"Why have we never done this before?" Sophie asked, curling around Kate who clambered to join her.
"Does that mean we can do it again?" Kate chuckled, pressing her lips to Sophie's temple.
"I… that was…" Sophie began, her chest still rising and falling with excitement. She trailed off, at a loss for words. "Yes."
She wanted to be more articulate. She wanted Kate to know of the mind-shattering sensations that sent her heart racing and her lungs heaving, and her body curling into tingling ecstasy, but she couldn't find the words.
Maybe it was that she was still coming down from her high, or maybe it was because the reservations she'd carried for months were melting away, or maybe it was that an all encompassing happiness surged through her; whatever the reason, the only thing Sophie wanted was Kate's nearness. She wanted the heat of Kate on her; the smooth of her skin against her; the long, uninterrupted feel of her body under her touch.
"Will you show me?"
Sophie's eyes were fixed on Kate's. They were filled with a nervous curiosity. A lingering want simmered at the surface as she leaned in and lightly captured Sophie's lips in hers.
"Yes," Kate whispered when she pulled away. "But not tonight."
The eager nervousness from a moment earlier was washed away with unexpected disappointment. Instead of nervous curiosity they were filled with confused rejection.
"Is… is it because-?"
"No, no," Kate answered quickly, recognizing the concern in Sophie's voice. "It's not - it has nothing to do with that."
"But then… why not?"
"Because tonight is about you," Kate answered softly. She hovered over Sophie's lips before a magnetic pull drew them together.
Yes, the spoils of the night fed her carnal cravings, and yes, she was one word away from tapping back into that hunger. She was ready to spend every minute of the rest of her life teasing out the ways Sophie hummed her name, thrusted in want, and melted into her mouth. She wanted all of that and more. But if Kate could have packaged all the love she felt for Sophie Moore into a single gesture, it would have been in that kiss.
It was a kiss Sophie wasn't expecting. Her words and her breath were taken from her, but it quickly affirmed one thought:
"Then show me," Sophie whispered.
Kate blinked back, prepared to say no again. Then she looked into Sophie's eyes. They glowed bright in the low lighting. Kate had often gotten lost in the deep brown orbs. She knew where tiny flecks of gold were sprinkled in the sea of warmth and how that ocean became darker at the edges. She knew how they could emote on a scale greater than Sophie's expressions. But that wasn't what Kate got lost in. It wasn't even the nerves and fear glistening on the surface. It was the courage and desire sitting beneath all of that.
"Ok."
It was messy. It was awkward. It was a wrong turn. It was too much. Then it was too little. It was another wrong turn. It wasn't working. It was frustrating. It was a failure.
But it was also a reassurance. It was a soft kiss. It was a guiding hand. It was a whisper of encouragement. It was a soft touch. It was a loving smile.
It was nothing like Sophie imagined. It was a complete and utter disaster. Inside of that though, it was also complete and utter perfection.
Defeat was admitted, and with it, Sophie expected the mood to be ruined and the night to end prematurely. She was on the cusp of an apology when Kate's lips interrupted her. It took a light touch and a well-placed stroke to realize Kate had much different plans. That's when Kate's agenda took priority and any sense of time disappeared. Sophie had a faint recollection of hearing the whistles, crackles, and explosions from the fireworks display happening out the window, but even that was a haze.
When the final crest had faded they fell onto the bed, naked, limb-tangled, and happily exhausted. It was new but not unfamiliar, Sophie realized. It was a kind of intimacy that she'd never experienced, yet it seemed completely natural with Kate at her side.
Her fingers found the edges of the duvet, and she pulled it over their entwined forms. Kate's head fell on her shoulder, and her arms slipped under the cloth to wrap around Sophie's waist. A smile skirted past her happy exhaustion as she brought her own arm around Kate.
A chill crawled down Kate's back as Sophie's fingers danced lightly over her skin. It wasn't anything new: Sophie had picked up the habit when they'd first started dating, but the lack of fabric separating the pads of her fingers from Kate's skin suddenly made the experience craveworthy. They skimmed across her shoulder and back in a series of random patterns before falling idly over her side, teasing at her ribcage and over the permanent ink that marked her skin.
A smile of contentment crept across Kate's lips, laying in the bliss of the moment. There was still a part of her hanging in disbelief. Disbelief that she could want someone in her life. That she could need that someone. Disbelief that she could be happy - truly happy. Disbelief that, after everything, that person wanted her just the same. Disbelief that she deserved any of it.
She listened to Sophie's heartbeat and blinked back an unfamiliar tear from falling.
"It's beautiful," she heard Sophie mutter. It pulled Kate out of her thoughts and back to the woman she clung to like a lifeline.
"What is?"
"You visit me inside the apple; together we can hear the knife; paring around and around us, carefully..."
"-so the peel won't tear," Kate finished. She felt a warmth find her cheeks. "When did you find it?"
"Last night," Sophie replied simply, her fingers tracing the Hebrew characters that made up the poem. "It suits you."
The tear she'd been holding in finally broke through. Kate felt the unfamiliar moisture roll down her face only for it to be followed by another. It remained a pair until a third tear escaped from her other eye and quietly fell onto Sophie's skin.
Kate felt a tinge of frustration at the broken dam. She slipped her hand free from Sophie's waist to wipe them clear only to be intercepted. She felt the soft touch of Sophie's thumb wipe her cheek dry. This small gesture only sent another tear falling, and with it a rush of fear. It was a fear of just how in love she was. It was a fear that, without Sophie in her life, she'd be utterly broken. It was a crushing weight.
Sophie remained silent through it all. It was a patient response. There was never any pressure from Sophie to speak. She simply created a space to exist and be. She simply provided an ever-present support to lean on. Her reactions were automatic and genuine; one hand brushed away each tear as it fell while the other idly crafted figure eights onto Kate's skin. Minutes passed like this. A wave of emotion would send another tear down her cheek followed by a moment of calm.
"I love you," Kate whispered as the final wave faded. "I love you so much that sometimes it hurts."
A moment passed.
"I guess that means I'm winning," Sophie murmured back.
"How?"
"Because for me it always hurts," she said simply, pulling Kate tighter to her.
Yes, it was a crushing weight. But, between the two of them, it suddenly didn't feel too heavy to bear.
a/n, part ii: This chapter has been rewrite after rewrite in the making. The original intent was for some version of it to be posted four months ago (in real time, not story time). I was on the cusp of uploading the final chapters for the Fall Term in December when I took a different plot direction, deleted a bunch of stuff, and shelved this for a future moment. Personally I'm glad for the delay because 'reasons'.
But that's not really the point of this second note.
The point is that I wanted to take a moment and talk about poetry and Kate's tattoo. I first came across Yehuda Amichai from a Kate Kane/Diana fic I read a while back by swindalynn (side note: I cannot say enough amazing things about this series. If you're looking for an amazing Kate Kane fic, this will absolutely scratch that itch. It's over on AO3 called Red Wonder, and it is heart-wrenchingly beautiful). After reading some of Amichai's work I immediately knew I wanted to incorporate one of his pieces into a tattoo for Kate. The problem was that I wasn't super sure which one or when to incorporate it into the story.
Enter Kate and Sophie's break-up at the end of fall term. It felt like the perfect moment to introduce this into the story, and Inside the Apple (the full piece is below) felt like the most fitting poem for the moment.
Poetry and I are not friends. I was miserable at lit in school, and I never understood how so many nuances and so much meaning could be tied to a few short lines. But this poem? This poem gutted me. I'm sure I've interpreted it all wrong, but for me it evokes a feeling of finding purity and truth in companionship in the midst of isolation and uncertainty.
It felt perfect for Kate. Her heart had just been broken, and she was sitting with the feeling of rejection and being unworthy of love after giving in to the one thing she'd rejected for years: vulnerability. We are, for better or worse, creatures of habit, and I imagined an echo of the trauma she felt when Beth and her mom died reappeared in this moment: 1. she saw it as her fault and 2. there was nothing she could do to fix it. This last bit really hones in this version of Kate's essence and being: the need to fix.
I see Kate dealing with this on two levels: there's the outer expression of anger, and then there's the inner feeling of isolation. The anger is defensive to hide the want - the need - for companionship. This is a new feeling for Kate; the last time she let herself be vulnerable she was thirteen. Because she doesn't know how to articulate this she turns to the comfort of what she knows: Gabi's book of poetry. I half imagine that Kate clung to her mother's copy as a child, her fingers tracing the notes in the margin, and it was in the midst of her latest heartache that she returned to it.
From there she finds and is drawn to Inside the Apple because it represents that desperate want for something (someone) to be with her, and now it sits as a permanent reminder.
Inside the Apple, Yehuda Amichai
"You visit me inside the apple.
Together we can hear the knife
paring around and around us, carefully,
so the peel won't tear.
You speak to me. I trust your voice
because it has lumps of hard pain in it
the way real honey
has lumps of wax from the honeycomb.
I touch your lips with my fingers:
that too is a prophetic gesture.
And your lips are red, the way a burnt field
is black.
It's all true.
You visit me inside the apple
and you'll stay with me inside the apple
until the knife finishes its work.