Chapter XXXIII Part 3: Close the Door

The shower washed down the sweat and every other sticky remnants of what happened. But it also let the reality of it sink in. Ren wished that the reality of what he did could go down the drain too but he stepped out of the shower feeling like it will forever infest the darkest corners of his memories. And all he could do was fall face first on his bed right when Horokeu went in after him and closed the door.

"You ok, Ren?" The addressed teen remained still on his bed, not expecting Horokeu to be finished so soon. "Are you hungover?"

This is worse than a hangover. Ren suppressed his groan. "No, baka Horo." His response was muffled from his face still being in his pillow.

"You sure?" Came Horokeu's concerned voice again and Ren turned his head away from his pillow to look directly at him. He was wearing his clothes again—he must have got them while Ren was showering.

"I told you, I didn't drink that much so stop asking." Horokeu rolled his eyes.

"Sorry, it's just last time you did drink, you woke up with amnesia."

"...Don't remind me, idiot." Ren muttered and threw his face back into his pillow again, and this time, he didn't bother to hold back his exasperated sigh. Horokeu let the casually inserted insult slide off.

"So," Ren heard the awkward hint in his voice as much as he felt the edge of the bed sinking when the blunette sat down. "Have you ever done anything like that before?"

"...No." The pillow muffled Ren's response and hid the blush heating his cheeks.

"Not with anyone else?" But that got him to lift his head and look over at the Ainu. For a few seconds, he just stared at Horokeu. His face looked like he was stuck somewhere between feeling insulted and confused.

"What is that supposed to mean?" The younger male finally sat up, his voice expressing his perplexity just as much as his face. Horokeu swallowed hard, seeming to regret his question. But he already asked, it couldn't be taken back. Ren won't let him take it back.

"You said... I'm not the only one you've been with." Horokeu couldn't look Ren in the eyes as he spoke. "So... what about that guy?"

"What guy?" Ren furrowed his brows in unfiltered confusion.

"You know... that one I remind you of." Silence settled into the room and pressed on them. Ren felt like he was inhaling smoke and filling his lungs with water. But he opened his mouth before the lump in his throat formed into something he won't be able to handle.

"Why are you still asking me that?" He sighed at the memory he was forced to recall.

"Because you didn't answer me the first time I asked." Horokeu looked at him again, and Ren wanted to cringe at what he saw in those eyes.

"...No." Ren managed to find his voice. "Not with him... Never with him." But his words were heavily weighed by something Horokeu couldn't place a name. A shadow roiled the gold of those eyes and the blue haired boy watching him could see it swallowing Ren, pulling him further away. And it didn't matter how much he wanted to reach out and pull him out to bring him back. He can't pull Ren out of there because he couldn't even reach him. He can only watch from the outside. He will always be on the outside if he didn't know what he was going up against. Horokeu didn't stand a chance if he couldn't even name his enemy.

"Can you at least give me his name?"

"What?" Ren blinked at Horokeu like he just woke up, and the blunette blew out a breath to keep his patience from toppling over.

"That guy. I'm kind of tired of referring to him as 'the guy I keep reminding you of.'" He couldn't stress any further how much he meant that. He wanted a name, even though he may not have a face to place it. But Ren's lips pressed together to form a flat line, and his amber eyes froze over in a sort of panic. He was already thrown off by what was being brought up for discussion so he didn't know how he was being expected to come up with a name. He knew he just had to make it up, that it could be any random name out there but his mind was too rattled to even do that. He fell further away again, and Horokeu heaved another much heavier sigh.

"Look, I don't see how a name could hurt. I doubt I know him... Because I bet it's someone older." Horokeu could see how unprepared Ren was for that last part. So he didn't bother to wait for what he had to say about it, his next words tightly laced with contempt. "Old enough to be getting married, at least."

"What...?" An entirely different kind of dread was taking over Ren and it showed. "H-How…?" His quivering lips could barely form words, much less a question. But it was too obvious for him to have to ask anyway. Horokeu felt like he had cornered him into something he clearly wanted to stay away from and his stomach turned over with the guilt. He didn't know he was bringing up something that would shake him so badly and he almost wanted to say never mind. He wished he could tell him that it was ok if he didn't want to talk about it.

"That night after the party," But maybe it wasn't ok. Maybe what he's seeing is exactly why they had to talk about it. "When I brought you home and right before you passed out…you thought I was him. You said you were sorry. And something about being too late because I…he was getting married." Ren just sat there, staring at Horokeu like he was waiting for him to start making sense. Horokeu could only look back with eyes that were somewhat apologetic for the truth. That he never told him until now.

"Well, you already know it wasn't meant for you. So just…" Ren's eyes fell downcast like it finally sunk in. "Just forget it happened." A plea disguised into a command. The light in Ren's eyes kept dimming, and Horokeu hated how even his voice sounded like he was about to fade away right in front of him. All it did was remind him of the boy who clung to his hand while he could barely hold on to his own consciousness. Begging him to stay. The desperation of his words that were for someone else. Horokeu couldn't ignore any of it, much less forget, no matter how badly Ren wanted him to.

"Look, I don't know what happened between you guys. And I know it's none of my business. I get that." He really did. So much that he could feel it tightening his chest around his heart.

"You're right; it is none of your damn business." Ren's glare was as calloused as his words.

"I'm just saying, it sounded like you guys still have something to talk about." But Horokeu wasn't going to back down. The moment Ren realized that he got off the bed. Horokeu also jumped off, and grabbed the younger teen's wrist before he could grab the door's knob. Ren staggered back for a brief moment but yanked out of the blunette's hold and reached for the knob again. But the door shut as the Ainu pushed it from behind him. Ren kept turning and pulling on the knob but he couldn't get the door to open with Horokeu's arms pushing against the wood.

"Horo—" Ren whipped around with lips curled to bare his teeth but the older teen didn't even flinch.

"Ren, if anything's left unsaid—" He just returned it with his own unwavering defiant stare while looming over the smaller male.

"Shut up!" Ren snarled up at Horokeu and although the blunette did shut his mouth, he didn't move from his spot. And Ren bowed his head to stare down at his feet, so he won't have to see his face. And somehow, Horokeu wasn't worried about him making a run for it again so he took his arms off the door to stop leaning over him. Because Ren just stood there like he needed the space. With his hands balled up into trembling fists while struggling against all the chaos raging its merciless claws inside him. And Ren didn't know what was doing the most damage; being forced to face the one topic he didn't know how to handle, or the fact that he was caught trying to run from it. They both made him sick.

"I don't get it, Ren." Horokeu sighed, wishing the other would at least look at him. "Why can't you just talk to him?"

"...Because I can't." Ren's voice was barely over a whisper, too weak to bounce off the floor it fell on.

"You can't or you won't?" Horokeu could only respond with a voice that was coarse with stretched patience.

"I can't." Still, Ren bit down on the word like to chew on the bitterness of its meaning.

"Can't you at least try?"

"No."

"But you obviously still have something to say to him...otherwise, you wouldn't have said it to me."

"It doesn't matter."

"How can you say that!?" Horokeu didn't want to raise his voice but Ren's insistence wasn't making it easier. "You haven't even tried so how can you say that it doesn't matter!?"

"Because it doesn't! I can't because it's too late!" Ren still wouldn't look up.

"Damn it, Ren, just try! Just pick up the phone or text or email or do whatever the fuck you can! Stop making excuses and at least try! Tell him whatever it is you want to tell him!"

"I told you, I can't!"

"Just talk to him!"

"I can't!"

"Why not!? Why won't you talk to him!? Why can't you—"

"Because he's dead!" Ren finally looked up, letting his voice explode with the gravity of his words. Onyx eyes froze over like they forgot to blink and lips parted but nothing came out. Ren glowered at Horokeu's dumbfounded stupor with gold burning in vexed fixation. His chest swelled and shrunk with his rasped breathing like he was fighting something raw and barely under control.

"I can't call him. Or text him. Or send him a fucking email. It doesn't matter how many options I have. It doesn't matter that I want to talk to him. It doesn't matter what I have to say, or what I want him to know. Nothing matters because he's—" His voice wasn't the only thing that cracked as his face crumpled with his heart. His lips pressed together as he sucked in shallow breaths.

"I can't talk to him. Or see him. I can't tell him anything because—" His voice faltered again by a breath catching in his throat. He pressed together the back of his teeth in his frantic effort to withstand the sting in his eyes.

"R-Ren—" But Horokeu saying his name, with that voice, that face, that guilt ridden look in his eyes.

"I can't..." He made it that much harder for Ren to keep it all at bay. "I can't! I fucking can't! It's too late! I was too fucking late! He's dead... He's fucking dead!" The words spilled from him in a loud rush as if to make up for what he wasn't allowing to spill from his eyes. He turned his back to the Ainu. He couldn't face him. He couldn't look at that face. It was like being trapped with a ghost.

"Ren..." A hand fell on his shoulder. "Ren, I'm sorr—" He didn't want to hear it. And Ren stopped him from saying it by whipping around and grabbing a fistful of Horokeu's shirt with one hand and the other opened the door behind him. The startled blunette didn't have time to react as Ren maneuvered his body to practically throw him out into the hallway. Horokeu landed on his bottom and by the time he stood again, the door had slammed in his face. He grabbed the knob but the lock had already clicked in place.

"Ren!" Horokeu turned and shook the knob anyway. "Ren!" He still pleads and banged a fist on the hard wood that stood between them.

"Get out!" Ren's voice bellowed through the door, and Horokeu flinched like he had been struck by its very weight. Ren felt as if that weight was made up of the remains of what kept him standing. He turned around to fall back on the door and let his body surrender to the gravity pushing him down, slowly sliding against the dense wood until he reached the floor. He huddled his legs close and dropped his head into his hands, pressing his palms over his eyes that still threatened to betray him. The banging stopped.

"But Ren—" But there's that voice again.

"Just go." Ren groaned, worn and drained of what felt like everything he had just from hearing that voice say his name. His fingers dug into his scalp as he mustered a dying whisper. "...Please." The word could barely get past his lips and he didn't know if it reached Horokeu. He didn't care.

The banging stopped. His name wasn't being called. And just as Ren raised his face, wondering how long the stillness will last, the faintest of footsteps tapped the stairs. And he listened to them descending away. He rests his head back against the locked door and closed his eyes to the sound that hardly reached his ears. It didn't take long for the silence to return again. That still didn't get him off the floor. Not even the sound of the front door closing.

Vacant amber eyes stared at the ceiling. He lost grip of time long before he ended up on this floor. But he still waited. Waited to hear something other than the rain outside. Waited for the door downstairs to open again. Waited for the same footsteps to come rattling up the stairs. Waited for him to call his name again. He waited for the sky to crack and come crashing down if everything else he was waiting for won't come for him.

He's dead!

Ren finally stood, because he knew the sky wouldn't come for him either. He knew even more that sitting here doing nothing would only make him think too much. But when he unlocked his door and stepped out into the hallway, he felt a wave of disappointment consume him. He understood what sort of hope was falling away from him when he reached the bottom of the stairs. Some part of him still wanted to believe that Horokeu was still in the house. That he only pretended to leave so he can lure Ren out. But he was gone and to prove it, the front door he walked out of was unlocked. There was a small tremor in Ren's hand that reached out to it. The industrial sound of the lock sliding back into place seeped into Ren to somewhere deeper than the sound of the whispering rain could reach him.

The dining room was something else entirely. Ren walked into the remains of their deed; clothes littered on the floor by the only chair pulled away from the dining table where the wine glass still stood. They sent a surge of heat to Ren's cheeks and he shuddered at the thought of his sister coming home to see it. He changed back into his clothes, unable to complain about the few wrinkles when he was too thankful about not getting anything on them that he'd need to wash off. And after positioning the chair back to match its counterparts, he grabbed the wine glass. The last of the evidence was washed, dried, and placed back exactly where it was supposed to be.

Nothing was left to give his sister reason to ask him anything he didn't want to explain or lie about. The relief sent him falling on the living room sofa. And somewhere in the midst of his teetering consciousness, his exhausted mind wandered back to Horokeu. And as he lie staring out at no particular point with lids heavy on his eyes, he suddenly realized he never got to tell the blunette what he found out about Aoi, how it was all some stupid prank Hao was playing on them. It was almost funny; the things he could forget during what they do behind closed doors, and still finding it in himself to clean up every evidence when they're done. The things he'll remember after he leaves the same door.

He's dead!

It was the first time he said it out loud.

"God-damn it..." Ren whispered and his drowsy cat-like eyes narrowed. Those exact words were also the last thing he said before—

It's funny he could remember that but he couldn't even remember the last thing he said to Horokeu before he woke up. Before he woke up to all of this. It must have been that insignificant if he can't remember the last words he said to him. Ren could laugh at the irony. He would laugh if it were really that funny.

To be continued…