Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls
Chapter 41: Lisa Lavender, or: Everyone Hates Journalists
Jaune had always suspected that the hardest part of dating would actually be getting a date in the first place. He didn't lack for confidence or effort, but he also knew that he was the kind of guy who was going to have to take a few cracks at it before he found any success – that was just the nature of being young, awkward, and inexperienced. The silver lining was that he'd always had a group of very supportive friends and family behind him, so he knew that when he did finally manage to land a girl, they wouldn't hesitate to back him up.
Of course, reality had a funny way of defying his expectations.
"Jaune," Yang said cautiously. "I don't mean to alarm you, but there's a huge cockroach hanging on your arm."
Jaune sighed tiredly. "For the hundredth time, Lisa isn't a cockroach, she's my girlfriend."
Yang shrugged. "Cockroach, journalist, what's the difference?"
Next to him, Lisa pouted. "That's quite rude of you. What did I ever do to you?"
"Well, for starters, you're a journalist," Yang began. "As for the rest… honestly, that's bad enough that I don't even need another reason. By the way, fuck you."
Again, Lisa pouted, and Jaune sighed. He had only been dating her for about a week now, but it had been like this ever since they had first made it official. And it wasn't just Yang, it was everybody – it was as if the entire school had it in for Lisa.
But before we continue, an explanation is in order.
One week earlier…
For the first time in a long time, Jaune felt good. Things were looking up – he had managed to bring his first semester at Beacon to a close with passing grades, which was fantastic given how shitty he had been doing for the first couple of weeks. He was steadily getting better and better when it came to fighting, Pyrrha's exercise routine was starting to show results in the form of muscles he didn't even know he had, and he was just about ready to begin training for the Vytal Festival. Yup, life was good, so good that he couldn't help but lose himself in his own thoughts as he strode through the campus grounds, watching the various tents and stands being put up for the Festival in a few weeks.
"Excuse me!"
At the sound of the strange voice, Jaune paused. He looked around, but couldn't find anyone save for the workers putting up the attractions around him. Footsteps from behind caught his attention, and he turned to find a strange woman dressed in a nice outfit – a black suit jacket over a purple collared shirt, and a black pantsuit to complete the look. Coupled with her light purple hair and yellow eyes, it made her look very professional.
Of course, the cameraman following her and the microphone in her hands helped, too.
Before Jaune had a chance to say anything, the woman and her cameraman stopped in front of him, and she began to speak.
"Lisa Lavender, Vale News Network," she stated. "Do you have time to answer a few questions for a special story we're running?"
"Uh..." Jaune began. "I don't know. My dad always told me to never talk to cops or journalists, and especially not journalists – at least with cops they can't take your lawyer out of context without repercussions."
"Do I look like the kind of person who would do that?" Lisa asked, leaning forward a bit. Despite himself, Jaune couldn't help but cast a glance down at her chest, noticing that the first few buttons close to her neckline were undone, revealing just a hint of the lacy black bra underneath her professional attire.
He swallowed nervously. "...Well, I suppose I could-"
"Excellent." She turned back to the cameraman, a smile crossing her face. "I'm here today with… what'd you say your name was, again?"
The mic was suddenly thrust in his face, and Jaune felt like he had no choice but to respond. "J-Jaune Arc."
"Jaune Arc," she repeated. "Jaune has so graciously decided to answer those burning questions that our lovely ladies in the audience have been dying to ask, but have always been too afraid to put out there. Luckily, Vale News Network is on the case." She cleared her throat. "As you may all know, spring is in the air, and with it comes that special day – Valentine's Day."
Jaune couldn't help but frown at that. Valentine's Day, AKA the day where every single eligible young bachelor except him was lavished with flowers, chocolates, and love letters. He had long since chosen to just block it out of his memory, knowing that it would suck a lot less if he didn't think of it besides using it as an excuse to score some cheap candy the day after, but apparently even at Beacon, he could never truly escape it.
Lisa went on. "Unfortunately, many of our young female viewers have run into a conundrum – Valentine's Day approaches, yet they don't have a special someone to share it with. How tragic!"
Jaune rolled his eyes. Yes, how tragic it was to be single for one stupid holiday. Not like he didn't know how that felt for his entire life or anything.
"Of course, a big source of the problem is demographics," Lisa continued. "Women simply outnumber men on all of Remnant by a little bit, and that isn't helped by the fact that men are generally drawn to more dangerous jobs in general. So you take a male population that's already outnumbered, reduce them even further by accounting for those in dangerous fields of employment, and you wind up with a section of the female population that doesn't have a special someone. And a lot of that is for one simple reason – many women are afraid to date a Huntsman, for fear of the job taking its toll. Of course, can you truly blame them? Being a Huntsman is dangerous work, with a short life expectancy. But, dear viewers, we here at VNN are about to put some of those fears to rest. In our conversation with Jaune Arc, a young Huntsman-in-training at Beacon, we will show you that not only are many of these young men eligible bachelors just waiting for a fine young woman to call their own, but that there might also be certain perks to picking a Huntsman after all."
Well, that… was reassuring, if nothing else. He had almost expected Lisa to try to demonize him or something, but apparently she was genuinely interested in helping not just lonely women, but lonely Huntsmen as well. If nothing else, he could respect that desire enough to answer a few of her questions.
Lisa looked back to him. "So, Mister Arc, our viewers want to know: what's it like being a Huntsman?"
Jaune hesitated, unsure about how to answer at first. "Well, it's a lot of work," he said. "Most of my time is spent training in some way. I'm still just a trainee, but once I graduate, I'll get a lot busier, since I'll be expected to start taking missions."
"How busy, exactly?" Lisa asked.
He shrugged. "It depends on the mission. Some of them can take awhile and be pretty dangerous, but I've heard that most of the Huntsmen out there decide to settle down a bit and start taking less dangerous work once they start families. That's what my dad did, at least – he went from being away for weeks on end to, at most, only being gone for a couple days out of the year. The rest of the time, he was doing small jobs closer to home."
"So you aren't always gone all the time or putting yourself in harm's way that much," Lisa observed.
"Exactly," Jaune replied. "It's still a dangerous job, don't get me wrong, but much of the danger can be mitigated if you take the right missions."
"Good to know," Lisa said. "You mentioned training earlier. Care to go into detail a bit?"
"Sure," Jaune said. "Much of our training is what you'd expect – weapons, working as a team, tactics..."
"Physical training?" Lisa questioned.
He nodded. "Yes, lots of physical training."
"Lots, you say?" Lisa asked. "Does that involve weightlifting?"
"It does," Jaune confirmed. "Pretty much everybody lifts weights if they're training to be a Huntsman. Even the women tend to follow a pretty rigid strength training routine – it's just too helpful not to do, you know?"
"I can see that," Lisa said. "Now then, because I know the girls in the audience are dying to know: would you mind showing us the results of your training a bit?"
Jaune hesitated. "What do you mean?"
"Like this," Lisa said, taking hold of his arm and raising it. "Mind flexing your bicep for me?"
"Uh, sure," Jaune said, doing as she asked.
Lisa let out a small hum of approval. "Very nice," she confirmed. "Thick and heavy. You must spend a lot of time training."
"We all do," Jaune cautiously replied, lowering his arm. It was probably just him hearing things, but he could have sworn that Lisa let out a sigh of disappointment as she let go of his arm. "It's just part of the job, really. We have to keep in good shape if we're going to serve the people like we're expected."
"True, true." Lisa nodded along. "I don't suppose we could get a look at your abs?" Jaune hesitated again, and she quickly added, "For the story, of course."
"Sorry, but I can't right now," Jaune said. "I'd have to take off my armor and my hoodie, and-"
"Ah, I see – you want to stay vigilant. I can respect that," Lisa interrupted.
Inwardly, Jaune frowned. What he meant to say was that taking all that stuff off just to lift up his shirt a bit would be kind of a pain, but it was nice of Lisa to try and cover for him, he supposed. Maybe not all journalists were as bad as his parents made them out to be.
"Did you have any more questions?" Jaune asked.
"Oh, so many." Lisa flashed him a quick smile. "Of course, a couple of these might get a bit… hm… I suppose 'sultry' is the correct word."
Jaune flushed red, bringing a hand up to rub at the back of his head. "Well, I wouldn't really be the right one to ask those questions, then. I kind of… don't have much experience when it comes to that stuff?"
Lisa blinked, surprised. "Truly?"
"Uh, yeah." He let out a small, embarrassed cough. "Consider me a late bloomer, I guess."
"Well, I wouldn't worry about it," Lisa reassured. "Remember that out of the two of us, you're still the expert here, so there's nobody more qualified to answer the questions than you."
Jaune just sighed. Apparently, she was still intent on asking him questions. Well, he might as well – after all, he could always just tell her he didn't know.
"Okay, let's start with this," Lisa began. "Is it common for Huntsmen to meet their significant other during school, or while on a mission?"
Jaune was taken aback. He was surprised – he had thought that these questions would be a bit more personal than that. Still, if she was willing to keep them general, he could play along.
"Not really," he answered. "Sure, there's plenty of dating that goes on in the academies – I mean, it's a bunch of supremely fit and attractive young men and women living in coed dorms, so of course – but from what I've heard, it's rare for couples to stay together past graduation unless they spend a lot of time in the field with each other or they happen to be on the same team."
"And that's not very common?" Lisa asked.
Jaune shook his head. "Not really, no. It happens sometimes, of course, but it's a lot more rare than people think."
"So what you're saying is that there are a lot of eligible, sexy, very fit and attractive singles walking around, just waiting for a partner," Lisa asked.
"Maybe?" Jaune said, uncertain. "I'm not sure-"
"Next question," Lisa said, cutting him off. "Exactly how dangerous is the job? You've spoken generally about this before, but can you go a bit more in-depth?"
"That depends on the mission," Jaune replied. "I can't really answer more in-depth than that, unfortunately. But like I said, most people will start taking less dangerous missions once they settle into domestic life. Sure, I suppose they're all dangerous to a certain degree, but you rarely hear about trained Huntsmen dying on a simple Beowolf extermination mission. Those are really what guys with families or significant others rely on to pay their bills, by the way – there's no shortage of minor Grimm that need to be exterminated, and thankfully they're not that dangerous if you know what you're doing, which I'd imagine everyone who manages to graduate from an academy does."
"Good to know," Lisa confirmed. "One final question."
"Shoot," Jaune said, feeling a bit more confident in himself now.
"Would you say the rumors about men with a lot of aura are true?" Lisa asked, raising an eyebrow.
Jaune blinked. "...Sorry, I don't understand the question."
"You know, the rumors about men with big aura," Lisa specified.
Again, Jaune blinked. "...Yeah, you're gonna have to spell it-"
"How big is your Johnson?" Lisa blurted out.
"My Johnson?" Jaune asked.
"Yes, your Johnson," Lisa said. "You know, your penis. Your genitalia. Your third leg."
"Is this really an appropriate question to be asking on live TV?" Jaune said, casting a glance at the camera.
"Of course it is," Lisa replied. "I'm the journalist here, so I would know. Come on, don't you trust journalists?"
"Not really, no," Jaune said.
Lisa balked at that. "What?!"
"I don't know why you're so surprised," he stated. "I'm pretty sure your job is literally the only one in the entire world with approval numbers lower than the Council's. But at least with the Council, we know to expect that they're all snakes that will sell the common people down the river. You guys don't have an excuse."
"...Okay, point," Lisa conceded. "Look, could you just-"
"Sorry, but no," Jaune said flatly. "Anyway, are we done here?"
Lisa sighed, then nodded. "I suppose so. Thank you for your time, Mister Arc."
Jaune nodded, then turned and walked away. As he did so, he breathed a sigh of relief. Sure, that could have gone better… but given that he was talking to a journalist, it also could have gone a lot worse.
However, something told him that he hadn't seen the last of Lisa Lavender.
It was later that night when there was a knock at the door. Looking up from his comic book, Jaune checked the nearby clock, then frowned. It was just past seven, meaning he should have been the only one in the dorm right now – Pyrrha would be in the gym, Ren would be meditating, and Nora would be off doing Nora things somewhere.
He wasn't quite sure what Nora things actually were, but given that they involved high explosives and syrup, he was probably better off not knowing.
Anyway, needless to say that he was curious about the stranger knocking on his door when, for all intents and purposes, nobody should have been. Setting his comic aside, Jaune stepped over to the door and pulled it open, only to be blindsided by Lisa Lavender trying to push her way in.
"Hello, Jaune," she said as she tried to force her way into the room.
"Lisa?" Jaune said with surprise, as he closed the door on her. "Is there a reason you're trying to force your way into my room?"
"A little one-on-one interview, we'll call it," Lisa said, not letting up in her attempts to enter for even a moment. "We have unfinished business."
"And what would that be?" he asked.
"What do you think?" she said, fluttering her eyebrows at him. "My segment isn't complete yet. I need a little hands-on experience."
"Are you seducing me?" Jaune asked.
"Why yes, as a matter of fact, I am," she said, proud.
"I refuse," he replied, his voice flat.
"What?!" she demanded. "But why?"
"I don't date journalists," was the response.
"Oh, come on!" Lisa complained. "We're not even that bad! All I want is to help our female viewers get a man, is that asking too much?!"
"Yes," Jaune replied.
Lisa grit her teeth. "Just five minutes!"
"No."
Lisa opened her mouth to respond, only to catch herself at the last minute. Smirking, she reached a hand up towards the top of her shirt.
Seeing it, Jaune raised an eyebrow. "What are you doing?"
Her smirk just widened as she undid the top couple of buttons, just enough to reveal her chest. Jaune paused when he noticed that she wasn't wearing a bra, his pants suddenly feeling very tight.
Sure, Lisa wasn't exactly in his age group, and sure, she was – may the Gods forgive him for uttering this word – a journalist, but still, titties were titties, and he was a teenage boy.
And then Lisa leaned in to whisper to him, and things got a lot worse.
"I'm not wearing any panties, Jaune~"
That did it. He was a teenage boy, and this was suddenly too much for him. Journalist or not, his mind was made up. Jaune threw open the door, an embarrassed blush crossing his face.
"...We do this quickly," he muttered.
"Oh, of course!" Lisa said, striding into the room and closing the door behind her. A video camera was in her off-hand, and she set it on a nearby dresser before starting to adjust it. "This is just for my segment – it'd be unprofessional of me to get attached to the subject of a story."
"I wasn't aware that journalists had standards these days," Jaune stated. "Well, aside from double standards, that is."
"Oh, ha-ha," Lisa deadpanned. She finished setting up her camera, then turned back to him. "Now then, let's get to it. And remember – no funny business or getting attached. This is strictly for my segment."
"If you say so," Jaune said. "I'm just in it to lose my V-card."
The two of them fell into bed together, and just like that, their relationship had begun.
Needless to say, Lisa had actually gotten attached to him pretty quickly after that. Not for any good reason, mind you – in fact, it was for a pretty stupid one, all things considered. Sure, she had initially been disappointed to find out that aura reserves did not actually correlate with dick size, but while Jaune wasn't the biggest dick in town by a long shot, he more than made up for it with the one thing aura did correlate with when it came to sex.
Namely, stamina.
Lisa may have been an older woman with years of experience on him – fitting for the one job a civilian could hold that would still get them labeled a political whore, he supposed – but she had nothing on the benefits that Jaune's aura gave to him when it came to the bedroom. She just couldn't keep up with his energy in bed. Jaune had ended up rocking her world completely by accident, his stamina more than making up for his lack of experience.
It hadn't taken long before Lisa had been reduced to a drooling, ahegao-ridden, cum-covered mess. The fact that it had all been recorded and the highlight reel would be aired on TV was just the cherry on top. Even better was that Jaune didn't feel bad about it at all. Sure, the entire TV viewerbase was going to get to see him naked, but at least they were also going to see him fucking. Really, Lisa was the one who should have felt bad, but somehow he could just tell she didn't regret it.
Anyway, the point was that somehow Jaune had gotten himself a girlfriend out of this. Not that he had even tried to get one, mind you – Lisa had just pursued him relentlessly after that night, apparently because the sex had been so mind-blowingly good for her that anything besides another Huntsman would have been a massive downgrade.
Jaune wasn't about to tell her that a relationship based purely around good sex probably wasn't a relationship that would last, but honestly, he didn't even care. Lisa had already made it clear that she was down for anything he wanted to do so long as it meant she got to keep riding his nuts, and that was basically an offer he couldn't refuse – seriously, journalist aside, Lisa was still a hot older woman, and the fact that she was down to do whatever he wanted in bed was too good of an opportunity for him to pass up.
It was just a shame that none of his friends approved.
Across the table, Ruby nodded. "You tell her, Yang."
Jaune raised an eyebrow. "Really, Ruby? You, of all people?"
Ruby shrugged. "I mean, they did run that story on me after I stopped Torchwick from robbing that Dust store. Sure, nothing bad happened from it, but something bad could have happened, and that's what really matters."
"Wow, how scummy," Nora said. "They didn't even censor your name or anything?"
"Nope," Ruby replied. "Same with my age. In fact, they specified that I was Ruby Rose, age fifteen, from Patch."
"Oh, come on!" Lisa protested. "That's not even that bad! You could probably find the same information in a phone book or something!"
"Who uses phone books anymore?" Blake asked. "And I say that as the resident book-reader of the group."
"Nobody does," Ren answered. "Lisa is just being a boomer."
"I'm only in my thirties!" Lisa said.
Ren crossed his arms. "You're a boomer on the inside. And not just because you know what a phone book is, but because you're on TV, and only boomers trust anything they see on TV."
"Oh, yeah?" Lisa asked. "Well, where do you get your information, then?"
"Not from the idiot box, because nine times out of ten, none of the shit you guys air on TV actually matters," Ren replied. "And when it does matter, there's generally an independent video of whatever event you're covering out there somewhere, so I can just watch the full video for myself and draw my own conclusions from that. Face it, lady – talking heads like you are a thing of the past."
"The future is now, old woman," Pyrrha stated.
Lisa was taken aback. "Old…?" she whispered. "I'm not old! Jaune, tell them I'm not old!"
"You're a mature woman," Jaune reassured her.
"See? Jaune says I'm mature, not old," Lisa said, proud.
"He's lying to you and only saying that because he's afraid you'll cut the sex off if he says anything else," Pyrrha replied.
"Actually-" Jaune began, only for Pyrrha to cut him off.
"I don't know why he continues going to bat for you, since it's obvious that you love his dick so much that you won't give it up no matter what," Pyrrha said. "Seriously, his cock is so far up your snatch that whoever pulls it out might as well change their name to King Arthur."
Lisa hesitated. "...Okay, I'll concede that point," she admitted. She let out a sigh. "I just don't understand why everyone seems to hate journalists so much these days."
"I mean, it could be because you kind of feed off of other peoples' misery," Yang pointed out. "Given that you're pretty much always the first ones on-scene whenever there's a tragedy and you make sure to sensationalize it so it sells with zero shits given as to how you're hurting the people who are actually involved in the story."
"Plus the fact that bad news attracts Grimm," Ruby added. "So if the story is heinous enough, your reporting quite literally kills people."
"Let's not forget that every single news organization is owned by some kind of corporate entity, meaning they're all for-profit, so you can't expect them to be unbiased in the slightest because there's a chance that it would cut into their bottom line if they were," Blake said.
"Or how the press as a whole is capable of needlessly prying into the lives of private citizens and publishing in-depth details about their innermost secrets while hiding it beneath a thin veneer of journalistic integrity, just enough so that they can't get sued for libel," Weiss explained.
"What about how the entire journalism apparatus has the unique ability and power to function as a completely un-elected pillar of government, beholden to nobody but their own corporate owners, private agendas, and profit margins, meaning they exist with absolutely no oversight as to what they do, and can get away with pretty much everything, no matter how heinous it is?" Nora asked.
"And let's not forget that every single press organization is in on all of this and are all colluding to push the same narrative, which we know for sure because they've been caught doing it before and only an idiot wouldn't be able to notice the connection when all of them publish the same exact story so close to each other, giving them a uniquely nebulous ability to astroturf a consensus by selectively manipulating which information the public gets to view," Weiss said.
"Oh, and we have to mention the fact that journalists as a whole are some of the most fragile, thin-skinned people in the world when it comes to defending their non-existent reputations. You can insult any other occupation in the world pretty much without issue, but the moment you insult a journalist and call them a lying fucknugget bottomfeeding parasite who's nothing more than a political whore out to line their own pockets or something, they get pissy at you and demand to speak to the manager, likely because they all have an unwarranted sense of self-importance owing to the fact that they know how much influence they have as a result of their job and the fact that their duties bring them within close proximity of rich and famous people that we're apparently supposed to care about for some reason, likely because the same people whose job it is to report on them tell us we should care about them in the first place."
"And, of course, there's the fact that absolutely none of this is a new phenomenon by any means, and that it's more likely than not that the entire media apparatus has been dirty and corrupt since the very beginning, and that it's only now with the advent and widespread proliferation of the DustNet that their ability to actually form a consensus is starting to wane and they're losing influence very quickly, which they're increasingly angry and paranoid about because it means they're going to be made irrelevant sooner rather than later, so they're trying to artificially stave it off by pressuring the government as well as the private companies responsible for running the biggest sites on the DustNet to help intervene on their behalf," Blake said.
"So basically, to answer Lisa's question, there are a few good reasons why nobody likes journalists, and I think most people will be able to sympathize with at least one of them," Yang explained. "You literally work in one of the most hated jobs in the world based purely on the description of your duties, and despite that, you make absolutely no effort to actually improve your occupation's reputation. In fact, you and every other journalist in the world are only making it worse. And the entire fucking time you're doing this, you have the audacity to sit there making anime eyes, wondering why everyone hates you all so much, as if you don't already know exactly the reasons why everyone hates you all so much."
"...Uh, okay," Lisa Lavender stated awkwardly.
"All I'm saying is that I wouldn't piss on you, or any other journalist for that matter, if you were on fire, probably because if our positions were reversed in that scenario, you'd almost certainly stand there and film a story of me as I burned to death rather than actually try to help in any meaningful way."
"...You know, I think I might have to look into a change of occupation," Lisa said tentatively. "Would anyone here happen to have any recommendations?"
"There's a certain thing I'd tell you to learn to do if saying it wouldn't get me perma-banned from literally every major website out there thanks to journalists crying about it because every single one of you is a thin-skinned pussy bitch, so instead I'll just tell you to figure it out yourself," Yang answered.
"Can you all please stop pointing out that my girlfriend is working as one of the bottom-feeders of society, right up there with lawyers and politicians?" Jaune asked.
"Well, as much as I hate to say it, she kind of is," Pyrrha replied.
"Yeah, but there's being right and there's being nice," he pointed out. "Also, I'm surprised that you're actually insulting somebody, Pyrrha. I didn't think you had it in you."
"Did you forget that I'm basically a celebrity?" Pyrrha asked. "I'd wager that I have more reasons to personally dislike the media than just about everybody here, save for maybe Weiss."
"Okay, I guess that makes sense," Jaune conceded. "Anyway, I'm kind of fed up with you all autistically madposting about my girlfriend, so I think me and her are going to go somewhere private for a bit and I'm going to cheer her up the only way I really can."
Lisa perked up at that. "Ooh, aura play?" she asked, hopeful.
"Sure, why not?" Jaune shrugged.
Ruby raised a hand. "What's aura play?" she asked.
"It's where you focus your aura into your cock and it makes it all tingly," Blake said, earning a sideways glance from everyone else. "What? You all know I read smut. Why is this even surprising to all of you?"
"Oh, we're not surprised that you're a pervert," Yang specified. "We're surprised that aura play is even a thing. I didn't think aura could actually do that."
"Nobody knows what aura is actually capable of," Blake pointed out. "Remember during initiation, when Ren used his aura to blow up a King Taijitu's head, and then nobody else ever did anything even remotely similar to that ever again? Because I remember."
"Actually, yeah, what's up with that?" Ren asked. "I kind of forgot I even did that. What's wrong with me?"
"You know, this would be a great story for Lisa to do a segment on," Nora said. "How nobody seems to know how aura actively works and how the rules around how it functions keep changing all the time, for some reason. Of course, that'd require her to actually do something aside from sell out all the time, so it will never happen."
"I don't think she's listening," Jaune pointed out, motioning to Lisa. She was currently leaned up against his chest, drooling on him with her eyes half-closed, murmuring 'Aura play' over and over again while she gently rubbed her hand over his crotch.
Seeing that, Weiss raised an eyebrow. "Geez, what did you do to her?"
"Aura is a game-changer in the bedroom, apparently," Jaune answered. "I still don't get it. I'm partially convinced this is all in her head and she's just faking it."
"Is this what the kids mean when they talk about fake news?" Nora wondered aloud, though nobody had a response for her.
Jaune rose to his feet. "Anyway, I'm gonna go cheer her up now, because you assholes went on yet another lengthy tirade that nobody else gives a fuck about yet again. Congrats, by the way – can't wait to see how many people lost interest in this entire conversation because of that bullshit."
"Bye, Jaune," Yang said. "Have fun fucking your parasite of a girlfriend again."
He didn't even bother to dignify that with a response, both because it wasn't worthy of one and because Lisa was still trying to fiddle with his belt, and it was taking all of his concentration to keep his pants on until they actually made it back to the room.
Life went on for a few days after that, which is to say that the usual stuff happened. Jaune kept up with his new girlfriend, everyone else kept giving him shit for dating her, and he ignored those people. Not much changed.
At least, not much changed until he happened to receive a message out of nowhere just as he woke up.
"Who is it?" Lisa muttered as she sat up in bed next to him.
"Probably nobody," Jaune replied, reaching for his scroll. "Go back to sleep, Lisa."
"But I'm already awake," she protested. "You know I can't fall asleep until you've nutted inside me at least twice."
Well, she did have a point. "Alright, let me just read-"
He paused when he saw the first couple of lines of the message. Lisa frowned, sensing something was wrong. "Jaune?" she asked. "What's going on?"
The way he saw it, he had two options – be completely honest and open about what was happening, or lie through his teeth. However, this was not a bad teen romance comedy, so he chose the more sensible option, painful as it would be.
"It seems that the journalist hatred has now reached critical mass, because my parents are aware that I'm dating you," he reported.
"Oh," Lisa said. "That's bad."
"I'll say. They're on their way to Beacon now to break us up," Jaune answered.
"Also bad. How long do we have?"
"I'd guess-"
There was a knock on the door, and Jaune sighed. "...Until now."
Lisa paled. "What do we do?"
"Simple," Jaune said, stepping out of bed and into his jeans. "We be honest about what this relationship means for both of us, and hope that my parents decide to allow it."
"Or you could just be a man and declare that you're going to keep dating her despite what they think," Nora piped up, causing them both to turn to her in surprise. "What?" she asked. "I've been here the whole time. So has Ren and Pyrrha. We all have to sleep here too, you know. You don't get a new room just because you're fucking somebody, and we're sick of sleeping in RWBY's dorm."
"So you'd rather experience us having sex every night?" Lisa asked, raising an eyebrow.
"No, but given the option of listening to you and Jaune or listening to Blake diddle herself silly every night? I think I know which one I'd prefer. At least when I have to experience you gargling Jaune's balls, I can do it in my own fucking bed instead of on the floor."
"Can we focus on what's happening?" Jaune asked. "My parents are here and I need to convince them not to break us up."
"Dude, quit being a bitch and just tell them straight-out that you're dating human trash and that you don't care because the sex is good," Nora replied. "It's that easy."
"I think I'm going to need a bit more tact than that," Jaune said.
Nora shrugged. "Whatever, bro. Don't say I never tried to help."
With that, she rolled over and went back to sleep. Lisa and Jaune exchanged another look before they continued dressing themselves. There was another knock on the door just as Jaune pulled on a shirt, and he sighed.
"I'm coming, I'm coming..."
He threw the door open, revealing his mother and father standing there, both looking very displeased. Even worse, his father was carrying a shotgun, which made Jaune raise an eyebrow.
"Mom, Dad," he greeted. Motioning to the gun, he said, "I didn't even know we owned a gun."
"It's a family heirloom," his father replied. "Kind of an Arc family tradition, trying to maintain your incredibly unhealthy sexual relationship and then accidentally getting shot in the ass for it."
"I see," Jaune said tentatively.
"Don't worry, honey!" his mom said, holding up a first aid kit. "I've got first aid right here! I'll pick the buckshot out of your asscheeks when you inevitably get blasted by mistake."
"I have aura now," Jaune said.
"Doesn't matter," his father said, shaking his head. "Trust me. No, it doesn't make sense, but it's what's going to happen anyways, so you might as well accept it." He peered past Jaune and into the dorm room. "Where's the girl? Is she the redhead?"
"Which redhead?" Jaune's mother asked. Seeing Nora and Pyrrha trying to sleep deeper in the room, she let out a small, excited squeal. "Ooh, they're both so cute! You did good, Jaune."
"It's neither of the redheads, actually," Jaune deadpanned. He motioned to Lisa. "Mom, Dad, this is my girlfriend, Lisa Lavender."
Lisa tentatively raised a hand. "H-hi, Mister and Missus Arc."
Both Arc parents looked around, confused. "Where did that come from?" his mother asked.
Jaune brought a hand up to pinch the bridge of his nose. "From Lisa, Mom. She's right there."
"Who's Lisa?" his mother asked. "I don't see another person standing there, all I see is a pile of walking fertilizer."
"Really?" Jaune lamented. "We're really going to be this petty about it? Look, I know you hate her for being a journalist, same as the rest of the world, but can't you at least accept that I like her?"
"No," his father answered. "I would literally sooner accept that all of my daughters grew up to be prostitutes than accept that one of them was dating a journalist."
"That's a little extreme, don't you think?" Jaune asked.
"Nope."
"Can you at least give her a chance?" Jaune pleaded. "Seriously, you guys weren't this mad when June came home with her first boyfriend, and that guy ended up being a drug dealer." His mother went to say something, but he cut her off. "Yes, yes, I know – better a drug dealer than a journalist. But come on, really? Can't you just be happy for me just this once?"
"Jaune, sweetie," his mother said, "we only want what's best for you."
"Well, I've got news for you: Lisa is what's best for me," Jaune declared. "Sure, she's old enough to be my mom. Sure, she's not a Huntress, meaning she's somewhat squishy compared to the rest of us. Sure, she's really only dating me because the sex is just that good for her. But you know what? I'm satisfied right now. Journalist or not, she works for me, and I'm planning to keep dating her no matter what you all say. So you and everyone else can just stop being fucking autistic about the whole journalist thing already, because it doesn't matter to me."
His parents exchanged a look before his dad glanced back at him and cleared his throat. "Wow, son," he said. "You know, that statement really speaks to me."
"Really?" Jaune said, surprised. "What does it say?"
"It says now, I'm gonna kick your butt twice as hard."
"Hold the fucking phone!" Lisa declared. "Nobody gets Jaune's butt except for me!"
"That doesn't even make sense," Jaune deadpanned.
"Jaune, sweetie, the adults are talking," his mom said gently, causing him to sigh. She turned her attention back to Lisa, and naturally, all the sweetness left her voice, replaced with malice. "Oh, you think you've got a leg to stand on here, you teenager-corrupting Nondescript Winter Holiday cake? Typical career woman – the egg carton's just about empty so you've decided to shack up with someone who doesn't know any better."
"Alright, that's just uncalled for," Jaune interrupted, only for everyone else to shush him. He let out another sigh, then crossed his arms as they went back to arguing.
"I take offense to that statement!" Lisa said. "I'm not even forty yet. My eggs are still as ripe as ever."
"Oh, yeah?" Mama Arc fired back. "Well, eggs or not, what's stopping us from filing statutory rape charges?"
"I'm legally an adult," Jaune couldn't help but interject, though it naturally ended with everyone shushing him again. Frustrated, he threw his hands up.
"Honestly, son," his dad said. "I'm not sure what drew you to her in the first place. You have so many better options."
"I won't disagree," Jaune answered. "Yes, there are women out there closer to my age. Yes, there are women out there who are prettier, or in better shape, or who have better personalities, or who aren't in a job field populated entirely by scumbags. But Lisa has something they don't."
"And what would that be?" Mama Arc questioned.
"This." He turned to Lisa. "Drop 'em."
And just like that, she was down to her underwear with zero complaints. His parents just watched, speechless, as Lisa suddenly cuddled up to Jaune and began to run her tongue up and down the side of his face. He stared at them impassively as they watched, though his stoic expression did begin to show a little mirth when Lisa began to basically dry-hump him.
"Son..." his dad began. "...What am I looking at?"
"The results of really good sex," Jaune said. "Honestly, I didn't even ask her to do any of this. She's just so utterly dedicated to the sex that she'll do anything to try and make me happy, even stuff that's blatantly insane and weird like this."
"This can't be healthy," his mother said.
"I mean, she's currently in her underwear, grinding against me while my parents are in the room and my dad is holding a shotgun. At this point, I think health has gone out the window in favor of horny." Jaune rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "Talk about unintended consequences. I didn't think the Arc cock was this potent."
"You have seven sisters, dear," his mom reminded him. "I think it's safe to say that it's very potent."
"Okay, I did not need to hear that from you." He shuddered. "Wait a minute, if it's so potent, why aren't you as bad as Lisa about it?"
"Because you get used to it after awhile," Mama Arc answered. "Seriously, even heroin addicts start to develop a resistance to their drug of choice after some time. The Arc family penis is the same as any other drug."
"So you're saying this won't last forever?" Jaune asked. "Because I'm honestly getting kind of sick of this. Feels almost like I'm just being used for my body."
Lisa reached for his zipper, and he batted her hand away gently. She pouted, then went back to sucking on his ear while rubbing herself through her panties.
"You're both taking this rather well, by the way," he commented. "I thought seeing my girlfriend reduced to this state would be taken as a sign that you needed to get me out of here ASAP."
"Then why did you bother to show us this side of her?" His dad asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Honestly, I figured you were going to force us apart no matter what, so I decided I could at least assert my dominance one last time before I did. Though I obviously kind of regret it now, because she's worse than she usually is," he commented.
"You should get a shock collar for her," Nora of all people said from across the room.
Mama Arc perked up immediately. "Excellent suggestion!"
"Why is that?" Jaune questioned. "Actually, don't answer that – I know you just want to see a journalist ride the lightning. It doesn't matter anyway, because it's not going to happen." He shook his head. "Look, the point is, I don't really care what you guys say. I'm staying together with Lisa and that's that."
His parents exchanged a glance before his dad shrugged. "Alrighty, then," he said.
Jaune blinked. "...Just like that?"
"Sure." Another shrug. "I mean, we kind of figured we wouldn't be able to convince you. Kind of an Arc family tradition, where the parents try to get their heir to break up with someone who they don't think is any good for him, only for him to refuse to stop seeing her."
"Is that really a tradition?" Jaune asked. "This is the first I'm hearing of it."
"Oh, yes," his mom answered. "It happened to your father and I, and your grandparents before us, and your great-grandparents before them, and-"
"Okay, I think you've made your point," Jaune interrupted. "So, I'm good to keep seeing Lisa?"
"I suppose," his dad said. "Though, just so we're clear, when she comes over for the holidays, we're lying to everyone who asks and saying she works as a janitor for a living."
"Fair enough," Jaune said. "Thanks, guys."
"Don't mention it, sweetie," his mom said. "Now then, I think you've got someone to take care of."
She motioned down towards the ground, where Lisa was dry-humping Jaune's leg. He let out a sigh. "Yeah, I suppose I have to. Do you guys mind? We can catch up later."
"Not at all, dear," his mother said sweetly. "Just do me a favor and give her a few extra spankings courtesy of us, would you?"
"Uh, sure," Jaune said. At this point, he was willing to agree to anything so long as it made his parents leave the room.
Thankfully, that did it. His parents waved goodbye, shutting the door behind them as they left. Jaune breathed a sigh of relief that lasted for all of five seconds before a shotgun blast made him almost jump out of his skin.
"Ow, my ass!" he heard his father call. "Juniper, why?!"
"Sorry, honey!" his mother called back. "It just went off!"
"Damn Arc family traditions! I guess you really can't escape any of them, after all!"
"No," Jaune remarked to himself as Lisa finally succeeded in getting his belt off using nothing but her mouth. "No, you cannot."
Here it is, what I assume will most likely be one of the more contentious chapters in the entire fic. I have no idea why I think that, but for some reason I just do. Don't say I didn't warn any of you ahead of time that this one was fucking autistic.
Anyway, I won't harp on it for too long. I was sort of at a complete loss for what to do with Lisa because she isn't much of a character, and I didn't want to just copy Mallobaude again, so instead I decided to do a chapter where the main punchline is that everyone hates her for being a journalist. I think it turned out alright, but Lisa was fucking hard to work with, I'll say that much. I will almost certainly not revisit her a second time specifically because I had such a tough time with this chapter in particular. Again, I wasn't even planning to do a chapter on her in the first place, but you guys convinced me to at least try, so here you go. And that's about what I've got to say about that.
On the bright side, I'm much more excited about the next chapter, because I'll be trying something new. Chapter 42 will be the first of what I'm going to refer to as Wild Card chapters, which are chapters based on some weird-ass characters that aren't canon at all. I'm doing a very poor job of explaining what that means, so for the second time, I'll go ahead and reveal who the next chapter is on ahead of time: Bleiss Schnee. I'd like to eventually get around to doing altered versions of all of Team RWBY, plus a few other Wild Cards I can think of, and no, they won't all be altered versions of every single RWBY character, because that'd be crazy. I will be doing that for the main four girls, but they'll be the only ones getting the Alter treatment. As for what else I have in store, well, you'll just have to see.
These chapters will be spaced apart and released sporadically, same as the R63 chapters, though I doubt there will be that many of them compared to the R63 characters. Wild Cards are basically reserved for pairing Jaune up with either the fandom's alternate take on a character such as Bleiss, or for some other things I'll keep close to my chest at the moment.
Anyway, hopefully you guys like the next chapter, I'm looking forward to it.
Next update: Saturday, May 29.