Chapter 36 – My Mind Feels Like a Foreign Land

Once upon a time, she never would have dreamed of asking such a horrendous task of Sasuke. It didn't even touch the realm of being unfair – it was downright unforgivable of her. Perhaps that was why he was seemingly avoiding her?

As much as he tried to hide it, Sasuke was one of the most emotional men she knew and was constantly driven by his emotions, sometimes even consumed by them. They were what pushed him so hard. And even while knowing that and how deeply it would affect him, Sakura made her request for the simple fact that Sasuke was the only one she knew who wouldn't hesitate.

At least, she hoped he wouldn't.

"What are you thinking so hard about?" asked Shisui lightly, coming to sit beside her at the window seat. Why she'd even bothered when they weren't allowed to open the curtains, Sakura wasn't sure. Habit, maybe, since her parents' home had one?

"Nothing interesting," she lied with a smile.

What would Shisui think of her request? He certainly wouldn't agree, Sakura knew that much. But how would he react to it? There'd be anger and betrayal, definitely and considering how devoted he was to her, she knew his heart would be broken too.

But…

When her emotions threatened to get the best of her, Sakura dropped her gaze to a book Gaara had gifted her with. At first, she'd felt amused before being a little offended by it, thinking back to Sai and his constantly reading books such as those (thinking of herself as being in the clueless man's position was devastating, especially if others thought that too), but after giving it a try and reading the first few chapters, she had to say: her eyes were opened. Kind of. Maybe?

Meditation was a powerful tool, though only when the person did it correctly and up until reading the book, Sakura had genuinely believed she'd been doing it properly, merely felt no benefits from it. To her, because she was the type of person who was always busy or on the go, meditating was a difficult task for the simple reason that she couldn't shut off. There was always something that needed her attention. Simultaneously, it wasn't purely about emptying one's mind or stopping thinking – another reason why she'd always messed up.

When Gaara tried handing her the book, Sakura had all but laughed in his face and demanded to know how she, of all people, was supposed to sit down and meditate, seeing as she often broke down after wandering into her thoughts, or worse, had some kind of rampage. His answer was simple: think of it as training. He also said with a tinge of amusement and sarcasm that if he, of all people, could master the art of meditation with a literal demon within him who screeched bloody murder and was constantly demanding blood, then she could too.

"Believe in yourself," was what Gaara had murmured, pressing the book into her hands and holding it there until she accepted it. "Don't rely on the sharingan alone to reverse what has been done, because it will only undo Danzo's manipulation. You need to work on your trauma to move on from it."

Damn it, she hated that he was right.

Carelessly tossing the book into the small space between hers and Shisui's thighs, Sakura turned in her seat and brought her knees to her chest, settling him with a thoughtful expression, one that had him raising a single, questioning eyebrow in return.

"What is it?"

What, indeed.

"Itachi said you wanted me to go with everyone," she notified him simply.

Humming affirmatively, he asked, "What about it?"

"Why?"

One thing Itachi always came back to when telling her stories about the legendary Uchiha Shisui (before his return, of course), was that his strategic way of thinking was on a crazy level. His ability to think fast in difficult situations, to separate his emotions from the task at hand and countless other fascinating facts, was what made Itachi respect him so greatly. Compassionate, loyal, level-headed – Shisui was someone he'd always strived to be.

As much as it hurt hearing Itachi listing off all the reasons why she shouldn't go with them, he was so right about all of it. So why didn't Shisui agree? Why wasn't he matching up to the person Itachi made him out to be? Why was he allowing his emotions to cloud his judgement?

"I don't want to leave you behind," Shisui told her easily without holding back. Copying her in turning sideways in his seat to face her fully, he rested one leg on the cushions and reclined against the wall, eyes searching her features for several moments. "You have just as much right as the rest of us to be out there and training for the day we take back our home."

Sakura knew already that it wasn't that Itachi didn't want her there. He did. Deeply. And she knew that the decision was tearing him up on the inside because that was just who he was. But that didn't stop the slither of hurt whenever she thought back to the resolve in his eyes as he told her she was staying behind. It didn't stop the anxiety that clawed at her insides. What if he changed his mind again if she messed up somehow?

"How could you ever feel satisfied or move on from all that has happened if we're refusing you at every turn?" he continued. "To simply sit back while the rest of us fight for Konoha…" Shisui's lips quirked with a smirk, but it was his next sentence that struck her the hardest as he murmured, "That isn't the Sakura I have come to know and love."

Her heart seized within her chest, much like her mind as it slowed before it began spinning nauseatingly. Suddenly, despite it not being the first time he'd stated he loved her, maintaining eye contact was hard, and Sakura damned herself for averting her gaze to the space between them, knowing that it undoubtedly looked like a dismissal of his feelings and more than likely hurt him.

"Tread carefully," Inner-Sakura stunned her by speaking up. "It's getting cold in here, like when he is present."

But the warning was pointless, the manipulation running way too deep to be ignored so easily.

"If anyone deserves to be there the day that we reclaim that village, that office, then it's you, Sakura."

That office.

Her office.

Tsunade was…

She was going to throw up. She could feel the bile crawling its way up her throat, thick and hot and so much like her blood–

Breathe through it, Sakura demanded of herself, squeezing her eyes shut and blocking Shisui out. She couldn't worry about hurting his feelings – she needed to get a damn hold of herself so that Itachi wouldn't regret agreeing to her joining them and change his mind. They all had to know that she was serious about getting better, that she was trying her hardest, that she was no longer going to be such a fucking liability and disappointment.

"What use are you now, Haruno?"

"Oi," snarled her inner.

Nope.

It couldn't be stopped.

Hands clamping over her mouth, Sakura shot off the window, stumbling in her run towards the nearest bathroom, her struggle to remain composed only increasing when vomit coated her fingers as she failed to hold it back, because in her mind, it wasn't vomit.

Blood.

It was her blood.

The moment she fell before the toilet, she stained its formerly white porcelain red with her fingers as they clawed at it, trying to anchor herself as she heaved and twitched and cried into the bowl. Gods, it was everywhere. Wherever she happened to look upon opening her eyes, blood was smeared there. She could feel it on her. Could smell it, taste it–

"I'm here."

It was the only warning she got before he touched her, but Sakura could do nothing except flinch in response to the contact, for if she let go of the toilet, she was going to fall apart completely.

"It's going to pass," Shisui told her quietly. Fortunately, just as he reached to brush the hair away from her face, he saw her recoil and decided against it, instead keeping his hands in full view, keeping them where she could see them and with Inner-Sakura's reassurances, that made it the slightest bit easier. "That book was about meditating, right? Try the breathing techniques when you can."

No. She couldn't. The moment she focused on anything else, he was going to pin her down and force feed her Tsunade's blood until she felt as though she was going to burst, until all she could taste was the godawful combination of blood and vomit.

Tsunade was…

Her shishou…

"Let it out, Sakura," Shisui told her comfortingly, apparently forgoing the breathing techniques at her obvious setback. "You don't have to bottle it all up."

Sakura wailed into the toilet at the next heave.

Tsunade really was dead.

Eyes rolling during her attempts of trying to fully open them and keeping her disorientated, Sakura tried to move only to find that her body weighed at least five times its usual weight, effectively pinning her to what she presumed was her bed.

What the hell had happened to her?

"Don't push it," came a firm voice in her mind, one she knew belonged to Inner-Sakura. "I've temporarily shut it away for now. It's too big of a trigger for you to handle."

That was all Sakura needed to hear to stop scratching at the door her inner had locked, focusing instead on the difficult task of waking herself up.

Definitely back in her own room, Sakura concluded at the lingering scent of the shampoo Shisui procured on the pillowcases. Allowing her hair to airdry wasn't always ideal, but apparently it was good for something as she used the smell to ground herself, reminding herself that she was in Suna and for the meantime, safe.

It took what felt like an eternity for her to awkwardly shuffle herself into a reclined position against the headboard, swallowing hard before grimacing at the bitter taste in her mouth.

"You're awake."

Finally able to open her eyes, Sakura squinted at the blurry figure who approached her. There was no cautiousness in his actions as he sat on the edge of the bed, much to her gratefulness. It was bad enough she'd had such a huge relapse and that he'd been witness to it, when usually, Sakura worked so damn hard to keep it all hidden from the others – if he started acting differently towards her or reverted back to being so unsure of her, she wasn't sure how she would even begin to cope.

"It's been about fifteen minutes," Shisui told her softly and reached out, picking up a damp cloth Sakura hadn't realised was there. Feeling her wetness of her forehead, it quickly became apparent he'd placed it there and that it probably fell off during her struggles to get up. "I brought you here to try and keep it quiet."

She sighed deeply through her nose and nodded her thanks, not wanting to talk or even breathe when Shisui was so close to the firing range that was her mouth.

"Poor guy wouldn't stand a chance," snickered Inner-Sakura.

Considering how badly she'd stunk before somewhat getting her shit together, Sakura highly doubted it would be the worst thing he smelled (coming from her, anyway). But still, to save herself the embarrassment now that she was coherent enough to understand those kinds of things, she would rather he didn't know how bad her breath was.

Feeling his gaze, she looked to Shisui with a frown. A great part of her was so incredibly thankful that he was the one who happened to be present for her breakdown, though she couldn't help but feel ashamed of relapsing in such an epic way.

She was supposed to be better now.

Sakura's fists clenched tightly.

Why wasn't it getting any better? Why was she so stagnant in her healing process? What if Gaara was right and the sharingan didn't do shit for her in terms of her trauma? What then? What was she supposed to do then?

"Breathe," Shisui murmured and came to recline beside her, following her example of staring at the other end of the bedroom. "You were caught off guard, that's all."

But there was always going to be an opportunity to be caught off guard, especially given their lifestyle. People couldn't tiptoe their way around her for the rest of her life, otherwise they would all go insane or worse, grow tired of her.

She couldn't be alone.

They couldn't leave her.

Sakura grimaced and brought a hand to her head, attempting to shut the darker thoughts out as they tried to take control. While she hadn't seen Tsunade in a while, those manipulations were still very much present, always making her feel so disgustingly desperate to remain by the sides of the Uchiha men (that fact was proven by how terrified she'd been at Itachi's decision, unforgivably lashing out at the man who'd always been by her side). Sakura did all she could to resist the powerful urges, but clearly wasn't always successful.

How was she supposed to keep going the way she was? Never knowing if something was going to trigger a rampage or… whatever the hell that had been earlier? Gods, what even–

"Stop scratching at it, idiot," Inner-Sakura muttered darkly. "Or do you want to revert back to that?"

No. A thousand times no.

Deciding she had enough of her strength back and needed to do something about her godawful breath, Sakura shakily climbed out of her bed and made it halfway to the bathroom before looking over her shoulder at Shisui, catching him just as he was about to stand.

"Stay," she requested quietly now that there was a safe enough distance between them. "Please."

She couldn't be alone.

"How many times do I have to repeat myself?" he asked lightly with a smirk, even stretching out comfortably on her bed to make his point. "I'm not going anywhere without you."

Within just ten minutes, Sakura was showered and had brushed her teeth thrice (just to be on the safe side), grimacing when she'd found that the ends of some of her hair was covered in vomit before giving it an extra wash. Like hell was she about to let it go back to its matted, stinking state again.

Shisui politely turned away when she returned to grab clean clothing, and a small part of her smiled. When alone like they currently were, it was ridiculously easy forgetting that they weren't in their little bubble anymore, that he could see a fair amount now and that the dynamics had changed considerably. Previously, they'd been medic and patient. Now, they were…

They were in love.

But annoyingly, it seemed she was in love with just about everyone, so did it really mean anything significant at that point? How could Shisui even promise to always be with her when she couldn't promise the same? When she couldn't even offer her whole heart to him, instead a meagre chunk of it, if that?

They all deserved so much better than her, but even if it weren't for Danzo's manipulations, she was much too selfish to let them go.

"Thank you," Sakura murmured once she was dressed in clothes that didn't reek of vomit and sweat. "For being there and not telling anyone."

"My cleaning was pretty half-hearted in my rush to return to you," Shisui admitted with a sheepish smile. "So don't get your hopes up, unless we can pin this on Yamanaka-san."

She snickered at just the thought of how affronted Ino would be if somebody happened to confront her about the state of the bathroom. "They probably won't even ask her about it just because she's pregnant."

"Even better, then."

Settling down on the other side of her bed, Sakura looked to Shisui, heart warming at how he seemingly relaxed at her joining him. Could he feel that same anxiousness deep in his heart? The one that begged of them to hold onto every moment for it could be their last? The one that caused vicious aches and pains whenever there was even a modicum of distance between them?

Every night she slept through brutal nightmares – not always of her torture. Sometimes she dreamed of a blood soaked Konoha, of staring down Danzo and at his feet, lay the lifeless bodies of her loved ones. Piles of them bleeding out. Their clouded gazes piercing her, accusing her, sapping her of any fight she may have possessed. And those nightmares always ended in Sakura falling to her knees before Danzo, eyes shutting in acceptance as she awaited the finishing blow because what point was there in continuing living if it was without her precious people?

"Stay with me, Sakura," Shisui ordered softly.

Nodding and attempting to shut out the immobilising visions, she looked to the man in her bed, unable to deny that she was a little worried about someone happening across them. Admittedly, mostly Itachi or Sasuke. Even though fully clothed and merely sitting beside one another, it didn't look good.

"We'll be heading out tomorrow for equipment and clothing," he commented, and Sakura smiled at his efforts to distract her. "How are you with henge techniques?"

From what she could remember, she was okay with them. It wasn't anything extraordinary but with her reserves, she was able to sustain it a hell of a lot longer than the average person (Naruto wasn't included in that, obviously). However, that was before becoming Danzo's victim. Now, the question was whether her unsteady control on chakra was capable of handling it long enough to shop for everything she'd need while out in the desert.

"I don't know," she replied honestly. "I used to be."

"Well, then," Shisui said and sat up, facing her. "Let's practice."

Practice? Really? Was that really such a good idea after what happened not even an hour ago? What if she completely lost her shit again?

His gaze softened. "Think of it as training. We can't do much stuck in this place, but it's a start."

"But…"

"I'm here if anything happens," he reminded her gently and held out his hands, palms facing upwards.

After only a few moments of careful consideration, Sakura shuffled over the bed, coming to sit opposite him with a pensive expression. She crossed her legs before herself and reached out, allowing their hands to join but was completely unprepared for the intrusive thoughts that came along with it, ones that Inner-Sakura immediately battled against until one by one, they slipped away, forgotten about moments later.

"What is it that has you worried?"

Swallowing, Sakura kept her gaze fixated on their joined hands, almost smiling when Shisui closed his over hers, holding them gently. "What if I can't sustain it?" she asked lowly, like speaking any louder would make it happen. "I can't… I feel like I'm not in control anymore."

Shisui hummed thoughtfully, though admittedly, Sakura was nearly distracted by the way his thumbs stroked the backs of her hands. Instead of being distracted, however, she allowed it to relax her.

"I have a feeling it's all in your head," commented Shisui lightly and he met her eye. "You feel so out of control in general and have only recently started to acclimate to your trauma. That, in turn, could play a part in your shaky control on your chakra."

It made total sense, she thought to herself with a frown, but how could she change that when it was clear the others still didn't trust her? When their distrust and uncertainty made her feel even more out of control? Looking at the people who were supposed to be her comrades, seeing that they didn't trust her and feared what her next move may be, sometimes pushed her over that edge. And the killer part about it was that she couldn't even blame them for being that way, for she'd yet to do anything to earn their trust.

"How about this?" Shisui suggested and shifted a tiny bit closer, their knees bumping. "Instead of working on a henge right now, we'll work on the flow of your chakra."

He trusted her that much?

Like he could read her mind, he said, "Believe in yourself more than that, Sakura. Itachi told me you managed to channel the Kazekage's chakra – he was the jinchūriki of the Ichibi, correct?"

She could barely nod.

He smiled, eyes softening. "It's all in there. We just need to nurture it."

"How?"

Readjusting his hold on her hands until they were comfortable and relaxed, he murmured, "Shut your eyes, and breathe."

Uncertainty made the task much more difficult than it should have been, and each time Sakura allowed her mind to relax, she felt the tell-tale signs of manipulation lurking, ready to lunge. Or was she imagining it? Was she simply too paranoid of losing control that she allowed herself to?

"Focus on me," Shisui instructed and gave her hands a gentle squeeze. "Copy my breathing."

She had to keep her eyes open for the longest time, gaze fixed on Shisui's broad chest and shoulders as they rose and fell rhythmically. Just watching his peaceful breathing helped, Sakura found with a small smile and she allowed her eyes to drift shut, all but giving herself to him as she allowed him to guide her.

"Can you feel my chakra?" he asked quietly, voice soothing thanks to the relaxed state he was in.

"Yeah."

"I'm going to manipulate it like I'm preparing for a jutsu," Shisui warned. "I want you to copy my flow."

That was too…

No, Sakura inwardly snapped. It wasn't too much of anything. She was a goddamn medic – one of the greatest medics in the freaking world. She could do it.

At the feeling of his chakra seeping to the surface, Sakura was almost tempted to open her eyes for she could feel it in the air around them – it would certainly be enough to cause an outward change. However, she refused to disturb her concentration, even when she didn't get it on the first, second or even her seventh try.

It warmed her heart how Shisui never gave up on her attempts even after so many failures. He pointed out why it went wrong from what he could sense of her chakra, patiently explained what she needed to do, and went straight back to summoning his chakra for her to replicate the flow of.

"There," Shisui encouraged and she could hear the smile in his voice. "You've got it, Sakura. Maintain it."

Grimacing, she focused on his deep, even breaths. Replicating the amount of chakra another person was summoning, as well as the flow of it, was difficult, but Sakura knew that was mainly because she was too far into her own mind. She was allowing herself to get worked up over it.

"Get a feel of it and relax into it," he told her gently.

It was definitely showing outwardly, she thought with a shiver of anticipation. Even if she was somehow unaware of how much they were charging up, she could feel the charge in the air around them, warming her skin and making her hands tingle since they were experiencing both her own and Shisui's chakra.

"Concentrate," Shisui reminded her as Sakura's mind threatened to wander.

The only reason why their experiment (or training or whatever the hell Shisui wanted to call it) wasn't draining them of their chakra was simple. Despite summoning what felt like everything she had to give, they weren't using it. They were prompting it to circulate their body in a steady flow, similar to how she used it to heal herself, Sakura realised belatedly. Was that what he was aiming to achieve?

"Forgive the intrusion, but you're making people uneasy."

Sakura's eyes snapped open as her concentration was officially shattered and with its destruction, the tingling of her palms disappeared.

"Kakashi-san," sighed Shisui with a faint trace of accusation to his tone. "We just got the hang of it."

Unnerved by the fact Kakashi had entered her bedroom so silently, she carefully pulled her hands back to herself, clenching them into fists as the uneasiness ate away at her insides. Could people sneak up on her that easily during the night when she was sleeping? When she was showering? How… How was she supposed to…?

"That may be so, but many of us are on edge and when sensing two huge surges of chakra colliding, understandably we grow uneasy."

"I didn't even think of it like that," Shisui mumbled and ran a hand over his face. "Forgive me. I was attempting to help Sakura with her control."

"Her chakra control?" the Copy-Nin questioned, blinking in surprise. "Sakura's control is exemplary – far surpassing anyone I know."

The praise didn't reach her in the way it previously would have. No, paranoia was digging its vicious claws into her and Sakura glanced around her room, struggling to maintain the careful, relaxed breathing Shisui had worked so hard on with her. Could somebody sneak in? The windows were sealed – even before their arrival due to not only Ino's presence, but also due to there still being enemies of the Kazekage around. There were three doors – one for the bathroom, one for the closet and the final one leading out into the hall – that, much to her horror, she hadn't thought about locking previously. Most horrifying of all, however, was the large vent stationed beside her dresser. While people of the same stature of the two men in her room would struggle fitting in there, people similar to her own build or even Gaara's would be more than capable of squeezing inside. What if–

Movement had Sakura quickly looking to Kakashi, frowning as he leaned against her doorframe with his arms folding over his chest.

"Up," was all he said.

What? What the hell was he going to do to her? Why was he watching her so closely like he was expecting something from her? Why–

"We're going back to basics," he told her simply, like that was all the reason she needed. "Don't make your poor old sensei repeat himself."

They were being ridiculous, but she still got up anyway, continuing to frown at Kakashi as he stepped further into the room and shut the door to grant them some privacy. Were there people out in the hall, she wondered and if they were, then why? Was it because of their summoning chakra? Had they really worried the others that much?

She should probably check on Itachi, shouldn't she? Not even because he was leader, either, but because Sakura knew that his nerves were tightly wound as of late. She didn't want to add to his never-ending list of concerns, particularly not when she already took up a considerable chunk of that list.

"Where do you think you're going?" Kakashi asked the moment she moved towards the door.

Her frown deepened. It seemed she'd moved subconsciously, much to her surprise. "Itachi will be-"

"Itachi-san will be fine," he assured her. Tipping his head in the direction of the wall, Kakashi ordered, "Walk up it."

Walk…

"I'm not a kid anymore–"

"No, you're not. But when you were a kid, you managed to master walking up trees within minutes. Do you know what that requires?"

Sakura sighed at that and rubbed her forehead irritably. "Good control on chakra."

"So do it," Kakashi pushed.

Like it was as simple as that! If she messed up, then the likelihood of damaging Gaara's home was high and then what would they do? He'd already shown them more grace and kindness than any of them had expected (especially her, Sakura thought with an inward sigh, his patience seemingly limitless), and she couldn't take advantage of said kindness by trashing his home and putting holes in the walls. What kind of messed up way of saying thank you was that?

Groaning, because Kakashi seriously wasn't backing off and would push her until she caved anyway, Sakura made her way over to the only bare wall of her room, giving it a quick rap of her knuckles to test the density of it. While it wasn't thin, it certainly wasn't promising either and she bit her lip, uncertainty once more taking hold.

"Stop thinking so much," Kakashi instructed.

She was grateful that he remained by the door, somewhat allowing her to start in her own time, but having two sets of eyes on her was off putting and continuously reminded her of the fact not many trusted her – not even her precious people. They didn't mean to stare in such a way, but–

"Sakura," he chided. "Focus."

"Such a hardass," muttered Inner-Sakura.

Blocking the two men out, she raised her foot to the wall, planting it firmly but with great care and inhaling deeply, continuing the deep breathing technique she'd been working on with Shisui.

The moment she believed her chakra to be steady, Sakura shut her eyes and trusted herself, the walk seemingly effortless on her behalf and stunning her. Why was it so much easier than matching Shisui's chakra? Perhaps because she was only focusing her own chakra to the soles of her feet?

"I knew you could do it," Kakashi praised and she could hear the smile in his voice.

She grit her teeth, but her mistake was opening her eyes to see the world upside down as she hung from the ceiling, stomach turning harshly as memories bombarded her mind.

Instead of being hidden away in the Kazekage's mansion, she was back in Danzo's clutches and both he and Morino Ibiki were towering over her, the latter repeatedly slipping the noose around her neck and kicking away her measly stool without a shred of hesitancy, leaving her-

Shit.

Collapsing harshly onto the tiled flooring with a cringeworthy crack yanked her from the worst of the memories and Sakura sighed with relief, turning onto her back and relishing in the cold floor that helped her cool down. Physical interference or more specifically harm helped, she noted. While still recalling the events, it wasn't in a way where she felt as though she was reliving it all over again, rather, it felt a tad more bearable than before.

"Don't coddle her," Kakashi warned Shisui and she guessed he'd made a move to help her. He came to stand over her, blocking Sakura's view of the ceiling. "Stand up and walk it off, Sakura."

Green eyes languidly met his, wondering just how much trouble she would be in for knocking Kakashi on his ass – if she could even do it, Sakura reminded herself with a weighted sigh. He was lightyears ahead of her. They all were.

There was only a sigh, like he could hear her thoughts, before he joined her on the floor, copying her as she stared up at the ceiling. It was the rare occurrence where her inner refused to shut away the memory, believing it wasn't traumatic enough to cause a relapse, therefore, needed to be faced head on. She was right, of course.

"Where did your mind go?"

Another joining on her other side had Sakura shutting her eyes, the rampant beating of her heart slowing somewhat at the reassuring, protective presence of the two men.

Slowly, like moving too much or too fast would cause an epic breakdown, she brought a hand to her neck. The wounds were healed by her forced usage of Sōzō Saisei and because it'd been active for a while to heal all other wounds, there wasn't even a scar left behind. Had it continued to heal naturally, the scar no doubt would have been horrific.

"They hung me," she confessed in a whisper, frowning minutely. "Repeatedly. Every time I thought I was going to die, they just… They cut me down. Then as soon as I got my breath back, I was back up there."

If she closed her eyes, Sakura knew she would see their faces staring up at her impassively as she struggled to snap the rope somehow, like they thought nothing of torturing someone simply because of who was in their circle. The rope had done a number on her neck, but the wounds were also exacerbated by her nails scraping at her skin, tearing at it in a pitiful attempt to slip beneath the rope and alleviate the pressure. But it was always much too tight.

That was up there as one of the cruellest torture methods, Sakura believed. But then again, she thought that about all of them whenever another flashed through her mind, unable to compare them because of the different levels of fucked up.

"Is that where you learned to detach your mind?" questioned Shisui quietly. "Or created a different personality?"

Honestly? Sakura wasn't even sure how or when it happened. Everything was just… It was such a blurry mess, only growing messier with Inner-Sakura's intervention as she tried to salvage what was left of her broken mind. Had it not been for her, Sakura sincerely believed she wouldn't be there with them. Either she would have found a way to end it all or worse, Danzo would have worn her down and retrieved all the information he needed to harm her precious people.

"I don't know," she replied truthfully.

Shutting her eyes, Sakura breathed through the memory, willing away the images of Ibiki and Danzo and when that didn't work, she imagined herself kicking out at them, of somehow scraping up whatever was left of her chakra and taking them out. Even if it meant there was no one there to cut her down, that was fine by her. She'd eliminated the threat.

"I need to get stronger. I can't keep holding everyone back," Sakura told them, wondering whether she could have made a difference to her situation, had she not been so weak. Maybe she could have even defeated Danzo that night? Turning her head to the side, she glanced to her former sensei, waiting until he met her eye before requesting, "Please train me again, Kakashi-sensei."

Without a moment of hesitation, he promised, "He won't know what's hit him."

"Keep interactions to a minimum," Gaara informed her group for the outing, assessing each of their henge critically to ensure not a shred of who they really were was revealed. "I have withdrawn a great chunk of funds – use it to acquire more than what you need."

They really couldn't repay how kind he'd been towards them, Sakura thought once more. Despite the great risk of housing what was left of their rebellion and knowingly going against Danzo (which of course, at that moment in time, meant going against Konoha), Gaara did so without a shred of hesitancy on his part. He opened up his own home to them, fed them, clothed them, offered them advice and even said he would back them when they were ready to take back Konoha.

"As long as you don't draw attention to yourselves, nobody will take notice of you."

Sakura set her jaw, knowing that if anyone was going to blow their cover, it was undeniably her. Was that why she was sent with three of the strongest of their group? And if so, why hadn't she realised that sooner? Surely it would have been better assigning Kakashi, Itachi and Shisui as leaders of other groups, especially whatever group Naruto happened to be in (and she prayed to the ignorant Gods that he wasn't in the same group as Sasuke).

"Sakura."

She looked to Gaara, forcing herself to keep her breathing calm lest she wished for her henge to drop.

"Due to our high need for more medics, textbooks are readily available for anyone in our library. Feel free to take as many as you need."

That was… When they were already in desperate need…? "Are you sure that's really okay?" she demanded without really meaning to, because damn it, so much pressure was being piled on top of her to succeed. What if she couldn't? At that point, there was so many she would be disappointing. "Won't people need them?"

"As I said, we have plenty in hopes it will encourage teams to read them and learn the basics."

Nodding, she said, "Thank you."

"Before you go," Gaara spoke up once more just as they began to turn away, causing them to look back curiously. "You will need these."

Her heart stuttered at the sight of the forehead protectors being held out to them, four in total and each boasting the emblem for Suna.

They hesitated in accepting them, the thought of wearing another village's badge unsettling. It was ridiculous, she tried to tell herself. It didn't mean anything and was merely a part of their disguises. However, she just…

What would she think of her for it?

No.

It didn't matter.

Sakura shut her eyes and breathed in deeply, counting back from three, before approaching Gaara, taking one of them for herself and putting it on without a second thought.

She didn't allow herself to feel, didn't let herself think too much about it. It was just a forehead protector, Sakura repeated in her mind harshly, and she needed to get the hell over herself.

Looking to her watchers that were disguised as her teammates, she watched as they donned the insignia for another village, their brief flashes of pain and discomfort not unmissable. Of course, the three of them had always been the most devoted to Konoha, laying themselves bare as they gave their all to protect the village and help it prosper. Nothing was ever too much for any of them, because in their eyes, they were more than capable of shouldering such devastating burdens. Wearing Suna's insignia, even if it was just a part of their disguise, was no doubt affecting them more deeply due to officially being listed as traitors to Konoha, making it more real to them all.

"Let's go," Itachi stated while turning, taking the lead.

She remained by Kakashi's side, gaze drawn to the two Uchiha men as they walked side by side several metres ahead. They weren't so far that they wouldn't be able to come to their aid should they be ambushed, but still, that voice in the back of her mind hissed that they were too far from her. Even as Inner-Sakura threatened to tear the voice to shreds, it repeated its vicious whispers, demanding that she rushed ahead and joined them because if she didn't, something would happen to them. Danzo would get them. And where was Sasuke, that voice demanded repeatedly, stabbing at her heart each time it asked.

"It feels nice getting out," Kakashi spoke up conversationally. Hands digging into his pockets, he took a noticeably deep breath, allowing his chest to expand with it, eye creasing. "Don't you think?"

Taking that as a cue to copy him, Sakura did so, hands itching to ball into fists to somehow try and better manage her emotions.

It wasn't even her heart longing to be closer to them in that moment, she realised belatedly. No, it was entirely the voice in her head and she damned it with every fibre of her being as it manipulated her heart.

"…Yeah," she eventually managed to reply, knowing it had taken too long for her to do so.

They had safe words in place – words for her to use if it was all becoming too much for her to handle and words for them if they believed she was losing it but unable to communicate it with them.

Already, she was sweating as they walked beneath the brutal sun that scorched her skin and Sakura longed to return to the Kazekage's mansion, where the rooms were kept at a comfortable, cool temperature for his guests. Even more annoyingly, sand was between her toes within minutes of leaving and rubbing uncomfortably with every step she took, pushing her into the decision of purchasing boots if they came across any.

It was unknowingly that Sakura stepped closer to Kakashi when the streets steadily grew busier the closer to the market they got, and she swallowed hard at the collective noise of the villagers as they went about their day, adults chattering away and children playing while parents shopped. She hadn't been around so much noise in way too long and it showed in the faint twitching of her hands, in the sharp intake of breath as her mind threatened to be overwhelmed within seconds.

"You've got this," Kakashi encouraged under his breath.

Did she, though? How could he be so sure? They were barely fifteen minutes into their task of shopping, and it was quickly becoming apparent that she was unravelling at the seams. Her heartrate was impressive, the pounding thundering behind her ears, seemingly pulsating throughout her entire body and knocking Sakura sideways as it repeatedly attempted to steal the breath from her lungs. Her resistance caused a dull ache in her chest, one that grew more intense the longer she fought against it.

And like he could sense her building distress, Itachi glanced over his shoulder, eyes effortlessly meeting hers even as they were submerged in the crowd of people. But it wasn't concern that shone so brightly there, it was reassurance. It was belief, silently telling her that he believed she could do it.

"This one," Kakashi indicated, herding her towards the nearest store and Sakura released a shuddering breath as they left the large crowd of shoppers, the drop in temperature cooling her heated skin. "You're doing well."

She kept her back to the shop assistant, pretending she was perusing the piles of clothing as she tried to calm her rampaging heart. It only started to slow down when the dinging of the bell above the door signified Itachi and Shisui's entrance a whole three minutes and twenty-eight seconds after theirs, and Sakura finally released a deep breath, hands stilling in their shaking, mind falling silent.

Her need to be close to them was definitely mental.

Would that change with the undoing of Danzo's manipulation?

Kakashi was posing as her older brother, their henges similar in appearance and Sakura took full advantage without a shred of uncertainty as he allowed her to burden him with her collection of clothing, piling them high on his arm, smirking whenever she heard his sigh of dejection or quiet complaints.

Like hell was she going to allow herself to go back to a state of such… Sakura repressed a shudder just recalling how tragic her appearance was and continued to be due to months of mistreatment. Rather than cleaning herself up the moment she was rescued, she'd allowed herself to fester in her mess, barely even caring for her wounds properly. Granted, that other personality was just barely clinging to sanity (if one could even call it that) but still. It was straight up gross.

"Maa," Kakashi complained with a huff, shuffling the pile that was around level with his head to the other arm. "Don't go overboard."

When the chances of her clothes being destroyed during training were high? She sure as hell wasn't risking it, not after living in the same three shirts and two pairs of pants for the past month and a half, and not even having that during her captivity.

Out of everything, her appearance was perhaps the only part she could control one hundred percent. Repeatedly conditioning her hair like she was apologising to it for leaving it in such a sorry state, drinking twice the amount of water she usually would in hopes it would soothe her irritated and dry skin, showering over and over and over because no matter how many times she scrubbed away at her skin, she was still so certain she was still covered in blood–

No.

Stop it.

Just as her heart started racing and palms grew sweaty, just as Sakura was so sure that she was slipping in control and about to lose her shit, she feigned interest in a pair of sandals on the ground behind a rack of shirts, crouching low simply so that she could place her head between her knees, recalling her breathing techniques. Shoulders relaxed, eyes shutting, breathing deeply for ten seconds then releasing it slowly. In, out. In, out.

In…

Out…

In…

Out…

The ringing in her ears slowly subsided, alongside the squeezing sensation deep within her chest and Sakura commended herself on managing her panic. Gaara's book had undoubtedly given her a hand in regaining composure with its useful breathing techniques, and for the umpteenth time since waking up in Suna, she reminded herself that she really needed to thank him in some way.

Only when composed once more did she realise Shisui kept the assistant occupied during her lapse in control, diverting the attention away from her, and Kakashi's drifting closer to her, crouching beside her with a sandal in hand like he was debating them also. Itachi was close by too, she realised and upon the meeting of their gazes, her heart warmed powerfully at the pride in his eyes.

She did it, Sakura realised belatedly with a burst of giddiness she fought to hide. She'd silenced her panic before it progressed to an outburst. Even after her relapse yesterday and the way it'd refused to let her sleep at all that night, she'd done it.

Unable to hide it any longer, she grinned up at Kakashi and it only widened when his eye creased with a smile, his free hand came to her hair to give it a short ruffle.

She was making progress!

A/N - Oooof it's getting hard writing Sakura and I keep cringing while editing. None of her chapters feel descriptive enough because I originally wanted them to be disjointed, a little confusing and basically all over the place like her mind is, but as I'm progressing into the story, I want to explore stuff more deeply to help the plot along but it just doesn't fit now, if that makes sense? Bring on the training when we can start to switch it up hahah.

Also, not to get anyone's hopes up, but I kinda have plans for this story, as in making it a series and exploring alternate universes/endings or sequels or something, just because I currently have five different endings written up as drafts and I reaaaaaaally don't want it to come to doing eenie meenie to choose which one, yknow?

Is there anything you guys want to see in future chapters or the series?