Conditioning

(Sunday Afternoon, September 29th)

Chad slides the papers over to Jimmy. "I need to know that this isn't going to get out." The therapist signs it, and Chad questions, "You're not even going to read it?"

"I'm less concerned with the information you have and more concerned with letting you speak freely," he explains.

Chad lets out a deep breath. "Don't you ever miss it, just jumping through grassy forests, not having to worry about anything, and just living your life?"

He smiles. "All fun and games, until the house cat tries to tear my legs off."

Chad frowns. "I wish I had the life I used to have."

"Before everything happened," he acknowledges.

Chad takes a deep breath. "I'm not high enough for this conversation."

"Then don't talk." He nods to the red t-rex. "Let Dino talk. What would he say?"

Chad turns the dinosaur so that it faces him. "He'd tell me it's going to be okay, that he'll protect me." He faces the therapist. "But I'm trying to protect him too. I'm scared to let him see me like that, so I don't."

"You've had a lot of good times with Dino, haven't you, back when things were simpler and you were more innocent?"

Chad sniffles. "Yes."

"And you want to protect that," he suggests, "that life you had, the person you were." Chad starts to cry. "But the trauma you endured has changed that. It's changed you. Do you think, maybe, it's time that you let go of that and accept what's happened, who you are now?"

Chad takes the dinosaur and squeezes him. "Not now. I can't right now."

Doug looks up from the table, as Chad takes the pills from the bedside table. "Bad day?"

"I'm not innocent," Chad repeats. "I'm a different person now."

"No one's really innocent," Doug comments. "It's part of being human." He watches him snort one of the capsules and swallow two more. "Whoa. Are you supposed to take that much?"

"Damn." Chad shakes his head. "You're right. I keep forgetting about that medication." He runs a hand through his hair. "Maybe I should throw it up."

"What?" Doug stands from his seat. "No." He steps towards him. "Chad. That is the worst possible thing someone can do when they're overdosing."

"And why's that?" Chad challenges.

"I don't know why." Doug stresses, "I just heard it's bad."

"I just took them." Chad gets to his feet. "I'm sure it will be fine."

Doug steps in front of Chad and pushes against his chest. "Just see a nurse, first. Please. I promised your father I'd keep you safe."

Chad pushes him out of the way. "I just did this last week. I'll be fine."

Doug shouts, "Last week?" The bathroom door closes, and Doug pounds on it. "Chad!" He places a hand to his forehead, as he hears the vomiting; however, soon after Chad remerges. "How long?"

Chad huffs. "How long, what?"

"How long have you been throwing up?"

Chad furrows his eyebrows. "Hey. I don't do it on purpose."

"You just did!" Doug gestures to the bathroom.

"That was necessary," Chad argues.

"And you know enough to use mouthwash," he points out.

"Okay." Chad places his hands on Doug's shoulders. "If it makes you feel better, I won't do it again. I'll keep better track of my stuff. But I promise you, this isn't a problem of mine." Chad lets go of him. "I have a lot of problems. I'm not bulimic."

"You don't have to be bulimic to purge," Doug whispers.

"Never again," Chad reaffirms. "I swear." Doug intently stares at him. "It's only been a couple times. Please, don't rat me out. I'm fine."

Doug adjusts his glasses. "If you say so."

"No buts." William drags Chad around the corner. "Coach wants to talk to you."

Chad struggles to get free, but all it does is wear out his lungs. "How did you get so frickin' strong?"

"Amino acids," he answers. "A pint a day, I'm getting plenty."

"A donor can only donate every other day," Chad disputes. "Where's the other pints coming from?"

William pushes Chad in front of the coach's office, and he knocks. Mr. Jenkins opens the door, and he smiles. "Chad. It's nice to be graced with your presence."

"Conditioning is an extracurricular," Chad whines.

"That's a requirement for tourney in the spring." He places a hand on his shoulder. "I know you still've got some fight left in you. The future you planned, it can be yours."

"I was going to say," Chad comments, "my career plans, it's far from my dreams."

"But the next best thing, I'm sure," Coach Jenkins encourages. "You show up, you get stronger, and you fight for the life you want."

"For the life I want?" Chad repeats. "How about the life I had, before everything got so fucking fucked?"

He peers over at William. "Thank you for getting him here, but you can go." William nods, and the coach steps inside the office. "Take a seat. You can sit by the door." Chad does as he's instructed, and he frowns at Jenkins. "I know you're going through a really tough time, but this pain you're feeling, sport is the perfect place to express it. And, now, I know you feel like nothing's important, not after what happened, but I do believe you have a story to tell."

Chad straightens. "And what story's that?"

"Yours," he emphasizes. "The person who hurt you, you have the means to put yourself back together and prove that they were wrong about you. There's no greater revenge than that." Chad's eyes lower. "What do you say? Want to prove you're stronger than he is?"

Chad faces him. "Prove it to who?" The coach falters, and he angers, "Say his name."

He whispers, "Professor Hawthorne."

"How did he hurt me, huh?" The coach's dark brown eyes meet the tiled floor. "Say it!" The coach offers him a sad expression but doesn't say anything. Chad stands from his seat. "Fuck you! Fuck all of you!"

"Chad." He turns into the hallway but halts, hands gripping the doorframe. "I'm trying to help the only way I know how. You need an outlet, a place where you can kick and scream all you want. I'm trying to give that to you."

Chad turns around. "How many students? How many students came to you with this problem, and you just kept silent?"

His frown deepens. "One. I used to fill in for the special needs class. There was this kid with low-functioning autism." He meets Chad's eyes. "He didn't have the vocal ability to testify in court. I didn't want to make his pain worse by making him relive it."

"Oh. He relived it." Chad's eyebrows raise. "Every time he sees him in the hall, he relives it. That pain. That fear. It doesn't end, just because people pretend it never happened."

"Chad," he says again. "I don't have the resources or evidence to take him out on my own. All I have is my word, and I assure you that pales in comparison to a man of science."

Chad slowly nods. "Yeah. I know." He takes a step back, hands in his pockets. "Maybe I'll show up to conditioning… just don't toss any weights at me. I can't handle it right now."

The coach nods in return. "It will be nice to see you there." Chad nods again, backing away, before he traces his steps back down the hall. He sees William at the end of it, a grave frown framing his features, and Chad charges towards him, pushing him in the chest. "Don't tell me you were fucking listening!"

"Not if you didn't want me to." He hurriedly explains, "I was just waiting. It's an empty hallway, and I have good hearing. I wasn't trying to listen."

"But you still heard," Chad lowers his voice.

"Not if you don't want me to," he says again, "but if you ever want to talk, I won't say anything to anyone until you're ready." Chad takes a deep breath, but the tears still fall. "Hey. It's going to be okay."

"No." Chad faces him. "Don't you get it? If this gets out, my life's over." He wipes the tears away with his sweatshirt, and his phone rings. He tries to steady his breathing before answering it. "Hey. Dad."

"Ben's awake."

Chad widens his eyes, as William smiles. "Not over, yet."

Chad rushes to the hospital room, and a nurse stops him. "No visitors until his mother arrives."

"Her?" Chad gapes. "She's never going to come."

"Chad?" Ben calls.

He tries to bypass the nurse, but she holds her stance. His father requests, "For Heaven's sake, let him through."

The nurse whispers, "No one else."

She leaves, and Chad runs over to Ben. "Hey." He sadly grins. "How are you?"

"Hungry," Ben admits.

"The nurse is working on that," Charming reassures.

Ben smiles at Chad. "How are you?"

"Nervous." He inches forward. "I can't believe you're finally awake. We have so much to talk about."

"Like what?"

Chad's expression slips. "Like… what you said."

Ben half laughs. "What did I say?"

"That you loved me."

Ben frowns. "There's no way I said that."

"Ben," Chad frustrates.

"No," he interrupts. "I love Mal." He looks around. "Where is she?"

Chad's father intervenes, "Do you remember how you got hurt?"

Ben's eyes shift. "Jay stabbed me."

"Which is treason," he reminds him. "With you in a coma, we had no choice but to send him back to the Isle, and Mal didn't want him to be alone."

"You're saying she went with him?" he clarifies.

Charming whispers, "They all did."

Ben shakes his head. "No. This isn't right. She didn't do anything wrong. I have to go to her." He sits up. "I have to make her come back with me."

Charming presses him back against the bed. "Right now, you need to rest."

Chad sniffs the powder, flushes the capsule, and exits the bathroom. A pair of larger feet stand before him, and he looks up at his father. "How are you holding up?"

"What do you mean?" Chad murmurs.

"I know how hopeful you were," he explains. "For Ben not to remember—"

"It's fine," Chad interrupts. "I wasn't ready for a committed relationship, anyway. I have too much shit going on in my life."

"You didn't feel that way when Carlos was still here."

"That." Chad tugs at a handful of his hair. "It was passion." He drops his arms to his side. "He was right. That kind of thing never lasts."

He unsurely says, "Ben seemed to think it was serious."

"Well, he was wrong." Chad shouts, "Or else Carlos would still be here."

He glances around at the staring people, and his father rests a hand on his shoulder. "Tell me what I can do to help you."

Chad shakes his head. "Don't you get it? You can't."

"I can."

"No. You can't!" Chad's eyes narrow. "You don't understand."

Doug grabs a chair and takes a seat next to Chad's bed. "Heard what happened. Must be pretty rough."

"Rough?" Chad repeats. "Feels like my heart's been cut out and ran over by a bus."

He readjusts his glasses. "That painful."

"Worse. Like vultures ate at it afterwards." When Doug fails to respond, Chad wraps himself tighter in the blanket. "I've loved him my entire life. This back-and-forth with him, you can't possibly know what it feels like."

"You're right," Doug agrees. "I can't. But Ben will come around."

"And then he'll run away again."

"Still in bed?" Audrey hands him the drink. "Come on."

Chad takes a sip of the drink and widens his eyes. "Don't tell me."

"Green tea lemonade." Her expression slips. "You are allowed caffeine, right?"

"You gave me Ben's drink!"

"Well, it always seems to cheer him up," she defends. "And I don't know what yours is."

Chad tightens his grip around the cup. "You do not know how much I want to throw this at you right now."

"Good." She smiles. "That's progress."

"Audrey," Chad warns.

"I'm out of here."

She twirls around, struts out of the room, and Chad takes a deep breath. "Sorry," Doug apologizes. "I thought she could give you some spiritual guidance. I know you're into that."

Chad sets the drink down and lies on his back. "God hates me."

Chad sets the assignment on the return pile and watches as Hawthorne stares at the computer. He watches the last students leave and returns his attention to the professor. "Can I help you with something?"

He shouldn't be standing here. Hawthorne turns towards him, and Chad's eyes lower. "Ben doesn't remember." He looks back up. "You know, what he told me."

"Well, I'm sorry to hear that."

Chad's face warms. "You're the first person I told about him. Everyone else thinks they know what I'm feeling, how hard it must be, but they weren't there. They weren't there when I planned to make him jealous. They weren't there when he declared his undying love for Mal. They weren't there when Mal poisoned me so that I'd back off." His face wets. "You were."

The professor clasps his hands. "This has been a very long, difficult road for you."

"Yes." Chad huffs. "It has."

"But this isn't the end," he reassures. "Your love is not unrequited. Ben might not be ready now, but one day he will be. Until then, think of your other dreams. You have your future to think of. Why have a distraction now, when you can have it all later?"

Chad takes a deep breath. "You really think he'll change his mind?"

He smiles. "Everyone has to conform to their true natures at some point in their lives."

Chad frowns as he sits across from Fairy Godmother. "The other students are going to get jealous of how much attention you're giving me."

She smiles. "That's a risk I'm willing to take."

He folds his arms. "So, why am I here?"

"There's a witness," Fairy Godmother hesitates, "saying that they saw you crying, while speaking with Professor Hawthorne after class."

"Fuck," Chad frustrates.

"Is there something you want to talk about?"

"I was talking to him." Chad's eyes widen. "About Ben. About how he completely forgot he said he loved me." He releases a breath. "I know, it's stupid."

"I wouldn't say stupid." She ponders, "Perhaps reckless is better suited, given the allegations you had against him."

"What's up with that?" Chad sidetracks. "I told you, I lied. Why's he being replaced for the nightshift? Why isn't he allowed to teach the carnivores that virus class."

"Because." Fairy Godmother clasps her hands. "It is rare that someone comes forward about this kind of thing without at least part of it being true." She uneasily says, "Sometimes the false accusation is due to the victim needing someone to blame, should the predator be either unknown or untouchable." She pauses. "In this case, given Professor Hawthorne's personality, I do believe he could have hurt you in some way. Whether it's the crime you accused him of is of unimportance. I can't allow him to be alone with any students."

Chad shakes his head. "I don't get it. If he's not doing that, what do you think he did?"

"Well, as a narcissist, he's probably not good at building a child's self-esteem."

Chad murmurs, "My friends would say he earned his right to be a narcissist."

"But not his right to hurt students," she counters. "Physically or mentally."

Silent erupts, and Chad proclaims, "Well, I'm fine. He reassured me that Ben would come back eventually."

She nods. "I'm sure he will."

Chad raises his eyebrows. "Are we done now?"

"If you wish." She meets his eyes, and Chad jumps from his chair.