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Thirty Eight

"Daddy!" Joanna grinned up at her father and held out her arms. "Where're you going?"

"Back to space," answered Leonard. He picked up his daughter in his arms and tried to ignore the scathing look the woman opposite him was throwing his way, instead focusing on smiling at Joanna. "You're gonna be good for your ma while I'm gone, right?" he asked.

Joanna nodded enthusiastically, and then her little face fell. "How long are you going for this time?"

"A while," said Leonard simply. He kissed her forehead and set her down, but Joanna didn't let go. He sighed. "Honey, I gotta go."

Joanna pouted. "Can't I come with you? There's a girl in my class, her dad works for Starfleet too, and she gets to go with him all the time!"

Her parents can probably stand to be in the same room as each other, thought Leonard to himself grimly. Trying not to let his annoyance show, he plastered a fake grin onto his face. "You won't like space, Joanna," he told her in a mock-whisper, like he was confessing a secret. "The ship's small and cramped, and you won't have your own room. You won't have your friends or your teachers, or grandma or your ma. Nothin' fun happens up there."

"But you'd be there!" persisted Joanna. Leonard's heart clenched in his chest, and it must have showed on his face, because suddenly Joanna looked close to tears. "Don't you want me to come with you?"

"That's enough, Joanna," cut in Pam, finally interrupting the incoming tantrum. "Say bye-bye to Daddy, and come back inside."

"Go on," whispered Leonard. He gave her another hug and kiss, even as her shoulders began to shake with silent tears. "I'll call you every week," he promised, even though he knew he wouldn't be able to keep it. "And when I come back, you can come stay with me in San Francisco, okay? Remember when we went to that wedding? That was fun, right?" Tearfully, Joanna nodded. "Good," he smiled. "I promise, honey, time's gonna fly. Go back inside. I'll call you tomorrow, okay?"

"Okay," mumbled Joanna, her face still buried in his chest. "Love you, Daddy."

"Love you too, kiddo."

Leonard jerked awake, hands flailing, and the empty glass on his bedside table fell to the ground with a sharp crash that made him wince. The sound made his splitting headache even worse, but it was hard to tell if it had started when he had downed the contents of the glass, or with the dream he'd had. Of all the things to remember from his last time on Earth, this one was the worst, he decided. Ignoring the broken glass on the floor, he ran a hand through his hair tiredly and squinted at the glowing numerals on the clock by his bed. He'd been asleep for over an hour. What the hell had woken him up?

His comm buzzed, Nurse Riley's name lighting up the screen, and the small number in the corner of it told him he'd already missed three messages. Groaning, he flipped it open. "McCoy," he grunted.

"Hey," said Julia, sounding guilty. "Sorry to wake you, chief."

"S'fine," muttered Leonard, pushing his hair out of his eyes as he sat up slowly. "I was already up. What happened?"

"Well, you don't need to come in for this, but I thought I should tell you anyway, in case you wanted to," said Julia. Her voice lowered, and Leonard frowned; why was she whispering? "Tori just got here, she had an accident in the lab and she's got burns all over her hands. Dr. M'Benga's treating her, but I thought –"

"Tell him not to touch her until I get there," snapped Leonard, interrupting her. Shutting the comm without waiting for Julia's response, he ignored the pounding in his head and practically ran to the bathroom, splashing cold water onto his face. When he glanced in the mirror, he saw that his eyes were bloodshot. Ignoring them, he walked out of the bathroom to locate his shoes, and his eyes rested on the empty bottle lying on the floor, and the shattered glass next to it. Fantastic.

Stopping only long enough to inject a hypospray into his neck to get rid of any alcohol still in his system, he left his quarters and headed for the turbolift. As he barked out his destination and the doors closed slowly, he leaned back against the wall, exhaling deeply. "… she's got burns all over her hands…" Leonard swallowed thickly. Victoria More was a grown woman and could take care of herself, he knew that, but damn it all if his heartrate didn't get dangerously high every time he found out she was in trouble.

As he entered Sickbay, he spotted a single bio-bed with the curtains drawn around it, indicating a need for privacy, and two other beds with ensigns sitting on them, being tended to by nurses. Julia was leaning against the wall opposite them, working on a PADD. She looked up when she heard his footsteps.

"I didn't think you'd come," she said. Her eyes narrowed the closer he came, and Leonard knew she was looking at his rumpled shirt, messy hair, and bloodshot eyes. He merely held out his hand for the PADD wordlessly. Sighing, Julia handed it over, and led him towards the curtained bio-bed.

Leonard didn't need to announce himself; as soon as Julia opened the curtain for him, Victoria looked up, and she seemed startled to see him. M'Benga, on the other hand, didn't even flinch, continuing to carefully scan Victoria with a tricorder. Her hands, resting palms-up on her lap, were an angry shade of red, and the smell of burnt flesh was lingering in the air.

"I thought you were sleeping, Chief," M'Benga said, by way of greeting. He looked up from the screen of his tricorder and quirked up an eyebrow at Julia, who was hovering behind Leonard. "Did Julia tell you I needed some help?"

"I was already up," said Leonard shortly. He pulled up Victoria's medical chart on his PADD to avoid looking at either his colleagues, or Victoria. "I got this, Geoff."

"No worries, I'm almost done here," said M'Benga. "They're just third degree burns, I can –"

"Dr. M'Benga, I said I've got this," snapped Leonard, and his voice was so harsh that M'Benga blinked up at him in surprise. "There's two other ensigns outside, you can check 'em out."

"Okay," said M'Benga slowly. He gave Victoria a searching look, as if asking her if she was okay with his departure, but she merely smiled wanly. He put the tricorder back on the table and left, drawing the curtain around the bio-bed behind him.

When his footsteps – and an unintelligible, but whispered conversation between Julia and him – died away, Victoria spoke. "There's nothing you can do that he can't," she said softly. "He was right, they're just burns. There's no classified medical problem here."

"I don't care what is and isn't classified," said Leonard. He picked up the tricorder, scanning her again from head to toe again to reassure himself. "What the hell happened?" he demanded. "Julia just told me you burned your hands, said there was some kind of accident in your lab."

"Why would she – never mind," Victoria sighed. "It was an accident, but with someone else's experiment. The sample was going to explode, so I picked up the test tube to throw it out, but it blew up in my hands before I could."

Leonard froze. "You did what?"

"I can't believe she called you when there's no medical procedure to perform," said Victoria, ignoring his expression. "Look, it's really not a big deal. M'Benga was going to give me a hypo and something to get rid of these burns by tomorrow, so you can just –"

"Stop talking," interrupted Leonard. The more she spoke, the worse his headache got, and now he was sure it was because worrying about her was going to give him an aneurysm. "Here's how this is gonna work: I'm gonna ask you a question, and you're just gonna say yes or no, no explanations. And we're gonna repeat the damn process until I'm satisfied. Clear?"

Victoria quirked up an eyebrow in amusement, clearly not offended by his tone. "Clear."

"You picked up a test tube of a substance that was going to explode?"

"Yes. It was just –"

"– not what I asked," he interrupted. "It exploded before you could throw it out of the lab?" Victoria nodded. "Did you know you'd end up with severe burns to your palms and wrists, and probably spend a night in Sickbay for your troubles?" She shrugged. Leonard groaned. "You're gonna kill me."

Victoria rolled her eyes. "Can I speak now?" she asked. Leonard didn't answer and turned to the instrument tray by the bed, replacing the tricorder and searching for the hyposprays he needed. "Leonard, it was a reflex, okay? Someone could have gotten hurt."

"Someone did," he bit out.

"I can handle it," said Victoria defensively. "It was a room full of ensigns, they don't need to spend a night in Sickbay."

"And you do?"

"Well, if the company is right…" Victoria trailed off, and giggled when he whirled around to face her, still glaring. "What? You can flirt, but I can't?"

"This ain't the time," he said, but his voice was softer now. She was still smiling, and the tricorder results showed that, other than her hands, there was nothing else wrong with her. "You could've gotten seriously hurt, darlin'."

"I could get hurt anywhere on this ship, would you rush down to Sickbay when you're supposed to be asleep just because I sprained my ankle walking down the hallway?" asked Victoria, giggling at her own joke. When Leonard didn't answer and merely held up the hypospray he had to give her, her smile faltered. "Oh."

"Yeah," he said simply. Victoria bit her lip, and he indicated for her to tilt her head. "Pain relief, and to clear up the blisters by tomorrow."

Victoria mumbled her thanks and turned her head. As Leonard injected the hypospray into her neck, he noticed the marks marring her otherwise clear skin, and frowned. "What're these?" he asked, brushing his fingers against them.

"You should know what those are. You're the one who told me I'd scar if I kept using the hypos myself."

"Ah." Of course, he had said that. And of course, she had scarred, because they had been avoiding each other. "I'll bring 'em to you next time."

"See that you do," said Victoria, smiling a little. "Are we done here?"

"Not a chance," snorted Leonard. "You're stayin' the night."

Victoria's eyes widened. "You're joking."

"I'm not," said Leonard. He sat down on the bed next to her and pulled the instrument tray closer, nodding to her hands. "Give 'em."

Reluctantly, Victoria handed over her left hand, and he cradled it in both of his carefully before pulling on gloves and getting ready to clean and dress her burns. The hypospray meant that Victoria didn't feel anything as he poked and prodded at the angry welts already forming on her palms, but she doubted she would have felt any pain anyway. Despite his gruff tone, and the fact that she was sure he had been asleep five minutes before he'd walked up to her bedside, his hands were steady and every move was as meticulous and gentle as ever. And even though she knew, theoretically, that she shouldn't be able to feel the burns on her hands anymore, that didn't change the fact that the warm feeling spreading from the tips of her fingers up her arms was making her all-too-aware of his fingers curled around her own.

"So," she said conversationally, trying to think of a way to distract herself. "You were asleep?"

"No," said Leonard, not looking up from what he was doing. "Hold still."

"I am still. And you're lying."

"Doesn't matter, darlin'. You're still spending the night here."

"Will you be here?"

Finally, Leonard looked up. "Why?"

Victoria shrugged, trying to control the blush creeping up her neck. "Just wondering. You're not supposed to be on shift."

"You know my shift schedule?"

"I – no, of course not," said Victoria immediately, unable to quell her blush now. "I just assumed."

"Sure you did." Chuckling, Leonard finished cleaning and bandaging one hand, and picked up the other one from her lap without invitation. "And yeah, I'll be here. Someone's gotta make sure you don't try and make a run for it."

"I'm an excellent patient. You really don't have to stay."

"I don't have to, darlin', but I will," said Leonard. He finished bandaging her hands and stood up, discarding the gloves. "You'll be fine by the morning. Just stay put 'till then."

Victoria groaned. "You seriously expect me to sleep here?"

"Don't care what you do, darlin', just stay inside Sickbay," he shrugged. "I'll check on you in a few hours, but you're gonna be fine."

Victoria made a face, but lay back on the bed obediently, folding her arms across her chest. Leonard tried not to smile and drew the curtains behind him as he headed to his office, mentally trying to calculate how many hours of sleep he'd had over the past week. Between his own responsibilities as CMO, the smattering of injuries that always seemed to be occurring on the Enterprise, and his latest undertaking of Dimitri Nikols' research, he had only managed to slip into his quarters twice a day to shower, replicate the fastest meal he could think of, and finally earlier that day to get some sleep. He was completely exhausted, which should have explained his unsettling dreams, but he knew it was more than that.

As he sunk into his chair, he turned on his computer and the screen flashed to the last file he'd opened, from his repository of Dr. Nikols' research. Wincing, he quickly closed the file; the last thing he needed was Victoria wandering into his office and seeing her name – her real name – blazoned across his screen.

Unfortunately, the next thing on his screen didn't help his mood. His email was open, and the message he had received from his ex-wife's lawyer the previous night was practically taunting him, the cursor blinking next to the 'reply' button; as if there was something to be said in response to that. As Leonard reread it, he had the sudden urge to open the third drawer of his desk and pull out the flask he had never, ever touched while on duty. Tonight, however, he was tempted. He didn't have any more patients, and he wasn't supposed to be here anyway; he was only staying because he wanted to check on Victoria at some point. That didn't entail practising any medicine, after all… Flexing his fingers, he opened the drawer slowly.

And then, the door to his office slid open.

"Your office counts as Sickbay, and neither one of us is sleeping yet," said Victoria, walking in without invitation. Ignoring his surprised expression, she sat down on the chair opposite his desk and kicked off her shoes, tucking her legs under her. "If you're making me spend the night here, the least you can do is give me company." When Leonard didn't answer, she gave him a sheepish grin. "Or I can go, if you want."

"No," said Leonard immediately. Clenching his hand into a fist, he leaned back in his chair, way from the still-open drawer. "S'alright."

"Okay," said Victoria slowly. "I mean… are you sure? I was just kidding, I can go if you're busy."

"I'm sure," said Leonard. He attempted to fix a smile onto his face. "How'd you get in here without buzzing?"

"I saw you input your code once and memorised it."

Leonard raised his eyebrows. "I don't think you're allowed to do that, darlin'."

"Probably not," Victoria shrugged. "Who's going to tell?"

"Not me," he chuckled, even though he didn't feel like smiling. But Victoria was still looking at him, a little suspiciously, so he tried to change the subject again. "You stop overworking yourself yet?"

"I did, but now that you won't let me go back to my lab tonight, I'll probably have to work overtime for the next few days," she said, a little grumpily. "Did I mention I'm fine?"

"You did. Fortunately, I don't have to listen to you."

"You're one to talk. You're telling me you don't have paperwork open on your computer right now, even though you're technically off-shift?"

"I don't," he answered honestly, but as his eyes drifted back to the screen, the opened email made him grimace again.

Victoria cleared her throat, a little awkwardly. "Okay, I get it, you're just being polite. I'm going to go."

As she stood up, avoiding his eye, Leonard made a split-second decision. "No," he said quickly. "Just… hang on a sec."

Victoria sat back in her chair patiently, giving him a look of encouragement he couldn't fully accept. For a few seconds, Leonard hesitated. He hadn't told anyone about the message, or even why he'd gotten it in the first place, but Victoria was different. And it was because she was different that he desperately wanted to hide this from her. The fact that she was interested in him was already a miracle; the last thing he wanted was to push her even further away by confessing something he'd worked hard to keep a secret from almost everyone on the ship. But what he hated more than anything else was seeing her look at him like that, confused and unsure, as if he didn't want her around. She needed to know it wasn't her that was the problem right now, it was him.

Wondering how much he'd regret his decision, Leonard gestured for her to come to his side of the desk, and Victoria stood up from the chair immediately. She didn't ask to read his screen, but Leonard didn't try to stop her, and she knelt down slightly to see the computer better. As soon as she came closer, Leonard was distracted; her face was right next to hers, and if he turned his head slightly, he caught a whiff of the now-familiar scent of jasmine. It was enough to calm him slightly, and he finally refocused on her voice: she was reading out loud, skimming through the long email quickly under her breath.

"Dear Dr. McCoy, your request to shift custody of your daughter, Joanna McCoy, to Mrs. Ellen McCoy in your absence is unacceptable to my client… unavailability over the past three years… previous behaviour… revoke partial custody and grant you supervised visitation…" Victoria trailed off, but Leonard didn't look at her. "What is this?" she asked. "Is this from your ex-wife?"

"Her lawyer, yeah."

"They won't let you see Joanna?" asked Victoria. When Leonard didn't immediately answer, she bit her lip. "I'm sorry, I'm being intrusive. You don't have to –"

"Relax, darlin'," said Leonard. He jerked his head towards the empty chair opposite his desk. "Just sit down so you don't move your hands too much." Victoria obeyed immediately, and Leonard turned off the screen again, unwilling to look at the message for too long. "We have this fight every few months, Pam and me, but she's never taken it this far. Joanna acts out sometimes, because she got sent to boarding-school and she hates it, and Pam blames me for the way she's bein'. When I'm out here I ask my grandmother to take her in for a few weeks during the holidays, so Joanna can still see my family when I'm gone. Now, Pam's decided it's too disruptive and she won't let Joanna see anyone from my family. She won't even let me talk to her. She hasn't answered my emails in weeks."

"Is that legal?" asked Victoria incredulously. "Don't you have joint custody?"

"Sure, but Pam's datin' her lawyer and I'm a three-day transmission away from mine," snorted Leonard. "She always finds some kind of loophole to get what she wants. She ain't a bad mother, I'll give her that, but she doesn't like me, and she doesn't hide it."

"Keeping a child away from her father doesn't make her a good mother either," said Victoria bluntly. "I'm sorry if that's out of line, but it's the truth. You're a good person, and anyone who's seen you with Joanna knows you're a good dad."

"I wasn't always a good dad, darlin'."

"What do you mean?" she asked. And then, she winced again. "Sorry. You don't have to answer that either."

"You can stop bein' sorry, I wouldn't have told you this much if I planned on keeping any part of it a secret," said Leonard dryly. Victoria gave him a small smile in reply, but he couldn't bring himself to return it. "I locked myself in a hotel room for two weeks and drank myself to sleep every night after my wife left," he forced himself to say. Despite the fact that Victoria's expression didn't crack at his confession, he looked away and focused on a corner of his desk, avoiding her eyes. "She didn't give me any warnin' either, although now that I think about it I guess I should've seen it comin'. We got married too young and grew apart, sure, but she felt like I'd robbed her of ten years of her life, and she wanted revenge. So, one night I came back home after a thirty-hour shift, and she was gone. And so was my daughter."

"Leonard," Victoria sighed. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean –"

"I know you didn't mean anythin' by it but I'm no angel, darlin', and Pam knows that," said Leonard, still refusing to look at her. "She went back to her parents, and her dad wouldn't let me see her or Joanna. Just handed me divorce papers and told me to sign 'em or he'd make sure I'd never see my kid again. So I signed 'em, without even readin' 'em. I gave up everything I had in exchange for joint custody, sure, but even that was at Pam's discretion. The alimony would've bankrupted me twice over if I hadn't joined Starfleet."

"You don't have to talk about this, if it's hard," said Victoria. "I just – I don't know why she'd do that to you."

"She thought she deserved better. Hell, even I think she did. I don't blame her for wantin' out of the marriage, but the way she did it threw me. And now…" he trailed off, unable to think of anything else to say. "Well, she's just doin' it to make me suffer a bit. I wouldn't care if she'd let me talk to my kid."

"You're allowed to be upset about it, you know," said Victoria. "I don't know what I'd do if I walked into my house and found my kid and spouse gone."

"Yeah, well," Leonard shrugged. "I deserved it."

"Of course you didn't."

"There's two families in Georgia who'd disagree with you, darlin'."

"Well, they're wrong," said Victoria firmly. "Out of everyone I've ever met, you didn't deserve to have your family walk out on you, Leonard. And yes, I know what you're going to say," she added, when he tried to interrupt. "You're going to say I don't know the whole story, and if I had been there I'd probably take Pam's side too." When he started smiling at how easily she'd read his mind, she rolled her eyes. "I don't know how long you've held on to that belief and I doubt I can convince you you're wrong in a few minutes, but you are wrong. And human beings aren't supposed to be angels, Leonard. We all make mistakes."

"Parents shouldn't make mistakes that can affect their kid's lives."

"Kids are more resilient than you think," said Victoria. "Jim's a living example of it. Hell, so am I. And anyway, your daughter is what, eleven? Her acting out isn't because of you, Leonard, it could also be for you. She probably just misses you."

"I know she does," said Leonard. "But I can't see her as often as I want, or even talk to her. Pam's lawyers have all these conditions and if I don't follow 'em, I'll lose whatever contact I already have with her. I just…" he gestured to the computer helplessly. "I don't know how to fight it, darlin'. If I was there –"

"Don't do that," interrupted Victoria gently. "Ifs don't help in this situation, trust me."

Leonard smiled bitterly. "Then what can I do?"

"For one thing…" Victoria bit her lip and stood up, coming back to his side of the desk. Leonard leaned back in his chair and raised his eyebrows at her, but Victoria merely stepped closer until her hip was pressing against his arm. As she bent down so their faces were almost level, Leonard felt his mouth go dry. He had no idea what she was about to do; in fact, he had no idea what he wanted her to do. What he didn't expect, however, was for her lips to suddenly twitch, and a sharp click to sound. As she straightened up, Leonard realised she had used to foot to close the drawer he'd accidentally left open when she'd walked into his office. "No more drinking," she said quietly. "Specially not when I'm your patient."

He froze. "How did you –"

"I snuck a peek when I realised you've been trying really hard not to look down ever since I walked in," said Victoria. She sat down on the edge of his desk and gave him a sad smile. "You don't want to do this, trust me."

"I wasn't –" he tried to defend himself.

"I know," she said softly. "But I thought I'd get rid of the temptation anyway."

Leonard didn't answer. He knew he should feel embarrassed, awkward, even a little angry; those were all emotions he'd had every time Jim, Julia, or even Uhura had tried to broach the subject of his ex-wife, his daughter, or his tendency to drink himself to sleep when he was stressed. But Victoria's expression – sad, understanding, but entirely free of judgement – made his previous reactions seem unnecessary.

"You really should get some sleep," he said finally. "It's late."

"You're not sleeping, are you?" she asked knowingly. When he gave her a sheepish smile, she sighed. "Fine. Good thing I don't need much sleep."

Leonard frowned. "What're you gonna do?"

"Read. And when I get bored, distract you." She pulled her PADD out of her lab coat pocket, and smiled, heading back to the chair opposite his desk. "But I figure you won't say no to the company."

"I won't, but –"

"Don't argue," interrupted Victoria. "You wanted us to be friends, right? This is what friends do."

"Alright," said Leonard slowly. His head was spinning a little with how quickly Victoria had just… moved on. Even now, as he mechanically turned on his computer and picked up his PADD to pull up his files to get ahead on his paperwork, she settled into the uncomfortable chair opposite his desk and carefully navigated her own PADD with her bandaged fingers, looking ready to sit opposite him all night. Not talk, or question, or judge; just sit.

Leonard was still worried about Joanna, and he knew he needed to email his lawyers and see if they could sort out the situation in his absence. He had to send a message to his mother, and his grandmother, and tell them what had happened. But he couldn't come up with the words, not when he'd spent the whole night alternating between drinking and staring at his computer, and then waking up to the news that Victoria was injured.

Feeling him looking at her, Victoria caught his eye and quirked an eyebrow. Leonard gave her a half smile and tore his eyes away, the lingering need to pull out the flask of whiskey all but gone. Suddenly, there was nowhere else he'd rather be than sitting opposite her, doing paperwork all night.