A/N: I apologize for the lengthy delay between updates, I assure you I haven't forgotten about this story, and have every intention of seeing it through to it's conclusion. I figure there will be maybe one more chapter after this one, then an epilogue to follow. Earlier this month marked the one year anniversary of when I first started this journey, and I thank all of you for coming along for the ride.
Disclaimer: SVU and all of its characters were created by and are the property of Dick Wolf. I make no profit with this story, which is my own original work.
Monday morning wasn't shaping up to be as perfect as Olivia had imagined her first day back to work to turn out. To start off with, both she and Elliot had overslept, causing their previously planned routine to be one that was much more chaotic. Instead of a leisurely pace, their shared shower was rushed, leaving no time to make coffee, let alone eat breakfast. With minutes to spare, Elliot pulled into the precinct lot in the nick of time and the partners made it to their desks just before Cragen could check his watch. Even so, it appeared they had not escaped some teasing from their superior officer.
"I'm so pleased that the two of you remembered that you are, in fact, employed here. Glad to see you could join us today."
Olivia opened her mouth to speak, an apology already formulating in her mind when the Captain raised his hand to stop her.
"I'm only kidding, Olivia. It's great to have you back. You too, Elliot."
Before either of them could get too comfortable, Cragen informed Olivia that she was scheduled within the hour to not only meet with Huang, but also to complete her firearms re-certification. It wasn't a major concern, merely a formality because her right arm had been immobilized in the sling for a length of time. Likewise, Elliot was notified that he, too, would need to check in with the department psychiatrist as well. Not only was this a common procedure for any officer – and their partner – following an injury such as the one Olivia had sustained, but it was the beginning of the necessary requirements the couple must adhere to in order to continue working together.
Thankfully for the still groggy detectives, there was plenty of time for them to grab a cup of coffee, one that fortunately had not been made by Munch. On the table where the thermal carafe sat waiting, Elliot spotted a few boxes of donuts, in addition to other pastries. He hoped he could coax Olivia to eat something, since he hadn't been able to make her anything back at the apartment before they'd left.
Side by side, the pair prepared their mugs in tandem, with Olivia passing Elliot the milk, only to exchange it for the packet of sweetener he had ready for her. Moments later, Olivia was ready to take her dose of caffeine back to her desk when Elliot's voice stopped her in her tracks.
"Are you going to eat anything, Liv? I know you probably wouldn't want a donut, but I see there are a few muffins here. Do you want me to grab you one?"
To Elliot's surprise, Olivia didn't argue, but merely nodded her agreement as she walked away. Not wanting to push the issue further, he quickly grabbed a blueberry muffin for her and a glazed donut for himself, then hurried after her. Taking his familiar seat at the desk across from her, he logged into his computer for the first time in weeks.
A few feet away, Olivia had not only done the same, but she was already one step ahead. She'd begun the daunting task of going through the mail in her overflowing inbox. Elliot knew her next step would be to tackle the backlog of emails. As he reached for his own stack of mail, the soothing sound of envelopes ripping and paper rustling was all he focused on. Everything seemed to be going fine until a soft gasp audible to his ears alone caught his attention.
"Liv, what is it? Is something wrong?"
While it was anything but a barrage of questions, Elliot couldn't help but berate himself for inundating his partner with too much, too soon. It was clear from the expression on her face that she was shocked by whatever she'd just read. Her eyes were glued to the handwritten scrawl on the paper in front of her, and there was an imperceptible tremble in her hands.
"It's from Andrew. Andrew Parker."
Elliot had been enjoying a bite of his donut, but the instant that name left Olivia's lips, the taste soured in his mouth and his stomach churned. While he knew he'd never forget it, he had hoped it would be a long time before he'd ever have to hear it spoken out loud again. Logically, he knew that Andrew Parker had been emotionally disturbed, and had not deliberately set out to harm anyone other than himself that day. But he simply couldn't reconcile the fact that Olivia had been hurt as a result of that standoff. Still, he supported her compassion and empathy for the man, even if he didn't necessarily share it.
"Is everything all right? What does he want?"
"Even though we've met once already to talk, it was part of his treatment to reach out to those who were involved that day. His psychiatrist had recommended that he write letters. He's not seeking absolution or attempting to justify anything, merely trying to explain his side."
Elliot absorbed that information quietly for a few moments. If that was all there was to it, he didn't understand why Olivia was so upset. Something deeper had to be going on. Instead of pressing the issue, he simply waited for her to tell him.
"This was mailed last week, and I never responded. He probably thinks I don't care, and that everything I've ever told him was a lie. I can't be the reason he has a setback in his treatment."
Now, it all made sense. Olivia was feeling guilty. The connection she felt with Parker was surfacing again, and Elliot knew without a doubt that if anything happened to the man, Olivia would hold herself responsible – even if she weren't at fault.
"Why don't you mention it to Huang when you talk to him later? Maybe he can pull a few strings, or make a phone call to the facility where Parker is being held. I doubt that you'll be able to talk to Andrew directly, but they should be able to get a message to him. At least until you can answer the letter."
Relief washed over Olivia's features. For a moment, she'd been so distraught at the possibility that Andrew might think she had betrayed him, that the idea hadn't even occurred to her. Looking at Elliot with an expression filled with gratitude, Olivia reached for her phone. She was going to do something even better. She was going to call George now, so that by the time her appointment rolled around, she might have some answers.
Despite the earlier distractions and her concerns for Andrew Parker, Olivia arrived at her firearms re-certification fully focused and ready to tackle the task at hand. Having already aced the written part of the exam a few moments earlier, it was time for the skills drill. Olivia stepped into the stall at the firing range and readied her weapon. Several feet in front of her, a target waited.
"Whenever you're ready, Detective."
A voice over the audio system called to her, and Olivia reached out to grab the protective ear covering and place it on her head. Adjusting her stance, she steadied her position and took careful aim. Firing off multiple shots in succession, she didn't stop squeezing the trigger until her clip was empty. When she was finished, she lowered her arms, the muzzle of her gun still smoking slightly.
There was a brief break in action, allowing Olivia some time to reload while a second target was set up. Then the same process was repeated. Olivia couldn't help but think that the most frustrating part of this re-certification was that she wasn't allowed to see her grouping on the targets after she was finished firing. No, those results were to be collected by the instructor and she'd get simply find out whether or not she passed after the fact. She wasn't worried though. Though the pain from her fractured collarbone had been considerable, her dominant hand had not been affected. She'd never had any issues with grip, and it seemed that even her range of motion was still intact. Like the Captain had said this morning, this was merely a formality.
"Well done, Detective, and congratulations! Consider yourself re-certified. Excellent grouping today."
"Thank you."
Olivia shook the instructors hand, then left the range. Her next stop was the office of George Huang, but since she had a few minutes to spare before her appointment with the psychiatrist, she stopped off in a quiet corner of the hallway to make a phone call. There, she double checked that her first physical therapy session was still scheduled for that evening. Now that she'd come so close to getting back into the field, she didn't want anything to cause another delay.
A short time later, Olivia was making herself comfortable in George's office. She was grateful that he had suggested they use the more informal seating as opposed to facing one another from across his desk. While she definitely considered George a friend, seeing him in this setting could often be intimidating. Olivia's anxiety was already amplified with the knowledge that her career - and potentially Elliot's as well – could be impacted by whatever answers she gave here today.
"Okay, Olivia. Before we get started, I wanted to let you know that I spoke with Andrew Parker's doctor. While I can't divulge anything about his treatment, I can tell you that we've passed along your message, and he understands why you were unable to respond to his letter before today."
Olivia sigh of relief was an audible one. While it was true that she was still concerned about Andrew Parker's well being, and how his treatment was progressing, she fully understood about the privacy rules and didn't expect to be given any privileged information.
"Thank you for your help, George. I'll compose a reply once I'm back at my desk. After all, no matter what happens at this appointment, I'm still not allowed back in the field until I finish physical therapy."
They spent the next few minutes discussing Olivia's frustrations involving the final steps of her recovery, even though she wasn't required to attend many physical therapy sessions. Eventually, they segued into the topic of how it felt being back on the job after having suffered a line of duty injury.
"I've always known that a certain amount of risk exists every time I leave the precinct. Maybe not as much now as when I was on patrol, but it's still a definite possibility. I knew what I was signing on for when I took the oath. I don't blame anyone for what happened to me."
Having known Olivia for as long as he had, George Huang didn't doubt that she was telling the truth. This certainly wasn't her first injury, and while he desperately hoped otherwise, it was doubtful it would be her last. Nothing was going to make this woman surrender her badge, she was far too dedicated to the fight for justice.
Last but not least, they came the questions that the psychiatrist himself was most uncomfortable asking. Not to mention questions he knew the detective would be reluctant to answer. But given the recent disclosure from Olivia and Elliot, they were just as necessary as the previous ones.
"Now, Olivia, if you could tell me how things are going between you and Elliot. Also, do you anticipate any conflict working together now that you are more than partners?"
Olivia sat in silence for several minutes, not in an act of defiance, but more to contemplate her response. While she normally kept things close to the vest, the truth was that there were a few things she was worried about. The only thing was, she had already discussed the issue with the person who mattered most – Elliot. Still, she knew she had to say something, especially because their future as partners depended upon her honesty.
"I guess I could say the thing that worries me the most is that Elliot is going to be more protective than usual."
Before George could prompt more of an explanation, the brunette continued on her own, afraid of being misunderstood.
"Not that he's ever treated me as anything less than an equal, or even once implied that I'm unable to do this job because I'm a woman. Elliot has always been in my corner in that regard."
"Then what is it, Olivia?"
Olivia went silent for another few seconds, trying to think of the best way to phrase things.
"Deep down, I think there is a part of Elliot that blames himself for my having been hurt. Even though logically he knows he's not responsible. He's always been protective of me in a way that went above and beyond the job, and I think that is just going to increase now. He's told me to feel free to call him out on it, though."
Despite the seriousness of the topic, George couldn't hide his smile. He didn't have any doubt that Olivia would be able to do exactly that if the situation called for it.
"Do you see it posing a problem with your working relationship?"
"No. If anything, I think we'll work together even better now. We've always had an unspoken shorthand between us, and I believe that is only going to grow stronger."
There were only a few more perfunctory questions after that, and Olivia was free to leave. Granted, Elliot still had his session later that day, and then they would need to have a joint appointment, but then they would be in the clear for six months. After saying goodbye to George, Olivia headed back to the squad room, feeling a bit lighter.
By the time Olivia got back to her desk in the squad room, Elliot was nowhere to be seen. Fin was also missing, however, so it was easy to figure out that the two were likely out on a call together. Even so, it was nice for Olivia to see a text from Elliot when she checked her messages informing her of that very thing. Her partner also told her that he'd stop and pick up some lunch for them on his way back to the precinct.
The second message Olivia had missed while in her appointment with George Huang was a voicemail, this one from an unknown number. As she listened to the memo, she learned that the caller was Elliot's divorce attorney, trying to get in touch with her in order to set up a meeting. Though they hadn't had much of an opportunity to discuss things in detail, Olivia had given Elliot her express permission to share her contact information with his lawyer so she could answer any questions the man may have in regard to their relationship. She was willing to do whatever was necessary to ensure Elliot did not lose any visitation with his kids. Committing the number to memory, she promptly called back and arranged a time to meet with the legal representative. Fortunately, their office hours ran late, so she would be able to drop by that evening after her physical therapy session.
Once that was taken care of, Olivia went back to her previous task of getting caught up on emails. While she knew there was no way a backlog would have been acceptable during her absence, she almost wished there were paperwork of some sort to occupy her time, but considering the fact she hadn't been out in the field since the day she was injured, there wasn't much else for her to do. Then again, she was always grateful for the quiet calm at work whenever it happened, and every member of the force – no matter their rank – knew not to use the 'q' word in relation to the lack of activity. Whether it was merely a superstition or the actual equivalent of bringing a curse upon the shift, it just wasn't done.
Two hours later, not long after the clock struck one in the afternoon, a haggard looking Fin and Elliot arrived back at the precinct. Olivia knew without even asking that the victim they had gone to see at the hospital hadn't survived. Because of this, she wasn't surprised or even upset that the previously promised lunch had been forgotten. She was merely concerned for her partner, as well as her friend.
As much as she wanted to hug Elliot, Olivia knew better than anyone that what he needed in this moment was a few minutes to himself. She would let him go to the cribs, give him some time to process, and only then would she go and check on him. What she could do in the meantime, though, was phone an order in to one of his favorite places. That way, once he was ready to come back to his desk, he'd be able to eat.
"Fin, John, do either of you want anything? I'm going to be placing an order for myself and Elliot soon, and I thought I could get you two something, too. While we're at it, we should see if the Captain wants anything."
With a smile of gratitude, Fin gave his order. John quickly followed suit, then offered to check in with Cragen since he was headed into the other man's office anyway. Shortly after, a call had been placed to a local deli, and delivery was scheduled within the next thirty minutes.
Taking advantage of the lag in time, Olivia pushed back in her chair and got to her feet. There was no need to announce where she was headed, everyone already knew. As she made her way to the top of the stairs and stepped closer to the room that doubled as both a locker room and a place to sleep, her ears were carefully attuned for any sounds that would indicate Elliot wasn't ready for her to reveal her presence. Even though she knew he was the only one inside, Olivia still tapped softly on the door with her knuckles before turning the knob and walking inside.
"It's okay, Liv. You can come in."
Despite it all, Olivia couldn't hide the smile that played at her lips.
"How'd you know it was me?"
Still facing away from her, sitting on a bunk with his elbows braced on his knees, head in his hands, Elliot spoke again.
"You're forgetting how many years we've been partners. I know what your footsteps sound like. If that hadn't given you away, the scent of your perfume definitely did. Unless of course, John changed his aftershave and didn't tell anyone."
Joining him on the narrow bed, Olivia sat close enough that their thighs were touching. Reaching for Elliot's hand, she fused their palms together and linked their fingers, but still didn't pressure him to speak. After a few moments of silence, she finally coaxed him gently.
"Want to talk about it?"
Bringing their joined hands up to his lips, Elliot kissed her knuckles.
"Not here. I'll talk to you about it at home later, I promise. I just needed a few minutes. Thanks for giving me some time."
"No problem. If you're ready, we should probably head back down. Lunch will be here soon."
A myriad of emotions washed over Elliot's face as realization dawned.
"Lunch! Liv, I completely forgot! I'm so sorry!"
Bringing her fingers to his mouth to silence him, Olivia shook her head.
"Don't even worry about it for a second. You needed to take care of yourself, that was more important."
Standing, they took advantage of the remaining stolen moments together to steal an embrace before returning downstairs. Though the burden of what he'd witnessed was still heavy on Elliot's shoulders, Olivia's innate understanding had lightened the load considerably. He was so grateful to have her in his life.
Thankfully, the remainder of the afternoon had passed without incident. Although Olivia had offered to help, Elliot had insisted on completing his own paperwork, and was just adding the finishing touches when Cragen gave them the all clear to head home. As much as she would have appreciated Elliot's support tonight, Olivia still inherently understood the toll the earlier case had taken on him, and wasn't going to ask that he accompany her. Instead, she suggested that he head home, insisting that she would rely on a cab to get to and from her destinations.
"Liv, are you sure? I don't want to let you down."
"I'm positive. You've been there for me from the beginning through everything else, physical therapy is just going to be putting me through the paces of some stretches and exercises. I can manage."
They were having the conversation in the privacy on the locker rooms, where Olivia had gone to change prior to leaving for the day. While she didn't expect her exercises at physical therapy to be strenuous, she did prefer to be wearing more comfortable attire than what she had dressed in earlier that morning. Now that she had donned a pair of leggings, tee shirt, and the gray zip front hoodie that she and Elliot seemed to perpetually pass back and forth between them, Olivia was ready for whatever the next part of her day would bring. Catching sight of the wary expression on her partner's face, she didn't pass up the opportunity to drive home her prior directive.
"El? I mean it – go home and rest. I'll be fine."
Temporarily mollified, but still not willing to give up having the last word, it was Elliot's turn to insist upon something – that he walk Olivia out of the building and stay with her until she hailed a cab. The brunette rolled her eyes at the conditions, but ultimately agreed to the terms, with her own request that Elliot take home her bag so she wouldn't have to lug it along. Minutes later, they were out on the sidewalk, and even though they both wanted to exchange a kiss by way of parting, they knew they were still within range of the prying eyes of the precinct. Such open displays of affection would have to wait until they were back in the apartment.
"Call me when you're on your way home later, I'll have dinner ready."
Olivia nodded her agreement, then slid into the backseat of the cab that had pulled up to the curb. With a warm smile, Elliot closed the door behind her, slung her bag over his shoulder, then shoved his hands in his pockets as he walked around the exterior of the building to the lot to collect his car. He used the short journey to the parking area as a means to try and decompress before getting behind the wheel, knowing for certain that Olivia had been right about his need to go directly home, no matter how much he had wanted to go with her.
Secure in the knowledge that Elliot was at home where he could focus on himself, Olivia was able to devote her full attention to her own needs. Considering this was her first session, this initial appointment would last longer than the others. The therapist would need to not only go over the injury which had brought her here, but conduct a thorough assessment in order to evaluate and prescribe a course of treatment.
It surprised Olivia when she experienced more discomfort that she had anticipated to feel. She wouldn't quite call the sensation pain, as it didn't exactly hurt. It was more like the muscle fatigue she would deal with following an intense workout, or even after spending a night in the cribs on one of the uncomfortable mattresses. She didn't complain, but she didn't stay completely silent, either. If something didn't feel right, she spoke up, as she knew that was the only way this process was going to work.
After the most tests were complete, the physical therapist put Olivia through the paces of some simple exercises. First, she had to work on some stretches using a large elastic band designed to offer resistance. The next step was a device that looked similar to a bicycle, but instead of moving the pedals with your feet, you were supposed to use your hands. This improved the range of motion of the entire shoulder. Following a few other things that were taught to her, Olivia was asked to sit and ice her shoulder and collarbone area for fifteen minutes to reduce the risk of any inflammation. Then she was free to go. Her next appointments were already scheduled, so there was no need to stop at the front desk on her way out.
As she sat getting iced down, Olivia used her free hand to text Elliot. She felt a bit guilty that she hadn't had a chance to tell him about the meeting with his attorney, and didn't want to tell him over the phone. Instead, she simply said she had a few things she had to take care of before she'd be home. She did, however, reassure Elliot that as promised, she would call when she was on her way. Thankfully, Elliot was understanding, and his only comment was that he'd missed having had her by his side when he'd taken a brief nap once getting home from work.
A short time later, Olivia was back in a cab headed to the law offices that housed Elliot's divorce attorney. She was fully prepared that whatever conversation would be had there might be recorded, and confident in the knowledge that she was doing this for the man she loved. Though there was still a small voice in the back of her head that insisted removing herself from the equation was the right thing to do, it was the last things she wanted. Right or wrong, she loved Elliot. She also loved his kids, and would do anything for them. That meant ensuring that the time spent with their father would not be disrupted. If making that happen meant some intrusive questions into her personal life, then she would deal with it.
When Olivia let herself into the apartment that she was gradually getting comfortable calling home ninety minutes later, she was met with the most incredible aroma. Clearly, Elliot had followed through on his earlier promises of making dinner. Following her nose to the kitchen, she found Elliot standing at the stove. Wrapping her arms around his waist from behind, she enveloped him in a careful embrace so that neither of them would get burned by the hot pan he was stirring.
"Miss me?"
Setting the wooden spoon on the nearby counter, Elliot pivoted on his heel to hug Olivia more fully. Pressing his lips to hers, he kissed her intently, something he'd been longing to do ever since the case that had shaken him earlier that day. Even though he'd been taking care of himself as promised, it was only now that Elliot finally felt the weight that he'd been carrying fall off his shoulders and a peace settle in its place. When he pulled back from the kiss, he answered her earlier question.
"Of course! Dinner will be ready in just a minute. How was your therapy?"
Olivia helped herself to a glass of wine, making sure to grab Elliot a second beer from the fridge to take the table while she was at it. As she moved about, she talked openly about how her first session had gone, explaining some of the exercises she had been given. Elliot turned off the flame on the burner, and crossed the room to stand behind her, lightly massaging her shoulder.
"Are you in any pain now?"
"Not really. There was a minor ache earlier as I did some of the stretches, but that was about it."
Pressing a kiss to the back of her neck, Elliot gave Olivia's shoulder a second gentle squeeze.
"Have a seat. I'll bring the food over, then we can eat."
After eating the meal Elliot had prepared, it was Olivia who insisted on cleaning up. He tried to debate the issue, arguing that she should go and rest, but she insisted that she was fine. Several minutes later, she was joining him in the living room, where he was waiting on the couch. Instead of having already tuned the television to something they could watch, Elliot was sitting in silence, his elbows braced on his knees. He was staring into space, and hadn't even heard Olivia approach.
"El? Is everything okay? You want me to give you some time to yourself?"
Turning slightly at the waist to meet her gaze, Elliot shook his head slightly in response to Olivia's question. No, the last thing he wanted right now was time to himself. He'd been sitting alone with his own thoughts enough today. Now, he wanted – no, needed – to talk.
"No, Liv. Sit, please."
Olivia did as was requested of her, but instead of choosing to simply sit beside Elliot, she propped herself up in one corner, with one leg elevated and resting against the back of the couch. Tugging gently on Elliot's shoulders, she encouraged him to recline against her chest, proceeding to wrap her arms around him securely. The result was a mirror position of how he had often held her during her recovery. It was as though Olivia instinctively knew whatever Elliot was about to share, he would need the safety of her embrace to get through it.
"When the twins were little, Kathy often dressed them in similar outfits, even if they weren't exactly matching. Lizzie always hated it, she wanted to be different than her brother. Once, when she was about five years old, she got the bright idea that she would make her clothes unique."
Though she didn't say anything out loud, Olivia couldn't help the smile that was forming on her face. She still wasn't sure where this story was leading, but she wasn't about to rush Elliot along in the telling of it. She would let him go at whatever pace he needed.
"Looking back now, I should have been tipped off when things were quiet for far too long. I found her in her room, with a bunch of markers scattered all around her. To her credit, the damage wasn't that bad – she'd just spent the last hour drawing rainbows on all the tags of her clothes, so we'd know for certain that they were hers."
Elliot went quiet for a few moments, and once again, Olivia just let him be. After a brief break, he went on to explain that while she had been in Oregon, he and Kathy had met up a few times to clean out the attic. A bunch old clothes, toys, and even furniture had been donated.
"Today, when Fin and I were at the hospital, it was for this little girl who was being abused."
Elliot's voice cracked slightly, and Olivia tightened her hold. She knew, even without being told, that the cases involving children affected her partner the most. They always had, even more so now that he wasn't living with his kids full time. Before she could speak any words of comfort though, Elliot continued.
"We were pushed out of the room when she started to crash, and I know the doctor's did everything they could to save her. It's just, when we were given the bags containing her personal effects for evidence, I forgot to breathe."
Elliot swiped his palm down over his face and exhaled a shaky breath.
"I found myself looking at a pair of pajamas that I'd dressed my own daughter in for countless nights before tucking her into bed, and thought it had to be a coincidence. Then, I saw the rainbow on the tag, and I almost lost it right there in the middle of the damn hospital."
Olivia could be silent no longer.
"Elliot, I understand why that hurt you to see, I do. But you have to remember that Lizzie wasn't the one who died today. She's safe, all your children are safe."
Nodding, Elliot tried again to remind himself of that very fact. Truth be told, he was feeling a lot better after having talked about what had been upsetting him all day. This was something he'd never have been able to do before. Olivia not only understood the job on a personal level, but she understood him. The space she had given him had helped immensely, and he loved her even more for it. Shifting ever so slightly, Elliot adjusted so that he could touch his lips to hers. Then they settled back into their comfortable spaces for a quiet night together. As much as Olivia wanted to tell him about her visit with his lawyer, she knew that could wait. He'd had enough to process for the day. All that mattered now was they were wrapped up in each other.