Star vs The Forces of Evil
The Ballad of Earth-Mewni
Disclaimer: Star vs The Forces of Evil was created by Daron Nefcy and is owned by Disney. I own no part of Star vs.
Episode 39: Full Circle
Episode Summary: Star faces another therapy session with Cassandra Cher, whom she has not spoken with since the end of Manfred's evil scheme. Can whatever bridges need to be mended be mended? And how far has Star come since the day she broke her mirror & nearly died?
Original Release Date: April 25, 2021
Tap...tap...tap...
Star's foot hit the ground repeatedly, her nervous energy permeating with each tap. She, alongside Marco, sat outside Cassandra Cher's office, awaiting to be called in by her. It was time for yet another therapy session. It was difficult to fathom that Star had already been in intense therap for the better part of five months. So much about them and life around them had changed since then, since the Cleaving. Between magic returning briefly, the Magic High Commission pulling off the mask & exposing themselves as irredeemable traitors, the group of angry mewmans nearly pulling off a conspiracy to lock River up & shatter the new political regime, Star's depressive & suicidal spiral, and Manfred nearly toppling everything they've worked so hard to build due to a misjustice from his past, it's been one hell of a half year for everyone involved.
"You sure you're okay?" Marco asked, holding Star close to him & giving her forehead kisses.
"...Meh, I'll be fine." She answered rather shakingly. "It's just...what if I say something I'll regret?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, Marco, she did technicall lie to me. She kept the fact that magic was still around away from me."
"Are you mad at her for it?"
She shrugged & rubbed her arm. "I don't...think so? I mean I'm sure she was trying to protect me. Maybe she thought...I wasn't strong enough to handle that truth?"
"If that's the case, then I'd like to think you proved her wrong."
Always the gentleman he was. She sheepishly smiled & kissed him. "Thanks. But I'm not out to prove her or anyone wrong. Just to live my best life & make the world a better place. And coming here has so helped with that."
But before Star could go any further with her thought, the door slowly swung open, and Cassandra popped her head out. "I'm ready for you." She smiled before closing the door. With a deep breath & holding each other's hand, Star & Marco composed themselves and went through the door; Cassandra was sitting in her customary chair across from the sofa. She silently smiled towards the two, receiving warm smiles back. The two of them took their seats on the couch. Or rather, Star had Marco take his seat first, then silently asked him to put his right hand out, palm-side up, so she could comfortably take her seat next to him & allow him to hold her tush, as has become customary for them whenever they sit together. She insisted on this arrangement, and he was always floored how open she was about it. Cassandra always found it amusing herself. "And how are you two?"
"We're...we're hanging in there." Star said nervously, looking over at her boyfriend.
"Could be a lot worse." Marco added.
"It's been a wild few months. Wild year, really..." Star breathed loudly to help calm herself. Her ability to keep her composure from the dark clouds had vastly improved since the early days of the new world. The new medication regime she was on since her heart surgery was also a contributing factor.
"How have you been lately? Mood wise?"
"Oh I've been good, actually. Much better." Star smiled. "Nowhere near like it was when I first started out with you."
"You look like you're in much better spirits."
"Well I've been sleeping a lot better. And I mean I actually sleep now, it's not just me closing my eyes and then waking up 16 hours later still feeling like dirt. Now, when I sleep, I actually sleep. Marco can attest to that." She turned to him and gave a cheesy grin. "Right, honey?" The last thing Marco wanted was to get flustered around Star during this session, but with her, it was nearly impossible to hold back. "It still gets him stir crazy when I'm snoring like a lumberjack and I love it. He gets so red in the face, it's adorable." And he demonstrated her point by going red in his face & awkwardly smiling at her; she topped her rant off with a kiss. And even Cassandra had to share in a chuckle.
"She has been sleeping a lot better, lately." Marco supported her claim. "She sleeps right through the night and more often than not, she wakes up refreshed and in a great mood."
"Oh that's wonderful to hear." Cassandra was delighted to be alerted of Star's progress. Despite the ups and downs, Cassandra had been with Star since her & Marco's getaway, guiding her through the trials & tribulations that came with her issues; her anxiety, her depression, her sleep deprivation, her self-loathing, her PTSD, not to mention her physical damage. To now see it paying off in dividends was an incredible reward for her. "That's such a far cry from where you started."
"It is!" And the excitement of said progress was obvious from Star's joyful expression. This was not at all the same girl that nearly bled out during to smashing a glass mirror in total frustration nearly five months prior. "I actually wake up refreshed & happy now. Well, at least more than I did when this whole thing started."
"But the hard times still come and go, don't they?"
Star nodded somberly. One thing that became clear to Stat throughout this ordeal was that it was never going to be as simple as "getting over her depression." Mental illness doesn't work like that. Anxiety, PTSD, Depression don't work like that. It was a constant, everyday battle to overcome her demons & put the past behind her. "It hasn't been nearly as bad lately as it was in the start. I'm not as angry with myself anymore, not as...self-hating, not as..."
"...Suicidal?"
Star never had any intention of committing the act. For one, despite all the dark clouds she's had to endure in recent months, she never lost sight of the fact that there was such a bright future for her to look forward to: marrying Marco, raising a family with him, growing her place in the orphanage, bonding with her family & friends, etcetera. She kept that close to her heart. The other factor, however, was one rooted in the depth of despair: when she truly felt like she deserved to be punished, shouldn't she want to stay around to receive said punishment? "I never wanted to off myself. I just used to feel like I...like I had no business screwing up people's lives, that's all."
"Do you still feel that way?
She shook her head softly. "Not nearly as much as I used to. I...haven't really had any kind of meltdown since we had that day out before my heart surgery. And the last really bad one was...right after my sleepwalking incident. I was a complete wreck..."
"But you pulled out of it, didn't you?" Marco praised her, giving her another kiss. "Because you're way stronger than you give yourself credit for."
Despite his attempts to praise her, Star suddenly found herself feeling every so slightly smug. "I wouldn't say that. Because I'm getting better at giving myself credit & not wallowing in self-loathing. I'm not all the way back yet, but I don't even recognize the girl that was a blubbering mess because her loved ones tried to make her take it easy during the summer. And sometimes I feel really stupid about the way I behaved."
"Recovery from trauma is ugly." Cassandra stepped in. "And a pain-staking process. It'll never be quick & easy. But having the strength of your support network and caring for yourself is what's necessary to pull out of your rut."
"Oh you said it! And I've got a whole assortment of self-care methods at my disposal now!"
"Like what, exactly?"
"Well, every morning I do a round of yoga to help destress & maximize relaxation. When I'm alone for a few minutes I meditate a little. I keep myself in constant check nowadays so that if I'm overworking or overexerting, I step back to take a break instead of running myself ragged like I did with Eclipsa. And, like, nobody has given me a hard time for it. Not my mom, not my dad, not Eclipsa, not even my job."
"You mean jobs?" Nothing could get by Cassandra, as she smartly noted Star actually had two part-time jobs: the one at the orphanage, where she spent the majority of her time, and her job at the pet shelter. About that...
"No, just job. See I...I'm actually going to quit the job I have at the shelter." Star confessed; it was the first time such a revelation was being revealed, and it took both Cassandra & Marco by surprise.
"But I thought you liked that job."
"Oh I do! The animals are great to take care of. But..."
"But what?"
"I don't know, the hours aren't really working out for me, it's starting to get to a point where I'm getting fatigued going from both jobs, and...well, to be honest...I'm just more attached to the orphan children. I've just...clicked with them."
"They do love you."
"Did I ever tell you about the time they threw me an impromptu surprise party my first day back at work?"
"Did they?" Cassandra spoke, perked with excitement.
"Oh it was the cutest thing ever! See..."
[Flashback]
It was bright & early in the morning. It was the day Star was cleared to go back to work at the orphanage for the first time since her surgery. Dressed up in her now signature pink jacket, & dark green strapped dress ensemble, she yawned & opened the door to the orphanage, turning on the lights as she entered. She was expecting that the children would be up in the sleeping quarters, awaiting a visit from her to be awakened. This time, however, it was a different matter.
When Star turned on the light, she was greeted immediately with the sounds of loud cheering, specifically loud cheering from the children. They were gathered all around the lobby, with poster drawings of them & Star scattered on the walls. Miles, of course, was front and center, cheering the loudest. Once Star came to, she felt her eyes swelling with tears of pride. "Aww, you guys..." She said through her quivering lips. "Did you throw me a party?"
"Yes!" Miles yelled, dashing towards Star as quickly as his tiny legs would carry him. When he approached, he started jumping up repeatedly & clapping, trying to get Star in a festive mood. He reached out his hand, she took it & found herself led into the kitchen, where on the table she discovered several pieces of paper by each chair, each with a drawing of a specific meal that they had wanted to cook for her. Only problem was none of them knew how to actually cook. Still, she was incredibly touched by the gesture.
"Aww, did you guys want to make me food?" They all nodded in unison. She knelled down & brought them all in for a hug. "That's so sweet. But I'm the one that's supposed to take care of you guys. It's my job to make the food." They knew she was right, but the disappointment was still palpable. "Don't feel sad, babies. You all did a wonderful job welcoming me back. Tell you what? Why don't I make you all breakfast, and then I'll take you all to the park to play! You like that?" The thought of getting to play with Star in a wide open park with other people made them all jump for joy, loudly cheering & smothering Star with hugs & kisses. Yup, she was officially back, and nobody was happier for it than Star.
[End Flashback]
"That's so sweet." Marco said, caressing his girlfriend's cheek while she held back tears of her own.
"It was wonderful! I really feel at home with those kids. And I really just wanna devote the time I have to them when I'm not with you or working with my family or hanging with friends. Unfortunately, that just means I don't have any more time to devote to the animal shelter. I feel awful about it, but sometimes taking care of yourself & doing what you want means making choices that not everyone's going to like."
"Exactly." Cassandra was thrilled to hear Star come around.
"Well at least now I'm in a position where I can make decisions for myself that benefit me without having to put so much worry over the larger ramifications. I hated that about the monarchy. Not to mention I was never really good at it."
"You know nobody agrees with you, right?"
Star loudly groaned. "Yeah, I know. But sometimes those negative thoughts...you know, they just pop out of nowhere and bring me down."
"What do you do when that happens?" Cassandra asked her.
"Well, I...I sit myself down and try some deep breathing, meditation, etcetera. Sometimes it helps right away & the bad thoughts go away. But sometimes it doesn't work that fast, and when that happens, I usually just find something to hug. Like my Marco doll, or Marco, or..."
"One time Star was having it really rough, and she tried to lock herself away in her room. She thought her folks would be embarrassed or something if they saw her like that." Marco continued. "But then they all convened around her room & started hugging her & showering her with love & reassuring her that everything would be okay. It was really sweet."
"I don't like to cry in front of my family." Star admitted.
"Why's that?" Was Cassandra's next question.
"I just feel embarrassed. Like...I feel like I should put on this little front of strength for them. I'm a Butterfly, after all. I may not be "royal" anymore, but that stigma is never going to leave me. The monarchy might be over, but my family is still involved politically. Turns out bringing together two completely different dimensions together to live peacefully as one is much harder than I thought. So I still have to at least look like I know what I'm doing, and...that can take its toll sometimes. But in the past, I never had any room to show any sort of vulnerability. 'I was a princess.' I HAD to be strong all the time. It was kind of drilled into my head, and it screwed me up a lot more than I thought it had. But that's not how it is anymore. My folks - especially my mom - are always on me making sure I don't keep anything in. If I'm feeling overwhelmed or stressed or down, I can tell them and they're super understanding about it."
"Well they know what you went through." Marco commented, giving her a hug. "And I think they've finally come around on just how damaging the whole "monarchy first & forever" mentality can be. Both to the people they're trying to serve and to your mental health."
"So I take it your relationships with your loved ones have been vastly improved?" Cassandra asked the former princess.
"Uh huh." Star nodded quickly. "Especially with my mom. Ever since Marco and I came home from our vacation trip, my mom has been insanely supportive of me & my ventures and hasn't stopped doting on me once. She's a completely different person, and...and sometimes I-I feel guilty for that."
"Why, though?"
"Because sometimes I feel like I'm responsible for making her into what she's become. She dotes on me so much now, she's always showering me with praise & affection. She's always wanting to hug me & tell me what a good job I've done. But...she's not the same person she was back when we were still a monarchy. I want to like it, but..."
"The way I see it, your mom & your folks are trying to make up for lost time. Since they don't have to run a whole kingdom anymore - by themselves at least - they have more time to actually be a family with you. Isn't that a good thing?"' Marco proposed to her, an idea that she just couldn't bring herself to agree with as much as she wanted to.
"Yeah it should be. It's just...it's just a weird feeling...one that I thought I'd be past by now." By this point Marco knew his girlfriend well enough to detect when she tensed up. He started to rub her shoulders & smother her face with kisses, quickly perking her back up. "She really is trying, and I wanna be grateful for it. When it's not Marco, it's my mom making me meals in bed. She likes to carry me from room to room like I'm still a baby sometimes, she gushes about me when she's talking about me to other people...it's so sweet but I...I can't help but feel a little ashamed of it sometimes. I still have that mindset sometimes where I feel like I need to "earn" her love & respect, so when I get it despite not doing anything, I don't...feel right. It's getting easier to deal with, but I still get those bad moments where I feel unworthy of that love."
"But you're not unworthy." Marco kissed her again. "That's what you have to remind yourself of every day. You're worthy, you always have been worthy, and you always will be worthy."
"I can't wait to finally believe that wholeheartedly. Everyone won't stop telling me that."
"Just goes to show how good of a support network you have. Your family, my family, our friends..."
"Oh my gosh, our friends have been the best in dealing with me over the past few months." Star said, grinning as she thought over everyone in her life. "From Kelly back in her world, Pony Head, Marco's friends..." Star turned back to Cassandra. "To say they've gone above and beyond for me is an understatement."
"How so?"
"Well..." And a bit of a pained look returned to her face as she turned back to Marco, whose comforting smile helped keep the rain clouds at bay. "The other day, once I was completely cleared medically, Marco arranged for...for Tom and I to have a playdate of sorts."
Naturally, Cassandra raised her eyebrow & turned her attention to Marco. "Is that so?" He nodded quickly.
"Actually, it was...it was my idea this time." Star admitted, rubbing her arm unconsciously & shying away from the other two.
"...Is that so?"
Somberly, Star nodded. "B-But it's not what you think. Or maybe it's exactly what you think. There's still parts of my life that I...that I feel like I need to address, or "fix," I guess. My relationship with Tom is one of them. Everyone keeps saying it's not true, but...I don't agree. And I still felt like there's some unfinished business with him."
"Why?"
"Well, back when I was done working for Eclipsa, Tom and I were supposed to go on this long, interdimensional vacation together, and I...I flaked on him."
"Yes, I recall that. Why did you do that again?"
"Well, long story short, I think I was wrestling with a lot at the time. Between being completely burnt out on anything Mewni-related to wrestling with my feelings for Marco...all I wanted was to be comfortable. A trip with Tom didn't sound very comfortable, even though I really wanted to for a time. But as soon as I went back to Earth & stopped by Marco's house...I felt home again. But I also feel like I never...properly apologized to him for flaking on him."
"It's like we say: 10th time's the charm." Marco playfully, but backed off when he looked over and saw an annoyed glare at Star. She knew he was trying to joke with her, but really, Marco. Time and place.
"So Marco arranged for Tom and I to have a...playdate of sorts..."
[Flashback]
The playdate in question consisted of two parts. The first was a trip to Tom's home in the underworld; he brought her to their lake house, where she was treated to a lovely day of playing board games, reminiscing on older memories, watching dumb movies with the family, etcetera. One wouldn't imagine that just a year ago Wrathmeilor was internally seething with outrage over Star cheating on her precious son & not copping to it. Today, however, she was doting all over Star like she was her daughter-in-law-to-be. The constant activities were enough to distract Star from whatever internal guilt she might've still been feeling over everything.
After the visit with the Lucitors, they returned to Earthni & found themselves heading to the local park to enjoy the scenery & hang out with a picnic. While those around them enjoyed frolicing in the fields chasing one another or playing games like catch or baseball or anything of the sort, Star & Tom had themselves a quiet afternoon on their picnic blanket. Tom in particular seemed to be enjoying himself, chowing down on the food they had with them. As for Star, she found herself spacing out as she looked out at everyone else having a good time.
"...Star?" The sound of his voice was enough to jerk her out of her trance. "You good?"
"Oh, uh, y-yeah, yeah, I'm good." She lied.
"...you sure? We can...cut this short if y-"
"No! No no no NO we are NOT doing that. I am not flaking out on you again! We're here and you're having a good time and gosh darnit that's all that matters!" In an effort to quickly quail her rising tensions, she sought after one of the sandwiches laid out on their picnic blanket & began aggressively chomping on it in a poor attempt to cover up her discomfort. Luckily, Tom wasn't buying any of it. He patted her shoulder & slowly brought her in for a hug. Unfortunately, she hadn't finished chewing her piece & started choking the second Tom hugged her. Naturally, the demon boy began panicking & hitting Star's back in order to make her cough up the unfinished piece of food.
After a brief moment of silence, the two shared a short laugh over the ordeal before returning to the pressing issue at hand. "You know...the trip wasn't all that bad."
"...The trip?"
"The one that you...bailed on. The one we were going to go on after the coronation."
She took a deep breath and looked at Tom straight on. "You sure?"
"Yeah, i-it was fun!"
"You didn't miss me?"
He had to hesitate before saying his next line. He was prone to not thinking through what he wanted to say. "Of course I missed you. But I...couldn't spend the whole time lamenting you not being there."
"Good. A-And I'm glad you didn't. I'm glad you had fun."
"And hey, it all worked out; I got that sweet trip and you finally got that beach day you kept talking about."
"Oh yeah, yeah I did. That was...fun..."
It didn't take a genius for Tom to realize what Star was now doing: she was going to play down her beach day with Marco in lieu of the trip she flaked on. "Sure beat the heck out of going on a trip, huh?" She raised an eyebrow his way and struggled to find the words. So he alieviated her of that trouble. "Come on, we both know that you would've been totally miserable had you gone with me."
"No, I know." Star sighed. "Still, I didn't really handle it very well. Actually, I can say that about...a lot of our second relationship."
"...maybe, but it all worked out in the end." She shrugged & took another bite of her sandwich. "That why you wanted this picnic today?"
"I know it's not as spectacular as an interdimensional trip, but I worked hard to prepare all this food and Marco helped so I hope we don't let any of it go to waste."
"So it was your idea? Not Marco's?"
Once again, Star couldn't fool him. Despite her exaggerated shocked expression, she knew she couldn't get it past him. "Actually, y-yeah...it was."
"...I see. But why?"
"Oh come on, you know why."
It was Tom's turn to sigh as he hugged her again. "You didn't have to do this."
"No, I know. But I wanted to." All of a sudden a smile crossed her face as she looked up at Tome with a sparkle in her eyes. "We...haven't really hung out that much since you and Janna started being a thing. And I guess...I kinda missed you a little..."
One could tell from Tom's face that he was floored by this revalation from Star. "Really?"
"I-I mean just a little..."
"Aww...I'm sorry..."
"No, don't apologize. It's not your fault. I...just let myself get in my own head sometimes, that's all."
"But...you don't have to..." Tom carressed her hair while Star wiped an incoming tear from her eye. "You could always just...say you wanna hang out."
"Wouldn't I be bothering you? You've got Janna to worry about now."
"We could always work stuff out." He reached towards the plate & took a sandwich, handing it to Star. "Now come on, eat. They're loaded with sugar."
She knew she couldn't stay upset for long, even if she wanted to. Her friends were too committed to helping her see the light in her darkest hours. "You know I can't say no to sugar."
[End Flashback]
"It was weird, but...I had fun." Star finished her story and turned back to Marco. "Thank you for that." And she followed it up with a kiss.
"Hey, anything for you."
"I'm just happy that my friends all still want to put up with me."
"You haven't had any persistent problems with any of your friends?" Cassandra asked, prompting Star's attention again.
"Nope. Me and Kelly are tighter than ever - speaking of which I'm hanging out with her tomorrow in her world - me and Marco's friends are all on good terms again, and then Janna & Jackie are as wonderful as they always are." Star's conflicting emotions for both Janna & Jackie were a recurring theme throughout the summer. Her attraction to Jackie was far more prominent & aggressive than her emotional crush on Janna, but she had a powerful fondness for both all the same.
"You really love hanging out with both of them."
"I do. Janna's totally out of this world. She's fearless, she's snarky, she's charming, she's comfortable. I like hanging out with her because she knows how to bring out my wild, fearless side. She gives no craps about what anyone thinks, she just does her thing & lives the way she wants. And I love that. I used to be like that. And I-I just want to get that back. Plus, don't tell her I told you this, but...she's a hugger." She leaned in and whispered those last three words, then broke out into giggling as Marco & Cassandra processed her information.
"And you know this...how?" Marco asked.
"Well, maybe it's just with me, because she always offers a hug to me when I start feeling down randomly."
"We all know Janna has a soft spot for you, Star. Maybe not like that, but she's your best friend besides me, we all know it."
A soft smile crossed Star's face as she chuckled. "Janna is really cool."
"And Jackie?" The second the word "Jackie" left Marco's lips, Star's face turned completely red. She had to bury it in her legs in a weak attempt to cover it up. "We're not judging you, Star. We're all friends here."
"I knooooow..." She playfully whined. "It'd be easier if she wasn't such a babe."
"Nothing new on that front?" Cassandra asked, prompting a silent chuckle from Marco.
"Nope, not since that sleepover Marco and I had with her. It was fun...even if it was also awkward as heck. I-I mean nothing happened there, it was just us having fun with games & small talk & movies and...some flirting here and there, b-but nothing beyond that."
"You don't feel like you're over whatever it is you're feeling for this girl?"
"Nope, definitely not." Star looked away again, trying to hide her redder face. The shame she was feeling was palpable. "I feel so stupid about this."
"But you shouldn't." Marco tried his damndest to reassure her. "If you think I'm upset, you shouldn't."
"No I know you're not, it's just-ugggh!" Now completely embarrassed, Star buried her face in the couch cushion, hoping to wait out until they decided to move on to another subject. Alas, it was not meant to be. They waited her out patiently until the silence became unbearable and Star was forced to come back up for air. "Oh this is so embarrassing..." It took all the courage within her to muster a look into Marco's sweet, loving eyes. Every look at those eyes helped melt away the anxieties & stresses of her life. "Promise me you won't be mad at what I'm about to say?" He was immediately taken aback by her request, but nodded & allowed her to breathe as she needed. "I...I was sort of hoping that something would happen during the sleepover...between you and Jackie." As soon as she was finished she shut her eyes tightly and tilted her head down, ashamed & afraid to look him in the eye again.
For Marco's part, he was left rather speechless. Now what could he possibly say in response to something like that. "...C-Can I ask why?"
"Why? Because I cannot for the life of me fathom how she wasn't your first time!"
"...But we weren't together that long. It was only a few months-"
"Yeah, don't you think I know that? It's my fault it happened that way!" She reached out & hugged Marco, desperate to have any sort of comfort before she allowed herself to sink into the abyss again. "Jackie should've been your first time, Marco. Not me."
"So...what? You were hoping things between me and her would get steamy or something and that would make everything "right" in your book?"
"I don't know, Marco! You try living every day with your mind telling you everything is your fault, and then you tell me how easy it is!" A loud sigh followed. "If you coulda just slept with her at that sleepover this would be all over!" She loudly sighed & stood up. She quickly began pacing around the room in a huff, desperate for any sort of emotinal relief. Marco stood up himselfv & approached her, comforting her with a kiss. The sweetheart charm always worked with her.
"Look...I'm sure in your head this all made sense to you. The idea that there's some sort of retrbution you need to pay because of what happened between you, me, and Jackie..."
"Of course there is. I screwed up everything. I was jealous of your relationship with her when I was the one that pushed you to ask her out. I brushed you off & held it against you when you came to Mewni, I screwed everything up between us a-and then the crap with Tom, and worst all, I...I completely invaded you and Jackie's privacy."
"...Our privacy? Ho-"
"I spied on you guys." She said bluntly before lowering her head and turning her back to him. She couldn't bare face him for fear of the anger he might exude. "More than once. W-With the All-Seeing Eye Spell. A-And that's when I knew I was jealous of you guys. And I had no right to be, it was my fault any of it happened. So I feel...I feel like I should be trying harder to make this happen just to, you know, balance the scales or something?"
"But why?"
"You know exactly why!" She shouted angrily before covering her mouth, fighting desperately to keep her composure together. Unfortunately, Marco's innocent, confused look made that difficult for her to do.
"...Uh...n-no, I don't..."
"Yes you do." Star paused & took a deep breath. If he was really going to make her spell it out for him, she had to be sure her nerves were in check. "You won't let me apologize to you. For anything." Marco's eyes shot wide open as he listened to Star's spiel. "Every time I've tried to apologize to you for the way I've ruined your life something gets in my way & thwarts my plans."
"What the heck are you talking about?"
"Remember when you were still trying to be my squire? The foot rubs, the taking over for me at political junctures, constantly calling me a princess? I made such a fuss about wanting to pay you back and then literally the first day I tried I completely broke down sobbing in your hallway & I haven't bothered trying since." She crossed her arms & slinked to the floor. "It's like I just can't win sometimes. And I know what you're gonna say. That you don't feel like I owe you anything. But that's not the point. I do. I feel like I owe you. I feel lilke I owe it to you to fix things to the way they used to be."
"But Star..."the way they used to be" would mean us not being together, and I know for a fact you don't want that."
"Of course I don't, but if I hadn't been unfairly jealous of you and Jackie..."
"Star, stop." He rushed over to her & put his hands on her shoulders, snapping her out of her spiral. "You can't do this to yourself. What's done is done." Despite him trying his best to look positive, she couldn't bare to face him. "I know you feel like you "owe" me. I just wish you could see that you don't."
"Maybe I don't. But...would you at least let me try again?"
"Is it really that important to you?" With another deep breath, Star stood up, grabbed Marco's shoulders & gently kissed him. Yes, it was that important to her. "...I'm sorry-"
"Tut tut, nope. No apologizing." She kissed him a second time. "You've only been trying to do right by me ever since everything got so chaotic. You've put up with so much from me, yet you're still here. You still have my back - and my backside-" She had to get that quip in, just for the blush that overcame Marco's face. "-and you'll stop at nothing to make me smile. Don't I owe you the same?"
"Do you really think you haven't done anything for me?"
"N-No...but I feel like I should be doing more."
"You can't do everything for everyone." Cassandra intervened. "And if Marco here is satisfied with your level of effort, should that not be enough for you?"
Star nodded with a shrug. "It should be." She felt Marco's hand, gently clutching her cheek, pull her towards him. His loving brown eyesbrought a huge smile to her face.
"Look at you. Look at how far you've come." He said proudly. "Five months ago, you were under so much stress & pressure...you nearly killed yourself with your own self-loathing & guilt. You were in such a dark & desolate place. We were all so worried about you. But now look at you. Look at how much progress you've made, look at what you've done since the Cleaving."
A smile came to her face. Every time the thoughts of her lowest points reared their ugly heads, Star need only think back to the positive impacts she's had in the new world to quell their strength. "I guess I have done a lot, haven't I?"
"That really wasn't what we all had in mind when we started you on our "Staycation" plan, but..."
"But it still worked out." Her smile grew wider. "Marco, it was a wonderful summer. You and I got to do so much together. I got to hang out with my friends, both here and in the multiverse. I've grown closer to my own folks than I've ever been. I've got an amazing job where I get to watch over & care for wonderful babies who I can help mold into incredible people that can make a difference in this world. But the best part of all of this is...I get to experience it with you. My best friend. My rock. I don't know what I'd do without you in my life, and I'm so afraid I'm going to ruin it one day. T-The fact that I'm attracted to Jackie right now isn't helping things, o-o the fact that I'm depressed as all hell, b-but-"
"Just keep your eyes on how far you've come. You're not the same Star that was trapped in that dark abyss a few months ago."
"Are you seriously not mad at me for what I did?"
His face fell slightly. "...I didn't say that." And now Star's face fell. "I-I'm more disappointed than mad. But...that was a long time ago."
"It doesn't matter. It was still wrong. All of how I went about it was wrong! And I need...I need to do something to make it right. But you're so hellbent on not giving me a chance. And I know you think you're doing the right thing by forgiving me a-and I appreciate that but...it's not enough for me. I need you to let me do something to make things right."
"But what? You don't hav-"
"I don't know, just something! Anything! Ugh!" She broke apart from him & returned to the couch, frustratingly burying her head in her hands in an effort to calm herself. Marco was left awkwardly standing by himself in the middle of the room. The embarrassment & discomfort permeated the entire room. "Why do you always resist, Marco?"
"Actually that is a good question." Cassasndra intervened again, garnering their attention. "You seem content on sweeping her past transgressions under the rug while she's demonstrating an innate desire to atone for these transgressions. Why is that?"
It was a question that Marco had never considered. His mind immediately raced back to the past few months and his efforts to quell Star's stresses & keep her happy & stress-free. His efforts to alleviate her of her burdens more often than not blew up in everyone's faces. Whether it was his desire to resume his squire status & alleviate her of the burdens of being his girlfriend or his short-lived scheme to build a statue of her for all of Echo Creek to see, every effort he tried to make just resulted in more discomfort & disappointment, drenched in pain & tears. "Isn't that what I'm supposed to do as her boyfriend? Cherish her & protect her from the bad stuff around her? Make sure she's happy?"
"But why? Are you..."
"He's worried that I'm gonna "fall out of love with him" and leave." Star said bluntly, turning to the boy as he joined her back on the couch. "Aren't you?" A silent but rapid nod came from the boy, whose turn it now was to struggle to look his beloved in the eye. "But that's not going to happen."
"But how do you know?"
"Because it hasn't happened yet, if that's what you're asking." She took a deep breath; she didn't want another epic meltdown, and she knew this was a sore spot for her. "I told you...that whole time I was dating Tom, I never got over you. I only acted like I did because I had no idea how to handle any of my feelings. I had too much on my plate & I didn't handle any of it well, and the fact that I ever made you think that I fell out of love with you makes me want to just break everything in my room."
"Star, I know you want me to "punish" you, but you know I can't bring myself to do it."
"Then let me try to make up for it." She kept going to avoid him trying to brush it off. "Marco, I don't care what you say about things being in the past or this being a fresh start. It's not. Not until I make my amends with you. Nothing that happened between us is your fault. It's mine. And I just want a chance to even the score with us, balance the scales. I-I know you have your reasons for not wanting to put me in that position, but it's my choice. I want to do that. Will you let me try?"
Poor Marco. All the boy wanted to do was make Star feel like the angel that he saw her as. And all Star wanted was feel like she could finally clear the air between them & put one of the last pieces of her puzzle back in its place. "...Okay. Okay."
She put a hand on his shoulder & leaned in to kiss his cheek again. The last thing she ever wanted was for him to be sad. "Don't beat yourself up. I know why you do what you do. I know all you've ever tried to do was be there for me & make me happy. Please believe me, you've succeeded way more than you probably ever thought you could. You're the perfect boyfriend. And I will never take you for granted again." They embraced each other as tightly as they could. No matter how severed Star's emotional state might get at times, the bond between the two of them was completely unbreakable. "I think this is why I'm always sort of eager to let you take charge when we're in bed. It's one of the simplest things I feel like I can do to give you an edge, if that makes sense."
"It does, but I wish you wouldn't do that. It's no fun to worry that I'm not doing right by you or not letting you have fun with me."
The double take Star did was so visibly cued that it left Marco astonished. "Marco, I'm the one that struggles to stay awake throughout the whole thing, and that has nothing to do with you. It's just how I am. You've done absolutely nothing wrong. If anything, I'm happy when you take charge."
"You are?"
"Marco, you make me feel safe when I'm in your arms. When I'm with you, I know I'm always protected. Even under the covers." She could feel the pride radiating from his smile.
"You two are still sexually active, I see." Cassandra butted in.
"Oh yes, yes, absolutely yes." And Star didn't hesitate to brag about it. "And it's only been getting better and better. Marco is wonderful. He cradles me, he nurtures me, he protects me, and he makes me feel loved. And he's getting better at being assertive." Her face turned bright red as the idea of being feisty with him at that very moment suddenly felt incredibly appealing to her. "All summer I've been trying to make him feel comfortable calling me "Bubble Butt" ever since he told me he was physically attracted to me. And he's finally getting more comfortable calling me that." She turned to face him, and she saw that his face as well was bright red. "He's still so modest and I love him for that but goshdarnit he deserves to cut loose & not worry about me and I'm gonna make sure it comes true. Why do you think I insisted he put his hand out before we got started? That's been my thing for him everywhere we've gone. He'll never say it out loud but I know he gets a kick out of it. And when Marco's happy, I'm happy." Again she looked over at him, but then time she took note of the loving manner his brown eyes stared into hers. He was completely elated & enthralled with her. That was love. "I love you, Marco."
He leaned in & kissed her passionately on the lips, just narrowly avoiding having it get handsy in front of Cassandra. "I love you too. I don't know what I did to deserve you."
"You were you. That's more than enough."
"You know the same goes for you, right?"
She hesitated, but ultimately she nodded & smiled. "I'm getting there. I know I've come a long way from where I started. I've put so many of my demons to pasture & given myself closure on a lot of the problems I caused or believe I caused. And everyone's still here with me, everyone who means the world to me. Even the hot ex-girlfriend of my boy toy whom I can't stop staring at no matter how hard I try."
"Well, as long as you just remember that this is all a process & not an instant fix, I know you'll be fine." Cassandra said with a smile as she flipped the pages on her clipboard. "Just one more thing before we leave: am I to understand that Eclipsa's book is going to be released soon."
Star & Marco's eyes both lit up. "Oh shoot, I almost forgot!" Star exclaimed. "Yeah, y-yeah. I think it's supposed to come out next week or something."
"Yup, next week!" Marco shouted in a rather excited tone. The release of Eclipsa's book had been on his mind since she first brought it up several months prior. Star had initially been excited for the day the book came out...until she read an early draft of a chapter Eclipsa had written in dedication to her, which made her succumb to self-loathing. "I'm really excited for it. How about you, Star?" He looked over at her and instantly took note of her obviously-forced smile.
"I...haven't really thought about it all that much..."
"You haven't?"
"I...kinda put it out of my mind when I read that chapter she and...everyone...wrote about me."
"You didn't like it?" Cassandra inquired, a noticable look of disappointment on her face.
"I-It was very sweet for everyone to chip in, but the more I read, the more I just felt like I didn't deserve it, the more it just built up in me that it was all just a waste. I mean I don't feel as down about it now as I did back then, but it's still a little bit of a bother for me..."
"Well we expected that with time you would warm up to it. Since books take time to be written & published, we had that advantage on our side."
"I guess, b-wait, time out. Time out...we?" Talk about an unintended slip up, one that both Star & Marco caught. "Was...was that your idea?"
Given her past misgivings with honesty, Cassandra chose not to play it off & answered Star's question with a nod. "Yes, it was. Eclipsa came to me in confidence during one of my sessions with her & proposed an idea to honor your contributions to her reign as queen. I...supported her endeavor & I was under the impression it would be a boost to your emotional state."
To discover that the ill-fated chapter in Eclipsa's book that spotlighted Star's work & character was her therapist's idea touched her in ways that she didn't believe would be possible. "That's...that's so sweet..."
"But you didn't like it."
"No no, I...did. I just didn't feel worthy of all that praise. I never really felt like I had done a great job with, you know, trying to fix centuries of racism & bigotry damaging our world. So now to hear everyone heaping all of this affection and praise on me is a lot to get used to. I appreciate it, don't get me wrong, but to have so much of it heaped onto me after spending my life learning how to not expect it is...a lot to adjust to. And havning a lot of it contained in that book just...I don't know, I guess it broke me a bit. It's better now, though. I've...warmed up to my folks being so nice & affectionate with me."
"That's wonderful!"
"Yeah. My mom especially has been extra nice to me lately. She always greets me & sends me off to bed with a hug, she can't go a day without gloating about me to her own circle of friends...sometimes she still picks me up & carries me to the breakfast table like I'm a toddler, but I think I'm a little too heavy for her these days."
"Nonsense, you could never be too heavy." Marco playfully commented.
"I can't help it if she doesn't have your muscles, Mr. Diaz." Evidenced by her increasing flirty mood, Star's attitude was greatly improved. "I just wish she and everyone else wouldn't blink twice every time I want to be a part of advancing the new political regime."
"You can't blame them for still being apprehensive after what happened, can you? They think they're trying to protect you. We all are."
Her smile grew, as did her admiration for her boyfriend. "I know you are. But I never wanted to be out of the big picture, at least not forever. I want to be a part of what helps make this world better than what Mewni was. There's something...cathardic...about being a part of the movement that brings better change to the world we live in."
"But it's also exhausting, isn't it?"
"It is if you're not taking care of yourself. I wasn't before. But I am now. And I know that I need to ask for help now if I ever feel overwhelmed or depressed or stressed. I wasn't doing any of that before because I felt like I couldn't. And I know that's why you and everyone pushed so hard for this "staycation" thing to work."
"We just wanted you to enjoy yourself."
"And I have. These past few months have been amazing. I felt like myself again...when I wasn't feeling guilty about being "lazy" or letting my depression get the best of me or whatever."
"If anyone deserved it, it's you."
"And you, Marco. But you put that aside for me, and I don't want that anymore."
"You're acting like the last few months with you haven't been the best of my life."
"You really mean that?"
"I couldn't imagine my life without you, even with everything that you've gone through. You deserve to have someone by your side that won't abandon you or let you down no matter what. Someone that's willing to go the extra mile to see you happy."
"And so do you. And come hell or high water I'm going to be that person for you, Marco. You deserve it." She leaned in to kiss him once more as Cassandra looked down at her watch. Their appointment was coming to an end.
"Oh dear, look at that." She said. "We're just about out of time." She started to scribble some last minute notes on her clipboard. "Is there anything else you two would like to get off your chest before we wrap up?"
Star hesitated, but finally spoke up after a moment. "Actually, yeah, I do have a question for you." She took a deep breath. "Why...why did you keep it a secret from us Y-You know, the fact that magic hadn't completely gone away?"
Ah...so Star did want to touch up on that. It was a subject Cassandra was prepared to address...if Star wanted her to. "Because that was yet another burden that you would've had to carry, and I surmised that if I could help alleviate the stress by decompressing the situation before it escalated, why not try? Unfortunately, I was not successful..."
"Hardly your fault, or Mariposa's or Meteora's...you guys did everything you could." Star's smiled helped in raising Cassandra's spirits. "You know what? I love the fact that everyone in my life wants to pitch in & help me move forward. I really do. I just...don't ever want to feel like I'm having others clean up the messes I made. I don't ever want that. If people want to help, that's wonderful. But if I screw up, I feel like I should be the one to fix things."
"And when you don't, you shouldn't feel like others shouldn't clean up their own messes." Marco reinforced, a notion which she agreed with.
"That's true. Just...one foot in front of the other. Take the lumps as they come & cherish the good things in your life." Both she & Marco stood up & prepared to head out, waiting for Cassandra to send them off. "Thank you. Thank you for...everything."
Touched by the gesture, she embraced Star in a warm hug. "It's what I do, child. I'll see you next time." Without another word, Star & Marco exited the room & left Cassandra to her own devices.
Once outside, the two lovebirds simply stood on the steps leading into the building for a moment, gazing lovingly into each other's eyes. A long silence was finally broken when they embraced each other & kissed, their bond now even stronger than ever. "You sure you're okay?" The boy couldn't help but ask her.
"You know what? Yeah, I am. I am okay. More okay than I've been in a long time."
"Yeah, I can tell. You've got that sparkle back in your eyes." He caressed her cheek & smiled about as widely as he could. "It's the same sparkle you had when you first came into my life."
"Well, having this sparkle back means more to me now than it did back then. Because now I can share my joy with you. You know, instead of just my sorrows."
"I don't know, I'd say these last five months have had a lot of joy for all of us."
She couldn't disagree even if she wanted to. "That's true. And I hope this is just the beginning. There's so much out there for all of us to explore and to claim for ourselves. Truth is...I've never felt more optimistic about the future of our worlds than I do right now."
"And you had a hand in that happening, don't you forget that."
"So did you. You better not forget that, either."
"I'm sure you'll never let me." A laugh, and then another kiss between the two. "So...wanna head back home? It's getting late. My house okay tonight?"
"You bet, buuuuut...I have conditions tonight." She had a slightly sly smile on her face as she prepped for Marco's inquisition. The boy sighed, but kept his smile.
"Alright, Miss Butterfly, I'll play along. What are your conditions?"
"First of all, I'll be the one making our evening snacks that we gorge on before calling it a night. You want a plate of super cheesy nachos? I'll make us 10 to satisfy our hunger."
"...Okay, that doesn't sound too bad."
"Secondly, I would like you to don that staycation bathrobe you got for me. And I will be providing my portable foot bath that you so generously gifted to me for your use."
He playfully rolled his eyes, but he continued to play along. "Alright, that's...perfectly reasonable."
"And finally..."
"Wait." He stopped her right then and there; he already had a bad feeling in his stomach. "This isn't going to be about what we're going to do in bed later, is it?" She said nothing. Could she be any more obvious? "Star..."
She loudly sighed. "I'm sorry, but you know that's still a sore spot for me."
"And you know I have no complaints about how you are."
"That's because you're nice and you don't want to hurt me. And you haven't. But I promise if that ever happens I will make sure you know about it. I won't keep it to myself just because I feel guilty about stuff."
He knew she was telling the truth about that. With a warm smile, he embraced her & kissed her once more. "I know you won't. I love you so much."
"I love you too. And I look forward to spending the life I'll have with you proving it." She was about to take a step down before being stopped by the boy.
"Wait!" He shouted unprompted. "I-I mean, s-since you're already planning to shower me with pamperings and all...would you mind if I gave you one more for the road by...carrying you to the house?"
Now it was Star's turn to roll her eyes. But it was all in good fun. They were figuring out the way forward together, and they wouldn't have it any other way. "Yes, Mr. Diaz, you may. But only because I know you won't let it go until I say yes." They stepped down off the stairs together, allowing Marco to position himself & pick Star up bridal style, holding her in his arms & smiling. "You know, you really are a dork."
"Yeah, I know." Was his answers as they kissed once more before Marco began walking them towards his house for their night of fun together. Another page turned in the continuing book of their life on Earthni together, and things were only looking brighter.
"But you're my dork. And I wouldn't have it any other way."
End of Episode 39!
So I can safely say that this story - or at least this book - will be ending soon. Chronologically we're almost caught up with where "Beautiful Christmas" begins timeline-wise, and when the story continues past that, it'll be in its own book. As for this one, there's at least one more chapter to go, maybe two, but probably not more than that. Can you believe that it's been almost two whole years since this journey began with the first chapter of "When Dimensions Cleave," the story that started all of this? I sure can't. And I want to thank each and every one of you that's read all of my works & stuck with this story & with me throughout it all. It means the world to me.
So thank you. All of you. And please remember to read & review! :D