39

- Ianto

I don't know what Jack and David talked about but when they came back inside David seemed energized. Maybe Jack told him we are going to the Olds Place. The kids love it there with all the damned sweet treats about the place I can never confiscate fast enough without looking like the baddie in the house. Every damned time.

I have what we need, the SUV packed and now as I belt Jessie into his seat Jack is corralling the bloody idiot dog. Jessie squeals the dog's name and she realizes her favorite little Hooman is in the SUV, now knocking me over to clamber in to check I didn't put him in his seat upside down or something.

I hate retreating, it's a sign of weakness to give in like this but… at the same time… the kids come first and I have to keep them safe. My own feelings are secondary here. I agree with Jack on this.

We drive over and Gray is waiting, excited to see the kids and I see that he is a good distraction for them all, including the dog that latches onto his coat to yank him down straight away. I go into the guest house and sigh as I look over the mess in there.

So many packets of sweets, rich food in the fridge and chocolates on the counter, the flowers are nice but then so are the bedrooms for the kids that leave me and Jack to some privacy. Jessie in with David.

Jack is talking to someone and I recognize Tosh's voice, smiling as I come out to find her going over the large security grid on the wall by the kitchen. Screens for the different cameras, operational instructions and Jack is so excited about some new thing added to the grid. Heat sensors in the outer perimeters? God, it's like a prison. Is it to keep them out or us in?

I remake the beds with the sheets the kids prefer and place their favorite rugs on top, making it a little more homely and less like a hotel room. I have to admit though, I am touched that Jack's mother did purchase some doggie bowls and such for the stinker. I know she is trying and although I am still finding it hard to connect with her… I know she does love the kids.

As I stand in the kitchen it occurs to me that I am finally starting to feel safe and for the first time I am actually comfortable in Jack's Parent's place. This little guest house, the additions they made and small changes… have worked and I no longer feel like I am in the way or somehow costing something.

Silly I know but when you have lived in the back of a car in a junkyard… you really learn to value what you can get and be wary of anything offered. Then I scold myself as this leads to memories of Rhiannon and me huddling together for warmth as our stomachs rumbled waiting for the dark so we can go dumpster diving.

I never want my kids to know that level of hunger or fear and I know that is why I am a feeder now. I watch David running outside with his dog and also know that I do not overdo it and the kids seem healthy and happy. All that counts here right?

"You Ok Tiger?"

As per usual, Jack is picking up on my melancholy mood so I turn and let him hold me, the comfort there needed by both of us now.

"I will be. I need to settle, is all. You know me, fuss, fuss, fuss until I clean a hole in something" I say and his soft snort into my hair is comforting too.

"It's OK. We are OK and let's look at this like a holiday yeah? We have a nice pool house, a huge pool and even a hot tub. We are on vacation. Yeah? Let's act like that. A family on vacation with nothing to do but enjoy one another. I am taking time off work, I suggest you do the same and we will spend a few days here just… distressing and enjoying the pool." He is almost begging and I know he is worried about me. My lovely man so invested in me. I never thought I could be loved like this.

"I love you so much Jack"

"I know darling, it sort of hurts in a weird way right?" he agrees and he is right. That deep seated ache. Is that the fear of losing him maybe? Losing this?

"Come on… if we are having a pool party we need snacks and if I know your mother there are plenty in the pantry over there. Go on... I will make some silly drinks with little umbrellas… you go snatch some of those said umbrellas from your dad's drink cabinet. I know he has some on there… go on. Let's make it a party."

His face lights up and I am again reminded that I am lucky. Why dwell on the bad parts of my life… they got me here where they can no longer touch me.

I let it go.

I have drinks to prepare and kids to enjoy.

And a man who will want to hold my hand.