A/N: Here we go again! I LOVED all of your reactions to the last chapter. Thank you for sharing them with me. I hope you guys like this chapter just as much. We're getting close to the end! We might be done in 50 chapters (like, in total) because I just finished writing what might be chapter 46.
In other news, I had to buy a new computer because if you saw on my Tumblr, my current one has given me the screen of death a few times. I'm hoping to get everything transferred over before it finally dies, but don't worry because I have AoS and the rest of my current fics all saved in different areas. It shouldn't cause any delays in updates, but I'm letting you all know just in case. If I have any issues, I'll update on my Tumblr.
Thank you all for the support! I hope you enjoy this.
Chapter Forty-Two
I can't breathe. I can't….
I scramble forwards, trying desperately to find some sign of a pulse. It was a mistake. I did not mean...I did not mean to react. I shouldn't have reacted like that. My fingers slip, covered in more blood than I thought possible. There is no pulse to be found.
How? I have cracked Eric across the face with the tablet before and he survived...this was more than once though. This was me losing control.
My stomach rolls and I run to the bathroom, heaving into the toilet. I continue until there is nothing but stomach acid left. Tears stream down my face from the effort and the realization of what I have done.
I killed her. This was not something like ignoring Jeanine's test subjects, this is by my own two hands. Erudites do not react like that. They will find me. They will find me and if Jeanine does not steal me into her lab as a test subject first, I will be dragged into Candor and forced to reveal everything. They will rightfully blame this on me and Jeanine will use it as another example as to why those like me should be eradicated. The thought makes me attempt to throw up again.
There is nothing to do. There is nothing I can do for this. Catherine had come here...she said I had been sold. The idea is preposterous. I am Jeanine's assistant because I am good at what I do. She wouldn't…. I try not to think about that. Right now, there is a body in my apartment. I am at a loss, for once. I do not know what to do. Do I report myself? Turn myself in to the authorities? Would that be Erudite where Jeanine would test me until my death or Dauntless where Eric is far more likely to kill me himself? Perhaps I might submit myself to Candor and get it over with.
"This was not the welcome I was expecting."
My head snaps up to see Eric standing in the doorway. "What...what are you doing here?"
"Admiring your handiwork," he says. He leans back to look back out at the living room. "Not how I would have done it, but effective nonetheless."
I shut my eyes tightly. "Please stop." I feel something move next to me. A hand pushes back a strand of my hair. I recoil at the touch.
"What happened?"
I shake my head. I cannot tell him. I lost control and now someone is dead by my hand. It is too much.
"Amelia," his tone is dark.
"I-I can't." It catches in my throat. I cannot stop crying. I did this.
"Did she hurt you?" His hand grabs my chin and turns my head to face him. "Look at me," he demands. My eyes open. His face is directly in front of mine. "Did she hurt you?"
It would be so easy to tell him yes. Catherine's words suddenly echo in my mind. She sold you to that Dauntless leader. I do not know how much truth is in that.
"Okay," he finally says. "We'll take care of it. It's a good thing I showed up. Come on." He stands up and grabs my hands, hauling me up to my feet. His eyes meet mine and he reaches forward and wipes at the tears on my cheek. "No one's going to know, Amelia. You and me, remember?" He glances down. "Clean yourself up. I'll wrap the body. You can clean the blood after I leave." He turns to move before he stops. "And brush your teeth."
He leaves the bathroom. I am left standing there, stunned. I do not understand what is happening. I move automatically and as I wash blood and glass off of my hands, I cannot help but start crying again. How did it come to this?
By the time I exit the bathroom, Eric is standing in the living room. There is a blanket rolled up around something at his feet. It is easy to determine that it holds what remains of Catherine. The amount of blood on the floor is staggering.
Eric turns when he hears me. I cannot stop staring at the blanket and the blood.
"Amelia!"
I look up suddenly. Eric is in front of me. "What?"
He frowns slightly. "This is not how I intended our night to go." His jaw clenches. "I'll take care of this. You need to get this cleaned and figure out what you're going to tell Jeanine."
My legs buckle under me. I did not even think of that. Eric catches me. He pulls me up against him. For a moment, it steadies me. An arm wraps around my waist. His other hand goes to the back of my neck, tilting my head up to look at him.
"I got you, Amelia," he says quietly.
"No," I say softly. "I cannot..."
"You can." He sounds far more determined than I feel. I cannot. I cannot be this person. "You can do this, Amelia." He kisses me. His lips move slowly against mine. I almost wish it was harder, more desperate just to feel something different than how I feel right now. "Get to it," he says. I watch as he lifts the body with ease and leaves. The apartment somehow feels emptier without him. I have wanted peace, to be alone, for so long but not like this. I swallow the panic and fear that sit at the base of my throat. He's right. I need to get to work.
I stand outside of Jeanine's office, trying to gain some semblance of control before I walk in. The empty desk at the side seems more prominent than usual, as if it knows what I have done to its occupant. The sight of it just reminds me of blood and sightless eyes. I try not to flinch from it. Cleaning the blood had taken all night and even then it did not feel like enough. I felt like I could still see it. I threw the clothing I had been wearing in the garbage. Even if it was possible to clean, I never want to see that outfit again.
"Do not simply stand there. Come in," Jeanine calls out.
I enter quickly. Her tone suggests she is in a terrible mood. One that I do not want to contribute to. "My apologies," I say. She stares at me over her glasses, looking unimpressed. "I am aware that we do not have an appointment, but I felt it prudent to speak to you directly. It is about Catherine."
Jeanine almost sighs. "I take it that she is no longer with us?"
I blink in surprise. "She is not," I say carefully.
"I am disappointed but unsurprised," Jeanine says. "Especially after our conversation the other day." She adjusts her glasses and her gaze somehow sharpens behind them. "You are aware that she was reporting to Dauntless?"
"What?" I cannot help but ask. Reporting...my throat tightens. She was a spy. One of Eric's and yet...he seemed pleased that I had disposed of her.
"My conversation with her yesterday informed her that I was aware of her...activity. I have no place for those who are not loyal to me, to Erudite. You understand."
"Of course," I say automatically. My mind is reeling. All this time. I knew Eric had more spies, but I did not have the time to root them out. I would have never suspected Catherine regardless. Her ambitions were always clear to be here in Erudite.
"I expect you to have a list of candidates for her replacement by the end of the day."
"Yes, ma'am."
She watches me for a moment before nodding. "You are returning to Dauntless with the last shipment tomorrow?"
"Yes ma'am."
She nods. "Keep me informed. Everything must be perfect."
"I will."
"That is all." She dismisses me with a wave. Once I am out of her office, I let out a slow breath. I do not believe in luck, but if I did, the timing worked out in my favour. I could not have expected that Catherine was a spy nor that before I...before she came to my apartment, Jeanine told her she was aware of it. My hands shake as I leave. I do not know if I will survive this and for the first time in my life, I wonder if I even should. I have done too much.
I pray this is my last trip to Dauntless. I know I must return for their final initiation test, but I hope that my days here outside of being at Jeanine's side, are done. Catherine was wrong. She had to be. People did not sell others, not like she implied. I am Erudite. It is all that is holding me together.
Thankfully, Eric is not there when we arrive. The Erudite work with the Dauntless to empty the truck as I keep track of exactly what we are dropping off. Most of the serum will be held in the control room until it is time to use it. The room itself is under guard by those who Max and I assume, Eric, have approved.
I follow the others to the room, eager to finish the final checks and be done with it all. Despite what I now owe Eric, I need this to be over. I need to gain some ground and while I cannot move against Jeanine, I can argue this. No matter how futile my previous attempts have proven to be.
Eric arrives as the last boxes are being moved into the room. He comes directly to me, ignoring the others.
"Eric," I greet.
"Amelia," he says my name slowly, as though he has not said it often enough. "I trust that you handled Jeanine."
"It is not my duty to handle her," I say. I glance up at him. "The problem solved itself."
"Really?" he looks intrigued at that. "How so?"
I stop typing on my tablet and look up at him, unimpressed. "It would seem that Jeanine spoke to Catherine before I...did. Jeanine was aware that you had Catherine spy on me."
His gaze hardens. "Was she now?"
"I had thought we covered that issue by now. I do not appreciate your spies."
"She offered," Eric snaps. It takes me by surprise. "She wanted you gone and saw me as the way to ensure it happened."
Something in my chest tightens. "She should not have done that."
"No, her ambition didn't work out for her, did it?"
I give him a dark look at that. He should not make light. Not when I see her face now when I close my eyes. It changes intermittently with Vera's. He does not look the least bit sorry.
"Relax," he says. "It's dealt with."
He does not understand. I do not try to comprehend the people I am surrounded with. Somehow, they all see it that the ends justify the means. They spare no thought to those we have killed. Even if in search of information or in peace, that does not erase what we have done. I do not know how they lack that...compassion. I cannot claim to be any better, though. I did not stop it.
Before I am even aware of it, it is time to leave. Eric motions the others ahead, allowing another Dauntless to lead the way. He holds my arm, stopping me as I attempt to join them. He only finally lets go once they are all ahead of us and motions for me to move.
"You should not do that," I try to whisper.
"Do what?" he asks.
"Be so...blatant. I told you, I cannot deal with more of their rumours. Especially now that…," I stop myself. I do not even want to say it.
"What does it matter what they say?" he looks at me. "They're not important."
"To you, no, but to me...they are my faction."
A muscle in his jaw ticks at that. He does not dignify me with a response though. Instead, he leads me out after the others. It is the first time he does not fight me on it. I cannot help but wonder how he will react. If it is not instantly, it is somehow usually worse. He cannot destroy the room again though. Not when we are this close.
Eric offers his hand to me to help me into the truck. He does not let go right away. I yank it out of his grip.
"We'll be back for the final test," I tell him.
"Can't wait," he smirks as he says it. "I am sure it will be...the start of a lifetime." He closes the door on me as soon as he says it. Something about it lingers like a bad taste in my mouth. I watch Eric as we leave. He just meant that the world would change after it. Five factions down to four. That was it. It has to be.
Finding Catherine's replacement is not easy.
Jeanine has a particular set of demands for her assistant. I was lucky to grow into what she demanded. Finding someone who she will be able to trust and who she will approve of...is challenging.
It does not help that I cannot sleep. I cannot bear to be in my apartment. Every time I am in it I only see Catherine's body. I see the blood on the floor. I killed her and now I must choose her replacement. If I was not certain Jeanine did not know, I would think this a punishment.
I take a slow breath to steady myself. I should eat, but the thought turns my stomach. Logically, I am aware that it is a response to stress, much like the last time and the increase of hair follicles that fall now every time I touch my hair. That does not change the knowledge that every time I attempt to eat, it is something that others will never do again. An action that soon will be lost to so many. They do not deserve their fates. Even Catherine, who hated me the moment I ascended, did not deserve what I have done to her. The worst of it is that there is a small part of me that is grateful she is dead. I do not know what I would have done if she survived and threw rightful accusations against me. Or maybe I just do not want to admit that I would have done the same thing that I already did. That knowledge sits heavy in my stomach.
The list I finally provide Jeanine has a total of four names on it. Two of them are from the grouping she invited to be a part of the project in Dauntless. One of the others is a woman a year my senior. She seems capable of handling what Jeanine will throw at her. The last is the Prior boy. I will admit that the choice is made with my own self-interest in mind. Perhaps she will focus on him, mould him into what image she desires, or perhaps with his Abnegation upbringing, he will see the truth of what she is doing and attempt to stop it. I do not know how successful he will be, but it is a chance I am willing to take.
The world feels as though it is suffocating me. I am holding on tightly to my control, praying that this will be enough. I have given more than I thought possible in my efforts for survival and it is not the first time that I regret my choice of my position. Perhaps if I had not done so well in initiation, if I had not accepted Jeanine's offer, then I might not have ended here. My safety would not have been guaranteed but that is no different from the course I am on now. There is no true way to ensure it. Not when I feel as though my own mind is betraying me because of my own actions, ones that have led me to be indebted to Eric.
"Tell me, what do you think of Dauntless as a faction now that you've spent time there?"
The question throws me by surprise. I look over at Jeanine. We are on our way to the faction for their final initiation test. Those who survive their fears will be welcomed as Dauntless. There is a heavy weight on my shoulders. Tomorrow our world will change and the blood split will be because of the role I played. It feels as though I am drowning in it.
"It is a faction of delinquents," I say, unsure of what answer she is looking for. "While I can understand their use, I will be relieved when my presence is no longer required. I prefer to be in Erudite."
She stares at me for a moment and I am struck by the look in her eyes. There is something in her gaze that I cannot place. It almost softens for a second, as if she feels sorry for something. It is an unusual look for her and it uneases me.
Suddenly, I am reminded of her word choice in a previous conversation where she felt the need to remind me of necessary sacrifices. My chest tightens as I recall Catherine telling me 'she sold you'. She was wrong. She had to be. I couldn't-
Every moment spent with Eric is clear. Every time he refused to end it, telling me that he gets what he wants….
It is as if ice slides down my spine. The lump in my throat grows at the idea. Jeanine has never stopped it, nor questioned the rumours of Eric and me. Her only threat was to ensure my private life did not interfere with my work. It is impossible. It has to be. I am Erudite. I am her assistant. Her right hand in this. She would not...there is nothing that would be worth losing me, aside from the knowledge of my Divergence. Right?
[tbc]