A/N:
Hello again!
I hope you enjoy!
Professor Aldrich E. Grimhorn, former employee of the Ministry of Magic's Department of Magical Law Enforcement (not to be confused with being an auror, which entrance exam he had failed spectacularly on no less than the five times the Ministry allowed), was a marked man. His time at the glorious establishment was drawing to an agonisingly slow conclusion. Despite what the impressionable populace of Hogwarts would believe, this was not entirely the fault of the Marauders. Everyone knew that the Defence Against the Dark Arts position was cursed, no professor stayed on for longer than a single year, and this was a good thing on many counts. But nor was it fair to say that in the case of Professor Grimhorn, the curse of the job was the only thing shuffling him on his inexorable way out of the position. The Marauders, offended at the sheer incompetence and patronising behaviour of the buffoon, were gleeful participants in what they saw as their civic duty - namely to make Grimhorn's life absolutely miserable for as long as he insisted on staying in the school. It was a toss up every time they entered the class whether or not they would walk out in disgust, or if Grimhorn would leave the classroom one step closer to his inevitable mental breakdown. It was by virtue of this fact alone that Grimhorn's sixth year class was the only of all his classes that had a perfectly flawless attendance record. All of his other classes tended to be half full at best, the students refusing to subject themselves to his idiocy just for a passing grade - which they could achieve just by actually reading their textbook and practicing a little in their free time; it was certainly what the Marauders had done in years past, and what they recommended to the students brave enough to ask for their advice.
Thursday afternoon, in the first period after lunch, was the first Defense lesson for the sixth years since their return from their spring holidays. It was, coincidentally the most packed class of the year - not a single one of the Marauders' classmates who took the class absent for any reason at all (this included a Ravenclaw with a bad head cold who really should have been tucked up in bed with several doses of Pepper Up potion). At exactly five minutes after the hour, right when Grimhorn was in the middle of (badly) explaining a defensive spell, the classroom door burst open, slamming into the wall behind it. The Marauders strolled casually into the classroom, dropping into their usual seats as if absolutely nothing was amiss about the entire thing. To reinforce this point, Sirius even laid back with his feet on his desk, looking so comfortable that several other students emulated his position. "Now, see here" Grimhorn spluttered, his face turning an odd blotchy colour as he beheld the five bane's of existence staring blithely up at him as if they were doing him a favour by being there. "You're late! You can't just-"
"We did" James interrupted, turning an appropriately sympathetic gaze on their professor. "You just saw us."
Grimhorn's face took on the appearance of boysenberry ice cream. "You five continually and blatantly undermine my authority!" he yelled, managing a coherent statement for a change.
Remus nodded his agreement, not even looking bothered by their blatant and flagrant disrespect towards their professor. There were certain things that Remus could not stand for - werewolf bigotry was one of them, and Grimhorn - among his many faults - was outspoken on that subject. "Yes" he agreed easily, tone so utterly reasonable that Grimhorn actually faltered where he was standing.
"Do carry on" James bade, using his momentary loss of speech to their advantage.
Grimhorn's mouth worked, not a single sound passing his lips. Eventually, he was forced to turn to the rest of the class (all of whom were doing an awful job of pretending that they weren't laughing at his expense). "Where was I?"
"Just leaving?" One of their braver classmates, although Rose couldn't see who, muttered. There was a slight titter of laughter, but it settled down when Lily turned her worst glare on them all.
"The importance of non-verbal shielding spells, Professor" Lily replied, her tone a pointed reminder to the rest of the class to behave themselves.
"Ah yes" Grimhorn straightened up, renewed with confidence in his place as head of the class. Poor deluded fool. "Non-verbal shielding spells are a crucial tool in the defence of any witch or wizard" he began to lecture, pompous though he was, actually managing to get some actual information across to the students. James seemed briefly impressed. It was really a sad commentary on the skill of their professor that such small things as imparting information was a victory for his competency. Rose settled in, already knowing the information (James and Remus were much better teachers), but willing to give him the benefit of the doubt for once. Grimhorn settled himself in front of his desk, and continued to deliver his monologue. "We began discussing the importance of these spells during the last week of last term." His muddy gaze snapped towards the Marauders' section with a fleeting glimmer of what Rose could have sworn was glee. "Some of you failed to attend lessons during that time, so despite the annoyance to the rest of the class, I shall recap for your benefit." And just like that, all the temporary goodwill Rose had towards him was gone. Lily, possibly the only person in the entire school with any shred of respect for him, turned sheet white, clutching at Marlene's offered hand - no doubt so that the hotheaded witch (Marlene, not Lily) didn't break one of the most unshakable schedule rules and attack a professor.
"Excuse me, Professor" Rose interrupted sweetly, placing an almost sickening emphasis on his title. "But I hope you aren't suggesting what it sounds like you are suggesting."
"And what is that, Miss Evans?" Grimhorn asked, his eyes suddenly unable to meet any of the rest of the class.
Rose glanced at her friends, seeing the itch to hex him clear in their eyes. With a subtle shake of her head and a smile, she told them that she had this one perfectly under control. And for Lily's sake, she'd even be polite and reasonable whilst she was handling it. "Well, Professor" she replied softly, using what her father had long ago termed her 'angelic, innocent, couldn't possibly cause any trouble' voice. "My sister, Marlene, James, Peter, Remus, Sirius, and I were all unable to attend those lessons because the Headmaster, Professor Dumbledore, gave us permission to return to Lily and my home in Cokeworth for my grandfather's funeral." She stopped to let that sink in for a moment, then continued in a quiet and almost vulnerable voice. "If the Headmaster saw no problem with our absence from lessons, forgive us for assuming that it would not follow for all our professors." She sniffled delicately. "Forgive us for any inconvenience we caused you by attending our grandfather's funeral."
Grimhorn stood there, stunned, for a beat or two, getting used to the feeling of having his foot lodged in his mouth yet again. Then, with an expression uncomfortably akin to someone sucking lemons whilst being embarrassed about it, he cleared his throat and addressed them again. "No need for any apologies, Miss Evans" he gritted out, folding and unfolding his arms as if unsure what to do with them. "It is I who should offer my apologies for the insensitivity on my part. The Headmaster informed us of the reason for your absence, I had forgotten. You have my apologies." Rose inclined her head, settling back down into her usual chair, between Remus and Sirius.
After the brief moment of crippling foot-in-mouth awkwardness, Grimhorn rallied to continue (bumbling) teaching the lesson. "Ahem" Grimhorn glanced at the ground and forced himself to meet the gaze of the rest of the class. "So, non-verbal shielding spells. Can anyone tell me why learning this particular form of the shielding spell would be useful in a defensive scenario?" Several hands shot into the air, Lily's first among them. The Marauders shared a look and kept their hands down, even Remus - he just didn't seem to be in the mood. "Miss Meadows?" Grimhorn selected, smiling down at her in what he evidently thought was a rather avuncular manner.
Dorcas ignored his weird smiling, tossing her ponytail back over her shoulder. "The usefulness of employing a non-verbal shielding spell in a situation where we would need to defend ourselves is that our opponent, or whatever it is that we are trying to shield ourselves from, would be unaware of what we were doing, giving us what might hopefully turn out to be an advantage."
"Exactly" Grimhorn agreed. "Five points to Gryffindor." Rose smirked and mouthed 'teachers pet' at her friend, Dorcas subtly flipping her off away from Grimhorn's gaze. The professor tapped the blackboard with his wand, the incantation for the shielding spell appearing in his blocky writing. "Now" he continued "perfecting this kind of magic is difficult, even under such controlled settings as we have here at Hogwarts. It will be infinitely harder to achieve when in the heat of battle." Grimhorn smiled that patronising smile that had instantly alienated him from the Marauders. "Although I highly doubt that any of you will find yourselves in such a battle that might require the use of this spell." A chorus of disbelieving snorts echoed from the Marauders' desks. For once, Professor Grimhorn decided that discretion was the better part of bravery, and amended his erroneous statement. "However, we live in dangerous times, and while I fervently hope that you will never find yourselves in the kind of danger that would require this spell, nevertheless I cannot assure you that you never will." James inclined his head at him, acknowledging that Grimhorn had actually been the first of their professors to outwardly admit that their students were going to face a war when they graduated - however indirect that admission was. Grimhorn further went up in their estimations (although he already ranked so low that almost anything was an improvement) by his next words. "With that in mind, today's double lesson will focus on performing and hopefully at least some headway towards perfecting your ability with this branch of protection." There was a single, momentary pause in which the entire class stared in astonishment at their usually incompetent professor. It was classwide disbelief that he had said and done something so useful, so utterly out of character. Fortunately, it didn't last long. Time was too precious to waste. Before they could even get out of their seats, Grimhorn's voice cut through their chatter. "If I see anything more dangerous than a Jelly Legs Jinx being employed against your classmates, I will immediately remove you from the class, take away a hundred house points for each infraction, and put you in detention for no less than a week. Am I understood?"
"Yes, Professor Grimhorn!"
"Excellent" Grimhorn retreated to his desk chair. "Begin."
"There's something off with Gormless Grimhorn today" Sirius observed, the Marauders naturally clustered together in their own section of the class. For some reason most of the rest of the class actively avoided them in situations like this.
"You mean that he's displaying signs of actual human intelligence?" James queried, helpfully tossing a jelly legs jinx in the general direction of the Slytherin quarter. It was more for the appearance of normality than any real wish to do so.
"That is odd" Remus mused, his slightly off tone immediately attracting the attention of his friends.
James leaned against the wall, almost exactly mirroring Sirius (who had his ankles crossed and an expression of near boredom on his handsome face). He sent a frown at Remus. "You got any light you'd like to shed on this development, Moony?"
"Not per se" Remus shrugged, tossing a simple tickling charm over towards Benjy; the poor bloke getting caught off guard by watching Marlene and Lily squaring off against one another. "It's just, well, you can't honestly believe that Grim-guts actually had this thought all of his lonesome?"
"Of course not" James replied, as if that thought had been the furthest from his mind.
Remus inclined his head, hiding a smirk as Caradoc berated a giggling Benjy. "Well, this is just my own personal opinion, but who do you think might have had a quiet word with the incompetent fool?"
"Dumbles" Sirius drawled, his eyes glittering as about half the class self-administered the counter-curse for the jelly legs jinx.
"Precisely" Remus agreed, tossing a rare bright smile at the dog animagus. "Dumbledore is quite trying to make sure we get the best start possible. Because I'll bet he knows that something is brewing under his nose, and he won't be the one that will have to deal with it."
"The fact that this berk is the best Dumbledore can do is comforting" Peter muttered sarcastically. "I feel all warm inside, don't you?"
"Don't be a prat all your life, Peter" James sighed, unrepentantly catching Snape off-guard. Snape wobbled into the wall, and James turned back to Peter. "Flitwick and Minnie will get involved next, I'll bet my captaincy. Dumbledore knows better than to put all his dragon eggs into such a defective basket."
"Oh goody" Peter grumbled, managing to deflect a wayward jinx from the Hufflepuffs - they were still miffed about the small gathering of badgers that they had released into the Hufflepuff common room last night. "More spontaneous duelling practice to look forward to. How thoughtful."
"Keep that up and you'll overtake Moony as the resident grumpy pants" James teased, ignoring the warning growl from Remus.
"And keep that up, and you'll be back to being imbecilic troll in Lily Evans' eyes in no time" Remus smirked, throwing a jelly legs jinx at him. James deflected it easily, chuckling as it rebounded onto the Ravenclaw with the head cold. The poor swot went down like Grimhorn fleeing a niffler.
Sirius rolled his eyes, casting the counter curse for the unfortunate Ravenclaw. "Kindly keep your rebounds confined to the Slytherin quarter. The Swots haven't done anything to upset us since we got back from the holidays."
"Party pooper" James teased, grinning at his best friend.
"Buzzkill" Remus added, quietly gleeful at his sudden reasonableness.
"Moony" Peter finished, smirking wickedly at the jab. Sirius barely twitched his wand, Peter collapsing to the ground in uncontrollable giggles. Rose shook her head in mock disappointment, relieving poor Peter of Sirius' revenge hex.
"Learn to play nicely, Sirius" she chided, feeling oddly like she imagined Lily would. "Or nobody will want to play with you at all."
Sirius raised an eyebrow, silent and somehow amusedly judgemental. "Lots of people like playing with people who don't play nice. I can provide a list, should it be useful." Rose crossed her arms, favouring him with a look that asked if he really wanted to do what it was that he was doing.
"I wouldn't" James advised, shaking his head in warning. "I know looks like that on Evanses, and trust me, that is not something you want to see again."
"That's because you're a wimp that's scared of Lily Evans, Prongs" Peter commented.
James raised his hand in typical duelling posture. "Let's show these cretins how people with actual duelling experience do things."
A slow smirk spread across Sirius' face. "Why, Prongs, I thought you'd never ask."
There were some things, Rose was forced to reflect, that seemed like a brilliant idea at first, but were incredibly embarrassing in hindsight. Such a good idea turned embarrassment was letting James and Sirius duel one another in public. In private, there was nothing embarrassing about it at all, anything they said or did was completely normal and acceptable by Marauder standards. In the company of their peers (although in his more arrogant moments, Sirius insisted that they had no peers), their antics were a little harder to dismiss as normal. James and Sirius, for all their many qualities, had a few foibles of their own. Competitiveness was one of the biggest - aside from the incessant need to prank or hex any Slytherin that had the misfortune of looking at them funny, or breathing in their general vicinity. So, while Remus and Rose were content to take turns alternating duelling with each other and Peter, keeping it all very relaxed and easy, as they preferred, James and Sirius were...not.
"That's the best weak curse you got, Pads?" James heckled, effortlessly blocking Sirius' full body bind curse.
"Pardon me" Sirius drawled, easily sidestepping James's retaliatory jinx. "I thought you were a bit off your game earlier, and decided to take it easier on you."
"Oh piss off, mate" James growled, firing a barrage of minor jinxs at Sirius. The class took turns ducking, none of them wanting to feel the sting of getting whacked by a minor jinx cast by an angry Marauder. "If either of us is taking it easy on the other, it's me."
"Oh really?" Sirius raised an eyebrow, mockingly open. "Do tell."
James smirked, the telltale sheen of a magical shield colouring the air in front of him. "Well, Pads, it hasn't been me making goo-goo eyes at my girlfriend all afternoon."
"That's because you haven't got one" Sirius retorted immediately, a wicked grin on his face. "You have however been mooning after Evans all afternoon. So I'll thank you to belt the bloody hell up before I start getting irked."
"Irked?" James repeated incredulously. Peter chuckled a little, Rose recognising the slightly hysterical undertone Peter's laughter always got when the two were duelling. "What are we? Six? Next you'll be saying miffed, and offering me a spot of tiffin." James nearly got clipped by a tripping jinx, turning to glare over at the unwise Hufflepuff that decided to take advantage of the Marauder's lack of attention.
Remus stepped forward. "Don't worry, Prongs" he smiled, a wolfish thing that made even Peter take a step back instinctively. "We'll take care of that."
Rose cast a sympathetic glance towards the Hufflepuff newly instated on the top of Remus' little List. When the werewolf got that particular look on his face, it was best to do a runner, just leg it out of the door and away somewhere where Remus couldn't sniff you out. John Mallory was a sixth year of little note in any real aspect of his schooling - just one of those ordinary sorts that really should have known better. Remus, under normal circumstances, might go over to the ill-advised Hufflepuff and have a nice little chat with him about making better decisions, and not picking fights with people who would happily eat them for breakfast. Today, however, Remus was clearly feeling a little miffed (to use James's word). Without breaking eye contact with the now sweaty and visibly terrified halfwit, Remus raised his wand - smiling that dangerous wolfish smile the whole time - and caused said Hufflepuff to experience a few seconds of pants-wetting terror before casting a mild tripping jinx. The unfortunate Puffer - who clearly hadn't made much if any headway with the practice the lesson was supposed to be giving them - tripped and fell flat on his face. Rose smirked at Remus' smile of smug satisfaction. Some situations really were embarrassing in hindsight, especially situations that began with James and Sirius' competitiveness, and ended with Remus having to get involved when an idiot thought it would be a good idea to hex them. Rose had to wonder at the brainpower of some of her classmates. Who looked at the Marauders - especially James and Sirius - and thought it was a bright idea to hex them when their backs were turned? Morons, that was who. Utter and complete morons. Rose was sorely tempted to walk over there and give the cretin a good hexing of her own. Attacking someone when their back was turned defied every single law of chivalry. It was despicable. It was cowardly. The Marauders might not always prank people to their faces, but she swore by Merlin, Arthur, and the Four Founders, that they never attacked anyone (even Slytherins) when their backs were turned. In fact, now that she thought to look, Rose even noticed that Lily looked disgusted with the underhanded attack on James. He was unharmed - too skilled to let such mediocrity get the better of him - but that wasn't the bloody point. The fact was, he could have been - and badly! - by someone without the spine to face him like a man.
"Pads" James called, tone just this side of darkly cheerful - they could be a vindictive bunch with less provocation than this. "I think our Lady Astra is rather - how did you put it? - irked?"
"I have no problem with people hexing you face to face, Prongs" Rose said sweetly. "That's the price we pay for being who we are and doing what we do so well. But to hex you while your back as turned? It is the lowest and most cowardly thing anyone could do."
"You can't expect chivalry of your average Puffer" James deflected, keeping his voice as low as he could. Remus had already dealt with it, and Grimhorn was wandering the duelling pairs, making little comments here and there. "Bones is one of the exceptions, but some of the rest - like that poor sod over there - don't have that hint of Gryffindor spirit needed to act in the spirit of the chevaliers of old." James beamed, knowing exactly how to turn this situation around. "My ancestor, Godric Gryffindor, knew this all too well, because he made sure that his old hat wouldn't put berks like that in with chivalrous blokes, sorry folks, like us."
"Your ancestor" Remus cut in dryly "was mates with Slytherin for a sizable chunk of his life."
James dismissed that with a wave of his hand. "I never said he was perfect."
"Funny how you can admit that about him but not yourself" Sirius smirked, James predictably squawking in offense.
"Okay boys" Rose laughed, unable to completely believe her good fortune all those years ago. "We've officially decided then. Gryffindor was potty and not perfect. What then does that say about us?"
James thought for a while, eyes brightening with his wide grin. "Bonkers and bloody brilliant!"
Grimhorn hurried past, just in time to hear James' eureka moment. "Language, Mr Potter."
James scowled after him, stabbing the back of his head with his glower. "Cretin."
"That's Professor Cretin" Remus chided, evident seeing nothing wrong with the cretin part of James's statement. "Even cretins deserve respect, some of the time."
Sirius ignored their commentary on their professor, his attention focused back on the gathering of slimy gits in Slytherin robes. "Now that we've duelled and had our honour avenged, might we get back to fulfilling our sworn duty in this castle?"
James turned to him, a wicked grin on his face. "You want to hex the Snakes again, don't you?"
Sirius crossed his arms, the very image of nonchalance. "What other reason do we have for actually attending this class?"
"Merlin forbid it's actually to learn something" Remus uttered on a long-suffering sigh. "It's certainly not the case in any of the other sodding classes we take as a unit."
"Moony" James tutted, clapping him on the back. "You're seventeen, not seventy. Learn to live a little, would you?"
"I have a very full and fulfilling life, Prongs" Remus sniffed, oozing the kind of superiority that only came from prolonged mischief making. "Just because it may seem dull and boring to you, doesn't mean that sane people don't enjoy relaxation every now and then."
"I'm sane!" James protested, the sound coming out as more of a outraged squeak than anything more dignified as he would have preferred.
Rose threw her head back, laughing at the fact he actually believed that. "Oh Prongs" she said pityingly. "You're not. You're really, really not."
"Pads?" James asked hopefully, turning to the ever loyal person of his best friend.
Sirius hummed thoughtfully, giving the notion it's due consideration - and deliberately taking his time just to wind James up. "Sorry mate" he apologised. "But none of any of the five of us are sane. Not even Moony." Remus inclined his head, conceding the point. With a glance around the room (everyone staying as far away from the recently vindictive quintet at it was possible to be), Sirius lowered his voice and continued. "Especially not with what we've got planned tonight."
Thank you for reading!
Next time: the Slytherins are up to something. The Marauders intend to find out what it is.
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