Chapter 36
Christian
"Nice to see you again, Christian. Come in and have a seat."
Since the first session with Ana last week, I've had the most restless week in recent memory. And that's saying something. All day, I get nothing done, and all night, I lay awake replaying her admissions.
It made no sense that he picked me. I wondered when he would realize that.
I hated feeling like an obligation. It felt like after the kidnapping, he was almost forced into accepting all of it.
If there was no other option, would we even be here?
I know that I need to hear the truth from her. I need to know what she's really thinking if we have any chance of surviving this. We have to throw out all the cloaks and daggers. I know that. But there's a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that this is only the beginning.
On top of that, I can't stop thinking about the past. I'm questioning everything, wondering what else I didn't see. When pure exhaustion finally forces me to sleep, I dream of lying next to her. I dream of worshipping her with my body. I dream of coming home to her, of all the days and nights I spent basking in her presence, of making her laugh. Being the reason for her smiles. The emptiness in my life without her in it feels a thousand times more suffocating. I'm desperate to be near her, or even just talk to her.
But in the present, I still barely speak to her. This week has been even worse because she's been chosen as the musical guest on Saturday Night Live this week, so she's been in New York rehearsing. I have our children with me, which gives me some comfort, but there's a noticeable void. We're not a whole family without her. She FaceTimes every night to hear about their days and tell them goodnight, but her conversations with me are short-lived and strictly business.
All this to say, by the time I return to Dr. Hughes' office for my individual session, I feel like an empty husk. We both sit in the same positions we were in the last time. Unconsciously, I find myself glancing at the empty spot that Ana had occupied.
"Well, Christian, I have to say… you have one of the most complicated files I've ever read. And certainly one of the thickest as well. Dr. Flynn was very meticulous." He seems to expect an answer, but I don't give one. What am I supposed to say? Yeah, doc, I'm fucked up, I know. "Let's begin with the same issue that we were discussing in the joint session. You agreed with your wife that the catalyst that led you to seek this therapy was… an emotional and physical absence. Can you explain that to me?"
"I created an enormous project for my company, the primary purpose of which was to give me reason to be home as little as possible. I ignored Ana's attempts at communication, I went home only when necessary, and when I did, I didn't sleep there, I shut down her every effort to find out why I was doing this, and essentially, I threw a live grenade into my own marriage." The words come out more easily than I expect, voice monotone.
If my blunt words shock him, he betrays nothing. He simply takes notes and nods. "I see. Did you want your marriage to end? This seems to be the opposite of what you stated your goal was."
"I didn't want it to end, but at the time, I felt it would be best if it ended."
"Has that belief changed?"
"Yes."
"How?"
"By doing that, I tried to control the outcome of both of our lives. It wasn't just me in the marriage, it was Ana too, and I took away her choice. She made it very clear when I told her this that she wouldn't have chosen this for herself. At the core, Ana and I love each other. We've gotten very lost along the way, but I truly believe that staying together is best for both of us."
He nods. "Ana doesn't seem so sure. How do you respond to that?"
I pause. I feel that rationality goes out the window when I consider losing Ana. Most of my work with Flynn these days is trying to come to terms with the possibility that even if we go through this, Ana might still want to divorce. Trying being the operating word. "I will make every effort to show her how much she means to me and how I'm willing to do whatever it takes to become a better, stronger version of us. But if she feels that that can't be achieved, I will have to accept that she wants to end our marriage." I half-smile sadly. "Trying to control Ana has caused me nothing but grief… and is egregiously unfair to her. I realize that now. As much as I think I do, maybe I don't know what's best for her. She deserves to have her decisions respected. I won't stand in the way of that… but I won't give up either."
"Meaning you will continue to hold out hope of a reconciliation, even if you divorce?" I nod and he writes something down. "You mentioned that one thing you're hoping to do here is explain your actions to Ana. Could you explain them to me? Why did you, as you say, throw a live grenade into your marriage?"
"How much time do we have?" I say flatly.
He gives me a sympathetic smile. "As I said, Christian, Dr. Flynn was nothing if not thorough. I do have some idea, but I'd like to hear it from you."
I'll have to thank Flynn for saving me from all of that verbal diarrhea. One individual session would never begin to cover it. "Well, then, the Reader's Digest version… I came to realize that… Ana hides a lot from me. Not just me… everyone. She only lets us see what she wants us to see… or, rather, I hypothesize that it's whatever version she thinks we want to see. I never felt like I deserved her, not from the second I met her. But it got worse when I overheard her discussing personal issues with her friend, heavy things that I knew nothing about. It made me wonder why, to some extent, but mostly, I just assumed that it was me. She didn't feel safe to open up to me, and that was on me. I thought she deserved more than that."
"May I ask what you overheard that disturbed you to this level?"
"That she still struggled with the memory of how I reacted to the news of our first child, and that after the birth of our second, she struggled with depression for months."
"And Ana never mentioned either of those things to you?" I shake my head. He nods as he takes notes. "Well, I can see why you would be alarmed at hearing this for the first time as an eavesdropper. Were there any other events that contributed to these feelings that you didn't deserve her?"
I swallow, the lump forming in my throat just anticipating recounting this part. "Then came the news of Elena Lincoln." The name burns in my throat as my mouth curls around it in disgust. "It had been over fifteen years since that God-awful woman had had her way with me. In that time, she harmed many others. Out of selfishness and fear of repercussions, I never told the proper authorities. I told Ana when I met her, but it was only because I wanted her to know that I knew what it was like to be a submissive. It was just another way to convince her. I still didn't see what she'd done as wrong then. I only told my parents because they found out. Hell, I told my siblings only weeks ago. All these years of silence, I could have prevented more from being abused. I felt that… I couldn't allow the person I loved to be with someone like that. My children would be better off if I stayed away from them. All of them, they're too good, they didn't deserve to be corrupted by living with me anymore. But I couldn't make myself fully leave them. I love all three of them more than I thought humanly possible. I thought if I just drifted away, Ana would come to it on her own. I see now that it was cowardly, stupid, manipulative, but at the time, it seemed like… the only option I could stand."
"And how long did this go on?"
"A year. Until Ana asked for a separation, coincidentally on the same day that the COO of my company finally called me out for what I was doing to my family and I was ready to take it all back." Sweet fucking irony, Grey.
There's a few beats of silence besides the scratch of a pen as my voice trails off. "I want to say that your openness and budding self-awareness is… commendable, Christian. It's clear to me that you've done a lot of work, and Dr. Flynn made note of this as well. I agree with his assessment that self-compassion is imperative here… I believe you are aware of the impact of your actions, and you have regrets for how the people you love were affected by them, but survivors of trauma can have all kinds of responses to triggers. I'm getting the impression that you are doing your best to take responsibility… but a year is a very long time, especially in a young marriage, and the lives of two young children. I'm sure you can understand why Ana is struggling with this. Have you explained this to her in this much detail, or broached the subject of why at all?"
I swallow, my throat feeling bone dry. "No. All I've told her is that I left because I didn't feel worthy of her. I've never known how to begin to tell her why. It's why I wanted a moderator."
"Does she know what you overheard?"
"No."
"Do you see the pattern I'm seeing? It sounds to me like both you and Ana avoid discussing the depth of your emotion with one another. For you, I'm curious if you can speculate why that is. What did you imagine would happen if you told her what you heard?"
"I don't know. I wanted her to tell me on her own. I never even thought about telling her that I knew."
"I can't imagine that was easy to carry around." I shrug. "Well… I suppose it makes me wonder whether or not your leaving was entirely about sparing Ana."
I feel my eyes narrow. "What are you talking about?" I ask dubiously.
"It's a just a thought. I could be wrong. But is it possible that withholding this information from her was another way of convincing yourself to leave her? If you didn't tell her that you knew, there was no opportunity to fix things. It opened another door to say, 'she never told me, obviously I'm not good for her if she doesn't want to tell me,' but also potentially, 'she never told me, I don't want to be with someone who won't communicate with me.'"
"Are you saying that I left Ana because I didn't want to be with her? I just told you why I left. All I've wanted since I met Ana was to be with her."
"I'm not saying that. I'm speculating that maybe if you looked past the self-loathing and the internalization all the blame for the breakdown of your relationship, you might see that you had some issues with things that she did, too. None of us is perfect, Ana included. Again, I could be wrong. But it's a thought."
I sit in admittedly sullen silence for a few moments before another echo of the past surfaces in my memory. You can't believe that this is entirely your fault. It takes two to tango. This isn't just up to you to fix. No matter what I say in the heat of the moment, I know that I failed you in a lot of ways too. I must have.
I sigh and rub my eyes. "Ana said as much the other day."
He smiles. "Did she? Have you thought about it?"
I don't speak for another long moment, turning this over in my brain. "It bothered me that she didn't talk to me," I admit quietly. "I don't know how helpful I would have been… I tend to... react poorly to knowing that Ana is upset… but it hurts that she never gave me the chance to try. It feels like she wrote me off completely after the news of the pregnancy." As I say the words out loud, I realize how true they are. I didn't tell her because I felt rejected. Again...
"So… like you, Ana's reactionary measures affected the people around her. Namely, you." My brow creases as his words sink in slowly. "It's not about blaming either of you," he continues. "But couples work is not about one person fixing everything and the other sitting back and deciding whether or not to accept it. I'm here to examine your relationship and what contributed to its health and stability, or lack thereof. I'll be honest… I think your likening of your actions to a live grenade is not inaccurate. But I have never in almost two decades of working with couples encountered a relationship where all of the problems are down to one of them. Keep this in mind." I nod, still unable to speak. "So, you'd like to explain your reasons for your absence to Ana. I believe I can help both of you navigate this. I think you had good instincts wanting to do this in a therapeutic setting. This is bound to be an emotional conversation."
I nod again, finally finding my voice. "I know. But we need it. She needs to know everything if she has any hope of understanding."
He closes the notebook. "That's our time for today, Christian. I greatly appreciate your honesty. I look forward to working with you and Ana again."
We shake hands at the door, and I walk out into the hallway in a daze, my mind swirling with new things to consider after that conversation. Was I unhappy with Ana? Overall, I know without hesitation that that's a resounding no. But there were moments.
As I get into the elevator, a kind of awareness settles over me. I can love her deeply and want to be with her again, while also realizing that she wasn't perfect. She could be as close to it as I've ever met, but she's human too. And… maybe I can atone for my mountains of mistakes, while knowing that she made some too.
If I'm honest, I dread these conversations to come. But maybe in combing through the wreckage of our past together, we can start to build something new. Both of us. Together.
Maybe that's the only way it will work…
Ana said we were doing this. She won't quit. I have to hold onto that.
There is dread, but there's also… a passive hope. I put these thoughts aside and look at my phone one more time in vain hope that there will be something from her. We might be in a fine mess now, but we're still the same people who fell in love once upon a time. She's still Ana, and that means I still spend every second wishing for more of her.
"Popcorn is done!" Mia announces as she skips into the media room at Escala.
The whole family is over, complete with Elliot and Kate, who seem much more simpatico than the last time I saw them, to watch Ana on SNL. She's only the musical guest and some actor is the host, but she mentioned to Mia earlier this week that she was asked to be in a sketch. Apparently, she's become friends with two of the female cast members, though their names escape me.
"Do you think she's nervous?" Mia poses to the room.
"If she is, she has Ezra with her to blot her armpits," Kate chuckles. "Or Kate McKinnon or Aidy Bryant." Oh, those are the ones.
"I bet she's not. She was such a natural at the gala," Grace says.
"Oh, everybody shush! It's starting!" Mia scolds as she cranks up the volume.
I'm really only half listening during the cold open and monologue, but after that, there is indeed a sketch where Ana plays the "cardigan fairy," trying to convince McKinnon and Bryant not to go out and to stay home in a cozy cardigan instead. Her lines are entirely parodied lines of the song. We're all in stitches. Admittedly, I wasn't sure how comfortable I'd be watching this. It's difficult for me to watch her thrive without me, but the prevailing emotion is pride in her.
We spend most of the rest of the sketches discussing that one. Obviously, the one that Ana was in was the best one, so the others paled in comparison. A hush falls over us again as the host announces her as the musical guest.
She first does a rendition of Wildest Dreams, this time with a band, which Ezra is a part of, and some backing tracks. The mood of the song is more energetic, setting a different mood from her intimate performance last time. Her set is simple, the stage is simply bathed in yellows, purples, and reds, reminiscent of a sunset.
After the commercial, she's sitting at the piano and the set has gold, scattered light, like sunlight filtering through trees. Rumors have been flying that she's chosen to debut a new song here tonight, and when a string instrumental begins to play, we know that they were true.
Gleaming
Twinkling
Eyes like sinking
Ships on waters so inviting
I almost jump in
But I don't like a gold rush, gold rush
I don't like anticipating my face in a red flush
I don't like that anyone would die to feel your touch
Everybody wants you
Everybody wonders what it would be like to love you
Walk past, quick brush
I don't like slow motion double vision in rose blush
I don't like that falling feels like flying 'til the bone crush
Everybody wants you
But I don't like a gold rush
What must it be like
To grow up that beautiful?
With your hair falling into place like dominos
I see me padding 'cross your wooden floors
With my oldest t-shirt hanging from the door
At dinner parties
I call you out on your contrarian shit
And the coastal town we wandered 'round
Had never seen a love as pure as it
And then it fades into the gray of my day old tea
'Cause it could never be
'Cause I don't like a gold rush, gold rush
I don't like anticipating my face in a red flush
I don't like that anyone would die to feel your touch
Everybody wants you
Everybody wonders what it would be like to love you
Walk past, quick brush
I don't like slow motion double vision in rose blush
I don't like that falling feels like flying 'til the bone crush
Everybody wants you
But I don't like a gold rush
What must it be like
To grow up that beautiful?
With your hair falling into place like dominoes
My mind turns your life into folklore
I can't dare to dream about you anymore
At dinner parties
Won't call you out on your contrarian shit
And the coastal town we never found
Will never see a love as pure as it
'Cause it fades into the gray of my day old tea
'Cause it will never be
Gleaming
Twinkling
Eyes like sinking
Ships on waters so inviting
I almost jump in
As the camera pans away, you can see her jump off the piano bench and run right into Ezra's arms. Mia and Kate start to cheer and whoop like they're in the room as it ends.
There's an odd feeling stirring in my chest after listening to that song and I'm not sure it's entirely comfortable. I feel... undeserving, but haunted. I catch Mia eying me and do my best to appear unaffected. But on top of that, I'm still stuck on imagining how it would feel to be the one she runs to after achieving new milestones.
Soon, the show ends and Grace and Carrick quickly announce their intention to head home and go to bed. "Yeah, we'd better go, too," Elliot says, wrapping an arm around Kate and giving her a salacious smile. Oh, great. At least he gets to fuck his wife tonight. Way to go, dispensing the sage marital advice, O Wise Christian.
Mia stays behind to help clean up the refreshments. We've just arrived in the kitchen when she addresses me, apropos of nothing. "It's weird for you to hear her songs that are probably about you, isn't it?"
I snap my head up to look at her, and she's gazing at me casually, just waiting for an answer. "I… I don't…"
"Oh, come on, you can say it. She's obviously talented, but it would be normal if you felt a little weird about it."
I sigh. "Okay, fine. It… hurts in some ways. But in others, it hurts that I'm not with her while she's doing it."
"You were for the livestream."
"Yes, and that meant a lot to me, but it wasn't easy to listen to that song. Sometimes I wish I could ask her about them."
"Why can't you?" I gape at her. "What? What's the worst that could happen? She'll say she doesn't want to talk about it, no harm, no foul. Aren't you two trying to get better at communication? I think it would be fine to ask. And if she says no, at least you tried, and she knows you're interested."
"I can't just ask her," I mumble.
"Why? Are you afraid of what you'll hear?" She takes my silence as a confirmation. "That's also normal. I mean, do what you want. But I think it might ease your mind if you had a little information. Knowledge is power and all. Are you going to call her tonight?"
"I was going to. It was a big night for her." And I want her to see my support.
She beams. "Perfect. I'll leave you to it. Goodnight!" She skips off towards the elevator. Okay, goodbye to you, too, Mia.
It takes me over an hour after Mia leaves to work up the courage to call her. I hold my breath with the sound of each ring, and she finally answers on the fourth.
"Christian? Hi. Are the kids okay?" There's some light chatter in the background.
Oh fuck. She's not alone. "Yes, they're asleep. I was just calling to talk to you."
She pauses for a moment. "Oh. Okay. Can you hang on one second?" I hear her telling people goodbye in the background, then there's a long pause, then I make out the shutting of a car door. "Okay, I'm back. What's up?"
"Am I interrupting something?"
"No, I was getting drinks with some of the cast, but I was about to leave anyway. I'm in the car now."
"Oh, okay." I pause, collecting my thoughts. "I watched tonight. We all did. Everyone loved your sketch. I always knew you were funny, but you were incredible."
She laughs, self-consciously, I think. "I just did what they told me to do. It was a funny idea, though."
"Don't sell yourself short. They had plenty to work with." Mia's words keep coming back to me, and I've had some cognac while I waited, so the question ends up coming out. "Can I ask you about your songs?"
She's silent for too lengthy a time to be comfortable and I start to sweat. "Yeah, you can ask. I figured you would at some point."
Oh, hallelujah. "They're about me."
She laughs quietly. "That's not a question."
Despite myself, I smile. She's teasing me. "It's a confirm or deny."
"It's not that simple. A lot of them aren't… specifically about you. Writing was an escape, so I didn't always want to write about my life. But feelings and experiences I've had do tend to show up in it, and you happen to have been a huge part of me. It helps me process it." She sighs. "Don't worry. I'm not going to put you on blast. I'm sure people will speculate what everything is about, but I'm not explaining. And I'm not releasing some things that I think are too personal."
"I didn't think you would. It's not my privacy I'm worried about." I'm intrigued by the material that is too personal for public consumption, but I'm not ready to go there yet, so I file it away for later.
"Then what are you worried about?"
That all of these feelings you describe are true. That I broke your heart beyond repair, and you'll never see me the same way again. "Can you tell me about Wildest Dreams?" I sidestep her question.
Again, she's silent for a while. "It has elements of us."
"Elements?"
"Well… you are so tall and handsome as hell." She giggles. My heart flutters. Tipsy Ana, ever the flirt. I hear a quiet sigh. "After last week, it's not a secret that I didn't understand why you were with me. I guess I always hoped I'd be special to you in some way, though. That song was a way that I tried to articulate that feeling, once the end was really in sight."
A short gasp escapes my lips. I imagine Ana, curled up somewhere in the dark, alone in the house we built together, trying to work through her feelings with a pen and piano. Feelings that I set in motion. "You are all my wildest dreams, Ana," I murmur. There's silence over the phone and I hear a quiet dinging sound. "Is that the elevator?" I ask, half out of genuine curiosity and half just to hear her again.
"Yes, I'm at your apartment now."
"Our apartment, Ana."
She hums dismissively. "Did you have any other questions?"
Only about a million. "The one from tonight… it was magnificent. But… can you explain it to me?"
"It's hard to explain. It doesn't feel like a straightforward narrative to me. It would be easier if you asked specific questions."
"Am I the gold rush?" I blurt out before I can articulate an actual question. Smooth, Grey.
She laughs halfheartedly. "The metaphor isn't you. It's… being with you. Everyone wanted what I had, and I found it overwhelming. I loved being with you, but… not the gold rush, so to speak. It's kind of a nostalgic one for me. I used to daydream about you all the time, even before you really gave me the time of day. The very, very beginning. Pretty pathetic, really. You felt like an unattainable dream," she muses.
I swallow. I can't honestly recall the last time she gave me such frank, honest answers. "And now?" I hold my breath waiting for her answer.
She's quiet for several moments before her soft reply comes. "It still feels like that sometimes. The difference is, I try not to do that now."
Her quiet admission sends an aching wave throughout my chest. "I daydreamed about you, too. Equally if not more pathetic. I thought I was losing my mind. And it's not unattainable to you. Only you," I assert.
"Christian… it's been a long week and it's almost 3:00 AM here. I'd kind of like to go to bed." Her voice sounds weary from more than just fatigue.
I sigh, torn between wanting her to rest and not wanting to let her go. "You really were perfect tonight. You're entirely a natural. I… I wish I could have been there in person."
She's quiet so long, I start to wonder if she's fallen asleep. "Yes, well… someone has to be with the kids."
"We could have all come to New York."
"I admit that I thought of that, but I didn't think you'd want to. And… I think it would be too much too soon for us to stay someplace as a family. For me. I'm ready to get back to them, but having some time to myself this week was… nice."
Sometimes I fail to realize just how much time she devotes to being with them. Especially over the last year… she was with them every day, and where was I? Throwing a live grenade, asshole. "I'm glad. You deserve a real vacation."
"I don't see that happening anytime soon."
I hear her yawn over the phone. "I should let you sleep. Did you take your makeup off?"
She snorts. "Yes. Face washed and moisturized."
"Good girl." I pause, working up the courage to get to the next part. "Could we meet you at the airport tomorrow?"
"We?"
"Teddy, Phoebe, and me."
"Oh… that would be nice."
An old joke comes to me and I can't resist. "Nice, huh? You know how I feel about that word."
She half-laughs, half-sighs. "Christian."
"Okay. Sweet dreams, Anastasia. I'll see you tomorrow."
"Goodnight. See you then."
As I debate whether or not to tell her I love her, she settles it by ending the call. Still… I feel lighter than I have all week after talking to her. And now we get to have at least some family time tomorrow. I call that a win.
I love you. One step at a time.
A/N: Hi friends! I really appreciated your feedback on their first therapy session. I find it fascinating how everyone seems to get something different out of this story. The reviews are all over the place with picking sides. I'm still Switzerland. :)
Anyway, the new song is gold rush by Taylor Swift from her album evermore. I highly, highly recommend a listen, it's beautiful. I thought it was time Ana and Christian discussed the musical elephant in the room as well. Let me know your thoughts. Ana's individual will be next. xo