CHAPTER 39

One Month Later

"I can't believe how big he's gotten in just a few weeks," I said, latching Wyatt onto my breast to nurse. "He seems to be growing at an accelerated speed! It must be my magic breast milk."

"As often as he's attached to your boobs, he'll be the size of The Hulk before long," said Em. She had been sacrificing every other weekend to come help me with managing the house, Wyatt and Finn.

"He's definitely got one hell of an appetite," I said, watching him suckle at my breast like a ravenous miniature wildebeest. "He's gonna be a big boy, just like his Daddy. There's no doubt in my mind about that." An awkward silence fell between us. I tried to be careful not to talk about it around her, but once in a while it slipped out. Even after a full month, it was no easier for her to hear. The look on her face confirmed it.

"Oh, Em...I'm sorry. I know this is not easy. It's not easy for any of us."

"It is what it is, Mads. I just wish you had been honest with me from the beginning," she said, getting up from the couch. "I'm going to make Finn a snack. Can I get you anything?"

"A cup of herbal tea would be nice."

"You got it, Mads."

When the baby was finished on the first breast, I picked him and gently rubbed his back until a small, but loud belch erupted from him.

"You may eat like your father, but you burp like Em," I said as I latched him onto the other breast. Just as he began sucking away, the doorbell rang.

"I'll get that!" shouted Em from the kitchen. She came out with a glass of milk and a small plate with two cookies on it and set them down on the dining room table.

"Here you go, buddy!" she said, as Finn clambered up into the chair and in his booster seat and began happily munching away. Both of my boys were never happier than when they had food in their mouths. The doorbell rang and Em crossed through the living room to the front door. I heard her groan just before she unlocked the deadbolt.

"He's eating as usual, but I suppose you can come in," she said as she pulled the door open. Jace stepped into the entry hall. She quickly shut the door behind him and when she turned around, she had an unpleasant look on her face. She always did whenever she was here if Jace came to visit. He answered with a perfunctory 'thanks', then peeked his head around the corner.

"Hey, baby," he said. "I'm not interrupting, am I?"

"No, cowboy. You're not interrupting anything. He wouldn't pull off my breast right now if there was an earthquake."

"I don't blame him there," he said with his trademark sly grin. He came into the living room and squatted down next to the chair I was sitting in. "He gets more beautiful every time I see him. So do you, Cook." I reached out and stroked his cheek with my fingertips.

"Jay!" said Finn's excited little voice.

"Hey, pardner!" said Jace, giving him a wave. "I wish your friend was as excited to see me as Finn is."

"I know. I'm sorry. She shouldn't treat you like that. I'll have a talk with her. Would you like to change him and rock him to sleep after he's done eating?"

"Yes, baby...I definitely would." A smile graced his face as it had done everyday since he found out he was Wyatt's father. I couldn't help but smile back at him. Finding out that Wyatt was his son had changed him. He was no longer angry or defensive. Even his normally dark features brightened and softened a little. Jackson Walker was finally experiencing some happiness after fifteen years of living in the dark. I was able to do for him exactly what he had done for me when we first met in Mexico, and that made me incredibly happy. When the baby had finished nursing, I carefully handed him to Jace. He looked so tiny in Jace's big arms.

"OK, Papa...you're on." He gingerly took Wyatt from my hands and cradled him in his big, muscled arms. His hand caressed the baby's head and he lovingly stared down at him. I could see tears welling up in Jace's eyes as he held him. At that moment, I knew what having this baby meant to him. It was a chance to start over. A chance to be the father he always wanted to be...the father he had planned to be to Harper, but never could. This baby helped to save Jace Walker. Unfortunately, it had nearly destroyed Matt. He was devastated when the results of the paternity test came back. As much as my heart soared for Jace and his unbridled joy to have a son, it had also broken into a million pieces for my husband. I felt like I had failed him.

"I'm gonna take him upstairs now, Cook. You coming?"

"I'll be up in a couple of minutes. I want to grab a cup of tea first." Jace nodded, then turned around and headed up the stairs to the boys' bedroom. I retreated to the kitchen to get the cup of tea that Em had promised me. When I walked into the kitchen, she was at the sink rinsing out a few dishes before loading them in the dishwasher. I opened the cabinet door and grabbed a mug for the tea.

"I said I would bring you your tea, Mads. I just got sidetracked when he showed up."

"It's okay. I've got it." She said nothing. She didn't even turn around. She just nodded her head in silent agreement. "You know, Em...Jace is not your enemy. I wish you would remember that."

"I know. He's Casey's enemy, not mine."

"He's not Matt's enemy either. Honestly, the two of you are starting to sound alike. I would never have guessed that would ever happen. Regardless, I want you to be nicer to him. He didn't do anything wrong, least of all to you."

"I'm actually mad at you, Mads, not Walker, but I take it out on him instead of you because you just had a baby. I'm supposed to be your best friend, yet you couldn't tell me the truth about you and him. When I asked you if you had slept with Walker, you said no."

"That's because when you asked me that, it hadn't happened yet, Emily. It wasn't something we planned. It just...happened."

"But why couldn't you tell me that it happened when it did?"

"It was a private thing between me and Jace for reasons you couldn't possibly understand, even if I had the desire to explain it to you. Besides, most women don't wear their adultery on their shoulder, even for their best friends to see. I'm not proud of the fact that I cheated on Matthew."

"But he cheated on you first."

"That had nothing to do with it, Em. Believe me." She turned around and hugged me. Emily wasn't one for public displays of affection, so this meant something to her.

"I'm sorry, Mads. I'll try to be nicer. It's just that Jackson Walker kinda ripped my little world apart."

"He's ripped my little world apart, too. That doesn't make him a bad guy. Matt ripped our little world apart before Jackson Walker did and you didn't treat him like you're treating Jace now. I'm no angel in this scenario either. You might do well to remember that, too." She nodded and wiped her nose on the sleeve of her shirt.

"Love you, chick," she said.

"Love you too, chick," I replied.

"Do you still love Casey?" she asked. It wasn't a completely unexpected question. Em's first defense in times of crisis had always been to protect the little microcosm she lived in.

"Yes, I do."

She nodded and turned back around to finish the dishes. I took my tea and walked back through the living room and headed up the stairs.. When I got to the top of the stairs and peered into the kid's bedroom, I was greeted with the sight of Jace sitting in the big rocking chair in the middle of the room and slowly rocking the baby. He was staring down at him and talking softly. I stood there, silently watching them while I leaned against the door jamb and sipped my tea. Watching him interact with Wyatt brought tears to my eyes. The memories of us anticipating Harper's birth filled my head. He had been cheated out of this experience once before and I wasn't about to let it happen again. He looked up to see me standing in the doorway and motioned with his hand for me to come in. I walked in and stood next to the rocking chair.

"He's so beautiful, Cook. Don't you think he's beautiful?" he whispered.

"Of course I do," I said, refraining to add that I thought Wyatt looked exactly like him.

"Thank you," he whispered, as he got up and laid the baby down in his bassinet. When he turned back around, he wiped a tear away from his cheek. He walked over and stood in front of me.

"You don't have to thank me, Jackson. I…"

"But I do, Cook. You could have dismissed me and what I thought I heard while I was in the coma as bullshit, but you didn't. You were honest about the possibility that I was this baby's father and I will always be grateful for that. Thank you for changing his middle name, too. I know that wasn't an easy decision to make," he said, looking down at me.

"It was something I felt I had to do...for all of us. It wouldn't be fair to you, Matt or Wyatt if I hadn't. This whole thing has made us all realize just where we stand in the scheme of things."

"You know, I actually felt sorry for Casey when we got the results. It must have torn him apart."

"It did, I won't lie. He's hurting pretty badly right now," I said, choking up.

"He's hurt you too, Cook. Don't lie about that either."

"He has, but I can't let that diminish the pain this is causing him. He's recognized that he knows I'm hurting, too."

"Do you think you'll split up? I'm not asking for me, Cook...I'm asking for you because I know you still love him."

"Be honest, cowboy...you're asking a little for yourself."

"Yeah, well..." he said, flashing a sly smile.

"To be honest, I don't know right now. Everything's up in the air at the moment. The only thing I do know is that we need time to sort through this and we can't do that by going on pretending that everything is the same as it was before Wyatt was born."

"How's he taking the separation?"

"He's not happy about it, obviously...but he knows it's necessary. He's tried to deny it, but every time he looks at Wyatt, it's a reminder of my infidelity."

"Just like that baby girl is a reminder of his. Don't forget that, Cook."

"I won't...I can't forget it, but at least I don't have to see her everyday like he'd see Wyatt if we were still living together. It's the same, but different...if that makes any sense." He suddenly pulled me into an embrace. His big arms encircled me and held me close. He chastely kissed the top of my head. As always, being in his strong arms made me feel safe and protected.

"I'm sorry you're going through this, Cook. It's all my fault," he said. I lifted my head from his chest and looked up at him.

"This isn't your fault, Jackson. I made the choice to sleep with you and I believe that everything happens for a reason. The fact that we made a baby together has to mean something...just like Matt having a baby with Gabby Dawson has to mean something. I just wish I knew what it was." His hands splayed on either side of my neck and tilted my head up. He slowly leaned down until his lips were close to mine.

"In my heart, it means that you and I were meant to be together, Cook...nothing more. I still love you like crazy," he said.

"I know...and I love you too, which makes everything seem even more out of control," I said. He leaned in close until his lips brushed against mine.

"Don't, Jackson. You know I can't," I said, pulling his hands away from my face. He reluctantly nodded, acknowledging that he knew why he shouldn't kiss me. He slipped his arm around my waist and walked me over to the side of the bassinet.

"Just look at him, Cook. That's our baby...Wyatt Emerson Walker. That boy is our destiny, baby. I just know it," he said. His voice was so rich with emotion that it pulled at my heart. I leaned my head against the side of his chest as his arm encircled my shoulder.

"Maddy?" Our quiet reverie was broken by the sound of Matt's voice. He was at the bottom of the stairs. I pulled out of Jace's arms and quickly walked to the door of the bedroom. I could hear Finn yelling 'Daddy' and the sound of his little feet running from the dining room to the entry hall.

"Matt's here. I have to go," I said. Jace nodded his head to convey that he understood that I needed to go back downstairs.

"Hello, Matthew," I said, as I reached the bottom of the stairs and rounded the corner into the entry hall. No other words would come to me. I stood there staring at him, unable to take my eyes off of his face. He was holding Finn in his arms. He looked exhausted, like he hadn't slept in days.

"I'm sorry to show up unexpectedly," he said.

"This is still your house, Matt. You don't have to schedule a time to come here or apologize when you don't. I'm a little surprised that you're here, only because I expected you to be on shift today," He kissed Finn on the side of his head and put him back down on the floor. When he looked at me again, he wiped his face with his hands.

"Go finish your milk, buddy. I'll be right there," he said, patting the toddler on the head. "I took a couple of days off to try to wrap my head around everything. How are you feeling?"

"Sore and sleep deprived...just like I did after Finn was born."

"Is the baby asleep?"

"Uh, yeah...he just finished eating, so Jace rocked him for a while and put him down in the bassinet. He should sleep for a couple of hours until he's due to eat again."

"Walker is here?" He sounded surprised even though he must have seen Jace's black Hummer parked on the street in front of the house.

"Yes, Matt. He is. That shouldn't come as a shock to you."

"I know...it's just that...oh, Christ, look, I'm just gonna say this... I know things are crazy right now, but I never expected that we would be separated again, Maddy...and with Walker in the picture, it's complicating everything even more." He turned his face down towards the floor again. He shoved his hands down the front pocket of his jeans and shifted his weight from leg to leg.

"Matt, look at me, please," I said. He lifted his head and his blue green eyes were wet with unshed tears. "You're right. Everything is complicated, but Jace has every right to be here. It's not an easy situation for any of us."

"Seems pretty easy on him," he said, nodding his head towards the stairs. "He gets to come here every day and see you." I suddenly felt my anger rise. He was always in a constant competition with Jace and it infuriated me. He had done the same thing with Kelly several years ago.

"If you think for one minute that Jackson is loving any of this, you are dead wrong, Matthew. Just because he's Wyatt's father does not mean that the scope of this situation is lost on him or that he's amused by any of it. He's a better man than that."

"He's a better man than me, you mean."

"Knock it off, Matthew. Playing the 'poor pitiful me' card will get you nowhere. You're not the only one affected by this, you know. I'm still reeling from learning that you fathered a baby with...her. " I vowed never to speak her name in my house again. We hated each other with a vengeance and I'm sure she was laughing at my expense right now, wherever she was.

"I'm sorry, Maddy...it's just that I love you so damn much. I hate what this has done to us."

"I hate it too, and I still love you, but we have things we have to work through and not living together right now is one of the things I have to do in order to be able to do that."

"But if you still love me, what are you doing with him?"

"I'm not with him, Matthew. He comes to see Wyatt every day. I can't very well deny him seeing his son anymore than I could deny you seeing Finn. We've all been through so much in the last few weeks and I have to sort it all out in my head before I can move forward. You just said that you need to do the same. That's all this separation is about."

"But why can't we just be together? We should be working through this as a couple."

"It's not that simple, Matt."

"Why not?"

"Because we keep hurting each other! We may still be in love, but we've both broken our marriage vows. Don't you see that?"

"No, Maddy...all I see is my wife standing in front of me and me loving her with my whole heart."

"And the fact that I slept with Jace and got pregnant doesn't factor into this at all? Can you honestly tell me that watching Wyatt grow up, knowing he's not your son, wouldn't bother you?"

"No, I can't tell you that it wouldn't bother me because it does. It hurts like hell," he said. He frantically wiped away a few stray tears that rolled down his cheeks.

"And it hurts me to know that you have a child with another woman, let alone one who has never had any respect for me as your girlfriend and even less as your wife. I'm sure she's gloating, knowing that she's got a piece of you now. She'll hold that over our heads for the rest of our lives, Matt...especially mine."

"And you don't think Walker will do the same thing? He's got two children with you now. He's got the advantage over me."

"Children aren't advantages, Matthew, and Jace would never do that."

"You know what I mean, Maddy. He'll never be out of our lives."

"Just like Gabby will never be out of our lives! You knew long before Wyatt was born that Jace would always be in our lives because of Harper. This is exactly why we need some time apart, Matt! Please try to understand that. You can come see Finn anytime you want. Every day and every night that you're not on shift, if you'd like. I would never keep you from him, but you and I can't pretend that everything is okay between us when it clearly isn't."

"And what about Walker? Are you gonna let him play man of the house while I'm out of it?"

"No, Matthew. Jesus, is that what you think this separation is for...so that Jace and I can get back together?"

"It had crossed my mind."

"Well, get it out of your mind because it isn't true...not even a little. I have more integrity than that."

"I'm sorry, Maddy. I didn't mean to imply...it's just...God, this is all so goddamn hard."

"It's been goddamn hard on all of us, Matt," I said, defiantly wiping away a few tears of my own. Matt moved in closer and took me in his arms, wrapping me up in a hug. He held me tightly for several minutes. He cupped my face in his hands and tilted my face up to his.

"I love you," he said. His voice was barely above a whisper.

"I love you too," I said. He leaned his face down closer to mine and placed a soft kiss on my mouth. When he pulled away from me, I could see Jace standing in the entry hall.

"He's out like a light, so I'll just let myself out," said Jace. He had an awkward look on his face.

"Jackson, wait. Don't go yet."

"What is it, Cook?" he said, closing the door softly and walking into the living room until he was next to Matt and me.

"I want you both to understand something. All of us know that this entire situation has been a lot to deal with, but the reality of it is what happened, happened and none of us can change that."

"We know that, Maddy," said Matt. Jace nodded his head, agreeing with Matt.

"That's good, because I still need the two of you to remain civil to each other while we work through all of this. I don't want to deal with any macho bullshit or battling for position. This isn't a war to be won. The only people that matter here are Finn and Wyatt. What we do in our lives affects theirs, so we have to be the responsible ones in all of this."

"Neither of us would disagree with that, Cook," said Jace.

"I'm glad to hear that, because I'm guessing that the two of you are going to be seeing a lot of each other now. I've already told Matt that he's welcome here as often as he wants and for as long as he wants. Finn is his son and I'd like to keep Finn's life as normal as possible. And the same goes for you, Jace. You're welcome here anytime to see Wyatt. He's your son and you have the right to see him anytime you want."

"Thank you, baby. I appreciate that," said Jace.

"I've decided that I need some help sorting through all this and talking it out with someone who can be objective seems like a good idea. I called the psychiatrist who treated me after Stephen's death. I had my first appointment a few days ago."

"Whatever you think is best, Maddy," said Matt.

"Dr. Jenkins has already said that he wants both of you to take part in a session or two, so I hope you'll both be open to that. Remember that you wouldn't be doing it for me...it would be for Finn and Wyatt."

"I'll be there anytime you need me, Cook," said Jace.

"So will I," said Matt.

"Thank you, guys. This means a lot to me," I said, letting a few tears roll down my cheeks. Matt pulled me back into his arms. I laid my head against his chest as he lovingly stroked my hair.

"I love you, Maddy. I would do anything for you," he said.

"I love you too, Matthew," I said. "Never forget that." I pulled away from him and approached Jace next. The look on his face was one of quiet reflection and resolve.

"I love you too, cowboy. Never forget that either."

"I won't, Cook...I can't, because I love you...so fucking much," he said. His voice was quiet and cracked with emotion. I stood on my tiptoes and wrapped my arms around his neck. His big arms encircled my waist and he pushed his face into the side of my neck as he lifted me up off the ground. He held me for several seconds, then let me back down on the floor.

"I'd like it if both of you could come back tonight to have dinner with us. Em and I have been busy putting together the Easter meal that we missed when Wyatt was born. It would be nice to have everyone together. Dad and Kelly are coming over, too."

"Ok, baby, I'll be here. Is it okay if I hang out here until then?" asked Matt. I glanced at Jace's face to get a reaction, but to my surprise, he remained calm and collected.

"Of course, Matt. Like I said, it's still your house too."

"I've got a little business to take care of for the ranch now, but I should be done by five. Would that be okay, Cook?"

"Yeah, that's fine. OK, I'm going to take advantage of Wyatt's being asleep and try to get an hour's rest for myself. I'll see you both a little later." I gave them each another hug and headed upstairs to the bedroom. I turned to look at Matt and Jace just in time to see them shake hands.

"We're making progress already," said my inner voice. "That's a very good thing," I whispered to myself. At the very least, it was a good start and I prayed to God it would continue. Only time would tell.

STAY TUNED FOR THE SEQUEL...