"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

Romans 5:8

The camera flashed, snapping images of peaceful surroundings.

"So is there a reason you brought the camera to work today?"

Soda walked alongside Steve in the DX parking lot, the camera in his hand, as the two friends made their way toward the Ford. "Not a big one. I guess I just wanted to."

Steve opened the driver's side door, sliding in, as Soda got in the passenger seat. "Bet that was a good one of me working in the garage."

"Yeah. I had to get a picture of you workin' on that truck, Stevie. I mean, maybe it sounds weird, but there's something about havin' pictures of the DX when it's normal."

Steve started the car, pulling out of the parking space. "Normal?"

"Yeah. Just a regular day. One where I can look out the windows and see the sunlight. Help customers out, pump gas, service cars. You know, just do my job."

Steve stopped at the end of the DX's driveway, waiting for the traffic to clear. "Okay. So what kind of day's not normal."

"One where I get shot."

Steve hung a right, as the breath seemed to be pulled straight from his lungs. "I should've got that to start with, shouldn't I?"

"I don't know. It's okay that you didn't."

"So pictures to counter what your mind sees in your flashbacks when you have them?"

"Yeah. Something like that. Cause sometimes, I get worried he'll come back. So if I look around at stuff and kind of focus, I don't just think about what it was like to see his mask, hear that voice, or be bleedin' a lot."

Steve kept one hand on the steering wheel, reaching over to grasp Soda's shoulder with the other. "That is a scary thing to get anxious about, man. I can't blame you for needing something to help with it or keep those memories out of your mind."

Soda looked down at the camera he was holding, the gift one he'd found to be invaluable. "Yeah. I need some DX memories that ain't of that. But anyway, we going to my house?"

"Yeah. I figured we'd try your fridge since we went for mine yesterday."

"There's leftover spaghetti."

"It's not blue, is it?"

"Nah. Darry made it, and I let it stay normal. I'm makin' the mashed potatoes tonight, so I'm savin' the color for them."

"Are you going to make them orange or something since you've already used blue and red lately?"

"I was thinking purple. I wonder if my kid will like colorful food."

"What kid doesn't? When you go visit, you'll have to make blue macaroni and cheese."

"Is it all right that I'm still strugglin' with that?"

"You're still struggling with what, buddy?"

"Realizin' I'll be going to visit my own child."

"Of course it is. We're over here talking about normal days at the DX and the normal colors of food. The way you're feeling is that too."

"But I don't think this whole situation is normal."

"Maybe not. It's not exactly the usual thing that happens, but your reaction is normal. Just take my word for it."

"Cause you're so wise?"

"Now, you're catchin' on, man. I'm speakin' with wisdom and straight from my heart, so that means I can't be steerin' you wrong."

"That tea helped a lot last night, Mom."

"I hoped it would. I added a bit of ginger too."

"When do you think I'll start to feel the baby kicking? When did you start to feel me?"

"When I was about five months along. It's a miraculous feeling, honey. I won't ever forget the first time I felt you. You were ready to move and greet the world."

"I'm sure this baby will be too."

"And if this child is anything like you, he or she will have all the confidence they could ever need."

"I just realized you made a pun earlier, Stevie."

Steve twirled spaghetti noodles around on his fork, as he sat with Soda at the Curtis' kitchen table. "I did? What was it?"

Soda also twirled noodles onto his fork, lifting his feet to rest on an empty chair, as his eyes looked out the window. "You said you couldn't be steerin' me wrong while you were driving. Get it?"

"Man, I should've caught that when I said it."

"It reminds me of that night in the tent when you were talkin' about the dark at the same time you turned on the light."

"Yeah. I've got a way with words all right."

"And it makes you quite a sight."

Steve chuckled, as he swallowed a mouthful of spaghetti. "That didn't even make sense, man."

"But it rhymed. Light, right, sight."

"Soda?"

"Yeah?"

"Go fly a kite."

Soda didn't miss a beat, keeping with the poetic rhythm. "Hey, I just might!"

"What's up Pony kid? Come to see me hard at work?"

Pony joined TwoBit in a booth in the corner of the bowling alley. "Yeah, you look like you've really been breakin' a sweat today, TwoBit."

TwoBit slid what remained of a basket of tater tots over to Pony. "Want these, Kiddo? I'm stuffed."

Pony popped a few tater tots in his mouth, his face immediately scrunching up. "Geez, what'd you do? Drown these in salt?"

"I prefer to say I seasoned them with flavor."

"You seasoned them with the path to an early heart attack."

"Aw, potato, potahto. A bit of saltiness is good for you. You gotta live a little, Kiddo. Cause you never know when your time might be up."

"Hey, Stevie, hang on a minute."

Steve felt Soda's hand on his arm, as he was about to climb out of the Ford that was now parked in the DX lot beside the Chevy. "Yeah, man?"

Soda opened his mouth to speak, only to close it, as he let his hand drop from Steve's arm. "I- Never mind. We need to get back to work."

"We've still got a few minutes. What were you about to say?"

"I guess I kind of want to ask you something."

"Okay. Ask away, man."

"Is all of this- is it going to be hard for you?"

"What are you talking about?"

"The adoption."

"Why would it be hard for me? I mean other than seeing you hurting."

"Cause Samuel's your friend. He was your friend first."

"Yeah. So what's that mean then?"

"I'm not really sure. It just sounds awkward or something cause you'll go over to see him, and my kid will be there. I just don't want you to feel like you're in the middle, especially since I know I'll have a hard time after the baby is born."

"I'll be fine, Soda. Yeah, it sort of does put me in the middle cause you're my best friend, and Samuel will be your kid's dad. But it's not like you two are fighting about it or anything."

"I'm going to need you a lot, Stevie."

"I know that, buddy. And you've got me."

"Cause I think once Penny has the baby or even once she gets real far along, it'll really hit her, you know? And I've gotta be there for her in that, even when it's tough for me. It makes me think I'll probably talk to her or see her, then need you or Darry right after."

"We'll both be there, man. As much as you need. But, right now I think we-"

"Steve, you might see the baby when I can't."

"What do you mean?"

"I know, at first, Penny and me won't be able to visit. I ain't sure for how long, but there has to be some space. But you, you'll be able to go see Samuel, like you do a lot. So that means you'll see the baby too."

"I hadn't even thought of that. But I-" Steve looked toward the station, Mr. Coleman's eyes meeting his own through the window. "We do need to get back to work now, man. Coleman's waiting on us. But we'll pick this conversation back up later on, okay? Cause I really want to hear what you're thinking. It sounds important."

"It is."

Steve started to get out of the car, as Soda did the same. "So hold onto those thoughts, buddy, and we'll give them all the time they deserve later today."

"All right. I'd actually never heard that term before. Thank you for taking the time to talk to me, and I'll get back to you soon."

"Hey, Soda, you can get on out of here now. I-"

Soda jumped at the sound of Steve's voice, the wrench he'd been holding hitting the floor with a clatter. He looked at his best friend's face, the startled image not matching the feared one in his mind. "Oh. Sorry, Stevie. I guess I'm just jumpy."

Steve started to move closer to Soda, only for his feet to come to a curious halt. "Nah, man. Don't apologize. It happens. Can I- um, are you okay?"

Soda bent down to pick up the wrench, dropping it in the toolbox. "Yeah. I think so."

Steve took a breath, stepping forward to touch Soda's shoulder. "I was going to say I'll finish up anything in here that needs to be done. So you can get to Dr. Morgan."

"Yeah. I should do that."

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm sure. And I- I'm going to go. Will I see you after?"

"Yeah. I told Coleman I'd stay longer today, but I'll be around by the time you get home."

"Okay." Soda closed the toolbox and latched the lock, his eyes taking a cursory glance around the garage, before he gave Steve a quick hug.

Steve felt Soda squeeze him once, the moment barely giving him time to react before it was over. He watched his best friend head out of the garage, the reluctance to let go left behind in his wake.

"It sounds like we still need to go through some of what we would with an agency. With the exception, of course, of finding a child to adopt."

"So we talk to an adoption specialist?"

"Yes. This is the first I'm hearing of that term, but it sure is one that fits. We'll need to have a written plan in place and a homestudy. Without following the whole process, the adoption wouldn't be complete or legal."

"Sodapop? Can you tell me what's going on today?"

Soda broke out of his self-imposed silence, Dr. Morgan's eyes probing him with their compassion. "I'm just- I started thinking about stuff, and that made me think even more. And now, I feel overwhelmed and kind of sad too."

Dr. Morgan continued to reach out to Soda, tending to the balance she knew was necessary for assessing him. "Okay. I like hearing that you can name your emotions, and tie them back to previous thoughts. What is it you were thinking about first?"

"The shooting. What it was like. How scared I was."

"And where else did that lead your thoughts?"

"The baby. I mean, I know it doesn't have anything to do with getting shot. But it's scary too."

"The shooting was extremely distressing for you, as was its aftermath, and the adoption has that potential as well. As varied as the feelings involved are, both are deeply emotional experiences."

"I know now that Samuel and his wife are going to adopt the baby. Penny says it's what she wants."

"So things are moving forward then?"

"I guess so. When I first found out, I had this shock from it. Then, I got better, and I think it's cause I was putting how I felt into words. Well, that and knowin' I'll get to see the kid. I'll be in the child's life. But still, it's had my feelings pretty mixed up."

"It's natural to have conflicting feelings about significant life events, especially one that's following so soon after the trauma you've gone through. I don't want to discount or dismiss any emotions you have regarding the adoption, but I do want to reassure you that they're reasonable, no matter how confusing they might seem sometimes."

"They are confusing. I mean, it's like feeling shocked, sad, then happy all at once, then wonderin' and worryin' on top of it."

"What specifically are you worried about, Sodapop?"

"I guess just what these next six months will be like and then how it'll be once the baby's here. It's a lot to think about. A lot to feel."

"I'd like to back up a little to when you said you were feeling sad and overwhelmed, so we can explore some of what that means."

"Okay."

"During these past few weeks of our sessions, you've voiced guilt over your best friend's suicide attempt. You've expressed your own suicidal thoughts to me and explained healthy ways you cope with them. You've also identified a specific urge and why going through with it could be unsafe. At the same time you've been dealing with these internal struggles, you've been facing external conflict with your younger brother and the situation of your girlfriend's unexpected pregnancy."

"It sure is a lot of stuff when you lay it all out like that."

"Yes. It is. And what I'm meaning to do isn't simply to list every challenge in your life, but to point out how successful you've been in making progress within circumstances that create a feeling of being overwhelmed and of sadness."

"Yeah. Cause me and Pony are gettin' along a lot better since I brought him here. I even had a real good talk with Darry about the cough syrup and wanting to sleep. And once Steve heard about my guilt, I got to be with him while he told me more about his memories of the day he overdosed."

"You're seeing these opportunities to be vulnerable in such a positive light. I'd also like to say that it sounds like you've been able to find hope in the situation with your unborn baby."

"I have. With the shooting too. I don't think I could keep workin' at the DX if I didn't. But with the baby, I get too far ahead of myself. I said some weird stuff to Steve earlier cause of that. I guess because I'm anxious. I'm not sure if it even made any sense to him."

"Anxious thoughts aren't always rational. But even so, that doesn't make them any less real. They're also just as deserving of the care I know you've been giving yourself when it comes to other thoughts and concerns."

"Yeah. I've got to take care of them. I've got to keep makin' recovery mine."

"Oh. Hello, Samuel. This is actually Penny's mother, June. But I'm handing her the phone right now."

"Of course I'm here, man. I told you I would be."

Soda made his way up the front walk, joining Steve on the porch. "Yeah. I guess you did."

Steve took a seat on the swing, stretching his arm across the back of it. "So how'd it go with Dr. Morgan?"

Soda leaned on the porch railing, eyes looking out at the front yard, as the warmth of the afternoon sun coated his cheeks. "Good. It wasn't, um, like a real big breakthrough or anything, but she kind of reminded me that I'm getting' better even when I don't really feel like it."

"Of course you are. I gotta admit I'm glad to hear you say something like that. Cause you sort of spooked me earlier."

"Spooked you? How?"

"Cause you hugged me out of nowhere. That's not real unusual if we're alone, I guess. But it is out in public. And you just seemed like something was heavy in your spirit too."

"Cause it was." Soda sat down on the swing with Steve, his head leaning to rest on his best friend's shoulder. "The stuff I was sayin', I think it's just cause I'm anxious, so it's hard to think straight."

"You mean the stuff about Samuel and the baby?"

"Yeah. Dr. Morgan sounded like you today."

"Why?"

"Because she said anxious thoughts are still real, even when they don't seem like they make much sense. Then, she told me they still deserve care. That reminded me of how you said we'd talk about it again and give it the time it deserves."

"Wise people think alike, man. I'm glad you're listening to both of us carefully enough to catch that too."

Soda drew in a breath, feeling his chest tremble, as he did. "I don't want to lose you, Stevie."

"Lose me? What the hell could even make you think that?"

Soda's head didn't move from Steve's shoulder, his consciousness spinning into anxiety that taunted him with tales of a bleak future. "I just- I don't know. I feel... like I'm afraid."

"All right, buddy. Let me see if I can break this down for both of us. First, you asked if the adoption was going to be hard for me because Samuel's my friend. Then, you were saying I'll see the baby at times when you can't since there's gotta be space at the beginning."

"Yeah. I did. I said all that."

"And now, you're worried about losing me somehow. What's going on here, man? What do you think will happen once the baby's born?"

Soda closed his eyes, the lids shut tight against thoughts that too easily raced out of control and tapped into his insecurity. "I- I'll be sad for a while. But Samuel, he won't. He'll be real happy."

"Yeah. Of course. That's okay for both of you. And, for the record, I think there's going to be a lot of emotions in between happy and sad for you guys. Vivian and Penny too."

Soda's eyes opened, as his voice spoke aloud the path his musings had taken. "When you see Samuel, you'll see how he's happy. Then, you'll see me."

"Yeah. And we can talk, hang out, still do whatever. Nothing is changing between us."

"It might."

Steve gently pushed Soda off his shoulder, their eyes meeting, as he sought to trace the spiraling pattern in his best friend's thoughts. "No. It won't. Why would it?"

"Cause why would you want to be around me when-"

"Hold it right there just a second. I always want to be around you, buddy. You know that."

"I do. But I still think of how Samuel's your friend too. So you might like him better. Cause the baby will be there, and everybody will be happy."

"Sodapop, don't you dare listen to that anxiety. I'm not about to like anybody better than I like you. That's why it's called being best friends."

"But what if it doesn't work out right?"

"What if what doesn't work out right?"

"The baby and all of us. We could fight or argue. Then, there would be sides, and it could put you in the middle and-"

"Buddy, I don't think any of you are going to be fighting or arguing. But I'll go there with you, okay? I'll go where your head's taking you, so you can get some peace of mind."

"It wasn't bad news or anything, Mom. He was just telling me he talked to a lawyer earlier today."

"They're very serious about this, aren't they?"

"Yes. Of course they are. There's no way to take it lightly if we're going to keep moving forward with the adoption."

"So what did the lawyer say?"

"Just basic things about how the laws work and what we all need to do."

"There aren't going to be problems, are there?"

"No. I don't think so. It's still my choice what happens because I'm the birth mother. And as long as Sodapop signs the paperwork with me, we can make the baby legally Samuel and Vivian's child."

"But what goes on in between then? You can't do that until after the baby's born."

"There's even a waiting period too. We can't sign immediately after the birth. But until then, Samuel and Vivian have to do a homestudy, which is exactly what it sounds like. We need to talk to an adoption specialist, and start making all of this as official as it can get right now."

"All right, man. The door's closed, and the hot chocolate's here. I even opened up the window, so you can still get some air."

Soda sat on the floor with his head resting against the mattress, as Steve held a mug of hot chocolate out to him. "Sorry, Stevie. You've had enough to deal with lately."

Steve sat down at Soda's side, watching his best friend take a few sips from the mug. "You've got to stop seeing yourself as a burden, man. Because you aren't. Believe me, I've been there too, but you don't owe me an apology for talking with you when you need it. Yeah, I've been dealing with a lot, but it doesn't mean I can't switch gears and hear you out."

Soda was silent, as he set the mug down on the carpet, hiding his face behind his hands.

Steve took this as an opening, one hand reaching out to squeeze Soda's arm. "So come on, buddy. Let's go back to what you said outside. I'm no stranger to anxiety or thoughts jumping to places that don't make much sense, and I'm not here to slam what you're feeling. I just want to help set it straight because I know you know the truth. But I also know those lines can get pretty blurry."

"I need to stop worrying. But I don't know how."

"This is how. Telling me about it is how. I told you outside that I don't think anybody's going to be fighting. I really don't. But what if you do? What if this is too hard for you? What if you stop getting along with Samuel? What if you guys don't agree about something?"

"You sound like the inside of my head, Stevie."

"Good. It's what I'm trying to do for you. And I'm going to take it a few steps further." Steve put his hands over each of Soda's, tugging them away from his best friend's eyes. "What if you are really sad for a while? What if your and Penny's relationship doesn't make it through giving a baby up?"

"I didn't say anything about that."

"I know. But a lot is changing, and if you're worried about me and you, I think you must be worried about even more. Especially after what you said to me about marriage not being in the cards."

"Yeah. I guess I am."

Steve held tight to both of Soda's hands, as he kept going. "What if things are so hard, I stop being your best friend? What if I take Samuel's side somehow? What if seeing you sad and grieving breaks our friendship?"

Soda let Steve's gaze catch his own, the words that had just been spoken a perfect echo of his fearful imaginings. "It's like my brain gets stuck, and it won't stop. It spins and starts makin' everything look awful, even when it's not."

"I know what that's like, man. Your head's stuck on a thought and wondering off into all these 'what if' questions. I've had those a lot, and you know what?"

"What?"

"The thoughts that were the worst didn't happen. And even things that did, well, it was never as bad as my mind made it out to be. That's why I want to take all these questions and answer them for you."

"I don't know if I want to hear those answers."

"Trust me, my brother. You do. Now, let's say you and Samuel do argue over something to do with the baby. Or you feel bad and get upset. Just whatever could go on when you're all dealing with something tough. That means you guys work it out. It means you talk to each other. It doesn't mean there's gotta be any kind of split. And as for you and Penny, yeah, you could break up one day, but you aren't there right now. If the pregnancy and the adoption are hard for your relationship, you talk to each other too. I know she loves you, and the only way you'd break up is on good terms and if it's really what's best for both of you."

Soda saw Steve look away from him, noticing that his eyes had filled with tears. "Stevie, you can stop. Cause I know. I swear I do. I know that you'd never- it's just anxiety and fear. And I know you're real sensitive about stuff lately too so-"

"No. You need to hear it. You need to hear what I'm about to say, or you wouldn't have told me." Steve paused for a moment, pressing one hand against his eyes to quench the tears that escaped anyway, as his other hand clutched Soda's. "If me and you ever did get to a tough place in our friendship, I wouldn't just turn my back on you, brother. I'm not saying we could never fight or argue, but I am saying what we've got is solid. It's not going to suddenly become conditional. Even if you and Samuel were to have some sort of problem here, I'd still be there for you. I wouldn't take sides. I couldn't. Not even if I had to jump in and tell you you're wrong. And as for you being sad, I ain't going to be sitting here keeping track of your grief over the baby, so I know when to cut it off. There won't be any pressure for you to be as happy as Samuel or anybody else. I'd never put a condition like that on our friendship. It's too important, and so are you. Of course it'll be hard for me to see you hurting, but I'll still be here. Even if you act like a jerk or lash out at me, I'll be your best friend, and I'll love you through every damn second of that time."