40 – Jack
Ianto is not himself here.
I know he hates this place, it oozes Mom but he is giving it his best shot as the kids beg for the hot tub.
He give in as he always does and soon we are in the hot water, Jessie in my lap singing a nonsense song for the other two as Ianto potters about getting some food ready. He will not come in with us, he never does. Later when the kids are watching a movie in their jimjams he might get in with me but never with them.
The scars are so faint, the reminders of his sad youth and the dark days are there. Why he wars those long sleeved shirts. Really… you can barely see them. When he wears a tight t-shirt so I can see those abs… I love staring at him but he hates it. The marks on his arms from living rough and missing his mama. Not serious attempts … painful moments to release the sorrow under his skin. I know what those mark are on his arms and upper legs. Ianto used to cut to let the poison out and to feel something… something else. He told my mother the first time she asked, it was from barbed wire as a child. My mother is dim.
His father creating all this mess… OK… Rhiannon and his father creating all this mess in his head is so unfair. He was happy… we were happy but lately he is slipping. Our first night here and he had a nightmare, calling for his mama and now on the third night here I know it will likely happen again.
My biggest worry is the way he seems to shrink sometimes… appear less than I know he is and I hate that. I really want to support him but it's hard when he pulls away. Something is eating at him and I wish he would see a shrink or something. We have one for the kids and he encourages them to go there, to vent about their lives and they seem more settled for it… but still he pulls away.
I am missing something. I don't know what. I wish we were at home with my old calendar I keep on the door behind my coats and stuff in my study because I feel that whatever it is, it might be on there. A special date or something so today while I am at work I will go home and look.
Something. It's something important, I feel it. I just don't know what.
.
.
So that was a waste of time, standing there in the cold barren house staring at the calendar with my coats flung on the floor like some tantrum. It's not up there. It's not Rhiannon's birthday or the anniversary of something ... I don't know what it is at all. It's not a date he usually acts like this on so … I feel a little lost here.
Maybe Toshiko or Owen might know, they've known him so long maybe he had confided in them?
.
.
"You don't know?"
"No... why I am asking you!" sometimes ya know, Owen is pretty dammed thick for a learned man.
"Oh… well… it's not a hard one. It's the anniversary of her death coming up… when he did it." Owen said like it was nothing at all and I feel my gut twist. Of course. A big one, right? Owen seems to pause as he considers and it's like he heard my thought as he adds "also the 20th anniversary of the bastard's court case."
"Ianto was just a child, surely he didn't take part in any of it" I ask.
"He did. He and Rhiannon both gave evidence … you know… Toshiko has the file somewhere, the court case. She wanted to know why he was so leery of some things, especially the local Heddlu. Our cops. Well… she never gave it to me to read but she did say it was horrible how she died and Ianto saw everything." Owen sighed as he finally looked up and I saw that he was not being flippant, he was terribly uncomfortable taking about it with me "He hates it spoken of out loud… at all."
"Thanks Owen. He's having bad dreams and stuff that I know is because of all this crap at the moment… Jesus. The Old Man got life… doesn't seem right that he is loose walking around after that" I feel a low burning in my gut as I see why Ianto is so upset about his parole. Not even 20 years for his mother's death. She was worth less than that. I know he has worked hard to keep him inside as long as he did and I have to commend him on that but it's not an easy thing to have to live with, champion every parole hearing.
And he lost.
The monster is free and once more haunting Ianto more freely than his poor mother's memory.
If it comes to it… I will slay this monster for my love, I will look him in the eye and drive a knife into his heart for the comfort of my love. I know I will. For the first time in my life I feel a bloodlust for someone's very soul.
If a monster like him even has one.
Jesus wept. Ianto is tormented and hunted.
I hope they catch the bastard soon because if I do… I will give up a piece of my own soul if I have to in order to save Ianto's.
I know I will.