Chapter 39
Erin flashed him a smile when he placed a glass of water on the table before taking the seat next to her. He got a whiff of her shampoo scent when she turned her head back to her laptop as it finally connected and their video call went through.
"Hi," Erin greeted the familiar faces on the other end warmly. Jay gave a little wave. "Long time no see, guys. How are you?"
"We're great," Olivia replied with her unit gathered around her. They were all huddled together in Olivia's office just to see Erin after she had sent a vague request for Olivia to do so. "How have you guys been? How's everyone?"
"We're doing good too," Jay answered. "Great, even. How's life in the fast lane over there?"
Olivia chuckled. "Just chugging along as usual." She and Rollins exchanged glances. "So is this just a catch up call or is there another reason you're calling?"
"Not that we don't love hearing from you," Rollins added.
Jay pressed his mouth to contain his grin. He knew nothing would get past the detectives. When Erin had texted Olivia earlier to inform her of this video call, he had warned her that the SVU would definitely know something was up. But Erin was adamant that she didn't want to announce that they were engaged over text. SVU was her second family so it was his second family. And family deserved to be told good news face to face, or video calls in this case.
Erin shared a look with Jay and he took her hand. "Well, there is a reason," Erin began.
"Is everything okay?" Olivia asked worriedly, immediately going into a protective Mama Bear mode. Jay loved seeing someone care about Erin as much as Olivia did. She was the mother figure that Erin deserved, just like Camille. He couldn't even put into words just how grateful he was that Bunny was out of Erin's life and someone worthy like Olivia was in it.
"Look at the big grins on their faces," Carisi pointed out in his usual accent that immediately gave away where he was from. "I'm guessing whatever the reason is, it's good news?"
"It is," Erin confirmed. Jay squeezed her hand, giving her a little bit of encouragement to share the good news with the rest of the SVU team.
"Don't keep us in suspense now. Give us the news already."
Not wanting to put out Finn and everyone else any longer, Erin just held up her hand. The engagement ring was on full display on her ring finger, the light bouncing off the diamond.
"Jay and I are getting married," Erin announced to the cheers of the people on the other side. Erin laughed at their reactions and Jay joined in.
"Ah! I knew it!" Rollins bragged. "I knew it was coming."
"It was only a matter of time," Dodds added. "Congratulations, partner."
Jay saw Erin's face softened into a smile and she nodded. Jay placed their joined hands on Erin's lap. He knew that Erin had missed her old team. While Erin was truly home in Chicago with him and Intelligence, she still had a strong connection with the SVU team in New York. They helped her get through some of the darkest times in her life and Jay was grateful that they were there for Erin when he couldn't. He owed them a lot.
"Wait, I got to see the ring again," Carisi brought his head closer to the screen and squinted his eyes. Erin held up her hand to the camera.
Finn let out an impressed whistle. "Good job, Halstead. That is a rock."
A boyish grin crossed Jay's face. "I try," he said, rubbing the back of his neck.
"Yeah, I'll marry you for the ring alone," Carisi teased.
"I"ll pass," Jay grimaced. "You're not exactly my type, Carisi."
"Yeah, not everyone into blondes," Finn piled on.
"So have you guys set a date yet?" Olivia asked, seemingly the only mature person in the office.
Erin shook her head. "Not yet. We just got engaged last week."
"It's never too soon to start planning. There's lots to get done," Rollins pointed out.
"There is," Erin replied, Jay agreeing with her. There was so much thought and planning that went into a wedding. Jay had a preview of it when Will and Natalie were planning theirs. The date, venue, menu, guest list, dresses, decorations, music. Those were just the tip of the iceberg. He and Erin had come to an unspoken agreement that they didn't want to get stressed out about planning the wedding. The most important thing to both of them was the marriage, not the party.
"We're easing into it," Jay explained. "But we do know one thing and it's that you guys have to be there."
"Wouldn't miss it for the world," Olivia replied. "None of us will."
"I'm already thinking of wedding presents in my head," Dodds declared.
Erin snorted. "You know I expect something nice from you. You know, for all those months of having to deal with you as my partner."
Dodds placed his hand over his heart. "I'm hurt, Lindsay. I thought we treasured those times together. Now, you're telling me something different?" Erin just shrugged. "Yeah, I get it. Guess I come second now."
Jay brought his hand over Erin's shoulder. "The second best isn't so bad. Of course, I wouldn't know anything about that since I always come in first."
Dodds just feigned offense at what Jay said. Jay laughed at his antics. He wasn't really sure about just what kind of a guy Dodds was when he first met him. Of course, the fact that he was Erin's partner at the time had colored Jay's views on the man. But getting to know him when working on the Yates case together, Jay really came to like Dodds. He wasn't the first person Jay thought he'd be friends with, with their different upbringings. But Dodds was a good guy and Jay was happy that he and Hailey had found each other.
"Let's just ignore these children and get back to the important topic here," Rollins said, rolling her eyes. "Tell me you guys at least have some ideas about what you want for your wedding?"
"We do. We know we want it to be in Chicago, preferably spring or summer," Erin revealed. Jay nodded along with her. The initial thought of having their wedding at the cabin did cross their mind but that was crossed off just as fast. Wisconsin was their special retreat, their heaven on earth. But Chicago was their home. It was the place they met and the place they fell in love. It was the place where they had been broken, lost then built back up together. Chicago was them. There was no other place they saw themselves getting married at.
"That's just a few months away," Olivia said. "Is that enough time?"
"We want to keep it simple. Just a few friends and family. Intimate and small."
Olivia smiled warmly. "Intimate and warm," Olivia repeated. "That sounds perfect."
Jay had to agree. Intimate and warm was just what they wanted for their dream wedding.
"Alright! Here we go!" Adam said loudly as he placed the tray of drinks on the table. "Okay, everybody take a shot glass!" he ordered, his voice even louder than usual to cut through the other busy noises. Molly's was lively as usual but it seemed like it was even livelier— and louder— tonight with Adam and Kevin leading the charge to celebrate her engagement to Jay.
It didn't take Kim five seconds when Erin marched up the stairs to the bullpen to notice the new addition on Erin's finger. Kim's surprise squeal and bulging eyes had caught everyone's attention and soon enough, the cat was out of the bag. Congratulatory cheers filled the bullpen and demands of everyone going out to celebrate the engagement were being thrown around the room.
So here they were, a few nights later. It was the first nights in a couple of weeks that they had the early night off and a late start the next morning. So of course, she and Jay had to come through with their promise of drinks being on them tonight. A promise that Adam was apparently taking full advantage of.
"A toast," the said person began, his shot glass in the air. "To Halstead and Lindsay. For them finally getting their shit together and doing what we all saw coming years ago."
"Nice toast," Jay grumbled, shaking his head.
"Okay, I have an even better one," Kevin started. "To Halstead, for having big enough balls to not only date the boss' daughter but to marry her. May your cajones always be this large." Everyone cheered and whopped at Kevin's toast while Jay just closed his eyes in defeat. "To Halstead."
"To Halstead!" Everyone repeated and downed their shot.
"You do realize this means that Voight will be your father-in-law right?" Adam nudged Jay. "That mean every holiday will be spent with him?"
Jay pushed Adam off. "Yeah?" he asked flatly, like he didn't see what the big deal was.
"Man, you really are one brave son of a bitch. I don't think I'll ever enjoy another Thanksgiving meal if I have to look at Voight across the dinner table."
"Ahem," Erin cleared her throat. "You do realize that I'm right here and I can pass on what you just said to Voight?" She kept her face unreadable, wanting to see Adam squirm. It was quickly becoming one of her favorite pastimes. As expected, Adam was flustered and he started stuttering out the beginning of an apology. Erin couldn't keep in her amusement any longer and she bursted out laughing. "Relax, Ruzek. Jeez, you're gullible."
"Excuse a guy for wanting to keep his job," he retorted. She was still laughing at him and he retaliated by reaching over and messing up her hair. Erin swiped at him in annoyance before Jay stepped in and pushed Adam away.
"My hero," Erin said to Jay before poking her tongue out at Adam.
"Okay my turn," Kim spoke up. "Since Kevin has made the lovely toast to Jay, I'll make one for my best friend." She turned to Erin. "Erin, we haven't always been close but you've always been so supportive of me. Always there to give me advice or just to stop me from doubting myself. You're really another big sister to me. I'm so happy that you're back where you belong. With us and with Jay. I'm so happy that you two are getting married. Congratulations."
Adam let out a whistle. "Okay, Burgess definitely won."
"I always do, Ruzek," Kim shot back with a grin as Erin pulled her in for a hug.
Erin patted Kim's back, her eyes getting misty after listening to Kim's heartfelt toast. Erin had never been big on female friendship. Annie had been her closest friend growing up. Erin had always been one of the boys, gravitating towards the guys more. It didn't help that the bullpen was filled with testosterones. She and Kim had always had a cordial and professional relationship but it had taken them a few years to become close. And now, Erin couldn't imagine anyone standing next to her as her maid of honor.
"So have you given any thoughts to what you want for a wedding?" Hailey asked, opening the floodgate for the girls to delve into wedding planning. Adam groaned when he realized where the conversation was turning to.
"Okay, Let's leave the girls to their wedding talk and how about us guys go hit the dart boards?" he suggested. Kevin and Antonio quickly agreed but Jay hesitated, looking to Erin. "Not even married yet Halstead and he's already looking to his wifey for permission," Adam teased, elbowing Jay's ribs.
"That's because I'm a smart man," Jay retorted, grinning and leaving over to give Erin a quick peck on the cheeks when she nodded. "Have fun, ladies."
"We will!" Hailey shouted after them when the guys ran off to the corner of the bar where the dartboards were located.
"Now we can get to the good stuff," Kim said, rubbing her hands together. Erin just chuckled and flagged down a waiter to order them more drinks. "So let's start talking about the wedding."
"Yeah, have you guys talked about what you might want?" Hailey asked.
"A little bit. We want it to be in Chicago. We're thinking either spring or summer but before it gets too hot."
"Oh thank god because my hair doesn't do well in heat," Kim teased. "So we have the city and the timeframe. How about the venue? Do you want a buffet or a sit down dinner? How about music? Are you thinking a D.J or a live band? The dress!" Kim rambled on going a mile a minute.
Erin and Hailey exchanged amused looks with each other at Kim's enthusiasm. Erin reached for Kim's hand to stop her. "Kim, take a breath."
Kim blushed. "Sorry. I guess I just kind of went wedding crazy there for a second."
"It's okay." Erin laughed. "As for your questions, we haven't thought that far yet." She tucked her hair behind her ears. "To be honest, I'm already sort of overwhelmed already," Erin admitted.
She was. Despite not wanting to put any stress on her and Jay regarding their wedding, it was inevitable. There were just too many details to go over and Erin had never been good at that. Hell, she didn't think she'd ever get married growing up so this was a totally new territory for her.
"I got you," Kim promised, giving Erin a reassuring smile. "Trust me. I love weddings and watching shows about weddings. Anything you need, I'm here."
"Thanks, Kim," Erin smiled.
"I'm here too," Hailey chimed in. "I mean, I'm not exactly an expert but I do have awesome taste in music so if you need any suggestions, I'm here."
Erin laughed softly and gave Hailey's shoulder a squeeze. "Thank you. I'll definitely take you up on that," she said. "Jay's taste in music is horrible."
"You mean that emo wailing cry that he calls music?" Hailey shuddered. "Yeah, that's one thing I don't miss about having him as a partner."
"Oh! A piece of advice before I forget, don't mention the wedding planning to Platt," Kim warned. "Otherwise, she's going to dig up her wedding binder and start forcing her ideas on you." Erin and Hailey looked at Kim confused. "You don't want to know. Just trust me."
"Okay?" Erin agreed, not really sure what Kim was talking about. "Got it."
Erin found herself smiling when she glanced around at the bar and saw her family scattered throughout. Kim and Hailey were going a mile a minute, their excitement for her and Jay's upcoming wedding visible while the guys were still in the thralls of their darts competition. She felt immensely lucky that she had all these people in her life, not to mention her second(?), third (?) family in New York, that are truly happy for her and ready to celebrate her and Jay taking the next step in their lives.
What more could she need?
Apparently, Jay had some idea of his own about it.
"Canaryville?" The dislike in Erin's tone was clear even though she was trying very hard not to offend Jay. "Really?"
"What's wrong with Canaryville?" Jay asked, handing her the cup of coffee he ordered. A black eye for her— the strongest of the strong— and a weaker red eye for him since Jay didn't handle caffeine as well as Erin. But those were the type of coffee they needed if they were going to get through the night.
"Nothing. It's just very….." Erin paused, looking for the perfect word.
"Irish?" Jay supplied with a raised eyebrow. "Hate to break it to you babe, but our kids will be half Irish."
"Hopefully with your freckles," Erin returned, buttering him up. "But that's not what I meant," she clarified as she got inside the patrol car.
Jay took the passenger seat and closed the door. "Then what did you mean?"
Erin gave him a glance out of the side of her eyes. "I'm just saying, if we're going to buy a house it should be in a family-friendly neighborhood and Canaryville is not at the top of my list for that. No matter how much I love you and all of your Irish-ness."
Jay had a tiny pout on his lips that Erin just found adorable. But this was something Erin wasn't willing to concede on, no matter how cute Jay looked being weirdly defensive about his childhood hometown.
"Okay then what is on your list?" Jay asked. Erin tapped her fingers on the steering wheel as they weaved through the light traffic. Platt had volunteered them for overtime and violence reduction duty for the night and as usual, the desk sergeant wasn't taking a 'no' for an answer. Jay had tried to protest but Erin stopped him. She just deemed themselves lucky enough that they could do patrol together instead of some other patrol officer.
"Edison Park, Lincoln Park," Erin began listing all the different neighborhoods she had in mind. It had been something she had given some thoughts to be but hadn't had enough time to think it through, considering Jay just dropped wanting to buy a house together on her lap a couple of nights ago. Erin had looked at him like he was crazy at first for wanting to add the stress of buying a home on top of planning a wedding but Jay had argued that they were now just wasting money on renting their place and that he much rather put the money towards a forever home. One that they could raise a family in. Erin had to admit that the thought of their kids running around in a nice backyard instead of their current place had Erin quickly giving in.
"Lincoln Park?" Jay furrowed his eyebrows. "I'm sorry but did we somehow become millionaires overnight?"
Erin rolled her eyes and shot him a cold look. "Smartass," she muttered under her breath but the lopsided grin on his face told her that he had heard her. "There must be something in our price range."
"Hmm," was all he said, not quite agreeing with her. "Edison Park?"
"That's a nice neighborhood. Might be more in our price range. Good schools, very safe. Perfect for families."
Jay nodded. "That checks off most things on our list. Okay, Edison Park is in the lead so far. Maybe we can go to a few open houses this weekend? See what's out there?"
Erin pressed her mouth together, not giving him the response he wanted. While she loved Jay's enthusiasm, she felt a bit overwhelmed by everything just happening so fast. Planning a wedding was already a lot, considering the type of jobs they had. And now they were going to buy a home at the same time also?
Erin always had a hard time adjusting to change and allowing herself to be happy. Like right now. There were nothing but good things happening in her life. She was engaged to Jay, her job was going great and she and Jay were in a place to buy a home. She had everything she'd ever dreamed about yet she was scared. Of what? She didn't know. Some invisible monster waiting in the shadow? For the other foot to drop? Because she was Erin Lindsay and there was always another pothole waiting for her in her life.
"Hey," Jay called her gently when he noticed her being quiet. "What are you thinking?" Erin shook her head, trying to give Jay a small smile but he saw right through her. "Erin."
Her instinct told her to put on a cover, to keep what she was thinking to herself. She didn't want to upset Jay or make him think that she didn't want this. She wanted it. She wanted it all. So much. Sometimes, she just really hated how she just couldn't allow herself to be happy. She looked at Jay and saw him looking back at her. There was so much concern in his blue eyes that all of the instincts to hide her thoughts from him melted away. Because he deserved the truth from her. Her honesty.
"Sorry. I just…" She took a breath, trying to find the right words because the last thing she wanted to do was to hurt Jay. "It's just all…"
"A little bit too fast?" he ventured a guess, already reading her thoughts. Erin nodded meekly.
"It's not that I don't want everything you want, Jay. I do. I swear but there's this voice in my head that's stopping me from just, I don't know. I guess for something to happen, I guess." She tried to explain it the best she could but found herself coming up short.
"You're scared," Jay concluded, knowing her so well to the point he could read her mind. He reached over the console to take her hand and intertwined their fingers together. 'It's okay, babe. I get it."
Erin cast him an apologetic look. Here he was, being so excited about everything, and Erin just felt horrible for bringing the mood down.
"I'm excited. I promise you I am. I don't even know why my mind does this. I'm sorry."
"Hey, there's nothing to apologize for and you don't have to try to convince me that you're happy, Erin."
"I just don't want you to think I don't want the same thing as you because I do," Erin said.
"I know you do," Jay cut in, reassuring her. "Erin, I've known you for a long time and I know how your mind works. I know your past and I know how you're scared that something's waiting for you around the corner. And honestly, after everything you've been through, who can blame you? I certainly don't," Jay told her. "I know that I got a bit ahead of myself with the whole house hunting thing."
Erin shook her head profusely. "No, I love the idea. Besides you're right. We're just wasting money by renting when we could put it towards a mortgage. I want to buy a home together."
Jay smiled, the corners of his eyes crinkling. "Me too," he echoed. "How about we just take a breath and just take our time with this? We don't need to put an offer down tomorrow on the first house we see. It's our first home and hopefully, it'll be our forever home. We should slow down and do this right."
God, Erin loved this man so much. He understood her like no one else and he was always willing to compromise.
"Thank you," she voiced. Jay grinned , giving her a small wink as if to say 'anytime'. "So we might not be going to open houses just yet but how about we do something else? Tomorrow?"
Jay set his eyes on her. "What did you have in mind?"
"So me and Kim, we've been brainstorming ideas for our wedding," Erin began.
"Uh-huh, go on," Jay prodded, his eyes lighting up with excitement at the mention of their wedding.
"Well, one of the most important things we have to decide on before we do anything else is the venue," Erin continued. "I know you said that you're fine with whatever I decide but still, it's our wedding and you should have a say in it."
"I thought I was deciding the music?"
Erin held back the laughter in her throat as she thought back to what Hailey said about Jay's musical taste. "Uh-huh," she just muttered off-handedly, opting to cross that bridge later. That was certainly a conversation to be had another day because there was no way that Erin was walking down the aisle to Death Cab for Cutie. "Anyway, there are a few locations that might be good. So how about tomorrow we go check them out? See if there's a winner?"
"Sounds good, babe," Jay replied. "We'll go bright and early."
Erin snorted because as much as she loved his excitement, she didn't do bright and early after an overnight shift. "I don't know about bright and early because we're not getting off until dawn and I plan on sleeping in."
Jay just scoffed, already knowing her propensity to sleep in. He shifted in his seat and groaned. "God, I forgot how fucking uncomfortable these patrol cars are," he griped, rubbing his back. "What are these seats made of? Cement blocks?"
"Maybe you're just getting old, Jay," Erin teased, smirking.
Jay just rolled his eyes at her before shifting in his seats again. "Seriously!" he complained. "How are you not uncomfortable right now?"
"I guess I'm just very limber," Erin purred, sending Jay a suggestive eyebrow wiggle.
Jay groaned, but this time for a very different reason. "God, you're such a tease." Erin laughed, loving the reaction she got out of him. He reached over to trail his finger up and down her arm, goosebumps forming on her skin underneath his touch. "Want to take a break? I think we earned one."
Erin smirked. "Alright, keep it in your pants Halstead." She gave a quick glance to Jay's lap. "Think you can do that?" she challenged.
Jay tossed his head back on his seat. "You're killing me, Erin."
She laughed out loud. "Besides I don't think Platt would be happy if she finds out that we're getting paid $1 a minute to make out in some empty parking lot."
"Oh, we'll be doing a lot more than making out," Jay corrected with a drawl, trying to entice her. "Believe me."
Before Erin could give him a retort of her own, the radio came on. "How about you make yourself useful, Halstead and see what's up?"
Jay just snickered before picking up the radio and turning it up so they could hear better. "10-66 on Kimbark," he relayed to Erin and she stepped on the gas, driving faster. "A woman called in a suspicious group loitering around her house."
"Might be some small time dealer," Erin guessed. "There's a lot of college kids in the area."
"Great. I'm subjected to chasing some small-time college kid dealing some pot," Jay complained.
"Remember, a dollar a minute," Erin reminded him. "Enough overtime and who knows? We might even be able to buy one of the mansions in Lincoln Park."
"Hmm, maybe even one of those jacuzzi bathtubs for our bathroom."
"That's the dream." Erin just tossed Jay a look, laughter rumbling in her chest, as they drove to the location that the dispatch had given them.
"Okay, this is it," Jay said as they pulled up at the location."There they are." Jay motioned his head towards the small group of three that were loitering in front of an apartment complex.
Erin squinted her eyes to get a better look and sure enough, their prediction had been correct that it was a small group of what looked like college aged kids. One of the kids-whose face she couldn't really see in the dark— pulled out something from his jacket and discreetly handed it to another kid before stuffing something back in his pockets.
As soon as the group had seen the patrol car pulled up, they started running and dispersing.
"Shit!" Jay cussed as he ran out of the car even before Erin could properly stop it and started chasing after the guy that seemed to be the dealer. Erin parked and followed suit, going after the other two.
"Chicago P.D! Stop!" she yelled, chasing them down the street and into an alleyway. The two guys made a huge mistake and chose the wrong alley because it was a deadend, giving Erin enough time to catch up to them.
She grabbed one of the guys by his collar and shoved him against the wall, pulling his arms back so she could put cuffs on him. The other was too busy trying to climb over a large wall that was blocking him in.
"Stay down!" she ordered the handcuffed suspect while she ran over to the other one that was trying to make his escape. She pulled him down by his feet and the guy fell on the ground in a heap.
"Fuck!" he groaned out in pain as the fall knocked the wind out of him, rendering him unable to run.
"Chicago P.D, you're under arrest!" Erin barked, handcuffing him.
"I didn't do anything!" the guy started shouting, flailing his legs everywhere.
"Yeah? Then why did you run?" Erin returned, tugging on him to stand up. She reached inside of his jean pocket and found a small bag of coke. "What's this huh?"
"Baking soda," the guy sassed back. "I'm baking cookies."
"You're a funny guy, aren't you?" Erin shot back, unimpressed by his joke. "Come on, let's go. We'll have plenty of cookies for you down at the station."
She escorted the two suspects back to the patrol car, her eyes searching for Jay and wondering if he had caught up to the dealer. She saw a backup squad car already at the location and she handed the two guys over to them and watched as they were put in the back of the car.
"Take them down to the 21st," Erin instructed, the younger patrol cops nodding and getting inside the car and driving off. "Jay?" she spoke into her radio. "What's your location?"
There was no response right away as usual and she felt worry starting to creep up in her stomach.
"Jay?" she tried again and still, there was no answer. "Shit."
She pulled out her gun and started running towards the direction she had seen Jay run off to. Her heart was thudding fast, almost ready to jump out of her chest. Jay would've responded by now and the only reason why he wouldn't was….she stopped herself, not wanting to go down that road. She reasoned with herself that she was just being overdramatic for no reason.
"Jay, what's your location?" she demanded through her pants. "Jay!"
"Coming back with the suspect now," his voice finally came over the radio and Erin halted to a stop, her whole body sagging with relief. She bent over, her hands resting on her knees, to catch her breath. She took a few deep breaths, trying to calm herself before Jay came back up the suspect. She heard his footsteps a couple of minutes later and she discreetly wiped her eyes. Jay was fine, she reminded herself, chiding herself for being overdramatic.
"Hey, it took you awhile. Told you you were getting old," she said, trying to make a joke and pasting a fake smile. Erin didn't want Jay to see the distress on her face.
Jay came closer, hauling a suspect behind him, blocking Erin from seeing who it was. Jay's eyes narrowed in on her, always seeing through her false pretenses. But there was a downward tilt of his mouth, signaling that something else had happened. Something more than his concern for her.
"What's going on?"
Jay didn't say anything. Instead, he pulled the suspect forward, revealing his face to Erin.
"Travis," Erin gasped, her eyes widening when she saw the familiar face of her godson, Annie's son. "What? What's…" Erin found herself at a loss for words, not even knowing how to begin to process this.
"Cornered him a few blocks down and caught him trying to get rid of these," Jay explained, pulling out a few baggies. Erin just stared at the bags of coke, trying to reconcile the fact that the boy that she grew up watching was dealing coke on the street.
"What the hell, Travis?" she shouted and Travis just cast his eyes down, avoiding her eyes.
"One more thing," Jay continued. "He called someone and tried to toss his phone after but I picked it up. You should look at the last person he called."
Erin took the phone warily from Jay and looked at the screen that Jay had it opened to. "Dad," Erin read the name of the last caller on his phone. She looked at Jay in disbelief, finding the same look on Jay's face. "Charlie."
Erin leaned against the wall in front of the interrogation room, running her fingers through her hair. It was already getting to be a long night and it looked like it would only get longer.
"I got him settled in," Jay said as he came out of the interrogation room and closed the door. "Did you reach Annie yet?"
She nodded. "Yeah but she can't get here right away. She'll be here as soon as she can." She sighed. "I can't believe this is happening. This is Travis. He's a good kid. He got into Northwestern. Why the hell would he do this?"
"I have one guess," Jay replied, the look on his face making it clear that he was talking about Charlie.
"I didn't even know that Charlie was back in his life." The last Erin had heard of Charlie was when she put him in prison for conspiring to rob the jewelry exchange. As far as she knew, Charlie had skipped town after he finished his sentence. She had no idea how he had managed to weasel his way into Travis' life. There was no way Annie would've allowed that to happen if she knew, especially given the way Charlie had treated her the last time he came back around.
"Apparently he is and somehow Travis is in contact with him. Those baggies, Erin. Travis didn't just get them from anywhere. If I had to bet all my money, I'd bet that Charlie is his supplier."
Erin nodded, agreeing with Jay. It wasn't just a coincidence that Travis happened to be dealing coke and Charlie being back in his life. Erin wasn't even surprised that Charlie could be behind this, no matter who Travis was to Charlie.
She took a second to just gather herself, trying to process the turn the night had taken. It was supposed to be a routine patrol shift but it looked like that was out of the question now. Her eyes scanned Jay's features, looking for some invisible injury that she knew he didn't sustain. But that couple of minutes when she didn't hear from felt like a lifetime and she still felt the remnant of the fear she felt in that moment. She lifted her hand and laid it on his chest— right over his heart— and let the steady beats calm her down and reassure her that Jay was fine. He was right in front of her. His eyes softened at her action and he covered her hand with his, giving it a small squeeze. Just a simple touch between two lovers, a small moment of comfort and assurance in between all the chaos.
"Hey." Erin turned to find Adam coming down the hall, Travis' phone in his hand. She dropped her hand from Jay's chest and waited for Adam to reach them. "So it's like you said. The number connects to a burner phone. Or I should say connected since whoever was on the other side was smart to dump it. The number is disconnected now."
Adam handed her the phone back. Erin and Jay shared a look, neither of them looking surprised by what Adam was telling them. Charlie definitely knew how to hide his tracks.
"Travis made a call when he was running. Charlie knows that Travis got picked up," Jay said.
"There's only one reason why Travis would call Charlie. He's the supplier. I want to talk to Travis," Erin said, pushing herself off the wall. "We need to get down to the bottom of this."
"Okay." Jay followed her inside the room, ready to provide backup for her.
Travis had his head buried in his hands and for a brief second, Erin was reminded of the little boy that she used to babysit when Annie worked double shifts. The one that Erin had bought so many Christmas, birthdays and Easter presents for. He had grown up and he was a man now but Erin still saw him as that little boy that she loved so much. Her godson.
She pulled the chair and sat down, Travis slowly lifting his head up to meet her. His eyes immediately shifted downwards but Erin saw the guilt and shame on his face.
"Travis."
"Is my mom here?" he asked right away. "Did you call her?"
Erin nodded. "She'll be here soon. But I don't know if you'll be able to see her."
His jaw twitched. "Am I under arrest?"
Erin exchanged a glance with Jay before turning back to him. "That depends on you," Jay replied.
"On?"
"On how cooperative you are with us," Erin answered, resting on her elbows and leaning closer to Travis. "Who's your supplier, Travis?" she asked directly.
He crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair. "What?"
"Where did you get the coke from? I know you didn't make it yourself. So who's your supplier?" Jay repeated the question.
Travis kept his eyes on the table and his mouth shut, not willing to give them the answer they were looking for.
"Travis, you're in a lot of trouble here. You were caught selling cocaine on the street and with the amount you had on you, you're looking at prison."
He snapped his head up at that. "But this is my first time." There was fear on Travis' face when Erin mentioned jail time. "I can't...I'm a first time offender," he stammered.
"It doesn't matter. Not when you were caught not only with possession with distribution also," Erin explained. She bent her head down to catch his eyes, making sure he saw how serious she was. "The only way that you might be able to avoid prison is if you tell us who your supplier is. Then we can tell the judge that you cooperated with us and he might be able to give you probation instead."
Travis grunted and rubbed his face harshly. "I'm not going to snitch!" he gritted out angrily.
"Is it Charlie Pugliese? Is he your supplier?" Jay asked bluntly. "Travis, did you get the drugs from your father?"
"No!" he shouted, slamming his hands on the table. "My dad had nothing to do with this. So leave him out of it!"
"We got your phone, Travis and the last number you called when you were running away from Officer Halstead, it was under 'dad' in your contact. We tried that number and it's a burner phone. Why did you call Charlie? Were you giving him a heads up about what happened?"
"I'm not answering any more questions. I want a lawyer."
Erin looked over at Jay and she could see him getting annoyed, especially when Travis said the word 'lawyer'. Jay rubbed his chin. "You want a lawyer? Fine. It's your right but I'm telling you, Travis. We get a lawyer in here and your chances for a deal is off the table."
Travis looked at them like he didn't quite believe them. "That's not fair!"
Erin knocked on the table, snapping Travis' attention back to her. "Look at me," she demanded. "I'm your best chance of you staying out of prison. You understand? A lawyer won't be much help to you," she tried to explain. She needed Travis to see that they were on his side and Travis asking for a lawyer would just end up tying their hands more from helping him. "And right now, the smartest thing you can do is just tell us the name of your supplier." Travis looked unsure, like he didn't know what to do.
"Why are you protecting someone that's not willing to protect you?" Jay questioned. "Why ruin your future over someone that doesn't give a damn about you?"
"That's not true!" Travis shouted, slamming his hands again in another outburst. "He cares about me!" Jay hit a nerve and Travis slipped up.
"You think if your dad really cared about you, he would've made you do these things?" Jay continued, trying to break through to Travis. Erin knew it was hard for Travis to hear but he needed to hear the truth. Charlie didn't care about anyone but himself. If Travis was willing to go to prison to protect Charlie then Travis at least deserved the truth about who he was protecting.
"My dad loves me!" Travis argued, "He loves me. He would've been there for me if he could've," he repeated, like he was trying to convince himself of it. "But you guys ran him out of my life." He pointed his finger at Erin. "It's your fucking fault that I didn't know him growing up!"
Erin bristled from the outburst of anger. Jay looked like he was about to jump up from his seat but she discreetly laid her hand on his lap, holding him back.
"Your mom wanted to protect you. We both did."
"He was my father. I didn't have him growing up and now I finally do and you're trying to take him away from me again," Travis snarled. "I won't let you do this again."
"Travis, all I'm trying to do is to protect you," Erin tried to reason with Travis, hoping that he would see the truth.
"My dad will protect me."
"Yeah? How is he going to do that when you're in prison?" Jay shot back, hitting Travis with the hard questions. "Do you think he's going to turn himself in and take your place in prison? Or get himself thrown in so he could be your cellmate and protect you from becoming someone's lackey in there?"
Travis scoffed in disbelief and he turned to Erin, like he was waiting for her to deny what Jay was the truth. But she just shrugged. She needed to make Travis face the cold hard facts. She couldn't sugarcoat this for him.
"You're bluffing," Travis stated confidently.
"Where's Charlie?" Erin cut in, just wanting to get his location as soon as possible but Travis wasn't talking. She released a frustrated sigh. "Travis, look at me. Hey!" Travis finally met her eyes when she raised her voice. "You have a choice here, Travis. You can either tell us where Charlie is and go home with your mom tonight or you can protect him and sleep in a jail cell."
He snorted. "Those are my choices? Either snitch or go to jail?" Erin just nodded. "Fuck you," he spat. "You and my mom kept my dad out of my life and now you can't stand that he's back in my life the way he should've been from the start."
"Your mom and I were trying to protect you," Erin argued.
"Yeah right," he scoffed, shaking his head. "You just hated him and made him out to be a villain in your heads when he didn't do anything wrong."
She knitted her eyebrows. "Is that what Charlie told you? That he didn't do anything wrong?" Erin asked, outraged. "Travis, Charlie has done a lot of bad things in his life."
"And you haven't? Or my mom hasn't?" Travis interjected. "Or do you just think that I didn't know about who you were when you were younger?" He turned to Jay. "Did she tell you what she and my mom did when they were younger? Did she tell you everything she has done?" He turned his enraged eyes back on Erin. "You have no right to talk here. Not when you were a whore."
Erin reeled back like she had been slapped, her jaw parting in shock.
"Hey!" Jay thundered, jumping up from his seat in fury. His face was turning redder by the second, ready to defend Erin. "You watch your damn mouth or I'll happily drag you down to a jail cell right now without giving you a chance to save your ass!"
"Jay," Erin whispered, placing her hand on his back to calm him down. She appreciated him being angry on her behalf and wanting to defend her but it wouldn't help the situation right now. "It's okay," she mouthed, letting him know that she was fine. Jay's jaw was tense but he sat back down, still emitting anger with his body language. But he gave her a small nod, letting her know that he would stay calm.
She presented him with a small smile so he'd see that she was fine. Hurt but fine. Then she set her eyes on Travis and her own anger deflated when she saw the ashamed look on his face. She crossed her fingers and leaned across the table.
"You're right, Travis," she began, her voice raw and heavy. "Your mom and I, we've done things that we are not proud of. Things that we would take back if we could and found some other way to get by. That is why when your mom was pregnant with you, she made a promise to herself that she would make sure that you would get a better life than she did. So that you wouldn't have to do things that she did to do to survive. I saw how hard she worked, how much she struggled to give you the best life she could. She worked so hard to keep you safe, to keep you away from the environment that would hurt you. The environment that Charlie thrived in."
"He was still my father," Travis mumbled, shifting his head to the side so he wouldn't have to look at Erin. But she saw the clear remorse on his face and knew that he didn't mean what he had said earlier. It was him lashing out in anger and probably fear of losing his dad again.
"Trust me, Travis. Blood doesn't make family," Erin replied.
"Neither does DNA," Jay chimed in. "A father is supposed to provide for you and support you. He's supposed to keep you safe, keep you away from trouble. Not get you into it. If your dad is your supplier then Travis, he's not keeping you safe."
"He is!" Travis protested. "It was my idea! You don't understand."
"Then explain it to us," Erin prodded. "Travis, make us understand."
He ran his hands through his hair in frustration. "Ugh," he grunted. "Okay. He really didn't make me do anything."
Erin held up her hand to stop him from rambling. "Let's start from the beginning. When did he come back in your life? Because Annie told me that you were living in dorms at Northwestern."
"A couple of months ago, he came to campus and found me. At the time, I only vaguely remembered meeting him that one time in the diner." Erin nodded, recalling the time she had facilitated the meeting between all of them with Annie's permission. Charlie had acted like he had changed at the time but it didn't take long for him to show his true colors. "He wanted to take me out to dinner and I went. But he told me to keep it between us because he knew mom would freak out. Then he kept coming around, taking me to parks, games, buying me different things." He shook his head. "But it wasn't just about what he bought me, okay? He was there and for the first time in my life, I had a father."
Erin nodded. She could empathize with Travis. Of wanting a parent so badly in his life that he was willing to overlook all the red flags. Her heart hurt for Travis. "Okay. How did you get into selling coke? How did it start?"
He looked unsure for a brief second and clenched his eyes shut. "Dad stopped coming around so often after a while. I was angry and hurt so I confronted him. He told me that he couldn't come around as often as before because he was busy. He wanted to come and buy me everything I wanted and he wanted to make up for lost time. But he couldn't do that because he owed money and if he didn't come up with enough money in time, he'd have to move away again. I told him that I didn't care about the things. I just wanted him around and that if he was really having money trouble, I could get a job on campus and help him out."
"And what did he say to that?" Jay asked.
"He said that some crappy minimum wage job on campus wouldn't be enough. Not when there was a better and faster way to make money that will get rid of his debt faster."
"Selling drugs," Erin guessed. She bit her lip in anger at how easily Charlie manipulated Travis. "So he made you sell drugs?"
"No, he didn't," Travis denied. "He just pointed out that since I was in college, there were a lot of potential customers on campus. He was just laying out facts that he could make a lot of money with a whole new customer base. I volunteered to sell it for him and give him the money. It was my idea because I wanted to help him. I wanted him to pay off his debt faster so he would spend time with me again. It was all my idea."
"But he didn't turn you down, did he?" Jay pointed out. Travis shook his head. "He manipulated you, Travis. He gave you some sob story of wanting to make up for lost time when he just wanted to recruit you for his little business and tap into a whole campus of students with cash ready."
Travis was in denial, unable to see the truth that was in front of him. "How many times do I have to tell you that it was my idea? He didn't force me to do anything. I wanted to help him so we could go back to the way things were. When he was around and we'd go to games. I just wanted my dad in my life."
"Are you the only one selling for him?" Travis immediately dropped his head, giving them the answer without saying anything. "He has other people selling for him?"
He nodded reluctantly. "Just a few of my friends, okay? They're just short on money and they don't have scholarships so I just wanted to help them out. And it helps my dad out at the same time and makes him more money. It's not a big deal."
"Travis, I have no doubt that your intentions were genuine but your dad, this is what he does." Erin couldn't even begin to explain to Travis just how manipulative Charlie could be. He seemed to be an expert at tapping into that part of you that was vulnerable and taking advantage of it and using it for his own good. Just like he saw her and Annie on the street and took them in. For a price, of course. Just like how he saw an opportunity with Travis and wormed his way into his son's life, all so he could manipulate Travis into selling drugs for him and making Travis think it was his own idea.
"He changed." Travis was adamant. "Okay, he might not have been the best guy before but he's changed."
"If he was giving you the drugs to sell to college kids, then no, he hasn't," Erin argued. "I know you want to believe that your father is a good man but Travis, good men don't do this. They don't make their son sell drugs and pocket the money. They don't leave their son high and dry when police come around."
"He hasn't left me," Travis interjected.
Erin sighed and took out the phone from her pocket and placed it on the table. "You want proof? Here's your phone. Go ahead. Try giving your dad a call. Tell him that you got away and ask him for help. See what he says."
Erin already knew that Charlie had already gotten rid of the phone as soon as he got word that Travis had got snatched by the cops. If there was one thing she knew about Charlie, it was that he was willing to do anything to save his own ass. But Travis didn't know that. Erin saw the hope on his face, the belief that his dad would come through for him. It'd be hard to see the reaction when he realized that Charlie wouldn't pick up but it was something Travis needed to know. He slowly picked up the phone and dialed.
"Put it on speaker," Jay said. As soon as Travis made the call, the message of the number being disconnected came through from the other side, proving Erin's point.
Travis hung up and dialed again, unable to process what he heard. "Come on, dad," he muttered to himself as he made the call over and over again. Erin took the phone from him, unable to take the betrayed and heartbroken look on his face anymore.
"I'm sorry, Travis," she said, trying to hold herself strong against the look of hurt on his face.
"No, he wouldn't do this," he kept on mumbling to himself, sounding so much like a lost broken boy. Tears fell down his face and he quickly wiped them away.
Erin couldn't just sit back and watch any longer so she got up and went around the table over to Travis and laid a comforting hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry." She didn't really know what else to say. What could she say to comfort him when his illusion of Charlie being a good father had just been shattered? Travis was heartbroken and Erin's heart was broken for him too.
"Travis," Jay called him gently. "Erin told me that you got into Northwestern with a full ride scholarship. That's amazing, man. That couldn't have been easy."
"You're such a smart kid and you have such a bright future ahead of you," Erin added.
"So don't let this mistake ruin everything you have worked so hard for. Tell us where your dad is and we'll make sure to keep you safe," he promised. Erin patted Travis' shoulder, encouraging him to take the deal.
Travis tossed his head back and looked up at the ceiling. "I don't know where he is."
"Travis," Erin started, thinking that he was turning down the deal and still protecting Charlie.
"No, I'm telling you the truth. I really don't know where he is," Travis swore. "I've never been to where he lives. He usually comes by the dorms. That number is the only number I have for him and now that it's disconnected I don't even know how to reach him."
"So he has never taken you to his home?" Jay questioned. Travis shook his head. "Is there a location other than the dorms you guys would meet?"
Travis thought the question over. "Yeah. Um, we'd usually meet at this diner. That's where we'd do business, you know. Where I'd pick up the supply and hand over the cash."
"What's the diner name?"
It felt like hours by the time they were finally done talking to Travis and exited the interrogation room. Erin's body sagged against the wall, just completely drained. Both emotionally and physically.
"You up for checking out the diner or do you want patrol to pick Charlie up?"Jay asked after seeing the exhaustion on her face.
"No, we'll do it. We have to finish it," she replied. As much as Erin wanted to pretend like Charlie was just another perp, she couldn't. This was personal because Charlie had dragged someone she loved into his mess and that was something Erin couldn't just stand by and watch.
Jay nodded and he released a sigh. "This whole thing is crazy," he muttered. "How the hell did we get sucked into another one of Charlie's mess?"
Erin shrugged. "He has a talent for that. Annie is going to be heartbroken."
As soon as Erin mentioned Annie's name, her oldest friend came barreling down the hallway. She looked frantic, obviously worried about her son.
"Erin. Where's Travis? What happened?" she panted, looking frantic.
Erin held onto her arms to stop her from talking. "Annie, Travis is okay. He's okay."
"He's okay?" Erin nodded and only then did a small amount of relief appeared on Annie's face. "What happened? How did he get caught with drugs?"
"Jay and I caught him selling drugs, Annie. He had a few baggies of coke on him and a lot of cash."
Annie looked shocked, like she couldn't wrap her mind around it. Erin didn't blame her. Travis had never been a troublemaker in his life so this new development seemed almost like a dream.
"How? He…" Annie shut her eyes. "I can't believe it. My son doesn't do these things. He never has. Why would he sell drugs now and throw his whole future away?"
It was hard to tell Annie about Charlie but Erin knew she needed to. "Annie, Charlie is back in town."
Annie looked stunned and she took a step back. "Charlie?" The fear was loud in her voice. "He's back?" The realization dawned on her face. "He's the one that got Travis into this?"
"He told Travis to keep him being back in town from you. He's the one that's supplying Travis with the drugs and he's the one that's keeping all the money."
"That bastard!" Annie raged. "That son of a bitch. Where is he? I'm going to kill him!"
"Annie, I know you're angry. I'm pissed off as hell myself."
"I knew he would cause trouble for us again one day. I knew him completely being out of our lives was too good to be true." She grabbed Erin's arms. "Erin, we worked too hard to make sure he couldn't hurt us again."
"And he won't," Erin promised. "Not you and not certainly Travis."
Annie covered her mouth with her trembling hands. "It looks like it's too late. Is...is my son under arrest?"
Erin met Jay's eyes and saw the troubled look on his face. "Not yet," he replied. "He was cooperative with us and he told us the location where Charlie might be. This was his first offense and he is a good kid so we'll let him go. This time."
Annie sighed in relief. Erin gave Jay a grateful look. This wasn't easy for Jay, to look the other way and let Travis go without arresting him. Erin knew that he was doing it for her, knowing just how important Travis was to her.
"Can I see him?" Annie asked.
"Why don't you take him home?" Erin replied, ready to open the door so Annie could see Travis.
"What about Charlie?" Annie asked before going inside.
Jay came up behind Erin. "Leave Charlie to us," he stated firmly. "We'll get him."
Annie just nodded before going inside the interrogation room, leaving Jay and Erin alone.
"Thank you," Erin whispered, resting her hand on his chest again. She wanted him to know just how grateful he was for helping out Travis. "I know this isn't easy for you."
"He is a good kid. I don't want his future to be ruined over this." He exhaled. "Dads, right? Seems like every father-son relationship I know is fucked up."
Erin held his face so she could see his eyes. "I know one father-son relationship that won't be," she declared. Jay grinned, knowing that she was talking about him and he linked their hands together and pressed a soft kiss on the back of her hand.
They stepped apart when Annie and Travis came out of the room. Annie had her arms around Travis' shoulder and he had his head down, keeping his eyes on the floor.
"I can't even begin to thank you for helping us out," Annie conveyed. "Really, thank you."
Erin just smiled. "Sure," Jay spoke.
"Go home, Annie," Erin instructed. "We'll take care of the rest."
Annie nodded and they began to leave. "Travis." They stopped when Jay called out his name. "Remember, this is a one-time thing. We'll look the other way just this once. Next time we catch you doing something like this again, we won't go easy on you."
Travis just nodded meekly and started to leave again before he stopped himself and turned back around. "Auntie Erin," he called, hesitantly meeting Erin's eyes. "I'm sorry for what I said to you earlier. I didn't mean it and I...I'm sorry."
Erin felt Jay took a step closer behind her, silently giving her support. "You're forgiven," Erin told Travis. "This time," she added, using Jay's words to let Travis know that this couldn't become a pattern for him. Erin understood that Travis was genuine with his apology and that was the only reason why she was looking the other way.
"Thank you," Travis whispered quietly before he engulfed Erin in a tight hug. "I love you."
Erin couldn't stop herself from smiling and patted his back. "I love you too. Remember, stay out of trouble. We'll be watching you."
Travis nodded and Annie mouthed a final thank you before they finally left.
Erin took a deep sigh and turned to Jay.
"Ready to go get the bastard?" Jay asked.
"So ready."
Jay shoved his hands into his pockets as he scanned around the street. He and Erin had been hoping that they'd be lucky enough to catch Charlie at his hangout spot according to Travis but there was no sign of him.
"I talked to the waitress and she confirmed that Charlie is a regular here but he hasn't shown up at all today," Erin filled him in when she came out of the diner.
"Great," he muttered. "He could be in the wind." That was a possibility now that Travis had tipped off Charlie last night.
"He wouldn't skip town without making sure he had enough cash to sustain him," Erin theorized. "He's not coming back to the diner now that he thinks Travis got pinched. If he is really hard up for cash like Travis then he'll be scrounging around for money."
Jay agreed with Erin. Charlie wouldn't leave empty-handed. If anything, he would lay low until he thought the coast was clear. Jay's brain went to work and tried to think of places where Charlie could be hiding.
"I know a place we can check out." Erin looked at him questioningly. "He might be hiding out at the hole in the wall that me and Ruzek caught him at all those years ago."
"Lead the way," Erin said, following him in the car as they headed toward the apartment complex that Jay had come face to face with Charlie all those years ago.
He turned the volume dial down on the radio and sneaked a glance over at Erin. The good thing about being back in his truck— other than the way more comfortable seats— was the fact that he was the one driving. But it seemed as though Erin was the happier of the two about the fact because it had given her ample time to just look out the window in silence, deep in thought.
Jay rubbed the bottom of his face, thinking of a way to break Erin out of her thoughts gently. She had been quiet the whole ride and Jay had a guess as to why.
"Babe," he called her quietly not to startle her. "Are you okay?" Erin just replied with a small nod, her face still turned away from him and her eyes still looking out the window. "Talk to me, babe. You've been quiet. What are you thinking?"
Erin finally turned to meet his gaze and she pressed her mouth together, her dimples forming from the action. She teared her eyes away from him and looked down at her lap, playing with her fingers.
"Erin?" Jay called, wanting to get inside of her head and see what was troubling her.
"I'm just thinking," she began, her voice barely above a whisper. "How can I be a good mother if I can't even look at my children in the face?"
Jay frowned. "What? Is this about what Travis said to you earlier?" Jay knew she was hurt by what Travis said in the heat of the moment. Jay had wanted to hit Travis when he had lashed out, despite Jay knowing that Travis didn't really mean it. But seeing that look on Erin's face— the one filled with hurt and pain— Jay wanted to hurt anyone that put that look on her face.
She shrugged. "It's not like he said any lies. I did do those things and I was a whore."
"Don't call yourself that," Jay objected stoutly. "You were never a whore. You were a kid, Erin. You were just a kid that was trying to survive to see another day. There's no shame in that."
"Then why do I keep thinking about it?" Erin questioned. She tucked her hair behind her ear. "I know Travis didn't mean what he said. He was scared and angry and he didn't mean it but I just keep thinking about it." She turned to face him. "Jay, it felt like he stabbed me when he said those words. I know he's not my kid but I watched him grow up and I love him so much. When he called me that, it was like someone slapped me."
Jay reached for her hand and held it in his own. He saw the reaction on her face when she heard what Travis said. The shock and pain were written so clearly across her features that Jay's protective streak towards her came roaring out. He had wanted to drag Travis down to jail right then and there for what he said to Erin. But Erin had stopped him from doing so and she had so easily forgiven Travis.
"And I keep thinking," Erin continued. "If it hurt that much to hear those types of words coming from Travis, then how am I going to feel when it's our children?"
Jay spun his head towards her direction, the impact of her question hitting him head on. "Erin, our children will never say those things to you," he vowed.
Erin just smiled sadly. "They're going to know the truth one day, Jay. They're going to know how my life was when I was younger and everything I did. We can't keep it from them. How can I parent and discipline them when I've done so much worse? I'll be a complete hypocrite." She shifted her face to the windows again, avoiding his gaze. "Maybe I'm just not meant to be a mom," she mumbled.
Even though Erin kept her voice low and barely coherent when she uttered those words, they resonated loud in Jay's ears and he swore he lost his breath. Self-doubt and self-contempt laced her words like poison and Jay wanted to extract it all out from her. To get rid of all the insecurity and replace it with something sweeter. To remind her of all the dreams she had for herself, the life they've planned together.
"Erin. Being a good parent doesn't mean you need to have a perfect past," Jay said. "That's not what's important. What's important is will you be there to support them? To love them? To give them the best life we can? Everything you've been through, all the good and the bad? Well, that just means that you can share your experiences with our kids and how you grew from them."
She glimpsed over at him and she ran her fingers over his jaw, her soft skin in contrast with his rough stubbles. "So you don't think that our kids will hate me for what I've done?"
Jay held her hand and pressed his lips on her skin. "I think— no, I know— that our kids will love you as much as I do, which is a lot."
"A lot?" Erin asked, her voice sounding lighter.
"A lot. A lot," Jay grinned, giving her a wink. "A ridiculous amount, really." She cracked a smile and Jay thought it was the most beautiful sight he had seen all week.
"You're ridiculous," Erin muttered with an eye-roll that she always gave him when she was secretly pleased and amused by him. Jay considered his mission of cheering her up a success and kept their joined hands on his lap, feeling encouraged when Erin didn't move her hand away.
"Yeah?" The guy on the other side slurred when he opened the door, a strong odor hitting both he and Erin right in the face. "Who are you?"
The guy looked straight out of his mind, clearly high on something. Probably heroin, judging by the track marks that were on the guy's arm. His eyes were so glazed over that he couldn't even process that Jay was holding up his badge right in front of his face.
"Chicago P.D," Jay announced, pushing the guy to the side and entering his place.
"Hey! Do you guys have a warrant?' the guy asked as Jay and Erin looked around the dingy apartment.
"Nope."
"Then you can't be in here. Get out!" he demanded. He grabbed the gun that was sitting on the table out of Jay's hand. "You have no right to be here!"
"You have a license for the gun?" Erin asked with her arms crossed.
"No it's just for protection but that doesn't mean you can just come into my home and take whatever you want!"
"Actually all we did was knock on your door and you answered with drugs and contraband in plain sight. Of course, we can't look past you having illegal substances in your apartment and not do anything about it," Jay explained. "Or you can help us out and answer some questions for us and we'll be on our way."
The guy groaned. "This is bullshit and you know it." He fell back on the couch. "What do you want?"
"Have you seen Charlie Pugliese?" Erin questioned.
"Charlie? What do you want with him?"
"That's not your concern," Erin replied. "Your main concern right now is to give us a straight answer. Have you seen Charlie?"
The guy groaned some more, unwilling to give up Charlie. Jay just huffed.
"You know that I can arrest you right here and now without a second thought right? The only thing saving your burnout ass from prison is your willingness to answer questions. Where is Charlie?"
"I don't know," the guy gritted out. "I haven't seen him in a while."
"But he was here?" Erin asked.
"He was but not anymore," he clarified. "The last I heard he was running some shit or something. Said he came into some lucrative business opportunity and bolted."
Jay and Erin shared a look, knowing exactly what kind of lucrative opportunity Charlie came across. Erin shook her head and looked at the table. Her eyes narrowed in on something and she picked something up.
"Jay," she called him over and he went around the table to get a closer look. "This label. I know it," she whispered. Jay studied the small label around the bottle of heroin. It was a skull symbol with the word "Terminator' written next to it. Jay had never seen this brand on the job before but Erin looked shaken just from seeing the brand.
She glanced up at Jay and she whispered, "I know where Charlie is."
Erin could feel Jay's eyes on her the entire ride to Charlie's location. But she purposely kept her eyes on the road— grateful that she had insisted on driving earlier so it gave her a task to focus on. Jay didn't say anything but she could feel the worry and concern wafting off of him.
She knew she had been acting out of sorts since the whole thing started. The whole night of dealing with Travis had turned into a morning of wild goose chase for Charlie. But if Charlie was really pushing drugs using college students, then he needed to be stopped. Simple as that.
She saw Jay opened his mouth to say something a few times but he stopped himself every time. Probably because he didn't want to push her. Instead, he was giving her time to work though the mess that was going on in her head and she was grateful for that. She showed her appreciation by meeting his hand over the center console and linking their fingers together. He gave her a small squeeze back and even just that small action steadied her more than she could put into words.
Charlie's possible location became closer when white picket fences turned into chain link ones, the neighborhood getting rougher and more dangerous the longer they drove. But Erin wasn't scared. Not of the neighborhood, anyway. Not when she grew up in it.
Finally, they arrived in front of a house where the descriptor of being run-down was a compliment. It was shabby to put it nicely but it blended perfectly well into the other houses on the street that no one would take a second look. She parked the car but her hands were still gripping the steering wheel. Almost as if she was still trying to build up her courage to get out and go inside the house. Jay just kept his eyes on her but he was waiting patiently for her to explain.
Erin sucked in a breath and gathered herself. "That label earlier. I recognized it because that was the brand of dope that I first used. The one that got me hooked." Understanding dawned on Jay's face and she could hear his sharp inhale. "That's Charlie's brand."
"And this house?"
Erin looked behind Jay to the house standing a few feet away, still looking the same as it did almost 20 years ago. "That's the house I used to live in with Charlie. The house where I would bring...customers back home."
Jay's hold on her hand tightened. "You don't have to go in. I can go check and see if he's inside by myself," Jay offered, seeing the battle she was having internally on her face.
"No," Erin refused. "I have to do this. I can do this."
Jay nodded, trusting her. "Well, you don't have to do it alone. I'm right here with you."
She looked into his eyes and held his gaze, her mouth splitting into a small smile. "I know," she whispered. "And that's the only thing getting me through it."
They stepped outside of the car and Erin paused. Jay came around to her side and pulled her into his arms. "You can do it," he breathed into her hair. "I'm here."
They headed for the house, Erin trying to keep her face emotionlessly as they reached the door. Jay knocked but there was no answer. Erin snuck a peek from the window and saw the house empty.
"There's no one inside," she relayed to Jay. "But I know how we can get in."
Jay watched curiously as Erin bent down and pulled a brick from the wall on the bottom. She turned it over and saw the spare key hidden inside of it.
"Charlie's idea," she explained. "He didn't want to miss out on us earning the money just because we forgot our keys."
She saw a flash of anger on his face when she nonchalantly explained what she and Annie used to do for Charlie and just what the price was for her to stay at the house. She just ignored it for now, knowing that if she gave credence to his anger then she wouldn't be able to step inside the house. Not when she was already trying so hard to hold herself together and pretend that this was just another ordinary house. Not the one with the ghosts of her past waiting for her.
They stepped inside and Erin was hit with the overwhelming memories of her past life. The one that felt like another life ago but always remained in the periphery, rendering her unable to completely leave it in the past where it belonged. She went further inside to the living room and she could feel the bile rising up in her throat when she spotted the couch where she used to….
She couldn't stop herself from gagging and Jay immediately came up behind her, placing his hand on her back.
"Erin, you okay?" he asked, sounding a lot calmer than she knew he was feeling. She swallowed and took a few deep breaths before giving Jay a reply.
"I'm fine," she mumbled, her voice sounding rough even to her own ears. "Let's just look around and see what's here."
Jay looked unsure but he did what she asked anyway. They searched the house but it was nearly empty and barely looked like anyone had been living in it. They headed to the kitchen and Jay opened the fridge, revealing a six-pack as well as a few cans of Red Bulls, telling them that despite the rough condition of the house, someone had been living here. Charlie, if they had to guess.
"This was the house I lived in when I stopped going home and Charlie took me and Annie in." She glanced around the house that she once thought would be a safe haven for her but turned out to be a nightmare of another kind. With food and heat but just as soul-crushing as the home she shared with Bunny.
Jay wrapped his arms around her like he was protecting her from ghosts of yesterday past and Erin just buried her face in his chest, breathing him in. She allowed herself a few seconds to just hold him tight, to remind herself that those memories couldn't hurt her. She had made it out. She had survived and most importantly, she had so much to look forward to.
She pulled apart from him and patted his chest a few times, just to let him know how much she appreciated his support for her. Jay was the everything good in her life, the dream that she never dared to dream when she was younger. But somehow, he came true and miraculously enough, he loved her.
"Come on, I know a way to check if Charlie is still around."
She led him to a bedroom, ignoring the half made bed and a few paraphernalia strewn about. She got on her knees and pulled out a chest underneath the bed and opened it to find a small safe inside of it.
"This was where Charlie kept his stash. He thought no one knew about it and that his money would be safe," Erin explained as she pressed a few numbers and the safe clicked, unlocking the content inside. "Looks like he hasn't changed in more ways than one," she commented, picking up a few stacks of cash that were inside and showing it to Jay.
"If his money is still here then so is Charlie," Jay reasoned.
She nodded, agreeing with him. There was no way he would skip town without money. "So he knows that Travis got picked up by the cops so he got to assume that it's only so long before the cops come for him. So why hasn't he skipped town yet?"
"Maybe there's something he needs before he can." Jay released an impressed whistle when he took another look at just how much cash was inside. "That's got to be what? At least $20k? He's not leaving without it so he's definitely coming back for that."
Erin raised her eyebrow and smirked. "And we'll be waiting when he does."
Erin took one last glance around the room, just taking a moment to face the past life and the girl she used to be.
"Hey," Jay called her, voice gentle and soft, and she felt his hand resting on her shoulder. "You okay?"
Erin turned around to meet his face and gave him a small nod. "Yeah. I'm okay," she reassured him. "I'm just thinking of who I used to be. The girl that lived here and did all those things." She dropped her chin to her chest. "I guess I'm just embarrassed."
Jay lifted her chin up with his fingers and gazed into her eyes. "Don't be. You have nothing to be embarrassed about." He spoke with so much conviction in his voice like he was determined to push out all the self-deprecating thoughts out of her head with his words.
"I know but still," she shrugged. "Being back here just made me think of what could've happened if my life turned out a different way. If Hank didn't give me his card and I had stayed with Charlie, this is the life that I would still be in."
"I don't think so," Jay protested. "I know you would've made it out one way or another."
She narrowed her eyes and there was a hint of a smile on her lips. "How would you know?"
He held her in an embrace, his hand on her back and the other tenderly caressing the side of her face. "Because you are a fighter. A survivor. There's no way you would've given up, with or without Voight." He cupped her face so she couldn't look away from him. "And I know because I know we are meant to meet. There's no doubt in my mind about that."
Erin couldn't help but smile back at him, her heart threatening to burst with just how much she loved this man. The one that always managed to break through her doubts and the voices in her head to remind her of all the good things in her life. The one that loved her so vehemently that it was impossible for her not to love herself too.
"Thanks. Not only for saying it but actually meaning it." She brought her head up to press her lips against his. It was just a fleeting kiss but she could still feel Jay smile into it.
"Have I told you how amazing you are?" Jay asked breathily.
"Not today," she retorted.
He smoothed away the hair from her forehead and tucked it behind her ears, never taking his eyes off of her for a second. "Well, you are. I know this was really hard for you to be back here but you are so strong. You always have been, even back when you were just a teenager just trying to make it so you'd see tomorrow. You said you were embarrassed of that girl. I'm not. I'm thankful to that girl because she allowed for this woman to stand in front of me. If it wasn't for her, you wouldn't be here and my heart wouldn't be in the shape of a person. She gave me the love of my life and for that, I'm so grateful to her."
Erin felt her eyes begin to glisten at Jay's declaration. How in the world did she get so lucky, she had no clue. But someway somehow despite everything she had been through in her life, she had found someone that made her feel so…..complete. It was such a cliche— one that Erin would cringe at if she ever had to say those words out loud— but it was the truth. Hearing Jay say those wonderful things made everything she had been through— the good, the bad and the worst— worth it. All the cold hungry nights, the nights spent hiding under her bed to hide from Bunny's new flavor of the month, the days spent on the street, the nights she didn't want to remember in this house— they had all been worth it because Jay was right. What she had done in the past and who she was made her the person she was today.
The past shaped the future and Erin knew that her future was in the shape of Jay.
"What are you thinking? Was it too cheesy?" Jay asked, looking at her with eyes so blue and bright it just seemed to light up the room around them. A dark room that was filled with so many dark memories didn't stand a chance against the light that was Jay and his smile.
She scrunched her nose just to tease him a bit. "HMmm," she pursed her mouth, seemingly thinking her answer over. "Cheesy. So cheesy that I got goosebumps."
Jay chuckled before he brought her closer to him, pressing their bodies together. "Maybe you got goosebumps because I got you like this," he purred, stressing his point by pulling her even closer. She just hid the smile that was threatening to break out on her lips with her finger, not giving Jay the satisfaction of confirming his thought. "Yeah, I knew you liked it. You can play it cool all you want, babe but admit it, you love it when I say something cheesy."
"I love you," Erin corrected. And as she stared into his eyes, every thought in her mind vanished and the only thing that remained was just how much she wanted to marry him right then and there. It just reaffirmed to her that Jay was the one she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. The one she wanted to marry. To buy a home with. To build a life with. All of her earlier apprehensions about things moving too fast just faded and Erin had clarity on just how much she wanted to marry him. How much she wanted that future— the one they dreamed about together— right now.
"What?" Jay nudged her after she hadn't said anything and just continued to look into his eyes. "What's on your mind?"
"I want to marry you so bad," she confessed and Jay's eyes began to crinkle at the corners when her words reached him. She could feel him tightened his hold on her and she stroked his chest. "Right here and now if I could."
Jay didn't say anything. Instead he just laid the most tenderest of kisses on her forehead. A kiss that made her feel so warm, safe and loved. The kind of kiss that only Jay could give her. When they broke apart, she saw the hint of a smirk that was beginning to form on his mouth and Erin just knew that he was about to make his patented smartass comment. She cocked her eyebrow, waiting for him to make it.
"I appreciate the enthusiasm, really. I mean, who can blame you for wanting to marry me that bad," he said with a shrug, as if to say 'look at me'. She just jutted out her lips and bobbed her head a few times, letting him get in his wisecrack. "But before we walk down the aisle, how about we go catch Charlie first? Make sure the bastard can never come back in our lives again."
Erin grinned and nodded. "Lead the way."