JIN My morning started on the bathroom floor. I couldn't quite remember how I had gotten there, but I knew Namjoon was with me and was now patting my back while I was leaning over the toilet bowl hoping this was it. It wasn't.

Eventually, I was able to force some water down my throat without puking it up again, but that didn't make me feel less horrible. This was no headache, surely, this was what dying felt like. Okay, maybe a bit dramatic, but for the first hour after Joon had woken me up, I honestly had problems standing upright. It got a bit better after I had some food, pain killers and fresh air. The only problem was that then memories from the night before came rushing back in...

People were patient, especially Makeup Noona. I looked like a ghost and luckily we were shooting outside so wearing sunglasses helped. Keeping myself busy kept me from thinking too much, but it got harder and harder to push that one memory back into the back of my head. Every time it popped up I tried to ignore it, but around the early afternoon I had to give up and with a deep sigh I buried my face in my hands and slumped down on my chair. Fuck. I had messed up.

Around me, people gave me pitying looks, Yoongi and I were still a bit off but to my surprise that was about it and nobody seemed to be actually mad. Which made me think that they didn't know.

They would have been mad otherwise, right? I was mad at myself! Even if they thought it wasn't any of their business they probably would have commented on it at least, I knew these guys. Deep in thought, I looked over at Namjoon, my best friend who had not only carried me home basically but had also stayed with me all night. Most of the time I was the one taking care of him but damn, he had really showed up for me last night. I knew he would have done so even if he had known but... he probably would have not tried to make me laugh all day, which sometimes worked, but then made my head worse. And Ollie. She brought me orange juice. I think if she knew she would have probably pushed it into my face instead.

But the one person I really wanted to know off whether she knew... wasn't there at all. When I had asked Georgie after breakfast she had said Sue didn't feel good. "Which is odd. She didn't even stay long enough to get as wasted as we did..." She had said, but - very Georgia - had just shrugged and then moved on. I hadn't even known Sue had been at the party. She had spent most of the day ignoring me and then went to dinner with the others. I had taken a cab back to the hotel but eventually, Jimin had convinced me over the phone to join them, let off some steam. Which I had. And I had thought about Sue, really. Until I hadn't thought at all anymore.

She had been at the party. And now she was not feeling well. I really felt the urge to look after her. I wanted to. But at the same time, I knew that that would mean I would have to face reality. How could I make sure she was okay, knowing that I had made out with some random girl last night.

There. As soon as I had said it out loud - well, maybe not out loud, more like in my head... to myself - it made it even worse. Because I kind of hated myself. I tried to imagine telling Sue, she would probably say something along the lines of "it's not like we are exclusive" and still... would be super hurt. I even felt hurt myself. Like some alternate version of myself had taken control last night and now I had to deal with the consequences. Which was of course not only absurd but such a weak thing to do... It was my fault, clearly. Didn't mean I knew what to do.

When I got back to my hotel room I realized one of the pillows still smelled like Sue's hair. And seriously? That made me want to cry. I could have fallen asleep right then and there, which probably would have been a good idea, to take a quick nap before the show. But eventually, I got up and extremely slowly walked up to Sue's room. My knock was so quiet, it was almost as if I didn't want her to hear it. No response. Another knock. Still nothing.

"Hey... It's me. Are you okay? Are you awake?" Silence. Then eventually a little. "Yeah... I am fine." Hm. "Can I come in then?" Silence again, then eventually some footsteps, abruptly stopping. I figured the door would open now, but it didn't. Instead Sue's little voice much closer now. "I don't feel so good, I think I am going to stay in tonight, okay?" "Can I get you anything? Have you eaten?" I had closed my eyes leaning against the door frame, feeling like such an asshole. Playing the good guy. "Yeah, I had room service earlier. I think I am just going back to bed and hope I will be better by tomorrow." "Okay. Ehm. Do you want some company?" - "Jin, I am sick. Not really." "Yeah, sure, no, I get it. But if you need anything just call me, okay?" "I will. Good Night." "Good Night, baby."

It had slipped out. I really shouldn't have said that, it made me burry my front teeth into my lower lip so hard... for a second I thought it actually might split. It didn't. And Sue didn't say anything after that, I just heard a couple of footsteps and then I left as well. Baby. I really was the biggest asshole around.

Why? I kept asking myself that over and over again when I took another shower to wake myself up more. Yeah, I had never been THIS drunk before but why did I fall for the mother of all stereotypes and made out with the first girl that I came across? To my own shame, I had to admit that I didn't know her name, I wasn't even sure if she had ever told me. Somehow we had ended up kissing in the kitchen and then in some sort of pantry. Pretty sure the only reason we had stopped was that I had leaned my hand against something behind her that wasn't actually able to hold my weight and we had almost broken a fridge. She had hit the back of her head, I had faceplanted right into it. After that, we stumbled back to the party where I drank even more... before Namjoon eventually had decided that I had enough. I wish he had done so hours and hours before. But it wasn't his fault either, just mine.

In the car to the venue that night, my shades came back on. I don't think I had looked anyone in the eye today. Ollie got in the seat next to me, asked me how I was and when I only hummed she gently patted my shoulder and then leaned her head against it. It was such a nice little gesture that I had to take a deep breath. But when she didn't move away it made me feel worse and worse because I didn't deserve it. To my own surprise, the corners of my eyes started burning and I just couldn't make it stop. I was too scared to move because I didn't want her or anyone to notice. Even though I could stop actual tears from forming by blinking a lot... eventually my nose must have become a little runny and Ollie turned around on my shoulder after she heard.

For a second she was just looking at me. Then she moved her index finger to my cheek, carefully pushing it up a little until she had moved my sunglasses to my forehead. I was so uncomfortable, I kept blinking while looking the other way. "Jin..." I only heard her say so full of compassion that I suddenly felt like vomiting again. "What's wrong?" There was a little laughter audible in her voice, probably because she thought I had such a bad hangover that I had started crying.

What was wrong? Me. But instead of telling her just that... I enjoyed that she gave me the most gentle of all side hugs and pushed her nose into my upper arm. I didn't deserve any of it but I craved it. Fucked up, I know.

I tried my best to put all thoughts of Sue and last night aside for the show. Army deserved only the best. No matter what. But it took all my remaining energy and no matter how much I knew I had to do SOMETHING about all of this mess... afterwards, I could only go straight back to the hotel and fall into my bed. Alone.

SUE I was almost impressed by myself how much I had kept it together. Probably wouldn't have been much longer before he could have heard by my voice how upset I had been. That I hadn't been in bed because I had had too much alcohol the night before (what an unprofessional reason. Still. I had felt more comfortable telling the others this lie than the truth.) but was just incredibly sad. After I had bumped into Olivia at the elevator last night it had taken so so much to keep it together in the cab home, but as soon as my room door had closed behind me I had just hidden under the covers.

Stupid boy. No. Stupid Man. He wasn't a boy, he should have known better. And stupid me. For actually believing this was something that wouldn't break my heart. I had known better, right? I had warned myself over and over again. And bam. A couple of days of supposedly utter bliss and then... those lovely memories of Jin crowding that girl's space, kissing her, them deeply entangled... playing over and over and over in my head. No idea how I managed to not cry. Instead, I just lay there and tried to talk myself into just falling asleep. Letting future Sue deal with this. But it took way too long before it worked and I hardly felt better the next morning, just more tired. So I called in sick and tried to sleep some more. Because now I also felt like an idiot for being a grown woman that wasn't able to face Jin at work like I probably should have.

Jin wasn't the only one who dropped by later to check on me, he wasn't even the first. That was nice. But I couldn't deal with anyone. I was too embarrassed.

I had dreaded hearing his voice. And at the same time, I had longed for it. Wanted to know that he at least gave enough of a shit about me to notice that I hadn't been around all day. I still couldn't face him though and so we had only exchanged a few sentences. It was the "baby" part that finally broke me and I spent the rest of the night in bed crying.

The next day I felt even worse. But I knew I couldn't stay inside this room any longer so after I had taken a shower I looked at myself in the mirror for a good long while. Makeup had hidden much of my blotchy skin. And the fact that the corners of my eyes were still a little red.

In theory, it was easy. Take it day by day. So for today: Avoid Jin. Avoid deep conversation with anyone really. Be polite. Smile. Go to bed early. You can do that. Maybe.

JIN Three days. It took me three days to be sure that she knew. I had absolutely no idea how, since nobody else seemed to. But I had analyzed this all in my head SO much that I was sure there was no other explanation that seemed reasonable. Okay, maybe I had simply forgotten that I had seen her at the party that night and I had been really mean to her or something. But I would have remembered that, right? No, it seemed far more likely that somehow she knew.

At first, I had thought she was just still under the weather. But whenever I went over to talk to her during breaks she avoided eye contact and when I eventually left her alone and only tried to text her later that night she had replied polite but distant. Always a reason to stop talking over the next few days. She was tried. She needed to be somewhere. She had already eaten. I never asked if anything was wrong because I KNEW that something was wrong, it just took me a while to be sure she knew as well.

I don't know why I finally acted when we got to the airport, but that was where it happened. Where I sat down next to her and we just stayed quiet for a good while before Sue got up to pretend to go to the bathroom even though I had just seen her come out of it ten minutes earlier. I didn't want to keep her from going away by taking her hand or grabbing her wrist - this wasn't a drama.

"I am sorry." I just murmured. At first, I wasn't even sure if it had been loud enough for her to hear but... she stopped, without turning around. "Yeah. I am sorry as well."

Even after she had walked off the words kept ringing in my ear. It hadn't been an apology. It had been confirmation that I was dickhead.