tw: discussions of death/suicide

As a side-note: there's a song that you should play at the beginning of this because it perfectly fits. It's called "Sorry" by DMEANOR.

Trapped- that was the overwhelming flood of feeling Soul had holed up in his room. After that day at the tree, there had been a lingering, sprouting sense of freedom, but now Viv was Wes's- was that mewling baby's. That thought had blossomed something new: a dark hatred that threatened to strangle what little light he had left. That's why when Viv's soft knock hit his door, unlatching it slowly before gracing the entryway, Soul refused to move.

"Soul?"

"Tol' you to call me Solomon," he muttered. "Dunno why you started that- callin' me that stupid nickname."

Her sigh was overpowered by the click of the door. "I- I know we haven't had a lot of time together lately."

"S'fine," he snapped.

"It's not." Her footsteps fluttered closer and refused to stop even as his shoulders tightened and turned from her. "It's obvious that it's bothering you, and-"

"It ain't." His words shattered hers like glass, the harshness reverberating through the leftover pieces. "You got Wes and the baby to deal with, so jus' leave me alone."

"His name is Reggie," Viv reminded softly as her hands, even more tender than her words, came to his shoulders. "Wes still likes to be stuffy and call him Reginald, but I think Reggie was a good choice, don't you?"

Even with his mind pressing to buck off her hands, his heart ached for the grip, leaving him motionless. "I don't care." He couldn't force it to be biting after the warmth of her fingers started to seep in.

"I wanted to tell you…" She let a pause linger there, allowing him the time to stop her but when only his silence filled it she continued, "Reggie's going to my parents tonight. Wes and I were going to-"

"Have a good time." He rolled his shoulders out of her grip, starting up from the window ledge toward the bed. Each step was spent calculating his choices, whether to run to the door or to hide between the covers, though neither would offer him relief.

"Your parents will be gone too," Viv's voice rang true as she followed him, catching him by the shoulder again before he could collapse onto the mattress. "And I thought it would be a good time for all of us to talk. We can figure out-"

"No," Soul spat as he turned towards her. The blackness in his gut churned, that violent creature birthed from sadness urging his pain into words. "I don't need you."

"Soul…" Viv's eyes blew wide.

"Dunno how you got it in your head that I give a damn about you," he hissed, but it warbled off as the tears started in his eyes. "'Specially since you're just like them. You'll jus'-" Leave me. They all forget me as soon as I'm not useful to them. Wes. Mama. You! "You jus' go on and leave me be! And if Wes forgets you again like he's bound to, don't come cryin' to me. You know he can't love you!"

"Soul, please-"

"Stop it!" he brayed as the tears poured down his cheeks, salted with rage and heartache. "Your Wes's wife, not mine. When are you gonna get it? I said I don't need you! I hate you!"

The melody bled from Soul's fingers as the memory played on bitter repeat. It wasn't until he got halfway through the chorus that the strength drained from him and his palms smashed against the keys. The discordant clamor covered the first sob that rattled him before he folded forward, letting his hands, cooled from the keys, cradle his head. I'm sorry. I'm so fuckin' sorry. I can't face you. I can't-

"Soul."

He tried to catch himself with a shuddering breath but it didn't give him enough air, his lungs still stuttering through another desperate gulp. He tried to fold his face into the crux of his elbow, the words muffled in his shirt. "What're you doin' home?"

Wes's slow footsteps brought him to the piano bench before he slid easily onto the other end. "I got a phone call."

"She can't mind 'er own fuckin' business," Soul snapped bitterly but the words only brought another salty stream down his cheeks.

"Well," Wes interrupted himself with a weary but anticipated sigh, "it was actually my son, calling to say he was at his wit's end with you, but I guess my assumption was right: you and Maka had a fight."

"Shit," Soul muttered as he quickly raised his head, tears instantly starting to dry as he attempted the same tried and true burying. "I- I'll see 'bout Reggie-"

"No. You won't." For the first time, Soul heard his father's timbre in his brother's voice, but the soft hold that came to his arm was another ghost entirely. "Sit down."

While his mind didn't necessarily want to cave to the order, his knees did, sending Soul back firmly next to his brother on the bench. "Wes…"

Wes's grip slipped from him as he turned to the ivories, clinking out a soft, nonsensical tune before letting the sound drift off in a hum. He kept his eyes on the keys as he started, "I could practice any melody just as much as you do and it still wouldn't sound the same. Viv christened you well: always playing with soul rather than just technical skill."

"Not like I'm better than you," Soul muttered.

A sharp laugh left Wes as he tapped another note. "Did I not say just?"

"Wes-"

"Soul," he urged like an order and any of the petty arguments in Soul's throat fizzled. "No matter how much you compare the two of us- and I know you do- I will always be jealous of you."

Swallowing that was harder than jagged glass, leaving Soul staring blankly at his brother.

Wes smiled softly at the keys. "I used to think how nice it would be to live outside of the spotlight; to not have to put on a face for everyone and everything; to feel the way you do so deeply and so desperately." He raised appraising eyes to Soul who felt picked down to his sinew under the glare. "I saw it as the spoiled entitlement of a younger brother. I didn't realize it was loneliness. I didn't realize you felt as lost as you did until Viv told me and… my first reaction was to envy you more for it. She loved you." Those three words were a bitter pill passed between them and it took Wes a moment to swallow it. "She was a better sister to you than I ever was a brother, and I blamed you for it. So when you… when you told her you hated her, I was-"

"She tol' you?" Heartache saturated Soul's voice with pleading.

A grim stretch made Wes's smile sour. "She was my wife, Soul."

"As if you talked to 'er." The sudden eruption shook them both and Soul threatened to stand, ready to run as Wes grabbed the meat of his arm firmly.

"Say it."

It washed over him like it always did, bile clinging to the back of his throat as a hoarse scream came from his throat. "You let Mama treat 'er like a leper! You ignored 'er and threw 'er to the side, but as soon as she got pregnant that was the only time any'a you gave a damn!"

"I'm guilty of that, yes," Wes murmured as he stared up calmly at the rage broiling on his brother's face.

"You…" Some of the momentum stalled as Soul searched Wes's eyes that were looking only like a reflection of his own. "You shoulda known I couldn't take care'a anyone," he finally howled out the truth, letting it tear at his guts with its release. "Not Viv and not Reggie. I hurt 'er, and I know I must be hurtin' 'im too, so why can't you jus'… why did you let me have any of it?"

"You're right." Wes nodded slowly as he let the hand slip down to Soul's wrist and beyond to twine together their fingers. "I should have been a husband, a father, a brother, and I wasn't. I've let jealousy eat at me and take what it wanted." He squeezed Soul's fingers, the strain finally falling from his smile. "But you're still partially wrong, Soul. You took wonderful care of them. You did the best-"

"No," the strength of his yell was back as he ripped his hand from Wes's grasp. Soul took a stumbling step, knocking his knee into the bench to get free. "I tol' Viv I hated 'er! She died with the last thing I ever said to 'er bein' that she was nothin' to me and Reggie-" The tenuous hold on the darkness within him was shattering and the vitriol freely leaking away through the cracks in the seam. "I use'ta- I use'ta whisper to a baby that he killed his mother! That it was all his fault! You tellin' me that's alright? That's fine?"

Wes let the scream die and Soul faltered, his knees turning to water. He moved swiftly from the bench, getting a grip on Soul's forearms to steady him. "When's the last time that you told Reginald that?" he asked quietly.

Soul gulped in air, his throat stinging from the force of keeping more tears at bay. "Jus'- the first month," crumbled into a barely-there whisper.

"When you were hurting the most," Wes added. "When you had no one to turn to about your grief until Kilik stepped in."

Soul nodded.

Wes pulled in an unsteady breath, "And Viv didn't die thinking you hated her."

Hope hung desperately in Soul's eyes as he brought them to Wes's.

He cleared his throat, trying to keep his own tears at bay for long enough to relieve himself of the memory. "That night, you know Viv's parents were coming to take Reginald. We were supposed to finally have a romantic evening, but she was upset that you had that fight. I caught her… talking to Reginald. She always spoke to him like he was a little man, and even though he was so young, I still think that's why he talks the way he does, but… she was whispering to him when I came upstairs to tell her that her parents had arrived."

His hands climbed to Soul's shoulders, fingers trembling along with his voice. But it wasn't Wes he was seeing or hearing anymore, the picture his brother was painting was becoming clear as day:

Viv sat in that prim way she always did- the way that had earned her far too many teases from Soul on any occasion that he had the breath for it. Reggie was still a bubbly baby, his toothless grin beaming up at his mother as she cradled him gently in her arms. "Reggie, darling, I need you to do me a favor." She always had a certain tenderness to her voice but this time it was cut with the ragged sorrow of Soul's outburst. "It's going to be a tough job, but you're going to be the sweetest, most wonderful boy in the world so I know you'll do just fine."

She took time to kiss him then, to let those little hands clutch at her face so she could absorb the unadulterated love of a child. "When you're older, I need you to take care of Soul," she murmured with sweet seriousness. "He works so hard to be everyone else's protector, but no matter how hard I try, he doesn't want to let me do the same for him. Maybe it's better that way- maybe it's not supposed to be me since what am I other than half a sister- but I want to make sure he has that. He deserves that. So you'll do that for him, won't you, darling?"

The crumbling of Wes's voice was what woke Soul from the dream. "She was wrong to ask that of Reginald… because it should have been me." Hesitantly, Wes pulled Soul close, the two men embracing for the first time since childhood. "I should have protected you. I should have-"

"Stop, Wes," Soul croaked as he clung to his brother. "Jus'…"

"I'll do it now," Wes murmured, "or I want to do it now if you'll let me. I want- I'm Reginald's father, Soul; you never should have had that responsibility. And I want you to forgive yourself. What happened with Vivienne- it wasn't me, it wasn't you, it wasn't Reginald. We're all-"

The pressure reversed, Soul now creating space by pulling Wes away before dropping his hands. "I- I don't think I'm ready for that."

"Forgiveness?" Wes urged the word with all the hope of a cure-all.

"For me at least," Soul muttered.

"Soul, please…" Wes reached for him again, but this time just to grab his shirt sleeve. "I know it's hard to trust me, to believe that I had nothing to do with what happened-"

"Wes, I... for a while, I wanted it to be you." Instead of pulling away, Soul's shoulders slightly curled forward as his eyes hit the floor. They started to quake as he tried to swallow the tears that wanted to overwhelm him again. "I'm sorry. It's jus'- the way you jus' shut down after…"

"I didn't have much of a choice. Not remembering that night doesn't help add to my credibility, I know," Wes sighed weakly, "but Vivienne was struggling, Soul. She was very sick before any of this even happened."

Soul's muscles jerked to wakefulness, nerves firing as he raised his head and furrowed his brow. "What? What are you sayin'?"

"After Reggie…" Wes shook his head glumly as he brought a hand up to run through his hair. "The doctor called it postpartum psychosis. She hadn't been sleeping at all for a while, and even when the doctor gave her medicine for it, she kept having these strange episodes."

"No," leaped from Soul's mouth. "No- I don't 'member her ever-"

"She wanted to keep it from you, especially since Dr. Delacroix said it would pass…" Wes choked, the tears finally hitting him just as Soul's dried up.

Dr. Delacroix. It was as if that had summoned Medusa herself, and all of the hairs on Soul's neck rattled in reply while goosebumps broke out on his flesh. Pills to sleep. Jus' like Maka. But Stein found nothin' in those, so wouldn't that mean I'm all wrong? I shouldn't- Soul forced a swallow. "She took sleepin' pills?"

"Amongst other things." Wes was trying to force the tears from his cheeks with already slick palms. "But when they looked for it in her blood after she died, it turned out she hadn't been taking any of it. She must have been lying, throwing them away, and Dr. Delacroix said it was probably part of her delusions. I'm sorry, Soul, I know keeping it from you wasn't exactly fair, but…"

"I understand." Soul had never had to put so much work into a lie, exuding every last bit of his strength to make sure the mask didn't slip from his face. "Couldn't do anythin' anyway," he murmured.

"None of us could have," Wes whispered back softly before reaching for him again.

Soul allowed it, letting Wes take his hand and squeeze it. No, thundered in his mind, echoing off with resounding panic. But who looked at 'er blood? It was Dr. Delacroix- the doctor, the coroner, and the adder all in one- that's who took 'er blood. "That's why the cops finally left you alone."

"Yes, Dr. Delacroix was very adamant. I was lucky she ran all the tests she did- but the rumors…" Wes let out a bitter laugh. "When your only excuse is that you took a sleeping pill and remember nothing other than the next morning, the cops are apt to look at you."

"You- you took one'a 'er sleepin' pills?" Soul pressed as the muscles along his spine tightened.

"Well, yes," Wes answered hesitantly as his eyebrows crinkled. "As I said, our romantic evening was really just going to be getting a full night's sleep without the baby. I was still… learning how to be a husband."

Not knockin' your lack'a romance, Wes. Soul let out a trembling breath. "So both'a you were supposed to be asleep and she…"

"Must have waited for that. You have to admit, there wasn't a better time. I was asleep. You'd locked yourself in your room. Mother and Father were away, and Reggie was with her parents. She had the best opportunity and unfortunately…" Wes bit that down as his lips thinly pressed together.

"Wes…" Soul gently squeezed their joined hands again. "I guess if… if you expect me to forgive myself then maybe you gotta forgive yourself too. Like you said: what happened wasn't your fault jus' as much as it wasn't mine." 'Cause that bitch-! the unsettling knowledge started to leach down to his bones. I still won't let Viv be to blame and it's a hell of a lot easier to stomach now that I know. That horrible snake was here.

"We can both work towards that, can't we?" Wes offered, trying to steady the hope in his voice.

"'Course. And I…" Soul shook his head slowly. "You've always been Reggie's dad. I guess I've been a good enough stand-in, but I think it'd be nice to jus' be his uncle again. To try to-" Soul caught that thought before it got too far- before giving wings to wants.

Wes nodded solemnly, letting a not-so-uncomfortable breed of silence settle between them for once. Their hands drifted apart, Soul moving to shove his in his pockets as Wes let his settle across his chest. He waited one more breath between the two of them before attempting, "About Maka…"

Soul bristled again, a brittle breath aching in his lungs.

"I'm trying not to stick my nose in where it doesn't belong, but… you were happy with her, Soul." Wes studied the quiet, blank face he received in reply. "You are happy with her and I don't want you to give up on that. I thought that was clear from my letter."

He barely resisted a sigh, clenching his jaw instead.

"I don't want to press my luck, but I'll make you a final offer." Wes produced a shaky smile. "I told you I want to be a better brother, so if you need help with whatever it is- support, I'm here."

Soul nodded solemnly.

Wes's shoulders deflated with a sullen sigh. "Alright, I understand your silence, but… could you at least text her and ask her to send Reginald home? I know he wandered over there earlier and I'd like to see him."

"Sure." The word felt sick on his tongue. He started towards the hallway, the echoes of his feet reverberating in the utter silence of the house. As he hit the front door, he opened it to stand on the stairs and see the faint light of her house in the distance. The weight of his phone had quadrupled as he pulled it from his pocket, fingers feeling useless to hold it up and keep the screen in his view. He wrestled with it before tapping her name and bringing the phone to his ear.

"Hi," her almost immediate answer was tightly wound as a spring.

"Wes came home early," Soul pressed himself to skip the introduction, not sure his would sound any better than hers. "He wants to see Reggie, could you send 'im back home?"

"He actually just left," she whispered back.

"Ah, alright, thanks."

"Soul-"

"Yeah." He forced it not to be a question, just an acknowledgment of his existence.

"I-" A sigh full of frustration and tears hit his ear. "I'm not trying to- I'm giving you your space because I know that what I said and maybe how I said it wasn't right- I don't know- but Reggie's sad, and I don't want you to think that I said anything to him, but he knows something is going on. It's upsetting him and I didn't know what to tell him! I just didn't, and I know he's going to come home to you, and you're going to try to fix it, but-" her voice trembled off, leaving only a fluctuation of her breath on the other side.

"M-" Soul didn't even have the time to form the vowel after, to offer her the name that she most likely wanted to hear before she was exploding again from the other end of the line.

"If you're going to forgive me- if you're ever going to forgive me, I need you to do it because you want to. If you think that you have to forgive me just to make Reggie happy, don't. I'd rather-" she choked but quickly swallowed it. "I'd rather never see either of you again than have you look at me and just know that the only reason you're there is to make Reggie happy. So please, please-"

"Alright," Soul cut in softly. "I get what you mean, Maka."

The stifled sob was the only reply.

"Give me a lil' more time," he murmured. "And Reggie'll be with his father tonight, so there won't be any chance'a pullin' my heartstrings anyhow. G'night, Maka." It was a sin to say her name without looking her in the face, without seeing what look it would bring from her, but his heart still resisted, still nursing that crinkled edge they'd made together.