Chapter 41

And Lost again

Harry didn't realize when he got up from the armchair, but he needed to touch his guardian's young face to make sure it was real. All his life he had been waiting for someone, anyone to come take him away from the Dursleys. When Aries came along there was so much confusion and mistrust. But it shouldn't have been. There was no one in the world that he should have trusted more.

And yet the man had lied to him. His hand fell to his side, his sight blurry with tears as he turned away from the man.

Obviously Sirius couldn't have told him the truth from the beginning. Without understanding, he would have run back to Dumbledore. But couldn't he have told him everything like he had just done? Would Harry have believed him? Silver would have probably helped.

Not Silver, Padfoot, Harry corrected himself.

And that horrible, horrible man. Arcturus Black had kept them apart all so that he could have his heir and a strong Black family. Well, he got it but didn't get to see it, all that it took was a couple of miserable years for Harry.

It took all of Sirius' will not to bring Harry into a hug and try to sooth the crying teen. He didn't know if Harry would allow him to approach. The gentle touch had taken him by surprise but the hurt in the teen's eyes gave him pause.

'I am sorry.' Aries finally spoke startling the teen out of his thoughts.

'What?'

'For keeping this from you. At first I saw no other way but after Pettigrew was revealed I should have said something.'

'Why didn't you?' the reproach was heavy in the tear stained voice.

'I didn't think it mattered. You already started to form a bond with Aries and Sirius is supposed to be dead.'

'How can it not matter?!' Harry backed away at such a stupid statement. 'How could you even think it? I hated Sirius Black because of lies. Do you think I would just not care about the man that my father said loved me too much to scold me?! Did you think that I would just accept what others said of him as fact, when the first time around all those facts proved to be lies?! Of course it matters, of course I searched for clues as to what kind of man he-you were-still are. What did you think? That after seeing all those memories from Lupin and McGonagall that I would not care for the man that was like a second father to me?' Harry's voice hitched as his tears started falling faster and he collapsed back into the armchair his arms around himself.

'You let me mourn you.' His voice broke with anguish.

He had not picked up on Harry's curiosity about his past self. Sure the teen had asked about the protection and had spoken of memories of his parents, but it had not registered to the older man that Harry was in fact looking for clues about Sirius and not just James and Lily. Could he have been so blind? Sirius couldn't stand it anymore. He had done this. He had caused this to the one person that was more precious to him than anything in the world. He finally moved and knelt in front of his godson, setting a hesitant hand on the boy's knee but Harry shrugged it off as if burnt. Sirius took a few steps back.

'I am so sorry, pup. I shouldn't have kept this from you after Pettigrew. I didn't think you would want to know more about the man I was before. I have failed you so many times as Sirius that I thought Aries was a better guardian for you, but all that I seem capable of doing is hurting you and letting you down.' Harry wasn't even looking at him, his head turned towards the back of the armchair, it didn't even seem like he was hearing what Sirius was saying.

Harry's body was shaking. He wanted to feel the secure embrace of the man he grew to care about as his guardian, to trust as a parent, to love as he viewed the fond but sad memories of his youthful godfather. But he couldn't bring himself to shake off the betrayal of being lied to. He just wanted the man to leave him alone.

'Leave me alone.' His voice cracked and his heart ached as Aries, the man that never once wavered or hesitated in anything swayed on his feet before leaving the room. Once the door of the library closed Harry wanted to call him back. He wanted to feel those strong arms embrace him and tell him it was all going to be ok.

But nothing was ok.

He didn't know when he dragged himself back to his room, nor when he finally fell asleep but when Heide woke him up the next morning he knew what he needed to do. He took out paper and quill and wrote the letter before sending it with Hedwig. Then he got dressed and packed the clothes he needed as well as his half-finished homework before heading down to where Ar-Sirius was having breakfast, or at least pretending to.

His guardian was once more older, his face more wrinkled and his hair at the temples greying. He stood up when he saw Harry entered the greenhouse. Their usual breakfast or brunch area at the manor.

'I've written to Neville that I will be accompanying him and his family to their holiday home in Croatia. He made me the invitation before school ended and they are supposed to leave at noon.'

'Harry-'

'I can't stay here. Not now.'

'I understand.'

'Do you?' Harry said harshly.

'I will have Pan bring you to the Longbottoms.'

'No, not Pan.'

'Dobby then. He will stay with you for the rest of the holiday. Take care of you.'

'I- yes, thank you.' He wanted to say he could take care of himself. And he could. But he couldn't say no to Dobby. It felt too definitive to refuse this last request. It felt that if he refused everything that Ar-Sirius offered him, it would be the end. And he just needed time. He didn't want this to be the end.

Neville was surprised to read that Harry had changed his mind. But the young Longbottom heir was thrilled to have Harry on their family vacation. His grandmother, his uncle Algie and Aunt Enid were nice enough, but they were adults. His enthusiasm faltered some when after their third day there he realized something was wrong with his best friend. Harry was polite and made conversation easier than he ever could with his relatives, who were impressed with Neville making such an important friend but even more impressed with Harry's upbringing, knowledge and opinions of the wizarding world. All seemed fine, except Harry became tight lipped whenever the conversation was about his guardian. Aside from that, Harry was quieter than usual.

'You know that if something is bothering you. I am here to listen.' Neville finally found the courage and perfect time to say this, as the two were gathering magical algae in the bay close to the Longbottom estate.

This startled Harry from his thoughts of his godfather.

'Thanks Nev. I'm sorry I'm not the best company this holiday.' Harry smiled.

'We all have our bad days.' Neville simply said, content to see that his friend didn't lie about being ok.

They continued to gather algae in relative silence for a while until Harry finally spoke again.

'If-if your grandmother kept something from you, if she lied to you would you forgive her?'

Neville's eyes widened in understanding, Aries was the reason behind Harry being here and being…sad.

'My gran keeps things from me all the time.' Neville smiled sadly. 'I am still a child in her eyes so the big problems of the family are always kept from me. Or maybe not because I am a child, but because I am not as strong or as smart as my dad.'

'Neville, that can't be true. She is proud of you, she loves you.'

'I know she loves me.' Harry noted Neville left the proud of him part out.'Which is why I can't hold it against her for trying to protect me by keeping me in the dark. But Harry, my gran and Aries aren't the same.' Neville continued.

'How so?' Harry asked a bit of his annoyance with his guardian coming through.

'I've seen the way he is with you. I've seen the way this year with him changed you. He's shown you more about the wizarding world than pure blood heirs know when they come of age. If he hid something from you, it was not because he doesn't believe in you. Maybe he has a good reason for it.'

'Stop saying your gran doesn't believe in you. She probably kept things from you because she cares for you and doesn't want to see you hurt.'

'That is true too. But it's still mostly because she thinks that I can't handle it and will get hurt.'

'Maybe she is just afraid to lose you.' Harry said and something inside him clicked. Could Sirius have thought the same?

'And that is why I forgive her.' Neville smiled. 'I know she has been through a lot. Losing my dad and then my grandad. She is a strong woman, but even she has her limits. But Harry, Aries is not the same. Aries is your guardian out of duty. From an outsider point of view, he is doing a good job. I don't know what he kept from you, nor why, but if it is something that doesn't affect the Potter estate, he is entitled to keep secrets from you.'

Harry thought his friend was wise beyond his years, knowing what he needed to hear even without knowing what the problem was. The truth was Aries was a lot like Neville's grandmother. He had been through a lot: losing his friends, being condemned to Azkaban by those who he trusted and losing Harry for a long time when he put his trust in his own family. He was strong too, and extremely resourceful but he had to have his limits. Harry had never seen them. That is, until a few days ago, when Sirius revealed himself to him. Was Sirius doing this out of duty though? He was his godfather, he had taken a vow to keep him safe, but the Sirius he knew from Lupin's memories had done everything out of love.

If it was duty, just duty, would Neville's statement stand? The fact that Aries and Sirius were one and the same didn't affect the Potter estate. In fact that information had nothing but an emotional impact on Harry. It was also very personal in nature, but didn't Harry earn the right to know it? He had opened up to Aries more than any other adult before, so yes. Harry had a right to know.

No. Harry doubted it was just duty. Sirius did what he did because he cared for him. And that was where it all became complicated. He cared and had hurt Harry by keeping the truth from him. But that wasn't the reason Sirius kept the secret. Harry was sure Sirius would never intentionally hurt him. But he did. Just like Neville's gran was hurting Neville by hiding things from his. No it wasn't the same. Augusta Longbottom didn't trust Neville because she thought his friend was weak. Sirius kept the secret from him not because he didn't trust Harry but because he didn't trust himself.

I have failed you so many times as Sirius that I thought Aries was a better guardian for you, but all that I seem capable of doing is hurting you and letting you down.

'Harry…If Aries hurt you.' Neville pulled Harry out of his thoughts when he saw Harry's tears falling down.

Harry blinked and quickly whipped his eyes.

'Sorry Nev. Yeah, he did hurt me, but just because he is an idiot.' Harry sighed, yes, Sirius had hurt him, but just because Sirius was hurting himself. His guardian wasn't the bigger than life Lord Aries Black. He had limits, had flaws. Because Aries was Sirius, and Sirius was human and made mistakes. Sirius was probably blaming himself for hurting not just Harry, but his family too. And his flight from Black Manor didn't help things at all.

'I think I need to return home.' Home, yes, he was going home.

Neville saw the determined smile on his friend's face and knew that Harry and Aries were going to be ok. Whatever happened they would fix it.

'Dobby. Could you please go and pack my things. I want to return home.' Harry said to the house elf that was looking after the two. Dobby nodded and popped away.

They had just started moving towards the Longbottom house when Harry felt something like dread come over him. His ring was reacting to something. But before he could warn Neville someone hit him and Neville both with a spell. It wasn't a combat spell though, it was a sleeping spell. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was Neville's uncle standing above him and Neville, his eyes blank as if in a trance.

A/n: And I will leave this in another cliff-hanger which I will endeavour to continue before 1 May. But no promises. Life has been a bit hectic and stress levels are high, the good thing that happened this week was that I finally have my balcony furniture and I can enjoy some April sun. Thank you for the reviews and for patiently waiting for the update. Also if you are wondering why Padfoot didn't protect Harry from the sleeping spell, Padfoot comes out only if the attack is life threatening/harmful on a physical or emotional level, which in this case it wasn't.