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Chapter Thirty-Seven
Edward POV

It's strange pretending you're dead.

Or I guess I'm not technically supposed to be dead. I don't know what I'm supposed to be. I'm definitely not supposed to exist anymore though.

I'm antsy, not being able to go anywhere or do anything. The waiting reminds me of my time in the unincorporated land. Of course, it's better here, so I shouldn't fucking complain. I'm not in limbo, waiting to cross the border. I'm not in pain. I'm not uncertain about where I stand with Bella. But still, it's hard not to compare the feelings. The stagnation. The inability to make shit happen on my own.

My days consist of hiding out and taking care of Esme. Evenings, too. But my nights… my nights are all Bella. Her smooth skin. Her soft sounds. I fucking love the way she breathes my name when I move between her legs. More than that, I love that I'm the only one who knows exactly how to make her come undone. James may be legally bound to her, but she's mine in every other fucking way.

The sound of a car door closing catches my attention, and I discreetly move toward the window. I'm surprised to see Bella here this early since she usually works until after five. I know she hates it, having to continue every day like normal. She says she's gonna be gone soon anyway, so what's the point of continuing work? Every morning when she leaves, she begs to stay and reminds me of all the things we can do with her time off, and sometimes she shows me, too. But I remind her she needs to keep her schedule. No sudden changes. Everything needs to stay the same, so she doesn't bring attention to herself.

But she's here now, a couple of hours early, and though I'm fucking happy to see her, it worries me.

I unlock the door before she walks in but make sure to stand out of view as she opens and closes it. She presses a quick kiss to my mouth. Even though I want to deepen it, I don't, anxious to know why she's already back.

"What's up? Why aren't you at work?" I ask, locking the door behind her.

"James showed up earlier, and he was really upset. He—"

"Fuck," I breathe, cutting her off. "Does he know? About us?"

"No. I thought that at first, too, but… he had other upsetting news." Bella sits on the couch, but I stay standing because I'm already on edge. "I don't really know how, but… he found some files that have the details of everyone who's ever been forced into the Procedure."

"What?"

"We weren't the only ones, Edward. You were right—this has happened before. And now we have proof," she says, nearly triumphant.

This isn't the news I was expecting to hear, so it takes me a second to react. I'm still stuck on potentially being outed and forced into another Procedure to really revel in this information.

"Did you tell him?" I blurt.

"Tell him what?"

"That you already knew you and I were forced into the surgery?"

I feel bad when she looks offended. "No," she mumbles. "I played dumb and acted like you were a stranger to me."

It hurts to hear, but it's what needs to happen. I don't fucking trust anyone and neither should she.

Bella dives into the details, explaining that James was also forced into the Procedure with someone named Bree, the same girl who was forced to have the memories of her baby removed months ago. She explains the connection, and how James is likely the father of the baby that Kate is now raising alone. I get that it's wrong and immoral and fucked up, but part of me doesn't care about them. We need to focus on ourselves and get the fuck out of here. I'm about to tell her this, but then she pulls a USB out of her pocket and holds it out to me.

"What's that?" I look, but I don't touch it.

"James made copies of everything. This has every person who was forced into the Procedure. Details, names, dates." Her voice is laced with determination, but all this news does is make my stomach turn. "It's all of the missing information from our real files."

"Jesus Christ," I mutter. "What are you doing with that?"

"I don't know yet. But I asked him to go back and make copies—"

"Bella."

"What?"

She looks annoyed. Maybe because I'm not exactly acting thrilled about this news. I understand the need for vindication, but it's dangerous. She's playing with fire, and she doesn't even know it. She doesn't remember how close we were to running last time and how it all came to an abrupt end. She doesn't remember being taken from me. Or the fear right before the injection. Part of me is glad she doesn't remember any of that because it was fucking traumatizing. But her not knowing is working against me. I admire her for being brave, but right now, I just need her to be smart. And safe. I need her to lay low. Sneaking around with James and playing detective isn't laying low. It's begging for a repeat of last time.

I crouch down in front of her so we're eye level, and I take the USB from her hand.

"We need to get rid of this," I say, and she instantly snatches it back.

"Why?"

"I don't trust James. I don't trust anyone. And neither should you."

"Nothing is going to happen," she argues.

"What if he's setting you up?"

"Why would he do that?"

"I don't know," I mutter, irritated. "Why the fuck wouldn't he?"

"He was forced into the Procedure, too, Edward. Hundreds of people were. And it's not fucking okay," she snaps.

"I know it's not. But it's not our job to bring down the government. We don't have that kind of time or protection. We need to get the fuck out. That's my main concern right now," I say and tuck some hair behind her ear. She stays eerily quiet, biting on the inside of her cheek and avoiding my eyes. I realize too late why. "What did you do?" I ask, standing.

"I gave the other copy to Carmen. I thought she could help somehow, and—" I start pacing again, and she stands, her words rushing out now. "I didn't know. I should've talked to you before."

I can't help but be pissed. "You knew I'd tell you no. You knew I'd say to stay the fuck out of it. It's not our job—"

"If not us, then who? Who the fuck is gonna step up and out them? When will it end, huh? We were lucky it didn't work on you. Not everyone gets a second chance like we do," she mumbles. "Be mad at me. That's fine. But I can't just know all of this and do nothing."

I blow out a breath, and she moves closer, running her hands up my arms, forcing me to look at her.

"If neither of us ever remembered each other… wouldn't you want to know? Wouldn't you want someone to tell us? To put an end to it?"

"Of course I fucking would," I mutter, almost resigned. Whatever she did is done, and there's no going back. Wrapping my arms around her waist, I pull her into me and press my forehead to hers. "I can't lose you again."

"You won't," she whispers, her voice just as desperate as mine.

"We need to get out of here. I fucking hate that it's taking so long…" I release a frustrated sigh, and she presses her mouth to mine. "So, what did Carmen say?" I ask. "What's gonna happen?"

"I have no idea. I don't think anything is going to happen just yet. I gave the information to her, and she'll make sure it gets into the right hands. We'll probably be gone before anything comes of it."

"And James?"

"James knows to keep quiet," Bella says assuredly.

"Does he, though? He's a man who just found out his life is a lie, and his memories have been fucked with. He's a loose cannon. I don't trust him."

"He's not gonna do anything," she promises. I fucking hate that she's sticking up for him. But I let it go. If I'm gonna put my trust into anyone, it's gonna be her.

But that doesn't mean I'm not coming up with a new plan to get us the fuck out of here sooner.

XXX

It's close to midnight, and Bella is curled in my bed, against my side. Earlier, she suggested going home by herself, just in case James shows up. Just to keep things "normal" like I keep suggesting. But the thought of her leaving and being out of my sight was too much. I'd rather her be here, where I can protect her, than at home alone.

If someone's gonna come for us again, I'm prepared this time.

"What's it like living in the wilderness?" she asks, yawning.

"It's… different." I don't know what she wants to hear. That it's gonna fucking suck for the first six months she's out there? That getting accustomed to that life isn't for everyone? That once Winter hits, she's gonna regret it. Maybe. But like everything else, eventually, things get better. It makes you stronger. More resilient.

"Well, I figured it'd be different," she laughs. "Where do you sleep?"

"I have a small place," I tell her. "It's not much. It used to be my dad's." She hums in reply. "Some people are in tents. They prefer that, I guess. But there's a whole community of trailers."

"How'd they get out there?"

"They've been there for… fuck, I don't know how long. Way before the Procedure was mandatory." It's hard to imagine a time when the Procedure wasn't a legal obligation. Having it be elective was never an option in our lifetime, though. Not in my father's, either. "The trailers were there before the fence was built, I guess people lived out there."

"Like hippies?" she asks, laughing.

I smile, even though she can't see it. "Sure. Hippies."

"Are you gonna love me even when I'm a hippie?" she asks playfully. "Dirty hair… dirty hand-me-down clothes?"

"I'm gonna love you forever," I say seriously.

"Even when I'm pregnant and complaining every night that I wish I were in a real bed?"

I swallow and nod. I haven't thought about that yet—having a family. I haven't thought much past getting us out and just being together forever. But now that she's said it, I fucking want it, all of it. With her.

"So, that's where we'll stay when we go out there? In your trailer?" she asks, changing the subject to something lighter. Something more immediate than our distant future.

"Yeah. Rose is staying there now."

"Oh." Her playful mood shifts and I feel fucking stupid for mentioning Rose. "So, you two… you both stayed in the trailer? Like slept in there together, or—"

"No, no, no. I let her have my trailer, so she'd be comfortable, but I was in a different trailer the entire time. The one where people are like… healing and shit."

Bella's quiet before she tightens her arm around me. "I hate imagining you being in pain. It kills me."

"I'm okay now," I murmur, sliding a finger under her chin, so she'll meet my eyes. "Better than okay." It's not exactly true, but I'm better than I was.

"Good," she whispers and kisses me.

Our kiss deepens and evolves into something more. Something heated. I move on top of her to lie between her legs. I kiss the spot under her ear, then the area above her collarbone.

When I pull back a little and look at her face, she's smug.

"What?" I ask, fighting my own smile.

"We're just… really fucking good at this, aren't we? Being together or whatever."

I stare down at her and roll to the side, so I'm lying next to her. "We are. It's always been easy with you."

"Even the first time?" she asks, and her cheeks flush, so I know she's asking about our first time having sex.

"Even then."

"It wasn't awkward or…"

"Not really, no. I was kinda nervous," I admit, thinking back to that sweltering summer day in my bed. "You weren't nervous though."

"I wasn't?"

"No. You were really fucking sexy," I murmur, and she smiles shyly.

"Maybe it's just always felt right with you," she says quietly. I kiss the corner of her mouth, then I find her lips. "I hate that I don't remember our first time, though."

I fucking hate that she doesn't remember, either. She's been doing this a lot: wanting to know about all my memories of us and the details, large and small. I can only fill her in on so much, though, and she's always in a funk afterward. Sometimes I'm worried the past she doesn't remember is gonna bring her down. But right now she surprises me, her mood staying light and playful.

"Remind me again what we did that first time?" she suggests, smirking. "Since my memory is a little hazy."

I just smile, slide my fingers between her legs, and show her exactly what I remember.

XXX

When Bella's alarm goes off the next morning, she snoozes it a good four times before she turns it off.

"I don't wanna go to work," she complains, and I blink my eyes open.

"Normalcy," I remind her.

"Taking a sick day every now and then is normal," she grumbles.

"Yeah, but…"

"It's fine. I'll just call in today. One day. No one will think anything of it."

I wanna say no, but I also don't want her out of my sight. So, she calls the office and feigns a cough, taking the day off.

I let her sleep a little longer, but I'm up to help Esme. I make her food that she doesn't touch and line up her pills.

She's quiet today. I know to give her space when she's like this. I move around the room, making sure everything's good, trying to keep myself scarce.

"It's my little boy's birthday today," she says out of nowhere.

It's not my birthday, and I'm no longer her little boy. I am her son, but at this moment, I'm a stranger, I guess.

"How old is he?" I ask, pulling over the chair I brought in from the kitchen and sitting closer to her bed.

"Six." She smiles. "He told me he wants to be just like his dad when he grows up."

I don't remember saying that, but I'm sure it's true. I guess my dream did pan out. I am like my father in many, many ways.

"Sounds like a cool kid," I say, mirroring her smile.

"He's the brightest and the best."

Carl used to say that to me all the fucking time, but I'd forgotten all about it. The nostalgia from a lifetime ago makes my heart clench.

She keeps talking about me to me, and I just listen and hang onto her every word. She recalls stories I've heard before, but some are new too. I didn't know I broke my arm falling out of a tree. I also didn't know I threatened to run away once.

"He was so mad his father wouldn't take him along for his work trips," she says, laughing at the memory. I guess I know why, now. When I was six, though, it didn't make sense why he'd be gone all the time. "But Carl reminded him that his job was the most important one, so he was okay staying behind after that."

"What was his job?" I ask. "Your son's, I mean."

"Staying behind to look after me," she says simply.

My throat feels tight. "Yeah, that is pretty important."

I know Jasper doesn't get it, not fully, but this is why I can't leave her behind. She's counting on me. My father would want me to look after her, too. I'd be letting him down if I never came back, making someone else responsible for her.

"Are you okay?" Esme asks, and I scrub a hand over my face, the sudden emotion catching me off guard.

Before I can answer, there's a soft knock on the door, and Bella peeks her head inside.

"Sorry," she whispers. "Can we talk for a second?"

I turn back to Esme and tell her I'll be right back before slipping out into the hall. Before Bella even speaks, I know something is wrong. Her face is pale, and her eyes are wide, but I try not to react before I hear what she's gonna say.

"I just got a call," she tells me. "From work."

"Do you have to go in?"

"No. It was Vanessa. She said the enforcers showed up looking for me."

I'm gonna be fucking sick. "Why?"

"Because they want to bring me in for questioning?" Bella mumbles, her voice cracking. "Vanessa said it has to do with James. I guess you were right. He's a loose cannon. He sought Bree out and was telling her all this stuff about them having been together and how the Procedure was forced onto them. How they have a baby... " She trails off, shaking her head in disbelief. "Bree flipped since she doesn't remember him, and she called the cops."

"Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck." I turn away from her and punch the wall, my knuckles stinging and the skin breaking. "Fuck!"

She reaches out to stop me from putting my fist through the wall again. "Edward, don't. Please."

"Well, what? This was what I was fucking scared of!" I shout. "I knew something bad was gonna happen. I just fucking knew James would… fuck! He's fucking it all up."

Bella flinches at my tone and buries her face in her hands.

"Why do they want to bring you in for questioning?" I ask harshly.

She lifts her head, her eyes glistening. "I guess because… because I'm his wife? He might have confessed that he told me everything?" she guesses. "He might have mentioned the files and maybe about giving them to me? But I don't know. I have no fucking idea." She's crying now, and I feel bad for getting pissed, but this is exactly what I needed to avoid. Now people are looking for her. They want to bring her in for questioning. Even if it doesn't have to do with me, it's still not good. If they're aware she knows she was forced into the Procedure the first time, who's to say they wouldn't fucking do it again?

"I'm sorry," she cries, and I grab the back of her neck and pull her roughly to me, caging her in my arms.

"I'm sorry for yelling. I'm not mad at you, I'm just… I'm fucking scared now."

She buries her face in my chest, clutching at me like I'll save her. And I want to. I'll try.

"You warned me," she mumbles through her tears.

I'm not gonna play that game, the one where I tell her I was right, and she was wrong. Because I couldn't have guessed anything like this would happen. I was just scared. Cautious. I didn't actually know. I couldn't have known.

I pull back and grab her face with both of my hands. "It's fine, okay?" It's not, but if I freak out again, then she will too. We need to be calm and think about this rationally.

"Should I let the enforcers question me? Should I show up and pretend like I'm against James? Maybe act like I was gonna report him anyway, but I just hadn't yet?"

"No. Fuck that. No. You're not going anywhere near them. Who knows what the fuck they'll do. Even if they believed you, you still know too much. They wouldn't hesitate to give you another Procedure. And if they remove your memories of me for a second time?" I can't even let myself entertain the idea.

"So, what do we do?" she asks desperately.

I try to think quickly. "We need to get the fuck out. Now. Tonight. I need to call Jasper and have him contact Jake."

Her tears stop, and she's suddenly serious. Maybe even scared. "Like we'll go… today?"

"Tonight. We just need to hide until then."

She chews on her thumbnail. "We'll go, and that's it? We're gone for good, right?"

"Yes." I say it without thinking. Without taking Esme into consideration. "Wait. Fuck. My mom." She's been too confused today. She's not well. There's no way I can bring her tonight. She'd slow us down, hold us back. And time is not on our side. I can't just rip her out of bed, expect her to go willingly, and make her climb a fifty-foot fucking fence. I need to have lucid conversations with her to prepare her for what to expect.

"You can't leave her," Bella says seriously.

I nod in agreement. I can't. I won't. But I can't let anything happen to Bella, either. Right now she's the number one priority. Her safety is at risk.

"I need to talk to Jasper, and I'll figure it out," I tell her, and keep it at that. Because I know what needs to happen. I do. Bella isn't going to like it, and it's gonna break my fucking heart. But I'd do anything in my power to keep her safe. Even if it hurts.