All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the intellectual property to the respective author. The original characters and plot are the property of Stephenie Meyer (and the motion picture Savages). No copyright infringement is intended.
*All the mistakes are my own*
Chapter Thirty-Seven
The mind will hide a memory to preserve the soul. I wasn't mature enough to handle the wound from that night, but it was as jagged and protruding out of me as the shrapnel in Edward's skin.
For nearly a year, I've forgotten about how much it still hurts. I'd pushed that memory down in the caves of my gut and spent most of my energy and grievance on Charlie. It was a form of protection. But now, as we near the restaurant, where the possibility of facing Phil is more of a reality, I can't stop the flashes.
"You gotta let me know what we're walking into, Bean," Edward says, and I take a glance at his body language. His muscles are stiff, and he's strangling the steering wheel. The comment I made about his scar had sparked something in him. Edward understood me better than anyone, but that's what worried him.
I grip his hand and squeeze it with reassurance.
Jasper's silent in the backseat, and this worries me.
He's too contemplative.
"Phil…" Edward gives me a side-eye. "He's not...I mean, the guy wasn't…He didn't fucking touch you, did he?"
"No," I say quickly, but the reason for my panic gets locked up in my throat.
Phil wasn't the catalyst, but his involvement in it hurts the most.
As far as I can remember, Phil has been in my life.
He's been a stable father and a peacekeeper between my mom and me.
When Renee got crazy with my ballet recitals, the countless beauty pageants, and violin lessons, Phil was the buoy.
Through his easy-going demeanor and good humor, he kept me laughing through the madness. We would have lunch together every Wednesday and Friday to discuss the latest Renee drama. There were always milkshakes involved, and by the end of our meal, I felt better, more excited to practice my pirouette and be the perfect daughter.
But Phil began to travel more for games.
He wasn't around as often, and without him as the Renee buffer, the stress she put on me became too much, and I cracked.
Around thirteen was when I started to shoplift and ditch school.
It escalated, and eventually, my mom got weekly calls from my principal and the local police.
When Phil would come back into town and stay longer than a week, we would get into a routine.
And things got better.
Renee and I stopped fighting. I was going to school and getting better grades. My shoplifting happened less often.
But nothing lasts forever, and everything came to a head six months before moving to Laguna.
"Then what?" Edward lets out his frustration. "Why the panic attack? Why…?" He gestures at his jagged scar.
"Let's just say, my relationship with you and Jasper isn't going to go over well," I say, but again, the truth dies, and I'm a coward.
If I told them what happened that night, would they get pissed? Would they see me as damaged? Or think I've lied to them?
"Why invite us all to dinner then?" Jasper finally makes his presence known.
Renee wants drama. "She probably didn't tell him," I say.
"So, we're fucking ambushing him?" Edward groans. "I don't like this."
When we arrive at the restaurant, Renee's standing outside waiting for us, and she's dressed up in her most fancy, casual: black slacks, a black silk blouse, and the shoes I still get the urge to steal, her diamond-encrusted Jimmy Choo heels.
"Hey," I say, but I'm on edge, and my eyes do a quick scan.
"Phil's inside getting us a table," Renee says.
"Okay," I say, and my anxiety wouldn't be so high if my mom weren't fidgeting and toying with the zipper on her Fendi bag. "He knows about Edward and Jasper, right?"
"He knows you're bringing a couple of friends," she says and looks away quickly.
"That's pretty vague, mom," I say, but shit is on its way up to the fan.
"What was I supposed to tell him, Isabella? That not only are you dating a guy who's several years older than you, but two?"
"Yes, that's exactly what you should have told him!"
"And how well do you think he would've handled that? After… you know," she says, and then fucking whispers, so my boys don't hear, but she hits me where it counts. "Especially after that Mike fiasco."
"Oh, my God, mother, fiasco? Really?" I've lost my cool, and my voice raises. "And ambushing him seemed better to you!"
Renee glances around like it's obvious. "We're in a public space."
Edward cracks his knuckles and decides right there. "I'm not going in."
"Yeah, me either," Jasper says.
Renee's shocked by their resolve and looks at me for mine. "And what about you?"
She wants to prove that my boyfriends control me, but her actions only prove how little she's been paying attention. The support my boys give me goes both ways, and right now, I would never push them into an uncomfortable situation.
As for me?
It would be easier to turn around and never see this place again, but when do I get to heal and move forward with my life?
"I'm staying," I say and turn to Edward and Jasper. "You guys want to head back to the hotel."
They agree, briefly kissing me on the lips and turning to leave.
Unfortunately, Edward and Jasper don't get far when someone behind me clears his throat.
I slowly turn and force a smile. "Philly cheese steak."
Fuck! Please, God. Tell me he hadn't been there the whole time.
"Hey-ya, Belly. It's good to see you, kid," he says, his voice sounds jovial, but the way he's eyeing my boys says something differently. "So, what's going on? Are these your friends?"
"Um, yeah...they were actually just about to…."
Phil cuts his suspicious gaze to me and interrupts my ramble. "Were you planning on introducing me?"
"Yes, of course," I say with a slight quiver in my voice. "Phil, I would like you to meet my boyfriends, Edward and Jasper."
Renee notices that he isn't reacting the way she wants him to and decides to clarify the relationship further. "'Boyfriends' is plural."
"Yeah, I got that," Phil replies and juts out his hand, holding it there and waiting for either boy to shake it.
Edward decides to throw himself on the grenade and grips it first. "I'm Edward. Nice to meet you, sir."
Phil nods. "Likewise." He turns his hand to my other boy.
"I'm Jasper," he says and shakes hands with Phil, and the awkward silence begins. It lasts longer than four heartbeats before Jasper aims to correct it. "We were heading back to the hotel to give you and Bella time to catch up."
"Why? I told the hostess a table for five," Phil says.
"Yeah, we know, but you know, considering the circumstances," Jasper says, and he's lowkey implying that my mother is a horrible person.
"Renee's curve-ball?" Phil raises an eyebrow.
I nod.
Edward and Jasper shrug.
Phil smiles. "Seven years strong, fellas. I'm a pro at the game."
My boys laugh as their tension dissolves.
Renee huffs and swats his arm. "Nice."
The hostess comes out. "Dwyer. Party of five."
"That's us," Phil answers and gives her a wave. "You guys go ahead, me and Bella will be there in a sec."
Jasper and Edward hesitate, not wanting to leave me alone, but I nod and assure them that it's okay.
"Come on, boys." Renee hooks her arms in theirs and leads them inside.
Placing a hand between my shoulder blades, Phil gently steers me away from the front door and over to the side. No one is around us, and he feels more comfortable talking openly.
"I know you don't approve," I say.
"Of course I don't approve." Phil appears exasperated by me. The notion of a poly-relationship isn't anything he understands and focuses on the least consequential. "How old are they?"
"Twenty-three."
Phil pinches the bridge of his nose. "Jesus, Belly. I sent you to your fathers to avoid trouble. First, Mike, now this?"
That name triggers the flashes.
I'm angered by his tone, the insinuations, and come back raging. "Yeah, and I'm not some sixteen year old girl that some thirty-something baseball player forces himself on."
Phil tenses, and his eyes meet mine. "He promised me nothing happened."
I laugh. "And you believed him?"
It could have been a hell of a lot worse if Phil didn't come busting in my room like the Kool-Aid Man, but what did happen was more than just kissing.
He leads me further away from people, and his voice becomes terser. "Tell me how I am supposed to respond to this?"
I shrug. "I don't know."
Phil's abandonment overshadowed the fear I felt that night, and when he blamed me for the near-rape and sent me away, I collapsed unto myself. The pain was too much and that Bella he knew died.
I trusted him to protect me, and he failed.
Phil sees the resolve in my eyes. "You refused to tell me."
"Did I?" I take a step back. "Or did you refuse to listen?"
Mike was the talented and young shortstop on Phil's team, and firing him wasn't an option.
"He was in your room, Bella. You invited him."
My eyes close, and the memory is fresh again.
I met Mike at a Spring training pool party. He was the hottest guy there, and I felt special when he talked to me and blew off Rose. No guy ever does that. I got wrapped up in the attention and invited him over the following weekend. Phil and my mom went out for the evening, so we were alone in the house. Mike kissed me. I kissed back. When we went up to my room, Mike became more aggressive and put his hand up my shirt. The more I told him to slow down, the more he sped things up.
I said 'no' so much it lost all meaning to my ears.
When Phil came home and heard my cries, Mike had his whole weight pressing me down and his fingers inside me.
"And so raping me is justified?" I manage to whisper through my gritted teeth.
"Raping you?" Phil's eyes go wide. "You told me he kissed you and that was it."
I suck in a breath and hold back my tears. "There was more."
"But…" Phil's trying to recall and rationalize what he saw. "Neither of you were undressed."
My eyes meet his with a glare. "Shorts weren't really a deterrent for him."
Phil remembers now. I see the blur of the night come into focus with him. He saw my shirt ripped off my shoulder and my shorts pulled to the side. What he refused to see then is all he'll ever see now.
"Belly," he says, and his voice cracks. "I'll kill him."
My eyes roll because it means nothing.
Mike was traded four months ago.
"I needed you then." I can't look at him, so I stare at his shoes. He wears the Boomer 'New Balance' sneakers. The guy is not even forty, but it's funny and typical Phil. It hits me hard. I've missed the man he was to me before that night.
"I'm sorry," he says.
I hear the sincerity in his voice. It would be easy to forgive him, but his attention shifts too fast for me to keep up. Suddenly my boys are the topic of discussion. "You must understand why I don't like what I'm seeing right now."
"They're not Mike," I say, but vomit rises by the mere mention of his name.
"Explain the difference," Phil says, and that tenor is reminiscent of the night he broke me. "Because from my perspective, I don't see any."
The age difference was a big issue with people, and they could not look beyond the six-year gap. Jump ten years ahead, and these same people wouldn't bat an eye.
"First of all, it's fucking consensual, and second of all, I'll be eighteen in three months," I say.
Phil narrows his eyes. "Chronologically, yes, but emotionally? No, I don't think you're ready to take on such an adult relationship, and these two guys are taking advantage of your big heart." He groans in frustration. "I can't believe Charlie's okay with this." Now he's talking to himself. "After everything we discussed. He promised me that he would do right by you."
The memory of how Phil treated me as Charlie's stowaway is vivid now. It wasn't too long after he chased Mike out of the house. I listened as Phil called my absentee father and ranted about how I was too rebellious, too much to handle, and a strain on his marriage. Everything was my fault.
Even my rape.
"You gotta step up and be her father," he said. "She's not my kid. I shouldn't be having to clean up all your messes."
The pain of feeling unwanted was the only thing I ever knew.
That was until my boys came into my life.
I realized the panic on the ride over wasn't because I was afraid Phil would disapprove of Edward and Jasper. No, I was scared that I might never forgive him for blaming me for Mike and abandoning me.
Phil was my only ally, but he blew that trust.
"Charlie does approve," I say, and my back straightens. "And you, Phil, lost the privilege to make an impact on my life. You threw it away when you made your call."
"Belly, I did that because I care about you," he defends.
"Maybe, but what I needed was you, not to be shipped off to a father I barely knew. You ripped me from my friends, my life, and forced me to start over."
"Hey, that's not fair. You were going nowhere here. I wasn't around enough. Your mother was at her wit's end. What was I supposed to do?"
"I don't know, but you caused the break and then washed your hands of me. What makes you think you have the right to have an opinion on how I chose to fix myself?"
"Because I care about you."
"You do? Really?" I narrow my eyes. "Where were my calls, Phil? Didn't you want to know how I was doing? Or were you too ashamed? You're all buddy-buddy with Mike, but with your daughter? We haven't spoken in ten months."
"Charlie needed his time to reconnect with you and be a father without me getting in the way."
"Because you're not my father, right? Isn't that what you said? I'm not your kid."
"Belly," Phil says, reaching out for me as my feet shift back, creating more distance, but I shrug him off.
"You tossed me aside and gave up. So, don't try coming in at the eleventh hour, looking all disappointed and acting like you have a say in my life. You absolved yourself of that responsibility."
Phil's mouth goes slightly agape, but he rebounds and swallows his pride. "I'm not perfect. I messed up that night and every day after." He grabs for my hand again, but this time, I let him grasp it. "You needed a father."
Yeah, I did, I think to myself.
But it was supposed to be you.
"I never meant-"
But the emotion is getting too heavy, and I don't wait for him to finish that sentence. "Are we done?"
Phil's expression is hurt, and it kills me, but his pain is only a mere fraction of mine."Yeah, we're done." He swoops his hand towards the entrance. "After you."
As I lead the way, I feel drained. It was a tough conversation and one we'll need to have for years to come. The one clear thing was this: it didn't matter if Phil approved.
He could hate the situation with every fiber of his being, but I'll never let him forget that his actions led me to Edward and Jasper.
And for that, I'll forever be in his debt.
()()()
Dinner went better than expected.
Phil did a complete one-eighty and wasn't an asshole to Edward and Jasper. He treated them with respect, and honestly, tried to get to know them. Renee fumed at the idea that she was the least cool parent. She was banking on her husband to go-all nuclear, but when that fell through, wine soothed her disappointment. My epiphany held firm, and I was confident about my place in life.
I talked about our Cambodia trip, and Renee didn't flip out. She encouraged me to go.
"Imagine how it'll look on your resume. My daughter: the philanthropist."
I held back a sigh.
Of course, she completely missed the point.
Phil showed interest in my paintings and, after seeing them on my phone, contacted his friends and set me up with a few buyers. I'm on the fence on whether or not I want to sell my art. Most of what I painted was personal and meant for my boys' eyes only. Giving it up to public consumption felt wrong.
Nevertheless, I'll think about it.
By the end of the evening, Phil was in a different mood. There was zero contempt in his eyes for Edward and Jasper. He even offered them season tickets to all the LA Dodgers games.
He's good friends with a player on that team.
When it came to saying goodbye to me, Phil took me off to the side and held out his arms to me.
I'm hesitant to put my trust in him again, but Jasper's kindness and love taught me that holding grudges only causes more heart ache.
I nod and walk back into his embrace.
He holds me tight for a long time.
"Proud of you, Belly." Phil pulls back and gives a weak smile. "I don't understand how any of this works, and I pray you don't get hurt, but you to know what's best for your life."
"Thanks," I say and bite my lip. The last thing I want to do is fuck up my bad-ass chick persona by crying like a baby.
"And I know we're still not quite square yet with the whole Mike…." He stops and takes a deep breath. "I can't take back how much I failed you, but I hope one day, I can prove that you can trust me to never fail you again."
"I know." I nod and give him an honest smile. "You're a good guy."
He scoffs. "I'll grow into one."
As I turn to walk back to my boys, Phil grabs my arm and stops me.
"But understand this," he says, tone as serious as a heart attack, "if either of those boys hurt you."
"They won't," I say quickly and confidently.
"If they do, I will hunt them down and kill them.." His eyes quickly flash to Edward to size him up. He smirks. "Even the trained SEAL."
I laugh with him for the first time in nearly a year. "You wouldn't be the first to try."
Phil gives me a startled look. "Serious?"
"Nooo." I laugh even harder this time. "I was joking."
He mimics wiping off sweat from his brow. "Whew. Good to know." But as Phil throws his arm over my shoulders and leads me back to my boys, he whispers. "But you think I can take him, right?"
()()()
The worst thing about being so close to somebody is that it's impossible to hide things from them.
Now multiply that by two.
Jasper and Edward wasted no time to zero in on my inner thoughts and attempted to extricate them. They knew my anxiety regarding Phil was more profound than I was letting on, and as their minds wandered on the cause, they came up with scenarios that were close to the truth but worse. They assumed it was Phil who wronged me as Mike had done, but they couldn't go on just a feeling and didn't want to be wrong.
The last thing they wanted was to hurt me in their efforts to protect me.
Not many people have that sort of forethought and restraint.
Well, Jasper did, but Edward was anxious and chomping at the bit.
We got less than two miles from the restaurant when he decided to pounce.
"You've been uneasy this whole night, Bean. You gonna tell us what's going on?"
Jasper sighs from the backseat. "Leave it alone tonight, man."
"You're telling me you can't feel that shit?" Edward glares at the rear-view mirror.
"Of course I feel it." Jasper sneaks in between my seat and the passenger door to grab my hand. He squeezes it. "But this week has been hard on Bean. She needs a night off."
Edward nods, and I think he'll drop it, but not my stubborn boy. "I can't let it eat at me. If she doesn't tell us, I'll start thinking the worst and end up doing something we'll all regret."
"Jesus, man," Jasper groans and rests his forehead against the seat. "Why is it always do or die with you?"
Edward ignores him and turns his intense gaze on me. "Why did you really come to Laguna?"
Jasper doesn't say anything.
"Listen, if I tell you," my eyes look pointedly at Edward, "you can't go crazy on me."
The vengeful and selfish part of me wants Mike to pay, but I refuse to have Edward taken away from me because he did something foolish.
He swears under his breath. "I'm not going to like what I'm about to hear, am I?"
"No," I say quietly.
Jasper squeezes my hand again. "You don't have to tell us."
"Shut the fuck up, man!" Edward turns on the wheel sharply and pulls off the road. He puts the SUV in park and unbuckles his seat belt. My heart beats hard against my chest as Edward gets out. I have no idea what's going on. He's in front of the hood and walking over to my side door. He jerks it open and pulls me out, away from Jasper's persuasive touch. The intensity and fury in Edward's eyes say it all. I should've taken this to the grave. "You have to tell me, Bean. I can't... No, I need to know, right now."
Jasper jumps out and is trying to put himself in between Edward and me. "Yo, chill the fuck out."
Edward's eyes are pleading. "Tell me."
I swallow thickly and nod. "The night Phil called Charlie, I was raped…."
Jasper's shaking his head. "No, no."
"By who?" Edward growls out. "Not Phil?"
"No. His teammate," I say.
Edward grips my arms tightly and forces his forehead to mine. "His name?"
God, his voice sounds so tortured.
Jasper has his head in his hands.
"Mike…" I know naming him is a mistake, but I'm incapable of lying to my boys, "Newton."
Jasper gasps in surprise. "The fucking MVP?"
I snort at the thought. Why does that matter?
It's Edward who puts the pieces together.
"So that motherfucker sends you away instead of killing the bastard?"
I expect Jasper to play devil's advocate and defend Phil, but he shocks me.
"Wait, what? That's why you went to live with Charlie?"
Edward's muscles tense, and his expression gets more frightening.
"Yes," I say and look toward Jasper. "Phil caught Mike in my room and decided he couldn't handle me anymore."
Jasper's eyes soften as he touches my cheek with the back of his hand. "I'm sorry, Bean. You didn't deserve that."
Edward releases me and takes a step back.
I reflexively reach out for him, and my fingers skim his shirt. "Don't…"
But he's already in action mode.
"Take our girl home," Edward says and tosses Jasper the keys.
"Where are you going?" he asks.
Edward doesn't say a word and gives me one last look.
It spells trouble.
"No!" I nearly screech in protest. "Baby, don't!"
Jasper's trying to get a hold of his arm, but Edward's out of grasp and going full-sprint down the street. "Fuck!" He ushers me to the door. "Get in. Get in."
"What is he going to do?" I ask, grabbing for my seat belt.
Jasper joins me in the SUV a second later. "Check the glove box."
There's a sickening feeling in my gut, and it drops as I utter these words: "It's empty."
"Fuck!" Jasper bangs on the steering wheel. His eyes express the same fear that's in my heart. "Newton lives somewhere here in Scottsdale."
He lives here? I thought Phil's team traded him.
"How do you know?"
Jasper doesn't look at me as he pulls back on the road and speeds off in the direction Edward ran off. "Because he's our favorite player on the Dodgers."
AN: The reason this chapter took so long is because I got writer's block. However,on Friday night, what Bean wanted to say came to me and here we are. I did NOT want to go this route and I fought it for months. Sadly, the story writes itself and I am merely here to put it to the page. I have no idea what's going to happen next.
And to that reader gilette719 who reviewed: "Your not coming back are you?"
Girl, I am like Herpes: i might be absent for long periods of time and flair up when you least expect it, but I will always come back.