Envelope 38

Author's Note: Some of you may not like this scene, but after 5 years of Liz being gone, Don needs to find a life for himself. Anything in italics is a memory or flashback. Please review.

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"And that's how I got into marketing," the woman said with a smile.

"Sounds like it's right up your alley," Don said as he smiled back.

He knew she saw his ring and didn't care.

"It's really fun," she said. "With travel, which when you come from Kansas, is exciting even it it's just in the US."

"And you are here for the marketing conference?" Don asked her.

"Yes, just a couple of days," she said as she placed a hand on his.

Don smiled at her and got up from his chair and paid for their drinks. She stood as well and followed him out of the hotel bar.

She was blonde and busty with a healthy extra twenty pounds on her that she wore well. She looked nothing like Liz, and that made this work. He was wrong last time, choosing a woman that looked like her. It was not pretty when, afterwards, he locked himself in the washroom and got in the shower to muffle his panic attack that was a mixture of regret, guilt, grief, and remorse. This time, he was determined to be a fucking man and just get laid.

They walked toward the elevator and he turned to look at her, "What floor?"

"Tenth," she said with a smile as she cuddled up against him.

The cuddling made him uncomfortable, and he was happy to step away from her to hold the doors for her to get in the elevator. When they got in the elevator it was easier to kiss her passionately than to worry that she'd try cuddling again.

"Truth of Dare?" Liz asked him as they sat in the car on a stakeout.

"Truth," Ressler said as he kept his eyes peeled on the factory they were watching.

"First time?" Liz asked him with a giggle and a wide grin.

"Don't you usually start small and build up to those types of truth questions?" Don asked her as he looked at her briefly.

"I like to live life on the edge," Liz giggled.

Don cleared his throat and fixed his tie.

"Moira Picowitz," Don said.

Liz waited for him to continue.

"And?" She asked, annoyed he'd stopped.

"You asked for the truth, I gave you her name," Don said, confused.

"I asked for the truth about your first time, I didn't ask for her name, but thanks for that," Liz chuckled.

Don shifted in his seat.

"Look if you're still a virgin I…" Liz started, teasing.

Don gave her a dark look that stopped her from continuing, knowing that he was anything but a virgin.

"I was fourteen," Don said as his eyes shifted toward her and then back to the factory. "She and I were neighbors our whole lives, and we did it in her room. Like most first times, the act was quick but…"

"But?' Liz asked.

"She wanted to cuddle afterwards," Don said with disdain.

"Well, she gave you her virginity, I would think that cuddling would be…"

"Oh, no, that ship had sailed," Don chucked. "I may have been a virgin at 14, but Moira sure as hell wasn't."

"Ohhhh," Liz said, surprised.

"Yeah," Don chuckled.

"So, what's wrong with cuddling?" Liz asked.

"It's just so…personal," Don said, squirming a little.

"You just literally put part of your body within her body and cuddling was too personal?"

Don chuckled.

"When you put it that way, it sounds ridiculous," he chuckled. "But aren't there things you feel are quite personal that others would think weren't?"

Liz thought for a moment. "Foot rubs. I know it seems weird because people love them so much, but I have to be pretty freaking comfortable with someone if I let them touch my feet."

Don nodded.

"Okay, your turn," Liz said as she crossed her arms over her chest.

"Uh…first time?" Don asked.

"Unlike some people," Liz chuckled. "I was an adult when I first slept with someone. I was in college and his name was Grant Darby."

"Come on, you know the drill, I didn't ask you for a name, I asked you about…"

"My college dorm room," Liz explained. "I was terrified the entire time that my roommate would walk in, I couldn't relax, so it was not comfortable."

"I'm sorry," Don said, honestly.

"He was patient and nice," Liz reminisced. "He's a dentist now."

"Well, lucky you have a dental plan, or you'd be regretting the decision to walk away from good ol' Grant Darby," Don chuckled.

Liz smacked him with her arm.

Two and a half hours later, Don was back at home scrubbing her off him in he shower in the basement, so he wouldn't wake his kids. It went better than the first time, sort of like when he was a teenager, the second time was better than the first. But it didn't make him want to go to bed with her scent on him, and, although it was good for both of them, it still felt uncomfortable. Don tried not to wonder if this was going to be the rest of his life. He couldn't help but wonder if his sex life would mainly consist of his hand as his primary sexual partner except for a couple times a year when he would pick up someone random and get the full release that only happened when another person was involved. That connection.

The fifth anniversary of Liz's death was just last month. He hadn't seen her since the library opening and doubted she would ever visit him again. He had, reluctantly, come to terms with that truth and decided she was right, he needed to move on. He was going to be forty-five in the spring, he didn't need her ghost to tell him he could move on and still hold onto what was good about their past.

She'd just helped him clean up the mess that he and his brother had created. He had gone to her so ask why she did what she did when she called him knucklehead and dipstick.

They went to bed together that night just to sleep, and he'd held her close against him, her body pressed to him. He'd laid there for a long time feeling her warm breath against his chest and the rise and fall of her chest and stomach pressed against his. It felt comforting and like home, she was home for him. In the morning, she slid up to his face and kissed him differently, he couldn't describe what was different about her kiss, but it was. It had purpose and intent.

"I want you," she said softly as she climbed on top of him.

"You've got me." He smirked back.

"No, I. want. You." she said making her intent clear. "I'm done with games and the pretense that we aren't fully involved. We're fully involved Ressler. You are mine, and we need to stop stopping ourselves, why we do this to ourselves, I'm not sure…"

"Liz, are you sure about this?" Don asked as he pulled himself up slightly and leaned on his elbows.

"Why we haven't…since…" Liz started.

Just then, Agnes burst into the room and Liz jumped off him like he was on fire.

"Hey peanut," Liz said as she rose and reached for a robe to pull over her tank top and panties.

"Uncle Don stayed over?" Agnes asked, perplexed.

"Yeah, my apartment…I got locked out," Don said as he sat up and reached for his t-shirt that was hanging off the side of the bed. "Your mom let me stay."

Agnes nodded and looked between the two of them, not sure what to make of the situation.

"And I promised her pancakes," Don said as he stood and reached for his pants on the floor. "She said you like those?"

"I do!" Agnes cheered.

"Then let's go make some pancakes," Don said as he stepped around the mess of their clothes on Liz's floor and watched Agnes run to the kitchen.

He looked at Liz standing with her hands still clutching the tie of her robe and looking like she was going to vomit. She had not wanted Agnes to find them like that.

He stopped in front of Liz and kissed her softly on the lips. "It's going to be fine. She's fine. She didn't see anything."

"We need to get our shit together," Liz said as she gave him a tight smile.

It was time he got his shit together, time he stopped living like a monk, and time he stepped back into the adult world. He was not interested in a girlfriend, a mother for his kids, or someone he made compromises for. No, he just needed to find some space in his life for this purely adult pursuit that gave him something beyond work, home, and friends. He needed to find a small space in his life for him.

To be continued…