STRAND

Ever since I lost him there's at least one thing a day that reminds me of Thomas. Yesterday it was Alicia telling me about Clarke. Today it's the reflection of the early sun rays on the rain puddles, sparkling in that same way as they used to on the crystal clear water of his swimming pool. It clearly doesn't have to be a lot to feel him with me. Even after all this years.

"Good morning."

The sound of Clarke's voice makes me spin around, turning my back to the desolated street behind the window.

"Morning," I greet her, before nodding towards the table. "There's some coffee, if you want. I managed to scrape some instant powder off the kitchen shelves. It's shitty, but effective."

She wrinkles her nose. "Thanks, but I pass."

"That makes you the wisest of the two of us."

Mirroring my grin she moves to the table to pick up a small bottle. "How did you sleep?" she asks, while unscrewing the cap. As soon as she takes a sip she pulls a face that tells me the water within it hardly tastes any better. "Lex- I mean Alicia, she told me you two have been talking. About her past... and all."

"Yes," I nod, thinking back about yesterday, and not for the first time. "That was... quite something."

She throws me another smile. "I'd say the fact that you're not questioning an improbable story like this is quite something, too. I can tell that you believing her means a lot to her. Everything, actually."

"Well, I would lie if I'd tell you I'm not baffled by it all. I definitely need some time to process. But despite her tale proving the opposite I still believe I do know her. And there's just no way she made any of this up." I take a sip of my coffee, which by now doesn't just taste horrible, but is also cold. I grimace and put the cup to the side. "Also she might have told you that I happen to have a bit of a... selfish side. And to be truthful, this time is no different."

Twisting her mouth she looks pensive. "I don't understand. How can this benefit you?"

"It can't. Not for real, that is," I answer. As my eyes flick to the stairs behind her, just for a second, I cross my arms in front of me. "There's just one thing that stuck to me. As soon as her words were out, as soon as she told me about Lexa's fate. One thing that keeps going through my head ever since. It's what makes me want to believe her."

Clarke pulls one of the chairs toward her and sits down on it - carefully, as it doesn't seem very sturdy. But it holds. She exhales and looks up at me again. She doesn't ask me anything, but I can read the questions on her face, together with a seemingly genuine interest, as well as a touch of alertness. Ready to protect Alicia if needed.

I lean back against the windowsill. Behind me the rain starts pouring down again, cleaning the earth from death, whether in the form of fresh blood or ancient memories.

"Years ago, just shortly after I met Alicia and her family, I lost the love of my life," I sigh. I'm not used to talking about this, or any matter of the heart really, but somehow I feel that this time I should. "His name was Thomas. And he was a good man, way too good for me to ever deserve him. He was a good man, who died in a horrible way."

Empathy crosses her face. "Walkers?"

"He was bitten, yes. When I found him the infection was already spreading through him, like wildfire. But that's not what I mean. He uhm- He died being lied to." I swallow, then inhale a shaky breath. "By me."

She nods, slowly, then tilts her head a little, her eyes narrow. "What does this has to do with Alicia - or in this case, Lexa?"

"It doesn't. Not directly, that is. She wasn't involved. It's just that... Tom's death never stopped haunting me. His final moments. The questions that keep me awake at night, the ones that I thought could never be answered - was he scared, feeling betrayed, in pain?"

Clarke shoves her hair back from her face. As she scratches her head she looks as if she's trying to solve a puzzle.

"You think they've met, in any way? Cause you just said you already met Alicia when Thomas died. Meaning Lexa had been long gone. Besides all mysteries of afterlife, timeline wise-"

"No, no, that's not it," I interrupt her, "I know she could never say anything on Thomas' behalf. But she does know."

"Knows what exactly?"

"What it is like to die."

Taking in a deep breath, Clarke shifts in her chair. A worried look clouds her eyes.

"Am I wrong?"

She shakes her head. "No."

"Has she talked to you about it?"

Another nod, though as subtle as a blink. "Just a little bit. She explained to me how she'd felt blissful, because I was with her, and because she'd finally felt like herself, instead of..." Her voice drifts off, leaving her sentence unfinished, and we both stay quiet until she clears her throat. "She hasn't shared anything else, not about the actual... passing."

My eyes find hers.

"You think she's willing to?" I ask her, and as soon as I do I realize how much I rely on her answer. How I feel like this girl knows her better than I do, even though Alicia and I go way further back - at least as far as I know.

"Honestly? I don't know," she answers, raising her shoulders a bit, yet not in a dismissive way. "She's been a bit on and off about her past. And ready to leave a part of it behind her. But it's clear to me that you're important to her, so yeah, she might be willing to. Just..." She falters, then suddenly stands up, making her towering over me for a bit. "Just be careful."

I nod, but before I can say anything else she raises her hand to stop me and tilts her head again, her gaze towards the sky.

"What's that sound?"

I squint my eyes, concentrating, but I don't hear anything. That is, not right away. Cause five seconds later the whirling sound slowly reaches me after all, getting louder as it seems to be getting closer.

I jump up.

"Alicia!"

Before her name is out she's already running down the stairs.

"You hear that?" she pants, while speeding towards the front door. There's no question that we're sharing that same mix of fear and excitement. "Open it! Open it!"

As she brusquely pushes away the barricade we've build last night I grab the rusty key and unlock the door.

And then we're outside, scanning the sky with our hands above our eyes.

"Lexa, what's going on?" Clarke asks from behind us. She's joined us on the small porch, together with the kid. "What are we looking for?"

"Isn't it obvious?" I frown. Yet when I briefly look at them and see the confusion on their faces I can tell that it's not - which unbalances me for a moment.

"A helicopter," Alicia answers them, "It's... some sort of aircraft. Like a plane."

"It's nothing like a plane," I murmur, "except for the fact that it flies as well."

"Whatever," she sighs besides me, "Do you see it?"

I shake my head. "Nope. I think it's changed its course. The sound is fading."

I drop my arm, as well as my shoulders, then turn around. Clarke and Madi still look like they have a million questions, which makes me feel the same, until I remember they are from... well, some place with no helicopters, apparently.

"Before the world went down helicopters were a common way of transport," I start to explain. "Mainly used by the military and police forces, hospitals, firefighters-"

"-movie stars, tourists..." Alicia mumbles, her eyes still searching.

"Well yeah, them too. Let's say anyone but the man on the street. Shortly after the outbreak the sky was filled with them, but they soon became hard to find. Since then we've only seen a couple. The last one was years ago."

Madi steps forward. She looks at Alicia.

"Have you ever been in one?" she asks her with eagerness.

Alicia doesn't take her eyes off the sky. "Yes," she just says.

Though I wasn't there I do know what happened when she and Travis tried to make their way to the ranch, and how Travis never made it there.

"Let's just get our stuff and hit the road, alright?" I suggest, resting my hand on Alicia's shoulder. "It's gone, girl. Let it go."

... ...

"But how do we know who's flying it? If those people are good or bad?" Madi asks, sitting on her knees on the ground to study my drawing in the sand - my poor attempt to show her how a helicopter looks like.

"We don't," I shrug. "We just know that they own the kind of technology that nowadays hardly anyone on this planet owns. Which increases the chance that they're part of something bigger. Something that could make a difference. We can only hope it's for the better."

She cocks her head, looking up at me. "So you can join them?"

"Well yeah, if they can provide safety. Or use our help."

"And if they're bad?"

A sigh escapes me, though I catch myself smiling at her as well - like I somehow don't have any free will anymore. "Do you always ask this many questions?"

"Yes," she answers, while standing up, "Knowing is surviving."

My smile grows wider. I might have underestimated this kid. "Fair enough," I nod, "If they're bad we've got two choices: run and make it as far away as possible, or play hero and fight them... against all odds."

"So... what would you do?"

No longer smiling, I rub my chin. "I wish I could tell you I'd fight, but in all fairness I couldn't promise you that. I can tell you who would, though."

Her eyes sparkle, telling me that Alicia doesn't even have to play a hero - to Madi she already is. There's no time for any more chitchat though, at least not right now. Alicia and Clarke step outside, their backpacks strapped on and ready to go.

We've got many miles to cover. So many that I don't even want to think about it. Instead, I just remind myself of those words my father once taught me. That each journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.

And so we set off.

With one single step. And then, with just putting one foot in front of the other.

Northwest. To follow a lead that might not be a lead. To search for a needle that might not even be a needle.

I've been called crazy for less.

For a while we travel in silence, taking turns in leading our small caravan. When I'm the one walking in front Alicia calls for me, asking to wait up for her. I lower my pace till she's caught up with me.

"What's up?" I raise my brows. "You guys need a break?"

"No, we're all good," she answers, "It's just... I overheard you and Clarke this morning. And I wanted you to know that it's okay. We can talk about it."

Taken a little off guard I promptly stop walking. "Wait, you mean...?"

"Yes," she laughs, mostly likely because of the look on my face. "Keep moving though. Unless you want to prove that men can't multitask?"

I snort, shake my head, then swiftly continue walking. While I do so, I look at her again. "You're sure about this?"

Though no longer laughing she shows me another smile, albeit a bit of a sad one, and it comes to me that she's about to delve into what I can only assume are her worst memories just to help me forward - something I really shouldn't ask from her. But she's already ahead of me.

"I owe you that much," she reassures me, "Although I'm not sure if I can help you. I reckon there's hardly any experience as unique as this one. As... dying."

Our eyes briefly meet again and we exchange a short nod. By actually calling it by name the first hurdle has been overcome.

"I was shot," she starts telling, not waiting for me to stop her, nor for any of my questions. Her hand moves to her midriff. I'm not sure if she's aware of it. "I didn't see it coming and in that very first moment I don't think I even felt it. Numbed by shock. But then the pain hit me. And it was excruciating. Nothing like I ever experienced before."

There's gasping. I can't tell if it's her or me, or both of us. I wonder again if I should make her stop, for either of our sake, but when she goes on she sounds determined to finish.

"It didn't take long. The pain I mean. It faded. But my mind stayed clear. I knew what was happening. While I watched how Clarke tried to save me I knew it was soon to be over. I knew I had reason enough to feel scared. But with my body giving up my panic did, too. What was left was this final sense of duty, and of needing to protect the only one who mattered. After that..." She takes my hand and lightly squeezes it. "After that all I remember is love. Yes, I cried. Tears of sorrow, of anger and regret - so much regret. Regret that I had to leave her behind. But the more tears I shed the more bliss I felt. For to die in the arms of someone who made me feel all that. For being able to share my last breath with her..."

She lets go of me again, bringing her hand up to wipe her eyes. I hadn't even noticed that she was crying, with her voice sounding steady as ever.

"You want to know about those last few seconds? Well, again, I can't speak for everyone. That I know. But mine came without pain, nor fear. My life had given me reason enough to feel hate, betrayal or bitterness, and my death was gruesome and unfair. Yet in the end there was only peace. And then there was simply nothing."

I heave a sigh. Nothing sounds good. A whole lot better than I pictured. And like something I really want to believe. If things were that simple.

When I stay quiet Alicia takes my arm again.

"Listen, I know what happened that day," she says, her voice even softer than before. "I was there. You couldn't save Thomas. No one could."

Suddenly feeling I don't deserve the affection I pull myself loose from her. "I could have joined him. I- I'd promised him to join him."

"You did?" She looks up at me again, but I avoid her gaze.

"I did. And I meant it. But I failed him. Betrayed him one more time."

"You really think that if he could, he'd care about you changing your mind? After you did everything right? Strand, you were with him. You stayed by his side, comforted him, made him feel loved. If his final moment was anything like mine, I can promise you that you didn't fail. At all."

As I let her words sink in I stare at the horizon ahead. She lets me, knowing I need a minute. Or two. So we just keep walking in silence, until I gently bump into her to make our gazes meet again.

"Thank you," I quietly mutter.

"Anytime," she smiles up at me. "You know, we've been through so much. Together, but also individually. There's not a soul these days without any sorrows, or any blame. We're no different. And we're only human. So I think it's time we allow ourselves to be human, and not be angry about that."

"And how do I do that?"

She shrugs. "By forgiving yourself."

I glance over my shoulder, then back at her. "She taught you that?"

Her eyes light up, like they always do when we talk about Clarke. If there's one reason why I want to find Madison it's for her to see this. This happiness her daughter has found, despite everything.

"She did," Alicia grins, "And now I'm teaching you. Will you try it?"

"I will try it," I nod, and this time I know it's a promise I'm gonna keep.

"Good," she nods in return, before focusing on the road again, "That's all I'm asking."

... ...