I stayed under the covers inhaling carbon monoxide for hours unhealthily, only propping open the comforter enough to keep myself alive. I didn't feel like I had the will to continue after such a traumatizing and suggestive day. The pieces were clicking together for my demise and fall into darkness.
I had never seen such a terrifying creature as the dark lord in my entire life. He couldn't possibly be human, and if he ever had been than I didn't want to know what had resulted in his extreme deformation. Even in DADA classes, nothing could have prepared me for what I'd just experienced. My cheek seared horrifically from where his claw had sliced me.
Eventually after nearly seven hours under the covers I brought my head out to watch the gentle glimmer of the spinning Earth model on Draco's desk in the moonlight. He hadn't returned, and I was chalk full of overpowering worry that he was being somehow punished horribly. When I finally succumbed to sleep, I woke up to him shuffling into his bed beside me in a T-shirt and sweatpants. It was close to four in the morning.
He laid his head on the pillow opposite of mine and we just stared at each other in shock in the darkness. His expression was one of defeat, as though he already knew of the devastating effects that the day would leave on me.
I eventually couldn't contain myself and burst into heavy tears, pulling at his clothes for him to hold me. He constricted me in his arms tightly as I soaked his throat and shirt collar with my sobbing. He wrapped his leg around me and cocooned me with his body and fresh clothing. We stayed like that for a long time until I couldn't cry anymore. The heat of his body and scent of his clean clothes had moderately calmed me.
"I tried to keep our engagement a secret, but he watches Lucius' memories. He found out today apparently," Draco whispered while scratching my back. "I need you to be strong for me this Saturday. I have a plan, but you have to get through the wedding."
I didn't even bother instinctually protesting. I knew that there was only way forward now and it was to face the dark lord at my nightmare wedding. "What es your plan?" I asked in a pixy voice, pulling back to look at him.
He looked at me over the bridge of his pointy nose, "I can't tell you, it's too risky. You'll know when you need to." He leaned back from me and grabbed his wand from the bedside, then carefully hovered it over my cheek to heal the gash there. He ran his thumb over the repaired skin with a deep sigh, "You deserve so much better than being with me." I didn't bother replying because I knew it was true, but I didn't want it to be. I closed my eyes and fell asleep in his embrace.
The week that I was forced to spend at the Manor prior to the wedding was dreadful and eerie. It took me two entire days to brave leaving Draco's room for fear of running into the dark lord lingering somewhere within the morbid residence. He hadn't even thought twice at leaving me alone there to dwell like an apparition, and I wondered where he was going all day and what he was doing. Whatever his plan was, it terrified me to my core not knowing. He was glum and faraway when he held me at night, and his eyes had no light in them when he spoke to me.
He had retracted into himself deeply after the incident with the Death Eaters appearing stony and silent when he returned to his bedroom after extended hours away. I spent most of my time in the wide windowsill staring out at the ashen, wintry landscape around the Manor. It was lifeless. No footprints in the white snow, no inhabitants out for chilly strolls in the bright February sunlight. The browned plants were hung and snapped under the merciless weight of the ice.
My heart longed for my family and to know why they had abandoned me. It felt for all the world that the Malfoy's had devoured me whole like an amoeba absorbing algae. My identity belonged to them, my name would belong to them, even perhaps as Lucius had suggested my reproductive choice. They inflicted clothing choices and behavioral mannerisms onto me. My dreams of ever having a normal and happy wedding had slipped away into oblivion, and the only comforting factor was that I was marrying someone that I loved.
When I did finally leave on the third day it was because I could hear him playing piano softly in the ballroom. I floated in behind him in a white gown, wordlessly on my toes. This time when I sat next to him he didn't flinch, didn't stop playing or shift over to avoid me. It was as though I wasn't even there. His eyes were hooded as he just kept pressing keys in a deeply forlorn and enchanting melody, and I felt a stab of sorrow and woe in my heart at whatever it was that he was contemplating.
At times it felt like he was more a parent to me than a partner, entertaining my fears with soothing, indignifying words but never giving me straight answers. The next day I walked downstairs to listlessly dance in the ballroom only to find that Narcissa was commanding elves to decorate it for the wedding. She allowed me to inspect the process, stealing curious glances at me as I watched nervously. I silently stood in the center of the black carpet that had been rolled in a strip to the end of the room from the ballroom doors, as dozens of little elves who were evidently very poorly treated floated around at her direction. The color scheme seemed more fitting for a funeral than a wedding, but I didn't dare point this out.
On the day of the wedding I was laying awake in the bed at five in the morning, panicking entirely. I could hardly sleep the entire night in nervous trepidation. My heartbeat had betrayed any attempt to drift off, jerking dangerously back and forth and tempting images of the dark lord and what might be coming to dance in my mind. I was panting and staring up at the ceiling ornamentation above us when Draco finally realized what was going on and sat up, shaking his long hair to the side to clear his view of my face. "Are you alright, Madeleine?" he asked quietly.
I shook my head, and little pools of tears that had been collecting in my ears finally drained away onto the pillow behind my head. I gasped, "I'm so scared. Why won't you tell me what your plan is?"
He hung his head back and his eyes also shot to the ceiling, "Because there is a chance your mind could be invaded today. The dark lord may want to familiarize himself with you. I can't tell you for that reason. I doubt you have any occlumency skills to resist him, unless that's something I don't know about you yet." His eyes slid over my face and I met his in the darkness. The sun was just starting to cast a pale blue over the treetops outside of his windows indicating it's impending rise.
"And you do?" I asked in a huff.
He smirked gently, and it was the first time I had seen any sort of emotion on his face save for depression in over a week. "It runs in my family. My ancestor Armand, he was the first Obliviation Master - he could erase only parts of a memory, like emotions attached to it but not the actual memory itself, or the other way around. He mastered Occlumency as well, and, ever since then my family has been highly capable of controlling our minds. Lucius though, he's not so great at it." He ran his fingers over my shoulder. "Don't worry, I will take care of you. Just get through the ceremony."
I looked up at the handsome boy I had come to love so despairingly. I admired his bravery and resolve through everything he'd been forced into. "Are you scared too?" I asked.
He closed his eyes, "I'm terrified. All the time."
"And you're sure about dis plan? What ef et fails?"
He growled lightly at the interrogation, "Enough questions. You just have to trust me." He laid down again and pulled me into him, his warm arms wrapped around my waist tightly. He kissed my cheek tenderly, "You're going to be my wife today."
"It doesn't feel real," I whispered, stunned at the idea that he was going to be my husband in mere hours. It had all happened dangerously fast. Six months ago we had only spoken for the first time, and not even in a friendly manner, and now we were going to be married.
When the sun finally did rise he slipped out of the bed after cuddling to calm me, and I watched from his pillows as he drifted around the room getting changed into a black suit. "My mother wants you at her door for 830, so you should get up," he warned as he adjusted his tie, his laser-blue eyes shot to me from the tilt of his head. I was busy hugging a pillow like it was a teddy .
I reluctantly stood and rubbed my puffy eyes. I knew I was pouting like a child as I went and took a bath, almost dozing off in the tub from mental exhaustion. Then I dug through the few dresses I had for the day. I put on a turquoise one because my options were so limited and he snorted knowingly. "It is my day, I will wear what I want until dey put me in dat asphyxiation trap," I spat, brushing my long hair out.
He raised an eyebrow in confusion but didn't say anything else. I pulled him into an insanely tight hug before I left, and he hugged me back until I didn't want to let go minutes later. It was the last time I would see him before the wedding and he was the only person in the house that made me feel relaxed and safe. He had to physically detach my fingers from his suit and force me out the door.
I stood staring down the long, black hallway barely lit by candles. My panic began to rise again and my heart stung like it was burning in acid. I forced my feet to move forward in my tiny slippers, climbing the monstrous stairs painstakingly slowly to the seventh level where Narcissa and Lucius' room was located.
I had just reached the stair newel at the top-most floor when Lucius barreled out of the massive stone door in all black robes. He stopped so sharply when he passed me it looked like he had just run flat into an invisible wall. I cowered with my eyes bulging out of my head. He was gripping the cane so tightly that his expensive gloves were stretched around his fingers. He seethed down at me, his bright blue eyes scanned my features like he was staring face to face with an alien.
He leaned in closely to me. "Behave yourself today, girl," he whispered harshly, causing hair to blow away from my face. Then he stomped down the stone stairs, slamming the cane grievously on every single tread. The belligerent sounds echoed ominously through the tower of steps giving away his position the entire descension.
I drifted through the stone monolithic doorway that he'd left open and was greeted coolly by Narcissa who appeared completely strained. She led me down the hallway past the green door which opened to her walk-in closet, and into a round tower room that was obviously a feminine dressing room. There were tall mirrors and tables with hair brushes and makeup delicately organized. She pointed a long pale finger at a white stool in front of a smoky, cracked mirror, "Sit."
I obeyed, and so began the tedious ordeal of her preparing me for the wedding in whatever manner she saw fit. She brushed out my long hair for the second time that day and left the natural waves. Not long afterwards she asked me to undress and I was entirely appalled when she threw my blue dress into the fire as though it were a rag covered in piss. She called on a few elves and in minutes I was back in the gaudy gown and she was tightening the corset just as lethally narrow as Madame Laguzzini had. With every pull that she made I was reminded of the Titanic movie I'd seen where Rose was being forced to stand there while her mother yanked on the strings cruelly from behind, pointing out that she had to marry against her will.
She forced me to sit once again by shoving me down by my shoulder, ignoring how shallow and unnatural my breaths were. It wasn't as though Draco had unrealistic expectations for how skinny I should look since he'd seen it all plenty of times, and I mildly wondered what the priority was with the medieval corset. She sat next to me and steered my legs towards her, wiping my face down. She paused and looked at my features as though it was the first time she'd really seen my physiognomy. "I can see why he chose you," she blankly replied. It was discrete, but it was the first time she had ever complimented me and the corners of my mouth dared to twitch upwards in appreciation.
She had been working on my makeup for a good chunk of time, forcing my face upwards often with her fingers on my chin, when I was shocked by a familiar, macabre laugh. Bellatrix stepped into the room, swaying oddly as though she were a drunken pirate, and I backed off of the stool and flattened myself against the wall. I felt dizzy from the tightness of the dress and the sudden motion. I noticed then that my wand was conveniently left on the dressing table far across the room. "Bella," Narcissa shortly acknowledged her.
Once again, the grisly woman licked her rotten teeth in satisfaction at my fear, "I see baby Draco has gone to the effort of fixing up your pretty face. I'm quite sure he doesn't want to stare at a hag while he fucks you." The insult hung in the air like a noxious gas and both Narcissa and I frowned heavily at the revolting wording. Her huge eyes flew to Narcissa's like lighting, and her voice lightened to an unnerving, friendly tone, "Cissy...I wanted to lend a friendly hand to the little whore's décor." She pointed her crooked wand at my face.
Narcissa's nose pulled back in a sneer that was shockingly identical to Draco's, "Well I gather I don't have much choice in the matter. But you will not be maiming her in anyway. The dark lord has promised this to Draco today." She let a few brushes she'd had in her hand rest on the table next to her and stood as Bellatrix took large, swift strides towards me and pushed her nose directly up against mine.
"Hmm, what can we do to make you look more like a proper Malfoy?" She quipped in a high-pitch. "I know!" She suddenly yelled darkly and I whimpered as she dragged me back to the mirror and forced me to face it. Narcissa stood to the side wringing her hands with an alarmed expression. Bellatrix stood partially between me and the mirror, giggling like a giddy school girl who had just tried vodka for the first time. She lifted her wand at my forehead and my instinct was to duck and run, but I knew if I did anything at all I was more likely to die than take a chance on her following the rules.
She twisted her wand around and the thorns that were so delicately sewn into my dress at my breasts snaked around to the sides of my shoulders leaving my chest open, then came back together to twist tightly around my neck. I grimaced and Narcissa took a half step forward. Bellatrix waved her wand again and a princess crown of black thorns appeared on my head, tiny but wrought with wicked design. "I like this much better, don't you?" She mocked me, clapping her hands rapidly and jumping.
It was the final straw for me. Too much of the nightmare had come to fruition. My lip trembled uncontrollably as I stared back into the evil looking blond haired girl before me. My golden eyes shone like headlamps in the dark with the black makeup around them. Narcissa closed the gap beside me and her hands came up on my shoulder possessively, "Quite the touch, sister. I think that's well enough." Draco's words echoed in my head - I need you to be strong for me this Saturday.