+++++ Hikawa Shrine, Azabu-Juban, Japan. (Wednesday + 11)
Shinji was grateful for the quiet, sitting as he was near the two unconscious forms of Michiru and Sarah. After getting him seated, Haruka sat down on the side of the bed holding Michiru, holding her hand and whispering details of the day's events to her. Twice already one of the Jorōgumo had come up from the field hospital to check on their condition, as well as his own. Naoko had come up, delivering well-prepared meals that were dense with calories for him and filling enough for the other occupants of the apartment. Motoko Aoyama was dutifully maintaining a written log of anything that seemed out of place on Sarah, or otherwise sizing Shinji up as he slowly altered his attention upon either the unconscious form of Michiru, or the unconscious form of Sarah.
"I-Ikari-sama?" Shinobu Maehara, the only other person still in the room, spoke with a quiet fear at his side. "I-I-I…I'm sorry, b-but I w-was hoping-" Her words cut off with an audible clack of her teeth at a stern glare from Motoko. There was a soft whimper, whether of fear or anxiety he couldn't quite say, and her feet began to slide backwards and away from him.
"I often find that even though the people I speak to don't seem to hear me," Yukiko's voice preceded her pushing Shinobu back towards Shinji firmly, "they are usually listening to me. They may have other things on their mind, or they may simply be tired of talking. Or, as is true in this case, they may have sworn themselves to silence to avoid causing untold damage with the words they would otherwise wish to use."
A palpable silence hung in the absence of the small woman's voice, eventually broken by Motoko asking, "Damage?"
"Oh yes, there is quite the fear of things going terribly awry if he speaks carelessly." Dropping herself on his lap, she crossed her legs at the knee and began gesticulating as she spoke. "There are many songs, poems, and tales written across a vast variety of cultures regarding what happens when someone prays, whether the prayer is answered or ignored. When someone with the power to answer those prayers listens, it is quite possible for them to dislike the prayer, or the one praying. If they leave the prayer unpunished, it sets a very bad precedent. Would you not agree, then, that it is best that they appear aloof? Would you rather that they answer every prayer, even if that prayer must be answered with violence?"
Shinji wrapped his arms around Yukiko, pulling her closer and taking comfort from her presence. The way in which she spoke his intent without speaking his thoughts was beyond helpful, and at the moment he was far too tired to not lash out in anger at trifles. The food had helped, but it seemed that he had been pushing himself hard enough that sleep was becoming necessary.
Motoko considered what they'd just been told, then spoke for Shinobu to preclude the irritating stammer the bluenette had developed whenever someone mentioned Shinji, "None of us have seen Narusegawa-san since the last attack. I have asked the guards if they have seen her, and they all have reported in the negative. We thought, perhaps, she had gone somewhere within the apartment complex to repent, or to deny her own guilt. It was a habit she had back home, and not an unfamiliar one."
A missing woman. It both made sense why Shinobu wanted to ask someone she felt was talented at helping people, and why Motoko hadn't wanted to bother him with it. He had literally dozens of better things to be doing, and asking him to waste time playing hide-and-seek with a woman who had already proven to be both abusive and unreliable didn't strike him as the best idea. Now that Motoko had made him aware, without asking him for help, the issue was settled and safety assured. The young woman's stock rose in his eyes for that. Whatever it was that had caused her own inner rage, she had clearly been focused on squashing it.
"Mmm, that is a little worrisome, isn't it?" Yukiko had laid back into his embrace, and was speaking to the assembled people in general, "A young woman with a distinct inability to control her temper and physical skills that exceed what is normal for humans is now missing. Perhaps I will ask some of the youkai to find her scent, if she still lives. Thank you for bringing this to my attention, Miss Maehara. I'm certain that you know where to find me if there is anything else you feel is important."
Without warning, Shinobu blurted out, "Please don't harm Sarah-chan, Ikari-sama! She doesn't understand what she's doing!"
There were many things he would rightly be accused of, in his mind. He was capable of a level of violence that terrified beings he'd previously thought divine. He was capable of ignoring the suffering of people who had brought their own misery upon themselves. He was capable of driving away people who annoyed him. He was, most importantly, capable of twisting space and time into a pretzel. The thought, however, that he would be capable of intentionally harming someone as full of life as Sarah McDougal struck a glancing blow against what little pride he had, prompting him to slowly turn his head and glare death at Shinobu.
In a flash, Motoko was standing between him and the bluenette. Her right hand struck a backhanded blow against the other woman's right cheek, then a forehanded slap against the left. When Shinobu dropped to the ground, bawling, Motoko spun around and dropped to her knees, bowing her head to beg for the idiot's life, "Please allow me the duty of punishing her insolence and correcting her perception. My sister saw in you a man of righteous conviction, and I see no less even after her passing. Your fury at the hour of her death speaks volumes of how high you held her, your restraint volumes more about how high you value life. I assure you, as the headmistress of the Aoyama Clan, her slander of your intent will not go unpunished."
A magical compulsion demanded he respond. Growing within him like the death of a star, he had no capacity to reserve judgement. Before him now were two paths, neither one something he himself would have chosen to walk upon yet remaining the only directions he had available at hand. Slowly, cautiously, he lifted his right hand and set it upon Motoko's crown. A light application of pressure forced her head up, her eyes to meet his. She showed no fear. No hesitation. Death crept towards someone in her care, and she took her place between it and Shinobu. He had two choices…and either way he chose someone's life ended.
His voice was far darker, far older than it typically was, "Your deal is struck, your bargain made; your life be mine, 'til debt be paid." A surge of silvery energy lashed out like a viper from his touch, suffusing Motoko with a light similar to that of Unit-01. The compulsion he felt faded at that act, defusing his rage and increasing his anger. Once more someone's actions had placed a leash around his neck. Once more someone from the damned Hinata Inn caused him to hurt. Removing his hand from Motoko's head, he turned his own eyes back to the wall between Sarah's bed and Michiru's bed. He had to control himself, and that wouldn't be helped by looking towards Shinobu.
The swordswoman herself slowly stood, a blush on her cheeks at the rush of what had just happened. With a bow worthy of the greatest honor she could summon, she excused herself and her charge, "I will see to it straightaway, Silent One." Spinning about and grabbing Shinobu by the back of her shirt, she dragged the sobbing teen out of the room and into the hallway. The look on her face, unseen by Shinji, offered little in the way of solace for her student.
"I think I'm starting to understand why the legends weren't passed along," Haruka murmured. "Imagine a world where any idiot with a death wish could just meander up to the closest Elder and ask for something. Either the Elder provides it, and possibly blows the cover of normalcy, or erases the fool from existence, and possibly blows the cover of normalcy. It's a hand grenade the size of a moon with a pin that's colored candy red near a sign saying, 'Do Not Touch'. Might as well have an engraved invitation."
"It is far worse than that, Lady of the Sky." Yukiko's tone was mournful, and she reclaimed both of Shinji's hands so that he held her close once more, "The Laws require that direct challenges to Elder or Titan alike be 'settled'. If he hears word, even secondhand, of someone slandering him or his obligations…it counts as a challenge. She faced torments not meant for mortals, and all because she was too afraid to see clearly. Tragic, and unpreventable unless he hides away from everyone and everything."
"Which would be a terrible thing to do, even if I didn't want him around for my own peace of mind." Haruka had remained calm the entire time, and even now showed no signs of concern or fear. "He's silly, from time to time, but he's our silly. So what just happened with Slashy there?"
"He has bound her to his service, much in the same way that Naoko Akagi bound herself. The large difference between the two is that Doctor Akagi set her term of service as the same length of time as her lifespan as the same length of time as his lifespan. Our silly, here, set Miss Aoyama's term of service as only lasting until she feels her debt to him has been paid. That could be tomorrow, the next minute, or when the last star dies. She's only bound to him for as long as she wants to be, which is much more favorable when compared against him erasing Miss Maehara from memory."
His face grew pained, knowing that even though it was to save someone's life he had taken away someone's freedom. It didn't sit well with him, and it never would. If someone wanted to stay by his side, it should be because they wanted to, not because some supernatural force that he couldn't explain with a gun to Usagi's head demanded it. Whatever it is that he was, he was not that kind of man.
"I think we've done what we can for the day," Haruka said, her eyes firm when Shinji snapped his head up to look at her. "You looked like you were almost falling asleep there before Little Miss Bluey Two Braincells decided to slap the dragon on the ass. You're running on anger now, and I'm not risking my team, or those civilians, in these conditions. From the looks of it, they've finished construction as well. So I want you to go down, inspect the wall and listen to the people who want to brag about what they've accomplished, and then go into your tree and rest. You might just need to build up your endurance, kid. We did good today, take the win and get ready for tomorrow."
The part of him that had grown tired of people telling him what to do rose up, only to be bitch-slapped back into submission by the part of him that would forever allow control over his life to be permitted to those precious few women he could trust. He rocked forward, gaining his feet and slipping Yukiko up onto his shoulder where she belonged. Haruka's plan was the right one, the one that kept the people that mattered safest. He'd said that he would drag humanity to safety, and that was what he would focus on. With a final nod towards his ally, and a grim frown towards the two unconscious women, he did as he was asked.
+++++ Hikawa Shrine, Azabu-Juban, Japan. (Wednesday + 11)
Kyoko and Rei walked with Shinji down the stairs towards the new village while Yukiko made her excuses and retired to Shinji's trees for her own reasons. The area was already being populated by the refugees they'd rescued, the sounds of weeping and celebration mixing together through open doors and windows. Joy and sorrow, relief and anxiety, the confusing and confounding duality of humanity was on display for him as he was escorted by two women that represented two worlds through a territory that had increased two-fold in one day.
"We're going to run into problems in the future, I think." Rei held onto his arm at the elbow, keeping him stable after he'd nearly stumbled twice due to fatigue. "I'm counting only one adult male for every five adult females…and I have seen two total males in their adolescence."
"The results of societal conditioning, Sailor." Kyoko's voice was dispassionate, though the hints of her own concern were present on her face as she kept pace with them. "The entire world just went to war, and lost. 'Women and children first' is what is expected of almost every culture I've interacted with over my career. Men are, as a general rule, larger and more aggressive than women. They would act to defend those they view as 'weaker', or those they view as 'family', if they had accepted those cultural norms. What you'll find is common amongst the males we've rescued is that they are either lucky, sickly, solo, or selfish. Men without any attachments might still seek to save children, or women, in an effort to retain their place in society. Men with health conditions that prevent them from defending anyone would be given refuge amongst the women and children by those capable of defending others. Some men succeeded in both defending the evacuees and remaining alive to tell the tale. Talented in combat, lucky enough to not be infected." Her tone darkened, "It's the last group that we will be…speaking with. I did not bring anyone with me that I felt at the time was too selfish to sacrifice everything to help convince Pilot Ikari that he should help us. Those few that have begun grumbling selfishly have found themselves at odds with the overwhelming majority of their peers. My kids will be interviewing everyone, finding those people most likely to upend the fragile ecosystem we're creating, and bringing what they've found to me."
Shinji paused, looking off to one house where a woman barely older than Sarah was trying to comfort a wailing infant. His heart ached at the sight, at the lost and hopeless look in her eyes, at the incomprehensible wails of a toddler too young to understand any of what was happening. It ached at an external view of something he'd been denied when he too had been orphaned at a young age. It brought to mind that Naoko Akagi had tried, perhaps much like this young woman was trying, to comfort him when he was too young to know.
He was so tired. His energy had been dedicated entirely to doing what he could to keep people alive. Now, looking at the aftermath of his focus on ensuring 'life', he realized that there would need to be some energy focused on stopping these people from killing themselves through further stupidity. A million terrible ends for the woman and the child rolled through his thoughts. A million ways in which everything he'd done could be rendered completely pointless. Dredging up strength via the anger he felt at the thought of someone wasting what had been done, he created a thick blanket of the softest cotton he could think of. It was gaily colored, adorned with complex polygons with seemingly impossible symmetry…it was a gift that would serve both caregiver and child alike.
"Sergeant Nomura," Kyoko took the blanket gently from Shinji and held it out to her left, "see that this gets used properly by someone, if you would." One of the Marines that had been walking calmly in a rearguard position, remaining 'available' without invading the privacy of the trio of their betters, jogged up and retrieved the blanket before disappearing and moving towards the house in question without saying a word. "We are working on such amenities as needed, please don't injure yourself." She wasn't chiding or denigrating his decision. The statement was clearly one of concern for his health, a peer asking a peer to trust their peers.
"Do you often give…such vague orders?" Rei kept the conversation away from anything that might require Shinji to speak, accepting what they'd learned last night as an excellent reason to keep him silent outside of his room. "I wouldn't think, 'properly used by someone' if I were tasking someone to do what I needed, myself."
"Simply playing the word games, that's all." She gave an indifferent shrug and a light smile to the younger woman, before urging them to keep moving through the inspection tour. "During Project Y I was given an…eclectic variety of informational texts to study. One of the consistent patterns I recognized, and this is why I'm not as taken aback as some by Pilot Ikari's laconic behavior, is that the choice of words by either non-human actors, or human actors interacting with non-human actors, is a cause of serious harm to everyone around the non-human actors. The interpretation of words, the interpretation of intent, or the misinterpretation of either, can have radical and drastic consequences. He created a blanket, how that act is interpreted to anyone who knows him even tangentially should be fairly consistent. However, what I choose to say regarding that blanket can infer meanings beyond what he'd intended. So, in order to not involve him in something he might not wish to involve himself in, I construct my orders around that lack of information so that my orders do not become his orders through my relationship with him. My kids know what I need them to do, and they're smart enough to divine my intent. That degree of distance is enough to shield him and place the onus on me instead. I'm human, he's not, and the peace is maintained."
The summation made sense to Shinji, not leaving anything out that he would have asked to be expressed. He had to be careful about what he said, and how he said it, because there was something out there taking those statements and creating connections that went well beyond what he'd wanted to have happen. Of course, at the moment, he also wanted to lean against Rei even harder. Creating that blanket had been hard, and that led to him wondering what the difference was between destruction and creation that made the former so easy and the latter so tiring.
Tiered farms, allowing for the cultivation of more crops in smaller space, were the next item that Rei and Kyoko presented to Shinji. It was a 'dog and pony', intended to show that the work was not done poorly due to being done hastily, which gave the pair the time they wanted to feel each other out. They each now had a ring, they each had the ear of a power beyond either of them. That gave a sense of sorority, which informed Rei's comment, "So, have you felt it? The…call?"
Kyoko nodded, her military bearing remaining in place. "Yes."
"Good."
"I assume we're not going to have a problem?"
"Hadn't planned on starting conflict, no. More than enough duties to go around, after all."
"Roger that."
If there was meaning behind the communication taking place, it happened at a level far above his capability to understand it. Shinji could tell that neither woman was upset, at least no more so than people typically seemed around him. He could sense that they were, to an extent, pleased with what the conclusions they'd jointly reached. He also accepted that the vague manner they had used when discussing amongst themselves was intended to stop him from understanding everything. A little concerning, perhaps, but he did give both Rei and Kyoko a ring for a reason. He trusted them, and they had promised that they would not abuse that trust. He didn't have to know everything, not any more than they needed to know everything he did. That's how trust worked…he hoped.
After showing the farms, the gardens, the play areas, the schools, the defensive fortifications, and every other necessity that had been crafted by eager Mujina artisans, the tour ended where it started, at the stairs leading in and out of the shrine proper. The people they had saved were now safe. Over two hundred people could now live with only ambient fear instead of deep-seated dread. It wasn't perfect, but it was a start. Rei tugged on Shinji's shirt, bringing him down low enough to plant a kiss on his cheek. "Thank you for taking the time to see what we created. Thank you for standing back and letting other people work." A fond smile grew on her lips as he blushed, his eyes focused on her own. "Tonight, you're having dinner with General Soryu. If I could ask for some of your time tomorrow, perhaps? Breakfast, or lunch, as you'd prefer. Everyone has things they'd like to talk about with you, and we only have that one room to use. I don't want to interject myself into your friendship with her, so no that's not a request to join you for dinner tonight. It can wait. We have time."
He didn't like that the request was phrased in such a way that it demanded an answer. But it was a minor irritation when compared to other things that had angered him, and it was a request that he didn't feel needed to be denied. Breakfast with Rei Hino…could be pleasant. A single nod, accepting the request, prompted her fond smile to grow into a pleased smile.
"Then I'll see you in the morning, Shinji-kun. I'll find a way to get word to Yukiko-san about breakfast so that I don't disturb you. I get the feeling that she's placed herself as a buffer between you and the world, to stop what Soryu-san was talking about. I'll make sure the others understand that too. She doesn't speak for you, but she knows where you are and can try to work messages between us all."
"I'll mention it to her myself," Kyoko assured her. "I think it's a good idea as well. He needs time in private, I think we all agree there, but if we're going to be cooperating with one another to save what's left of the human race…we might want to spend time reminding him of what it has to offer. What makes it worth saving."
"Great." Rei slammed closed the window of opportunity for him to react in any way to what had been said. "Ask her to come find me, if she can. I've found a few things in the stocks of food we brought back that will let me make something special. It won't use any additional rations, and it will give him a solid amount of calories to burn tomorrow."
"Sounds good. Have a good evening, if I don't see you again tonight." Kyoko bowed in farewell to Rei, then stepped aside to let the young woman say her goodbyes to Shinji in private.
The long-haired shrine maiden placed herself before Shinji, taking both of his hands in her own and giving him a look of serene confidence. "Things were said last night in anger. Tempers were frayed, nerves were jangled, and everyone has had too little sleep and too much stress. I know, deep in my heart, that you were not trying to hurt Minako-chan. I also know, because I talked to her last night, that she hadn't meant to needle you so much about…emotions. I assured her that you would apologize, once you calmed down, because that is the kind of man you are. I also told her that she would apologize to you, because she knows she ought to but is too afraid that her apology would be curtly dismissed or flatly ignored. Please, I know that you have every right to be angry…but could you find it in your heart to hear her out?"
The setting sun's crimson hues reflected off of her deep ebon hair, wreathing her beautiful face in flame. Shinji looked down upon a far different type of perfection from the one in Hera that bothered him so much. This young woman, this warrior-goddess, radiated affirmation of his existence while commanding his respect in a way that was both fulfilling and gratifying. Which was what it was that prompted him to wrap his arms around her and hug her close. She asked of him something he would have done on his own, eventually, but would have been afraid of doing for fear of further harming Minako. She had given him a chance to make things 'right', and for that he was beyond grateful.
Returning the embrace with growing warmth, Rei enjoyed both the physical contact and the radiant heat he provided in the cold autumn air. The young man in her arms was 'good' in the way that she'd long believed men simply were incapable of being. Was lost in a labyrinth that she knew all too well. Was…giving her affection in such an innocent way, yet feeling in himself that he was sullying her for the giving of it. Her ally's plan was starting to seem like it might not be the worst idea after all.
+++++ Hikawa Shrine, Azabu-Juban, Japan. (Wednesday + 11)
The door closing to his inner sanctum allowed Shinji to speak once again, "I'm…sorry."
Kyoko, in the middle of removing the blouse from her BDU, looked askance at him. "Whatever for?" Gone was the 'General', in her place was a pleasant woman with a calm, passionate, demeanor. "If tonight isn't a good night for dinner-"
He waved that idea off with one hand, rubbing the bridge of his nose with the other. "No, no. I need to eat. You said you needed to talk. Tonight is as good as any other night. I just…caught myself thinking things again." Gesturing with both hands, he indicated the room around them. "I invited you into my bedroom. Without thinking about what that might mean, or what that might signal to others, I just…walked you on in here."
"Correction," folding her blouse in half, lengthwise, she tossed it down onto the bed, "I walked in here of my own free will." Looking around the room, admiring the various bits of handiwork, she eventually wound up standing at his side while continuing her observations of the area. "I'm quite capable of determining for myself what I do and don't find appropriate."
Social anxiety caused a spike of frost to slide into his brain. The realization of how presumptuous it was of him to treat a woman as if she were unable to rationalize her own behaviors slapping him around.
"Relax," neither an order nor a request, she coupled the statement with a gentle touch against the small of his back. "I'm not upset at you for being enough of a gentleman to think of my reputation. I wasn't chiding you with some silly empowerment screed, I was trying to help you understand how I see the situation. This is where you're safe from the weight of being an Elder, a Titan, and a young man with a pained history. This would be the most sensible place for you and I to have an honest, open, discussion. Besides," her hand stilled, drawing his eyes down to hers, "I don't need to prove myself. I know who, and what, I am. It doesn't matter if anyone out there thinks I'm a sinner or a saint, it matters that I know the truth."
Bright blue eyes. The connection between the woman beside him and the woman that had always demanded he accept she was beyond him was never clearer than when he looked into those gorgeous blue eyes. Asuka couldn't have held a candle to the bonfire standing next to him. On her best day she wasn't able to summon a millionth of the confidence, of the presence, of the drive of Kyoko…but she might have, one day.
"Could I beg your forgiveness in asking something…selfish?" His hesitation at her appeal was not unexpected, and she appropriately read that it was worry that he had seemed unwilling to hear her thoughts rather than concern over what she was about to ask of him. His slow nod gave her the assent she needed, and she stepped boldly into the next phase of her plan. "You are…aware of what Hera and Inari want from you, yes?"
He groaned, grimacing at the idea. "Yeah…yeah, I'm aware."
"…Why do you consider me so appealing, when they could offer you something far greater?"
His cheeks darkened, the half-truth of her statement causing him a tidal wave of embarrassment. "I…I'm sorry."
"For finding me attractive?" She waited for a moment, allowing his silence to speak for him. "Shinji, if I'm going to have any sort of relationship with you, friend, colleague, partner, or otherwise, I think I deserve the right to know how you feel about me. Is it infatuation?"
That didn't seem likely, to him. He shook his head, negating the idea. Infatuation was a concept that didn't make much sense to him, ultimately. It usually meant mindlessly slavering after something unobtainable. Pretending that you could have it, ignoring the reality of the world.
"But you are attracted to me, yes? I'm not misreading your intent?"
The fact that one question required one answer, and the other the opposing answer, forced him to speak. Which, he thought, was likely her intention. "I…I meant it when I said you were beautiful. You aren't…you are right when you think I'm looking at you and…like…."
"Mmm." Moving to where she stood front-to-front with him, she tilted her head slightly and lifted her other hand to lay against his back. "So, you feel attracted to me. You look at me, and you see someone who appeals to you. Someone you trust."
With her 'assets' pressing ever so slightly against him, and her hands on his back, he felt his heart begin to race once again. The feeling had been happening more often, of late. The sensation of something beyond base attraction, something that escalated to the point of refusing to be ignored. His logical and rational mind told him that this wasn't a rush of hormones, wasn't a reaction to an attractive woman, wasn't something he could quantify or qualify so simply. "Y-yes."
"So, then," she pressed herself more firmly against him, prompting him to either hold her in return or let her fall forward against him, "why me, and not the dozens upon dozens of youkai that would gladly gift you all sorts of delights?" His arms encircled her, much the same way she'd seen him hold Rei Hino, and a sense of victory surged in her blood. "Why not a nigh-on flawless woman like Hera?"
It was a more than valid question. Would a normal person seek the attention of a goddess over a mortal? Would they seek the freedom to engage in acts of lust with a variety of women, over limiting himself to…. What he'd allowed Usagi to do last night came to the fore in his mind. What she'd said later in the morning slid in next. Did his assent to her obligate him to refrain from accepting other offers? Was his discussion with Minako and Rei supposed to change anything? Social norms required he answer Kyoko's question, and with half of his mind occupied trying to puzzle out what he was doing, the other half answered for the whole in a tone that showed how distracted he was, "Because I enjoy the way you trust me, the way you accept what I am, and the fact that your humanity allows me to connect with a part of my heritage that I never had a chance to experience before it was ripped away from me forever. I like how strong you are, mentally and emotionally. I like how you were willing to die to protect someone who you felt was the only chance of saving humanity. I like your drive, your dedication, the shape of your arms, the way your…hair…floats…." The 'executive brain' reassumed control over the entire system, reminding him that his mouth was running away from him and encouraging him to perhaps catch it before it does something irreparable. "I-I-I-I-I…."
"I see." She pursed her lips in thought, not moving from where she stood. His explicit reference to humanity, and her part in connecting him to it, solidified her resolve to do whatever she had to. "Would you say your opposition to…being shared, we'll call it, is…. Oh, how should I put this…dogmatic? An issue of ethos, more than interest?"
He couldn't believe that she wasn't offended that he'd said what he had. Such a confession back home would have had his head crushed long before his mind remembered his mouth existed. Yet here she was, still holding him close and asking him to fill in details instead of taking the knife he knew she kept in her boot and inserting it places he wouldn't find particularly comfortable. "I…I just…just, uhm…." He took a deep breath, tried to rally himself. "I don't want to be a father. I think that doing what they ask would be demeaning to everyone, y-yes. That's part of it. They don't deserve only part of someone, and I don't want to reduce my interactions with them to a level of animalism that…. B-but…I really, really, don't want to be a father."
For the first time during the conversation, surprise showed on her face. "This might seem presumptuous, but I believe you'd make a great father. You're a protector, a musical talent, a brilliant mind, and beneath the pain-hardened exterior I think there's a heart of gold. It's only natural to fear the responsibility that creating life inspires…but I think that denying yourself any children at all might not be the best answer to that fear."
"No child should have to watch their parent embrace death every day," he stated firmly. He wasn't upset at her, and tried to keep the anger he felt over the issue at bay, but it leaked out to a degree regardless. "My life is going to be consumed by finding and killing anything that wishes to threaten this planet. So far, I've been told that there are beings stronger than anything I've seen out there that will also require killing. What kind of father would I be…to…to…."
It was her turn to take a deep breath. Letting out a slow sigh, she nodded. "I understand. Honestly, it's why I never had children myself, other than not really looking for the right man to have them with. I'd never be home consistently. Never be able to give them a stable childhood. Never be certain I could be there for recitals, or skinned knees, or break-ups. The military was my spouse, the people in my unit my kids." A lopsided smile lit up her face again. "That makes sense. We're weapons, you and I. Our job is to give everyone else the opportunity to repopulate."
His head bobbed, relief filling him that she understood. "I know they want 'more Elders', 'more Titans'…I don't want to be responsible for monsters. Human, youkai, or otherwise, the result of not being there to show them how to act appropriately would just create monsters. I don't want someone to look at me…the way I look at my father, or try to kill me the way I killed my mother." Breath escaped him slowly. "I guess I'm terrible for thinking the way I do. I'd…probably enjoy doing…you know…. I mean, I have no idea. I haven't done…that. But Hera seems to think it would be fun, and I can feel my body turning my mind off when she…." He stopped. "I'm oversharing. I'm sorry."
"No, you're answering my question." Patting his back in a rapid tattoo, she urged him towards the only available seat in the room, his bed. Sitting down next to him, she loosened up further now that she had a greater understanding of his thought process. "Shinji, sex can be fun. It can be thrilling. It can be boring. It can be painful. It can be any number of things, all depending on why and who. If you don't 'feel' them, so to say, then other than a cheap physical rush you're not really going to get much out of it. If you and they are on a similar emotional wavelength, the benefits increase proportionately. That's why I'm asking about all of this. I think you and I…well, I think we could have a lot of fun. I'm attracted to you, you're attracted to me. I think that you're a good man, you think I'm someone worth trusting. Our main problem, and the reason I'm not putting the serious moves on you just yet, is that I know there are other women that are very, very, interested in you. You strike me as the kind of man that would look for exclusivity. That would need the emotional reassurance that whoever you were having sex with wasn't going around and doing the same with others. An open relationship, the kind that you believe they're asking for, just isn't something you want. Changing your relationship with someone by opening yourself up to them enough to connect on the kind of wavelength you'd seek out of intercourse…well, in your mind that's going to be a huge step. They might be comfortable with 'just sex', but you're not. They're not wrong for their opinion, you're not wrong for yours. Am I close?"
He nodded eagerly, she was managing to put into words things that he had been feeling but had no way of expressing. "I don't want to hurt. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of waking up hurting, I'm tired of falling asleep hurting. I'm tired of every time I think someone might be interested in me…everyone who's been interested in me has died. I'm talking to you about this, in here, because I'm positive that 'they' can't hear me. I just want to be accepted. I want to be held. I want…."
"You want to be loved." Scooting herself to where she was sitting next to him, she set his arm over her shoulders and held him close. "That's also something I understand. Every man that's ever approached me did so with politics in mind. You, you dashing man, are the first person who's ever looked at me as a woman first, and not a warm hole or a chess piece." Her smile was in her voice, the decision to use this evening to 'let her hair down' and broach difficult topics bearing greater fruit than she'd hoped possible. "I'm incredibly fortunate that you're willing to hear me out, and I promise I won't abuse what you gave me with this ring."
Hearing those words in a voice with echoes of Asuka, being held by a woman who might have been her mother in this world, stroked his mind in a way that emboldened him. Encouraged him. Drove him to use his far greater strength to lift her up and set her crosswise on his lap so that he could fold his arms around her tighter. She was beautiful, yes. She was brilliant, yes. But what she was, above any other possible descriptors, was safe. She understood his mind. She understood his heart. Now, with him holding her against his chest, he prayed that she would accept the contents of both. "I don't know what to do."
"I know." Her head settled on his shoulder, her lips lightly brushing his neck as she spoke, "If it helps at all…I'm kind of lost myself."
He snorted out a short laugh. "It…kind of does. At least I'm not alone."
"I'll help you figure out what you want from the world, Shinji. In exchange for one tiny favor."
Yukiko appeared in the room, walking through the closed door without disturbing it in the slightest. The small woman carried a tray over her head with two very differently sized meals, the destination of each plainly obvious based solely on the physical size of each individual. "Sorry for barging in, ძვირფასი, but the longer you go without food the worse you're going to feel tomorrow. I thought better of sending in the chef, figuring that she'd have to open the door to enter." Gesturing with one foot, she created a small table with three seats around it, setting the food down upon the table and pointing at it firmly. "Kissy-face can come later, eatty-time is now."
Somehow Shinji managed to be embarrassed, irritated, and amused all at the same time. The embarrassment came from a lance of fear that Kyoko's reputation would now be stained. Irritation came from his mind's realization that he was coming close to kissing the woman on his lap. Amusement came from the way his newest ally acted without any concern for the first two. She didn't care that he was near kissing another woman, she wanted him to eat. A few breaths smoothed out the contours of his emotions, and it was only with a mild pique that he asked, "Three chairs…are you joining us? I haven't seen you eat."
"Oh no," she motioned vaguely to the door, "I promised to ask you on the chef's behalf if she could come in and eat with you. She didn't know you were in here with anyone, and she'd like to make sure that what she made is up to standard while enjoying conversation with you and whomever else."
Kyoko, just as irritated as Shinji, nevertheless kept her voice friendly with the unknown quantity. "You didn't tell anyone who was in here?"
"Not my place." Yukiko shrugged with a mischievous grin. "This is his sanctuary. The one place in all reality he can come and be or do whatever he wants. Who he brings in here, and what he is doing with them, is nobody's business but him, theirs, and mine."
"…And you?" Shinji was surprised at the admission.
Her smile, while not physically changing, held an edge to it as she replied, "I will not let it win without a fight, ძვირფასი. Until it is gone from you, or you manage to permanently control it, your business remains our business. Besides," her demeanor returned to its typical joviality, "I think you're cute and I'd hate to see someone come in here and lead you down a path you wouldn't wish to walk."
"Oh." He blushed again, with the embarrassment this time purely revolving around being told by another powerful woman that he was 'cute'. "I…I'll leave it up to Soryu-sa-uhrk-" An elbow to the ribs reminded him that he was retreating into being overly polite again, Kyoko perfectly comfortable with utilizing the same method as Haruka to prove her point. "K-Kyoko. I'll leave it up to Kyoko."
The General was more involved now, the woman too uncertain about how much Yukiko knew of her plans. "Who prepared our meal?"
"Naoko Akagi, the one from his original reality." Gesturing to the food again, with more urgency, she made it evident that it was not being consumed quickly enough. "With young Miss McDougal still recovering, she felt it would be best that she take up the task of ensuring he eats properly for the time being."
Shinji, at least, took the hint and stood up from the bed while cradling Kyoko so that she wasn't unceremoniously dumped to the floor. The choices he had available from that point were either set her down on the floor to take the two steps to a seat at the impromptu dinner table, or just carry her himself for the one step it would take him. A slight hesitation then made the least awkward choice the best choice, and he took that step himself and used his foot to pull the seat out before setting her down upon it with an apology, "Sorry. I…kinda just acted."
"You acted like a gentleman." Kyoko pressed a light kiss to his jaw as he went to stand straight again. "And I thank you for the consideration of my safety and the fact that you think about whether or not I might want to do something myself." Subtly gauging Yukiko's reaction to her action, she came away without any more information than she'd already had. "If Doctor Akagi would like to join us, I see no problem with it. I've already spoken with him regarding what I was concerned about."
"Not that he'll hear the underlying thesis." Yukiko shrugged and turned to leave. "He's a dear man, even if he is a touch daft."
Watching the small woman pass through the door the same way she'd entered, Shinji scowled in confusion after her while taking one of the other seats next to Kyoko. "What…what underlying thesis?"
"That I'd like to have sex with you," Kyoko filled in the blank space casually, stirring her rice and eggs with precise, brisk, motions. The door opened again, stopping Shinji from responding and allowing her to smile casually across the table at him. "As often as possible, preferably." Her eyes shifted to Naoko, her head inclining politely to the new woman. "A pleasure to meet you, Doctor Akagi."
While Naoko seemed to not have anticipated who it was that was present, she covered over any shock easily and offered a return greeting after closing the door, "Guten Abend, Frau Doktor Zepplin-Soryu. Danke, dass ich mich dir anschließen durfte."
"…German, I believe. I'm afraid I don't speak the language."
"Oh. I was thanking you for allowing me to join you." Setting her plate down in the third position at the table, she pressed on the point leading to her confusion, "So, in this reality, your father never taught you his language?" Kyoko shook her head, her mouth too full to reply politely. "Oh. The tiny changes that make such large differences in our lives."
Shinji's mind was stuck on what Kyoko had just dropped on his head, but he possessed enough self-awareness to stop himself from speaking further to that effect with others present. Mechanically looking down at his plate, he began the laborious process of encouraging his hand and arm to begin moving appropriately to transfer the food between surface and his face.
Once Kyoko had swallowed her food, she kept him off balance. "Something wrong?" The tilt of her head, the slight hint of a smile, and the touch of mischief in her eyes told him more than enough. "I wouldn't have thought that my proposal was enough to ruin your appetite."
The air in the room was charged enough that Naoko had context to work with, which was part of the reason she'd wanted to come in and have dinner with whoever was with Shinji. "I'm sure you know better than I do, Doctor, that poor Shinji suffers from a crippling lack of confidence in himself. Whatever it is you've asked of him, I think he'll just need some additional time to process it."
"Was the Kyoko Soryu from your world a doctor? I'm afraid the highest I've attained is a Master's. Too much time spent cooperating in too many fields to attain Doctoral standing in any specific one. My time with Project Y probably qualified me to speak at such a level in xenobiology and cryptozoology, to say nothing of xeno-sociological and crypto-sociological issues. But I wouldn't claim the title. 'General' is enough of an achievement for me."
"A General? Bravo," she added a light golf clap of approbation, "that must have been rather challenging to accomplish in your time. We have more than a few female high-level officers back home, but Second Impact forced the issue."
"Thank you." Kyoko inclined her head politely, enjoying the fencing session with someone more than capable of keeping pace with her. "Have you noticed any major discrepancies between you and what you've learned of this world's Doctor Naoko Akagi?"
"Mmm, not really. We both fell for the wrong man, we both had a daughter, we both were on a path to ruin our lives by constantly seeking a taller and broader pair of shoulders to stand upon." Tapping her chopsticks against her lips, she allowed a touch of sadness to enter her voice. "I would have loved to meet the woman's daughter, though. From what I hear, she had her head screwed on much better than mine. Might have been because this world's Naoko Akagi ignored her. I was much more 'tiger mom', trying to make sure that she was prepared for a world that would eat her alive if she let it."
"From what I understand I had no real contact with her. I only ever met and spoke with the Angel."
Naoko shuddered, somehow making it a cute motion to Shinji's eyes. "You have my sympathies."
The addition of a third voice in their fencing session surprised both women. Dark, angry, full of drive to do terrible things to someone, "What did she do to you?" Shinji was now glaring towards, but not at, Naoko. Violence on a very, very short leash.
"Programmed me. Stripped away my humanity to discover how she should act at the most basic level. Taught me what it was that I would need to know so that I would be willing to serve you implicitly and explicitly." She shrugged. "None of it took, not fully. I'm afraid I'm a touch too narcissistic to be fully disempowered. I would have served you willingly without any of her…lessons." Reaching over, Naoko placed her hand atop his. She shared what faith and trust she knew he would accept, a smile that showed heartfelt happiness blossoming on her lips. "You know I'm unable to lie to you. She did what she did because she was going to have to act like me. There was never any malice, just cold necessity. As a scientist, the experience was actually enlightening. At least now I understand what a lab animal feels when we study it."
"I'm going to enjoy feeding her into The Murk." Gone was any semblance of the bashfulness he'd had moments before, of the confusion and disorientation he'd felt. The Shinji that was sitting there preparing to do terrible things to entities that had earned that fate in his mind was an Avatar of Eventuality. It was not a matter of 'if' he destroyed the Angels and tortured them for the rest of eternity. It was only a matter of when.
Naoko Akagi would have handled the matter differently, given her druthers. Most likely by pushing the table aside and climbing into Shinji's lap to soak up the sensation of sheltering in the hand of a living god of destruction, to urge him to bed her after a time, to luxuriate in being the only woman in the world that was forever safe in the grasp of death itself. It was a weakness she had, one she was well aware of, her love of powerful men. She knew why her daughter turned out the same way, she hated that she had. For herself? It was a narcotic. Dangerous, addictive, and bliss-inducing. At least, of course, before she was permanently sworn to service to the type of man that would never abuse her…so long as she didn't bring it on herself.
It was Kyoko, however, that acted faster. Standing from her seat, she crossed around behind Shinji and hugged him around his shoulders. Pressing her breasts into his back, whispering near his cheek where her lips occasionally brushed his flesh, she sought to help him regain control over the temper that she'd suspected lingered beneath the surface. "She's not here, Killer. This is a place of tranquility. Of safety. A place where you can relax, where you can be who you are in your heart. There's no need for dark acts here, no reason to crush throats or rip hearts free of their moorings. Come back to us. Enjoy your dinner with two beautiful women. Take your leisure listening to us spar with one another." She could feel her words working as she spoke them, cautiously unwinding the turnkey that tightened the spring of brutality within him. This was why she wanted so desperately to have someone human keep him grounded. Elders and Titans and youkai and Olympians, all were beings of the primal order. Emotions and actions, none of which were controlled from within. They operated on Laws and Rules and Superstition. He had, within him, humanity. The spark of Choice. If she had to suck his dick in public every morning to stop him from obliterating everything with uncontrolled rage she'd do so with zeal and pleasure. If laying in his bed and allowing him to delight in her form would solve the problem, she saw no reason to flinch from the task. "There we go…see? Just three people, getting to know one another." Pressing a kiss just behind his ear, she restrained the sense of relief she felt and walked back over to her seat. "Perhaps a different topic, Naoko. I hear that one of our new tenants was a Poet Laureate from his time in British controlled Hong Kong, an octogenarian."
Shinji returned to himself, looking down at his food and once more mindlessly placing appropriately sized segments into his mouth. He'd been one small hair from erupting violently and leaving the Shrine to seek out and brutalize the Virus Angel. Hearing but not listening to the two self-professed beautiful women, he focused on his breathing in an effort to drive out the emotional flotsam that had continued to wedge itself in his mind.
+++++ Hikawa Shrine, Azabu-Juban, Japan. (Wednesday + 11)
"Is there a problem?" Mizore had stopped by to chat with Yukiko, strategizing and refining the tactics they would employ the next day when they tried to save more people from around the world. When the shorter non-human frowned worriedly at the door leading into Shinji's bedroom, it had a chilling effect on her already frozen blood.
When Kyoko caressed and coerced Shinji back down from the brink, Yukiko began to relax in tandem with the young man. She could sense, easily now with her presence having been established in the Cone of Silence, that their reality had just crept very close to summary judgement. The Beast That Shouted Hate at the Heart of the World would be nearly impossible to stop in time, and the retribution it would invite would only make things worse. "No. At least, not for now," she smiled wanly, "I think."
"You think, or you hope?"
Yukiko's smile became grimly knowing. "What I do and do not wish for is not something I would blithely broadcast for the Laws to taunt me with. I believe that we are fine, for now. He has regained control over himself, with the aid of General Soryu."
It was Mizore's turn to frown towards the door. "I never really took her for one to be so…wanton."
"She's not." The idea amused Yukiko greatly. "She's doing what she can to remind him of his human side. To allow him to learn, grow, and accept that part of his nature. Her life, and her eventual death, will strengthen his bonds to humanity as a whole. They exist within this universe, as do so many other mortals with similar needs, wants, and desires. It would be best that he not forget them entirely, so that he does not forget himself entirely."
"And that means seducing him?"
"Saeko Mizuno, Ritsuko Akagi, and whatever mortal desires he might have held a candle for where he came from. All dead. All torn from him by life's whims and mischosen Words. She is a warrior, accustomed to risk and daunting tasks. Like it or not, sex plays a vital role in a mortal entity's psyche. Bonding, reproduction, alleviation of boredom, any of the multitude of reasons for the act…it's a lens through which every mortal being looks at some point in their life. She does what she does to help him look through that lens and see mortality. If they bond, if she learns to love, all the better in her mind."
"Love is…pretty important to him." She knew that well enough; he was very similar to Tsukune Aono in that regard. "I don't think he's going to take it well if she seduces him and he discovers that she doesn't love him."
"You misunderstand." Yukiko motioned the thought away. "She doesn't love anyone. It's not an emotion in her mind that she's either comfortable or conversant with. Like many people, she's never had someone look at her and see her. They see the rank, or the body, or the mind, but never the whole. Now, sitting in there, is an attractive, vulnerable, man that looks at her and sees the entire woman. She's learning to love, teaching him to lust, and buying all of us a little more life. If I thought she intended to harm him, I'd have already decorated the area around us with a festive dusting of her internal organs. I'm probably the only being near him that's capable of doing so, without immediately dying in reprisal."
Mizore recognized that as true. The pint-sized powerhouse hid her strength well, and still managed to be the most overwhelming entity in any room she walked into aside from Shinji. When she looked back at her, curiosity overtook caution. "You care for him, don't you?"
"I am becoming quite accustomed to my place in his life, yes." Of course she wouldn't outright admit anything, she knew what she was being asked and knew how to answer it.
"…Yet you'd kill him without a second thought."
"I'd kill it. He knows what will come of losing the fight. He has embraced that end, should it be necessary. I would not watch him die with a glad heart, but it would not be I that would kill him." Her head leaned somewhat forward, her gaze hardening ever so slightly. "For one who denies their own feelings, you seem all too eager to prod others about theirs. Sort out your own house before criticizing mine, child. I am at least upfront with him about how I feel."
+++++ Author's Notes:
AirGuitar035: RE: Characters.
Yeah, one of the things I've noticed I enjoy is filling the world I'm writing about with actual people. Some in passing, some eventually returning for a longer stay, but always more people for the characters to meet. Community and socialization, and the natural human difficulties with each, are a huge part of Evangelion. Exposing Shinji to different people, watching him react, there's a lot of good material to use there, in my opinion. Some, like I'm sure you might agree, think I use far too many characters. It's likely a matter of taste, and informed by the type of literature the reader in question consumes. You might have noticed that I'm a bit of a long-form writer.
Ghost Man: RE: Speak and Speech.
I'm mostly confident that this chapter answered your question. Which, of course, happens often because you have a good feel for the flow of my narratives by now and have figured out round abouts when I'm going to make some form of reveal.
Guest: RE: Shinji's path.
Shinji walks a dark and winding road, striving towards the light ahead of him. A light that is usually another freight train headed his way because the damn fool hasn't realized he's walking on train tracks yet.
GunMetalSnail429: RE: "This is what it's like when worlds collide".
Multiverses are fun, but overdone in my opinion. A large part of the 'overdone', to me, is that people use 'premier characters' in those crossovers. It's always the heroes teaming up, or the deuteragonist from one story supporting the main character of another. I like taking tertiary characters and placing them alongside new main characters, forcing each to actually become more character than caricature. I like taking tiny bits of lore and backstory and fleshing it out, intertwining it with the narrative so that it's no longer a 'throw away gag' or 'episode filler'.
Using Keitaro Urashima's sacrifice to show how broken Naru Narusegawa is, using Sarah McDougal to show what a life lived out of a duffel bag can do to a child. Taking Mizore Shirayuki out of the Academy and having her apply what she'd learned while watching an idiot attempt to be everything to everyone to a new idiot that's from a far bleaker world. Showing how Hera is often misunderstood by modern scholars, how she's been both lionized incorrectly and demonized inappropriately. To me, these are all far more fun than having Shinji try to keep up with other main characters that are either better grounded or more poorly defined. Having women be drawn to his earnest charm, having him misinterpret their interest and lash out in anger because he literally is incapable of understanding them, there is good drama and honest dialogue to be mined in that. I can use it, and hold up a mirror to the world and say, "Look! Neither of your binary viewpoints is wholly correct!"
Shinji can, and probably should, accept the love of more than one person. The world he is in, which is nothing like the world we live in, has room for a family larger than one man and one woman. He has to learn to love himself, though. He has to learn to accept that who and what he is, is not without merit or value. He has to overcome his flaws, embrace the pain that exists in every human relationship, and grow to a point where that's possible. It would take the right combination of women, people who understood that they would both have to set the pace and the limitations, for it to work at all. "The Power of Love" that is the Sailor Senshi will only carry everything so far before the grim reality that is Evangelion stomps all over it. Ultimately, his would-be family has to embrace the grey area that exists in both series but remains largely ignored by fans that miss the trees for the forest.
Is this Shinji going to have anyone to love, though? That is a completely different question.