There Is (No) Hope

by BardInTheForest

Shinji Ikari was not a young man that lived an easy life. Each good that the universe teased him with was typically met with a greater evil. Now the only pilot capable of fielding an Evangelion against a series of reborn Angels, he will have to adapt to new allies and new foes. The world has changed, and there is no running away from it anymore.

38. Chapter 38

+++++ Hikawa Shrine, Azabu-Juban, Japan. (Tuesday + 10)

The room moved to restore a calm sense of order, following Yukiko's demonstration of the pecking order. Maria had, quietly, done as ordered before helping Inari move back to a sitting position. The elder Kitsune was far too wobbly to do more than try to sit up with assistance, and had trouble focusing her eyes enough to see who had just swatted her like she was little more than an annoying gnat. Rei had recovered enough herself to check on Sarah's condition, the blonde not having taken the damage caused by Naoko's contact with Shinji well, remaining unconscious as she was moved to Shinji's bed for further medical care. Usagi focused her attentions on Haruka, specifically the back of the powerful Sailor's head where it had contacted the wall with no small amount of force. That meant that Minako was left alone to right herself, further driving her mood towards anger and hurt.

Shinji looked down towards a woman that he had believed, deep in what had once been his soul, was an Angel stealing the guise of the mother of a woman he had lying in state two room over. She looked far less healthy, with sunken eyes and malnourishment evident in her arms and bony hands, and the way she looked at him wasn't with the odd hunger of the viral Angel…but with an emotion he had more associated with Misato. He couldn't understand it here any more than he had back at the apartment he'd shared with his former tactical commander, but it was the closest he had to describe it.

Naoko herself had eyes only for him, and begged him in a subservient voice that did not belong to the aura she possessed, "Might I please see you without Unit-01 corrupting you…please?"

The danger inherent in the act seemed both worthy of attention and laughably absent. Even without the enhanced physical prowess he'd gained from arriving in this strange and familiar land there was no chance at all of her harming him. Shinji Ikari was faster, stronger, and healthier then than she was now. As he stood? She was a house kitten standing before a tidal wave. Still, mistrust made him slow to respond, the constant changes to his environment and knowledge of people damaging his mind and heart. Ultimately, though, it was the need to help keep the peace that formed his response. Unit-01 unwillingly retracted into his body, leaving him standing there with the loose clothing he'd salvaged from Ritsuko's apartment that Maria had given him. His face carried the same caution and anxiety his heart felt, but his voice was razor-coated steel, "What did you just do?"

Her own face shifted from cold drive to warmth and pleasure. "What I wanted to. I made certain that you wouldn't simply choke me to death like your father did before I could give you everything."

"Father…Naoko Akagi died in a fall, in the Magi room. She struck her head on Balthasar-2, dying instantly."

Naoko's smile became pained briefly, before returning to its previous luster. "Naoko Akagi, the one from this universe, died after watching me be choked to death. She had been forced through the Space Time Door, delivered to the exact point she needed to be at to observe what he'd done, and then tripped and fell backwards off the catwalk. I, the Naoko Akagi from our universe, was choked to death by Gendo Ikari, then resuscitated by Ireul so that I might help you in whatever way I can." The one hand she had on his chest was joined by the other. "I am a gift to you, a living time capsule of a world that none but you and I remember."

The touch was allowed to linger for several seconds while he processed her statement, then firmly removed as he remembered his old world's cardinal rule. "Half-truths make the best lies. Just enough to trick you into thinking that someone's telling the truth, not enough to tell the whole story. My father was a bastard, and he might very well have killed you, but I refuse to believe that an Angel is doing something 'nice' for me without a serious catch. I remember enough of my history classes to know how Troy fell."

"Timeo Danaos et dona ferentes," Haruka agreed warily. "She isn't a Danaan, but the proverb still applies."

"But it is the truth." She wasn't professing her innocence or begging him to believe her. Instead, Naoko was stating everything plainly and letting him decide, "I killed the first cloned copy of the Angel-human hybrid he'd crafted in the likeness of your cunt of a mother, in an effort to stop the blue-haired abomination from killing the whole world in her madness, and Gendo walked in just as I was finished throttling the little bitch. We could easily clone another copy, but he had a violent temper where Yui was concerned. Since the clone looked like Yui, he decided that my 'punishment' should fit my 'crime' and choked me to death. Ireul, the Angel you would remember as the one defeated by my daughter, rescued me to offer as a bargaining chip. She asked that I pass along that very message, 'Do not destroy two worlds, enemy of my enemy. We need not work together to keep both alive'." Her promise fulfilled, she glanced over at Shinji's bed to take in Sarah's condition. "With your permission, I would like to examine the young woman there. If I had to guess, she's human. What just happened had to be rough on her."

Shinji's eyes narrowed slightly. "And you're not?"

"Not anymore." The sun was hot, the Earth's surface was mostly water, and Naoko Akagi was not human. There was no more emotional power in her voice for the thought, it was simply what it was. "We're tied now. Humans can't live forever, but so long as I do not lie to you I will. QED, since we're spouting Latin phrases to one another." She looked back up to him. "May I please make sure she's not in serious condition? If she's in this room, I have to assume you regard her kindly." When he turned his shoulders to move out of her path, she inclined her head in gratitude and hobbled over to begin an examination. "Should I ever tire of being near you, or you tire of having me near you, I'll simply lie to you and that will be that. My soul will writhe in torment for all time, you'll be free of me, problem solved."

His eyes remained fixed on Naoko, his tone growing worried, "…Yukiko?"

"Not a single lie." Her voice remained foreboding, a warning to the ladies in the room to not begin squabbling again while they figured out a path forward, "I'm sorry to report that you are now the owner of a woman guilty of crimes against humanity."

"Crimes performed in an effort to ensure humanity continued on, if you please." Once more, Naoko wasn't defending herself, merely stating facts. "I had no illusions of acquittal, and unlike others was not interested in attempting a 'Nuremburg Defense'. I chose to play my part, and would do so again if given the opportunity. There were very few people who stood any chance of preventing either the Angels or Gehirn from turning humanity into so much LCL, smushing every soul together in a perverse gestalt, and even fewer after his father ended our relationship. My actions would stand on their own, my accomplishments on their own, and I would walk to my execution with whatever dignity they would allow me to display."

Minako choked out in disgust, "She's still a murde-" Whatever else she might have said was stamped on by Yukiko flicking her finger towards the Sailor for Venus, causing the blonde's head to tilt backwards with her jaw firmly shut.

"Not right now, dear, the adults are speaking." Yukiko shook her head, disappointed. "She's not lying there either. She knows her guilt, accepts her crimes, and was not 'pretending' to do what was necessary simply to get away with horrors. Much like you, she acted to defend humanity against complete annihilation. Much like you," she paused to consider her words carefully, "she accepted the responsibility her actions incurred."

A great deal of blood had been spilt to give him the chances he needed to kill the Angels, all before he ever knew there was more than one 'Earth'. Blackouts causing vehicular accidents, missed shots from his rifle crushing houses hundreds of kilometers away, delays due to immaturity and weakness, his running away from everything. People died because of things he either did, or did not, do. That meant he had a responsibility to do what he could to make those deaths mean something, and to accept death as the cost of doing so. Shinji quietly watched Naoko work, examined her as she examined Sarah, and just as quietly accepted that the woman was now his responsibility as well.

Her dark mahogany hair swaying lifelessly as she looked back over her shoulder, seeing that he was watching her, she gave him an affirming grin. "Her pulse is steady, as is her breathing. I couldn't feel any broken bones, or spinal misalignment, but that doesn't mean she won't be sore when she wakes up. Chances are good she just took the shock of the Words poorly, and will wake up once her body shakes off that shock."

"…I need to make something clear to everyone," his right hand clenched tight, "right now, nothing is more important than doing what we can to save what's left. We can't get in touch with anyone, I've gone almost twenty kilometers both west and south west of the shrine and only found a handful of survivors, and those 'zombies' and the Angels are still attacking. I don't care if I'm the answer to your every dream, if I am literally the physical incarnation of love in your eyes…I do not have time to spare. Rei-san understands that. Haruka-san understands that. Sarah-san understands that." He took a shuddering breath, his hand releasing and clenching several more times. "The next woman that comes up to me and tries to distract me from my duty with nonsense about loving me is going to be fortunate to walk away intact." His hand gestured to Rei's. "That ring is on her hand because I understand her. Because she understands me. Because when push comes to shove, I can trust that she's going to give me everything she has in an effort to keep everyone alive. That means she," he emphasized the gesture, "and she alone, has my permission to do anything that might be considered a waste of time by me, because I know she'll have a reason for it. Because I know she'll give me time to think, not force me to answer her right then and there. So 'love' as a topic ends, right now. Let's finish telling each other what we need to, and get some fucking sleep. Tomorrow's not coming any later, and we all have work to do."

Haruka walked closer, and held out her right hand expectantly. "You already know I love you, and you know I know I love you. There's no need to discuss it any further, and every reason for me to give you everything I can to keep everyone alive. Let's not dither about this, kid…we're at each other's backs to the hilt."

Nearly tall enough to look him in the eye, and far too gorgeous for her own good, she reminded him with physical presence what her words gave him emotionally. Shinji knew that he couldn't deny her a ring, the rules he'd set down for their gifting very clear on the point. Reaching out with his own right hand, fist curled, he set it atop her open, waiting, hand. "To the hilt." A ring fitted to her middle finger solidified in that fist, constructed of a form of nickel that wouldn't fracture no matter how much force was applied, studded with small hemispheres of iron, it was a reminder to her and him of the burdens of trust. "…Tell Michiru that I'm not doing well at all. I'm doing what I can, but this isn't a fight we win." Opening his hand and letting the gift drop into her hand, he lowered his voice for her ears alone, "I'm dying before you and Michi-chan, Haru-chan…or I'm going to destroy everything in reprisal."

Examining her new piece of jewelry calmly, she slipped it onto her middle finger once she was confident that it was appropriately tailored to her personality. With that same hand, she reached back up and grabbed Shinji's chin, tugging him down into a fierce kiss before pushing him back upright and shoving the tip of her index finger against his nose. "You die on us, and I'm going to hunt your fucking soul down and drag you back here kicking and screaming. Your ass is ours, Ikari. We're just loaning you out to the rest of humanity until I can get that island Michi-chan wants."

Is this what love is? His stray thought, the first formed of words for some time, put words to a question he'd someday need an answer to. This woman, dedicated heart and soul to Michiru, was not joking around with him. In her eyes he saw the kind of honesty that he'd only ever received from someone delivering terrible news, only this time it was for something that she'd fight beyond death for. If this was love…. "I'll keep us fed, but you're doing the dishes."

"Psh, Michi won't, so somebody has to. 'Dish soap makes my fingers too dry to finger things properly'," her imitation of the woman she loved was pitch-perfect, and brought a chuckle out of the person she'd wanted it to. She knew he'd missed the double entendre, and was content with the joke only half-landing since it produced the intended result. "I'll slap down people who want to start shit, ok? You focus on everything else."

A deep breath gave him further calm, his anger having once more been defused by Haruka's keen insights. "Usagi-san," he turned his body to face her, hardening his heart against the pain in her eyes, "what was it you needed to talk to me about?"

"I…we, uhm," with uncharacteristic hesitance, it was evident that she was editing her statements before giving them, "I think we need to abandon the Earth for a while. We need to go where they can't reach what's left of humanity."

"There are too many people still possibly alive out there," he shook his head, dismissing the notion of retreat, "I brought two dozen back today alone. I'm not abandoning one survivor to them, and I'm not going to let them spread beyond Japan either."

"It is way too late for that." Maria interrupted reluctantly, "Lov…Shinji, there are…at a rough guess, there are less than fifty thousand humans left alive on Earth. I'm probably erring on the high end there. My own thoughts are that there are easily less than twenty thousand…and falling each hour."

When Rei, Usagi, and Minako didn't react, Shinji both accepted the statement as true and realized why they had been so doggedly after speaking to him. They were far further behind than he'd thought. "Do we have locations?" There had to be a way to save people. He could create long tubes of impenetrable rock, or bridges above the zombies with tree branches. "Can we find locations?"

"You could bargain with Ireul," Naoko offered, standing up slowly and approaching him to hold his elbow. "What you are calling 'zombies', I believe, are just mindless masses of biological material she's co-opted for slave labor and resources. She'll know, through them, where survivors are. You'd have to offer her something in return, but I'm certain that she'd agree to talk to you."

"I'd sooner murder everyone in this shrine," he growled in retort. "Peace with the Angels is neither possible, nor preferable. I'm going to kill every single one of those alien bastards, and if they stop me from rescuing whoever is left, I'm going to make them understand that death only exists for them if I want it to."

"And the entity we spoke to? The one beside the one you know as 'Khlorya'?" Yukiko was watching him carefully, her tone far gentler than it had been for her last few statements.

"If they're threatening lives, they die too." He met calm with calm, not wanting to drive a rift between him and her, but not willing to lie to comfort any sense of moral opposition she might have to the idea. "I don't care what I have to do, I don't care what it does to me, I am going to drag humanity, the youkai, and what's left of Elysium through this horseshit. I am going to drop them off on the far side, and then I am going to move to an island with Michiru and Haruka."

"And whoever else he wants to bring," Haruka added firmly. "So far, that looks like Hino-chan, Sarah-chan, and maybe you, shorty."

Yukiko smiled at the barb, not displeased at all with the determination Shinji was demonstrating. "A few decades away from everything, being doted on by him, does not strike me as a terrible time. It will, as all things must, depend on what happens between now and then, no?"

Shinji nodded in agreement. He wasn't planning when he explained what he saw in the future, he was dreaming. He wasn't going to live through this, but there was no reason to plan when death was his end. Whatever happened after he either lost, was killed, or died saving everyone, really didn't matter to him. They'd be safe, that was that.

"No," Usagi shook her head fiercely, "that won't end with us being safe." Everyone but Yukiko looked at her oddly for the seeming non sequitur. "If you die, Shin-Shin, that's it. This universe, the universe you come from, both will be erased completely." His eyes narrowed, trying to understand several things at once. "You can't die, not and have us live. Someone much stronger than any of us will erase everything to protect every other universe out there. That's what I've been trying to tell you, the reason we need to retreat for a time and try to find our footing. The reason you can't just go out without protection, why we can't just stand back and let you self-destruct! If you die, we die. The entire universe dies. Misato-san dies. Her entire universe dies."

The silence was just as loud as her declaration, broken only by the slight pop of Shinji's jaw as he clenched it tighter. Through those clenched teeth, he asked, "So where is this 'someone', then? It appears I'm going to have to add them to the list of people that are going to die."

"Yeah, that isn't happening either," Maria moved closer to Usagi, forcing Shinji to look at both of them, "because doing so would probably cause everything to come crashing down. He's not only stronger than you, he's stronger than everyone in this room combined. He's stronger than everyone in this reality combined. I doubt if you combined every reality out there that you'd even be able to defeat his Priestess, and she's easily the weakest person there."

"Don't care. He's threatening people that have done nothing wrong. He's threatening worlds we're never even going to see that orbit stars we'll never know existed. He dies." He looked to Yukiko. "Can we find the survivors? You and I?"

The small woman rocked her head side to side, hedging her bets. "Yes, but not in a timely enough fashion. Our speed of travel is limited, owing to your relative immobility."

Gesturing with one hand to a mostly barren spot in the room, Shinji tore open another hole between points of reality. The aperture took a few heartbeats to stabilize, before solidifying into a view of Maria's store several kilometers away. "With reasonably accurate coordinates, I'm fairly sure that we can move quickly. I'm going to need a volunteer human to travel with me the first few times, to make sure that this isn't going to kill anyone…but I think we can manage this."

Yukiko's mouth spread into a wolfish grin. "You clever little so-and-so. How long have you known about this?"

"A wormhole." Naoko did not seem surprised, but was easily as impressed as Yukiko seemed to be. "You can control gravity?"

Dismissing the portal, Shinji nodded. "If I get angry enough, yes. I…don't think anger is the key, but it helps me focus on what I'm trying to do."

"How are you stabilizing it?"

"…Because I listened to your daughter when she went off on a tangent during dinner." The comparison between the Ritsuko Akagi he'd first known and the Ritsuko Akagi he'd met here hurt him. The woman here had accepted him. He'd have given her a ring without question, and because he'd lost control…he'd lost her. "She was discussing a news report detailing a scientific paper that declared wormholes were impossible. She disagreed, began ranting about how it was only a matter of dedication to research into exotic matter that would have negative energy density to stabilize the entire structure. She started using a type of advanced theoretical math that I couldn't follow, until she saw that I was listening…and Misato wasn't. She then began speaking at my level, building up my understanding to her own so that I would agree with her."

"She always was one to seek out validation from powerful men." Naoko nodded, following along with his train of thought. "You are using Leliel, the Sea of Dirac that she creates, as an infinite negative energy source and the interaction between that energy source and the positive energy universe we reside within to hold it steady." Her offer was given with a level of excitement that seemed almost juvenile, "I'll gladly volunteer. I may not be human, but my physical structure is human enough to give us an idea of what will happen. I'll survive, and we won't need to threaten anyone else's life on the gamble."

That, in his opinion, would be determined later when he had a moment alone with her. Turning back to Yukiko, he repeated his question, "When I crushed a stool I'd created earlier today. It triggered a long string of memories that just now culminated in me realizing that I'm capable of more than I think I am. Can we find the survivors?"

"Yes. Perhaps after we assist the Mujina in expanding our territory so that we might properly house several thousand refugees?" Yukiko pointed out how cramped the room they were in was. "Space will be an issue, and a rescue from points around the world will only lead to disaster if tensions explode owing to spacing issues."

"…I don't like waiting while people are suffering…." Shinji looked down to the ground, his brain processing the proper actions to take, and what he might cause by taking them. "Minako-san, is it the right strategic decision?" His gaze shifted to the blonde powerhouse, his face impassive. "We'll lose people in the short term, but if we help the Mujina to hurry and spread our defenses around, we can limit casualties here in the long run."

With her jaw and head freed, the Sailor for Venus did not seem to be in the frame of mind to discuss the matter currently before everyone. "Oh, now I get to speak? Am I 'adult' now?" Glaring at Yukiko, she squared her shoulders for a fight. "Who the fuck are you to go around dictating who can and can't do something?"

The tiny woman sized up Minako the same way she would an interesting and well known entomological specimen: wholly undisturbed by its natural reactions to danger, its threatening posture, or its shrill cries. "I am a part of the universe, one of only two of my kind. I am one amongst six, each no more powerful than the other…all far more powerful than any but him." Her finger pointed unerringly at Shinji, her eyes still on Minako. "Here, in this room with the door properly closed, I am entirely unbound by my assigned Anima and Animus. What that means, for your edification, is that what Reality itself believes me to be no longer matters. The Words no longer hold me. I'm what I believe myself to be, and what I believe myself to be is rather impatient with how you have become so tethered to love and lust. You Witches are powerful…for demi-humans. You're motes of dust suspended in the dying dream of a sunbeam as far as I'm concerned. Don't make me wake the Dreamer any faster; answer his question." Maria's mouth opened, and she found herself stuck in place quickly. "We're going to have order for this discussion, Na'amah. No more interrupting the cute young man's train of thought."

If Shinji cared what Yukiko did, it wasn't evident from his face or posture. His tone of voice was conversational, his anger well-constrained as he asked Minako, "Are we going to have a problem cooperating?"

"…Yeah. We are." Minako stormed past him, moving to the door, "Fuck you, Shinji. Fuck you so, so very much." Shouldering Inari out of the way, she opened the door and exited before slamming it shut behind her.

His eyes had followed her the entire way, and when the door closed again, he looked back over to Haruka. "That's unfortunate. What's your opinion?"

The Sailor for Uranus rocked her hand side to side. "If we put all our energy into any one thing, we're telegraphing our intentions. Chances are good that we could do a few test runs in areas that have smaller numbers of people to save. Scale up operations after we have some experience in managing terrified humans that are more than likely armed. I can think of about a dozen problems off the top of my head, kid. You mind me taking point on this? Getting it off your plate?"

"I'm not a leader, Haru-chan. I'm asking for help because I'm just trying to do what I can think of myself." Shinji spread his hands helplessly. "But I'm not wanting to risk you going somewhere there might be these zombies. I can't be infected, neither can she," he gestured to Yukiko, "and as far as I know that's the end of that roster. Anyone else we send risks being infected."

"And everyone that goes will accept the risk." She agreed that he wasn't a leader. He was dictating terms, not empowering alliances, which was a rookie mistake. She knew his temperament and loved him anyway. "You keep the portals open on this end. I'll take a few people through, some of our heavy hitters, and bring back the civilians. I'm sure your fairy godmother over there won't mind coming with me to make sure we're thorough."

Yukiko giggled again, delighted at the way Haruka was unafraid of playing. "I won't mind in the least. Your plan is sound, and your assessment of him accurate. He can focus on protecting the Mujina while we limit further tragedies." She looked over to Usagi, coughing delicately. "Should I tell him for you? Would you prefer to do so on your own? With this matter settled, and the matter of retreat placed aside for the moment until we have better information on our anticipated population, this is your best chance to do so in a…safe environment."

"I agreed to keep nothing from you," Shinji agreed hesitantly as he turned his attention to Usagi, "and you've said that in return you won't keep things from me, I think." His eyebrows knotted, then he shook his head. "No. Not in front of everyone else. Please wait until we're done here to discuss anything…not related to combat operations. I like Yukiko's idea, waiting to talk about anything else regarding your plan until we know more. I wasn't aware that…that I had failed to protect so many people. I'm not going to act like I know everything on this."

"Then I think it would be better for Inari and Maria to find other places to be." She eyed the two women meaningfully. "The situation will be taken care of, and you will each be given a chance to speak with him in similar privacy later I presume. For now, ask yourself if it is worth risking his temper."

"…Yeah…yeah, I guess we really don't have anything else we can plan for until we do what we can to save what's left of humanity." His tone was detached from everything else around him, his mind clearly overwhelmed and his emotions running wild over what he'd done to protect his own heart. He looked over to Rei, who hadn't left Sarah's side while watching him the entire time. "Rei…could you carry Sarah to whoever is running the medical tents? I'd like her to be monitored until she's awake, and I think it would be creepy if I just left her in bed here in my room. Unless you can think of another plan, of course."

The shrine maiden nodded quietly. "I think you have the right idea. While I know that you wouldn't even contemplate doing anything inappropriate with her, I also know that you don't want to give anyone the idea that you're that type of man. I'll make sure she's safe, don't worry." Raising from her knees, she looked at him with no small amount of concern. "Would you like me to come back afterwards? Or, perhaps, would you like me to go talk to Minako? You meant what you said when you said it was unfortunate. You don't return the affections she was directing at you because you don't understand how, and because you're unsteady in your own mind. You snapped at her because you're stressed, not because you hate her. You'll apologize later, and I know it."

His hand clenched a few times. "Before…before we lost her, Makoto-san said that if…that if…." Without being able to complete the thought, he found himself in receipt of a hug from Rei. Even there, in the middle of a room that was free from the bulk of the magic of the world, he still felt that pleasure he received from her touch outside of the room. He wasn't certain, but…. "Thank you. I'm sorry."

"So am I." Lifting her head free of his chest before resting her chin on the same, she grinned up at him with unwavering confidence in herself. "Life keeps kicking us. All of us. She deserves the right to be angry with you, just as you deserve the right to be hurt by how she's confusing you. We'll get things set back to rights, promise."

"…Go talk to her. Make sure she's ok. Tell her…tell her I do actually want her in my life, I just don't know the specifics of it." He didn't need support as much as the others did. He needed rest, time, and a goal. Everything else was just a distraction. "Thank you…again."

Squeezing him once more, then patting his sides, she looked over to Haruka hopefully. "Mind helping me carry her? I don't want to toss her over my shoulder and risk hurting something."

Haruka made her way over to Shinji first, tousling his hair and kissing his forehead. "Sure. We're borrowing your bedsheet, kid. We'll use it as a makeshift stretcher." His nod caused her to grin at him, then she turned all of her attention towards helping Rei carry their stricken junior out of the room. "You two out as well. The midget isn't in the habit of asking twice," she nudged Inari and Maria to begin moving, "and if I have to come back here to eject you two it's going to be ballistically."

A few seconds later, Shinji rationalized his wants further. "Yukiko…please take Naoko and wait in the kitchen. Keep anyone else from interrupting, and don't let her wander. If she's not with me, I want her with you."

The tiny woman stood up from her seat of empty air and bowed grandly. "As your world has coined the phrase: 'Trust, but verify'." Shuffling in the direction of the door, she made a shooing motion with her hands at Naoko. "Out. Out with you! He has found the strength to use the words he needs to, and we'll not torment him over them."

Usagi used Shinji's silence as the door was opened to move closer to him without risking him telling her not to. She had grown strong enough to hear his thoughts again, despite his desire to keep them silent. Could feel his emotions, despite his stranglehold on them. What she knew…changed everything, but only if he accepted it as true. She remained apart from him, close enough to touch but not within his immediate personal space, and waited to see which direction her life was about to take.

The last woman out of the room was Yukiko, who looked back and saw Shinji give her one single nod. He knew what he was doing, as much as he could know what he was doing, and was not afraid to keep his word. He had to. That was what normal people did. The closing of the door opened his mouth, his body still turned away from the woman standing pensively nearby, "I have no idea what I'm doing. This…this is far worse than what we were facing back home. The last census I saw was around two billion. Here? If they're right, if you're right, we'll be lucky to see twenty thousand. Right now, in this moment, are my wants, my desires, my need to have someone hold me while I cry and howl and smash everything around me like a child more important than going out there and fighting? Would a normal person prioritize selfishness over service? Would he accept the love, the affection, the sensuality of…far too many willing women?" His eyes finally shifted to Usagi. "If they would…do I want to be normal?"

She could work with this. "You've never been normal…you'll never be normal. Normal people get to go about their day failing. At life, at relationships, at work…failing. You and I? This is the result of us failing. A normal person fails, and a customer's order gets messed up. They fail and they lose their job, or their spouse, or their pet, or even their life. It's a tragedy to them, perhaps to those few people close enough to them to feel pity for them, but the rest of the universe doesn't care. Us? When we fail, evil wins. When we're not perfect…evil wins. They can have all the bad days they want, but we only ever have to have one…to get this."

He couldn't disagree with any of what she'd said. When he was the pilot of Unit-01, failure meant the world ended. Now that he was here…nothing had changed. "I still don't know what I'm doing."

"Figuring that out." She smiled sadly, shrugging her shoulders. "If you think I have half a clue what I'm doing, you're worse off than I think you are."

"…Black suits you."

"Silver suits you."

"Could I take him?"

"I would never bet against you. Not with a gun to my head and the universe on the line."

He reached out with his left hand, cupping the side of her neck. "We'd die together, wouldn't we?"

"And I'd find you on the other side."

"…Why?"

Her right hand reached up, gripping his wrist as lightly as he was holding her neck. Her left placed itself over his heart. "You promised to harm the next woman who spoke of it."

Shame filled him. He had spoken literally, had felt the anger that would have driven him to enact his promise. He couldn't guarantee he wouldn't lose control if confronted on it again. "That was wrong of me."

"It's your way of begging someone to help you. To stop you from drowning."

His right hand twitched, the desire to pull her closer slamming against the desire to set his other hand on her neck and choke the life from her. "I…I don't know…." He swallowed hard, several times. "How do I know when I love someone?"

"I don't know." Her smile was both sad and full of irony. "I know how I know, but I've read a lot of poetry on the topic and I can assure you that I don't feel it how they feel it. Some people say that it's when you can't live without them. Some say it's when they consume your world whenever they're nearby. Some say it's when your heart races around them." She shrugged, her smile changing to a smirk. "I think they're confusing two very different compulsions."

"What…what if I love someone, but I don't know I love them?" His heart was indeed racing, his thoughts all focused on the woman before him. "What if I…what if I don't love them, but feel the other thing?"

"I'd say it depends." She took a step closer, placing herself where their bodies were just barely touching. "Is a warm hole all you want? Is it their warm hole?" Her voice took a bit of a flirtatious, sultry, lilt, "Or is it a need to share yourself with them, to ask them to share themselves with you?" The quiver of his spine, the way his head twitched as his neck strained to stop him from bending down to kiss her, sent chills racing along her flesh from toes to nose. "I know that when I think about you, when I see you, when I touch you, I really, really, need to share myself with you. I know that you are the only person that causes me to feel that way."

His right hand shook, his bicep vibrating with strain as he struggled against his own actions. His hand touched her back, just barely above where a growing majority of his mind wished it to grasp. "I…was serious…with Sarah, earlier."

"It was both the right thing to do," the fingers of her left hand trailed over to his arm, lightly traced along the musculature towards his wrist, then pushed down firmly so that he was holding her posterior, "and the honorable thing to do. She might honestly be ready, she might not be, but morally it wouldn't be right for you to take that step with her until you are confident that she knows for certain. She can wait because you want to wait."

"She's…pretty." Each word was forced out, his oath holding him firm despite the lack of any magic to enforce it.

"Yeah, I agree." Usagi nodded amicably, not upset that he'd thought so. "Kind of a tomboy-next-door aesthetic. She's going to break hearts and skulls when she's older." Another light push set them moving towards his bed, him backwards, her forwards.

"Doesn't…." The amazingly firm, delightfully supple, feel of her skin beneath her skirt while in motion as they slowly walked continued to drive any form of thought out of his head, save for the woman before him. "Aren't I…bad?"

"For finding someone attractive?" Her head tilted at a coy angle, her lips pursing thoughtfully as she considered her answer. "No. Not really. It's genuine attraction, not mindless lust. You aren't thinking anything perverse, or demeaning. You're admiring her for what she is, and that's the way it ought to be. You're right that you're older, and she's younger. But, and this is the important bit, you're only a year and a half older than her. She'll be sixteen in December, next month. You turned seventeen in June, five months ago. The difference isn't as massive as you think it is." The edge of the bed met the back of Shinji's knee, allowing her to topple him over.

He was now laying on his back, on a mattress that was more comfortable than any he'd ever lain upon before, including the one in Ritsuko's apartment, with a vision of unearthly beauty seated atop him just below his waist. At the moment, the only thing separating them were two thin layers of cloth and the thicker cloth of his sensible pants. The heat he felt at their point of contact rivaled the raging inferno he'd experienced after the death of the first Angel he'd fought. The touch of her hands as they dragged his along her legs, around her hips, and up her stomach was irresistible. He was helpless, a prisoner of emotions and sensations that he had no words for.

"I need comforting." Lacing her fingers in his as they reached her breasts, she squeezed their hands firmly to enjoy the delicious sensation of his hands against her person. "I need to feel desired, needed," his fingers began to roll on their own, freeing her hands up to begin the process of unbuttoning her top, "show me how much you want me."

"L-l-l-"

With her shirt off, and the first touch of a man's hands against her chest, Usagi felt more alive than she ever had before. A gasping moan of rapture erupted from her throat as her eyes fluttered closed, accompanied by a bucking motion of her hips that ground both key and lock against one another. "I love you." The shirt was tossed aside, her eyes once again opening and lancing him in place. "I love you more than words can say. More than emotions can express. More than desire can fulfill." Leaning into his grasp, forcing her breasts against his palms with near painful force, she worked to relieve herself of her skirt. "Whether you love me or not doesn't matter tonight. Tonight," tearing the uncooperative cloth off, she began to work on his shirt instead, "tonight just let me show you how much I genuinely love you. Let me show you how special you are to me." With his shirt open, she slid her nails down the curvature of his torso, over scars and bones, along muscles and skin. "You are an irreplaceable part of me. I'm not being hyperbolic, or youthfully naïve…there will never, and can never, be another you." She found the clasp of his pants, stopping to admit what she knew in the hope that he would accept her statement as truth. "In your world…you were Endymion reborn. In your world, some other young woman, with a different name and a different body, was Selene. In my world, Prince Endymion was a liar, a traitor, a thief, a scoundrel, a worthless pathetic stain of a man that never could have been the tiniest speck as wonderful as you are capable of being on your worst day." Confusion and bewilderment filled his eyes, giving her a chance to press harder. "Our worlds are the opposite of one another. In your world…I would have been a miserable bitch. I would have abused a beautiful heart; I would have ruined you. In my world, you would have been what he became. We, you and I…we're a chance to be what the other deserves. To do, and be, whatever the other needs us to do or be!" She was so close, and now it was all up to him. "Let me show you what I am willing to do, let me prove to you what I am willing to be. I can wait for love…because I know in my soul it's in there. I know you'll understand it, if I give you the time to see it. If you only ever love me as a friend, I'll be the best friend you'll ever know. If you love me as a woman, I'll be the best woman you'll ever know. If…if you love me as what I am, and never wish that to change…then I'll shine unblinking as a guiding star." She pushed his arms aside, laying down atop him and kissing him. Breaking for just long enough to breathe out her final plea, she put everything she had into it, "Please…just this once, just for tonight…let me show you my love."

Perfection itself lay atop him. There could never be a better woman, never a better lover, never a better complementation to his existence. Here, in a room bereft of sorcery, true magic was finally within his reach. "What…what if…." Screaming inside of his body was the need to escape, to flee, to ruin for all time this ephemerally fragile moment. "What if I never figure love out?"

He would always remember the smile she gave him, how certain it was. "You will."

"I've…never done this."

"I know. Neither have I. I'm kind of making it up as I go along."

"…You're doing a really good job of making it up."

"Poetry isn't the only thing I've read a lot of." Wrapping her arms around him, she rolled over onto her back keeping him atop her. "I can't get your pants off. I kind of figured that out when I went to try. I was in the way."

"R-right." Propping himself up on one hand, he used the other to undo the clasp, button, and zipper on his pants. Before he could even work them off his hips, Usagi had her toes hooked in the opening and shoved them forcefully down to his knees causing him to tumble sideways to avoid crushing her.

She used this to her advantage again, rolling over to lay half atop him, one hand seeking out the instrument that she felt desperately needed playing. Keeping it partially inside the boxer-briefs he preferred, she prayed that her manipulations weren't excessively uncoordinated. "And what's this?" Opening her eyes wide in faux-innocence, she gasped out, "Do you have a weapon in here, buster? I thought I was safe with you."

"Y-y- sssssss…."

Her heart was in her throat, and she begged the world around them to give her this moment. Her voice, on the other hand, played up the same innocence as her eyes, "I'm going to have to make sure this is properly secured. You could do an awful lot of damage to a poor, sweet, little girl like me with something this big."

+++++ Hikawa Shrine, Azabu-Juban, Japan. (Tuesday + 10)

"You know what she's in there doing." Maria was exercising caution around Yukiko, having recognized far too late what she represented. "You know that he's not strong enough to stop her."

"Do I?" Once more convivial, the smaller woman shrugged her shoulders and let her head bob side to side. "It's possible. But, it's not really my choice to make. If he wants help, he'll call for help. He asked me to keep everyone out, and so out everyone will be kept."

Naoko agreed with Yukiko, while calmly dissecting what Sarah had cooked in an effort to understand the physics behind the failure that would have been presented to Shinji to eat, "It's just sex. It's not even symbolically important. If anything, she's going to hopefully manage to get him to relax some." Leaning down closer to observe a section that she thought might actually be moving on its own, she asked as an aside, "Has anyone done bloodwork on him? I'd like to check his monoamine levels. Pharmaceutical intervention may improve socialization outcomes in the future."

"Not important? The fact that he's being influenced by a being that's partially fueled by and capable of inducing lust isn't important to you?" Maria turned to a woman she could assail with more volume without serious repercussions, hoping to make her point to the other woman by proxy. "Little Miss Perfect in there is now fused with the spiritual essence of this universe's placeholder corpse of my sister! She is, at least physically, a succubus."

Lifting her eyes off of her science project, she raised one eyebrow and nodded approvingly. "That's probably going to help her succeed. Good to know." As Maria's face grew darker, she rolled her eyes. "Look at me and tell me that your problem isn't simply jealousy that it's not you in there. Lie to me, Pinocchio, I want to see your nose grow."

"If I was in there, we would either be having a consensual encounter, or it wouldn't be happening. I had more than a few opportunities to simply use my birthright with him, but unlike some women I have better morals than that."

"If lust is a part of who she is, then any encounter with her becomes immediately suspect based on standard moral reasoning, yes. The logical problem here is that uncertainty does not mandate a negative response. Would he feel that she doesn't deserve a chance to engage in sex with him simply because a part of her constantly exudes desire? Or, as I expect is far more likely for someone with as…literal a worldview as he has, would he simply accept her for what and who she is and make a decision based on what he believed was best? Because, let's stay honest with each other now, he's metaphorically drowning in amazingly attractive women. In that room just now the least attractive person was me, and I'll have you know that I was rather sought after back home before I died. The only woman that wasn't, at least, physically attracted to him was the platinum blonde he gave the ring to. Even she loved him enough to kiss him, woman to man."

"She's trying to tie him to her through sex!"

"I do not believe that to be true." Yukiko reasserted herself into the discussion. "Her intent, were I to make an educated guess, is to demonstrate the depth of her feelings for him. She seeks to inform his opinion of her, yes, but not manipulate it." With her fingers laced, she rolled her palms outwards to stretch her hands. "They are, after all, two parts of a whole."

"There are other people involved here," Maria growled.

"She said 'parts'," Naoko returned to her dissection, "not 'halves'. She also didn't define what she meant by 'a whole'. For someone who's supposedly lived since the beginning of sentient life in the universe, you're amazingly bad at paying attention to subtext."

"I'm going to tear that clever little brain of yours out through your nose."

She paused for a moment, then looked back up at Maria in curiosity, "That might be interesting as an experiment. If you want, we could schedule a time to make it happen. Let's not, right now, though. Coitus Interruptus might incite a response that would complicate Master's life far more than it ought to."

The unruffled way she offered herself to torture gave Maria pause, but it was one particular word that took her aback. "…Master?"

"Are your ears decorative?" Sighing with disappointment, she returned to her science experiments. "I called him that when you were given the chore of bringing me here. He is my Master, for as long as he will have me. I will serve him in any way he needs me to, and many ways I want to. His father was a complete disappointment...I doubt he has the same failings." After Naoko heard the outer door slam behind Maria as the woman stormed off, she answered the question she presumed the only other woman in the room would ask, "It was willing, and more than a little self-serving."

"Extend your life eternally, gain access to an infinitely expanding matrix of knowledge and experimentation, witness events that no human would ever hope to see, and get to compare the sexual capabilities of son and father. I'm aware of your motivations." Yukiko floated idly, twisting along random axes. "If I thought you to be an existential threat, you wouldn't have survived to touch him."

"I don't think 'compare' is the right word to use," there was a hint of offense in her retort. "Is it so terribly wrong that after a lifetime of remaining unfulfilled as a woman that I would hope the only available male remaining would perform better than his perfunctorily attentive father? I have needs too."

"Mmm…a fair critique. You have my apology for the inference."

"Thank you. I do look forward to helping you pry him free, by the by. I can't get my satisfaction until you have your own."

"I will caution secrecy on that, this once only." The 'food' on the plate ionized, producing a discharge of its potential energy and only prevented from doing significant damage to the environment around it through the use of a magical barrier. "Immortality does not necessitate freedom from pain, after all."

+++++ Hikawa Shrine, Azabu-Juban, Japan. (Tuesday + 10)

Rei knew where Minako would be, not because she used her ability to sense the other members of her team but because it was the place most likely to give the blonde powerhouse somewhere to cry alone. Reaching the top of the apartment building, she spied the back of her friend and learned more about what she'd have to do by the way Minako sat hunched over and curled into a ball with her arms around her knees. This wasn't going to be fun, but she wasn't a woman to only use the boot in the ass with her friends. "Room for one more?"

"…Go away," she muttered, the crying she'd been doing evident in her hoarse voice.

Rei approached calmly, unhurriedly. This wasn't an assault, it wasn't even really an intervention. Despite what she believed Usagi was about to do, there was no reason to allow anyone to close any doors. Shinji didn't belong to anyone but himself, and it didn't matter who he'd spent time kissing in corners so long as he was willing to be faithful to someone once they declared their faithfulness to him. She couldn't see, in any fashion, an unfaithful Shinji Ikari. He couldn't lie with a script. "Shan't." Sitting down with her back against one of the walls Minako was seated in the corner of, she noted that her friend, her sister, had been crying hard. "I'm worried about someone I care about. Never have been good about just looking the other way."

Not one to be shy about getting to the point, Minako looked over at Rei and asked bluntly, "Do you love him?"

"Kind of." She wouldn't lie to her, and the unvarnished truth wasn't going to lead to an explosion. "I think he's a great guy with a really bad life. I think he's trying to be a good man without any examples to draw from. I think that whoever he ends up falling in love with will both be extremely lucky, and watched like a hawk by everyone else." Her mouth quirked off to the side. "I think he genuinely does not know what love is, or how to express it. He's not willfully ignorant, he's not waffling about deciding, he's not stringing people along. He sees the good in all of us, and wants so desperately to be what all of us need him to be, and that ends up being misconstrued by more than a few people as 'interest'…when instead it's just him being who he is."

"Yeah, yeah…." She looked away, sorrow climbing back into her face. "I get it. He's not interested."

"Didn't say that. Also don't mean it." Slipping one foot over, she nudged Minako on the flank until she turned back to look at her. "If he wasn't interested in you, he wouldn't have become angry. He doesn't understand how he feels, and he takes a long time to make decisions about anything that he feels is really important, but people kept poking at him. He shouldn't have yelled at you, before you start with me, but that wasn't something he did out of hatred. He was scared."

"…I'm scared too."

"He knows." An overwhelming sense of gratitude that Shinji was the way he was informed her reply of, "I assure you, he'll find a way to show you he's sorry. He'll also do it much sooner than you think he will. If you actually think you love him, and this isn't one of your normal flights of fancy, give him a chance to do so. Accept it, or don't, but let him at least present the apology to you first."

Minako sat in silence, bouncing what he'd said around in her mind for the millionth time. "He's right, though." A weak frown curbed some of the pain. "I really don't know anywhere near enough about him. Tenou-san knew every answer, and the best I could have managed was that he likes cooking. I love him because I love what I see him doing! How many men would have gotten back up after just one of the hits he's taken? How many men would bend over backwards to help like he has? How many men would have cooked meals for a bunch of women he just met? How many men would have rejected what Hera-san and Inari-sama are proposing?"

"Hup," Rei raised a hand to stop the stream of consciousness, "proposing?"

"Ugh," she made a disgusted face. "They want to pass him around to every youkai in camp. Use him to breed more of them. To give Hera more children. They say they'll be the ones who 'truly love him', but that everyone else gets a ride too."

"Yeah, that's not happening." She glared down towards where the other camps stood. "It may not be one of us that he loves, but I'm not about to support a plan where he's little more than a racehorse being passed from mare to mare. That's not what he wants, and that's obvious from knowing him for even five minutes."

Minako scooted closer, leaning in and lowering her voice to a whisper. "Can I…can I trust you to keep a secret for now?"

"So long as it doesn't involve you hurting yourself or hurting someone else. I'm not going to promise to be an accomplice to you doing some fool-headed nonsense."

"No, no. Nothing like that. It's a plan to…it's a way we can save Shinji from them. But it requires that we make some sacrifices too."

"…I'm listening."