There Is (No) Hope

by BardInTheForest

Shinji Ikari was not a young man that lived an easy life. Each good that the universe teased him with was typically met with a greater evil. Now the only pilot capable of fielding an Evangelion against a series of reborn Angels, he will have to adapt to new allies and new foes. The world has changed, and there is no running away from it anymore.

41. Chapter 41

+++++ Hikawa Shrine, Azabu-Juban, Japan. (Wednesday + 11)

Dinner had been consumed, a semblance of normalcy restored, and now there was the matter of if someone might be allowed to linger on afterwards, and who that someone might be for the evening. Shinji was oblivious to the subtext of the banter between the two women, both had warmed up significantly with the other after discovering that they shared not only similar interests overall, but a similar desire to not see Shinji harmed.

"So, before your entrance," Kyoko made motions towards the end gambits, "I was discussing with Shinji the possibility of he and I coming to a mutually beneficial agreement." She 'ignored' the way his head snapped upright from his examination of the intricacies of the woodgrain in the table. "My hope, though I phrased it differently at the time, was that he and I might be able to relieve each other's stress through physical intimacy. Share ourselves with one another, if for no other reason than to remind one another that there is something worth fighting through this hell for."

Naoko, a woman that would never be correctly labelled as stupid, had surmised as much long before the admission. She knew why Kyoko was pressing Shinji to be intimate, knew that keeping him human to an extent was both a laudable goal and a necessary evil. Unit-01 was growing stronger within him, the beast's volatile emotional nature encouraging Shinji to detach himself completely from the mortal coil. She couldn't allow that to happen. "Is that so?" She feigned ignorance well. "I had kind of hoped to take a slower route to that myself. Enjoy his company for a time, let him become accustomed to mine. Probably the hopeless romantic in me. I can see the reason for the…we'll call it 'accelerated timeline', though. After all, who knows when any of us are going to have that one bad day."

Shinji opened his mouth to say something, but Kyoko spoke first, "Well, I certainly would not wish to speak for you in this, but I see no reason to force him to choose right now, or ever. My intent was to limit any 'adult contact', so to speak, to him alone. There aren't any other men around here that interest me, certainly not enough to risk access to someone as charming as he can be. If you and he reach a similar understanding regarding limitations, well…." She let a warm smile spread as she reached over and laid her hand atop his. "Pragmatism is an essential trait in a leader, and ethically the greatest value derived from sharing with a limited number of others is that he is not left alone to founder when we are otherwise engaged with necessary duties."

"Mmm…and what would we set down as a 'limit', then? What would make us so different from, for example, a blindingly beautiful goddess of hearth and home?"

"We would take precautions to not become pregnant." She put more bait on the hook for Shinji. "We also would not pass him around like some slab of meat. He chooses who he does and does not take to his bed, not us. I know that there is a growing number of women who want his attention, not the least of which are the Sailors. We would ask that he let us know, surreptitiously, when another woman is likely to join our party. Not that it will happen often. He's very unlikely to flit about sticking it in anything that moves, after all."

Did he want to take that step with Kyoko? With Naoko? Sitting at the table were two women that were as different as they were similar, women that he knew for certain men would eagerly fight one another for…but he had meant what he said to Sarah. Those urges really were best to be ignored…even though he caved to Usagi…. If we're supposed to tell people we've…done things with…. Then that meant that the 'normal' thing, based on what Naoko and Kyoko were saying, was that he spoke to Usagi first. She had put a more tangible claim on him, and he owed it to her to be honest that other women were asking to do the same. The fact that it allowed him to escape the situation without having to make a decision was not lost on him, but it was without shame that he slowly stood up, drawing both women's attention. "No."

Naoko felt a spike of fear install itself in her spine, she could see a similar reaction on the only other woman at the table as well. "Sh-Shinji, I don't-"

"If tonight isn't the best night-" Kyoko was not a woman to blithely surrender a cause she believed worth fighting for.

"It…is not my place to say why, but no." He had to get them out of the room before they changed tactics. After he'd stood, he realized that part of his anatomy had begun to agree with Kyoko, and he didn't want to give that particular portion of his body a vote at the moment. "Thank you for dinner, Naoko, it was delicious. Thank you for the company, Kyoko, I appreciate you having listened to me. Good night." Three quick steps brought him to the door, which he held open to cut off any further conversation. If they wouldn't respect his vote, and they wouldn't respect his wishes to not speak with the door open, then they certainly were not going to have any chance of winning his heart.

Surprising everyone, Usagi was waiting outside the room talking jovially with Yukiko. Their conversation interrupted, the former blonde looked at Shinji with unwavering trust and love as his bedroom emptied of women. "Good evening, Shin-Shin. I'd like to talk to you and Yukiko-chan, if you don't mind? Did you need to walk General-san back to her tent?" She paused, then addressed Naoko, "Doctor-san, where do you sleep?"

"In that chair, so far." Yukiko pointed to one of the chairs at the dining room table. "She refused an offer of a tent, stating that she wanted to be present to take care of anything the Silent One might need."

Without warning, a larger antechamber near to the closet that Sarah had claimed for herself to change in formed out of nothing. Furnished with a comfortable bed, a place for clothing to be stored, and a vanity-slash-writing desk combination, it was obvious who it was for. Shinji looked at Naoko with a frown, displeased that someone who had supposedly sworn to serve him for all time hadn't mentioned that she had no place to sleep and disappointed in himself for not thinking to ask.

Naoko looked at her new room, then back to Shinji. "Thank you." Moving to the tip of her toe, she stood tall enough to kiss him on the side of his mouth near the cheek. "I am sorry if I hurt you, or disappointed you."

His frown dissipated to a large degree, the apology for a hurt he hadn't realized he'd been subjected to giving him relief. Bending forward, he brought her into a hug. He couldn't say that he accepted her apology, but he could show that he did. His apology to her in the form of a place of her own, her apology for confusing him and not coming to him with her needs…those were normal. A sudden string of thoughts brought his frown right back, and without letting go of Naoko he stepped back into his room and closed the door leaving the two of them alone.

+++++ Hikawa Shrine, Azabu-Juban, Japan. (Wednesday + 11)

Kyoko, confused by the door being shut, blinked twice before looking back to Yukiko in hopes that she had the answer to her unspoken question.

"It is not my place to say, General. You know that." Yukiko gestured to Usagi. "Did you have a question for Her Majesty?" The unspoken 'Since you're hunting in her forest' was very clearly asserted.

"…I don't believe tonight is the best night to search for those answers." She had clearly misread the situation to some degree, thinking her relationship with Shinji was secure enough that her physical overtures had been understood as interest. She wasn't stung by the denial as a woman, she was more determined than ever to use her femininity to make sure that humanity had a seat at his table one way or another. Bowing politely to Usagi, she dismissed herself, "Good night, Your Majesty."

Usagi was not one to shy away from hard discussions, not anymore. "I have come to speak with him on the matter, General." Gone was the bubbly fountain of joy that had greeted Shinji, replaced with the firm tones of a monarch. "You will have another opportunity. I pray that you do not forget the nature of the beast, next time."

There was a thick weight to the air as Kyoko stood back upright. Usagi Tsukino was one of very few 'non-humans' that she doubted would be able to be killed should it prove necessary. Threats from her carried far greater weight and could not be ignored blithely. "I had believed my understanding of him full enough to make the attempt. I had not anticipated Doctor Akagi's presence, so I attempted to use it as a way to reinforce the potential for normalcy in a…more open relationship."

"Your framing of the relationship was the main flaw," she stated with an eyebrow raised. "He will not choose who enters his bed. Not 'can not', not 'should not', will not. To him the very thought of begging for a woman's attention is painful. To risk losing a friend by enjoying the feel of another body against him is unthinkable. Any woman that joins his…." A sharp frown pulled her lips down. Looking askance at Yukiko, she sought aid for the quandary, "Is 'harem' truly the only word for this type of situation?"

"It is not even the correct word to use to begin with," Kyoko stated with a grunt of irritation. "A harem, traditionally, was the place where a powerful man hid women away from the world to maintain their purity until their time for introduction into society in one way or another came to pass. Blood relations, concubines and servants, those under the age of marriageability, even young boys that were no threat to the women's chastity. Ask yourself, do you honestly believe that he is seeking to hide us away from the world? That even if he sleeps with every woman in this shrine, would he really try to hide them from other men? From the rest of the world? We're warriors. He wants us to stay away from zombies, not penises."

"He is not afraid for our purity, nor is he worried about those of us that would honestly love him, cheating on him. What he is worried about is loving us in return, and us leaving him for 'someone better'." Usagi returned to her consideration of Kyoko. "He has been abandoned by everyone he's ever cared for. He grew up believing that connections with other people were only a route to more pain. When he arrived here, that trend continued to prove true. He would view any woman he joins with as an active risk, not for her infidelity, but because he would prove to not be 'enough' for her."

"That's a risk anyone takes, when they accept someone into their heart. We're not helping him by shielding him from that possibility. Especially if any one of 'us' is expected to limit ourselves wholly to him. It's a terrible precedent to set in not only his mind, but the minds of everyone he influences."

"Then you will not be a part of us." The powerful Sailor suddenly seemed to loom tall in the spacious room. "We will not allow anyone to be a part of his house that is not dedicated to it for all time."

Kyoko was not a woman to be cowed, by anyone. "I am not going to be part of his house for all time, because I am not going to live for all time. I'm perfectly comfortable with limiting myself to him alone for my remaining years on this planet, but your contention doesn't address my point. It's not healthy for someone to mature while being sheltered completely from the risks associated with human relationships. It's not healthy to create an environment where other young men see that and believe it's 'normal'. He's smart enough to see that, and one day he'll hate us for helping him create that environment."

The door to Shinji's bedroom swinging open cut off the conversation, the air in the room shifted immediately to one without any nascent hostility. The man who allowed everyone to exist within his tree had a pensive cast to his typically dour demeanor, holding the door politely for the only other occupant of that room to exit. Naoko walked confidently out, running her fingertips through her hair to straighten it and radiating the ease of a woman who knew her worth and value. "Part of the misunderstanding should be cleared up now, Your Majesty." Stopping near Usagi, and bowing politely, she demonstrated that she also knew who was at the top of the pecking order. Standing back upright, she let her smile convey much of the subtext. "I do not feel I am breaking confidence when I say that he holds you in very high esteem. Please, accept my apology as he did, it is not my intent to…skip steps."

Usagi took a few seconds to measure the woman before her, then stepped in and brought her into a hug. Her whisper went unheard by any but Naoko, who returned the comforting gesture in a more motherly way, "I am glad it was you that bitch saved, and not the woman from this reality. I see in you a chance for good to win out over evil…seize that chance, so that I don't have to seize your lungs in punishment."

"I will not allow that wretched Eva to win, dear." If she was afraid, it didn't show in her bearing or her tone. "Be gentle with him. I may not be strong enough to kill you, but I'm smart enough to find someone who can."

Friendship and camaraderie reigned as Usagi stepped free from the embrace. She could appreciate a woman who spoke to her plain, and could feel Shinji's presence on Naoko enough to know that he wanted her around. Rivalries, even those of the friendly variety, always managed to bring the best out of her. "As always, let me know if he's not being sensible. Until Sarah-chan can come back, you're responsible for making sure he doesn't forget to eat or drink."

"As you say, Your Majesty." Another polite incline of her head in parting, and she walked without another word to her 'room' and slid the curtain closed.

After a short pause while the previously hostile forces considered their next moves, Kyoko turned to face Shinji and smiled wanly. "I apologize, Pilot, for overstepping my bounds. I hope that this incident has not caused you to lose faith in me."

Despite mental warnings not to, Shinji reached out and clasped his hand around her hand that carried a ring. He shook his head, negating the idea that she was no longer welcomed around him, and then inclined his head in a wish for her to be safe until they spoke again. It was clear communication, and he knew it might have ramifications. But his intent, the desires of his spirit and mind, were pure. Without words to confound and compound the meanings, he had to hope that was enough. Letting go of her hand, he stood back and out of the way of the door. Usagi wanted to talk to him and Yukiko, and that was what would be done.

She'd parlayed her bets well enough to recover any losses, and Kyoko took what she'd been given and walked quietly out of the tree and into the cold night air. It wasn't until she was back in her own tent that she allowed anger to show on her face. Her strategy had been perfect, for Shinji alone. She hadn't been able to come up with a resolution involving Naoko Akagi that hadn't involved a bickering fight that would have ruined everything anyway. The woman was brilliant, and the night a complete wash.

Back inside the tree, while Usagi and Yukiko moved into Shinji's room, Naoko lay on her new bed staring up at the ceiling. What she had just learned…would have to be handled with extreme care.

+++++ Hikawa Shrine, Azabu-Juban, Japan. (Wednesday + 11)

Yukiko toddled over to the table and scooped up the dishes from Shinji's meal, stacking everything neatly and disappearing for the briefest instant before returning to the room exactly where she'd left it, but without anything in her hands. "I'll wash those up after we're done talking. If anyone wants anything while we're in here, please do ask. I can go find it far easier than ძვირფასი, and I can do so without burning the energy I just gained by eating my meal like a good little boy." She pinched his cheek with the final statement, a fond and teasing grin on her lips.

"That word," Shinji managed to get out after gently freeing his face, "that's the third time you've used it. I…don't recognize it."

"It's a term of affection." Usagi took the seat that had been vacated by Naoko, urging Shinji to sit down near her. "Yuki-chan thinks that you are worthy of affection, and is trying to find the right way to show it without creating a bond that you might not want."

Taking the seat she had requested he use, Shinji tried to find the right question to ask. It had been a night for odd encounters, a night that he'd once again tried to use to learn something, anything, of his human side. "…I don't know that I can respond to that, not before I speak to you Usagi."

"Which is why she and I needed to talk to you." Lacing her hands around his left hand, the arm holding the band she'd given him, she leaned in and gave him a smile that radiated with trust and love. "Because I want her to hear from my own mouth what I'm going to say, to try and build trust with both of you. But I need you to listen, ok? No interrupting me."

"He won't," Yukiko sat down on the shoulder she preferred, "because I'll kick him if he does." Her stern words were a stark contrast to her actions, stroking his hair and giving him a smile equal to that of Usagi.

Shinji's anxiety made a push for supremacy, owing to the knowledge that any conversation that started with this amount of preamble would not likely be one he enjoyed. The soothing aura of two women that trusted him explicitly, however, made it hard for that part of his psyche to gain dominance. Not trusting his own voice, he chose instead to nod and allow what would happen to happen.

"Last night, you remember how I said that you were who Endymion would have been in your world?" She waited for him to nod again. "How I said that I was fortunate that you came, because that meant instead of being stuck with a traitor, a liar, and a thief…I had you?" Another nod. "And how I promised that I would do, and be, whatever you needed me to do, or be?" Nod. "In our…excitement, I did forget to make certain that you understood something. Which is why I'm here, keeping my promise."

"Of her own free will, unprompted by any," Yukiko added.

"I…have become part succubus." Usagi visibly braced for rejection as she powered on. "I might have…unconsciously…urged you to…let me…you know…."

"Who did this to you? Can we fix it?" Shinji looked quickly to Yukiko, assuming she'd have answers to offer. "Is it going to harm her? Will she be safe around others? I remember that-" His mouth was silenced by the rider on his shoulder grabbing his tongue with her fingernails.

"No interruptions." The playful pout about her lips held a hint of disappointment, but mostly pride in him. "It's listening time now. You do a lot of talking, but you need to engage the other portion of communication from time to time too." Releasing his tongue and lifting his jaw shut, she looked back to Usagi. "Please continue."

Usagi took a deep breath, slowly letting it out and reordering her thoughts. "You understand what I said just now? That I might have-"

Grabbing Yukiko's hand as she went to stop him from speaking, Shinji glared at the small woman while speaking to Usagi. "I let you do what you did of my own volition, Usagi. I told you I would not lie to you, that I would not keep anything from you. If I felt that you hurt me, I would say as much." His next question was directed at Yukiko, "Stop distracting us from dealing with the important matters, can we fix her?"

"…There's nothing to fix." The small woman twisted her arm, turning his grip into a shared holding of hands. "She is in no more danger now than she was before. You know well enough that she was supernaturally beautiful, and you also know what humans are prone to doing around people that look as she did. Her hair darkening, her skin paling, all of these physical alterations are a part of her seizing the chance presented to her to accrue enough power to save what she can of the domain she swore to protect. She chose her path, as you have."

It was evident that he didn't like that answer, but his voice became gentle as he returned to speaking with Usagi, "Are…you certain? These changes didn't force you into-" Pain, honest and deep, launched itself up his arm as the black-haired Sailor tightened her clasping of his hand in a death grip.

"I chose to suck on you, and I quote, 'of my own volition'. I have, would, and will never do the same to anyone but you. Make certain to engrave this in your heart, My Prince, I am yours and yours alone until the end." Relaxing her hold on him, she raised her eyebrow, her hurt obvious.

"S-sorry." He blushed, looking down. He felt he was right to be afraid that she had felt compelled to do what she'd done, her new physique creating some form of demand. But he often thought he was 'right' when he made mistakes.

"Child…." Yukiko's remonstration held a hint of danger.

"Yes, yes I know," Usagi replied waspishly. "I think I have the right to be angry that the man I love thinks that I only love him because I've partially fused with The First Woman." Massaging away the pain she'd caused, she grumbled a bit before continuing on, "You're not completely wrong. The reason I was so listless, so 'empty', was because part of me can only ever be sated by intimacy anymore. I can eat all the food in the world, but I'll still be 'hungry'. I…needed affection. I needed someone to feed me their affection. I…I came to the only person I would ever think of asking to help me. I didn't tell you everything," her voice grew small, afraid, "because I didn't want you to think I was only doing it to stop the pain."

The admission began to process through his mind, arguments pulling and twisting the words to fit it through the calculus it needed to traverse. Usagi was now partially succubus. Usagi needed nourishment. That nourishment had specialized requirements. Would he trust anyone else to not take advantage of those requirements? Was this a sacrifice on his part, or a blessing for him? Both? Neither? He…liked what she did. It was scary, but he liked it. If she needed him to…submit seemed the wrong word to use, but it was the only word he could find, was it such an onerous burden? Were they…. He swallowed hard. "Are…we…uhm, dating?"

"I would marry you this very moment, if I thought you knew what you wanted." Her lips curled into a self-deprecating smirk. She knew his thoughts, heard what he was thinking as clearly as he did. She hated that he hated himself for enjoying what she'd done. Hated that she might taint anything in the future by offering him a chance to reciprocate, making it seem like a 'trade' instead of a 'gift' in either direction. "I meant it when I swore that I would do, or be, whatever you wanted. But you have to understand, Shinji, I'm not the only woman who feels this way." Her eyes flicked meaningfully up to Yukiko.

"Child, I-" It was the small lady's turn to be pulled up short, Usagi's right index finger pointed unerringly between her eyes.

"I am not going to sit here and be in possession of knowledge that will help him make the best possible decisions for himself and remain silent. I did not tell him about him being Endymion earlier because I wanted to be absolutely certain it was true before I did. Knowledge like that can prejudice him irreparably, and if it was only possibly true then it was no better than a lie. Now I know you experience time far differently than we do, and I know that you have no small amount of affection for him. I…I know that it is possibly as great as my own. If you are going to 'ride herd' as you put it over my affairs, I'm damn well going to 'ride herd' over your own. I, just as much as you, am a part of his life forever."

Shinji reached up with the hand not holding Yukiko's and pulled Usagi's finger back down towards the table. A thin thread of disappointment wove into the tone of someone trying to keep the peace, "That wasn't very nice. You shouldn't go around telling people how other people feel. They may have a reason they aren't saying anything." His thoughts were evident in his eyes as he formulated his next question carefully. "Since…since I'm the only one…doesn't that mean that my choice is already made?"

"No." Usagi shook her head vehemently. "No, no, no, and no." Holding onto his thumb, and wrapping her fingers around his wrist, she begged for him to understand her. "I made the choice to accept this burden because I cannot stand back and let everything fall apart without doing whatever I can to help. Lilith was the only source of power that I could find, she told me where to find it, and told me the costs before I did. I meant what I said earlier this morning. Nothing has changed. You and I are as we were, and will continue to be and become what we will be and become as we become it. Do not despoil what I feel with pity, and do not hand me a cheap victory because I managed to give you 'head' first. You didn't allow Kyoko to do that tonight, and you shouldn't allow anyone else to do so either. Do what you want, not what others want you to do."

His eyes closed, his head tipped forward, and he remembered just how fucking tired he was. For a brief, shining, moment he believed that the decision had been made for him. A decision that would stop all the other decisions from having to be made. That he had his new course, heading, and bearing. Now here he sat, more questions than answers. "Then I want to sleep." His anger began to boil over, everything becoming too much for him. "I…will probably see you tomorrow. Or later today…whatever time it is." He'd apologize later, for now he wanted to just shut down.

Without malice, she let go of his hand and stood silently. She hadn't expected a reprise of the previous evening's joy, and felt she shouldn't be disappointed that what she believed would happen had come to pass. "I love you. Nothing will change that." Turning around, she walked out of the room. She'd done what she said she would. She didn't expect him to reply.

Yukiko had taken note that Shinji had yet to release her hand. She sat quietly as the door opened, quietly as the door closed, and quietly as the man she sat upon quietly begged her for the strength to not give in to anger. Shinji Ikari was warring with people he could not see, could not speak to, could not reason with, for control over the utilization of a power far greater than any other in their reality. After a few moments of remaining still, she asked just as quietly, "Would you like to hold me while you sleep? So that you're not alone?" His head jerked down twice in a brusque nod. "Ok then. Let's go lay down. If you want, I can sing you to sleep? It may be immodest, but I think I have a good singing voice."

+++++ Hikawa Shrine, Azabu-Juban, Japan. (Thursday + 12)

Naoko woke early, her need for sleep seemingly diminishing by the day. The sun had yet to even begin to crest the horizon, the ground outside cold and damp with condensation, and the previous night playing back repeatedly through her mind. There were serious dangers about. Ways in which a young man with far greater power than his father could ever hope to summon might destroy everything. A young man with the emotional balance of a hurricane full of cats in wet sacks…had shown her that anger was not the only portion of the emotional spectrum he had available. She would do as he asked, however, and not speak of it to anyone.

The soft whisper of practiced stealth preceded a quiet greeting, "Good morning, Akagi-sensei. I believe it might not be terribly inappropriate to ask if this might not be the best morning to speak with Shinji about something." Rei Hino stood, wrapped parcel containing ingredients in hand, politely cautious without being guarded about the response she might receive. "From the way Usagi-chan returned to my room crying, I wouldn't want to step wrong this morning and ruin everything."

"Mmm…." Naoko sighed, then shook her head. "Would you mind sitting down for a cup of tea, dear? I can feel through that ring what he thinks of you. What he won't ever put into words. I can't share either, but I can ask some questions to help you find your answer."

"I will stand and prepare his breakfast." Rei knew what she'd been offered. "But I'll gladly drink tea while doing so."

Crossing through the entry hall, greeting the guards within, the pair solemnly genuflected towards the shrine he'd set up for Ritsuko Akagi. Beyond the societal tendency towards showing honor to the dead, there was an almost primal compulsion to project a desire for peace towards her corpse. A few doors later, Rei began preparing the meal she'd intended to share with Shinji while Naoko began preparing the tea she needed to share with Rei.

"Would you prefer to wait for the tea, or should I begin asking now?" Naoko had procured an electric kettle, and was busily making sure that it was properly set up before glancing over to see how her question landed.

"I see no reason to waste time." Her curiosity had been piqued, her wariness tempering her tone.

"Are you aware of the number of women that want to…." The young woman near her ought to have already had someone speak to her about the birds and the bees, but the maternal side of her still hesitated to address the topic with someone not yet of the age of majority.

"Oh yes," Rei snorted out, "that's part of why I wanted to talk to him this morning. I wanted to let him know that I support him in holding off on all of this for a while. That just rushing into intimacy with the first woman to walk past is likely a path to disaster. That his focus on saving lives over spawning children is well placed."

The touch of hesitation at the end, where it seemed the miko wanted to add more, informed Naoko's desire to pressure her to keep saying the 'right' things. "But…."

Brisk motions worked the kitchen knife along the length of the tofu, slicing it thin to ensure it was prepared the way she preferred it. Rei's mind was performing the same motions with her thought, wondering how much she could trust the woman behind her. "But at the same time I want to get him to understand that living is not purely a function of biological processes. That if he can't express his emotions, how he feels about everything, that all he's doing is making an already bad situation worse by allowing everything to marinate in terrible."

Naoko read the subtext cleanly, and was inwardly grateful that there were still some sane women around. "He likes you, you know?"

"I do." She wasn't blind, nor stupid. "I'm becoming fond of him myself. Problem is, I'm not the only person that's fond of him. Giving him one more woman to 'worry' over is not going to help him."

"And if you could resolve the problem by…let's say, limiting, the number of women?"

Pausing in her preparations, Rei glanced over her shoulder to frown towards Naoko. "What are you saying?"

"I'm saying…that I believe if we picked the right mixture of women, to use my preferred hobby of chemistry with my metaphors here, we'd arrive at a very palatable solution." She held up a finger in caution. "But, and this is important, the women chosen would have to be fiercely loyal to him and each other. There are very hard times coming up, and I agree with you that the last thing he needs is for this drama to continue. His heart is going to begin to harden against everything if it does. That's a recipe for disaster."

Rei chuckled, then went back to her meal. "You're not the only woman to think that."

"I do not intend to promote having women like Hera or Inari around him," Naoko said, aiming to soothe over what she believed to be a misunderstanding. "This isn't some offshoot of their 'breeding plan'. I want women that don't need him to complete themselves, that have the fire and drive to succeed with him, not because of him."

"No, no." She waved airily. "I mean it's funny that I was already going to recommend something like that. But I was going to recommend it later, because I doubted he would want to hear it today. Minako-chan thinks that a small group of women could do something similar to what you thought they could, try to create a 'family' that would actively keep anyone else from hurting him or throwing themselves at him."

Providence, you sneaky bitch. The beep of the electronic kettle announced that it was time for tea. "Tell me more about this 'family', if you would."

+++++ Hikawa Shrine, Azabu-Juban, Japan. (Thursday + 12)

His first conscious breath came as they often did, a sudden intake of air partnered with his entire body clenching to avoid any possible motion. Terror, pain, anxiety, every possible form of negativity whirling around his mind and soul in a maelstrom of suffering. The only reason he didn't vocalize anything, however, was that his arms were fastened tightly around…serenity. Without enough light to see by, he couldn't quite make out the detailed outlines of what he held. It was…white. Breathing. It…it was…Hope.

"I do not wish you to take my commentary as anything but just that, so if you would kindly refrain from spiraling further into depression, I will give you a gift." Yukiko's voice held a hint of sleepiness, combined with an adorable contentment that hid how powerful she was. "You are a bundle of contradictions, a nexus for tragedy, and the only reason I haven't done what I set out to do is because it would hurt you. Lying here, sleeping in your arms, is the only explanation I will ever need for why Justice's contemporary did what she did. Beneath the volumes of psychological issues, behind the stumbling immaturity, lies a man that will embrace death if that is the cost of doing what's right." She ran one hand idly along his arm, caressing the muscles that were slick with sweat. "I had thought that I would find physical intimacy disgusting. The chemical waste byproducts, the assault on my olfactory senses, the heat and chaotic exhortations…perhaps I was saved from seeking it out before it was my time by those thoughts. Perhaps The Wanderer intended for me to find you, before making final judgement on the matter." It was her turn to take a deep breath, the motion demonstrating that neither of them were clothed as her flawless skin stroked his flesh. "Focus your mind on those you hold dear, not on those who have yet to prove their quality. Allow me to continue my work, to find a way to free you from your burdens."

She wasn't even as tall as his torso was long. She could sit on his shoulder, and barely see over his head. She looked, physically, as if she might be broken in half by a stiff breeze…and yet, in his arms, she felt powerful enough to crush galaxies. His heart had slowed as she spoke, his nerves untangling themselves, his breathing stabilizing. "How…did we end up…uhm…."

"Because I don't sleep with clothing on, and my feet didn't like the way your pants felt." The answer was matter of fact, patient, and most of all indicative of a complete lack of desire for histrionics. They were nude. Nothing more, nothing less. "I enjoy your form. You, from what I can sense, enjoy mine. This is as it should be. You are handsome, I am charming." Slipping further up his chest, despite his tight grip on her, and turning to face him, she laid her hands on his cheeks and placed her forehead against his. "You are confused. You are scared. You are angry. None of these are invalid emotions, but all of them are being made out to exist as more than they are by forces both external and internal. I am at your side, now and for as long as you will have me. I am making no demands of you, save that you do not let it win. If sleeping in your bed with you will help you process what you are feeling, that is what I will do. If sleeping with you will help you avoid making worse decisions based on what your human side is thinking, I will gladly lend my services to that end. If it is only the occasional kiss, the well-timed hug, and the needed boot in your ass, I'm your woman. You do not need to decide how, or where, I fit. You do not need to label me. What we do, in here, out there…it's no one's business but our own. What I am to you could change second to second, and I will not judge you for it. You have the right of it. Take your time. Think. Hear. Feel." She kissed the tip of his nose, then smiled brightly. "You are a good man, Shinji Ikari. A good man buried past the crown of his head in a sea of filth. I have faith in you. Have faith in yourself."

He knew who, and what, she was now. Somehow, despite the room's ability to dampen and shut out the more powerful magics, he knew. "…You are…your name-"

She silenced him with another kiss, this time on his lips. "Yes." Holding his eyes on her own, she shook her head slowly. "Please, for both of our sakes, do not use that name outside of this room, and limit your use of it inside of it. It would…complicate what I am attempting to do. It would reduce my options to only a few, none of which would be pleasant for either of us. So please," her namesake radiated outwards from the core of her being, "for our sake…let me just be your Yuki-chan for now."

There were Laws involved. Her warning was intended specifically to skirt them, and he knew firsthand how terrible the backlash could be for invoking them without proper preparation. "If…uhm, if I call you that…I'm probably already in trouble. No speaking, remember?"

"That doesn't mean you can't intend it when you think of me, silly." She patted his cheeks with a light laugh. "Your thoughts still have some meaning, despite you diffusing their power by keeping them intangible. The more you think of me as your Yuki-chan, the more your Yuki-chan I become. Just like the more I think about you being my Shinji, the more my Shinji you become. We have all the time in the world to build a rapport with one another…let's take that time and build one to last forever."

His time with her, thus far, matched well with her statements. She only ever acted against his wishes to save him from himself. She braved dangers to help him do what he needed or wanted to do. She never made demands of him, never pestered him with pointless distractions, offered to soothe his fears and pains without acting in ways he couldn't understand…except for now. "But…we're kind of naked."

"Yes. We've covered that." She smirked, amused at his demeanor. "I am not pressuring you to do, or not do, anything. I really do sleep without clothing on, when I do sleep. I feel constrained by clothes, because I tend to toss and turn. Your pants were tickling my heels, so I dismissed them. If you want to make use of our lack of clothing for any specific purpose, the offer is open. If you'd rather we hurry and get dressed, I understand that it's because you value what you believe to be others' perception of my character. Me personally, I'd like to make us a bucket of hot water so that you and I can clean ourselves and each other. Neither of us has had a bath in a while, and from what I know of your culture bathing is something people do when they are appropriately close to encourage social connection. But I also wouldn't mind putting that off until after we've shared further intimacy. No pressure, either way."

So many women around him might have made the same offer, and he wouldn't have believed them even a tenth as much as he believed Yukiko. Her every statement radiated with a purity of truth that couldn't be denied. While hope could be a lie…it seemed Hope…was not. "…I'll make us some soft cloths to use. I need the practice, and…I like the idea of a bath."

+++++ Hikawa Shrine, Azabu-Juban, Japan. (Thursday + 12)

After relaxing while Yukiko took her time in cleaning him, then spending more time cautiously cleaning the small lady, Shinji was notified by her that breakfast had been prepared. When he remembered that it was Rei that would be there, he had no problem allowing her to enter and share that meal with them. Usagi had angered him, Kyoko had frightened him, Naoko had confused him. Yukiko, on the contrary, had restored much of his emotional reserves. He could handle Rei. Not, he allowed the thought to speak itself in his mind, that I think I'll ever mind 'handling' her again.

The door to his room opened, Naoko helping carry in the trays of food. "Master, I must say that I'm slightly jealous of Miss Hino. Somehow, she manages to combine beauty, grace, and charm with the ability to make a quite delicious meal out of limited ingredients. It's unfair that she's been gifted so many advantages."

Rei, walking behind Naoko, rolled her eyes and smirked with good humor. "Says the woman with more degrees and letters behind her name than I have in my name." With both trays safely deposited on the table, three place settings worth, she inclined her head in gratitude to a woman that she clearly had quickly developed a friendship with. "Thank you again, Naoko. I feel much better about things after talking them through with you."

Naoko waved off any praise or gratitude. "Not at all. You helped me just as much by listening to my concerns. I'll ask around about everything, and then come find you when I'm not needed here." Turning to Shinji, she gave him a cautious smile. "Take your time and actually try to taste what she made, please? It's hard to build a relationship with anyone if you're rushing through everything when you're around them."

"An excellent piece of advice," Yukiko concurred amicably. "You two enjoy breakfast, now. I'm going to go have a chat with some people myself."

"Ah, Yukiko-san," Rei protested, "I had prepared some food for you as well."

"The Silent One will eat my portion as well. Today is going to be taxing, and he needs his strength to deal with everything going on. I'm sure it's delicious, but I can't waste calories that would be better used elsewhere." The tiny woman curtsied with a playful bob of her knees. "When we are on more firm footing, I'll be glad to break bread with you." Her final position given, she vanished from sight.

With a gentle chuckle, Naoko shrugged helplessly. "I'll be in the dining room if you need anything. If someone knocks on the door, it's most likely because I'm dead so…you know, avenge me." With the door open and no response probable from Shinji, she bowed politely and dismissed herself as Rei snorted out a laugh.

Once the door was closed, and he was alone with Rei, it took a few extra seconds for Shinji to realize that he was simply admiring her. She seemed so…full. Despite everything, despite the trauma, despite the pain, there she stood…smiling. She could, and would, face any challenge. He admired her, and an unfamiliar feeling had grown to the point that it was noticeable in his thoughts.

"I…like how easy it is to read your thoughts, even though I no longer have the ability to hear them clearly." Rei's statement knocked Shinji out of his musings, prompting a blush of embarrassment on his face. "Don't worry. I know you weren't staring to be rude. You're trying to figure out where I fit in your life. Trying to find a way to emulate the calm I've trained myself to exude. Trying to understand how you feel about me, and about us. You are not," she gestured to the table, encouraging him to sit as she did, "staring at me and imagining me nude like far too many of your gender. That alone raises you above the common man." When Shinji's head dropped down, his eyes now laser-focused on his plate, she strangled a cheer of success. Her statement had been calculated to prime his mind with the image, to see if his emotions were trending towards attraction in addition to admiration. "Don't be ashamed," she reached across the small table and took his hand, "it's natural to think of something if someone says it. 'Imagine a red barn', or 'think of a blue cloud', or 'you are now manually breathing'. Brains are funny things, and they don't always play along with our whims."

"I…don't want to be rude." Her hand on his was wonderful. The way she understood his intentions, the way she read the book of his life and understood him. "I…I know I can't control it, but that doesn't stop me from wishing I could."

A gentle squeeze, then another to get him to look at her. "And that is what makes you a good man. That is why I am sitting here having breakfast with you." With her free hand she tapped his tray. "Go ahead and try it. Let me know if I need to change anything. I probably can't share a meal with you every day, we're both busy taking care of things, but I'd like to learn more about your tastes so I can keep up my end of things." Moving to follow her own advice, she grinned. "I know you're going to insist on cooking for me too, but I like the idea of a balanced relationship. Give and take, but not with ledgers and debts…just, people doing for one another because they enjoy doing things for them."

Shinji took his first bite, without any caution or hesitation, and was pleased to see that he wouldn't have to scrounge around for something nice to say. The dish was plain, without unnecessary ornamentation or ostentation, but still managed to provide warm flavors that encouraged him to eat more. He was not faking his smile when he looked over to Rei, and felt a surge of joy at being able to prevent her cautious optimism from fading. "It's great! I think…I think it's because you slice the tofu so thin, that the small amount of radish is able to permeate everything. It's not all soaked up by the first layer it touches."

"Exactly!" She had her 'in'. "Even as active as I am, I still had to watch what I ate growing up. Too much of the wrong things and you end up with fat in all the wrong places that takes forever to work off. So I'd always slice things thin, and try to include as many flavors as I could while still keeping the overall calorie count low. I noticed, after a while, that by reducing the amount of membranes between flavor and filler, I was getting a lot of flavor. It took me a few months, but I finally got this recipe to where I thought it was perfect. Long-burning calories to help me get through the day, but not devoid of any taste so that I didn't hate eating it. Switch around the veggies every once in a while, to keep things fresh, and there you go."

The small talk continued, Shinji offering critiques of the dishes Sarah had made in an effort to further explain what he did and did not enjoy, Rei sharing and commenting on her own likes and dislikes as appropriate. The food vanished faster than she wanted it to, even with Shinji slowing down his consumption rate enough that whole recipes were shared between bites, but all in all she could not have prayed for a better set of circumstances than what she'd been given by chance.

Placing the dishes and trays together so they could be carried out easier, Rei made her move. "So…what are the chances that I could ask you to allow Minako-chan and I to stand guard with you today?" She motioned with her hands for patience, a reflexive act based on what she believed would be a knee-jerk negative. "Not go out with them, unless they need back-up immediately. Just, you know, keep you company. I'm pretty sure she wants to apologize, and even though you can't speak out there…you could always give me something to give her when she does. I can say that you were nervous about the apology you'd wanted to give, that you were afraid you'd screw it up and make things worse, and that you accept her apology and appreciate that she understands that she hurt you by being so pushy." Now the carrot. "If nothing else, we'll be able to keep…others from causing you a headache while you're busy."

Shinji waited nervously for another two beats, ready to agree to her terms before she even added extra information about what they would and would not do. She had asked him to apologize when he was ready, and said that Minako would likely apologize herself. If that was today, then that was today. The company of someone he trusted, someone who'd proven to be interested in 'normal' behavior, was bonus enough for him. "I…uhm, I don't mind at all. Haruka is the one who decides who goes through the portal, I just keep it open. I couldn't tell you no if I wanted to, it's not my place. If Minako-san isn't angry with me anymore, I really would like to make sure she knows I…I don't hate her. I'm just…."

"Confused, scared, and angry." Rei grabbed one of his hands with both of hers, and squeezed tight to show she supported him. "It's ok. You and I confuse and scare her too, which is why she was angry. She likes you, Shinji. She confuses 'like' and 'love' pretty easily, but what she feels is definitely trending towards the latter right now. That's why it hurt so much when you told her the truth. She doesn't know you, and that makes it hard for you to understand why she would be so interested in you."

Any remaining anxiety drained from him. Lifting her hands and laying his forehead against them, he breathed out relief, "I…I'm really glad…I really…." What do I say? Do I say that I'm happy she's here? That I'm happy she cares? That I wish she'd never leave? His thoughts raced out ahead of him, the stress and anxiety forcing words into his brain before he could stifle them. With the floodgate left open, more came tumbling through. That I…that I think she's…she's wonderful? Pretty? Brilliant? Better than me? Why bother?! She could do a million times better than me! I'll just drag her down. I'll ruin her. I ruin everything and everyone!

If his thoughts were overwhelming him, they were doubly overwhelming for Rei. With a familiar sensation of being asked for benediction, she was able to set her mind in the frame of someone who was detached from the personal nature of his words. What she could not do, however, was allow him to think she had not heard him. That would be a violation of his trust, and that she would not willingly do again. "Shinji." Years of training kept her voice from being either breathy or shaky. "Shinji…look at me." Like a dog that had been trained through violence, his eyes snapped up to her own. A command given; a command followed. It broke her heart. "We did not meet each other under the best of circumstances. I did not give you a chance to put your best foot forward. What I have seen of you over the time between then and now…shames me." She let her pain at his debasement shine through her eyes. "You…are not a bad person. You are not a burden. Knowing that you think I'm 'pretty', and 'brilliant', and 'wonderful', is all made even more touching because of the man that you are. Praise from you…it just means more. What I am not, however, is better than you." She had to swallow, fighting to keep tears from forming. "Part…part of being a strong woman means accepting that men are just as strong. That it's…it's character, not sexual characteristics, that determine someone's quality. I've been very guilty of…hating…. It was wrong of me, no matter how often individual men attempted to justify my prejudices. It led me to nearly losing a chance at keeping you in my life. So please, don't be afraid. Let's cherish the time that we have with one another, instead of living in constant fear that it might end."

…Is this…is this what it feels like to fall in love? Her words, which he trusted were true, were the type of encouragement he'd never thought he'd hear. She wanted him in her life. She thought he was a good man. She didn't think he was a burden. She wasn't saying that to get anything from him, or to tell him he was stupid for believing something…. "You, uhm…do you think…." He hesitated, terror at possibly upsetting the balance staying his tongue.

"What I think," she stood up, tugging on her hands to get him to join her, "is that you and I have a bright future together. What kind of future that is will depend on what happens to us between now and then. I can say, with all due sincerity, that I would not mind spending more time with you, rather than less." She smiled winsomely, tilting her shoulders to improve her appeal. "I also wouldn't mind more conversations or meals where you held my hand." When he blushed, she forced herself to insert the hook. "But…I also wouldn't mind if we spent time with people like Naoko-sensei, or Minako-chan, or Yukiko-san. People who will respect you, respect your…pace, and maybe join us in building a family that supports each other."

The memory of his conversation with Naoko caused him to frown slightly, the topic one that he'd intentionally set aside for the moment. "Is…is it, uhm, in your opinion…." He looked down into the face of a woman he was beginning to think he'd die for. "N-never mind. Let's go set up the area for today's rescue effort." He freed his hands, and allowed Unit-01 to envelope him before moving to the door and holding it open for Rei. That topic was a bridge too far. He had duties to attend to.

+++++ Hikawa Shrine, Azabu-Juban, Japan. (Thursday + 12)

Motoko Aoyama stood watch over Shinji from a distance. She had set Shinobu to cleaning everything around the apartment, and had positioned herself near Michiru and Sarah so that she could monitor their health while also making certain nothing assaulted the man responsible for them all still drawing breath. She had, previously, thought him no different than any other man. Ruled by his hormones, possessing no more honor than a common rat, and simply waiting for a chance to exercise strength and authority where he might find them. When he fought his way to her sister…when he attempted to save Tsuruko, he had shown an aura possessed of chaotic emotional shifts. The being that walked out of that hall, covered in blood and viscera, knew only rage.

His was not the rage of jealousy, or impetuous indignity. It was not the rage of a man that had been proven too weak, or too cowardly to do what he must. Covered in armor that spoke of the demon within, Shinji Ikari had exited that building filled with the rage of a man who had given everything he had only to find that his debt had been trebled without notice. The man who had an empty bank account, a dried-out field, and ten starving mouths to feed. The man who had been pummeled relentlessly by life until he would take it no more.

She watched a slow stream of refugees exit an impossibility. Men, women, children, youkai, pets…. Each life saved another payment on a debt she knew he felt keenly. Each person another dagger in his chest. Whether he knew it or not, and she had begun to doubt he did, she could feel the breadth of his emotions even stronger now. His aura had already called out to her. The blazing warmth that had enshrouded her when she tried to save the idiot's life. Now she had emotions to put to the aura, and she had learned that what she thought she knew of him…was all wrong.

Without turning around, she cautioned Shinobu against doing what she was about to. "The instruments may be left alone, Maehara-chan. That they have survived this long is miracle enough, they do not need to be risked through your carelessness."

Quiet contemplation returned, her eyes narrowing at the sudden spike of fear he felt as the blonde high school student approached him. She doubted that the fear was of mortal danger, not with how eager he had proven to be to throw his life into the crucible of fate. No, this fear was one of emotional harm. Of a pained heart anticipating the lash. She would have to keep a wary eye on the woman. The man she now served did not deserve to be abused any longer.