My hand wrapped around Dick's fingers. "What?" I asked, still in shock. He hesitated again, another long moment where the silence was heavy with the weight of all his thoughts.
"I'm not sure it's good for us to keep seeing each other…"
"Bruce made you do this?" I asked accusingly, my voice louder than I'd meant it to be.
"No," Dick shook his head. "Bruce doesn't know. And he doesn't need to, just…" He moved closer to me on the bed, his hands coming to my shoulders and holding me with stern eyes. "I can't be a good Nightwing when I'm like this…"
"When you're like what?" I asked. His eyes darted back and forth, looking exasperated, stressed, like he was at a breaking point. "Look, I just got hurt. I'll bounce back…"
"It's not just that you were hurt!" he snapped, whispering the rebuttal at me though he clearly could have screamed it. "You fought me with everything you had, you thought I was going to kill you. And when I realized you were stuck in those nightmares, that I had trapped you with those nightmares… it…" the words caught in his throat, and he forced a heavy breath to slow himself down. "You were stuck in that nightmare, hyperventilating, staring at the ceiling, it looked like you were dying, and I couldn't do anything to stop it. I can't… get this close."
"Dick, I'm okay. And it's because you helped me. You saved me. And now you're just pushing me away?" I reminded him. But he didn't want to argue. I could see in his low, averted eyes that his decision had already been made. He didn't seem to like it, but it was the decision he had forced upon himself as if it was the only thing to do. I lunged forward, grabbing his shoulders as he'd grabbed mine. "Hey," I called to him, forcing his gaze to meet mine. "No one gets to decide this for us. We can be together, we can choose each other. Even if it makes the job harder. You're the boss of you, you told me that. We can do this. I still want to do this, I still choose to risk it." His gaze dropped, though I thought I could see tears in his eyes as he shook his head.
"I don't know if I can afford the risk," he said lightly. I realized he truly had made up his mind. This answer wasn't changing- not right here, right now, anyway. I dropped my hands from his arms and sat back. He looked back up at me. "I can't lose you as a friend, either. Please don't…"
"I..." I interrupted him as I closed my eyes and shook my head, "I think I need a few minutes. If that's okay." He opened his mouth to say something, but stopped himself and nodded. He pulled his hands back into his lap and looked down at the bedspread.
"Do you want me to go?" he asked. I shook my head and laughed to myself.
"No," I said with a smile. "I want you to stay. But it sounds like that might be too much for you right now." He wagged his head, but eventually stood and left the room. Once he closed the door, the brightness of the room seemed to scream the words at me.
I
Think
We
Should
Stop
Seeing
Each
Other.
We'd barely gotten each other. And now he was walking away? Was it that meaningless to him? A flash of the hallucination resurfaced in my memory: Harley Quinn sitting in Nightwing's lap, grabbing hold of his jacket lapels pulling his lips to hers. Hearing their tongues collide. Watching his hands press into her back and pull her around him.
No.
I blinked away the memory, shook my head. Stop it. It wasn't jealousy or insufficiency that was driving Dick away now, it wasn't my failings as a vigilante, it wasn't even Bruce.
It was fear. He was afraid. Fear that I would get hurt again, fear that I wouldn't recover next time, fear that he might lose me. And if he didn't love me, he couldn't lose me. It was fear that kept Dick from being with me. It was fear that kept me benched for their evening plans, instead of out tracking down Bane.
Funny, really. How Scarecrow, an obsessive monger of fear, used his toxin on me- yet it had a more permanent effect on everyone else.
I couldn't let Dick walk away like this. I couldn't let fear control him, or us, or this team.
I pulled the blankets off and pushed myself to my feet. Time for rest was over. I changed into leggings and a tee shirt, courtesy of Alfred, and grabbed the tray of food and drink he had brought me earlier. I walked it carefully into the hall, mindful of my ability to balance it and walk upright. My body still felt fatigued. Bruce might have been benching me out of fear for losing me, but he was right: I wasn't in tip-top shape.
As I reached the top of the stairs, I looked across the top of the staircase to Dick's bedroom door. The door was propped open, the light off; empty, most likely. My curiosity took hold and I set the tray down on the floor, crossing the top of the stairs and stepping into the room. I flicked the light on and his daunting, large poster glared at me: THE FLYING GRAYSONS. The silhouettes of his mother and father, acrobats extraordinaire, tugged at my heart.
I was reminded that this fear Dick had of losing someone important to him was nothing new. After losing the only two people he had in this world at such a young age, it was perhaps a miracle that Dick had been able to commit to any relationship again. Loss like that isn't a wound that can heal, or even scar. Wounds like that don't get better- you just learn to live with them, gaping holes in your sense of self that can never be filled again.
Maybe Dick feared that another wound like that wouldn't be survivable.
I switched the light back off and turned to go, but sucked in a shocked breath upon seeing Jason standing directly behind me.
"Sorry," he apologized quickly as I coughed on my breath, leaning tiredly against the door jamb. "Didn't mean to scare you, I was just…"
"Standing silently behind me, watching me, right after I woke up from hallucinations of being attacked?" I finished for him. He bared his teeth as if to say "yikes."
"Yeah… sorry," he said, unable to hide a small smile. I smiled back. "Is that what they were about? Your hallucinations?"
My jaw clenched and throat tightened, and my lips felt dry. I straightened myself and swallowed hard. "Some of them," I answered vaguely, hoping he'd leave it at that. He seemed to understand I didn't want to talk about it, and he moved on.
"Looking for Dick?" he asked, looking past me and into Dick's room.
"No," I said, standing upright again. "Just… looking." Jason looked over my shoulder, seeing the poster on the wall, then back at me.
"Are you okay?" he asked. I started to nod instinctively, but stopped myself and shrugged instead.
"Hard to say," I finally answered with tight lips. I started to step past him, but he stepped further into Dick's room. He flicked on the light and looked up at the big poster, and I stopped and watched him.
"You know, when I first got here… we didn't exactly hit it off right away," he said. "You know walnuts?" he asked, turning to me over his shoulder. "The big ones, that come in those big thick hulls? Or am I thinking of chestnuts…"
"I'm not entirely sure where you're going with this…"
"Dick's like a walnut," he said with a smile. "Tough to crack. Really tough. He actively doesn't want you to crack him. But if you can…" he stopped there. I smiled to myself at their brotherly love; I knew the two loved each other so much. But my smile faded, wishing I could figure out how to get through to him. Jason turned back to me. "He… uhhh," he struggled with the words for a moment. Actually, it looked more like he was struggling with the attempt to empathize with someone. "He… he's just… I mean he's an idiot, but I know he… you know, with you…"
"I think I… get what you're trying to say," I interrupted, saving him from himself. He let out a relieved smile. "I can't be entirely sure, because that was mostly nonsense, but I think I get it." He laughed and rubbed the back of his neck as he turned off the light.
"My advice? If you want my completely unsolicited, not-invested, third party bystander advice?" he offered as he stepped past me and picked up the tray from where I'd left it on the ground. I smiled and rolled my eyes at the offer, but didn't reject the help either. "Don't let him give up without a fight." I smiled to myself and nodded as he stared at me.
"Thanks, Jay," I said, testing out the nickname and seeing if he'd balk at it. He gave me a sideways smile, catching that I'd used the nickname, and nodded. He walked the tray downstairs for me and took it to the kitchen as I smiled after him.
At least I had one on my side.
I slowly and steadily made my way to the Batcave, focusing on my breathing and balance to avoid looking like a wobbly patient that needed to be restrained in my recovery bed. I made it all the way to the door of the Augmented Reality chamber before anyone noticed me- but it was at that point that Alfred, cleaning up my bike on the launchpad, looked over and saw me.
"Miss Gordon!" he called over to me in a scolding tone as he dropped his rag and peeled off his work gloves. At the Batcomputer, Bruce and Dick looked up in surprise with searching eyes until they discovered my position.
"Barbara," Dick said, walking away from the chemical analysis bench and hurrying towards me.
"You are meant to be resting," Alfred called to me as he came at a half-jog towards me.
"I'm fine, really," I said, waving them both away and walking as dignified and upright as possible.
"You're supposed to be in bed," Dick scolded me when he got close.
"I'm fine," I assured him as I continued past him. Instead, I looked up at Bruce where he stood at the edge of the platform that held the Batcomputer. "Can't sleep so I figured I may as well be useful. Let me go on the computer, help you find Bane's location."
"You shouldn't push yourself…"
"I know what I'm capable of, Bruce," I calmly assured him. "I can help."
"You need to take care of yourself," Dick scolded me from behind me.
"I understand that. I didn't offer to drive the getaway car, I offered to find him. On a computer. I think I'm capable of doing that safely," I said. Bruce looked me up and down, then nodded. I smiled back and continued forward, going a bit slower on the stairs.
"Let me help you," Dick offered as I mounted the third stair.
"I'm alright. Thank you, Dick," I reassured him politely with a smile. He looked confused. That made me smile more.
I took my seat at the Batcomputer as Bruce and Dick continued finishing a mass production of the cure they'd given me last night. The hunt for Bane began.
He'd kept his head down for a while. The last time his files reflected an encounter with Bane was almost four years ago, when Bane had attacked Batman on Christmas Eve. I shuttered at the memory of that horrible year, the year Joker threw his coming out party across Gotham.
The thought of Joker unintentionally released a quick burst of memories from my hallucinations. Joker pressing me up against the brick pillar outside Wayne Manor, his hot breath in my ear, his lips close to my neck, something's not right, is it?
I pushed myself to my feet abruptly, my hands pushing away from the keyboard. I got lightheaded from the jerking movement, my vision turning fuzzy and grey at the edges- which only served to remind me of the hazy visions of amber skies on fire I'd had while on Scarecrow's drug. A panicked thought broke across my mind.
Oh no. A second reaction. A delayed second attack.
No. No, there was no second reaction. I was safe, I was in the Batcave, Bruce and Dick were here, Alfred was here. Joker was not here. I released a long slow breath through pursed lips.
"Barbara," Bruce's voice cut through the air, and a wall of noisy anxiety seemed to disappear. "Are you alright?" I inhaled through my nose, let it out slowly again.
"Yes," I answered calmly, though I could feel my heart pounding through my shirt. "I'm fine." Bruce reached out and put a hand comfortingly on my arm.
"You don't have to be in here right now," he said, as if he thought it was this place that was triggering me. I looked past him to see Dick, his eyes full of concern. The bags under his eyes were heavy and he seemed to be holding his breath.
"I want to be here," I said. I sat back down in the seat, closing Bane's old files and starting the search for him. If he was peddling specialty ayahuasca, there had to be a trace of him.
And I found that trace- only, not where we expected.
"The sewer network?" Bruce asked.
"Turns out, it never was Killer Croc in the sewers. We thought it was, based on size and the environment, but it looks like Bane has been the one knocking down our trackers in the sewers," I confirmed. Bruce shook his head.
"Of course," he said as he pieced it together. "Which explains…"
"Why he always left a trail to the bowery. If Bane was selling drugs to Scarecrow's men before Scarecrow peddled them in Bludhaven, it makes sense that they were conducting business in Old Gotham. They were meeting halfway," I explained.
"And Penguin's turf must have been safe territory. If Scarecrow was selling drugs to Black Mask, it was all a part of Penguin's money laundering; he didn't care what drugs were being sold, as long as it generated clean dollars," Bruce finished.
"He won't be alone," Dick said. "If he's selling ayahuasca, he's probably got other crones doing the transactions for him. Word would have spread fast if someone his size was out swapping hundreds for hallucinogens on the streets."
"Well, good thing you won't be alone either," I reminded him. "We haven't been watching the trackers with our best diligence, but from what I can tell, Bane is camping out somewhere around the botanical gardens in the sewers. But it's a big footprint you'll be investigating."
"It's a start," Bruce said in his best Batman voice. "Good work."
"No problem," I said, swiveling back in my chair to face them. We all ate dinner together, and when night fell I sat at the computer as Bruce and Dick suited up for work. Even if I'd wanted to, I couldn't have joined them; I was too weak after my treatment and I knew it. There was a pretty thick line between being bold and being stupid, and I knew which side I wanted to be on. So as they stepped up to their vehicles, I stood back in my glasses and sweatshirt, wishing them luck.
"I'll be in your ears all night," I said, tapping my comm unit. "I'll let you know when you're getting close." Bruce nodded and slipped the cowl over his head, making his way for the Batmobile which revved to life. But Dick hesitated at my side, the electric blue of his suit somehow colder than it used to be. He looked me up and down once, seeming full of words but like there was something blocking them from getting out. "I'll be here when you get back," I said, putting my hand on his arm. "Tell me then. I'm always going to be here." His lips tightened at that last thought as he nodded.
"Okay, Barb," he said with a nod. He put the domino mask over his eyes and jogged to his motorcycle, revving it to life. The two left, and I remained on the launching pad watching after them.
"Sucks, right?" Jason's voice called to me through the Batcave. "Not so great when you're the one they're leaving behind." I smiled over my shoulder at him, standing on the opposite side of the cave as me.
"We'll see who it sucks for, when we get Bane first," I said as I started back towards the computers.
"Oh shit," Jason said excitedly as he hurried forward to meet me. "We going after them?!" he asked.
"No," I said, which left him incredibly confused, "but we're gonna take down Bane before they get a chance to."
Jason pulled up a chair and we got to work. Using the infrared technology from our satellites, we were doing some targeted searches. Within the twenty minutes it took Batman and Nightwing to reach the Botanical Gardens, Jason and I had narrowed our radius for Bane by another hundred feet. He didn't know how to do everything I could on a computer, but he was a quick study. It didn't surprise me to hear Jason excitedly perk up: "Found him!"
Bane was with six other men, in a junction of sewer tunnels where the water ran low. In the spring, those tunnels would be gushing from the thawed snow but this time of year, it was just a slow trickle. Of course, we could easily tell which man was Bane; his size was pretty obvious, even in infrared.
"Got him," I whispered with a smile.
"So now what?" Jason asked. I pulled up the schematics for that particular junction, hacking Gotham Water and Power. Companies like that often had terrible cybersecurity, despite holding major assets.
"Won't take much," I said, pulling up the flood valves for the network they were in. "You just watch that infrared and tell me when he's alone in there."
"Alone? Where will the other guys go?" Jason asked.
"Down the tubes," I said. I closed one flood valve, which backed up the water going into the junction. Then another, then another, then another. Closing so many so quickly meant that the sudden onset of water would flood into the chamber at a surprising rate, ensuring no one knew too early that evacuation was necessary. As I watched the water approach the junction, I hit the shutoff for their flood lights, darkening the room. Jason's eyes bounced between my screen and his, watching the water pathways light up and waiting for it to hit the junction. When it did, the tiny, fuzzy red dots moved fast, all being pushed towards the same outflow. Only the final big dot stayed in place; being bigger, Bane would have a better shot of keeping his footing against the sudden force of water. But the tiny dots were flushed out of the room quickly.
"Now, he's alone!" Jason said. I flipped the switch for the security gates, thick iron gates that normally spanned the entrances to keep vagrants from making homes in the dangerous tunnels. Today, they'd serve as a cage for Bane. "Ha! Take that, sewer rat."
"A really big rat," I said to myself before clicking on my comm unit. "Batman," I called into the open unit, knowing Dick would hear too.
"Batgirl," he answered.
"Bane's at a sewer junction approximately forty feet below you. I'm sending you a map of the tunnels and a route straight to him. He's trapped in a junction cistern. He's alone," I said calmly.
"Trapped?" Batman asked clarifying.
"Don't worry. We can let him go when we're done getting answers," I replied. He paused a moment as he realized I, the wounded soldier, was the one responsible for incapacitating Bane.
"How'd you manage all that?" he asked.
"It's me, remember?" I said coolly with a smile. Jason punched me lightly on the bicep as he laughed to himself.
"Good work, Batgirl," he said affirmingly, clicking off his comm unit. I smiled to myself as I leaned back in the chair, staring at Bane's fuzzy red dot on our screen.
"We ought to have you at the computers more often," Alfred said encouragingly to me.
"What, like I did nothing?" Jason smiled.
"Send an anonymous tip to GCPD," I instructed Jason. "Affiliates of Bane will be flushed out of the outflow pipes near the orphanage." I sat back in my chair and smiled as I cued up the video from Batman's cowl feed.
Batman and Nightwing confronted Bane through the iron gates, a safe barrier between them. Since Bane wasn't the real threat, getting him to submit to a full arrest wasn't the priority: finding and stopping Scarecrow was.
"We know you've sold Santa Priscan ayahuasca to Scarecrow," Batman said through the gates, Bane's large figure almost aglow with his venom tanks on his back. "Tell us where he's hiding."
"I do not follow criminales through the sewers of this city, Batman. They come to me," Bane snapped back.
"These gates stay down until we find a way to Scarecrow, hombre," Nightwing said from another nearby gate, tapping his escrima sticks tauntingly against the iron gates.
"Of course. I am sure you will release me promptly, if I cooperate. I am not so foolish as the others you face," Bane laughed back.
"What's foolish is to think that Scarecrow won't turn on you," Batman assured him. "Your ayahuasca has helped him create a hallucinogenic compound that renders it's victims disoriented, combative, and homicidal. You think he won't use that on you and your men? Take the rest of your ayahuasca?"
I felt my stomach tighten as he described my symptoms. Disoriented. Combative. Homicidal? I remembered fighting Scarecrow- truly fighting Nightwing, giving it all I had for fear I'd be captured or worse. If only Batman knew the crux of my hallucinations, or what it all led to: a gun with the barrel pressed against my head.
I bit into my tongue, forcing myself to stop thinking about it and pay attention to the interrogation.
"Santa Priscan ayahuasca is a regalo de Dios. It is not a threat to a Godly man," Bane answered.
"Right, so… shouldn't you be worried?" Nightwing asked.
"I do not fear the fruits of my own country, gusano. Now release me, or I will destroy you," Bane threatened. I double checked the integrity of the iron and opened my line to Batman.
"The iron is solid. There's no way he's busting through that, not unless he takes another shot of that venom on his back," I told him. Batman didn't acknowledge what I'd said, didn't need Bane knowing someone else was watching, analyzing, targeting him.
"Scarecrow is nothing to you. Tell us what you know, and we'll release you," Batman assured him. Bane seemed to measure that; perhaps Batman's word meant more than Nightwing's to him.
Maybe Bane was smarter than he let on.
"The Scarecrow… he is hoping for the fear. Targeting Gotham's corrupt and sick, making them fear," Bane said.
"Why?" Batman demanded.
"For control. Deporte. It is all a game to him, you understand. He wants to see you afraid, all of you afraid. And I hear he succeeded with your mujer- the other bat. Word travels fast, you see, when a bat falls from the sky," he laughed. My jaw clenched and I wished I could lunge through the computer monitor and pull the venom tubes out of his neck. But Batman seemed unphased. Nightwing, however, did not.
"Scarecrow should get his facts checked," Nightwing smiled playfully, but he postured as anything but friendly. "If he keeps making up exciting rumors like that, Fox News will hunt him down and offer him a job."
"Where is he?" Batman demanded again, losing his patience with Bane and Dick.
"Everywhere," Bane smiled grimly, "and nowhere. He is mobile, his lab wherever he wants to make it."
"Where was he last?" Batman demanded.
"Estoy cansada de tus preguntas," Bane grumbled. "I will tell you- you are asking about the wrong nombre."
"The wrong name?" Nightwing mumbled confusedly.
"Scarecrow is everywhere," Bane confirmed. "You look for Scarecrow, you will find shadows. You look for Crane, you will find answers."
The comms grew quiet, but my mind raced with possibilities. The apartment. It had been rented expressly for the illicit activities. Perhaps Crane was renting apartments all over the city for his drug manufacturing, switching locations every few days to keep hidden from us. As Batman and Nightwing began their trips home, I pulled up the public records for the apartment building Scarecrow had been using. It had been rented by a James Crane.
I smiled as the discovery registered: Scarecrow had applied for apartments across the city using his last name and a variety of first names. It was a smart move- it would have been easy for him to forge multiple identities using the same last name. The trick for us would be deciphering which Cranes in the area were civilians that shared the unfortunate last name, and which were false identities he was hiding behind.
Before Nightwing and Batman had returned to the Batcave, I had enlisted Jason's assistance in weeding through the list of every property renter and owner in the Gotham metropolitan area. As they walked up the ramp from the launching pad towards us, I pulled up a list of verified apartments. "We've got four matches already," I said.
"And about four hundred more Cranes to sift through," Jason grumbled. But his gaze shifted nervously up at Batman, who stared down at him questioning his presence. Jason stayed quiet and kept typing, his eyes nervously shifting back and forth as he wondered if Batman would banish him to bed. But Batman said nothing to him.
"How long will it take?" he asked. I tilted my head sideways.
"A few hours," I said. "It takes time to verify fraudulent identities. I can speed it up, maybe see if the locations we've identified have a pattern?" I said.
"No, take the night," Batman said, looking up at the list on the big screen. "He won't act yet. He'll want to see how his latest compound affected you- he's probably searching for a record of your death as we speak."
"Well, hate to disappoint him," I shrugged as I spun my chair back to the keyboard, programming the computer to scan through another batch of potential Scarecrow aliases while we spoke.
"I'm far more impressed with your handling of Bane," Batman said abruptly. The corners of my lips pinched upwards as I tried to stifle an accomplished grin.
"No problem," I acknowledged.
"I'd like to see if we can utilize those skills on a more regular basis," he said. I turned back up to him with a casual nod.
"Sure thing," I said with a smile. It felt nice to confirm my worth to the team, even when I couldn't be out in the field. "Speaking of Bane," I continued, "he's still in his cage. Want me to raise the gates?"
"What? No," Jason answered impulsively. "It's Bane. We should call the cops and let them know where he is. Get him arrested."
"On what charges?" I asked.
"Drug smuggling!"
"Do you have evidence?" I asked with raised eyebrows. Jason's voice caught in his throat as his mouth tried to form words.
"Whatever," he finally answered. "I'm sure there are like a billion outstanding warrants, right?"
"We gave our word we'd release him if he told us what we wanted to know," Batman answered, and his eyes drifted up to the large monitors with tables of addresses and Crane aliases. "He came through. Release him."
"What?!" Jason incredulously asked Batman. "We can't just let Bane go…"
"He's not responsible for Scarecrow's actions…" Batman calmly started.
"Well, he made those actions possible so I think there's some responsibility there…" Jason argued, trying to stifle his anger.
"And if Scarecrow's supplier of hallucinogens disappears suddenly, what do you think he's apt to do?" Batman met Jason's gaze sternly. Jason didn't have an answer to that. "He'll behave recklessly, do something impulsive. We need to let Scarecrow think he's winning, just a little longer."
"So we're just letting the bad guy go?" Jason clarified. Batman carefully removed his cowl and looked down into the eye slits of it.
"Sometimes justice requires letting one criminal walk to catch a terrorist," Batman acknowledged. Jason scoffed and threw himself back in his chair. My eyes lifted to Dick, who looked down at the ground contemplatively. He seemed, like me, to understand what Bruce was saying. It was a hard reality about our jobs, one that Jason didn't seem to get just yet. Bruce lowered himself to get Jason to look up at him again, and his somber voice changed to that of a dad. "One hour. Then bed. You have school in the morning," Bruce said before turning away and heading back to reshelve his suit.
"Uuuuuugh," Jason groaned in a long, drawn out breath as he turned back to stare at the screens and focus on his work. I smiled to myself, glad to have Jason so focused on his work as well. My eyes darted back up to Dick, who leaned against the gadget chest with arms crossed in front of him. He was looking at me with a small smile, like he knew trouble was coming.
"You did good," he affirmed me.
"I know," I answered frankly as I met his gaze. That made him laugh, despite his endeavors to hold the smile back. He pointed playfully at me, but stayed distant. Aloof. He stood up straight and threw a glance at Alfred.
"I'm takin' off," he told Alfred, though I knew he was saying it for me. "Don't want to keep the place buzzin, when Barb's gotta rest."
"Drive safely, Master Grayson," Alfred acknowledged. Dick's eyes met mine one last time.
We can't, his eyes seemed to say. I bit the inside of my cheek and turned my chin upwards as I stared back.
Actually, we can.
But he didn't take the bait. He smiled to himself and looked down, shuffling quietly off to his bike. As he left, I turned back to my keyboard and released Bane from his cage in the sewers. After a few quick moments, I turned over my shoulder to Alfred.
"Hey Alfred? Could you get me a small snack? I'm a bit lightheaded… don't think I should head to bed without some food on my stomach," I said.
"Of course, Miss Gordon," Alfred said, leaving what he was working on and heading for the elevator. Once he and Bruce were out of earshot, I stood and hurried to the medical bay, grabbing my suit.
"You tell anyone," I pointed threateningly at Jason as I passed him again, heading for the launchpad, "and I'll wrap your red hoodie in a pretty box and leave it on Bruce's bed."
Jason smiled mischievously as I hurriedly pulled on the suit, grabbed my bike, and dashed out of the Batcave. I left the bike in an alley near my dad's apartment and used my Batclaw to travel the rest of the way. I was still a little wobbly on my feet, but not so bad that I couldn't hop rooftops.
When I reached the balcony of his apartment, Dick was in the shower. I could see the light and steam billowing out of his bathroom, the rest of the apartment still dark. I stayed on the balcony, aware I was walking a fine line between being bold and being stupid. I still wanted to stay on the bold side. When he finally came out of the bathroom, his bottom half only wrapped in a towel, I was sitting on the edge of the brick wall that encompassed his balcony. I tossed some tiny pieces of mulch from the flower boxes in my hand and, as he walked mindlessly into the kitchen and extracted a bottle of scotch from the cabinet, I began tossing them one by one at the window.
He pulled down a glass, uncorked the bottle, lifted it to pour, then froze as he recognized the sound of the tiny tink the mulch made as it hit the glass. He looked up abruptly, his eyes stern and prepared, but his face melted into a warm smile as soon as he saw me.
Funny- he was one of the only people in the world that would see me in my Batgirl suit and want to smile. He shook his head as he readjusted the towel around his waist, ensuring it was tightly secured, then walked towards the balcony door. I stood in greeting.
"You know," he said when he opened the door, "I'm pretty sure you're supposed to be resting." But I didn't laugh. I wasn't angry. I just needed him to know, I wasn't messing around.
"Do you want me to go?" I asked slowly, ensuring he knew what I was really asking. He let out a heavy breath, not wanting to answer. "If you want to end this, if you want me to go…" I paused. I didn't need to finish the sentence. "But if you're just afraid of losing me," I said, taking a step closer. "If you're just afraid of one of us getting hurt, of having to take care of me," I said. "I can take care of myself."
Dick looked into the distance, out ahead at the Gotham skyline. Then he turned back to me, worry writ on his face.
"I'm not going to let you give up on us," I said with a smile and a shrug. "Not like that, not that easily. I won't." He smiled at that.
"Guess I don't really have a choice, huh?" he said in a gruff voice, though I could see relief in his eyes. Relief that we weren't over, relief he didn't have to posture against me. I smiled wider and stepped closer, putting my hands on his wrists.
"Not for that reason, no," I shook my head. His hands reached forward and rested on my hips.
"In that case," he said, pulling me closer. I leaned forward and kissed him, relief and ease washing over me as his lips pressed into mine. When we pulled apart, he kept his forehead on mine. "I can't lose you," he said quietly, almost too quietly for me or him to hear. Like it had been a secret he was keeping from himself. I wrapped my arms around him.
"Then don't."